Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno



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Friday, May 19, 2006

Rambling.... About the love thing

This love thang ain't easy. Ain't supposed to be. I'm kind of glad to be in the position that I'm in being single and all, but sometimes I can't get past some of the situations I've been in as far as that love thang is concerned.

So I'm thinking good thoughts, going back in time in my mind thinking about some of the good times had and good qualities of the women that were brave enough to call themselves my other half, and then...

Hold up
Wait a minute...

That was some lame ass shit.

No, not the fact that you:
really didn't love me/left me for someone else/couldn't get your way/found out that I was broke and not worth marrying/didn't want children/cold and baron/just plain evil/worshiped the damn devil...

Nah, it was none of that. It was the fact that you were lazy in your attempt to make the love thang work and just stopped trying at some point, leaving me to do all of the damn work in trying. From the point where you just didn't give a fuck, you wasted my time and yours.

And for that, you suck.
Now I'm mot talking about all of em', just a few (and there have only been a few regardless of what Eash says) and now I'm disappointed in the fact that I was either too happy to be in that love groove, too mad at that person over some petty shit or too in love to notice that I was getting emotionally played. Case in point:

I met this woman at work. Okay, I really didn't know her at the time but I admired her from a distance. She was older than me and I knew she was probably a parent (and I have this rule to not date women with children... my rule, not yours), but I didn't care about that. She seemed intriguing enough for me to get to know. Things were busy and I never got that chance to ask her out for a drink when suddenly a friend of hers was playing love monkey so I played along. Glad I did.

Conversation was refreshing, she has views and opinions of an intelligent, hard working sister. She was a transplant to Chicago, and hadn't gotten that chance to get around (here's where I play tour guide) and she hasn't been in a relationship in a few years and I peaked her interest. I was impressed. By the way, did I mention that she was tall and damn sexy? That's how she caught my eye.

We dated. We grew close and I even met the kids after my trial period ended. We interacted and did not let it affect or compromise our work. Everything got better and then of course we hit bumpy parts. We stick it out and now our families are interacting without our input. I'm loving the fact that someone is mature enough to do what is right for the sake of happiness of each other and ourselves.

We got a year in and then... it fell off. I lost a few family members in succession and she was there to get my back as I played everyman and did a lot of stuff for and with family. I broke down in front of her after an exhausting 3 week stint of family/work/friendship/relationship duty and revealed to her that I was feeling weak and didn't know if I could keep up the pace of being all things to a lot of people. She played the role confidently and comforted me and a few weeks later, she got lazy with it.

Translation: Don't wanna be with your stank ass... But I ain't gonna say something.

Too afraid to tell me that she didn't want to go any further and unsure of what was to come, she did tell me that she expected to be my wife and have my children, and I actually wanted that. I was weeks from purchasing an engagement ring when she sprung that she was going back home to visit her family and would return blah blah blah blah...

I knew that she was coming back, but not to me.

I suffered thru weeks of ill contact, unsure feelings and actions and bad conversations and time spent. Thing is, she still showed up to the spot, we still went out and had dinner/dancing/movies etc. There were still intimate moments shared and emotions expressed because we were conditioned to do the love thang, but there was no love.

As I look at things in retrospect, I see that some folks still want the milk even though they traded in the cow. Laziness. I see the opportunities to have had things set straight and get loose, but sometimes people won't even try which blocked my blessings.

It's good though... I still have great memories and thangs...

Not as many as I thought when it comes to her though.

(sigh)

How many lazy ass loves have you had?
Isn't there a responsibility to those you pledge the holy alliance to to set them free if you ain't feeling them?
What happened to all the contact?
The phone calls?
Texting?
Just showing up to a family member's home before you do?
Why are we still having sex if you ain't feeling me?
Oh, I get it... you still wanna slide down the scrippa pole and feel that...
Why do people blow their chance to break free without shame, embarrassment and the police not being called?
Do we need the unnecessary drama?

It doesn't matter what I think... Or at least it seems that way

I feel like I'm back up in here... Yeah.

