A Year Ago This Weekend...

This time last year I made it back to Chicago after trying to re-establish myself in Houston, Texas.

Things didn't work out like I wanted them to.

I just wanted to get on my feet and find a way to fall in love with the new, Southwestern me, but I realized after struggling to find my place, working as an insider in Uncle Tom's Cabin (Shell Oil, damn big oil), and trying to avoid a relationship I wasn't trying to have because I didn't know who I was or what my role was... Was a lot of work.

I broke a promise and never looked back weeks after getting back here to Chicago, but I had no clue I'd be here, right now.

Happy.

And married.

What the fuck? I got married back in December.


I heard the stories. I read the complaints. I heard my name in the mouths of many a brown blogger that I was some man whore, hell bent on screwing at least one third of the female population via my big rig. That I traveled to Houston under false pretenses and broke some young woman's heart when I abruptly left her high and dry... Wow, I wish I could have had the heart to have been half that dude because it seemed like he was having fun.

That dude wasn't me, and I never complained about that. Still ain't gonna'.

I wish I was getting the ass some said I was getting on my escapades. I would have had some great tales of conquest to tell, but... It didn't go down like that for me in Houston, in Salt Lake City or while I was on the road.

I made mistakes in 2007, I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be and I corrected that mistake a year ago this weekend.

I never knew that the woman who would be my wife would be in Chicago and that we would have the adventures we had that led up to us falling in love and getting married in Vegas. She had been someone that I had flirted with since 2005 and someone I could call friend. All of that friend shit went out of the window when she just so happened to be in Chicago when I was coming off the road. That weekend, those moments and that first kiss...

Yeah, I was sold on dating her from that point, but never did I know that we would be all up in Home Depot a year later looking at paint swatches for the bedrooms and moving furniture into our second living room (it's a compound, I tell ya, just enough space to get away from each other when we ain't in love).

I left Houston pretty much the way I came: confused and directionless. Even though I got an incredible offer of employment that came out of nowhere (because the job I wanted called me at the last minute and told me they didn't want me) I still had no clue what would be in store for me when I got back to Chicago.

The person I had confidence in straight flipped on me and opened up to me after I left and then a few weeks later spoke to the folks investigating me for the job I got in Chicago last year. Did you know that prevented me from getting the security clearance I needed for the job and I lost out on a shitload of salary and bonuses that I was going to use to compensate that person, and I ended up not getting that position and ended up with a lesser paying one and damn near lost that one because I needed that damn security clearance?

I'm not angry about that anymore, but that did cause me to get as angry as I have been since my drinking days in the Army. I even plotted to go back to Texas and confront folks over that but my money was funny and then I decided to break my promise to them and with the help of my brother, best friend and dad I just walked away and left that shit alone.

And a few weeks later I was running around Chicago with... My wife.

And it kept happening. And then we created the patented (pending) Hassan Traveling/Shacking System

Midwest
West Coast
Midwest
West Coast

Labor Day came, and then She was with the fam at Thanksgiving, and we were driving down I-5 to places unknown in Southern Oregon for Sunday Brunch and then days later we were on Michigan Avenue downtown Chicago...

And now a year later and damn near a year married here I am.

In the time that I traveled back to Chicago I thought I was falling back in love with the city because I missed all of the events, people and atmosphere it had to offer but that wasn't it.

I was falling in love with myself.

And then I was able to fall in love with her.

And then we brought it together here in Chicago. She surprised me when she found a job here and said to me: "Let's go home"

I never thought it was possible for me to find myself, find my love and find a home here in this place, all in the span of one year. I thought it was impossible.

Now I know that nothing is impossible.


Husband, Homeowner and Hunter-Gatherer

I never knew that could be me. What a year.

Post # 344: Do You Know The Way Home?

So I've been back in Texas since Monday.

I didn't have to go in but I went straight to work from the airport, bags and all that day. My boss had already prepared for my absence by having two floaters on the ready and let me know when I was hanging out in Cincinnati waiting to get on the smallest jet ever.

So I work a partial day Monday and had Tuesday and Wednesday off, making yesterday my 'Monday'. I would have rather worked thru but I do not control my schedule. I'm glad I had those days off because all I could do is sleep off last weeks activities. All I really did was spend time with my brother for most of the week, spend an equal amount of time with my play sister and her son and my real sister and her family who was packing the house and was actually offered a ride back to Texas.

In between that I drove some friends to Wisconsin and went on a shopping excursion there, convinced a few folks to go to the Taste Of Chicago and the African-Caribbean Festival Of Life (both big events to me, went to the Fest twice) and got a chance to hang out (for like 3 days - we hit the lake front, hung out in a dark ass beer garden at odd hours of the night/morning and chilled over chili at his spot) with a close friend I haven't had a chance to hang out with in damn near 2 years. I got a chance to meet his other half and also introduced him to my home girl Millz who is an artist like he is. Here's to hoping that they mash up and do something that hangs in a gallery someday.

I hung out with my Pops Saturday and walked my ass of thru my old neighborhood (even went condo shopping and did a couple of interviews) and spent my Sunday night in my old park until the cops came and asked us to leave. I saw Transformers 3 times and probably slept that whole week between the hours of 4 to 7 am, so When I got back to Houston all I could do Tuesday and Wednesday was crash and regroup. And think about my place in the grand scheme of things.

