Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Monday, September 12, 2005

So I had a conversation with one of the cats that
work for the disposal service maybe a couple of
months ago. It seems that he remembered our
conversation better than I did. He put the box of
writings I threw away by my patio door. I didn't
see them until late Saturday afternoon, but I did
run into dude that morning. He yelled at me from a
distance. Something about me being wrong.
Whatever. I didn't get it until later.

I no longer want to write. I do not have the
desire to create like I used to. I originally
thought that there was a missing element, some
ingredient needed for the mix not quite there.
There isn't. After thinking about what I need to
do to get ahead in life I realize that writing
isn't a priority for me right now. I can always
read other people's stuff, right?

I have a love/hate relationship with corporate
America. I do not like working in it. I am not
designed for it, but I am trained to do whatever
it takes for me to survive. Working in the
'matrix' pays well and allows me to have access to
communications that I probably would take for
granted if I wasn't working here. Other than that,
I don't want to be here.

I have come to the terms that I'll probably never
get married or have kids. Not that I was looking
to get married, quite the contrary. When you reach
your mid thirties like I have, everybody including
yourself starts to wonder if and when it'll
happen. I think I got here too late or something.

I am not motivated to go anywhere or do anything
right now. Hell, I'm not even watching TV. I
haven't listened to any music for just about a
week. I had a slice of pizza maybe three days ago.
I think since I haven't really eaten anything, I
probably continue this route as a fast. I'm
thinking about mixing Amino Vital with 3 servings
of MetRx and just doing that for a while. Maybe a
month or so. Time to purge the body for a seasonal
change anyway. For what, I don't know. I got
nothing planned.

I changed the requests of my living will. I do not
want to be kept alive on a machine in some sort of
vegetative state. I do not want a funeral. I do
not want anyone blood related to take possession of
my remains. I would like to be cremated and have
my ashes thrown away. I do not want any indicator
of my death to be published other than the morgue
roster and death cert that goes to whatever county
I die in. Under the radar. Just like life. I'd
just like my death to reflect that.

I wish I had something to actually blog about
other than this, but things are slow moving over
here in these here parts. I do pretty much nothing
at work, nothing is going on at home and I
currently have no extra curricular activities to
indulge myself. No plans for any future endeavors,
no hanging out and no flings of fancy to brag
about. I guess this is where I need to be seeing
as I've been here for a while. I kind of like the
quiet anyway. Helps me zone out and think about


Echo said...

Hey there how are you doing? I see not much different. Well I want you to know you're in my prayers, and I will be back.


The Brown Blogger said...

I am at a very blah point in my life right now. I am working to un-blah myself in various ways, and yes I need Jesus.

I got some ideas on how to get out of my rut... more on that later.