Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Hassan Versus The Voices
Pt 1

So this one time when I was grown but not a man, I was fat. I mean straight overweight. I went from eating a healthy army meal to at least 8 pieces of chicken and 3 liters of soda a day. And that was just one food group. I had a girlfriend that was miserable. I knew that she was unsatisfied with her life and my bloated ass made it no better.

Misery needs company.

Every morning I woke up, got dressed and went to work. Had big lunches and spent money on fly ass clothes. Had friends that went out with us and we ate, drank and was merry. We did everything together. It was fun, they were miserable too. Hell, they didn't even belong together.

I had bloated over 400 pounds but I carried it like I was 350. It was no problem to be me. I had friends, a woman and money so what was the fuss? There was no fuss until my main man DJ MorninMan got married to the love of his life. That's when I realized that even though I got the bomb on the in-house, this woman would never become my wife.

Did you know that she didn't even like me?

Word is born, son. This lil chica was just playing out the string, waiting for the end to come, though she never wanted to press the panic button herself, she knew that one day I would just snap... And end it all.

And then I lost my job. Okay, I quit and went somewhere else and lost the downtown hustling privileges one gets when he works with the true players in downtown Chicago. I was relocated all the way out near the airport, so no more seeing a plethora of blazing beauties on the regular.

The money was fine, but it wasn't like the money from the old job. Our friends started having problems when they were away from us. They only started hanging around more to keep from arguing with each other. We would just have fun drinking and going to karaoke. Me and the sister from the other couple used to have these heart to heart talks and thangs. We wanted to switch partners because we believed that my girl and her guy were perfect for each other seeing as we saw them as deadbeats.

The nerve.

Then that one day came. I got fed up in being in a one sided relationship, hated my position and hated egging on my girl and my homeboy in that couple that hang out with us.

We deserved more.

I didn't know how to get it.

Maybe I did, but that meant...


Yep. She had to go. They did too. Job did as well. How would I live? Where would I go? Who would love my broke ass?

Shit.

The cost of making change definitely outweighed reasons to stay. I didn't want to be lonely and struggling. I never wanted to be in a destitute situation. I didn't want to make a mistake like getting rid of the people that could help me out financially if I started down this road of doing things for self. I had already lost weight and got down to about 330. The weight got scared off because of the diabetes thing but I knew that lounging around 350 wasn't enough. I was still unhealthy and needed insulin to get by. All of a sudden, like in a split second, the relationship ended with sistergirl after damn near a decade and a half. I found a place to stay that cultivated my artistic side. I found a new job and gained a best friend out of the deal. I started dating a personal trainer and we moved in with each other. How did I do this and so quickly?

That's a secret that I'm willing to share with some, not all.

The first thing I did was change my internal dialogue. How I spoke to myself determined the course of my day, matter of fact it controls one's life. I knew that a long time ago when I said that "This is going to be a shitty day", 'shit' happened. Seriously, I would steer myself right into the biggest shitpile... You should have seen me back then. Why is it so natural to talk yourself into being surrounded with bullshit? Is there comfort in chaos? My brain functioned properly, All my chubby fingers and toes worked. I had been given and was taught how to maximize my common sense. I had faith in the Creator and knew that gifts had been placed in my path for me to succeed, but why didn't I do what was best for me? Why couldn't do right by myself?

Because I talked myself out of all of that stuff.

A mentor told me to write down all of the stuff my 'little voices' told me when I was able to hear them. Like a bad Steve Martin movie, at some point, I started to hear all of these different voices during given situations. Sometimes I was a master ventriloquist doing new voices and sabotaging my own shit. When I was shopping, one voice told me that I wasn't worthy of me spending money on me, even though I worked hard for my loot and was deserving. Other times when a sister was giving the big man some rhythm, a little voice would tell me I was too fat to even have her extend the courtesy even though she was right there... Extending courtesy.

My little voices were telling me to stay in the house, not do anything and just clam up because I wasn't shit. I was a fat, miserable lonely man incapable of making things happen because I micromanage everything and overconsume all the time. Why were my voices telling me these things? How come when I was getting ready to do the do my little voice would throw that sexual assault thing at me? Why is it when I felt bad my little voice told me to eat my problems away, even though I was insulin dependent at the time and overeating would blowuptuate my blood sugars sending me to the hospital? Why did my little voice tell me that I was ugly and not worthy to be loved every time I brushed my crooked teeth? That my eyes were too big? That taking out another student loan to go back to school was not only a waste of time but would make my big, black, Professor Klump looking ass (I shole' looked like him too) overqualified and under appreciated in whatever job I took? Why did they tell me to stop writing music?

And why when I asked my little voices why they lived to sabotage me, they blamed their reasons on shit that happened from way back when?

They told me they were scared.