Another verbal assault by The Brown Blogger at 5/19/2006 07:00:00 AM 0 spoke on it

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Whatever Man

Whatever man, I guess things are fine here somewhat:

_______________________________________________________________
Going back to Atlanta to sit on the other side of the desk and do the dance in a few weeks.


Will definately be out east for the Brooklyn Hip Hop Festival. June, baby. Already cleared my calender.

Writing for the album is going well, seeing that I'm writing again. Feels good.

Been hooking up some serious poetic shorts as of late. I got inspiration/ Doubt me?

Check this:



This is all about you.

I'll tell you how just thinking of you creates a presence in the spirit which guides me to compose words expressing what excites me about your shape and form

Scribe thoughts on how you stimulate the mental and how I look forward to the present tense of converse

The ones from the past still invade my thoughts so I have fodder for later

How I lay narrative descriptive will be reminiscent of your flow. I twist and and shape the verbal to match the curvature that peaks from the small your back. I mix adverbs and pronouns that equals the thickness of your thighs, roll conjunctions between composed phrases that are in tune with the sound of your voice

we harmonize

I plow and sew seeds of things future in painting with the color of your soul. Vibration is created using resonance of the morning moan that joyously haunts me. Because it repeats over and over and over and over it causes me to overstand the fact that I am the man that fits into that space that needs that soulful chocolate void both filled and fulfilled

Others have tried, but it is life's equivalent of pounding square pegs in circular orifices, it just won't fit. My verbs lubricate a spiritual insertion, sliding into all that is you not in one moment, but in multiple spaces places and times causing our lotus-chakras to sync and compose a melodic joyful noise repeated

Every time in the company of each other

I photograph you with the patience and confidence of an artisan, making sure I gather enough of your light to expose your aura for the world to see. You shine enough to guide my eyes to the correct place. I admire the smooth and the soft, appreciate the askew and watch with time how age does not take you away, but provides me deeper overstanding

My sketches on paper are guided by powerful memories of your subtle yet meaningful presence. You calm the waters in my sea of disgruntled Blackman. At times your nurturing spirit fuels my dark warrior but in every moment I feel the need to be selfish and overprotect, hiding your brilliant light from the world that definitely needs to see where kingdoms of perfect emanate.

Composition has no meaning without you as my muse. I create formless abstract pieces of nothing if I cannot hear you speak. I am inspired to sit and exist in nothingness if your scent does not arouse my senses. Everything becomes nothing when you are not around. I can't breathe and it gets dark...

I need to create.

Help me birth my babies...


See, I told you, it's about you

Copyright 2006 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo

sho nuff ' - ya dig?



Decided to quit jobs 2 and 3. I now have nothing to do with my sleepless evenings and the crack of dawns ass. Don't worry, I just hit careerbuilder and sent off about 9 requests for some 3rd shift work. Basic stuff. Programming or network monitoring.

Called APD and decided that I want to be a cop again. Hey, cool uniform, good pension and decent pay. Whatever man.

I miss my peoples, son.

I wrote a real short short poem and had this idea... You'll like the finished product(s).

Cycled off the heart meds due to test results showing no extensive damage of my heart. Test results on my liver, kidneys and pancreas coming soon...

Saw a therapist for the 5th time in the last week. Says that nothings wrong with me mentally, so we're working on eliminating stress (the other 2 jobs, certain family/loved ones, saying no, getting sleep). He convinced me to eliminate excessive things and take time for myself. Learned breating techniques as taught by Dr. Andrew Weil. It's working. No meds, blood pressure is normalizing and blood sugars are back at normal levels.

Time to fast... I gotta find a 21 day window.

Also time to get that spot in Atlanta. I'm giving myself 90-120 days to rid myself of the stresses of Chicago. I love this place, but I think I've blown my wad here.

I feel good.

Maybe cause' I came into some money...

