Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Change Of Heart

This time last year, I wasn't exactly alone. I was enjoying the fact that I was dating a few women and my ish was kind of trump tight. There were 3 beautiful, intelligent and spiritual sisters that made time for me as I made time for them. There was room for activity and time for seriousness in the conversations we had and the discussion of possibilities. But there was one sister that came in and broke all of that up. Her method of first contact was unusual.

She IMed me.

Now I must say that there was another sister that I vibed with on the regular and we were working the IM and phone thang but she was a few hundred miles away and she had her own funk going on out there. But I was damn attracted to her spirit. Still am. Eff the other stuff, I was impressed with how she did her thing. She astounded me on how the abnormal was handled and how she made sense out of the un-ordinary. I never met anyone like this. Just standing in the face of adversity, corporate America and family disfunction and keeping that bullshit at bay with her chair and whip like a lion tamer center ring at the circus is a grand thing to see. I wanted to marry her right then and there. We could have worked out everything else as time went on.

But the sister who IMed out of the blue took a chance. To my knowledge, she read my blog and peeped the few pix I had on my flickr joint at the time, so she had visual confirmation on things. She knew what my thoughts were an a lot of issues and believed we had something in common. She reached out to me and made the first move, and that was the first time something like that happened to me, so I responded. She did research, and that impressed me initially.

Months of IMing, phone calls and infoshare went on. We dated. I had forsaken the bowling nighs, movie dates and neglected hanging out at the poetry spots with my serial daters to vibe with this sister. I had nine years on her but when telling my homeskillet, mental doppleganger, ace boom coon and equally fabulous vodka drinking best friend of 17 years Buddha (who introduced me to a woman I spent over a decade with) she said what Nsane Lee Sane said:

Slide. (remember that in Fight Club?)
But don't forget who was there for you before.

So I slid, ended up meeting the family. Shared my emotional breakdown with the sister on Thanksgiving day and was even an eyewitness to her crossing an educational threshold that only a few of us actually see or are capable of ourselves. But things weren't well. I felt her confidence and faith slide in me, but she didn't initially tell a brother that I had fallen out of favor. I was going thru the transition of being independent of family due to conflict and general growth and I had shed a ton of hangers on as friends in the past few years to the point that I functioned mostly alone, and that wasn't cool with her. Some of y'all was reading my blog back then and I was miserable in trying to find where I needed to be and that affected her somewhat.

But one person stuck with me during all the turmoil. I shed my casual dating situations with those other sisters and were no longer in contact with em. Easy come, easy go - BUT, I poured my emotions into IM and phone conversations with the one sister I should not have ignored. She guided me thru breaking free of all of the bullshit that came with this new sister's attempts to cut me loose when she found out that I was not what she expected. She knew that my attempt at a relationship with this new sister was a decision of convenience because she was closer geographically and my choice was also made clearer when I found that the situation she was having over there was a little more cloudy that I originally thought.

Follow me?

So I started 2006 jaded and with no one to come see me do my thing at the poetry spots. I was kind of ended up seeing someone that got thrusted upon me and we ended up sharing space quicker than I thought because her ex...
Never mind. Longer story there.

Homegirl was still there. But I still couldn't get at her. Still can't, so I decided to get on the road and do my thing in the trucking industry to get my mind off of the obvious. It's working, somewhat. Becoming an independent contractor in trucking is a very lucrative thing. I thought that maybe I could get away from the norm and detatch from corporate America by getting on the road and working for self. And plus, I managed to do a few open mic nights and book a show or two for myself while I was out there. Things went well, I leased a truck and sold a handful of CDs and then I realized...

I'm doing this all of this alone.
I'm almost 40 and have no kids.
This trucking thing is very solitary.
The average cat with a truck has a home to go to.

And a family.
That's something that I don't have

I figured with me being in Chicago for a minute that I should consider buying a home, but maybe not here. With the new opportunities emerging as well as me getting back on the road after I finish the album and book of poetry I'm working on, I know that I must share all of this chocolatey goodness with someone.

SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!! SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!! (drops mic, exits stage left)

The climb ain't nothin without a partner... And a rope.

