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Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Friday, July 13, 2007

Post # 344: Do You Know The Way Home?

So I've been back in Texas since Monday.

I didn't have to go in but I went straight to work from the airport, bags and all that day. My boss had already prepared for my absence by having two floaters on the ready and let me know when I was hanging out in Cincinnati waiting to get on the smallest jet ever.

So I work a partial day Monday and had Tuesday and Wednesday off, making yesterday my 'Monday'. I would have rather worked thru but I do not control my schedule. I'm glad I had those days off because all I could do is sleep off last weeks activities. All I really did was spend time with my brother for most of the week, spend an equal amount of time with my play sister and her son and my real sister and her family who was packing the house and was actually offered a ride back to Texas.

In between that I drove some friends to Wisconsin and went on a shopping excursion there, convinced a few folks to go to the Taste Of Chicago and the African-Caribbean Festival Of Life (both big events to me, went to the Fest twice) and got a chance to hang out (for like 3 days - we hit the lake front, hung out in a dark ass beer garden at odd hours of the night/morning and chilled over chili at his spot) with a close friend I haven't had a chance to hang out with in damn near 2 years. I got a chance to meet his other half and also introduced him to my home girl Millz who is an artist like he is. Here's to hoping that they mash up and do something that hangs in a gallery someday.

I hung out with my Pops Saturday and walked my ass of thru my old neighborhood (even went condo shopping and did a couple of interviews) and spent my Sunday night in my old park until the cops came and asked us to leave. I saw Transformers 3 times and probably slept that whole week between the hours of 4 to 7 am, so When I got back to Houston all I could do Tuesday and Wednesday was crash and regroup. And think about my place in the grand scheme of things.

You all know what towing the line or maintaining the status quo is, right?

Well, when I got back and got into the swing of things here in Texas the line hit me in the head and I think someone pinned the stat quo sign on me like back in the seventh grade. I realize that I'm being tolerated here and if I weren't already embedded in different ways, shapes and forms in Houston, it would have been expected for me to stay in Chicago. When I got back to work, folks were all smiles and conversational just like my boss said they'd be because she spoke with the fools that have beef with me during my absence.

All other aspects of being here is definitely folks and myself maintaining the status quo. And I know that ain't a good thing because it's hurting people. I am waiting for that moment where shit just builds up and the explosion of exclusion happens, so I prep for it by quietly throwing away unnecessary things and streamlining my belongings to make my transition easier. Because I spent a grip on plane tix, rental cars and such, I need to maintain this line for just a little while. Based on looks, non-looks and body language, I don't have much time.

I know that I need to move on in order for other folks to get on with their lives, and me coming back really feels like I took a step back in a sense. My original plan was to get to Chicago and stay there, but the job prospect wanted me to clear a few red tape hurdles effectively killing that plan. My plan on getting 'home' is not dead though. I think I can right all of the wrongs I caused by coming here to Houston in due time.

Things are cool because I have faith in myself to do what's right and be where I'm supposed to be. To quote another blogger:

"But, that's just not the only thing that's got me feeling all complex and tangled and stuff. I got some decisions to make that actually affect my entire circle. Ultimately it's my life but, when you go through life you have to know that your choices affect others. Sometimes its good and other times it is positive. But it affects people.

I realize that sometimes I can get so lost in my own stuff that I let people fall to the wayside. I am so sorry to my family(you know who you are) if you feel like I
haven't been there. Or, I am not listening but I am listening. I am here, so I will be looking for the call or email."

That's a Deep In Thought Moment. Take time to get over there and read her when you get a chance. Those 2 paragraphs fit me to a tee today.

So the remaining time I have here in Houston will be dedicated to doing what I think is the right thing, and that is going 'home'. Chicago hasn't been good to me and my family is dysfunctional as hell, but I think it's the right thing to do in going back and being there in the interim. I plan on getting back into a truck (sacrificing rent and house bills to pay for publishing and distribution) late summer/fall and basing myself out of someplace familiar, and Chicago is exactly that. Familiar.

