Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Wednesday, May 02, 2007

It Ain't Easy

Dealing with myself is not an easy thing.

For some that have read my blog before, it's just one big sigh reading this. For others that have just come over to visit and have just had their literal neck snapped, well... I'm damn near 40 years old and am still trying to deal with me. It ain't as easy as I expected it to be me supposedly being so talented and gifted, being given all of this opportunity to travel and see things when others have the hardest time making time to get over to the Wal-Mart because of family and work constraints.

I agree that I have it good in a sense being single and childless and not affecting anyone else with whatever it is I have. That my depression and anger hasn't impacted my spouse, child or co-worker to the point that either them or I aren't heavily medicated and under a doctor's care or as a part of some university research program experiencing those side effects we hear that monotone-voiced guy on the prescription commercials talking about.

This is my therapy and I'm trying not to medicate so I use this forum because it's free and folks really do listen. Or at least I think they do.

Sometimes.

I do want to clarify a few things some picked up on in my last post:

  • I am not drinking my problems away. I don't like being drunk, so I keep my distance from the sauce. I've had my share of beer in the past month so... Yes I drink, but no I don't get drunk. So there.
  • I am not eating either. I've dropped 7 pounds since last Tuesday.
  • I wish I had the answers as to why I feel like I can't grow close to certain folks. The fact that I was touched as a child doesn't affect me like back in the day. I still feel like I need longer periods of time to trust folks close to me. I'm working on lowering my defenses so I can let folks in. It takes time for me to get comfy with folks.
  • I haven't had a relationship where I felt like settling down since late 2005. I have been involved, but not on the level I was back then. There were things I did to raise suspicions in the eyes of that sister (and I think she got out because I was battling a bout of depression then), but I was still let down because she literally disappeared and no dialogue was had between her and I so no immediate closure was had and I assumed that things were over after a few days to a week of no contact. I'm trying to work to get to where I can trust a sister to the point where I can feel comfortable with 'we' which hasn't happened as of yet.
  • The writing thing (or lack thereof) has me reeling for a new release date for my project. Sucks monkey ass. Nuff' said.

I wish I could get past my deficiencies to the point where I can function like a normal human, but I am just as regular as the rest of you. I have issues and I am working towards being as normal as I feel I can be. My support system is somewhat functional, and I do have you guys so I feel like I can be at my best in due time. I am working through the diabetes thing the best I know how (with medical help and research) and I know that what I'm going thru is a part of me having what I have, so I adjust and try to keep it moving the best I can.

I will keep going, trust me, but there are times where I feel like there is no hope.

I know that there is, but hope has a point of overlooking me most times. Or at least I feel that way. That's when I cry out and try to get as much help as I can. I feel the need to move around and keep the blood flowing because I feel like if I stand still and wait for something good to happen I will surely die in that process. I've already proved to myself on Thanksgiving day 05' that I'm too much of a punk to check out voluntarily... So I live, and sometimes living is so fucked up for me.

Like now.

My financial problems stem from me begging for money via trying to write grant proposals for BrownBloggers. I suck at this and I'm doing it by myself, but I'm supposed to get help once school lets out. Then I'll have assistance from a few folks that have done this before. I am on the fence with my decision on being site administrator and running BrownBloggers and have found a few people that would love to have that job if I leave the fold, but I must help it develop it somehow cause' it's my baby.

I also called my guy at the trucking company and will be going back on the road with my rig in a few weeks. Maybe that's what I need. Me, myself and I rolling all over via the place seeing the countryside, snapping pictures and blogging from out there somewhere.

I can do that and feel free. I have done that and felt very much like my freedom papers meant something. Maybe out there I can ease my mind and brush some of the burdens of life off my back and let the past go. Time will tell, wont it?

The thought of being free always seems to enhance my calm.

15 comments:

Liz Dwyer said...

I hadn't come by to visit you in awhile and then when I did a few hours ago, I read your 4/30 post. You are going through it, no doubt, and I'll keep you in my prayers.

I found myself admiring you because so many of us (me included) post about what we think about various social/political issues, but never post about what's really going on deep inside us. And that's an ok choice but I started to wonder if I even do that anywhere else. There were so many things you wrote that really resonated with me... The things I left behind in Chicago still haunt me and I've been gone for ten years. Why do I even ask myself why it's almost 3 in the morning and I'm not even close to being asleep?

