Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

At What Cost?


But at what cost?

At the beginning of the year, I had no clue that I... We would be where we are geographically, but we are here. I planned on doing some work to enhance the office space in our home and was really looking forward to popping over to US Cellular Field (home of the 2006 Word Champion Chicago White Sox - Cub fans can kick rocks!) more than a few times to see ballgames, enjoying the newness of my recently gentrified neighborhood.

I also thought that whatever it was that was holding my marriage together would become more solvent over time.

I was wrong.

After purging the records and saw that our spending was out of control and realizing that this was closely related to our relationship not being under control, I decided to take action. I had a plan. It seems that now my plan might be sabotaged by change.

Change on address.
Change of mind.
Change of opinion.
Change in direction.
Change in focus.

And no change of the status quo.

I was reading LadyLee's blog post yesterday dealing with settling and not making the adjustment based on what you want. It is a given that you'll never get what you want in life some of the time, others you might get too much of what you want, and that might be a bad thing. I struggled to comment after reading that post, the Oldgirl went on and reminded those that read regularly and really put the dooski wooski on anyone just stopping by for the first time about how she just went with the flow with dude for 5 years not getting much of what she wanted in a man but out of familiarity she stayed the course, eventually marrying this cat.


Was the market that damn bad or was staying put that damn stable (in bullshit, mind you) that she felt the need to stay in it for that damn long? That made me ask myself if my marriage is anywhere near that status. Now mind you, when she realized that her future would be worse than what her present was handing to her, she gathered the courage, strength and wherewithal to get up and walk away. Far, far away.

So after waiting all day to pick my other half up from the airport I suggested that she read this post because I really wanted to ask her if she felt as if she settled.

I asked.

She answered.

Regardless of how she answered and what she said, I wish I never asked because now I know the truth. It doesn't even matter what she said in her reply to my initial question, all I know is that change needs to come sooner than later, but at what cost? I mean, I did what I did a few weeks ago to save my marriage and look at opportunities that would benefit both of us.

But sometimes unleashing extreme measures to solve one problem can open one's self up to a myriad of other problems.

It just doesn't seem to stop.

I guess I'm the only one around here that realizes that we only have one shot at this thing called life on this plane of existence. I'm only running into a few others that actually realize that there is no redo, especially if one takes a holding pattern to make the important decisions in life.

That's why things are the way they are.

There are those that know that they only have that one shot and do whatever it takes to make life worth it, there are others that continue to question their own situation, doing nothing to solve their problems and those that seem lost in life and end up drowning in it, making life a wasted resource awarded by The Creator to the absolute wrong person.

Sometimes it takes lessons learned, the exploration of learned behavior and then acting to correct the crooked shit in order to make things the way it's supposed to be. I'm gradually finding out which one of those persons I am by self realization and who I purported to be by others with little or no additional thought given to what makes me who I am.

Living among anger and confusion will only make you angry and confused, distracting you from what you were really put here to do, leaving your imprint with no impact.

I'm starting to relate with that last statement.


Big Mark 243 said...

I am trying not to jump in with my nonsense on everyone journal. It isn't like I have answers myself. But there are a few things I wouldn't mind speaking on.

Signal corp, eh? RATT platoon cat? I remember those characters. Did my 71L10 there and held up walls at the Cadence Club on post. Went on my merry military way from there. Daps to your service ...

Journey of a thousand miles begins with but the first step. When I left my then fiancee, I had projected that it would take 18 - 24 months for me to get myself back online. This did NOT include the 6 1/2 months of prep before I actually left her. It is going to take a while, bruh.

Many times, it is the road that is the goal, not the goal itself. You know how they get those greyhound motivated to chase that rabbit, with the mission set to prove who is the fastest greyhound? In the dog's mind, the goal is to catch the rabbit (work with me a little), but what happens along the way is REALLY what it is about, finding out who is the fastest.

So you have objective. Then you have accomplishment. Occasionally they are both, but not always. That is why you watch for 'mission creep', where things seem to be going well, and then you start to try to put different stuff on your list, things that not only are unrelated to your goal, but will be unrelated to the things you accomplished.

Small set backs, challenges are supposed to be met and dealt with. They are to be overcome and test how badly you want 'this', whatever is your goal. I remember when Ray Leonard broke my heart, catching and pounding Tommy Hearns in the 14th round. I read in some boxing magazine where Ray said something to the effect of, "You got to want it bad enough." Even if I don't have that right, that is something you keep close to you when stuff gets tight. And that doesn't get influenced by anything or anyone but YOU.

Don't know what your wife told you, but what do YOU want? Not supposed to start a war unless you are sure of outcome, and you don't go around asking questions you don't want the answer to. If you do, OWN THAT, and move on towards your goal.

The answer may have been on the path, or it may not have. Doesn't matter, because it is now. Time to drive on, and keep going.

A lot of this, looking from your last statement, is stuff you know deep down ... not that it is buried, but that the answer on the surface runs deep so you know that is true.

Since you dropped Slick Rick, and if you read my journal, you are likely to catch stuff from EVERYONE, but especially the Black Sheep. This one, is courtesy of the Jungle Bros., because you said:

There are those that know that they only have that one shot and do whatever it takes to make life worth it, there are others that continue to question their own situation, doing nothing to solve their problems and those that seem lost in life and end up drowning in it, making life a wasted resource awarded by The Creator to the absolute wrong person.

Now, the Jay Beez had a lyric that went, "You don't know if there'll be any more, so come girl [sic] what you waiting for?" So if you are thinking you ain't with that person, then WHAT are you waiting for?

But I get the feeling that you think you are. I think that you are as well, simply based on her willingness to take this journey with you. As many times as I have thought I was the head of a relationship, a leader, only to find out that I was just campin', I would say that you have something that money can't buy, and no sense of anything can replace.

Big Mark 243 said...

If you say to yourself, 'Dag, I wish I had a good relationship', then you owe her and YOURSELF to find out if y'all can make it. Personally, I think it will haunt you if you don't. You miss every shot you don't take, and you lose every game you don't close out on the 3 point shooter (man, that Jameer Nelson thing in game 4 is still hard to swallow!).

I know you don't know me, and I don't know you. But I am deep into the 'vibe' of people and things. So I want the best for you. Stick to the path, and in spite of obstacles, go after what you want.

That is why it is THE ROAD, that is the goal. Be cool.

♥ CG ♥ said...

The last statement definitely sums up what I believe is at the heart of many people's frustrations. Anger and confusion may knock but really need an invitation to do their dirty work. I've been on both sides of those emotions and I must say that my life is a whole lot less complicated when I make a conscious effort not to get wrapped up in things that won't be changed by my anger or other reactions. I tend to think that nothing worth having comes without some form of headache and labor. Hang in there, everything will work out :-).

Aly Cat 121 said...

If folks ain't honest with THEMSELVES then they surely can't be honest with NOBODY else. Love starts from within and then works its way out. . . I don't know if that got ANYTHING to do with your post, I'm just saying. *chuckle*