Plus, I get to be close to my dad (we seem to be growing closer, imagine that) and although I have no relationship with my Mother, I hope to get to the day that we can have dialogue. I hate being so far away not being in contact. I won't be mad if something happens while I'm away and we're not talking, we've already made that choice, I would be mad if things aren't handled correctly. So I'd rather do that in life than in sickness and death, ya dig?

I found my mojo in the park on the South Side of Chicago. I pray it's still there waiting on me when I return.

13 comments:

Luke Cage said...

I would say that the dormant mojo out there in the southside of ChiTown is merely waiting for its owner to reclaim it.

Think about the wonderful thing that awaits you there. Your dad, and promise for the future. The part where you mentioned that you'll be basing oneself straight out from somewhere familiar seems to be just the ticket to get you kick started and on your way.

You're trusting your gut feeling and just doing it. With fluidity and all. May the future live up to it's expectations of promise on the horizon brotha Hassan.

Gallis said...

I think if you want to go back, you should. But I'm erring on the more superficial side, weighing up a Texas winter versus a Michigan one. LOL!

Still, sounds like you don't have much in the Huz to keep you warm anyway.

Beana said...

its nice to see u finding ya way. Nothing ever in life feels like home.

Little Brown Girl said...

Nothing tighter then a Black Man with a Plan!! Do your thing Dude...

The Brown Blogger said...

I am a work in progress. I will never claim to have it all or have a solid plan because it changes on the daily.

All I'm trying to do is find peace, creativity and a place to call home if that's possible.

I am at my most creative and successful when I am alone and am engulfed in strategy. It may seem otherwise, but I become a product of my enviornment, and although there is some hate being thrown my way and I do (not going to say hate, although...) dislike Houston, it's the comfort level that has never been here.

I'm a visitor, and I've overstayed my welcome and i know this, so I gotta hustle to get back to square one, even if it is Chicago. I don't like it, but at least I can get comfy. I might find myself in the process.

Anonymous said...

Wow...
So these looks, non-looks and body language are telling you a lot.
But let me ask you, Have you actually talked with the people you feel are giving you these vibes? Hung out with them and chatted with them during one of those prime time specials and whatnot?
Checked out their work day and commented on their daily musings/issues/ramblings?
Talked about something in their city that you actually liked once in a while?
It almost seems as if there has been nothing good about your being in the dirty, dirty.
honestly if you want to go back to Chicago then you should. But it should not be based on your perceptions (and they are indeed perceptions) of the people around you.

You quoted another blogger in this post saying that you

"realize that sometimes I can get so lost in my own stuff that I let people fall to the wayside."

Think to yourself how often "sometimes" is and how often the "same people/person" keeps getting left by the wayside by you. No matter where we go our shit follows us if we dont really deal with it and that is internal not external.

It seems evident that You are CERTAINLY not the only person with faith in YOU, as is evident by virtue of the fact that you do/did have a soft place to land in Texas.

That being said, you definitely should get yourself to a comfortable place, I think that is wonderful that you have a support system both South and Midwest that allows for this kind of self discovery and exploration both mental and physical, we should all be so fortunate.

just my unsolicited 2 cents

T. S. Snowden said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

GO HOME...

CHi town is where you wanna be...so do that!!

Aly Cat 121 said...

Dayum my azz can't move to the next city good and still find a decent hair stylist, how do you move to another state and find work? I guess that means that I must really not be cut out for "workin" HA! *chuckle to self*

princessdominique said...

Do your thing, definitely. I'm just glad that you're moving in the direction that you need to. Maybe things will change for you there altogether. Keep me posted.

DivineLavender said...

The gates are always open here in da city. The best place on earth...you know to button up when the hawk bites your arse. We all live and adjust, come on back.

Anonymous said...

I love Chicago, do what your gut tells you..

deepnthought said...

WELL. I know now that someone other than my nana actually reads my post. lol.

I think you should really listen to your head and do what it takes to get to your destiny. It is your destiny and purpose that must be fulfilled. h