Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I Know What It Is...

I am a thinking and singular black man living in America.

I am independent and function, or at least I thought I was.

I am emotionally driven. I'm supposed to be. We are the only creatures on this planet that express emotion in such a dominant form.

I am also irresponsible. Why else did I eat that pork, smoke and drink my liver down to the size of an overused piece of soap back in the day?

I am responsible for killing my own kind (military shit - unless you've taken someone else's life and got paid and rewarded for it you have no opinion of us that have in Iraq, Vietnam or other places we've been sent to 'keep us free') We are the only species that does this out of spite.

We smote.
I smite, you smite, we all smite... We smote.

My emotions govern me. It is my spiritual destiny to be here and share with you now, ya dig?

Until the other day, my self image was based on pure reason. True reason. Logic. Bullshit.

I now see me... Emotionally.

The other day I was sleeping peacefully when I came out of slumber at about 2:30 in the AM. I was dreaming lucidly and I was the young, sexier and dreaded version of Quincy, MD. I was a coroner. I was working just doing my thing when a junior cat attempted to stop me from seeing the new batch of bodies that came into the morgue. I went about my business and uncovered body number one...

It was my ex.
My first love.

Now, I wasn't mad at her being dead or shocked to see her on the slab. It was just... She was just as beautiful as she is in the flesh. That woman is drop dead gorgeous. Shit. I didn't deserve her and we had issues that we never brought up in damn near a decade and almost a half. I cannot tell you how she died because her body was intact. She looked at peace sans the normal color non dead folk have. One thing.

I could not perform the autopsy.
I could not cut her body open.
I would not.

I even moved her body to another table so I could observe her in better light. When I picked her up it 'felt' like she still had a pulse. To everyone she was without life but this woman to me was still alive. I wanted to use make up to make it look like I did my job, but I knew that her family would notice something. There is a reason bodies are embalmed, nuff said.

I woke up and my stomach hurt badly.

I need to share what happened next.

I vomited all of my stomach's contents for about 45 minutes. 12 times over the toilet. I was shocked that I had that much in me, including the dry heaves. I then sat down on the bowl and completely emptied my bowel's contents. I mean I could not stop eliminating my innards and that lasted damn near an hour. Yes, it felt and smelled out of the ordinary, and I did take a look at my stool. There was stuff that had been inside of me for quite some time. I cried, sweated, got paranoid all in a few minutes. I was hungry and my stomach quivered right after I managed to get myself off the damn toilet.

I took a shower and could not warm up. I shook, cried again and then I had one thought.

Most of my problems stem from a lack of faith in myself because I lack direction. I lack faith because I built up all of these false images of who I thought I was. If my images were false then the thoughts were too.

I am not Hassan, and that hurt me to know that I am only what I thought other things defined me as. I built myself based on images of the external, you know the material. How can I ever know my attributes, my strengths or my intuitive creative ability if I only examine my external conditions and believe only what has been told to me about who I'm supposed to be by other folk and me being a product of my environment?

I didn't know exactly who I was or what I was supposed to do because as an former girlfriend put it 'I did not understand myself'. I can't move forward until I know me and feel good about knowing me and accepting what I'm supposed to do.

I know the first thing I need to do... I gotta remove myself from this place.

I'm leaving Chicago for good this time. I do not belong here. There is no purpose emotionally and spiritually for the man called Hassan to be in this place right now or in the future. I came back and got safe in denial in who I am and slid further down the slope of not knowing or understanding myself.

Fuck that.

I know now who I am. That moment of sickness was symbolic of draining out the physical. I need to purge the mental, emotional and the spiritual and that means that I need to put new things inside of me in order to deal with those that deserve to be loved by me and that is all of y'all.

Ya dig?

23 comments:

Luke Cage said...

Do you know those cool lil jazzlike clubs, where slam poets do their thing over that purple haze in the air that seems to engulf all those who are in attendance?

When I read your posts, it's like that is the only thing missing. An open mike, a positive posture and the all out gumption to merely stand out among other great performers and just let it rip.

They are all here to see the great Hassan verbally and emotionally purge himself. So to all, sit back, relax and prepare for an evening of wine, spirited conversation and a hefty dose of mental jewels that is simply candy for the ear. Drop it playa!

DivineLavender said...

We All DONE SMOTE!

Bwwwaaaahhhhh!

Shai said...

Hassan, everytime I read your posts, you get deeper and deeper. Raw, honest and unafraid. LOVE IT!
Especially from a brotha. Not too many men would put their souls out here like that and I admire that.

I cannot wait to read your book. You gotta write a book. And I must agree with Luke, I picture a cafe with you spouting such awesome words.

Tasha said...

