Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Thursday, January 12, 2006

broken beyond repair

I made the biggest mistake in my life.

Indecision has me reeling in bad feelings.

I had originally wished that I could fix what I had broken, but all indications are that I must now walk alone instead of having a hand to grab.

I made a mess out of Christmas and New Years, and now I must pay.

I purchased a gift for her when she initially told me not to. To be honest, she didn't want the gift I was buying - she called it "too much, too soon". I am deaf to those that say that some things are not worth having. I fall head first into me just doing things for the friendship or romantic significance, although I needed to tread the line with the purchase of this gift. It is expensive but practical, and after an incident that made this gift necessary for me to give, I thought that I could best serve multiple purposes:

Replacing a needed toy.
Giving a Christmas gift.
Being spontaneous.
Feeling good that she has something from me that she needs.

I didn't mean for the gift to be taken as prelude to my feelings. Although I was falling in love with this sister, I wanted the gift to be looked as a practical item. Wasn't the case. I got the sideways RCA Victor dog look and a question about the intent of my gift a few days after I revealed exactly what is was, cause I didn't want anyone else to buy it and I needed her to put that out in the universe so all knew.

I'm sure you've read that I had problems ordering the thing because of it's popularity. I'm also sure you know that I finally got the thing last week. I'm also sure you know that I still have the thing, and today is her birthday.

I caught hell from a few family members and a couple of friends when I told them that I planned on giving the gift, even though there was a decision to move in another direction between her and I. I am officially heartbroken right now. I opened myself up to someone that also opened up and we shared a lot. We spent a little time, although I wish there was more time that could have been spent. I feel like because we didn't get together in the flesh like we should have I was seen as 'less than advertised'.

I lost my job in us getting close, and I think that had a lot to do with me being seen as a non provider. The past hustle, a little AFLAC and a whole lot of cashing in my savings helped me get thru. Someone said that you should have at least 6 months of savings saved up in case of layoffs, firings or feeling froggy and walking off your job. I had a little more than 6, a few credit cards and some knuckleheads and business folk that owed me money. I was forthcoming about my finances, I was cashing in my 401k in December and I lost a lot, and the money came in spurts. I was interviewing and not finding comfort or stability to my standards, so I turned a few jobs down. That probably looked arrogant and irresponsible to the sister and I knew this, but I kept on pushing.

I started working on my business plan to start a business and that fed my ego and hunger to remain independent. I realized that the non profit I wanted to get off the ground could replace my corporate gig, so I dove in head first. I think she was digging that, but I also think that she still wanted me to represent correctly and get a straight job. Thanksgiving came and I was not speaking to my family. It had lasted damn near 6 months and she took a bold step and invited me to her family gathering. I no-showed. I fell into a depressed haze and took my frustrations out on some furniture. I had never been in that place before. I got a few voicemail messages wishing that I dropped dead so I could never ruin a family thanksgiving again. I didn't know that certain people had that much contempt for me. I felt angry and suicidal for the first time in my life and I knew that I could not be around people. I wanted to be with my family, and I could not. I kept my depression and anger at home. That hurt her.

She called me, we talked and I think the weeks after turkey day mended things. I got a chance to spend more time with her and her family and I was in love with the love they had for each other. I think my situations and feelings towards certain things and family turned her off. We went out on Christmas eve and I knew the vibe had changed. We did not spend Christmas together. New Years either. A few days into January I got my walking papers, and I was devastated. I think there was a little too much going on in my life for her and I understand that. To note, I did get back with my family the week of Christmas. I mended fences, spent time and found the missing link to that feeling one gets during the holiday season. I did not get a chance to share that with her.

The phone calls stopped.
Instant messaging was far and few.
I have every text message she ever sent. I even bought a new phone so I could keep the texts intact until I found a way to download them.

She asked me about the gift a few days ago, and I told her I was stalling, I knew that our exchange would probably be our last and I didn't want that. To further the damn situation, I had people begging me not to give her this gift and I got their reasons why in the worst manner. I couldn't get them out of my ear. It became problematic. I want to give this gift to her no matter what has been done and said because I am a man of my word. Nuff said.

But I still love her.
Giving it to her now shows ulterior motive.
Stalling shows weakness.
I don't know what to do or say.

And today is her birthday.

This is so unrepairable.


Ms_SoCal said...

Me again ... STOP thinking about everyone else and just do it. Give it to her, she needs it she will take it. If she doesn't then get your money back, whatever happens you seem to have an understanding that the relationship is over. Give it to her because you love her, don't call her because you still love her. Whatever just do the right thing! The thing that is right for you. And heck for her, u love her then why shouldn't she have a gift that she NEEDS, if she really needs it?

NeenaLove said...

i agree with lynn on this... put that love out there for her... no matter what anybody says. this is ALL about you.

stop being so hard on yourself. forgive yourself and move on. chalk it up as another lesson learned. that's all we really can do, right?

i'm dying to know... what's the gift?

Anonymous said...

You made no mistake as long as you have learned from this experience.

Bill said...

My first time in here, this was the post I read... you wrote about what was going on with you emotionally in a more open and honest way than most anyone I read.

Well done!

As for the situation, I see by the most recent post, she's vanished... unfortunate, but, it's entirely possible it was your emotional availability that scared her. Not everyone is capable of an intensely emotional (even in a good way) relationship.

Forgive yourself, you were just being yourself, better to find out now that she couldn't handle it.

As everyone else said, lesson learned, no mistake, just life.