The Mini-Battle With My Inner-Nigger

It's been hard to come here to my own blog.

The past couple of weeks have been difficult to say the least:

A family member was murdered and buried in less than a week and we have no leads as to who took the life of our beloved.

I was involved in 2 separate 'trucking incidents' that resulted in lost time and mileage. I have to stand in front of an independent investigator this week to see if I pay for the combined $60,000 plus in damages. I claim innocence, nuff said.

I've been stolen from, harassed, betrayed, ridiculed and taken advantage of as well as being sold down the river by a handful of folks I called 'close'.

But know that the good still outweighs the bad immensely.

In times like this something happens to me. I try to maintain my sanity but my inner self doesn't want to hear that shit. My inner-nigger wants to take over and get busy rectifying things. Of course I can't let him because I'm too handsome to go to jail. And I got a round booty.

Not a good thing, trust me. I wouldn't know and I ain't trying to find out, trust me.


I went thru a thing the week I got into my little trucking mishap. I started hearing from folks I wouldn't dig out of a grave if I had the powers of regeneration as well as folks that were smiling in my face and selling me out in the same breath. Shit started getting thick. Vultures always swoop down when you start to wane from life's attempt to kick your ass and then...

Nigger - Let me get at em man

Me - I can't let you out, you do bad shit.

Nigger - I know! I swear, say the word son, I'll go to their house, ring the doorbell and get a nice firm grip on that neck kid!

Me - What about them breathing?

Nigger - They don't need to breathe... People like that aren't worthy of life, son!


I never got why cats get on rap records and used their talent to speak on killing folks they didn't know. I know that sex and violence rules the entertainment game but I didn't know that it's the niggers on this planet that regulated who lives or dies. My inner nigger really wanted to go out and rid the world of folks he felt weren't worthy of inhaling, and that ain't my bag baby.

In the past twenty years, the best way to end shit was to close the deal by applying the expiration date on folks and their operation. Ass whoopins and such became a thing of the past and pride in bruises went the way of the stagecoach. High school kids started bringing guns to schools and tiny little things in the hood went under the bed and got daddy's tech 9 and blasted the kid down the street because he or she was getting teased to the point of humiliation.

In the past couple of months I too was teased, ridiculed and humiliated by those that were close to me. Things were said behind my back that discounted my value and worth to those I endeared myself to. Things both tangible and intangible were stolen from me. I was emasculated and paraded about as the carnival freak and I had enough and attempted to walk away. In me walking away from those that took advantage of me there was frustration I guess and I was betrayed in a manner that I won't even share here in the place I usually tell all my business.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to lash out the way other kids in my environment do currently and in the past. I could not believe that I had an inner nigger. I never thought I would bring home the urge to want to take someone's life. I thought I left that in the military. My inner nigger damn near convinced me to take a hundred steps backward and risk my own life in retaliation over what? Other people's shortcomings and such?

What?

You know me.

Even if you just started coming here to read stuff. I am a proud, intelligent black man with so much to live for. What on earth could put such thoughts in my head?

I am a product of my environment.

When I came back to Chicago months ago, I put myself back in the hood. Now I have volunteered at food pantries, registered folks to vote and gave many a free show on the hip hop and poetry tip. I love my people and I can't stand seeing us live foul for no apparent reason, but I see that in my travels there is still an element in the Black and Latino community that wants to live foul. And its influence is strong as hell. Some of that lives inside of me.

A couple of days ago I was driving thru the hood from the gig, looking for a spot to get some grub. The company car has tinted windows, so I'm in the cut. It was then, me rolling thru the weed spots, hustleman's haven and the infamous 'Carter' (ala new Jack City) that I realized that even though gentrification was at an all time high in spots that used to be straight gully, the hood still exists. Hood mentality still exists. That shit is marketed on BET on the freaking regular, and I don't watch BET (I gave up on TV recently... I'll buy Heroes on DVD in March 08') and again I say, the hood influence to regulate via violence is very, very heavy.

