Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Monday, October 15, 2007

Huh?

I still don't feel like coming here... Give me a little time, will ya?

About my uncle... I decided to give that lil' tidbit of info, other things in this investigation I'd rather not talk about and there are certain things I cannot say. You never know who links you to folks and when they lurk and give info about you and yours. Trust me when I say stuff like that can lead to you falling off your horse. I'm still brushing myself off right from falling some time ago.

Nuff Said



Hey?

You ever wake up and realize exactly what you're supposed to do and where you're supposed to be?

I had that epiphany some time ago, I just had to get to the place to make it happen. I am happy in being in the exact place, moment and in the company of those that will observe with hope and will also participate in my overall happiness. It takes a spiritual overhaul to get to that place and be in that moment with those people. The process in not painless.

It took time for me to get here and I kept falling over and over. I am not surprised in the changes made for me to realize what I like to call 'my happy'. It's not weird like I thought it would be, ya know?

Writing for me has been a labor to say the least for me. I know that events circumstances in 2007 has led me to find out that I am not a writer, nor do I have the inspiration to continue writing. I lost the desire by influence and I wish I could explain further, I know that there are so many other important things than me working to meet a deadline... And for what?

I can safely say that 2007 up to late summer/this fall has been my worst time in my life. I ain't talking about losing family or not communicating with family or real friends. You look back at what your lowest points are and how you functioned and are amazed in how and what you did to fight back up to the surface. Pain, discomfort and deprivation leads you to either give up or live another day. Writing and the joys I once found in it are just one of the things I'm letting go because of what stymied and disillusioned me about writing.

There is no joy in it for me anymore. I actually hate it.

I'm also soured on making new music as well. I'm working on getting that mojo back. There are wonderful opportunities in my new place that will help me harvest material that has been trapped inside of me for quite some time. I embrace that because I could never give up the drum.

I know that some of you think of me as this focused, driven machine destined to be alone with countless pages of my writings, to the contrary, I knew what my purpose was but I had to get there spiritually in order for me to fulfill said destiny.

I want to be a father.
And a husband.
That's right I said it... I want to be a family man.
And I don't want to put my career or personal aspirations in front of that.

Career aspirations aside, I know that this is what I am supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be, so in totally throwing y'all a super slow curve ball I must say that I am working on being those two things before anything else right now at this moment. It ain't like I'm speed dating or having sex for conception right now, but you know what I mean.

After years and years of doing what I thought I wanted to do and in doing that knowing what I don't want, I am now in the place where I want to be the family man the Creator placed me here to be. Yeah, I probably will train some tiny Pan-African revolutionary activists hell bent on making the change I still want to make, but I ain't wasting time cooped up trying to write about the revolution.

Remember, it ain't supposed to be televised, right?

Unless you're watching a porno.

6 comments:

Aly Cat 121 said...

so you working on being a Daddy first? LOL. Let me stop cuz everybody know what I'm working on with all my children. (dayum ain't that a soap opera?)

Rose said...

Do you and be happy!

Celebhaterz.blogspot.com said...

WOW, thats so deep. U can be a family man, have a wife to encourage you to write, and be an activist. What exactly was your ephiphany? I dont think I got that part??? ANyway great blog, check minez out

aquababie said...

there's nothing wrong with wanting it all. i applaud for saying it out loud. forvgive me for the generalization, but you never hear some men say what you said.

Gallis said...

I think you have to follow your heart. That's what I admire about you. You don't define yourself and make that absolute. You recognize the inevitability of changing as life changes. Who's to say you won't go back to music and writing? But I agree. That all can't come at the cost of ignoring what your heart is really telling you.

MsTee2u said...

I am going to go against the grain here and I hope you understand where I am coming from. While I understand what you are saying, what I see might be a little bit of depression. Take it from one who has suffered from the disease for over half of her life, whenever you no longer take pleasure in doing things you once loved doing (and in your case are obviously so good at doing) then something is wrong. Black men are last on the list for getting help for depression but I still wanted to put it out there. You may think that nothing is wrong that you cant solve on your own but you would be amazed at what the right person pointing you in the right direction can do for your perspective on life. Peace and blessings my friend.