Another verbal assault by The Brown Blogger at 5/17/2006 09:39:00 PM 0 spoke on it

Monday, May 15, 2006

Myo-My... What a week

Okay, where do I start? It started last week when I got into a one sided argument and didn't respond. I got the worst voicemail that one can ever get.

I still didn't respond, but I wanted to destroy something.

Something.

I went out ran into a cat that reminded me of an friend that had me studying all kinds of things in the spirit, Judeo/Christian/Muslim. I was invited to a study class on Sunday. I was headed over to Mom's house anyway, so I stopped by. In the hour or so I was there I learned a lot and my thirst for the truth was reawakened. I made a vow to both the teacher and Umi that I would become a regular attendee... I will.

I still didn't return the voicemail.

Something happened that weekend that I didn't acknowledge. I couldn't breathe correctly and I had problems seeing straight. I didn't tell anyone. I also drank with my brother, best friend and new friend. Didn't tell them either. I should have.

I made it thru the weekend.

Monday came and went, but I felt like I was performing in a vacuum all day. Something was different, but I just didn't know what. I was not in the same place. For those of you that don't know, I have 3 jobs. If you're a card player, I'd call em' 2 and a possible. Tuesday morning came and I went to job # 2 (3am - 8am). I got the job done and was on the way to job # 1 (8:30am - 4:45pm). I didn't make it past 11:30.

I IM'ed my manager and told her that I needed some air. I was hot but the office was cold and drafty. I raised myself from my desk and left my office. I went to an unoccupied part of the building and tried to breathe. I couldn't. My chest tightened, It got a little brighter and I started thinking "why is my life flashing in front of my eyes?" I couldn't comprehend. This lasted 15 minutes, maybe 20. No air, thoughts racing, knees buckling, tightness in the chest, blurred vision. I made my way back to my spot after I thought that I had it together, but as I sat down in my chair I sank in the leather and couldn't regain posture. I tested my blood sugars:


shit... 380. Too damn high.

wait, I haven't eaten...

I just got a good sweat from job #2, my sugars were low then...

what?


As I was telling my manager that I was going to go home, she and another manager were telling me to go to the hospital. They wanted to know if I could drive myself to the ER because I looked... Well, not like Hassan. That whole morning was peculiar to them and they urged that I go and get checked out. We focused on my blood sugars because that's what I told em about. I did mention the tightness, sweating and lack of breath, but that could have come from the diabetic thing as well.

I go home. I wanted to take a nap before I go to the hospital. I actually wanted to lower my sugars so they wouldn't keep me for observation. I didn't even get 15 minutes when "it" happened:

She came over

I was there

Police were called (she actually called them first when she initially saw me, like I was going to actually do something to go to the bootyhouse)... She ended up in a 'never mind' moment and asked them not to come out. I decided to call them back and have them come out in an effort to protect myself. You know. I asked dispatch to stay on the line so the incident could be recorded...). There was no incedent.

She left

Of course now that she's gone, the police came, guns drawn (the whole damn force was there, surrounded my spot) and was about to gaffle my black ass

They made me call her on my cellphone. Thank God she answered.

I got a hard pressed apology due to it being a non-incident from the cops and they left

I waited about 2 hours and went to the hospital... I knew I was in trouble when the ER nurse started escorting me back to ICU and starting asking on that calm quiet walk questions such as "how long have I had heart disease" and said that I need to fill out additional paperwork on who in my family has it, but we need to gather additional tests first.

I got all paperworked, EKG'd and bloodworked, poked, prodded and questioned and as I'm laying back after what seemed to be a bigger interrogation than when I outprocessed out of the military I heard the report being spoken to the attending ER physician:

"35 year old, overweight diabetic with family history of heart disease, blood pressure 168 over 110, sugars near 400, pulse rapid and definitive symptoms of a very recent myocardio infraction..."

All I can think is that this cannot be happening to me. I know what that terminology means. Both sides of my biological dad's whole family, my grandmother, my closest aunt, Moms, my sister... Shit. I either was having or had a heart attack.


What. The. Fuck.

