GetAway

I'm not quite sure what to say or do in this moment.

I am very tired, very lethargic and can't keep myself out of the bed if I'm not working or doing other stuff.

I have never been depressed in my life and I'm not now. There is a ton of stuff rattling around in my head. I'd like it to stop but I know it never will.

I keep running into a bunch of 'gotcha' moment traps set up by my wife. Tit-for-tat arguments are not sexy when you're being run ragged and mentally tired.

I'm not angry nor am I confused on what I have to do. I just want to do something else in this moment. There is no running away from stuff like this. I just don't want to be in this moment.

But I am.

My phone hasn't rung and I haven't heard from any of my sibs.

I don't even have to pick up the phone and call my mother, I don't think I've even dialed the number but we talk. And the look in her eyes the last time we shared the same space...

Damn.

Looking into the future, things are so dim right now and the only support I'm getting seems more gawkish and misunderstood than anything else. But it's accepted... Everyone isn't supposed to understand, but loyalty...

I've never been this mentally fatigued. It has manifested itself into body aches, eye/headaches and me killing two bottles of sangria I copped from a 7/11 last night. The hangover felt better than my normality.

I still want a few shots of whiskey, but I got things to do. It's taking so much right now to deal with other people's shit when all I really need is for someone, ANYONE to take the shit off of my shoulders for maybe five minutes.

But I'm good.

I'll tuck it all away after I hit the 'publish post' button and carry on like nothing is wrong. I'll continue to smile and laugh and appreciate the beautiful things in the now that I probably won't have in the future. I still find beauty in the life I live now even when a lot of folks around me purposely cannot.

This shit is insane, isn't it?

Other than being on automatic for the sake of others, I have no clue on what to do next. I'm having a hard problem in seeing what's next but that ain't the torturous part...

Standing there watching everyone else suffer mentally, spiritually physically while absolutely nothing happens to you... It's like being the bridesmaid and never the bride except you're the pallbearer or the executor and there is this machine you're working to manage the output from manufacturing death and destruction.

And Satan is the foreman...

And he keeps calling overtime.

I wonder if you get PTO or scheduled time off ?

More Money, More Problems

I'm just like everyone else.

I have too much and can't even see it. I know a lot and act as if I'm the most ignorant cat on the planet. What I know and how I do in having that knowledge is what pushes me deeper into this harmful abyss most people never recover from. It's contagious too. I spread it to folks in the past and even became a product of that kind of environment and it has let me to be the person that I am today, right now.

I, like most of us suffer from having a poverty mentality.

Its defined as having the thought patterns that things aren't going to get much better because that' all we have and all we deserve. It's a half-empty way of looking at things. I don't suffer from this all the time but there are times like right now that I do. The unnatural forces of nature that push society tricks us into thinking this way. Case in point, I bought a new car on the 5th. I was so uninterested in purchasing it that I rented a car so I couldn't drive the new one off the lot.

I know the game. There are certain cars that the dealership has to move to make room for a more profitable model, so even if you come in looking for one thing they push another and the finance companies look at what's being held as collateral before they approve the loan so one's credit has nothing to do with obtaining the loan for whatever they end up with. Unless you're firm with what you want you'll get 'special rebates and financing' aimed at forcing you to take a piece of shit out the door... And the psychology of the deal is to make you feel good about buying what you didn't want at terms you probably didn't even think of and your down payment?

A credit. Well to the eyes of the finance entity. Your cash down payment is split between the salesperson, the manager and the dealership. You just paid a car salesman's mortgage or like I did January 2006, I bought some dude a boat. He used my $3500 as a down payment for a nice little river putter his wife urged him to get. I sold the 06' Jetta when I ran off to trucking school but I know the game. This time it was $4800 that paid down some young cat's student loans. I don't even like the shit but my wife needs reliable transportation, a warranty, roadside assistance, GPS and familiarity and comfort so her transition from the last vehicle is damn near seamless and I feel like I provided that. That's my job so I deliver. I have to, I just don't have to like that shit.

I had to be an asshole in order to get the deal I wanted. It seems that bringing out my asshol-ish nature is the order or the day round these parts.

I just gotta get over the feeling that I had to act an ass to get a 'deal' that'll cost me $500 a month for the next 24 to 36 months because I had to. I should be happy that I am able to afford such things for my other half and that I have a deal to replace the vehicle with the 2010 Prius (plug-in Hybrid redesign from Toyota - look that up), but no. I feel like I put myself in some sort of financial doghouse because when you add fuel, insurance and the payment itself, there goes over $1000 monthly that could have paid for something else. But isn't everyone else going thru the same thing?

It's hard because even though I exist in a two income household, $15,000 a year for a the privilege to drive just doesn't sit well with me. It's funny because both wifey and myself have business on the side that could replace what we do employment wise in the very near future but I just feel like stuff like this somehow affects my ability to retire in Belize.

It's a thousand friggin dollars and every one else is feeling the same crunch, right? Even with the ability to write off a portion of the payment and fuel costs I still find the whole thing wrong and a waste of time and money.

So imagine how I feel about paying the house note?
And gas. electric and cable/phone for a 4 bedroom, 3 bath behemoth?
Food expenses?

If I get out of the game and move away will that make me happier?

Lord help me if I ever win the lottery (I don't play) or if our businesses explode with success. Florida and James never encountered problems like this, did they?

I should be thankful to even be in this position to burn money the way we do.