Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Saturday, March 06, 2010

I Think I'm Done

  • Facebook closure... CHECK
  • Twitter logout... CHECK
  • Blog wrap-up... CHECK

I write. A LOT. I just don't think it's anything I'd like to share anymore.

I really love where my life is at the moment. I am satisfied with things, even though I keep dealing with death and sickness. The finality and destruction of things teaches me that this is a cycle. Life itself of this plane of existence s just a circle.

I remember when I started truck driving.  I didn't have an eyeglass prescription or a GPS... I started wearing glasses and bought a GPS in 2007. A couple of years after I started seriously driving cross country, I attempted to function without my specs recently... and I couldn't.

I could not see, but I remember when I did, and very well. And I remembered when I didn't use that damned GPS to get from Jersey City to Compton... On the interstate... In a truck.

I want to go back to that.

There was a time not long ago when Blogger and Facebook did exist, but I was not in it. 

There was a time not long ago when the matriarch of my family wasn't all twisted up on her left side because she didn't have a stroke.

There was a time where I didn't have to stand with doctors and discuss me signing a DNR form.

There was a time where my mother did not see her deceased mother as much, pondering her own death.

There was a time where my wife thought she understood my heavy burden dealing with life's shit, but she really only empathized.... And never really understood.

There was a time when I just went to sleep and didn't give a minute to pondering my own death.

Death and sickness is all around me. It consumes most of my time. There is no blogging, twitter time or facebook play, although other people find way too much time to dive right in enough not to ask me about my day...

Because they avoid not only the reality of social standing, politics and fake-ass religion, they avoid the reality of the time we actually have before death or sickness drops out of the sky to get their asses.

So as much as I want to take the time and share my shit, I realize that it's only that... Shit. I mean, really... I get a good amount of hits on this forum and I even have a nice handful of folk who follow or RSS this blog and I appreciate that you stop by but... I know in the reality of things that I'm just weekday cubicle fodder for most. I help you waste away the day like a whole lot of other bloggers. While I never write to entertain a mindless mass, I thought I'd share... And I have.

Know that my life is no joke. Yours isn't either.

Since I started bloging in 2004, I've shared a lot about me. I never provided names or detailed shit out of respect to girlfriends, partners in crime, classmates, co-workers even enemies because they all deserve respect, and I feel that I have given that. I even had an relationship-esque episode that I absolutely have not talked about right around mid to late 2007 because the past is the past. Even though she brought and continually brings me up. Methinks I awakened something back in December when I made reference to some folk my wife and I dealt with that caused the innernetgossipfolk to stir some shit up. 

Funny thing is, when I'm thru with bullshit (the ordeal became a he said she said) I am thru, and this is the first time I officially actually addressed shit since that time. I'm sorry if you thought I was talking about you because I wasn't. I left that shit alone in 07' I really did. You have the right to be angry at me because I cut you off while I owed you money, but I do not owe anyone, including you an explanation. My actions were my actions, you don't have to indict my wife so get offa' that shit. You and her were truly innocent in my dealings. I did notice (because I never did look back until December when folk were EMAILING old blog passages (along with my December rants) from both me and you... Imagine that?) that you painted her and another person wrong when it is me you have the beef with. I see that you're still angry and you have a right to be. Keep them energies on me, not anyone else. I have no anger or beef with anyone because I saw through all the bullshit kinfolk told me after I got back to Chicago. And for the record, I've always thought you were cute. That one line you threw in there about not being beautiful, please cut that shit out! That is SO not cute.

See, I was involved with some folks and it turned into bullshit. I feel like since this should be my last blogpost (and that's how things got started, thru blogging) I'd address thangs. I did. That's all I got.I'm done. Bullshit has happened before. Will probably happen again to someone else. Whatever man. Might happen to your ass when you get personal in your blogging and other people try to get into your shit. I just maintain that you keep it moving. Trust me. At least no one in my current or former circles faked death to evoke emotion from the Brown Blogosphere. If you don't know about that one... My name is Bennet... And I ain't in it. Ask around and do a little research on that one. Some of y'all old heads remember that foolishness.

I think because how my life is full these days that my regular blogging thing is finished. I really feel like there isn't much for me to give these days. Maybe I'm wrong, but my writing has gotten very unfocused and all over the place, well what I've delivered here and it might be time to do other things or do things in a different manner. I love the connections I've made through this forum, and I really don't want to leave... But I feel like Twitter is a better forum for me (even though I haven't tweeted in a minute) because you only have 140 characters to get that shit right. Control seems to work better for cats like me. That and it doesn't take up too much time.

I guess this would be the time for me to announce that I have a radio show in the works, huh? Oh, and none of that BlogTalkRadio stuff... I'm talking about syndicated stuff (because money from commercial sales and affiliate marketing is real nice) that'll make me visible. I don't like the concept, but I signed on last year to an idea that is finally launching in the next quarter. Obligations.

Writing and speaking commentary are two different things, huh?

I am so shameless.

But know that what I really want to do is have more time. Time to continue travelling. Time to raise babies into adults. Time to deal with life. I gotta take care of my parents now like they have me. I have to deal with siblings like adults, very unlike freeze-tag and fake wrestling. I gotta' deal with my wife, invest more time into my equitable partnership (and let her mother know that she can only be a spectator and not a player). I have to care for the sick, fallen and the ill. I have to attend more of my classmate's funerals (one last week, another next). I have to complete my Holistic Health Practitioner designation so I can better understand how to unfat and decholesterolize (I'm making words UP in here) my family and friends as well as myself.

