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Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Monday, December 21, 2009

Staring It Right In The Face, Laughing

Have you ever had that moment in life where everything is cool?

I bet you have. Hell, we all have. Is it a distant memory or is it happening right now? I say that it doesn't matter. Never has. If you herald those moments in your today or live to live them, basically ignoring your right now to have a future planned moment to have just to remember said moment in the distant future... You're wasting your time.

I started this blog post early this morning and then I changed my mind about writing it. I then had a little time (waiting to see a specialist, more about that later) and decided to share the events that closed out my week and how it affected my weekend. It really started about a week and a half ago when I landed this terrible  mind numbing headache that rested behind my right eye. I couldn't get rid of it. Couldn't shake it. I couldn't see straight or think with clarity. My legs were fidgety in bed. I lost my equilibrium.

I was this close and kind of knew it. Didn't stop me though.

I kept doing all the things I was used to doing because I had schedules to keep, businesses to grow and websites to launch. I was going on 2 hours of sleep and not in succession. I was pulling coffee fueled all-nighters and midnight to mid-morning brainstorming sessions at 24 hour diners. I was only snacking on one meal a day. I was getting it in like a rock star. I ignored the headaches and vision blurriness because I wanted to get stuff done. I have a high pain tolerance. I got kind of stupid with this one though...


I ignored the signs until I had to go to the ER Thursday night. I couldn't stop the noises in my head, and then something popped. Literally. A small, painful pop that leaded to the feeling that my head was going to explode, complete with head exploding-type pain. I was in the bed all day Thursday still convinced that all I had to do was sleep that shit off.

Didn't work.

When I got to the ER, my blood pressure was 212 over 167 and the rest of me was out of control. I needed to be hydrated because even though I was drinking over 2 gallons of water a day I was still severely dehydrated. The docs had to determine if I had a heart attack or a stroke (or both) so I got a CT scan and an MRI after they needed more clarification. After they stabilized my vitals I was told that If I would have waited another day, I would have probably sank into a coma or better yet, died.

Like a facebook friend mentioned the other day: '2009 is the year of the celebrity death march'. I am by no stretch of the imagination a celeb, but I was pretty damn close to being in the front of the line, somewhere in the Kit Kat lounge of the upper room haggling for some autographs though.

Like I always say: A scared negro will get you killed. I wasn't scared per say, I pretty much knew the outcome of my actions and inactions. I just thought I could last another few days or so and didn't want to hit the ER or urgent care during the 'holiday rush'. There are a lot of folk that could use a friend and some good drugs during this time of year. That and I really didn't feel like going to no damn emergency room, but I'm glad I did.

I'm not sitting here relating to you guys some 'whew moment' and I'm damn not having an Ebenezer Scrooge moment where I vow to change my life because I was probably staring death in its face and want to change things. Quite the contrary. I laughed and felt happy about things. That fear subsided a while ago. I really don't regard Thursday, Friday and my drug induced weekend as anything life changing. Hell, we're all going to die anydamnway. That ticket is already punched.

2009 was a year in which death took a lot of folk we could relate to and just plain dug whether they were prestigious, infamous or just plain stupid. It also took folks we loved and held in high regard. So in that theme I guess I do have a pledge...

I pledge to not give a damn.

As much as I (and every beauty pageant contestant) wants world peace, universal heathcare for ALL Americans and for most black folk to just be (mentally and spiritually) free (among other things), I can no longer give a damn about most of those things. The days of the political me have pretty much ended. I will still give a damn about the current status of the hood and all that live there... I'll still care about my family, friends and all that touches and affects them... Other than that. I could care less.

I'm also going to continue down the path I was going before all of this nonsense began. If I'm going to go out, I'm going out the way I wanna, not with a bang or a flash but doing what I want to do. Literally. Now I will get more sleep (because I really missed it - Hey pillows!) and stay away from the stimulants that caused my heart to beat a little too damn fast, but other than that... Nothing that a neurologist, cardiologist or endocrinologist can say or do (medically or chemically) will prevent me from doing my mother fucking thang.

