Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Monday, April 30, 2007

I'm Being Lied To

It's one thing to be told something in an attempt to protect you from yourself. You know, things said to you so your feelings won't get hurt. Having a handful of inconvenient truths. Best to be knee deep and happy in ones ignorance sometimes, right? There is another thing to be straight lied to. There is also the truth as well. Most of the time, the truth works for me, but sometimes you have to balance them both in order to function properly.

But what happens when you're not functioning at optimal performance?

I must confess, I am not at my best right now. I've tried to put myself into developing BrownBloggers to take my mind away from dealing with me getting back on track health wise and also with my finances. It's not helping, but I keep pushing on. For the first time in my life I'm suffering from pre-hypertension, and that's with my blood sugars being under control. Usually with uncontrolled diabetes one can really get in a bind with blood pressure. My blood sugars are in control and on point (no ketones either), but I guess with me coming off of a major injury and going thru rehab for it and making yet another career change (based on that injury) as well as relocating cross-country to where I only know a few people, that can take a toll.

I also lost contact with a handful of people that I used to rock out with before coming to Texas. That sucks monkey ass. Let's just say I gave up being with family and friends to be here and maybe I should have though long and hard before making a decision to relocate. I mean I have a support system here, but I read people well and already know that hands are on the rug, waiting to give it a nice tug if you know what I mean.

I also have recently come to terms with myself. Here are some of my truths:

  • I realize that I stay up all night because there's not enough alcohol and pain relievers to stop my joints from aching while I lay still so I try to keep moving around doing stuff. It keeps me busy enough to not deal with the pain most times
  • I know that I bury myself in busywork to take my mind off of the fact that I'm not where I want to be in life so I keep trying to do the things to get me there even if it means sacrificing those moments in which I should stop and smell roses and stuff. If I focus on anything else other than being free I'd probably self destruct
  • I know why I haven't spoken to my mother since August. We don't like each other and have expressed that in person over the years. Our feelings haven't changed and probably won't anytime soon so I respect her enough to keep my distance and not rattle my sibs. I do speak with them from time to time and right now they have no issue with us
  • I have accepted that I was molested as a child and I watched the adults around me and the church cover it up to protect the person that did it instead of protecting me and the other kids. On one hand (in a sick, disgusting way) I understand why that was done. The other knows that not protecting your children is the most unforgivable thing. Churches yield money and power for the ones that benefit from administering it. Selfish bastards chose that path instead of family. It has definitely affected how I think of trust and relationships as an adult and how sex comes into play. It doesn't.
  • I remember drinking at least a half gallon of liquor every other day overseas while in the Army in an attempt to cope with depression and anger. I replaced that with food when I got home and now 15 years after the military I've replace those things with writing and composing as a form of control. Thing is, I've had extreme writer's block since December and that piece below is the first thing I wrote since
  • I'm losing a battle (not the war) with diabetes and the next 36-plus years are going to be damned difficult to say the least. My leg circulation is poor and it's starting to make regular things like walking and standing difficult sometimes. I'm doing what I can to make myself comfortable but most of the time the comfort aspect is a short lived thing. No one outside of this disease can understand the amount of discomfort and pain a diabetic person goes thru even when sugars are controlled. No one.
  • I never feel like I have anything to give to anyone emotionally. A close friend always tells me "Know that you are loved". I don't think I know exactly what that feels like because it's been so foreign to me. I've always been an object to people. As a kid I was the golden goose, just smart enough to get my family out of the ghetto. As an adult I am supposedly a human quote machine, capable of composing song and/or verse for the bewilderment and amusement of others. Other than that, I see no real value that I have to other people, so I act accordingly. Oops, I probably just bit the proverbial hand seeing as all I do is offend and frustrate most of the time
  • I confused as to where to turn to. Drinking is too easy and plus I no longer like being drunk. Destroying things (and people) will put me in jail and as far as writing goes, the words aren't coming anymore. I wish I could just find that place to just release everything and start anew, but I'm starting to believe that such a place does not exist. I'm getting angrier and angrier with myself and I hate the fact that I don't know what comes next
  • I'm currently being accused of cavorting with the enemy if you will. From the inside. Now that I'm being accused I wish that I was because that would mean that I'd be actually experiencing enjoyment in some way, shape or form. I've always been open and honest with myself with all comers. Hell, even with me blogging all you need to know about Hassan is right here in some way shape or form so imagine if I knew you. Now imagine being accused of that shit by the closest person to you. Riiiiiight. I've been trying to keep in contact with who I can since my move and it has been difficult me being where I am and with my new setup communications wise, but it's hard when simple IM conversations are either misinterpreted or flat out untrue accusations are being made about you and who you contact. Hell, the offer is on the table for me to open my chat archives to clear my name. I'll even publish the shits (minus the names) on this very blog, but what good will that do other than clear the drama? What fun would that be? Being accused of sleeping with the enemy in in my own fort goes against everything I believe. Plus, that'll make me stupid... And a liar. And a cheat. The only thing I literally have in this world is my word. If that means nothing to those I trust then I am nothing to them.