You all know what towing the line or maintaining the status quo is, right?

Well, when I got back and got into the swing of things here in Texas the line hit me in the head and I think someone pinned the stat quo sign on me like back in the seventh grade. I realize that I'm being tolerated here and if I weren't already embedded in different ways, shapes and forms in Houston, it would have been expected for me to stay in Chicago. When I got back to work, folks were all smiles and conversational just like my boss said they'd be because she spoke with the fools that have beef with me during my absence.

All other aspects of being here is definitely folks and myself maintaining the status quo. And I know that ain't a good thing because it's hurting people. I am waiting for that moment where shit just builds up and the explosion of exclusion happens, so I prep for it by quietly throwing away unnecessary things and streamlining my belongings to make my transition easier. Because I spent a grip on plane tix, rental cars and such, I need to maintain this line for just a little while. Based on looks, non-looks and body language, I don't have much time.

I know that I need to move on in order for other folks to get on with their lives, and me coming back really feels like I took a step back in a sense. My original plan was to get to Chicago and stay there, but the job prospect wanted me to clear a few red tape hurdles effectively killing that plan. My plan on getting 'home' is not dead though. I think I can right all of the wrongs I caused by coming here to Houston in due time.

Things are cool because I have faith in myself to do what's right and be where I'm supposed to be. To quote another blogger:

"But, that's just not the only thing that's got me feeling all complex and tangled and stuff. I got some decisions to make that actually affect my entire circle. Ultimately it's my life but, when you go through life you have to know that your choices affect others. Sometimes its good and other times it is positive. But it affects people.

I realize that sometimes I can get so lost in my own stuff that I let people fall to the wayside. I am so sorry to my family(you know who you are) if you feel like I haven't been there. Or, I am not listening but I am listening. I am here, so I will be looking for the call or email."

That's a Deep In Thought Moment. Take time to get over there and read her when you get a chance. Those 2 paragraphs fit me to a tee today.

So the remaining time I have here in Houston will be dedicated to doing what I think is the right thing, and that is going 'home'. Chicago hasn't been good to me and my family is dysfunctional as hell, but I think it's the right thing to do in going back and being there in the interim. I plan on getting back into a truck (sacrificing rent and house bills to pay for publishing and distribution) late summer/fall and basing myself out of someplace familiar, and Chicago is exactly that. Familiar.

Plus, I get to be close to my dad (we seem to be growing closer, imagine that) and although I have no relationship with my Mother, I hope to get to the day that we can have dialogue. I hate being so far away not being in contact. I won't be mad if something happens while I'm away and we're not talking, we've already made that choice, I would be mad if things aren't handled correctly. So I'd rather do that in life than in sickness and death, ya dig?

I found my mojo in the park on the South Side of Chicago. I pray it's still there waiting on me when I return.

Reach

I done messed up...
I done messed up badly

It doesn't come to me any more

I'm stuck

It's all my fault

I've fallen behind and now I'm sinking.
It's not a bad thing yet
and I'm not angry about it
I just have to do something

I have to reach

By doing this things have to be destroyed,
reconfigured
It will be rebuilt
I must reach out and grab it before I
permanently lose it because it's going

I don't know what I'll do if I become
lost, it got so dark so quickly and now I
have to find my way.
I feel my way through but I seem to have
lost the hand that was guiding me
If I lose that there is no saving grace
But all is not lost.

I have a contingency

In my mind is the indelible image of
where I am to become
In the depths of my racing thoughts is the one
slow moving and stable process that will
save my soul
Embedded in my heart are the orders and
constructs that direct to rebuild the I
that is me thus saving my soul from an
eternity of fraud, waste and abuse

All I have to do is reach for it
All I have to do is capture it

All I must do is refocus all of my
energies and not be afraid to hold it in
my hand, it will edify my soul

Just the thought of it has given me hope,
but I know I must destroy

somethings
some places
dependency on

some people

But I done messed up
I messed up badly

I became stuck
Motionless

I became muddled in the mundane, stifled
in the stickiness of a frozen mind state.
I became what I tried to avoid in this, the
second act of my life

I became one of them and now I am ashamed of what I've become

I transformed into the trivial, morphed
into non-matter and became aloof in my
selfishness

I almost missed my call

I was moments away from ignoring the
voices... Those who have guided me and
kept me honest with self and the universe.
I nearly missed the jolt that jump started
my comrades into cultural jihad by simply
standing

in the wrong place

I'm not supposed to be here
I'm not supposed to be here
I'm not supposed to be here in this place right now

I have not received a single transmission
because my latitude and longitude does
not register on the wavelength of the
rebel transmission

I done messed up and now I must gather my
items, pack my tent and stuff my knapsack

and travel towards the sound


All is not lost, for I have a contingency
I just need to


reach

recapture

refocus


And be where I am of most use to the
omnipotent and serve out my days as
his
hers
their


Apostle


By fixing this mess and putting myself in the right place.

2007 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo, ya dig?