Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Monday, February 04, 2013

Not Bad Meaning Bad, But Bad Meaning Good... I Think

I know that I'll never return to normal

But I'd like to try and do all things within my power and limitations to obtain as much normal as I can stand before my days are done.

I had a very good weekend.

Let me say that again that I had a damn good weekend. First time in a long time I felt that good and that comfortable with and around others.

It wasn't good because I hung out all hours of the night smiling, cheesing hard and laughing, lost in conversations about issues that mattered and stuff that didn't on one day...

It wasn't because the next night I was again hanging ten, breaking bread with people of like mind and similar passion, chatting the night away to the point where I never noticed any of Ray Lewis' seven tackles and one sack...

Nothing mattered about anything this weekend, and that made it fascinatingly good. I spent a weekend doing normal stuff, well normal in my mind. All of this was based off of a chance encounter, scant conversation and a keen eye for pegging my ass, one person made absolutely sure that the weekend for me would be one of comfort and enjoyment specifically without me being treating me like I belonged on the little yellow bus or in a medical isolation unit.

And she didn't want anything or demand high praise, recognition or a validated, notarized receipt of her doings from me in return.

That in itself put an extra special touch to my weekend because I learned from recent experiences not to open up to or trust anyone. I can never open myself to trust any one ever again. My life is too precious and short for me to let folk think that the things that they do doesn't affect me.

People are so self encapsulated, mired in their own steaming pile of emotional shit and fuckery that when someone like me cones around all socially open and naturally trusting, they end up continuously rejecting the love and trust that they hear songs about, read and write poetry about... The things that makes then veklempt viewing a romantic movie... They begin to callous and harden the very people or persons trying to get them to open by bringing them love.

And that causes hate and disdain.

I'm not going to lie. From what I've had to go through the last couple of years, the hate, contempt and disdain has built to the point where I can no longer be the socially open person with measures of trust in my heart and tons of patience. Just when I think it has run out and me being used up and discarded by folk that have no clue their cosmic footprint and I want to destroy the world...

Someone comes along and shows me different.

But I can no longer trust any fucking body. What do I do?

I almost feel sorry for this young woman. She has so much promise. She has no idea that I've broken myself in efforts to try to mend things with already broken people.

The future  has not been promised. I want to obtain normality again. If I can't obtain it, I want to get close... As close as I can. I really enjoyed my weekend. I want more, but I know eventually, a demand will be placed upon me not very different from the others. The others have selfishly raided me of all of my compassion and trust by serving themselves and demanding that I hold their baggage with no reciprocation of what I gave.

What makes the weekend with this person whom I felt comfort with (like the others initially) any exception?

And yes... I know this is a fucked up spin. Hanging out with and emotionally fronting for fucked up motherfuckers will fuck you up in return.


Big Mark 243 said...

First off, I am glad you had a great weekend. That is something that everyone needs, a weekend that is good and fabulous, spent in good company, without anyone being overly concerned about all the stuff that doesn't matter... have met someone..? GOOD!!

Don't through doubts and concern into the mix... at least not too much... see, you gots the skills and abilities to handle yourself and take this from me... if the "new what's happenin'" is worthy of YOU, then you will continue to grow and get to the extension of your abilities... and once there, you prolly will surprise others and yourself... short, if she is feelin' you and you are right about her feelin' you, GIVE HER A CHANCE..!

(drops mike, exits stage left)

Ladynay said...

YAY! Period :)