I read that post and I had to sit back for a minute in silence. That was so raw and powerful. I don't know how you manage to translate the goings-on in your mind into words fit for public consumption, but we're all better people for having read your words. Thank you.

deepnthought said...

WOW. Just raw and pure.

Nika Laqui said...

hassan....read my blog...
i wish i had some way to contact u so u can call me....
shoot me an email at sweet1coochbrown@yahoo.com so i can send u my phone #

Bananas said...

“I am responsible for killing my own kind...”

Do you ever wonder if we can do enough “good”, to make up for that “evil”?

Man, not a day goes by I don’t think about that.

The Brown Blogger said...

Brother Frank:

I do that on the weekends with the hopes of having it pay my mortgage. Sometimes I get all vaklempt, usually others do. It's a great sight... better feeling.


Lav:

You know what time it is... Felt like that IBS scene. Didn't blow my finger off though. I want a perm like that chior director. He had his butters whipped!


Shai:

Thank you. I'm just me, and dang, it's coming. Patience my lady.


Tasha:

It's not purging. I have to verbalize this so I can understand as well. This my journal... I thank you for sitting thru my written shitspell. Better me than you, right?


DeepNThaWater:

Nah, it was smelly and made me hungry all over again. Didn't taste like it did when it went in and it felt funny coming out, but I understood why.


Tam:
To the batphone!!!


Brother Terry:

Good question...
I don't think so Terry. I believe thigs are what they are. We have to learn to accept that for sure.

Understanding of what and why we do will come with acceptance of how things are.

Just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Anonymous said...

Hey Hassan!
This is my first time over here (followed you over from KnockoutZed). Luuv your writing style.

Stay strong through your physical and emotional purging, and your move.

Sweet KeiKei said...

wow, what i feel after reading this is beyond anything i could ever say! i just have to thank you!

Paula D. said...

Hassan....I dig! Thanks for being so honest.

the good nurse said...

deliciously honest.

Gallis said...

“Everything in the unconscious seeks outward manifestation, and the personality too desires to evolve out of its unconscious conditions and to experience itself as a whole.” - Carl Jung

And dude, get some Gravol.

Ming Houser, Realtor said...

I can dig it....

LadyLee said...

you left me speechless, son...

just when I think you can't take it any deeper, you take it there.

Anonymous said...

Yes, get out of Chicago before it eats you alive. I once loved chicago...it was my kind of town, until i discovered myself.

unsaid said...

Man I MORE than dig it. I almost couldn't read this you had me so hyped up with that yellow font paragraph. I connected. I am where you are right now. I really am. Whew! I feel you. I will gladly endure literal shit and vomit talk to hear THE TRUTH. Which is what this post was. Jee-Zus. You get it.

NeenaLove said...

i am BLOWN away.

i have a great big mountain range and a forest behind my house that you can get lost in... just to be able to find that balance and center yourself... **big smile**

that's where i go for some mental quiet and TRUE peace -- away from the rat race. listening to my God and the Universe speak to me. there's no feeling like it.

i absolutely love this post as do i ADORE your beautiful mind.

hugz,
neena

Enigma said...

Love your post. Taking time to get back in touch with you and filling yourself with what you want is what it is all about.

Anonymous said...

dang tht is a handsome profile pic of you!!! Glad you are reprogramming yaself and do what you need to do

Anonymous said...

When I read this I thought about this book I was reading about religion. It had accounts of various religious people who when they go through an experience it is violent. Look at Ezekiel, Jacob, and Muhammed as examples. This may not relate but that was the first thing I rhought when I read this entry

I have felt the same way. I just did not have the same reaction.

Didi Roby said...

WOW! AND I THOUGHT MY LAST POST WAS LONG...BUT I FEEL YOU ON SOME OF THIS HASSAN:) "MY SPIRITUAL DESTINY..." GOTCHA!

Yellow Blade said...

Chúng tôi cung cấp các dịch vụ vận chuyển gửi hàng từ nước ngoài về VN và ngược lại như Dịch vụ vận chuyển gửi hàng từ Việt Nam đi Pháp, ship hàng từ úc về việt nam, mua hàng Pháp, mua hàng Trung Quốc, Dịch vụ vận chuyển gửi hàng từ Việt Nam đi Úc... Hầu như ở mỗi nước chúng tôi đều cung cấp 2 dịch là chuyển về và chuyển đi. Có thể lấy ví dụ như ở Anh. Chúng tôi có dịch vụ gửi hàng đi Anh và mua hàng Anh. Ngoài chúng tôi còn phục vụ mua hang myvận chuyển hàng đi mỹ giá rẻ. Để biết thêm chi tiết hãy liên hệ với chúng tôi nhé.