In any case, I'm thinking of you today.

Gallis said...

I'm with Liz. I'm thinking about you too. And hey, I was being general in my long ass comments. I wasn't meaning to imply you've been going on gin and heavenly hash benders.

Hmmm....heavenly hash.

Ahem.

At any rate, at the end of the day you don't have to justify a damn thing about how you feel, and if you want to share it here, well it's your blog so do what you gotta do.

It is hard to have hope sometimes and you're going through a tough time. But "this too shall pass." We all seem to be good about applying that philosophy to good times, but it applies to bad times too.

I love your blog because selfishly, I just feel less alone after reading it. I feel like somebody "gets it" and "gets me". I don't think I could be as honest as you are. I would really miss you if you ever left the blogosphere, that's fer sure.

Anonymous said...

I am a recent reader of your blog. You are very open and extremely up front about the struggles and challenges you face. I pray that things get better for you soon.

Anonymous said...

I have been where you are and I am telling you it does get better. I'm not sure where you stand with God, but I will tell you I stand ON Him. I'm not talking religion...I am speaking purely as relationship. I won't preach to you or hit you over the head with my bible (I'm against that.

For the record choosing breathing through what you are experiencing is the brave way to handle this. You are not a punk. I took the punk way out and only by the grace of God am I still here. It doesn't take courage to commit suicide, it takes courage to live through whatever is causing you to feel like this.

You are in my prayers.

deepnthought said...

still in my thoughts

T. S. Snowden said...

"The thought of being free always seems to enhance my calm."

the opposite of free is captive...no one deserves to be a captive.
may we all find freedom.

*snake*bite* said...

You said it - you are normal just like everyone else.
Everyone has certain defects but that is what makes us individuals.

You are an extremely gifted writer and you will stay in my thoughts and i will definitely be back here to check out all your new posts.

Take care

xXxXx

aquababie said...

i like coming here because of your honesty. i'm still having a hard time doing that on my own spot. you give me something to aspire to not only on my virtual home, but my reality as well.

having issues is a part of being normal. if you're cookie-cutter, then i think something is wrong. i do wish for you to find that peace you're looking for.

i will keep you in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Always in the thoughts of the effervescent!


chin up

Anonymous said...

Peace....I stop by here often and i am always....and i do mean always touched but yours words....your ability to be open in the forum is healing i think..and takes more than lost of us have....anyway i just want to say be blessed...and to offer my hand..and heart

Eternal Blessings

Anonymous said...

if you care to reach me
please do at
isiskenyatta@yahoo.com

again
Eternal Blessings
Isis

Jazzy said...

This is my first time here. So honest was your post, I almost felt like I was reading your diary, but I don't feel guilty. I could relate to sooooooo much...being single, no children, having difficulty trusting/connecting with someone,e tc.

Who said admitting/knowing you have a problem is half the battle? I can't remember, but it's so true.

Hopefully hitting the road is exactly what you need...I'm sure you'll keep us posted.

The Second Sixty-Eight said...

Damn Bruh! Got me shaking my head. I am sitting here with my arm around ya (from way over here). I thought I was reading something that I wrote for a second. We seem a lot alike and very different at the same time. Black, nearly 40, diabetic, depressed, liking a little "liquid attitude adjustment" on occasion. On the other hand, I am married with children, old school instead of hip hop, consider homicide in place of suicide (does that make me a bad person?). But most important, like you, I blog-as-therapy. Getting it off your chest makes it easier to deal with. Keep on dealing with it. As will I.

This was my first visit too. I will be back.

Stay up and stay strong!

Oh yeah, I am jealous that you got a truck you can hit the road in. And get paid for it. I wish I could get away like that. Too much duty, too many dependencies.

Rose said...

Driving over the road bringing you peace is probably what you need. I like what you said about knowing when you need to get help. Most people don't and that is why they get worse. I do like the fact that you are so open and honest with your feelings and know that the right someone will be in your path if not there already. Thanks for sharing yourself with us and yes we are listening.

Anonymous said...

Do whatever it takes for you to get back to normal. As long as it aint destructive. But I think maybe your problem is that you are not settled. You have freedom but no security. Find a way to get both. If you sacrifice one for the other, then you deserve neither one.