I'm not quite sure what to say or do in this moment.
I am very tired, very lethargic and can't keep myself out of the bed if I'm not working or doing other stuff.
I have never been depressed in my life and I'm not now. There is a ton of stuff rattling around in my head. I'd like it to stop but I know it never will.
I keep running into a bunch of 'gotcha' moment traps set up by my wife. Tit-for-tat arguments are not sexy when you're being run ragged and mentally tired.
I'm not angry nor am I confused on what I have to do. I just want to do something else in this moment. There is no running away from stuff like this. I just don't want to be in this moment.
But I am.
My phone hasn't rung and I haven't heard from any of my sibs.
I don't even have to pick up the phone and call my mother, I don't think I've even dialed the number but we talk. And the look in her eyes the last time we shared the same space...
Damn.
Looking into the future, things are so dim right now and the only support I'm getting seems more gawkish and misunderstood than anything else. But it's accepted... Everyone isn't supposed to understand, but loyalty...
I've never been this mentally fatigued. It has manifested itself into body aches, eye/headaches and me killing two bottles of sangria I copped from a 7/11 last night. The hangover felt better than my normality.
I still want a few shots of whiskey, but I got things to do. It's taking so much right now to deal with other people's shit when all I really need is for someone, ANYONE to take the shit off of my shoulders for maybe five minutes.
But I'm good.
I'll tuck it all away after I hit the 'publish post' button and carry on like nothing is wrong. I'll continue to smile and laugh and appreciate the beautiful things in the now that I probably won't have in the future. I still find beauty in the life I live now even when a lot of folks around me purposely cannot.
This shit is insane, isn't it?
Other than being on automatic for the sake of others, I have no clue on what to do next. I'm having a hard problem in seeing what's next but that ain't the torturous part...
Standing there watching everyone else suffer mentally, spiritually physically while absolutely nothing happens to you... It's like being the bridesmaid and never the bride except you're the pallbearer or the executor and there is this machine you're working to manage the output from manufacturing death and destruction.
And Satan is the foreman...
And he keeps calling overtime.
I wonder if you get PTO or scheduled time off ?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
GetAway
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Texas Toast Tuesday
So I woke up this morning and I was still in Texas.
Damn. I actually moved here. What the hell just happened? This time last week I was in Chicago freezing my ass off, contemplating my next move. Boy that happened quickly.
I still have the desire to be other places. I know in my heart that Texas is where I need to be now. You know, plant a seed or two and see if any other place'll take me. I still desire to be in Georgia, but there is a lot going on right here... In my mind. That whole editing phase looks like it'll take place right here in the lone star state. For a second I was tired of writing and searching for the right copy edit service, and then I pulled all of my stuff out to give it a once over.
Damn. I like writing.
Funny, I haven't been inspired to write new stuff as of late (meaning December thru February) and the new stuff that's been on my mind has a new slant, a new twist to it. I'm not ready to expose any of that stuff right now but I do have a piece I can share:
