Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Saturday, April 01, 2006

Saturday's post... Not that anyone will read this post


That's how things seem here.

Nope, not in Chicago, I'm sure you all know that I've had my fill of this place. Nah... I'm talking bout my blog.
I get the clues. I also get the emails as well as opposed to posting - sometimes I wonder, cause' that ish some of y'all be popping to me via email would set some folk off on the actual blog... So POST dammit!!!

This week, I will delve into the world of reactions and what one usually should do.

I got a call. Okay, I got a call and an IM from an old flame. She was wondering exactly what a brother was up to and wanted to hang. I can do that, right? Exes are exes... Right? So as we hung, the comfort level fell back into where it was back in 2003. I felt that. She felt that, but... We ain't going there.

There has been so much time and vibing with other people that has occured since we split that even the notion of "that" just cannot and will not happen. I have respect and still have love in my heart to do the right thing and be civil and also be respectful to the one that my attention is focused on right now.

I was told that the comfort level with me was something that has been missed, and we both pondered how things got to the point where we're visiting each other from different sides of the fence years later. I was told:
"It got to the point where I could not trust you"

Damn... Another one.

I was recently told that I am a mysterious black man that just can't be figured out. Now I'm hearing that I can't be trusted. Nope, not like that either. I was told that I could not be trusted with her heart because she could feel the hell out of me but could not feel the direction I was traveling and that still irks her. With other men, she knew exactly what they were trying to do. She knew when bullshit was popped and when a brother was being straight up indignant in her face, just acting the fuck up. But with me, she said that she just didn't know. Still doesn't apparently, and that's just fine with me.

In a sense, I want to be figured out. I don't play the game, by the contrary I lay everything that is Hassan out on the table, and sometimes I know that this could seem like:

1.) a whole lot to swallow

2.) a whole lot of bullshit (hey, I'm 35 and still working towards a recording and publishing deal, trying to get a non-profit off the ground and have aspirations of making my business plan whole while working and traveling. It doesn't seem realistic to you. It doesn't have to.)

3.) a whole lot of things that'll divert my attention from you

4.) a whole lot of busy work that'll keep me from commitment

And I do this from the jump. I tell everything. Well, not all, but I come close. I already know how most react to my frantic pace to have my life mean something and have purpose. Most believe that one is supposed to belong to a certain set of people or ethnicity, neighborhood, political affiliation and geographic region. I never have related to that. I blend and can exist as well as the next man on the streets of Tondecheon and can do the same on the Castro (and feel secure in my manhood and won't run or bash), just like I do and have done on the south and west sides of Chicago, Turkey, the hills of Colorado, chocolate ass DC and Wiesbaten, Germany.

I am Hip Hop, and Hip Hop is universal.

So she couldn't figure me out and chose to pull away. That's what happened. She withdrew from a good relationship and I when I asked why at that time she would never tell. It got ugly for a minute back then, but THAT was not worth my time so I jetted. We kept in contact over the years, but never explored the possibilities of getting back together. That is something I've never done and in this case, have no plans of doing. But I had to know why and I asked the other day and this is the answer I got:

" I don't know you and don't know where you're going, so I gotta let you go".

Something familiar happened like that this past January. I never get the chance to have my big finish in that one either... It's cool though. My traveling and non-affiliations to region, area or politics and shit like that were the blame in us breaking up. I was told that I am in too many places at the same time and that I should just be in one place so she can keep pace. I don't think so.

I told her she should have kept up.


Rose said...

So deep! Stay in touch as friends.. Sometimes friends becomes the best lover. But I have this things with jobs and men. I try to never go backward because rarely does that work. I try to remember why I left a job before if I am thinking of returning. The same about men. Why the heck did I leave him before? Then I know I will remain friends when I remember...

Kip said...

Hassan you know what is best for you and only you know.


BrownSugga said...


nikki said...

at least you understand your path is one in which you meet your beloved along the way instead of trying to diverge to find your beloved and then try to bring her back with you. great post.

Anonymous said...

You neva figure a person out. That is the thing. Folks expose themselves as you get to know them, and that is usually a lifetime thing and they will let you see what they want you to. There is someone out there who will be willing to let you be you and love ya, or has the same passion and will come with you. Until then, live your life your way and be happy.


Anonymous said...

"the vibe" is a very important thing... once its gone and some one else has it every one knows... if thats where you want to be ... let the past be the past and see how things turn out... she might be the one...

The Brown Blogger said...

I feel you on that. There was a reason. That's why I'm over there and she's over there. I can't go back. The desire isn't there to recultivate something that crashed before. We're not really friends either. Every now and then I get an instant message. Whatever.

I do know now, and that's why I move the way I do. I'm glad to be blessed to be in this position. So many of my friends and family feel trapped by their situation. I am free and glad in it, so I do what a free man can and try to avoid missteps.

No one really knows what's in my heart, I never get the opportunity to go overboard and be the romantic bastard I want to be. I always get roadblocked by "other shit". We can never get over the superficial shit that destroys the bond between people.

I've always understood my path. I know that it's hard for others to understand that, and sometimes we don't want to see. I've always seen mine, I just wish...

Anon #1:
I'm going to always do what I'm going to do and be happy, don't you worry bout that. Ain't worried bout her and when she'll get here... I'm learning bout me and enjoying that. It ain't my time yet.

Anon #2:
She ain't the one.


Anonymous said...

I always come to your blog...and post..sometimes ya ass be writing a book but I still read ya the fact you support my blog lets keep this thing going and post dammit..lmao