I found out that I suffered my very first anxiety attack that morning and that, the stresses from working 3 jobs, a recent death, family obligations, me being Superman, a possible depression and some real hot button relationship issues as well as running around the greater Chicagoland area like a chicken with my head cut off in the last couple of months had finally taken it's toll. It's being called a 'self induced stress related anxiety incident'

That was only Tuesday.

What happened the rest of last week, shit man... You don't want to know.

Lied to

Stood up

Visiting shrinks

Damn near deadly reactions to medications

more tests

My sister leaving

Even more tests

Telling my mother all of this on Mother's Day (my swollen face and drug-induced demeanor kind of tipped that off... She asked, and 3 hours after her asking I told... What kind of gift is that?)

It's already next week. What the hell just happened to me?

Another verbal assault by The Brown Blogger at 5/15/2006 03:48:00 AM 0 spoke on it

Friday, May 12, 2006

Please Stand By

I haven't blogged or responded to blogs this week for a reason.

I'll let it all play out and then I'll have the energy to say something about it.

It's not like y'all have been stopping by anyhoo (not you Yaz, Nik and Tam).


I've been told that it gets greater later.

We'll see.


Hassan

Another verbal assault by The Brown Blogger at 5/12/2006 06:42:00 AM 0 spoke on it

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Tagged! Can I get a witness?

Nikki taggd me, so here goes... reluctantly.

Where did you live?
Home. I didn't go to a campus-based university. I attended DeVry University and communted from my apartment after re-settling in Chicago from 1993 to 1996 and again from 1997 to 98. I served inthe US Army from 88 to 93 and registered for classes while still stationed in Asia.

Who was/were your roommate(s)?
I lived alone. At the time I was attending school, my girlfriend at the time was attending Bradley University in Peoria, IL and lived on campus. I didn't see much of her, but we did burn some phone bills.

Do you still talk to them?
Nope.

Ever get in trouble in the dorms?
Not Applicable

Something you remember about when you first lived on campus?
Never lived on campus

Your campus phone number or other number:
um... this is redundant

First party attended?
...


First Bar you got wasted at?
I guess I can relate this to being in the military... Some spot in Atlantic City (did basic training in Newark), can't remember the name. I do remember renting a hotel suite with some girl I didn't even get with...


Favorite Pizza Place?
Mothers... On east side of Ft. Belvoir, VA (right outside of DC)


Favorite place to go out to eat?
Home. Nothing like battering and frying your own chicken and inviting the fellas over for spades and dominies.


Did you go to the library?
Never.


What was your Favorite Floor you'd always be on?
Not Applicable


Club, Athletics, Frat or Sororities, you joined?
Can't really say. To be one is to know one, so ask one. And quiet as kept, I do have frat brothers. I'm over 35, so it no longer matters which one, I am a Moor and not Greek. We do trade resumes, make phone calls to keep each other out of debt/jail/unemployment/keep each other's kids occupied, so the brotherhood is still intact. Somewhat.

Where did you buy your books?
used at the bookstore or borrowed from friends.

Who made the best wings?
Huh? I did.

Ever attend a sporting event?
I live in Chicago... Nuff said.


Ever attend a concert or comedic performance?
Here in the Chi? Going to see Dave Chappelle tonight.

Have you ever spent the night on campus not in your dorm hall?
I spent a few nights in a few houses with a few people... but that was a over decade and a half ago

Favorite night to go out on, and where did you go?
Sunday - Saturday, it didn't matter.


Where did you get coffee?
uh... Once again... Home.

Favorite part of Halloween?
Next Question.

Go see a play or been in one?
Once again, Chicago... Was one of the 30 audience members at the Regal Theater back in the early 90's when Tyler Perry was still struggling to sell tickets. I used to go drunk and heckle from the back.


Did you ever have a job at school?
Worked for what is now AT&T as a installer/repair technician. Got a lot of play from the ladies as I crawled on their floors installing new wiring for phone lines... Made over $60k my first year by doing overtime and working weekends. They pay time and a half over 40 hours and over 60 hours, they paid double time and a half. I milked their ass for every penny and drank most of it away.