Funny, my so-called birthday recently passed and I dreamt that I had a party that day and my wish was for me to die in my sleep. I got my wish and died peacefully with a smile on my face. The moment before I passed, all of the pain and angst flowed from my fingers and toes to the edges of the universe and I danced in my mind before signing off. That was the happiest thought I've had in some time now. The thought followed me for a week or so and I realized that the thought only manifested itself because of my current situation. The reason I left Chicago is because I thought I'd be better off somewhere else. Well, I'm somewhere else now and I wish that I knew where the real somewhere else was, cause I don't fit in here and it's starting to show. I just wish the I didn't have to be lied to because that doesn't make me feel any better. It just grows my anger inside and fuels so many other things things in a negative sense.

I'm slipping, y'all. I need help getting up.


deepnthought said...

you are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. just like you reached out to me when I was having issues with my health, big guy I am here for you.

Bananas said...

Eh the man said, "keep your powder dry and your pecker hard, and the world WILL turn."

Stay on the good foot. You got folks in your corner.

Anonymous said...

You deserve better, much better.
Doesnt seem like it now but through all of their anger and frustration they still have their arms extended to help you up. There of somethings you dont say because they are fleeting frustrations not lies...Just angers that need a faceless outlet, that's all. Still here to help you up...with a dry shoulder and minus the omissions....

signed...human too

Anonymous said...

Hassan you are a good man!
I remember when I first came to your blown away I was added to my thoughts of daily reads. I know how relocating is...I been in KC for awhile and STILL don't fit in, barely know a handful of people but I keep it moving. I have too and so do you!!

understand you are here for a purpose and drinking aint about a damn! You have started something great...this blog for one and brownbloggers-a place of communication among brown folk!

You have so much to do...this is just a page out of many novels your life will write!! Be easy....have control and know ya blog family is by your side!!!!!

Miz JJ said...

Brutally honest. Most people would want to cover up how they feel and only reveal bits and pieces of the truth. You layed it all out here for people to see, experience. Your honesty will hopefully be your salvation.

Aly Cat 121 said...

I have turned many corners, until there were no corners left. Cuz one day I turned the corner and I ran into myself. - Langston Hughes

I suppose you've just "run into yourself" Loorrd know that ain't easy. Ain't nothing like reliving the past so you can have a future. Writing is good. And every now an then, you just might have to slap the sh*t outta mo'fo to get threw the muck!

Beana said...

Wow. I dont know much about you and you certainly dont know me but we share a lot. The internal pain and anger, the medical conditions, the living in a new place with no fam and friends and not fitting in, to losing the gift (writing) ...again wow.

I'm not sure what to type here to offer any inspiration and I'm not even sure if you want it.

Just know that if you ever need someone to talk to that shares your pain...there is one.

DivineLavender said...

This was some real heartmath.

Glad you had the courage to be truthful to yourself and us.

Gallis said...

I know when you are going through something like this that it is of little solace to hear from somebody else that they understand, but I do.

Apologies y'all. Long ass comment coming up.

What I can tell you? Only this: that the only way out is through. I am still in the land of "through" and am having to recognize that how I have and have not dealt with things has kept me from my gifts and my potential as a human being. It's like staring through glass. There are all these things, right in front of you and yet you can't get there.

So what have I learned?
What am I learning?