So it's time for me to admit something:
I am ready to be in a committed, monogamous relationship.
I want to have children.
I want that sister to be there as I build my new career.
That's important.
I want to put my queen on a pedestal and build for her and my future family.

It's time to settle down, y'all.

I did the unthinkable yesterday. I joined an online dating service. I'm not kidding. I uploaded a few pix, hooked my bio and even took a personality profile to help filter thru so-called 'bad match-ups'. I plan on actually fielding a few responses and going out on a few dates using this service. I even plan on blogging about a few experiences and hitting y'all up about some of the things going on with that whole jumpoff. I even got a few hits already...

I'm humbled and impressed.

I'm not thinking that this is the end all - be all as far as putting myself in a situation that might get me hitched. I just know that I've closed myself from the concept of marriage and having a family since about 2000 when I broke off the longest relationship I've been in. I didn't think that I could trust anyone and I did get in a relationship with a woman I thought would want to have my children, until she cheated on me and got pregnant with another man's child, then aborted it.

I was pretty much done right there.

The sister that came thru and IMed her way into my heart, even though we didn't make it 6 months showed me something. She was definitely worthy to be loved unconditionally. Straight up marriage material. The sister I befriended and that stuck with me thru all the bullshit deserves that much more and then some. We used to trade battle scars and flaws in conversation and even though there has been some devastating things that has happened to the both of us, we both came to a realization that thru bullshit and battles, scars and emotional issues that there is still a vast abundance of worth in a person.

For a moment, I thought I was too flawed to be loved.
Too old to be 'broken in' if you will.
Not worthy of being loved unconditionally.

I see now that in order for me to make this thing called life that much better I need to share my life experiences. I also need someone take over my junk empire here at the Sanford Arms.

I've been hanging out with my 2 and a half year old nephew for the past couple of days and I realized something about me as a possible candidate for the title of father...
But that's another post.I gotta concentrate on me being out on the market.

Dating and such...
I'm so scared.


The Stiltwalker said...

you never cease to amuse me with your ambitions. seriously. good luck with that online dating service...yikes.

SomeOne said...

Good luck with the dating thing. i personally don;t know how to date...for most of my teen to adult years, I've always been in one relation ship or another. now that my marriage is over, I'm not sure how to go about dating, cause hey I've never had too.

I've thought about speed dating. I'm kinda scurred of internet dating...there are soooooo many crazies out there. Knowing my luck, I would get the crazy one.

The Brown Blogger said...

@ Stilt:
I try to prove to myself that I can do whatever, even when whatever ends up being a real damn bad decision. I'm scared too, but I gotta keep shaking the tree I guess.

@ Knowone:
I'm expecting crazy. I'm also hoping to actually embark on a actual relationship this time out, and I'm not relying on the internet thingee to hand out candidates. I just want to find a new way to meet new people if that's actually possible and this is a start. I don't actually know how to date either, I just 'hang out' and vibe most of the time. Sometimes we have fun. Did that make any sense?

Deb Sistrunk Nelson said...

I smiled as I read through this entire post. But my biggest smile came at your last line.

You're dating! Enjoy it. It sounds as if you're staying focused on your other goals, too.

I loved the post. Awesome.

Naomi said...

Maybe after reading this post, I'll start dating again, too. :-) Wishing you joy.

NegroPino™ said...

jUst dont settle.....i know its get harder as u get older. im feeling what u are feeling now and im about 5-10 yrs younger than you.
Good to have you home.

Anonymous said...

Keep the spirits alive; move on. The world will move with you.

What a persistant blogging I see here. Liked that.

The Brown Blogger said...

@ deb s:
Thanks for the smiles. I cringed when I wrote it, but not all the way thru. I'll try to enjoy what I fear the most: the unknown.

@ naomi:
I lived with a woman named Joy for a few years... I'll try not to repeat that, thanks though.

@ pino:
Good to be home... Oh and that's why I'm single now. I just can't afford to wake up 5 years from now trying to find ways to give the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech.

@ shirazi:
I'm trying to make that happen in moving on. Oh, and blogging... It's like therapy. The kind I can afford.

