Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Consistantly Inconsistantly Consistant

Okay, I've been a little absent... Sorry.

Well, maybe not. I'm not that busy but I have been planning my vacation and new year's plans with my other half and enjoying the fact that she's actually there. I mean, right here *points*. I know, I was supposed to explain all of that and I will... Next week. I promise.

I tell you, I've never been this befuddled in blessings in my life. Ever. Its a good thing though. I just needed time to sort out how something, someone, some situations so good happened to me of all people. Let some folks tell it, I am one cold hearted Martha Focker worthy of nothing but bad karma for the rest of my years.

That's another thing. I had to get over some deep seeded hatred that still kind of resides in my heart. Small traces though. One thing about finding love and re-establishing a relationship with my mother is that I had to get over an event or two that happened to me this year that had me hating someone. I never thought that I would ever be in such a predicament seeing as I've gone thru some shit in my short life.

We're taught as children to not even use the word hate, and some of us even grew up in christian households with extreme love and forgiveness being taught both in school and at home. I was one of those children, having that principle beaten over my head to the point where I thought it had settled in and thought that it regulated my behavior. I guess sometimes it takes a few things to make stuff like that dissipate.

Even when someone thinks they are doing you well they could actually be doing you harm. I know one thing, I had to let go of anger and resentment when it came to my mother as well. It took that release of anger and hatred to make me see that I was wasting time and energy when it came to folk who never mattered in my heart, so how did I feel hatred in the first place? I see my mother now and I see a different woman than the one I remember.

In the 15 or so months I went ignoring her calls and not speaking and seeing her I can see with fresh eyes that life is beginning to take its toll on her. Know that my mother is strong and will not let the simple shit in life whoop her ass. I'm just saying that she doesn't even look the same in my eyes and knowing how foolish I was to hold a grudge against her and be out of her life when she could have been easily taken away from me makes me feel that much more of a special feeling because I still have her and I need her now more than I ever have.

Sometimes, I can be stupid. I thank the universe for the opportunity to rekindle. If it wasn't for her, I would never know the love that I attempt to reciprocate from an amazing woman born on the same day she was. It is my mother who coached me up with a few pearls of wisdom that had me to understand and act upon something I had no clue on, and that is love from a good woman.

And then she tried to kidnap her away from me. In other words, for someone that has never gotten along with previous boyfriend's moms and such, My mother gave her a warm embrace of welcome into the family, investigated the beginnings of our relationship, told her every Hassan secret, gave her pearls on how to treat and keep her son and immediately asked for grandchildren.

My mother. What the hell was I thinking in the past few years?

When this year started, I was working a job I didn't want in a place I didn't want to travel to, reeling from injury that I thought at the time would affect my career as a big rig operator. From then to now things got progressively worse to the point of depressed anger, relocation and then homecoming with me getting back into a rig. It was when I came home that my crooked got straight and of course, with me taking the last two weeks of December off to go roast in the sun on a much needed vacation and then ringing in the new year with my other half, I will take next week to look over and reflect on the events that got me here.

There were a few things that had me jaded on love, life and the opportunity to make good in life which lead to me having feelings of hatred for someone I once held close to me as a friend. I knew that I had to let that go in order for me to to even have that simple conversation I had with my mom that first week of August. It took death, love, hatred and despair for me to get here right now. I can't write this shit, trust me but I'll try in the coming days.

And then... Vacation.

And rebirth.

And family, and then I can celebrate 2008 and do my dance.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

It is amazing and a true blessing that you can not only process, but so freely write about such a range of emotions....not only that but also realizing how they have affected you and the benefits you're reaping from them.

What a way to end a year!

Gallis said...

Hassan, if anyone deserves a vacation, it's you! Enjoy.

Kawana Aminata Oliver said...

Good Post, Get your vacation On!!!

Aly Cat 121 said...

Okay I was all on it and feeling you but then you put that RING in bold letters and I "gasped" Yes I'm a nosy azz heffa, sh*t. LOL. *lookin at you* What you up too?

aquababie said...

i saw that bold RING too. nuptials for the new year??
and i'm happy to read about the reconnection with your mother. as i've said before, you sound happy :)

...they call me "L" said...

congratulations on freeing yourself and opening your life to the blessing of love. and it looks like a wedding's in the mix...beautiful!

The Addict said...

I see you, my friend! Love is truly the greatest thing in this life, and when you are open to receive it, wonderful things happen. Can't wait to see how things turn out! Enjoy your vacation. Happy Holidays!

Lola Gets said...

Uh-oh, are new changes coming up in the next year for you?? Ill keep reading to find out!
L