What do you hate about your college?
That I didn't go to a campus-based university.

What did you love most about it?
Nothing. I graduated after dropping out and going back, so the experience was prolonged.

Ever leave to go on a road trip, where?
St. Louis, Detroit, NYC, Atlanta, Dallas, New Orleans, Colorado Springs, LA and DC/Baltimore

Where would you believe is the best location to live in?
The south

Graduated or still attending?
Graduated, means nothing though.


Will you go back?
No reason to, so no.

How many parking tickets have you gotten there?
Doesn't apply

Finally, ever gotten arrested?
Sure. Black man in Chicago? Uh huh.
_________________________________

"FOUR THINGS"

Four nicknames I've been given: Squirrel Head, Hans, Will, Hoss

Four movies I would watch over and over: love jones, The Matrix, Cooley High, Shaft

Four jobs that I have had in my life:
1. Real Estate Agent
2. Bank Loan Officer
3. University Admissions Advisor
4. Executive Search Recruiter

Four places I have lived: Japan, Seoul (outside of), DC, Colorado Springs

Four TV shows I like to watch: I don't have 4... sorry, not a lot of TV

Four places I have been on vacation: Hawaii, Jamaica, Phillipines, London

Four things I could NOT live without: the internet, a loaded mp3 player, a book and my right mind

Four of my favorite foods: tuna, cashews, bananas, oats

Four places I would rather be right now: away from here, by myself, pergatory, the south

Another verbal assault by The Brown Blogger at 5/09/2006 06:18:00 PM 0 spoke on it

Monday, May 08, 2006

Monday Evening 


                                                              
                                                                   
                                           
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since I have last blogged.

With the exception of that poem...

I encountered the spirit of an old friend in a new person and got invited to come
out to study which was something I used to do with my old friend back in the day
The comfort level with that new person was just as cool of a breeze as times spent
with my old study partner, birds of a feather I guess. It seems that The Creator
will call you back to unfinishsed business. To finish business. Sometimes the
person calling is different, but the words will ring familiar because that's
how he talks to you. I am being spoken to by the most high and I am so open to
listening. After showing up, obeserving and being refamiliarized with points, facts
and history that helped me gain knowledge of self enough to want to remove myself
from the matrix and exist as a member of the resistance, I knew that this was the
place I needed to be for continued study. It felt good to have facts broken down,
learning origins behind the linguistics of scripture and how it applies/how to apply
it without being preached to or being made felt less of a person due to lack of
understanding. This is how I studied back in the day. Kicking knowledge with my peers
and elders back then gave me the strength to:

Change my name/break free.
Find purpose.
Be of service.
Re-define self.
Drink to replinish my thirst.


Refreshing.

I guess I'm back as a student.


If blue is the color of steadfast, then I pray for indigo to be sprinkled in your
basket... It's deeper hue ensures that balance will keep you.

                           - I thought of that while IM'ing a friend. She's not
                             having the bestest time these days...


My week has been one total blah, work, stuff, work and more stuff. Didn't get a
chance to work on my music and I took a break from rehabbing my commercial website.
I'm thinking of throwing a bone to a third party administrator so I can have all the
bells and whistles that a site like that is suposed to have without stressing self.
I did finally get a few audio tracks uploaded to the site so folks can hear as well
as see, but I got so much more work to do though.

I'm waiting to hear from my kinfolk down south to see exactly what's going down with
my memorial day weekend plans... I would like to not be in Chicago that weekend, and
I got folks taking time off from work so that they can make the trip with me...

So I see that a lot of us have decided to blog about our cousin's plight in Darfur. I
won't. I still plan on being of service in some way, shape or form by actually
visiting the continent. I am more concerened with what's going on up the block right
now, so sue me.