LadyLee said...

Good post Hassan... I like the fact that you are being honest with yourself, that you are ready to settle down and take some chances.... Let us know how it goes:)

aquababie said...

blogger must hate me today!

anyway...i love that you're stepping out on faith and declaring what you want for yourself. relationships are scary business. i've gone back to some because of the comfort they bring. i don't have to stretch. i know what i have and what i like about that person.

good luck!

----- said...

Do your THING Hassan!!! :D This is my first time stopping by, but I'm sure to come back and check on your adventures in internet dating if nothing else! :D


Aly Cat 121 said...

Hey Bro, cool blog! We've all been there and done that before. Sometimes it's much easier to live our lives online than in person. I actually met my husband online, BlackVoices, back in 1998. We've been together since our first date. And he was the epitomy of "online" (couldn't live without his laptop) and the typical "loner." But the thing is, that wasn't really him. It was just something he did to keep his mind off of things that was more precious and near and dear to his heart LIKE ME. LOL.

*singin* "it's so gooooooood lovin somebody, when somebody love you back"

Anonymous said...

First time I've been back since you went through your evolution and um, that was a seriously deep post!


Nika Laqui said...

How's Chicago?

Keep it cold for me while I'm gone aiight?!!!

Dang I miss home so bad!!!

I'm booking my flight in the next 2 weeks, matter of fact, lemme go ceck the rates for Thanksgiving, I can't wait for Christmas, I need to come now, and will be back for my birthday....and then in another few months if the job allows...

Joe, I been told you she was not the one...I never liked her from day one...

But dating and serious dating at that, is some scary ass shit!

But there comes a time in all of our lives when we must be serious...I think we will all come to that point at sometime or another...

princessdominique said...

I hope you find someone who loves and appreciates you and never makes you wonder what you were thinking when you decided to get married. You're one brave brother, I like that about you...

Anonymous said...

What do you mean by "Blogging While Black...

Could you explain.

The Brown Blogger said...

@ ladylee:
Coming to terms with self... I'm working on it daily. I'm utilizing the blogfam to help get me thru a few of these dates...

@ aqua:
I can't ever go back, but I can damn sure learn from the past. I just want to be comfortable in life. This is the next step.

@ Trish:
Welcome and thanks for stopping by, i'll try to have cold, adult beverages on your next visit. Keep checking for me to see if I snagged a crazy chick or something.

@ anon/Berr:
Welcome as well... thanks for stopping by. The rabbit hole gets deeper with time, stay tuned.

@ InsaneInTheMembrane:
Okay I guess.

Aiight, hurry up tho.

I really didn't miss this place, I haven't gone anywhere or done anything except a lil poetry.

Just call, the number ain't changed, oh and no ice cream.

I heard you then, but I was sooo damn curious. Couldn't say no, so you were right.

I know. I got my whistle and a can of mase. Got the yell and the crotch move down too.

I know it's time for me. What about your crank ass?

@ princess:
I hope so too, thanks. I'm more scared than brave, but it must be done or I'd probably bore myself to death.

@ shirazi:
Google "driving while black". Same concept.

Stoяmy Dazέ said...

Hassan this is a beautiful post. I have been reading you for along time, and to be honest...What I know of you You seem to be ready.

You have finally come into you.

Best of luck to you sweety.

Gallis said...

Don't put out on the first date. She'll think you're a tramp.

Nika Laqui said...

My time will come in due time...

I got to get myself right first, ya know, then I can think about bringing someone on board....

But women like me, ain't the marrying type....


Oh yea, SPrint caught up with my crank ass....I got a lot of folks to holla at when I get this demo cut back on....

No ice cream???? huh?....over my head, like yamakas and kufees...

NeenaLove said...


it's amazing what you learn about folks. you are a true word artist.

reading your blogs makes me feel so connected to you -- and yet -- using the number of comments as a measure, i'm pretty sure that EVERYONE that reads your words feels TOTALLY connected.

when you can separate abundance and scarcity mindsets and ONLY operate in abundance -- SHE, whoever SHE is, will APPEAR.


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