Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Sunday, June 17, 2007

Wrong Place, Wrong Time In Speech And Actions

I haven't had the opportunity to blog due to my unrealistic schedule and travel but there have been things on my mind that I wanted to share, so I do this from my desk at work. I need to be learning about what it is that makes my job so important, but when it's just you and a handful on a Sunday, time is all you got.

Something I noticed.

In life, some people regardless who they are or the extent of their nature have no clue on how to accommodate someone in transition without announcing or acknowledging what it is that makes transition uncomfortable or difficult. If it wasn't for some of those announcements most of us wouldn't know that such difficulties exist. There is indeed a struggle in adjusting to new surroundings. Most times it's just a part of progression in digging in.

We try, I believe we do but sometimes the fact that we make a big thing out of a small thing that becomes a big thing is the wrong thing to do. especially when that someone is you, regardless which side you're on. Sometimes just diligently working things into your daily routine or learning the language, or acting more like Romans in Rome without making a Broadway production out of things is what is needed to digest and understand all things new in transition. Slow, easy and silent is the best way sometimes.

Take me for example.

In my coming to Houston to recover physically I've encountered more difficulty in finding ease in the actual act of transition than I have in actually transitioning. I'm not complaining because I have the support and the love I need to get by and beyond. I just noticed that when people's hearts allow them to give themselves, sometimes its followed or proceeded with an announcement when in my personal opinion sometimes that verbal memo should have been kept to themselves.

You don't have to explain to me how difficult things are with adapting to the culture, the climate or the environment and how you will do and how you've done to have helped someone before me. I already know that. Let me take my steps without indicating that I made what could be considered wrong steps in your eyes.

You don't have to go above and beyond the call of duty to accommodate someone that has working hands, feet and a very functional mind. The best thing in allowing someone into your realm when its new to them is letting them experience the experience. Self-discovery is life changing for most, especially when one is allowed to revel in the moment after the newness sinks in.

You damn sure don't have to ostracize someone in order to motivate them to get deeper into the experience. Just because you know about all that is your neck of the woods, that is not going to stop someone from making gentle comparisons to where they're from because maybe that's all they know. Anything else added to someones adjustment makes it extremely damn uncomfortable and adds the permanent stain that will be embedded into memory, that moment being related to an unhappy experience.

Thing is, I've been blessed to travel a lot and see places my mother used to excite me about in her bedtime stories and fairy tales. When I've unboarded a plane or stepped off of a train or somethingortheother, all I had to depend on is my wit, charm and personality if previous study of the lay of the land and my pocketbook didn't suffice.

I had a conversation with my brother this evening and he knew the discomfort in my voice. The convo was all about him and Pops and the Father's Day festivities and the voice mail message I left that made him cry. I didn't mean to, but I logged into my Gmail account and saw someone online in Google Chat who only had memories. Her father passed a few years back and when we used to kick it back in the day I never felt a vibe like I felt the night she told me about her father, her love for him and how much a void there was since he passed away. I have my dad, my stepfather and a new stepfather along with uncles and other family and friends that were more than a rock for me throughout my entire life. I could never imagine a day without them there and as I saw the little green button indicating her online I felt her void again.

We don't speak anymore, but I still love her love for her dad and I said a little prayer. I hope her day went well.

I had to tell my brother how uncomfortable I feel here in Houston and how that feeling I had months ago hasn't gone away. It ain't the place, it's my place in life. I know that each day I spend here feels more and more like that feeling I got from that sister when she shared her feelings about her father. I spent my day at work getting nothing accomplished in my spiritual growth and development. That time would usually be spent with my father and brothers.

I am in the wrong place, and the fact that I had to leave Pops a voicemail message tells me that my timing is off as well.

I am supposed to be closer to those I have been put here to be closer to. I hope in going back to Chicago in a few weeks that I can release what I have held in order to keep my sanity, get some fresh vibes and move forward.


LadyLee said...

Very poignant post, Hassan... I feel where you are coming from. I felt similar when living in New Orleans. I hope your return to Chicago will give you some peace of mind.

JustMeWriting said...

Wow...that sounds like a lot to deal with, and you're right about people overspeaking and fashioning a crutch for a man who can walk, just because they think he'll need it, but I'm glad you know to stand on your one will.

Little Brown Girl said...

I know it doesnt feel like it right now but even in this, you are being prepared for something greater in your journey. We never understand why when we're in the now and it's uncomfortable...but years from now you'll look back on this period in your life and be grateful for having had the opportunity to experience it. Because I am convinced that through adversity, struggle, heartache, loneliness, seperation from those we hold most those experiences we are forced to grow and become that much closer to what God intends for us to be. It seems a little dark right now but evenutally you'll find great pride in having perservered and come out of this even stronger and more focused on living then you ever have before!!!

Peace and Blessings...

princessdominique said...

I know what you mean about people making their announcements and observations. Silence is golden. Sometimes just listening is enough. At least that's what I appreciate most. Do what you've got to do. You know I'm here.

Luke Cage said...

Brotha Hassan, here's to you making it back to ChiTown and doing what you've got to do man. I bet you can't get there soon enough. And here's to the future, and that that uncomfortable feeling you've been experiencing when you moved to Houston finds some outlet and disperses from your body friend. Here's to your journey.

Aly Cat 121 said...

I'm a month into my new state transition myself. I think about home and where I'm from but when you have 3 babies and one on the way, a change of plan ain't so quick. Glad you were able to make the connections you made in Houston. How wonderful it must be to be able to pick up and go whenever you feel you need to. I guess when I'm about 55 years old, that will be me too. LOL

The Brown Blogger said...

Aly - I was just about to put a search party out on you.

Good to hear things are adjusting well for you and the fam.

Aly Cat 121 said...

yeah ya gurl gotta a bootleg laptop from the Hubby's job (cuz half my desktop still missin) so I had to find you and others thru blogrolls. *shakin head*