As much as life drags me down and burns my ASS.... I wanna' live.

And that may require less blogging and more doing... Other stuff.

I think I'm done.

I think.



Anonymous said...

Sad. just want you to know that yours was the first blog I encountered, searching for I don't remember what now on Google.
The entry I came upon was the one about your fathers ailing health and being in the health profesion it immediately caught my attention, even though to this day I still do not know what he actually had, I would tune in every day to see if you mentioned it, but you never did again, of course by then I was hooked on blogs and blogging! So I thank you. I feel that our actions, small or large, have ripple effects that reach out in the universe and the world and touch others. As you did mine.
Good luck in your endeavors hopefully you'll still write some and keep in touch here. But as you well say, there is a time for everything and only you can know what is necessary in your life. As I said, sad..I wish you Godspeed, and health for you and yours...Later....

Al Bundy said...

goodbye, it's good to disconnect for a hibernation now and then

eve said...

Coming out of lurkdom to say, "Thank you, Brown Blogger" for real talk, yours words were like lightning rods to my conscience and I truly appreciated them.

Good luck on your new endeavors as you enter a new chapter of life.


Big Mark 243 said...

Still would like to try and 'meet' you when I come up that way for my sister's wedding...

Not wanting to hijack what may be your last entry, I want to thank you for being out here. For whatever reason, I haven't connected with too many black people on line, particularly through blogging. So I always appreciated that you were out here and 'keeping it real, for real'.

I don't have interaction between my 'analog' and 'digital' worlds. Facebook DID allow for my SFC to find me, but I opened that account to force my younger Sisters to maintain contact. Everybody is going everywhere and I kept hearing whisper that (or from) my Mother, that them being apart, wasn't cool.

The Twitter account is open so I can say I have one of those. I mainly journal and I do that because at the time I started, I had no computer of my own, and thoughts were pouring out of me. Since me and writing with pen and paper only get along so much, I put my journal on line. Who was going to read it and what would it matter to them?

Somehow, people started to pay me some notice and there you go. But I never have had to go out and 'live' among the characters who inhabit BOTH worlds. Maybe you do and are finding that it blurs the line, with emotions getting high, and it isn't worth the hassle.

Perhaps I can dig it. Again, the few folks (including Nebraska, which is another story in and of itself) who I have met, aren't in my day to day. So I can't say something that someone would find objectionable, which would alter perceptions, or relationships.

Since you do, I guess it is time to sign off. Besides, there is entirely TOO MUCH life out there to be lived and appreciated to worry about the internet spilling out into the 'real world'.

It has been great reading and occasionally hearing from you. I remember when I was a punk kid and thinking that all of Reagan wasn't bad and it was normal to not only cross 8 mile road, but to go deep into the 'mile roads'. Places like Clarkston and Utica were already known to me. It has only been in the last ten or so years that I think Detroiters have realized there is more to the Metro than the decay they see everyday.

But getting back, I guess I enjoyed hearing from a brother who served in the military, works and loves his woman and is struggling with improving his world without the looking for the usual panacea's for an handout. Or claiming that they are a victim of society, yet understanding that society is going to work the way that it works.

Maybe it is just time for you to pull the energy expanded out here to 'in there', wherever you are. With you wife and your loved ones and friends. Tangible people and tangible concepts.

Again, take care.

LadyLee said...

Well I hope this ain't the end... Your soapbox is something to view. But life comes first. I understand that. Strategize, optimize... that's what you be telling me.

What don't kill us makes us stronger. Get stronger, bruh. And I'm praying for you through your trials.

JStar said...

Take time to enjoy whats most important...I hope that you come and check on us from time to time, and now I feel bad I didnt post my poem on your last day blogging, check back this evening...I wish you nothing but the best...And about the "blogging drama" that shi aint cool...I mean come on now...this is the internet people...Why do people put it out there on here...I mean if you got a problem with someone, why not go to them on a personal note...And not put it out there for others to read when its not their biz...I dont twitter, but I am on FB... :( Gonna miss your words...I hope you reconsider when the fire settles...

chele said...

You'll be missed.

Anonymous said...

I know this is selfish but I do not want you to leave.

In the time I have grown reading your blog and chatting with you on Facebook you have become the person I have admired from afar. Though not perfect, you seem to be the type of man that young cats my age should aspire to be.

So go and get your mind right and your heart healthy. But come back. The world needs to hear your voice. Even if its only on this blog.

Blah Blah Blah said...

I am going to hold on to those last two words and not think about you being gone. Because Hassan, I don't have twitter and since you cut out on FB...well...You'd be missing in my life...and that's not cool at all. Just sayin'.

We've been blogging for the same amount of time (altho I have yet to blog twenty10)...and we've traversed the same blogging neighborhoods and dealt with some of the same homies. And altho we've not feels like we've hung out on the same 'round the way corners like we've been old friends from back in the day. It's odd how I am getting all choked up even's like Nik last year and then you this year (on a diff level of course but...gone all the same), I don't like it, at all.
BUT...thanks to 2 weeks ago...I have something I didn't at least now...a random "just checkin' in and being nosey" can still give me a little of what I read here and FB.

So once again, I am holding on to the 2 words...

"I think"

Sending up prayers for blessings to rain down on you, your wife and your family. I am excited that you are loving life.

Ladynay said...

Maybe see you later...

Good luck in all you do.