Looking At Relationships... Seriously

I am at a crossroads as to whether I can actually be in a healthy relationship at this point in my life. I have to be open and honest with how I feel about trying to share myself with someone even though I'm still trying to find out who I am and what my purpose on this plane of existence really is. I sit up all night thinking about who I am and where exactly I'm supposed to be and how is affects folks in the positive or negative and I can't figure that shit out for anything right now. My mind is so clouded right now and I can't seem to clear it out and focus on one thing. I really need to think about where I am with relationships right now because it's of utmost importance that I find where I'm supposed to be. I owe it to myself and others to know where I'm supposed to be.

Right now I'm in my weakest moment physically, emotionally and mentally, realizing that there are parts of me that will never recover from my most recent injuries, the damage that having diabetes has caused over the past ten years and of course all the stupid stuff I indulged in as a younger man, that stuff being eating, contact sports, blue collar work and of course alcohol, and not in that particular order. It indeed takes a toll. I accepted that I'll need to medicate, meditate and moderate in order to be some of the things my woman needs me to be. I realize that I'll also have to stand still and plant roots somewhere because most sisters need her man to be an anchor so things can get done. I also realize that my earning potential is under scrutiny and being 36... Shit, I better sell a few books and CDs because me jumping into a retirement plan ain't the answer.

Time for that side hustle.

I stopped running from my relationship problems a long time ago. I did try to hide my shit in an attempt to be function like normal folk so I can have what other people have. Not that I hid my emotions to that particular sister, in fact I think I've been a little too forthcoming with em'. I tried to be there for all of life's ups and downs while handling my own shit internally. Some of that major stuff I shared as to not come off as distant and non trustworthy.

That shit didn't work.

Either I pushed folks away or got smoked out in some aspect by folks that obviously didn't want anything to do with a dysfunctional cat such as myself. The painful part is how folks pull out on your ass when things starts getting hot. I got my head spun a couple of times and it changed the way I interact with folks seeming to be sincere with their actions and panning for my affection.

So much for folks accepting you for who you are. That shit about folks being accepting to gain one's favor and build on trust over time is soooo damn false.

"Fell in love with this fish who got caught in my mesh
But yo she burned my scene up like David Koresh
I guess a diamond ain't nothing but a rock with a name
I guess love ain't nuttin but emotion and game
It's a lesson well learned so praise is well due..."

Dave of De La Soul - Itzoweezee

"There was a lovely lady who's intent I thought I had on Rosa Parks
But her ex came to town and took back her heart
And she left me standing silly in the dark with a mic
Caught up in expressions
and learning lessons of depression
Sometimes it seems I can't connect with female beings
To my little Aya-Mo when she having them dreams
And her facial gleams are sweet, but soon to switch to bitter
cause when she reaches sixteen she'll be considered a piece of meat
Not a treat but a trick to sex in showers
People kick last days, we in the last hours
Minutes and seconds, I reckon it won't be long
til recorded ways of striving will be dead and gone
But this loss coming through despite who try to see me
These brothers are too hard, sisters are too easy
Sleazy..."

Posdnous of De La Soul - Stakes Is High (remix)

So these days I try to keep my shit guarded like them shiny coins stowed away at Fort Knox. I blame myself for kinda' knowing in advance that I'll get burned in the long run and I kick myself for putting myself right back into the same pot of boiling bullshit I just stepped out of. But for some strange reason I keep trying. I keep wanting to go there because I know that I can be accepted for who I am and not looked at as a commodity or better yet, a shield and storage facility for someone else's emotional garbage with them not wanting to sift thru it themselves while not letting me sift thru mine.

I hold out hope that I'll run into someone that'll put up with my ass and find a way to intertwine my levels of dysfunction with hers. The thing is, I kinda like living nomad style, so being in one place just doesn't do it for me. I have to travel and be in new places, do new stuff. Interact with new(er) folks. You know, out there fellowshipping. Not that I'm running from anything, I just like all of the moving around I do and to find someone that likes to move with you is damn near impossible.

So I noticed that a brother that likes to bounce around the planet, doesn't want children, looks at marriage as a major cause of dysfunction in today's society and likes to keep himself guarded isn't so sought after, but I still hold out hope. All I gotta do when I find her is see if I can really extend my trust in her direction. That's the hard part. It seems like every time I wanna give up the combination to the safe something is either said or done that makes me retreat and raises my eyebrow in suspicion and lowers my expectations in frustration.

But there are some signs out here that make me think.

I hear every single one of y'all. I am appreciative of your concern and words. I'm most appreciative that y'all stumbled thru my ramblings and such and read all of that stuff, that's major. We'll make it thru. We have no choice now do we? I hope to somehow shake a hand or give a hug to every one of y'all someday. I knew I wasn't alone... Knowing that makes me chuckle... Just a little.

Heh, I just chuckled.

How Hassan Got To Houston

That's right, I live here.

Lock, stock and all smoking barrels.

So how in the blue hell did I end up here? I knew something was wrong when I clocked a fever over 100 last Monday during the physical for the new job. Everything else was off too. I had what I thought was just a chest cold until that point. Although I had difficulty breathing and felt a little woozy, I never would have thought at all the climate change from Chicago to Atlanta to Houston would do me in.

It did.

So I sat there, my new coordinator pouting at the fact that I couldn't get on the road until I got clearance from a doctor, and me pouting, now knowing that within all of this movement, the packing and travelling, the flying and the wearing of the clothes (or lack thereof) damn near killed me. Funny, as a diabetic I have enhanced knowledge of some sorts of sick. This episode went right over my head. I mean, I didn't feel like I had pneumonia but I knew something was wrong.

I'm too good to wash out of the program, and the health thing was a setback only in the area of finance. I had planned on buying some new Apple branded products in the next month and without a salary, that's impossible to do. I was told to go home and recoup, to get well, bring a doctor's note and then I can have my assignment of alone. Once I healed up, I could run all over this country like a chicken with his head cut off. I agreed, then I reneged.

I have no home to go to.

I had made for damn sure that when I got back to Chicago that I would not plant roots. I broke so-called friendships and blew up bridges in an effort to not be home in that place. All I wanted when I returned back in October was to make Chicago temporary sanctuary until I got my shoulder fixed. I got medicated, rehabbed and took a small, non-impact position back in cubicle hell to keep the drinks coming. I did that, made a come-up on this new independent contractor assignment, threw away more stuff with plans on living out of bags full of portable hard drives and memory cards. I pulled the plug on being anywhere in Chicago, and for a moment in time Monday afternoon, I had to think about where I needed to go to lay my head.

Some of you may have a friend in Jesus, I have a friend in Houston.

I didn't even know if the company would pay my way here but they did, and I'm here now getting plenty of rest, breaking fevers and looking to getting back on the road. Thing is, I never expected to be here beyond a visit or eight. I never expected to like this place as far as living is concerned. I never expected to be kissed by the sun like this...

I like this place, and I can get used to being here if need be. That depends on my friend. I still have the hunger and the urge to set up shop in Atlanta, and at this point I'm sticking to my original plan. I'm just glad that I had Houston to come to. I'll get to the ATL, I might just need a moving truck when I make those plans to get there. As for the now, I'm better, most of the congestion is gone from my lungs and I actually had enough energy this weekend to go see 300. Even though I have a friend here, that friend has a life and other commitments, so a lot of stuff done so far in Houston has been done dolo. Alone. It's cool though. I need to explore things for myself anyway.