Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Monday, February 13, 2006

The realest shit I ever wrote...

I really wanted February to be the month that I revealed myself to the world, I even came up with a cute title and had drafted some consructs so you, my extended blog family could get to know a little bit more about the flawed man that is Hassan and learn of my transgressions. In the past week, some terrible things have happened forcing me to put my time and efforts into someone and somethings other than my job, my art and myself. I know that this is a long post, but bear with me and give me a read today. I don't really know if You read my blog, but if you do stop by, I now understand how I became complicated and I vow to never violate your space or take up your time. Lessons are leard when bad things happen, I just wish I could have learned another way.

This is probably the only time in my life where I have taken off of my square. I have no intent on displaying niceties, and it took me a week to get to the point where I could post, so excuse the profanities as I'm stil trying to deal.

My week started good after the Super Bowl, I zombied my ass thru Monday and thought to have another week at my boring, but nicely compensated job. I wish this was true. What I witnessed is some shit out of tall taleville, but it happened. I am still trying very hard to not question God why things like this happen whenever I'm around.

Tuesday morning around 1am I got a phone call. Being so near and dear to my heart, I was not surprised to hear her in tears and needing my help. This was not the first time, but it was getting worse. She just got home from work and checked her voicemail and her ex left the ultimate threatening message. He had left messages before and on January 27, slipped a note under her door telling her that he had a key to her place and to get protection or else. That day we went to the police station to file a report. I witnessed how the desk seargent (who was female) just put her fears off as nothing. She even asked if we wrote the letter.


He had left voicemails before, sent her email and even attempted to get into her building so he could "talk". She called the police 4 times in January, and by the time they would get there, of course he was long gone. The broke up last year. He actually went to her place the night that happened and told her that his new woman could do everything better than she could, even told her that he had sex with the other woman in her bed and chilled at her spot while she was gone to work. It devestated her, no doubt, but she was glad he was gone. He lost his job sometime in 2005 and since that time became verbally abusive at first and then he started putting his hands on her. She was fighting him back, but why? Relationships were not supposed to be that way.

The night we went to the police station, they told her to file a restraining order because repeating this process was for not. If he came by or called again they had enough to at least arrest him for violating the order of protection and charge him with assault and battery for the other reports/charges filed. We discussed her going downtown to do this, but she never did. She put her work schedule in front of getting this done, even though she works 3rd shift and graveyard some nights. I knew this and I was disgusted that she calls me at 1am, so I snapped off on her. I told her that she could have had a warrant out on dude if she would have just gone down there and filed. I asked her when did she plan on filing and she had no answer. Once again, going to work and running errands was much more important than getting the proper paperwork filed when you got and ex that's pretty much stalking and threatening you.

I told her.

"Right now, you are giving him license to continue harrassing you. If you do not find ways to protect yourself physically and legally, he will try to kill you."

She wanted to believe me, but at one time she was in love with him. A few weeks ago she started looking for apartments in an attempt to start fresh and rebuild anew. They had fought before and spent a year apart, but she wanted to give him a second chance, and this is what that second chance turned into. She was telling me that he sounded different on this call, and that she was now scared. He had left voicemail messages in the past week first asking, then demanding that she check her family's house to see if his W2's came over there. I guess he used an address or something to that effect in the past. She agreed that Tuesday she would take her free time and go to the State's Attorney's courthouse and file the order of protection. I know I came on strong but I had to know if she was really going to file the report, or if she was just saying this to get me off of her back. I can come on very strong, and I know she called me for comfort and reassurance, but I had enough of this shit already. The back and forth was for teenagers.

Later last Tuesday morning I felt fine, I meditated, took my cold pressed fish oils and got a good yoga session on. I did cardio, showered for damn near 45 minutes and had a chocolate whey joint with glutamine and taurine as well as a shot of psylluim husk. I felt good. I was on my way to work and weaved thru traffic when my phone rang.

"He was just here... He tried to kick in my front door to get in and I called the police. I wasn't going to call you but my best friend told me to. You shouldn't be involved, but I'm scared"

"How long ago was this?"

"About 10 minutes ago. The police are on their way, but I'm still scared"

"I understand."

I told her to put her earpiece in and keep me on the phone as I heard the police knocking on her door and identifying themselves on the other side of the door. I heard everything clearly. To be short, I heard them look around and take basic info, and then I was insulted when they told her:

"Well, it doesn't look like any attempt of forced entry occured here. Miss, when you have an emergency, that's when you call us."

Now I was scared. Each time she called the police, he was at the building entrance, this time he found a way to get into her complex and get to her front door. Each time she called the police, he would disappear into the maze of apartment buildings and homes on the south side.

I told her I was on my way.

