Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Monday, February 25, 2008

Never Again

Sometimes I quietly admonish myself when I'm rendered helpless on things.

That happened to me yesterday.

As much as I trust the one person I feel I can ever trust with everything, I also feel like I should be able to protect my wife from anything and everything with no exception. There was a business situation in which there was an error made and I could do nothing.

I felt like dying because two months into my marriage I was remanded to just standing there being rendered useless in a situation and I felt less than myself. And to top it off it was my anniversary. Dig that.

Now I know as a man there is a point where he is to leave his woman enough space for her to do her thing, I guess I haven't found the point where I'm supposed to give space.

All I could ever want in a woman lies next to me at night, and last night I just couldn't sleep right because I felt like I should have done something to save the situation, so all I could do in lying in bed was to try to find the perfect position. We writhed and wiggled and never found that perfect point. She started snoring and I pulled her close making her skin my skin. I tried my best to find the right touch, the proper stroke to soothe and settle my better half and provide enough comfort for her to find that perfect place in sleep so she could lose her troubles, but to no avail.

We both woke up this morning sore and fatigued.

As hard as I tried to rub her shoulders and caress her neck, pull her close to find that perfect spooning position, wrap myself onto her and vice versa things just didn't work out. And now I feel like I owe her more than I did yesterday.

I got up at about 2:45 in the morning went over to D Herbs and made the decision to take the total body fast and the pancreatic fast seeing as I'm supposedly diabetic, I need to purge my failures and be healthy enough to be her to raise my family and be there for her. That's all that matters, right? We made a decision in December to get a sleep number bed, and that is being purchased first as we fill our new home in a week or two. There is no way she can wake up uncomfortable again. I need to make sure her GPS and satellite radio in her vehicle works perfectly so she can never feel lost alone in this, the third largest city in the world. I still think it's unfair that I lived here first. I hate having unfair advantages over her like that. I need an even keel. I need to make sure she continues to never hear a lie from my mouth and every action directed towards her is geared for comfort and ease, I can never fail this woman. She will bear my seeds and command my home and she deserves better than what I'm doing/giving right now..

I need to do more.
I need to be more.
I need to have more.
I need to make more.

My world no longer feels big, important or just enough enough to have her in it. I'm not overwhelmed, I just need to be the man that she married and I feel that situations like yesterday slips me down a notch where I once stood, unable to do anything.

I never experienced that before. I never need to fail her or myself like that ever again. It cuts like a knife and digs in like a shovel... And it hurts, yet it's so simple.



Bananas said...

You ain't said nothing no man has ever felt about the woman he loves.

We ALWAYS need to do more. And of course we can't fix everything. But damn if we won't die trying.
Keep on keepin' on.

Eb the Celeb said...

reflection is the best way to make it better... you realize it, and that's the first step... many other men dont even take the time to evaluate the situation so kudos to you for knowing that you have to do better...

Beana said...

ditto what eb said.

and the love you have for her is so abundant, im sure in her eyes, you are still her knight in shining armor. If nothing else, I bet if you ask her...are you no less today than you were yesterday and the day before.

Aly Cat 121 said...

Dayum being married to the one you love the most will do that to you. You ain't gonna know what to do once babies come into play (there won't be no more spooning, that's fa sho *chuckle*)

princessdominique said...

I miss coming over here. I hope you two are well...

Darius T. Williams said...

I agree - reflection and positive action and things will be where u need them to be.

chele said...

I'll bet in HER eyes you didn't slip any notches.

Stay up, brother.

Gallis said...

Dude, you are WAY too hard on yourself. You're a human being. You're gonna eff up sometimes. Sounds like she gets that and would expect the same understanding in return. That being said, [and I may be getting very politically incorrect here] I think sometimes it's different for men. When the Marine ain't working I hardly know him. He can't stand it and unfortunately, construction can be feast or famine. I don't think less of him during these times, but I don't have to. He does a good enough job of that himself. It's not good for you. Sometimes a woman doesn't need comfort. She needs a man who's present, who's gonna keep going until the problem is resolved. You're there. That's 90% of it taken care of.

Anonymous said...

Don't be that hard on yourself!I know you well and I know you wouldn't ultimatelypick an impatient woman to be the I'm sure she understands and she loves all will be okay!I'd put good money on it!

Anonymous said...

I think you are beating yourself up too much. As long as you try your best to do what is right, you are good. We are humans, thus prone to mistakes. As long as you dont make the same mistake repeatedly, you are good.

The Second Sixty-Eight said...

Welcome to the REAL world of the married man my friend. Till you get hit with that ton of bricks feeling, you are only living the fantasy of married life.

One thing resonates in my mind that my father told me. "I woke up one morning and looked at your mother sleeping. I then realized that I was responsible for ALL of this. I got a little scared and overwhelmed." I got that feeling myself. It is only natural when you really care.

Bballmom said...

You are being too hard on yourself. I'm sure your wife understands you not only want more for the both of you, but you are moving towards that direction. Together.

Don't leave her out feeling you have to make it happen. Don't put more on your already overburdened shoulders than you need to.

Keep working together. Things will arrive exactly where the Lord has planned for the both of you.
Ease up on yourself and enjoy the love of you life.