This means increased travel (and a beat up passport), less 'work' and a whole lot of Hip Hop and Rock and Roll. Fuck sick days, from this point forward I'm calling off for 'well time'. I'll be damned if I go out like a sucker, trapped in some cubicle or back office hating my employment existence, wishing to be some other place when I can make the conscious choice to actually be there and when I can afford to be? 

Sheeeeeyit.

I've lived longer than what I have left... Might as well have some fun with whatever I got.

If I get it... 2010 is going to be SICK... Sick I tell you!

Now, let's transcribe these scans.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Glad you're okay! HBP is pretty tricky it sneaks up on you! Enjoy reading your blog

Lili

♥ CG ♥ said...

Amen! Sometimes it takes a unexpected circumstance to light a fire under our butts. Happy you're doing well and ready to take on new things full steam ahead. All the best!

The Brown Blogger said...

Um... No.

There will be nothing new. There are no new plans. There is full steam on all the stuff I normally do.

I knew I was stressing on the expectations of my clients and in the formulation of the business. That is what it is.

What I'm saying is that I care not about what happens outside my circle. I'm going to keep on doing what I do at an even faster speed that I was.

If I go out, it'll be in the midst of putting in work... As long as it's after January 1. I care not when I die.

NeenaLove said...

whew...

your body will let you know when things are wayyyy imbalanced. glad to know you're getting it together and eliminating the "bull-hash". lol...

with a tempurpedic -- why would you NOT wanna sleep? lol... just curious!

Blah Blah Blah said...

...I have no resolutions...other than to be a better me than I was this year. Which shouldn't be too hard because I wasn't shit this year. [just jokes people...sorta]

I have a headache every day of my life for the past 25 years...some days they are not tolerable and I get ill...it's part of who I am.
However, I don't want to go out like that...would rather go out as gory as I can. Why? Why not.

Do you, however in that process...take care of your damn self...seriously! Always have fun...that's my motto.

Big Mark 243 said...

I'll be damned if I go out like a sucker, trapped in some cubicle or back office hating my employment existence, wishing to be some other place when I can make the conscious choice to actually be there and when I can afford to be?

LOL ... made me think of a lyric from EPMD... I play that in my head when I think that I am 'going out like a sucker'... and follow that up with 'you don't know if there will be anymore... so come, what you waitin' for ..!' from the Jungle Bros.

Yes, yes it has been a long time since hip hop, er, rap music has been relevant in my life, why do you ask?

Love what you mentioned at the end about using that darn passport. I told a friend I would like to go to Monte Carlo again, because who would believe I was there once before..? But other than that, the South Pacific is the place I'd like to spend time ... do the Tom Hanks 'Castaway' thing, or make like Gilligan. Either or, take your pick.

Anywho, I hope you really make the most of what's left and leave what's past where it is. Do your thing, bro!

The Brown Blogger said...

Exactly.

Ladynay said...

Keep on keeping on! Glad you went to see someone when you did! You don't have your ish established fully to go anywhere just yet!

Got me thinking about how crisp the pages of my passport are...dang! :-(

chele said...

Glad you're okay. People always say "life is short". I disagree. Life is way too long to spend another moment of if unhappy. Enjoy your life!

Rose said...

Be good and take care of yourself.

Tafari said...

Man, I used to go hard working on projects, school & anything else that brought in cash but one day, I ended up in the ER.

I was in class when I started having chest pains & thought I was about to be dead.

After being in the chest pain center & some stress testing, it was determined that I did not have a heart attack. All of the drama was related to stress & exhaustion.

From that day on, I said fuck it & restructured my life to do less of everything. I gave up designing websites, stopped taking too many classes a semester & I found ways to help me relax.

All the running around trying to accomplish something that can easily be taken became not worth my health & life.

I'm happy that you stopped for a moment to get help! You gotta take care of you to avoid that heavenly Kit Kat Lounge!