I don't want to leave the hood, but when you have only yourself to fend for and nothing to lose, you do incredible shit. I am a product of the ghetto and I love being right in the middle of it. Something about the projects and the mini-barrio that calls me to stay and be with my own kind.

I want to do incredible things, but I want to do them and live in the reciprocation of the actions and emotions I have and act upon, meaning I need more to live for in order for me to live.

And then, all of a sudden she pops up out of nowhere and offers one reason.

And in a whirlwind of conversation, hanging out and riding an incredible vibration of emotion and realizing the power of intent and purpose I find out that i have much more to live for. More than I have ever given thought to. Simple actions, complex conversation and time spent gives me hope that I won't be overcome with the hood mentality to act without thinking, knee deep in emotion caused by foolishness.

My inner nigger was built on shame and illicit behavior. It has been fed all things illegal and immoral and told that if I was wronged or shamed that I should snuff out said shame by taking that person's life with no remorse.

But what if you create or have created life?

How quick would you be to end someone else's? With the exception of killing to defend you and yours, what kind of influence would you want to have for your own seed? What experiences would you want them to have in growing up in this cold cruel world? What in the hell were all of them student loans for in the first damn place?

What have I learned and what do I want to contribute to this big blue marble other than rhyme or two? How will my legacy be remembered?

I learned that folks that come in peace and leave you in pieces aren't worth you giving them thought further than the time you cried for help and a spiritual bandage while you were in pain. When that subsides... The best revenge is living well.

And creating life beyond your own... And cultivating that. I am a man of distinction, positive influence and of the spirit of the Most High. I need to get back to the essence in order to live as such. I am not the man my thoughts and unprocessed emotions want me to be.

I am who I am. Son of the Great I Am.

As far as my inner thug?

Fuck that nigger.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way Here

Most of you know that I experienced what I consider to be the worst time of my life recently and decided to come 'home' and get back to the essence of what made me me in the first place.

Most of you know that I chose to get back into the trucking industry.

I indicated recently that I regained control of the name I chose for myself back in 2000 after dealing with the IRS and the Social Security Administration.

I've also let you guys know that I am at my happiest RIGHT NOW and I'm not letting anyone steal my joy.

It's been hard to blog seeing that there are some things I don't want people knowing about. Nothing big because I share A HELL OF A LOT when it comes to me, but some things just need to be behind closed doors.

There are some people, situations and places that suck the joy out of your ass. A few things have really made me not want to blog anymore, but I'm not letting that stop me.

I recently had an incident on the road that made me realize that some things are much too important and I have re-prioritized a few things since that time.

I'm cool, I just need to find what place the internet has in my life right now.

Gimme a minute and we'll see how things go with a little bit of sleep and a whole lot of peace.

RE: Konichiwa

Furious,

I'm not mad that in an effort to rid myself of creative stickiness that I've decided to pit the two most powerful aspects of myself against each other in what would probably be a simple decision for most normal folk. I am not normal by any stretch of the imagination, so the public display of noise going on in my head for the world to see continues...

I appreciate you. I know that I don't have to wait on you to take what I am sometimes afraid to grab so I call on you to be the aggressive cat that makes the world afraid. They know you exist. I acknowledge your strengths to continue to balance things, but I must debate the fact that I am making the wrong move. All I'm trying to do is make things right for us. I know you don't want to be in Houston, but you gotta admit, it's been 85 degrees here since late February. Remember getting off that plane back in March in the Chi? You were all good until you got out to hail that cab. The 'Hawk' damn near ran you back to Georgia, didn't it?

The warm gulf weather ran the pneumonia out of us. The quiet, tree lined streets and the breeze has lulled you to sleep since arriving. Traffic is shit, but things are calm and easy here. Not like the hectic hustle and bustle Chicago has 24/7. And remember, this is not Chicago. There is so much I know you probably miss but there was a reason we left. Remember why we left.

Don't forget.

Some things are too much for your heart to endure.

