Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Monday, December 28, 2009

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Laying around.


It's what I've been doing since I've been discharged from the hospital. Just laying around. I haven't touched my sites (and no one noticed, well except for clickbank, commission junction, ebay and paypal), went out once last week on my wife's bornday to watch her devour a big-ass steak and avoided all things holly, jolly and 'holy' by getting some much needed sleep. The sleep part came against my will as I adjusted to these meds I got (that I'm no longer taking) by gaining lethargy and losing the arrhythmia that was spinning me out of control.

But I knew there is always a better way.

I feel a little different and am a little angry because I went from ACE inhibitors to a beta-blockers in less than a week. The fact that certain medical professionals work from the physicians desk reference and not from case studies and experience thru history is a sick thing. Fortunately, i'm doing this on my own. My wife and  mother (who is a medical professional) convinced me to go to the hospital, and while I'm grateful in them getting me to the ER to save my life (because I was headed there - you know), I am very disappointed in their assessment that medical doctors are able to 'fix' things in one's life with the stroke of a pen.

They cannot and never will be able to.

So let's see... I didn't have a heart attack but I am in the possession of THREE drugs given to humans to maintain the heart and central nervous system after suffering a myocardial infraction...

And I didn't have a stroke or aneurysm BUT there is pressure on certain parts of my brain that leave me with debilitating headaches that I continue to have, even in my right now (except for when I do this one thing AGAINST doctor's orders)...

Second opinions, prescriptions, advice and game planning for 'this stage' in my life...

What stage? I am grateful to be the son of a radiologist and the nephew of a doctor and and a nurse as well as having a sister that's a nurse as well. I know the lingo, can read the transcripts and handwriting and actively participated in the conversations involving me, my workups and my scans. Other than elevated BP moderate cholesterol and a weird acting pancreas, I came in very damn healthy with a slight chance of stress. And I know what that little 'chance' of stress can to. So I adjust. Hell, I've adjusted a while ago and it has me under 240 pounds and active for the first time since I left the military (1993). Oh, did I mention that I messes with the herbacuticals and such?

Whatever, man. Ain't nothing wrong that non-medicine and common sense (with a whole lot of sleep, I'm back to two hours a night again. I know I gotta stop that but... Whatever, no excuses) and a whole lot of herbacutical living cannot cure. I'm already on top of that. I'm not worried about things and I am so ready to die (think Klingon, dammit!) if need be. I hear the universe and it mentions my name for some other stuff right now in this moment. That's the one thing I bothered not to explain to folks calling last week with concern. The one thing we have never been in control of is when our number will be called. I thanked them for calling and emailing and told them not to worry, I've done all that I've wanted to do and all that I can in history, and that I still will continue down my path with whatever time I have left, regardless of how much it turns out to be.

I am not dying, but ask my dad, cousin and a few friends, all they could do is suggest that I go even deeper in drug culture so that I can have a better quality of life. On who's terms? Wow. I love em' and I love their programmer even less. Couple that with the events of last week and there were some folks hemming and hawing over a little bit of nothing all in the name of something else. Something that doesn't even have anything to do with me. Never has.

For the record, I am going to keep doing the same things I have been doing before I had my 'incident' a week and some change ago. I don't plan on stopping doing what I love. I have found my niche and actually plan on relentlessly increasing my workload as well as increasing the amount of travel I have been doing. I just hope folks can keep up with me. Now, I will get some more sleep because I have to perform and I needs my rest, but not by much. The key is to do what you want and enjoy doing it without letting things, events and people stop you.

This was a road bump, more of a marker on my life's map. It gave me an indication on how many miles per gallon I was getting with my current brand of fuel, how efficient my engine was performing. That and I needed to stop to get an oil change and a lube job. I got all of that. The engine still runs and everything else is in perfect working order. I guess with the perpetual Roman calender (among other things) changing, folks get themselves all worked up in a lather over change and renewal. Funny, these are the same folks that try to convince you that man-made and designed things aren't that good for you sometime in March after the weight of the change and renewal mandate they put on themselves usually turns out to be somewhat unsuccessful.

Fail to plan, plan to fail I say. And for all of those with a plan, I salute you. Good looking out!

I no longer get frustrated with those types of things. When people bring em' up I just nod my head and keep moving in my direction. Some folk still stare with a sideways glare, shake their head and believe that I'm not listening. I am. I'm just keeping notes most times on what not to do. I know that my family, friends and those doctors that spent a few days trying to convince me to try out a litany of drugs to see which one my body will eventually adjust to all mean well.

I hope. I did encounter energies hoping that I would curl up and die though, but that's expected.

Even though we all know that some of my family and medical team's adoptive ways and un-natural creations will forever alter the path of me doing my thing, I still think they were thinking of my best interests.

Because of who I am, I can't live like that. I will not.

Not a hard question to answer I guess. Live life on someone else's terms, prolonging what seemingly would be torture, denying choice and experiencing slavery (products, services and efforts) or die doing your own thing, choosing to do what it do according to you and living life according to your own definition. If I live 40 more years in some drug induced haze using their GPS to get to some other destination, I would be miserable of being that person and would eventually end it all out of shame because I lived in a realm of cowardice. If I die tomorrow because I discontinued the bullshit the doctors gave me last week, then life has indeed been good. I am proud of where I am right now.

I'm still free. I just wish that everyone had the ability to see what freedom is and quit comparing it to material wealth and competition with others. Living life like that seems like a waste of time when you think about it that way, huh?






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6 comments:

Big Mark 243 said...

This was a road bump, more of a marker on my life's map. It gave me an indication on how many miles per gallon I was getting with my current brand of fuel, how efficient my engine was performing.

I like that. I like that alot. Most people don't understand the notion that someone will do what they are supposed to, but not to lose their minds and chase after something that really isn't ours to begin with.

Life. Whose is it??

Not meant to spark that debate, but some of my main concerns is EOL details... I have really thought about that in my younger days and would let that spur me to do most of the things I have done... am DOING..!

Will say that I think that it is a part of a 'new normal', that others would look at you and wonder why you don't 'suckle up' to big medicine... especially when they are a part of the industry has to bother them.

Some may want to call you selfish. I like to tell folks that 'hey, it isn't like I want to live forever!' But they aren't the one who is going to writhing in a hospital bed in some crap pajamas eating tasteless food and getting poked...

... and being recovered to 75% of what they were BEFORE they went into the hospital. Not going to mention that the '100%' was more like '90%' of what you should have been.

Anywho, this was a very interesting post. Some of the things I have to face cropped up here, but for different reason.

Stay healthy my friend!

Musique's Poetry said...

Stay healthy man. Just do what you got to do and take it easy. don't stress yourself and only you know what's best for you. All is already well.

LadyLee said...

You and your talkative ass. I just want you to feel better, bruh. Really.

Bunny Brown said...

Hassan!!!! Please take it easy, I know my words are futile but please... Hoping all gets back to your normal with no health challenges lingering. You made Lee take out the book of cuss LOL!!!

The Brown Blogger said...

Things are better than you think.

chele said...

Did Ladylee just call YOU talkative? Wow.

Here's to freedom!