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Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Wanting to end it all...

I must achieve balance.

I want to succeed.
I am in love.

I enjoy my health, but...
I have not perfect balance.


Where is my balance?

I intimidate but I am weak.
I lead by example but am afraid.
To follow.

I triumph wonderfully but lose miserably.
All the time.

Where is my balance?

Embracing God's love IS my balance,

If I stop running from him balance will come to me.

I must achieve balance and I will,
I have faith in him.

There...

There is my balance.


copyright 2005 Hassan Ntimbanjayo - Yeah, I said it!!!




Okay, this might be rash but I've been thinking of ending my blogging activities and concentrate on finishing my projects. Okay, I'm gon' quit fronting and just let you have it... I'm afraid. This has been very therapeutic for me and I love sharing and being a part of a shared circle, but I fear what the future brings to me if I keep blogging. I read too many blogs as it is, and I think that I'm falling into blogging too much when I should be creating and completing. I need to complete and focus on something other than things that'll take me away from completion.

And I think I talk too much.

I need to shut up, keep things to myself from now on.

I'll continue to read everyone's stuff, but I think I get attention from you guys that I don't deserve, so I think the best thing I should do is pull back. I don't know how I'm going to express myself yet, but I'm sure I'll come up with a new method, or I'll just bury myself in my work and just release that way. So much has changed in my life since I started unleashing my thang on the net over a year ago, I really want to focus on what happens behind the scenes more and that means that I have to sacrifice something. I had a conversation this evening that made me aware how afraid I am of expectations from those I do not know. I'd rather lay in the cut and be happy than to be out there and having to live up to other people's expectations, not knowing what to do. That scares the shit outta me. So I feel the need to disconnect now before I get too deep.

Does that make sense?

9 comments:

Didi Roby said...

In a way it does make sense...but didn't you tell me to channel my emotions...well you sort of said that...in so many words at least...

What are the other projects about? Just trying to see where you very interesting blog could fit in...:)

Anonymous said...

WOW, it all makes sense.
I see you fixed your computer or went to the library.

Either way don't bail out before you give me some friggin questions.

You will be missed........

nikki said...

it makes perfect sense. if that's what you gotta do, that's what you gotta do. we'll get over it.

The Brown Blogger said...

I reunited with my former mates the Underground Movement and we're working on a release to hit around the new year.

I have 2 book joints I'm dropping in 06'. One is called 'Blackisms', the other 'The Art of Niggerisms'. Pretty much needs to be edited, marketed and scheduled strategically for release on the chitlin circuit.

I'll be back on the poetry scene after a few years off.(For Dee Dee - Might be able to catch us at the Spoken Word Cafe/Morseland/Green Mill/Touch of the Past/Negro League Cafe/Jak's Tap in a minute. I have to, gotta plug the books/music -And give and recieve love, of course.)

I'm also working my business plan for my non profit right now, and I have implemented some other stuff (another business plan) in that one to help us get that money.

There is other stuff, but this is the bulk of the heavy work.

I still wanna blog, but certain things are pushing me away from wanting to do it, and I'm afraid.

Might be too much on my plate.

Anonymous said...

You will die for those questions or I will for the answers.

Laylah Queen of the Night said...

It's hard for some, especially me, but I think you need to work on not give other peoples expectations so much weight. That will kill you. Do you think stepping away from blogging will help you not give into others expectations? What if it shows up in other aspects in your life? I think we start blogging with the intention of writing/releasing for ourselves, but that then develops into this need to write for others, which may or may not be the best thing for us.

Rose said...

you like blogging? If, so schedule a time for it and stick to it. That's what I did.....I love writing and it is healing....

Groove said...

I think you said it best when you typed this...

Embracing God's love IS my balance,
If I stop running from him balance will come to me.

I must achieve balance and I will,
I have faith in him.


Here is where you will find balance in everything. You know what you have to do, and Don't worry about what other expect from you, This is your blog, and You are blogging for yourself right? You have found your balance, and now you need to do what feels good to you.

If you go...Imma miss you!

Groove

BTW, I tagged you don't feel obligated tho.

Me said...

Hm. So you were serious hunh?