How are you coping with paying $3 a gallon? It's funny because no one is actually
complaining and I'm still trying to cope all up and through here. I'm blessed to
have a nice little new German joint that's rocking damn near 30mpg in the city and 35
when I'm riding towards the sticks, but y'all know that we got a holiday coming up and it
will hit $4 a gallon right? I guess since I took a 2nd job and got a bump in salary,
I'm straight so far... To be honest, I did have to break it down:

Car payment:                          $515
Auto Insurance:                      $119
Fuel Costs/Maintenance:      $400    (It's a little over $38 per fill, and I need about
                                                   +_____   a tank   and a half per week and an extra fill on
Totals:                                       $1034    the weekend puts me  right at 4. Hundred, that is.)
                       
                
               
                

I estimated that I spend about a thousand per month before I actually did the math,
it just felt like I was losing a grip on the privilidge to drive especially when I
added my other expenses like:

Rent:                                        $750
Utilities:                                 $100
Renter's Insurance:             $75
Food/Tolietries/Etc.:           $175
Cat Care:                                $40
Phone(s):                                $115
Web Accounts:                     $30
Wireless Broadband:          $65
Loan Repayment:               $86
                                                _____
Total life expenses:            $1436

Totals With the Auto:       $2470

I need to join a monastary, this is ridiculous! I need help, y'all...

I also need to borrow $5... If you got it, I do have a paypal account.






Another verbal assault by The Brown Blogger at 5/08/2006 08:30:00 PM 0 spoke on it

Friday, May 05, 2006

In Affecting Your Choice... (An Open Letter To The Purple's Choices Awards)

It makes me restless in the middle of the night...

The look on your face as I sat across from you, vunerable and yearning for someone that cares enough to sop all of your juices...

The way your lips sit on your face after biting your bottom lip makes me want to do things that your mother told you were inappropriate.

The depth and yearning in your eyes tells me that you haven't been filled the way a man such as myself could fill you.

Your demeanor, I mean the way you handle me lets me know that you put me at arms distance because if I get closer my name gets put on the lease.

I would give the rest of my time here to share my bed with you just to wake up to your morning moan.

Every day.

To wrap my arms around you as you sleep, all of what physically makes the lustful flock to you and make women stare in jealous amazement would be sleepily buried in my embrace, nestled against me, twisting and contorting each morning causing me to sip your nectar, nourishing my soul every day before I get off to whatever is supposed to make my day.

That would also cause me to come home exclusively to you each night. I pray you put that gris gris on me, it'll only make me stay. I'll never leave because I won't be able to.

Stir that pot, baby.

I also hope that out of all that pine for you and jockey for your attention I am made the one based on what resides in my heart, and nothing more than that.

If I can rise each morning inhaling the scent the resonates from your hair, it would motivate me to conquer the world and manipulate all that is external specifically for you.

I just want to lay all up in it on the regular, if that's okay with you.

You make me crazy form a distance, yet I maintain my cool when I am in your presence. I have to because in any other manner, all would be lost.

Make me your hunter gatherer, I'll slay the earth so that you'll have what others cannot.

All you have to do is choose me.



2006 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo, ya dig... sho nuff.
That's that piece

Another verbal assault by The Brown Blogger at 5/05/2006 01:48:00 AM 0 spoke on it

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Still...

For someone that crafts unbelievably long posts, I recently haven't had much to say. I could go in depth on how it's been hard to adjust to being in a constant state of loss and how everybody around you have empathy but still expect something from you like expressing empathy is either very temporary in nature or that the word and actions related to it don't really exist. It's very hard to not want to snap off and call someone real close to you a stank-ass fucker either because it feels good to say that or it probably fits the situation at the time. I have a litany of narrative descriptives that I can spout out at others, but it's not appropriate at this moment. Dammit, I need to be in that moment, that will be fun. My demeanor says "Everything at the moment is fine hoss, no need to rangle the chowbell, let the cowboys rest, but I do feel a storm a brewin. And that's bad for the horses", but reality knows that it's difficult giving everybody the emotional and spiritual support they're used to receding when you don't have any to give to yourself. That is a serious problem. Right now, I am as drained as a used tube of toothpaste one forgot to throw away, just laying on the rim of the sink crumpled right next to that unused soap dish. Damn pumpable antibacterial soap... eff you man, I like bar soap he's cool. Plus he be lookin funny when gets them little hairs on him, but I digress... You have to squeeze and contort me in certain positions just to get a little glob of something out, and that might not be enough to attack that plaque.