The number of folks and the situations that involve them in the city of Chicago that bring tears to your eyes is a small one, but it only takes is a few. In order to accept the fact that you lived in the midst of dysfunction you have to admit that you are dysfunctional and know that you are a product of its environment, then you must remove yourself from it and start anew outside of it. You have abused yourself in so many ways trying to cope with having to live with things that would have ran some into those deep recesses you mentioned in your letter yesterday. It's time to preform the actions that'll heal you and help you move forward. That means that you have to let certain people, places and things go, and I know that probably makes you lash out. All I can say about the abrasiveness is the same things I say when counseling folks about internal cleanse. You will feel toxic for a moment because is must pass thru and be absorbed before it is released by the body.

Life ain't gravy here. Texas is a difficult place for a black man, and not being native of culture and customs makes things that much more difficult. All I ask is for enough time to heal, stack a bit of paper and get my head and my pocketbook right. The writer's block will end. The performance anxiety will end as well. The book will get get published dude, I swear. We already have record dates and flight info to complete the project with MorninMan, it's just a matter of getting there one day at a time. I am not giving up my dream, I just need a moment to set things straight and get back to optimal performance physically and mentally. We will get back on the road and hustle CDs, hit impromptu joints and perform and fellowship like we did last summer, trust me. I miss being out there as well.

We'll get there. It's just taking a little longer than I expected it would. Not that I thought it could happen in a day or from a different location...

We must find out who we really are by accomplishing things we did not know we were capable of. Taking this job and being still for a moment in Houston is what must happen right now. But this is only right now. Imagine what could happen later. Today first.

A rose can't bloom before its time
It will never bloom if the sun don't shine
So live your life, No need to hide
What's inside, cause that ain't right
You'll see what's true
Who's meant for you
Loves you for you

Stop playing games

Now you might lose a friend or two
But if you do, were they there for you?
You need to see
Open your eyes

and realize

That you're worth more
So, so much more
So, so much more
Eric Roberson



Brother, I got you.

Hassan
The Brown Blogger

An Open Letter To Furious Styles

Fear Furious,

You made a mess of things.

It's good to be back up in here albeit early, but when I logged on and saw the tonka truck colors I had to step in and take the blog back. I promise to not let alter egos get in and get out all willy nilly. And to think, I was going to let you blog for the whole week while I negotiated my new employment situation. Wow is all I got right now. "Konichiwa bitches?" Not a good idea to hand it off to you, huh?.

In the time I was out working on a permanent template for BrownBloggers, meeting potential employers and enhancing my calm and thangs, I was considering selling out. A little. I've been weighing out whether I should become a corporate whore which would stifle my creativity and give me back that 'boxed in' feeling I had when I was a cubicle junkie back a year and some change ago.

But then I read my hijacked blog and wondered where things went internally to make you jerk out like that and I wondered...

Would I blow up like that on a co-worker?

I figure that since you are the aggressive personality I shelved some time ago while searching for my true purpose that going back into corporate America would bring you out and get me fired or even better, sent to jail for felonious assault.

I have to re-shelve you for the time being so I can take this job and make things right. For the moment.

Although I don't want to go back to corporate and be a desk hockey I have to have you realize that I am currently living in a financial deficit and I need the boost that this job will give me. If I am not totally ready to get back on the road due to health, then this offer from the mega-giant, Texas oil monopoly will have to suffice until my blood pressure and heart rate is normal enough to get back to over the road status.

In other words. I have to do the dance and I need my rational personality running thangs until I can properly regulate my health. You have made me manic and have my stress levels out of control and I cannot qualify to drive the big rigs if I am stressed to the point where we're making the BP machine explode. And further more, little sis was right. With you as dominant personality I am more of a stroke and heart attack victim now more than ever.

And your workouts put blisters on my feet from running in the pool without aqua socks.

So until further notice and unless you're needed you are officially back in the recesses of my mind and will not touch the layout settings or anything else related to my blog or my life. Let me work this corporate gig until I am healthy enough to get back on the road, okay?

I'd appreciate that.

And quit playing with my background colors like that. I like my black template. Hulkamania this is not.

Sincerely,

Hassan O. Ntimbanjayo
The Brown Blogger