It's ok to be angry.
It's ok to acknowledge that anger and vent it - you're doing that in a positive way.

You can't drink it away.
You can't run it away.
You can't eat it away.

You gotta sit with it, invite it in for tea and find out everything that's going on with it.

Realize that being molested as a child has resulted in the following:

You know what it feels like to scream inside.

You have to fight against the feeling that you shouldn't be here.

You have to reject the notion that you and your needs don't count. They do. You're here cause God put you here. There are no accidents.

You are responsible for your actions, not how others interpret them.

Don't worry that you're "not where you want to be." Now listen, I know that feeling more than you could know. I'm one of those people who since my earliest memories had a sense that I was destined for...something. Just not this workaday life that I have.

I think Tennessee Williams's Glass Managerie put it best:

"Every time you come in yelling that Goddamn 'Rise and Shine! Rise and Shine!' I say to myself, 'How lucky dead people are!' But I get up. I go! For sixty-five dollars a month I give up all that I dream of doing and being ever! And you say self -- self's all I ever think of. " Part 2, Scene 3, pg. 23

Despite all the investment in looking at what you do have to be thankful for, and I am sure like myself you have quite a bit, I don't think you're ever going to lose that sense "not being where you're supposed to be."

All I can say is that you just need to keep trying and keep going. Cause the other option is giving up, and that doesn't strike me as your nature.

Just remind yourself of the good things.

Just remind yourself of what you've learned and how you've changed.

Don't be so damn hard on your blessed self. We're all doing the best we can.

Getting where you want to be is ultimately about it being for you, not everyone else. That might be the hardest thing to give yourself and not feel guilty about.

I'm still working on that.

I suppose like me you might be feeling like you're in free fall. I had it all planned, had all the steps in my head and then all those certainties like I'll be at school, then I'll do this, then I'll do that, then this will happen, well didn't happen. And now I have no plan and the one I had didn't work. And now I realize that life is happening and the rest of it is out there in front of me and it will be what it will be, so what am I going to do with that?

Now I try to think about manifesting what I already am inside in my external world as opposed to getting to some "place" that I arrive at.

Am I making ANY sense?

And look at flowers real close. That helps get things in perspective too.

Tasha said...

Thank you for being honest with us, but most importantly with yourself. It takes a lot to get to that point.

I understand how you feel, as I deal with similar every day (even the medical stuff). Sometimes you just have to stop trying to do what you think you ought to be doing and be still. Answers typically flow that way.

Peace and blessings to you, and seriously, if you ever need to talk or a person to vent to, feel free.

TDJ said...

I've read you in the past, but normally I'm just a lurker. This post made me comment. You honesty is painful, yet wonderful. I hope you are able to pull yourself through this, with help from what looks like many, many people. Peace to you.

the good nurse said...

I weep for your...just in case you are not able to weep for yourself. Please know that I am praying for your release.
The Good Nurse

The Second Sixty-Eight said...

Wow. I can't even respond to all that right now. I really want to but I am in that strange spot where you drink too much to keep drinking and not enough to stay high enough to stay awake. (Cinco ya know)

But, This I will say before I go. I sometimes feel more like a resource than a person. So much to the point that I have wondered aloud "If I left and you all were still able to get the things from me that you get now, would you care that I was gone?" My heart tells me that it really is not the case. The mind does however wonder about that.

Rose said...

You are one of my favorite people in the blosphere and I only know you through your words. It seems to me you need to check again with your doctor to let him know your body is still in pain. Maybe they can suggest another medicine to use. All medicine don't help all people. Next I was wondering did you ever receive counseling for the molestation? It was swept under the rug, I thought you wrote. So was counseling swept there too. If you didn't receive it, trust me you need to either from professional counseling or through prayer. Being molested is a very traumatic thing for children to deal with and if it was not treated and discussed back then it may be the reason that you feel so low, so down lately. Of course this would have something to do with your relationship with mom if she knew and did nothing. It would have something to do with trust-major thing. Please just talk to someone. As African Americans many of us do not seek help when we need it for many reasons, one in particular is because we have a strong faith in our churches helping us- in your case they did not. Age means nothing if the child in you was never heal. Pain never leaves the heart when you were hurting with no relief. I wish you well and know that I am praying for you....