How Not To Bug The Hell Out When Everything Around You Is Falling Apart

I said that one day I would write a book about that title above this text in an effort to help those who feel like all of life's situations are a little too much sometimes because when it rains, it pours.

I've been at the hospital for the past two days trying to be regular in a very irregular situation. The regular part is a put on for my mother who has been thrusted into a very odd, life-altering place by my step dad. He almost died Monday morning. She waited until it was good and damn dark before she called me.

And when it came time to call somebody, she called me specifically. I am not surprised. I never told her what I told friends, the long-ass book title I typed up there but she knows her son. Her mother's intuition told her that I have some sort of otherworldly knowledge in how to remain calm, assess things and use said calm to both handle a situation and quickly come up with a solution without bugging the hell out.

Yeah, I can do that.

But not right now.

But I gotta reach way deep and pull this one out of my ass somehow.

I saw her name on the caller ID and handed my wife the phone. They like to talk and carry on with that girlie-girl mish/mash. Wifey answered it and my mother calmly and coldly asked for her son. And by the time I put the receiver to my ear she was telling me shit that I did not want to hear but what I had to know.

The incident happened Monday morning, but it's now like 8 o'clock in the PM. She's been up all day at his bedside and his vitals aren't improving. She needs sleep and knowing her, she ain't gonna get it. I asked her if she wanted me there and she said no but meant yes. My wife was already getting dressed.

An hour later we were at the ER and was told that the situation was way more complicated than what Mom's was telling. We have a situation that might be greater than it seems on the surface and I need to find someplace to put it along with the cancer trials of an aunt, my up and down relationships with folks, a recent death and getting settled back in Chicago in a non-existent residence. Oh, there is more shit on top of that... But I'm telling you stuff you already know, this is what I know:

I was supposed to come back to Chicago

I am needed more than I (and they) have let on to folks

I now have to take the lead in this family because our matriarch is beyond sick and my mother has been hit hard with the revelation that the situation with her husband is greater than it seems. This and all of my sibs having their own shit to deal with (mortgages, children, work, work related stress, time management, distance, finances) and me not having any of what they have to deal with puts me center stage whether I want it to or not, and I cannot bug the fuck out right now.

I know there's a lot of cussing in these paragraphs but I have to mention God right here..

God has called me to be an intercessor.

When you realize that, you cannot complain, make excuses or run and hide. My family's balance is contingent on me holding steady to do the things and make decisions I've thought about but never wanted to really be a part of executing, but if I don't who will? When I called my little brother and thought that he already knew he was asking ME why he wasn't filled in earlier in the day and spazzed the hell out after getting completely filled in. After he learned the facts, he told me that it was too much information to add to his work-related stress as well as him just walking in the door having not taken the time to asses his own family's status...

No answer at lil sis's home or cell...
Overworking older brother cannot be found.

And now you know why Mother Dear waited twelve hours after working on stabilizing step dad, thought on it and called my ass. She figured out that I somehow is her intercessor. After staring in her eyes last night in a realization that even when her husband gets checked out and goes home that she has to prep herself for what could be the most improbable and unexpected moments in her life... I see that I cannot absolutely without fail bug the fuck out.

The stakes are so high right now.

When you see, feel, understand and acknowledge that right there... You already know how to act and what to say and do.

Realization that you are not in control makes you want to control yourself the best ways possible in order to lead by example is chapter one in: 'How Not To Bug The Hell Out When Everything Around You Is Falling Apart'...

I never knew that living this life would be the text for something greater. Take my words and process them. Learn exactly what an intercessor is so if need be you or someone can follow suit. Also, don't fuck with me right now because there is one hell of a delicate balance gwans' on over here. To upset that will probably revert me back to twenty years ago which was my first week of Army basic training things are that raw right now.

But I love you. Remember that as well.

At What Cost?

Change...

But at what cost?

At the beginning of the year, I had no clue that I... We would be where we are geographically, but we are here. I planned on doing some work to enhance the office space in our home and was really looking forward to popping over to US Cellular Field (home of the 2006 Word Champion Chicago White Sox - Cub fans can kick rocks!) more than a few times to see ballgames, enjoying the newness of my recently gentrified neighborhood.

