Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Thursday, September 17, 2009

GetAway

I'm not quite sure what to say or do in this moment.

I am very tired, very lethargic and can't keep myself out of the bed if I'm not working or doing other stuff.

I have never been depressed in my life and I'm not now. There is a ton of stuff rattling around in my head. I'd like it to stop but I know it never will.

I keep running into a bunch of 'gotcha' moment traps set up by my wife. Tit-for-tat arguments are not sexy when you're being run ragged and mentally tired.

I'm not angry nor am I confused on what I have to do. I just want to do something else in this moment. There is no running away from stuff like this. I just don't want to be in this moment.

But I am.

My phone hasn't rung and I haven't heard from any of my sibs.

I don't even have to pick up the phone and call my mother, I don't think I've even dialed the number but we talk. And the look in her eyes the last time we shared the same space...

Damn.

Looking into the future, things are so dim right now and the only support I'm getting seems more gawkish and misunderstood than anything else. But it's accepted... Everyone isn't supposed to understand, but loyalty...

I've never been this mentally fatigued. It has manifested itself into body aches, eye/headaches and me killing two bottles of sangria I copped from a 7/11 last night. The hangover felt better than my normality.

I still want a few shots of whiskey, but I got things to do. It's taking so much right now to deal with other people's shit when all I really need is for someone, ANYONE to take the shit off of my shoulders for maybe five minutes.

But I'm good.

I'll tuck it all away after I hit the 'publish post' button and carry on like nothing is wrong. I'll continue to smile and laugh and appreciate the beautiful things in the now that I probably won't have in the future. I still find beauty in the life I live now even when a lot of folks around me purposely cannot.

This shit is insane, isn't it?

Other than being on automatic for the sake of others, I have no clue on what to do next. I'm having a hard problem in seeing what's next but that ain't the torturous part...

Standing there watching everyone else suffer mentally, spiritually physically while absolutely nothing happens to you... It's like being the bridesmaid and never the bride except you're the pallbearer or the executor and there is this machine you're working to manage the output from manufacturing death and destruction.

And Satan is the foreman...

And he keeps calling overtime.

I wonder if you get PTO or scheduled time off ?

5 comments:

LadyLee said...

I'm going through my own brand of some of the same over in these parts. Chin up, bruh. Day by day.

Gallis said...

Sorry I haven't been around the last while. Needed to touch down for a bit and regroup. So consider this a cyber hug. You can only do what you can do. Stressful situations do weird things to people. You can't expect them to be at their best, even though you desperately need them to be. Easier said than done, I know. But you can only control yourself. Keep that front and center and when you need to regroup, do it. Fuck off and get an icecream, whatever it takes. Catch your breath as much as you can. When it rains it pours indeed. I've learned recently that things have a way of just rising above you and any sense of control is obliterated. You just gotta ride the wave into the shore.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

if i would have known 7-11 sold Sangria things might be better for me.

But for realsie, life has its own cycles and sometimes we don't know whether we're up or down or why, it's just life. one day at a time, one moment at time is how we endure the painful parts, with the knowledge this too shall pass.

Deb said...

I can totally relate to this post. I've been feeling the same way lately and sometimes it lingers, and other times, it just passes and it feels "lighter". I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do right now, but know that when it finally does stop raining....a rainbow is to follow... how corny huh? But...so true!

Wishing you the best!

Blah Blah Blah said...

...do what you need to do to make your life liveable.
Whatever that means for you.

Right now, for me, it means putting in some ear plugs so I don't have to listen to my roommate having sex with guy #12 in the past 2 months.
Hell I may have that shot of whiskey you bypassed.

As for missing your muse...and complaining about nothing...oh my brown blogger, it does get better and I'd rather hear you complaining than saying nothing at all (but your not complaining).