Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno



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Friday, May 19, 2006

Rambling.... About the love thing

This love thang ain't easy. Ain't supposed to be. I'm kind of glad to be in the position that I'm in being single and all, but sometimes I can't get past some of the situations I've been in as far as that love thang is concerned.

So I'm thinking good thoughts, going back in time in my mind thinking about some of the good times had and good qualities of the women that were brave enough to call themselves my other half, and then...

Hold up
Wait a minute...

That was some lame ass shit.

No, not the fact that you:
really didn't love me/left me for someone else/couldn't get your way/found out that I was broke and not worth marrying/didn't want children/cold and baron/just plain evil/worshiped the damn devil...

Nah, it was none of that. It was the fact that you were lazy in your attempt to make the love thang work and just stopped trying at some point, leaving me to do all of the damn work in trying. From the point where you just didn't give a fuck, you wasted my time and yours.

And for that, you suck.
Now I'm mot talking about all of em', just a few (and there have only been a few regardless of what Eash says) and now I'm disappointed in the fact that I was either too happy to be in that love groove, too mad at that person over some petty shit or too in love to notice that I was getting emotionally played. Case in point:

I met this woman at work. Okay, I really didn't know her at the time but I admired her from a distance. She was older than me and I knew she was probably a parent (and I have this rule to not date women with children... my rule, not yours), but I didn't care about that. She seemed intriguing enough for me to get to know. Things were busy and I never got that chance to ask her out for a drink when suddenly a friend of hers was playing love monkey so I played along. Glad I did.

Conversation was refreshing, she has views and opinions of an intelligent, hard working sister. She was a transplant to Chicago, and hadn't gotten that chance to get around (here's where I play tour guide) and she hasn't been in a relationship in a few years and I peaked her interest. I was impressed. By the way, did I mention that she was tall and damn sexy? That's how she caught my eye.

We dated. We grew close and I even met the kids after my trial period ended. We interacted and did not let it affect or compromise our work. Everything got better and then of course we hit bumpy parts. We stick it out and now our families are interacting without our input. I'm loving the fact that someone is mature enough to do what is right for the sake of happiness of each other and ourselves.

We got a year in and then... it fell off. I lost a few family members in succession and she was there to get my back as I played everyman and did a lot of stuff for and with family. I broke down in front of her after an exhausting 3 week stint of family/work/friendship/relationship duty and revealed to her that I was feeling weak and didn't know if I could keep up the pace of being all things to a lot of people. She played the role confidently and comforted me and a few weeks later, she got lazy with it.

Translation: Don't wanna be with your stank ass... But I ain't gonna say something.

Too afraid to tell me that she didn't want to go any further and unsure of what was to come, she did tell me that she expected to be my wife and have my children, and I actually wanted that. I was weeks from purchasing an engagement ring when she sprung that she was going back home to visit her family and would return blah blah blah blah...

I knew that she was coming back, but not to me.

I suffered thru weeks of ill contact, unsure feelings and actions and bad conversations and time spent. Thing is, she still showed up to the spot, we still went out and had dinner/dancing/movies etc. There were still intimate moments shared and emotions expressed because we were conditioned to do the love thang, but there was no love.

As I look at things in retrospect, I see that some folks still want the milk even though they traded in the cow. Laziness. I see the opportunities to have had things set straight and get loose, but sometimes people won't even try which blocked my blessings.

It's good though... I still have great memories and thangs...

Not as many as I thought when it comes to her though.

(sigh)

How many lazy ass loves have you had?
Isn't there a responsibility to those you pledge the holy alliance to to set them free if you ain't feeling them?
What happened to all the contact?
The phone calls?
Texting?
Just showing up to a family member's home before you do?
Why are we still having sex if you ain't feeling me?
Oh, I get it... you still wanna slide down the scrippa pole and feel that...
Why do people blow their chance to break free without shame, embarrassment and the police not being called?
Do we need the unnecessary drama?

It doesn't matter what I think... Or at least it seems that way

I feel like I'm back up in here... Yeah.

Another verbal assault by The Brown Blogger at 5/19/2006 07:00:00 AM

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