I entered my job and all of my bosses are women. They were all congregated in the VP's office and I walked in and told them the situation and that I was going to take her to get the restraining order. I had no problem taking time from work. At least they understood. I got to her house from the burbs in less than 30 minutes. I drove around the block and then parked down the street from her building. I observed the area and everything seemed all clear. I got to her building and found that the entry door was either kicked in or disabled, I was able to get to her front door by entering the 2 doors that was supposed to make the halls and apartments inaccessible to non residents. She was already dressed and I must've been up there all of 15 minutes. She gathered her things and I drove her to the State's Attorney's office and courthouse downtown. We were there all day. What I experienced there well be in another post. We discussed protection, papper spray which I suggested and she already bought and her finding a new apartment. I pledged to check in and make sure things were okay as my schedule permitted. She pledged to become more aware finally sounded like she was fed up and wanted this shit to stop. After witnessing and hearing horrible acts perpetrated on women and seeing the after effects of domestic bullshit, she was convinced that enough was enough with her ex.

We were in the car on the way back to her place when her phone rang. It was her best friend. They had spoken earlier and she convinced her to call me when no other, even the police was willing to help.

Her apartment had a fire.

When we got to her complex, there were fire trucks, investigator's vehicles and police. There were also 2 Red Cross disaster relief vehicles and people standing around either crying, staring or shouting. Her apartment on the third floor was gone. The top half of the building had that charred effect when the flames of a fire comes outside thru the windows. I took pictures after the fact. She allowed me to:

The whole building was lost. All of the residents were outside of the building. Her property management was there with a boarding company already boarding up the windows. The fire department was finished. They knew who we were when we pulled up. We were told that her apartment and the one across the hall were completely charred and that the roof was gone. I asked if we could go up and was told no. After pleading with a Red Cross official, we were allowed along with property management to go up. The entire hallway was black, there was no power and the water used to put out the flames was already ice. I had to revert back to the heartless bastard Army asshole that would tag bodies, burn shit from porta-potties in the middle of the desert and take pictures of the devestation my unit did in the gulf in order to process what I saw and to keep her in line. She had wanted to cry and fall out, but I would not allow it. I made her come with us to see because we knew how this fire started if no one else did. She needed to know what he is capable of doing because until that point, I believe in my heart that she thought he was just trying to get back with her and she thought he was just a little love crazy. All of the abusive shit was an expression... bullshit!

I saw the storage dresser that had her paperwork in it and I asked her... she was standing in her living room, frozen and about to cry, I was about to snap of on her ass and yelled at her to snap out of that trance shit and tell me if that was the dresser that had all of her important paperwork, she confirmed, and I grabbed the top drawer. No damage to the dresser but the rest of the apartment was burnt to a crisp. What was her couch was a scruched up wiry metal frame, it was dark and burnt shit was everyehere, but I remembered what the apartment looked like from that morning. My heart sank, but I had no time for emotion. I grabbed the drawer and made my way downstairs. We had to stay to talk to the investigator and the Red Cross. The gave her a debit card with a few hundred dollars on it and that was pretty much it.

I took her over to my mother's house and the family comforted her. We went shopping with that card to get her some basic needs. She was told by the fire investigator to call her housephone number and check her voicemail. He called her about the time the fire started from a cellphone and admitted starting the fire, calling it revenge. He also described me, the make and model of my car and my plate number and mentioned that he watched us this morning and since I helped file charges, he was now after me too. He wished all of us well, and told us that he "hoped we enjoyed the fireplace."He also said that he wasn't finished.

The next two voicemail messages proved that he used the phone from her apartment. The other woman called and asked her to tell him to call her to let her know if he was going to stay with her now, or if he was coming back 'home'. His mother called not even 5 minutes later and asked her to call back, it was an urgent matter. I listened to all of the messages. We now know as of today what really happened and where this coward of a human being is right now. I really want him to try to come after me. At this point, even though I have nothing to do with their situation, he brought me in by mentioning me. I went through a process last week where I wanted to kill him.

I really did.

I was not always this sensitive, poetry writing ass brother. I evolved into who I am today because I did not want to live and die on those streets. Just a few months ago I gave serious thought to taking my own life. I encountered a woman and her family and I loved what I saw, and at the same time hated what I had because what they had was so beautiful. I hated myself and the fact that I fought so hard to have happiness and it came so easy to her and others and not me. I listened to that voicemail message again and heard this man describe me and the car I just got, plates still fresh. He was across the street or hiding out somewhere close, watching. He gave no thought to the other occupants of that complex, or to himself by admitting his crimes.

So why should I give thought to seeing him live and enjoy the freedoms we work so hard to enjoy? Why should this woman have to live in fear that he will continue to stalk her? She lost everything but the clothes on her back and the paperwork we saved and what she took with her. The woman he was seeing drove him to Milwaukee sometime on Wednsday. In a sense, I wish he was still here in Chicago. I need a reason. In that moment I heard the voicemail with that satisfaction in his voice I found an new reason to live. I know that everything I have gone through to this point was bullshit compared to what this sister had and has to encounter. I still feel the urge to take this man's life. The police have to catch him before I do. I don't want to do this, I was told that I do not have jurisdiction over another person's life, but last Tuesday he thought he did.

