Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Friday, February 24, 2012

Speak Not, Want Not, But Chronicle It For Prosperity

I stop talking to people. I mean, really I stopped calling and having people call me on the telephone. It just got to a point where I just didn't want to have conversations with people anymore. I don't know what got into me and I kind of feel the same way right now, but let me tell you when you're going through something people can only empathize, sometimes talk isn't enough. It's not that I'm looking for sympathy or even an understanding for that matter, what I'm really looking for someone I could just shoot the shit with. When I started going through the deeper portions of the sight loss before the hemorrhages happened, I just made a decision to stop talking.

I haven't talked to many people since mid to late December. I just don't have the urge to get on the phone and chat anymore. When I drove down to North Carolina from Chicago, everything changed. I'm still here in North Carolina because my vision got so bad I just couldn't see well enough to drive back. And I still haven't talked to many people. Other than logistics, there's really nothing to discuss with folks. Now I'm not some cantankerous old man who is upset and angry about losing his eyesight, I'm just an average dude who really doesn't need to hear about or discuss anything right now. People seem to have forgotten how to have regular conversation with me, like I'm a pariah or something. Fuck your sympathy! If you're not a surgeon or a specialist, then we really have nothing to discuss.

So I stopped talking on the phone. Stop messaging people. I don't send nor do I receive many text messages. I speak to my god sister in Nashville, my sponsor from Chicago who is driving me up next week, my mother maybe once a week or so, my dad maybe once or twice a month and that's about it.

Now I have shared a text with a couple of my blogger friends and someone special out of Atlanta recently, but to be honest with you it's not a whole lot of chatter going on. I don't plan on poking my head out of my ostrich hole and don't plan to go out to do stuff when I get back to Chicago. I think I'll just keep to myself. Like I said, I'm not angry or anything, I'm just maintaining. I'm just trying to stay with myself by myself and for myself. I think this'll help me recover and from what I hear, it may take up to eight months to a year for me to recover from all of the surgeries that I need to have on my eyes. So I look at things a little bit differently, and I just plan on going at this recovery thing alone, stay in the house and maintain until things get better. I really don't feel the need to be social.

Now I do plan to shoot some video, blog and take pictures to put as much information about the retinal surgery proceedure here on the blog. I think I have to let folks know what people have to go through that have retinal problems. I will do the best I can to try to chronicle as much as I can to my tolerance. It's a little difficult for me right now because I have to make a visual review of what I speak into either my tablet on my desktop computer and sometimes I just don't have the wherewithal to see the small letters and text, so I'll do the best I can.

I'll be at a retinal specialist's office here in North Carolina Monday morning very early. I don't plan on making any videos or anything for that particular visit, but I will take some pictures and I will let you guys know what happened. Until that time, you just try to have a good weekend and I will toughen up and get my ass to the office and see what happens from there.


Big Mark 243 said...

... I daresay I understand... in fact, reading this may get me to blog in the direction I want to go but don't dare...

... I think that you have a connection to your readers and they 'get that' about you... I think I understand what you are going through because when something so fundamental is jepordized, what can anyone say..? How can they understand.??

I had a migraine that lasted ten days... it got so bad that, anywho, I don't need to hear from someone that 'Oh, I get those too,' when they don't have spots on their MRI of their brain where nothing but white should be...

... so I think that I get it... and it is refreshing to 'talk' with people, even when they don't know that the conversation is like adding a 5k run to the 10k that I just run and the day is a marathon for me anyway...

... enough about me... more about you... I don't know if I have the dignity to have dealt with what you are going through... for real, you help drive me to deal and cope... Take care, bro...

BluJewel said...

I completely understand and empathize from a medical aspect. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 07, I shared the info with a select FEW. Why? 1) folk don't need to be all up in mine, 2) I'm just that kind of person and 3) sometimes I just didn't want to talk about it; that was what my support group was for.

I found people have an odd perception of what they think they need to do or say and sometimes you don't want them to do or say anything, but instead just act like nothing is going on.

In your case, I told you I'd pray for you and I have and continue to. I read your blog because I enjoy what you have to say; or not!

May God's healing hands continue to be upon you.

yazmar said...

Long time Hassan!! Yea I prolly misspelled your name, but cool reading some of your posts. Everything gets better with time bro...