Fear of the unknown is the major reason a whole bunch of isms' are prevalent in society today. Being in fear I learned, is a matter of choice. I learned this over time: If I chose to live in fear, then I'm wasting time The Creator has given me to make change and touch others. Why else would I still be here? I lived in a disfunctional black family with an alcoholic as the matriarch. I got touched as a kid. My dad drank himself into a cocaine addiction and then my mother left him, leaving my little brother and sister fatherless from the late 80's to early 90's (the time I was in the military). I survived alcoholism after I enlisted into the service during wartime. I survived growing up on the streets in one of the most violent neighborhoods in America and came out unscathed. I got a chance to travel the globe and live in other countries, not for a few months or for vacation time, but for years. I beat a few scares with growths in my body and with diabetes and reconstruction of 2 major bodyparts and after all of that, I am damn near ideal weight, off of insulin and don't even have a limp after having my knee rebuilt.

What can I be scared of now?

And why when I asked my voices that shit did they gang up on me and started to close in?

17 comments:

T. S. Snowden said...

Damn...

Sweet KeiKei said...

damn is right....

El Alexander said...

WOW and DAG! then voices

Rose said...

them voices are a trip; that's what get folks all the time. I like what you said about changing the internal, that's powerful and important in dealing with much stuff.

Ms_SoCal said...

Damn ... u have this way of telling me what I need to hear when I need to hear it.

Damn u, u're like a sweet misery!

LadyLee said...

"Fear of the unknown is the major reason a whole bunch of isms' are prevalent in society today."

Really though...

I think you tapped into the key, the ROOT, to it ALL... Fear... Whenever I'm in doubt, or those "little voices" start getting to me... I take a moment to stop, and ask myself... "What am I afraid of?" When I deal with the fear, and start replacing fear-filled feelings and words with faith-filled/positive words? I see what you're talking about here... I see change...

Doggonit... You said the darn thing. Internal dialogue is the essential starting point if we're going to see change...

Excellent post... and way to go with using a slice of your own life to break it down to us, bruh...

Anonymous said...

This post nails it. I have changed my internal dialogue and start the day with something positive. I still hear the voice throughout the day but it's getting easier to dismiss them.

I'm anxious to read part 2. It seems that once we stand up to the voices and reclaim our power they come back with something bigger and scarier ...

Paula D. said...

Hassan, this post was so on point! You are right about 'the little voices' & the role that fear plays. It truly is a matter of choice.

aquababie said...

thank you again for sharing. you are one powerful brother. i've had to change my internal dialogue over this last year. in my head everything i heard told me that i wasn't good enough...that everything i loved about myself wasn't true. i started not to believe what i knew was true.

long story short, i'm making my way back changing that internal dialogue.

Tasha said...

I'm newer to your blog, but never commented. You hit the nail on the head with this and broke it down without sounding preachy. Thanks for sharing your story so we can maybe be inspired and change the course of our own.

The Brown Blogger said...

I thank all of you for coming thru.

I want folk to understand that me getting to a place where I can take some layers off took a little time. I realized that I put myself in certain situations and did the wrong things sometimes to get out of them. I'm hoping to inform and testify than inspire.

The fact that this word gets tossed around on my blog is complimentary to me, and I am grateful. All I wanna do is use my blogspace as a gathering place so we can get closer to where we're supposed to be. I'm no longer afraid to reveal myself and share my truths, I hope that the rest of y'all are able to do the same at some point.

I am entertained, inspired, informed and overwhelmed by how y'all do your thing in your blogs. I hope this can be looked at as infoshare.

LadyLee said...

Well Hassan... dude, who else but you can take it deep in your own comment section??

I've been toying with this for about close to a year now... and you have finally received your *Origianl Oldboy* Platinum Plus Card... and it's good solar system wide, son...

...got a whole post dedicated to you today (check my blog!).

Use your card wisely, Shawty;)

Bballmom said...

wow

i know I need to have the internal dialogue. But, I avoid it because then I have to deal with the truth.
And I am not ready for that.

thanks for sharing

Gallis said...

It's nice to hear things on this level from you. I am inspired and I feel less alone. Thank you for that.

Ming Houser, Realtor said...

The voices used to talk to me so bad I thought I was literally going crazy. Then it dawned on me that it was nothing, but debil trying to hold a sistah down. That's when I started forcing myself to say good things...true things...and kicking the negativity to the curb.

You are so positive. I wish I would have started reading you earlier!

Ms.Honey said...

The voices in our heads can be a good thing and a bad thing...I tell you. Funny thing is the moment you realize that you gotta make a change you seem to have a renewed energy...but starting to change is what's hard for me.

Liz Dwyer said...

It's hard to cleanse the grime off our internal mirrors in order to see our true selves reflected there. Too many of us have had the same experiences with being around addicts: people hooked on food, liquor, cigarettes, drugs, and anger, all attempts to chase away our fears. You sound like you're on the path to claiming your inherent nobility and I thank you for sharing...this is why I love blogs, you never know what gems you'll come across while clicking on random links.