Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Monday, June 04, 2007

Wearing It Out

I've always been able to extend thangs before I had my happy moment.

You know what the hell I mean.

I've always been able to perform and last, you know... Put a good show on and hold out and extend that thang before reaching the climactic ending of yet another sexual episode. It was almost like there was an old school media announcer narrating my escapades like I was shagging on 'Texaco's Majestic Master Of Mystery Radio Hour'.

"How long will Hassan last this time?"
"Is this his greatest fourth quarter performance yet?"
"Will she cry mercy again under his heavy humping?"
"Is he impressed - will there be a return date?"
"Did she reach climax, or was he just out to get one for himself?"

"We'll know the answer to these questions and many more at the end of another episode of...

"The Phantom Climax!!!" (cue dramatic/cheesy radio thrill music)

I used to be able to separate sex from making love. It was no thing to have sex and put on an academy-award winning, in the bed, floor shaking performance for a sister. Problem is, now in my late 30's I can't seem to find the motivation to let one go all willy nilly without great reason. I have lost the ability to separate my emotions from sex because I believe in soul ties.

I think it has something to do with me getting grown, but in 2007 it's all about actually feeling this incredible bond and having mutual respect for a sister so deep seeded that if I ain't feeling the universe... It ain't working.

You got that
That it's too good I don't deserve it kinda love
That girl I'm calling in sick to work kinda love
That sweaty funky dope kinda love
That's what you got
That call it a night kinda love

That girl slow down I'm about to bust kinda love
That don't stop girl, get it get it kinda love
That back it up, break it off head boards knockin' kinda love
That's what you got
Call it a night kinda love

Wear It Out - Gerald Levert

Remember that shit?

I feel kind of guilty because I think that over time it's led up to this. I've been so wrapped up into getting my thang together on so many levels that it's like any lust or desire I have, even a little it is suppressed or totally has dried up to the point where I don't want to do it at all. It's like I'm hating sex based on all of the bad, meaningless sex I've had over the years. I think my shit is broke y'all. I would love to get back to enjoying the act, but spiritually I just don't feel like it's my time to release that monster onto the world.

I don't understand.

I really want to, but when I just can't right now. How in the hell is she supposed to understand that shit because I can't. I've never been at a point where I don't wanna do it but I seem to have reached that point right now, and it flusters me badly.

And yes, thinking about my performance makes me (and every other brother) so aware of their performance to a fault.

So I'm stuck.

I'm confused.

And I want to let one go so badly right now. But whatever it is...

Whatever it is...
Whatever it is...

It won't let me.

What in the hell is wrong with me? This isn't normal behavior, is it?


Little Brown Girl said...

Funny thing...I hate BET but I got caught watching some talk show last night where they were dealing with the issue of why the marrage rate is so low/divorce rate so high in the black community. One of the dudes on there was talking about this very as he got older and grew into manhood he became less interested in merely releasing sex.ually and began to desire a relationship where he was able to develop a strong mental and emotional connection with someone. The absence of that connection made it more difficult for him to perform and less interested in the women he was dating. He thought he was crazy but then he said that he started to understand that the whole idea of black men wanting to be with a bunch of women was in fact a farce and he said that only in their immaturity could they not develop a greater sense of understanding about the value of having one woman in your life to experience ups and downs with. When you have that your experiences are 10 times more gratifying and that is what a mature male eventually comes to desire. You my dear appear to be venturing into complete maturity...CONGRATULATIONS!

Oh and I forgot to mention...I AM FIRST...Yeah Yeah Yeah!!!

The Brown Blogger said...

It's hard to stand sometimes and openly admit that I am entering a mature space in which I demand accomodation. I don't think it is that easy. One thing I am not afraid to admit is that I've had physical problems that prevented me from getting down and dirty, but I have also had breakthroughs both physically, spiritually and medicinal that brought me back on point performance wise.

One thing that I still cram to understand is why it becomes such a mental process when I want to get to that point with a sister. Back in the day,it was no thing for me to do the damn thing, and as much as I want to express myself physically to her, I run the gambit of sometimes feeling like my actions outside of the physical have either been ignored or just plain taken for granted.

Sometimes I think that this is the reason I don't respond physically or become hesitant in my actions. I want to be much more than some cat with potential, a possible provider and the cat that can lay it down. I believe that I am more than that, but often I get shut down before I can even get the words out, and that supresses the actions tremendously. One day when I decide to settle in one spot I would like dual actions to be about laying a foundation that spiritually comforts the two of us, making things like the physical action the icing on the cake.

Most times for me it's usually (and this is just me talking) me getting mine and she getting hers. I admit that I am still trying to find myself and some things can't be shared, but... Approaching an 'us' situation would bring me to wanna settle in that one place.

I haven't reached that moment in my life, so in that aspect I'm still a child, but I'm working on it.

Nothing to congratulate me on yet.

