Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Saturday, November 04, 2006

30 Days... 30 Posts: Day Four


It's been a while since we've talked, and so much has changed since our last encounter. Yes, I'm still that black power cat attempting to spit heat to the receptive, but there's so much more to me since our split that you don't see at the coffee houses on the bully. I realized that in changing my name, enhancing my diet and removing myself from the matrix I have effectively erased the boy that you spent so much time with from the books and replaced him with this man punching away at this keyboard.

In my interactions with you, I became a man.

I remember days when we sat around and just lounged in the bed, talking about successes and reminding ourselves on actions that lead to failure. I remember debates that we had on what the world would look like in ten years and how we would change it. I remember telling you about the books I would write and you telling me about the songs that the world would fall in love with because of your voice and how you wrote it. Those conversations still go on in my head. It is now my fodder to write.

I remember the time where you stood in my bathroom in just your skin. I walked up behind you and gave you this embrace just as naked as you, the surface of your skin cold from being exposed. This was the first time we revealed ourselves to each other, and it was not a flattering moment. As we hugged I felt the tension in your shoulders release and you immediately grew warm at that moment. We must've stood there for about an hour. It was then that I realized that I wasn't getting any and I still appreciate you for that. The embrace let me know that I had the patience and understanding that there was so much more to exploring you than just sex. And plus, I wasn't ready for you on that day. I would have lost control and changed how you thought of me on so many levels.

The look on your face never wavered when we traveled. We went everywhere together but it wasn't always gravy. I remember riding the train with you on New Years Eve back to your mother's. Remember the party that exploded out of nowhere when the train lights went out? I also remember that new years where I was beside myself and abusive over such a simple thing as a coat. I don't know what got into me to have disrespected you on such a level, it makes me wish that one really could turn back the hands of time. That is the absolute one thing I wish I could take back in my life. I resent my actions and it destroyed me inside for a long time not being able to apologize because of pride and then distance created when life cut me off from you after I learned how to swallow it. That moment replays in my mind to the point where the pain will never go away. It is a permanent stain, a bookmark if you will in the book of the story of how I got to where I am now. I will never forget my actions and I've amended myself to the point where I will not even think of having conflict with anyone, nonetheless a member of the opposite sex for anything. These days I refuse to fight unless I have to defend the life of my beloved, those being family members or a close friend. I look at argument and debate in a whole other light. As someone who has been trained in taking lives and in being a person responsible for actions that took lives while in the military, also as a young man unable to control his emotions in his youth and immaturity at that time, I came to realize the danger a lot of folk were put in back in the day by my actions. Just know that I have asked for forgiveness for all of the things I have done to put both you and others in harms way. You should have never been a target of me being angry due to my resentment of self at times when I felt that I failed. Years later and with time passed I want you to know that I am refined in my ideas, beliefs and ideals, and anger, resentment and violence both verbally and non has been replaced with accepting responsibility for my words and actions, calm contemplation of situations and thorough discussion in me being older and knowing the consequences and repercussions of my actions.

I also remember you checking me out a few times as we rode in our car. Woman, I was always checking on you. I couldn't believe that you chose me and wanted to be right by my side. I was flattered and impressed. I was also infatuated with you in the physical as well as the mental. You stimulated me on so many frequencies and modulations. I remember seeing fatigue in your face when we were walking a little too much hanging out with dude and sistergirl, but you always had confidence in me and let me lead, even when I was wrong. You also corrected me on so many occasions and I appreciate you for putting my ass in check.

I remember seeing you right by my mother's side at the airport when I was all military and in the hospital when I almost died. Even though y'all didn't recognize me and walked right pass me when I came home from training, I reveled into he fact that the two of you gelled and agreed on so many things. She wanted you to birth her grandbabies.

We argued about God, his existence and how we were going to get saved. We made each other laugh and always comforted one another when things got rough. Even though we never talked about 'that', I know that it bothered you and I wanted to do something about it.
I hope 'that's' been taken care of.

I'm just saying that in the time I spent with you I grew into what I wanted to become. I became more sensitive to the needs of others and now serve so many. It hurts that I cannot be of service to you. You taught me how to give and be unselfish, broke down the subtle art of self sacrifice and made sure I understood how to stand my ground. You expressed unconditional love, and I received it and overstood. I became complete in my manifestation of the literal, physical and spiritual in the times that we shared.

In a sense, I never got over you.

Of course, I move forward, time moving torwards seven years since we shared space. I have seen other people of course and have been thru the ringer a few times. One thing I know. It must be some sort of seven year itch I'm experiencing to want to go thru what I went thru when I was with you. Even though things went sour near the end and we agreed to disagree, I know that I am worthy of being a husband, father and a damn reliable ass best friend because you taught me how to be.

I don't think that we could ever share space again, but I know now that a boy will never be a man if he has never had love, respect and confidence from a woman like I had from you. We planted a seed and it grew into who I am now, ready to be released into the wild with the purpose of harvesting a strong, noble family ready to take on the world and make the change we used to laugh about back in the day, thinking someone else would probably beat us to doing it.

Thank you for shaping me and making me who I am. I already know the Creator has a masterplan for you in due time, a season. Your voice is being heard in places you'll never know. Well, I do hope that you take the time to find out.

Peace, blessings and thank you...

Gretel's Brother


Anonymous said...

That was such a beautiful and insightful post.

NeenaLove said...

**lone tear down my right cheek**

i am TOTALLY digging this post. i am feeling it, like a gnawing hunger in my belly, like a thousand flutters of butterfly wings in the pit of my stomach, like being hugged by a warm blanket on a Chicago New Year morning... anxious, warm and chilly... all wrapped up in this post.

BEAUTIFUL MIND! i felt the depth of your words and will probably visit this post many times... just to feel it again!

she's a lucky woman... whoever songbird is. for a man to come full circle AFTER having known "her" -- then having the courage to admit his weaknesses. SIMPLY WONDERFUL!


deepnthought said...

this was sweet.

aquababie said...

this is one of the most beautiful posts i've read on your blog.

Kip said...

To Hassan

Chance: Fear and pity, love and sympathy, and the infinite symphonies that beckons us to follow love.

Chance: Dear Hassan, Empathy leads to sympathy and sympathy leads to compassion and compassion leads to love. It works in exactly that order.

This post reveals a soul feels deeply what he writes about and wants his readers to feel his words as he expresses them. Good post and thanks for sharing hassan.

By Chance

princessdominique said...

I'm totally speechless. Wow. Let me go and sit down now...

Rose said...

Wow after reading this I don't know what to say...

The Stiltwalker said...

wow. I'm speechless as well. And envious. Oddly.

Anonymous said...

I dont have words to describe how it makes me feel. I just felt something stir, as if I had an enlightening moment.

DivineLavender said...

*silence controls the room*