But I still fight gingivitis and bad breath, so there.

I see everyone right now from family, friends to coworkers just standing in a line with their hands out waiting for me to give them a piece of me that has obviously died on April 14. My life has changed significantly since then and in that short span of time from then to now it wasn't losing someone that did it, it was more or less the actions of my kinfolk leading up to the now that has sparked change in me.



We must continue to adapt in order to be well and function seamlessly with the world even in the midst of chaos, or we will surely fail.
-Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo



I try to not be selfish, but I'm always thinking of others and how I can best serve in their time of need. I always volunteer my services to help smooth that thang out. I am always there supporting everyone in their endeavors. I'm a cheerleading social worker with motivational speaking tendencies and a decent bank account, and I get called to put in work. A lot. I am appreciated for being all of those different people to them and those and I appreciate that the appriciate. I am also known as the guy to call whenever the jumpoff... Well, jumps off. I guess asking for time off to do things for myself is not the standard or the norm that everyone else believes should apply to me.

Sheesh.

From funerals to bail money, from heartbreak and getting left with the kids to stupid ass ex-boyfriends doing destructive dumb shit, I am always there. From providing favors that no other brother in the frat will touch to being audited and being broke as hell once again falling short of that car payment... Even suicide attempts and providing airfare/busfare to get you to wherever your dream is... You guessed it, I am there.

Always.

I never pass judgement and never questioned your steelo, all I ask is that I get the same treatment in just letting me be at least for a quick minute. I need to refresh and rebuild my inner strengths so I can continue being me.

Needy people. Are Kryptonite.

I ain't saying that I will no longer be there. Hell, I love being there, but I have given so much of myself that I need a break from all of those I love, even my momma because y'all are taxin' me. I love all y'all stank asses

(my momma don't stink - she smells Beautiful, literally. That was soooo blatant, but we seem to get her something new out of that product line each Mid may. MadeaDay2006 Wait... I buy refills in October, February... Hell, Ma Dukes stays laced and rightfully so. Even when we weren't speaking, she was smelling... Beautiful.) but I really need to get away from y'all for a minute to get the vital pieces of me back so I can survive.

It's 1998 all over again. I opened up Billboard and saw nothing but hardcore acts dominating the rap charts. The Gavin Report was buzzing about the new playlists up north that looked like what CMJ was citing as a new revolution in reality music in tunes from the south. Percy Miller dominated SoundScan with guerilla marketing tactics that happened within the CD cases. I also noticed that Napster was the main source of downloading garbage that had nothing to do with beats, rhymes and life. It was a horrible January, and I had confirmed it within my heart that even though Biggie and Pac were long dead, a bunch of kids that never listened to that kind of music or actually attempted to interpret the lyrics, or even knew the bodies of work from these cats for that matter would be jockeying for that spot. Hell, even Jay-Z, Nas and the whole entire south was hustling to get to that position. The beats got softer and softer. The samples got more and more familiar (remember the fit the nation threw when Chill Rob G and SNAP! had used the same damn sample? What happened to that? Standards, man. Standards.). The stories as Common put it on his 1998 opus 'One Day It'll All Make Sense' "always tellings sad stories and getting high" and I began to distance myself from my one true love. Oh, and hip hop too. I needed a break from her that I never got, and probably made the biggest mistake I could have ever made in my life. I walked. In 2000, I left them both, just standing there. I became another person in an attempt to adapt and deal and that other persona dictated that I should be alone and away from what made my happy at that time because it was just so overwhelming to deal with.

I should have taken a vacation.

But then I'd be married, and she wouldn't matter so much.

Another verbal assault by The Brown Blogger at 5/03/2006 05:16:00 PM 0 spoke on it
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