All of the residents mad it out of the building fine and unhurt, but now there is no place to go for most of them. Some are now homeless. Thanks to our families, mine and her's she is not.

This ain't over, by any means.


unsaid said...

goodness...i linked to your blog from t. cassanova's. this story, your story are too real for me to imagine. it's the kind of stuff you hear about but don't believe it actually happens. i'm sorry that it actually happened to your friend and now you as well. don't do anything you will regret is all i can say. let him be what he is, don't be the same.

Anonymous said...

Yea, I'm still in shock and awe......
Man, keep us updated!!!

BrownSugga said...

I'm very apologetic for what your friend is enduring at this moment. But u still need 2 remain strong 4 her. If u get u're self in some kind of trouble she will feel responsible. Stay level heade and pray . U know karma is a mutha... if u need anything u know how 2 contact me.

Anonymous said...

Hay Hassan u gots to keep us informed...thats some stuff right there

Anonymous said...

all i can say is wow! the both of yall stay safe.

Chubby Chocolate said...

I'm not even going to begin telling you what you most likely don't want to hear. Just keep a clear head.

Didi Roby said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Didi Roby said...

Your title ain't lying papa!!!!

Gotta read that ish again!:)

Just reading don't mind me:)

So...Wise...Sista said...

Wow, I feel like I stumbled upon a grown folks convo, one I shouldn't be hearing bec I dont know you...which is actually why I am so glad I came across it. Your realness, on this public level will not go unnoticed. It's remarkable. And I hope that sharing also gives you strength. Stay up.

NameLiar said...

Whoa man...Whoa!

The Brown Blogger said...

Unsaid: Thanks for stopping by. A minute ago I was all caught up in self, writhing around thinking I loved someone when I never recieved any love in return, and my old ass should have known that I got played. That's why I feel the Creator put me in the situation I posted about to teach me and let me have the experience... Thanks for stopping by.

Insane: You saw it for yourself... You get the first hand news all the time anyway... I'm sure we will break bread over this for quite some time. Thanks for coming and breaking bread Sunday. That was all to the good.

Bubblin Brown: You know I got a piece for this for Thursday night, right? Thanks, I see you got some drama to share with me as well. Hold on sista, let work be work... We gon make it, Fo Sho.

Yaz: I got more... I just have to channel it positively. Give me a little time to digest, then share. My life has changed because of it.

Aquaboogie: All I can say is after all I've been thru to change and make it off the south side of Chicago unscathed to the quiet ass burbs and then back to the $$$ part of the Chi, I thought I shed the part of me that could destroy my bubbling lil' career, family, friends and everything that comes with living somewhat well (i.e. drama and crime free). This man has brought out the angry inner nigga that used to control me and wreck things. I await his next mistake, and that would be fucking with me and mine.

Chubbs: I already know. Still won't stop me from defending mine. Key word 'defending'. I will not chase him, he will have to come to me, and I expect him to, not that smart.

Dee Dee: It's true. I wish I made it all up. I'd feel better and things would be so different. I feel like I'm supposed to be involved in a gang of mess all the damn time. I thought it would make me fragile, but I'm getting harder because of it, but I haven't lost my spirit. Still not good for a single cat, never married with no kids. I no longer know if I can flinch, so much shit has been thrown my way. Nowadays, I calmly step to one side and grab a handy wipe I'm so used to it.

SWS: It does help to make some things public. I learned that other peoples problems can trump your own bullshit. I never had real problems. I was spoiled and I just wanted things my way. Case in point, since you just stumbled by, check out my bullshit posts from January when I thought I was in love. I was in love with concept and theory and not a true person. This woman I refer to in this post was in love, and her ex attempted to kill her loving nature by destroying himself. He needed someone else to go down with him because he is a coward. I experiences something similar in the recent past. It happens whan someone does not love you and take advantage to help self. Thru learning this, the Creator has shown me the bullshittiest nature of some folks and helped me dig into the genuine-ness of self. By doing that, I can see those just like me and we can relate.

I hope you can see. If not, someone can lose their soul, which is worse than physical death. Makes them the walking dead.

Name: Whoa indeed. I'm kind of glad you didn't have to hear or see me during ths time. I am definately someone else. I wish I could explain...

brooklyn babe said...

Wow I haven't been here in a minute, no have a read anything so long, and sooo shocking.
And real.
I can't even give you a PSA type
Cause I feel you... I feel right where you are, and I (kind of) understand your mode....
....that's one insercure dude...

He masking in by all the actions, but underneath, straight insecurity...not to mention a real asshole.
Pardon my English.
That's so jacked up. Dang.

Ms_SoCal said...

I am so out done. I am not a sensitive person however, I am in tears. I can't believe. Thank God for the admit that will at least help when he is found. And he will be found.
You however continue to be the friend that you are and please please stay out of trouble. You have more than enough reasons to be angry but continue to write dont't touch that man. Let God handle that. Ezekiel 25:17!