I also thought that whatever it was that was holding my marriage together would become more solvent over time.

I was wrong.

After purging the records and saw that our spending was out of control and realizing that this was closely related to our relationship not being under control, I decided to take action. I had a plan. It seems that now my plan might be sabotaged by change.

Change on address.
Change of mind.
Change of opinion.
Change in direction.
Change in focus.

And no change of the status quo.

I was reading LadyLee's blog post yesterday dealing with settling and not making the adjustment based on what you want. It is a given that you'll never get what you want in life some of the time, others you might get too much of what you want, and that might be a bad thing. I struggled to comment after reading that post, the Oldgirl went on and reminded those that read regularly and really put the dooski wooski on anyone just stopping by for the first time about how she just went with the flow with dude for 5 years not getting much of what she wanted in a man but out of familiarity she stayed the course, eventually marrying this cat.

Damn.

Was the market that damn bad or was staying put that damn stable (in bullshit, mind you) that she felt the need to stay in it for that damn long? That made me ask myself if my marriage is anywhere near that status. Now mind you, when she realized that her future would be worse than what her present was handing to her, she gathered the courage, strength and wherewithal to get up and walk away. Far, far away.

So after waiting all day to pick my other half up from the airport I suggested that she read this post because I really wanted to ask her if she felt as if she settled.

I asked.

She answered.

Regardless of how she answered and what she said, I wish I never asked because now I know the truth. It doesn't even matter what she said in her reply to my initial question, all I know is that change needs to come sooner than later, but at what cost? I mean, I did what I did a few weeks ago to save my marriage and look at opportunities that would benefit both of us.

But sometimes unleashing extreme measures to solve one problem can open one's self up to a myriad of other problems.

It just doesn't seem to stop.

I guess I'm the only one around here that realizes that we only have one shot at this thing called life on this plane of existence. I'm only running into a few others that actually realize that there is no redo, especially if one takes a holding pattern to make the important decisions in life.

That's why things are the way they are.

There are those that know that they only have that one shot and do whatever it takes to make life worth it, there are others that continue to question their own situation, doing nothing to solve their problems and those that seem lost in life and end up drowning in it, making life a wasted resource awarded by The Creator to the absolute wrong person.

Sometimes it takes lessons learned, the exploration of learned behavior and then acting to correct the crooked shit in order to make things the way it's supposed to be. I'm gradually finding out which one of those persons I am by self realization and who I purported to be by others with little or no additional thought given to what makes me who I am.

Living among anger and confusion will only make you angry and confused, distracting you from what you were really put here to do, leaving your imprint with no impact.

I'm starting to relate with that last statement.

Preventive Medicine

I'm well, getting rest and packing and readying myself for the road which comes in a few short weeks. I'm looking forward to getting back out. Nothing else is happening with the exception of me possibly hooking up on a few short term assignments to gain a little loot before I hit the roadways. I haven't come close to piecing together a thousand words like I did last week. Oh well. I have gotten a chance to sit in the quiet with the TV off and unplugged from the internet and that's always been a good thing but after watching TV last night, I realized one certain thing about myself:

I am in my late thirties and am diabetic, and this has become both a personal and political issue.

For everyone.

Now I do not 'suffer' from this disease because I do everything in my power to function well, nuff said. I took the time last night to watch the YouTube/CNN you askem' Democratic debates and I tell you, I was overwhelmed after watching and taking notes during the replay later that night.

33 percent of all Medicaid, medicare and disability claims in the last decade and a half were diabetes related. After further research I found that the number is higher, Anderson Cooper, a few of the candidates and a whole lot of the civilian question askers confirmed that 33% statistic and that scared the shit out of me.

There were more questions asked of these candidates about health care than war, partisan politics or the economy. I've always wanted to say this since I arrived here, "Houston, we've got a problem." One of the reasons that I wanted to bail from Big Oil was the fact that they did not offer health benefits as a part of my package, and with the great state of Texas as a right to work state, and no one has to offer healthcare and that scares me because purchasing the proper coverages has been some of the most difficult murk I've waded through since being down here. I really didn't have that problem in Utah or Illinois, but it ain't where you're from...