T. S. Snowden said...

I have never been sexually intimate with someone I didnt have feelings or so I cant speak on the meaningless sex aspect of anything. I associate emotion and sex, if I dont feel for someone, then I cant have a sexual relationship with them. If I love someone I want to be intimate with only them. If they dont reciprocate, then I have to wait for my feelings to fade in one way and transform in another way before I can move on to the next person...but that's just me.

You mention that it has become a mental process, I think it is supposed to be that way. One should stop and think before proceeding in situations like that. You say also that you are confused but it doesnt sound like confusion to me because you say that
A. physical ailments have been a hindrance.
B. You feel like you get shut down when you want to express yourself.(maybe discuss it with the person)
C. You say that you need soul ties and to feel this incredible bond and to have respect for "her" and if you dont have it, then "it aint working".
You seem to know what the issues are.
In a nutshell you say that you get shut down (how does she shut you down?), you have not been feeling well and you dont feel that there is a soul tie.
Normal is relative so...if you dont feel it, you just dont feel one's fault right?
When you do finally reach that point with someone everything may just fall into place.
That's my 2 know, grain of salt and all that.

Tasha said...

I wish I could add something of substance, but royce's daughter has truly taken the words from my fingers. Thank you for allowing all of us to be a part of that maturation process, it takes one hell of a man to do that.

Bananas said...

Actually, I don't think this is a strange thing at all. As I became older, (and I'm a bit older than you) I too found out that - well, for a lack of a better phrase - fuckin' for fuckin's sake wasn't where it was at any more. In fact I needed an emotional connection to "perform" as well.

I think it happens because over time you find out that the intimacy is where it's really at. That's what starts to turn you on and get you, er ah, motivated.

Some might call it getting older and wiser, some may say older and weaker, but in my book, I think we just come to find out that the physical just ain't enough any more. The connection of souls is where it's really at.

The Brown Blogger said...

R.D. & Tasha:
If I have to print it and reread it again... I will.

I never expressed the need for a soul tie. I did write that I believe in soul ties, meaning that I have a belief that when two people come together there is a spiritual bond that lasts beyond our time.

I try to be as forthcoming with my beliefs in my journaling. I hope that there is an understanding with whomever reads my words in what I write. I try to remain clear, but alas...

I also wrote that if I don't feel the universe... then it ain't working. Do I have to break that down? I'm talking bout' all things being well and good in my universe. Has nothing to do with other people sometimes. This is the reason I chose to share this unconfortable and embarrasing portion of my life with the general public. I need answers!

I know, that universe statement was probably a little artistic for some and I apologize for not reading back what I write sometimes but I wrote it, those are my thoughts and I know what I said and what was written.

I think I mentioned something about having mutual respect for the sister in general, not lack of it. As a matter of fact, I know I did. I also mentioned that as much as I want be physical, I feel that I cannot, so how is the sister supposed to understand something I cannot?

That's why I asked in the first place. Sometimes it takes everything to fall into place in just reading reading a blogpost. This is serious shit to me, I appreciate those that take the time and read me, but I'd appreciate it even more if the post was read and not skimmed over.

I never would have asked if I didn't want real answers.

Nail on the head. What I was thinking, but sometimes someone else has to verbalize it.

Little Brown Girl said...

Connection of souls (as Terry put it) is very critical...why? Because the spirit within us is here to connect with other spirits...the act of se.x serves a dual purpose 1) to allow two spirits to truly commune with one another and 2) to serve as a vehicle for conception which allows 2 spirits to breathe life into another.

True pleasure comes when done in accordance to the will of the Most High. When done strictly for pleasures purpose you lose the true nature of what God intended for you and your mate...and a nut becomes just another nut (a good feeling that doesn't last any longer then the experience) and your soul is left unsatisfied because their is no lasting spirit-filled connection leaving you on a constant search...and that shyt becomes exhausting!

At some point, eff'n for eff'n's sake starts to all feel the same and your inherent desire to have a spiritual experience begins to take shape.

All that to say that I do believe your maturing, spiritually...beginning to recognize the true worth/purpose for the sex.ual part of your life. I see that as a Blessing!

OK I'm done for today (PROMISE) but I admire your ability to be open about this...

T. S. Snowden said...

Yikes, forgive my ineptitude.
I didn't skim the post (I certainly wouldn't have added my 2 cents without reading the entire entry) but I clearly must have misinterpreted it and For that my apologies.

Anonymous said...

Wow. The first two comments have basically summed it all up. I have a different worry. How I can separate sex and love. I will probably blog about it soon. You have made me think

Beana said...

i just did a little itty bitty post similar to this one where I felt that I needed to be "recalled". Because just dating or doin the do just cause is a waste of my time and energy now. Its not fun anymore. Now that i've reached "grown status" I require more. Seems as if youre basically saying the same thing if I read u correctly. I appreciate you sharing. Its hard to expose yaself but for me its wonderful to learn that someone shares a struggle with me. Its encouraging to see them work through a spot i might be stuck in. I appreciate you sharing you with us.

Ms_SoCal said...

I think I just fell in love with you my friend! A hell of a man you are! U know my thoughts on this. Loved the blog and love that you allowed us into your world!

Kisses to you and yours always!