It seems that less than 20 percent of us here working legally in the US have the proper health care benefits we need for ourselves and our families and I ain't talking bout' my ass going to the VA (and I do) or the free clinic (is there still a free clinic?). KRS One said something pretty profound a decade or so ago:

"See we don't need nothing else... But health, wealth and knowledge of self!"

As a man of Afrikan descent, most of my people are lacking on all three. As an American, the health and wealth part is really lacking something serious. I need to ask you, how are you planning to retire and how will you get coverages in the coming years, especially when you know you need it? The pharmaceutical companies are banking doo doo dollars, the health care systems have more than enough loot in the booty to function for the next 300 years and hospital systems have mostly went private and can exclude sick folk (nee: BROKE) at will.

My question to you on this Tuesday is not what should Hillary, Edwards, Barack or Biden should do, it is simply this:

What are you doing NOW to have the coverages you need?
What contingency plan do you have for the shortage of social security benefits?
What plans do you have RIGHT NOW to take care of you if Alzheimer's or a debilitating stroke sets in?
What equity, investments and property are you banking on to pay the bills (if and) when you stop working?
Have you even given thought to that moment in time when you need the fruits of your labor?


And I'm talking right now. I have my plans... I am looking right now to invest in a few foreclosed properties (taxes) in Chicago to sublet out to build my net worth and have equity for my hair brained schemes. The change of employer is for me to afford better health care and purchase real property so I can fall back on this twenty/thirty years from now. I also am taking herbs and gravitating more towards a vegan lifestyle in order to live and function longer and stronger in my later years. I still go to the VA for preventive maintenance health wise. I have to, it's me dammit and I like my ass (and the rest of me too). From tax lien certificates, to herbalism, I have a plan to be well in more ways than one whenever my golden years reaches me, lord willing.

What in the hell do you plan to do?

Naked.

Stripped down to my lowest common denominator

At times I sport 2 shirts in the sun on a hot summer day
Most times I rock 3 sweaters under my bubble goose
during winter's mildest
Often times I carry 5 outfits in the water
even if I'm scuba diving
They say bundle up

I say wear it in layers

cause that's what I was taught
So I follow my own advice and put it on
and on
and on
and on
I don't take it off, even if I'm showering
This way we get all the clothes clean.

I've never had the urge to take it all off
See, momma told me that you had to have on clean underwear
or you'll be caught out there
And rumor of your uncleanliness can cause despair
Even if that was not you up in there

So cover it up, son
Put something on it, I mean have you no shame?
Or better yet, I am ashamed and have projected it on you

In the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost
Run and hide boy!
Put some layers on that ass before I kick it!

No one wants to see you

Put all that had developed into who is you behind that curtain
Never let the world see what you really want
they'll do what they can to just take it away
leaving you alone and exposed

alone and exposed
alone
exposed

A long expose`
On how not to function as a little black boy in Sam's land
because he probably stole
he couldn't have earned that
Shame they can't earn, it's not in their nature

Don't share nothing
just tuck it in
hold it there, you hear me?
Never share your feelings, I mean
learn from history
Never share your story because
all the world will laugh at you
and you ain't never been funny

Put your face behind those hands because
you do not have attraction to the opposite or similar
you repel cause you ain't like them
be seen and not heard, matter of fact hide because

You just exist.

You need not explain to the rest of the world what your plan is
because no one else can speak the language
that was uniquely taught to you
And that's even seen as illiterate
so don't say nothing

just
remain
silent



until it explodes



Now after this even your deepest wish
will be laid at the feet of the people of the globe
and they will stare and gaze in your unfamiliar-ness
because they don't know you
You will want them to listen
but words will fall on deaf ears repeatedly
because that's a dialect that they want to fear
because you are the unknown

until you strip
until you strip
until you strip
until you strip

this shit down to its bare minimum

make it naked

help them see with the visual that is you
bare it all so that they understand the language
that is your human body and its unspoken text

expose yourself to the universe

give them the vibe blackman
like only you can give it
and receive it back

get that shit back

get that shit back
just as stripped down as you gave it
and then they will hear you


and understand

2006 Hassan Ntimbanjayo