To My Brothers And Sisters, Past And Present...

The cost of liberty is less than the cost of repression.

-W.E.B. Dubois


I cannot and will not ever forget...

Change Gon' Come

I have this idea that I just ran across my wife.

It is so crazy that it just makes sense.

I asked her if she was game on doing it... She said yes. For now.

I think we're going to do it, or at least I hope so.

This'll be the craziest thing we've ever done...

Sixty Nine And I Owe You None

I'm more spiritual than religious, but...


Sometimes scripture just jumps out on your ass. Case in point:

Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul.
I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me.
I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God.
They that hate me without a cause are more than the hairs of mine head: they that would destroy me, being mine enemies wrongfully, are mighty: then I restored that which I took not away.
O God, thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee.
Let not them that wait on thee, O Lord GOD of hosts, be ashamed for my sake: let not those that seek thee be confounded for my sake, O God of Israel.
Because for thy sake I have borne reproach; shame hath covered my face.
I am become a stranger unto my brethren, and an alien unto my mother's children.
For the zeal of thine house hath eaten me up; and the reproaches of them that reproached thee are fallen upon me.
When I wept, and chastened my soul with fasting, that was to my reproach.
I made sackcloth also my garment; and I became a proverb to them.
They that sit in the gate speak against me; and I was the song of the drunkards.
But as for me, my prayer is unto thee, O Lord, in an acceptable time: O God, in the multitude of thy mercy hear me, in the truth of thy salvation.
Deliver me out of the mire, and let me not sink: let me be delivered from them that hate me, and out of the deep waters.
Let not the waterflood overflow me, neither let the deep swallow me up, and let not the pit shut her mouth upon me.
Hear me, O Lord; for thy lovingkindness is good: turn unto me according to the multitude of thy tender mercies.
And hide not thy face from thy servant; for I am in trouble: hear me speedily.
Draw nigh unto my soul, and redeem it: deliver me because of mine enemies.
Thou hast known my reproach, and my shame, and my dishonour: mine adversaries are all before thee.
Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness: and I looked for some to take pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none.
They gave me also gall for my meat; and in my thirst they gave me vinegar to drink.
Let their table become a snare before them: and that which should have been for their welfare, let it become a trap.
Let their eyes be darkened, that they see not; and make their loins continually to shake.
Pour out thine indignation upon them, and let thy wrathful anger take hold of them.
Let their habitation be desolate; and let none dwell in their tents.
For they persecute him whom thou hast smitten; and they talk to the grief of those whom thou hast wounded.
Add iniquity unto their iniquity: and let them not come into thy righteousness.
Let them be blotted out of the book of the living, and not be written with the righteous.
But I am poor and sorrowful: let thy salvation, O God, set me up on high.
I will praise the name of God with a song, and will magnify him with thanksgiving.
This also shall please the Lord better than an ox or bullock that hath horns and hoofs.
The humble shall see this, and be glad: and your heart shall live that seek God.
For the Lord heareth the poor, and despiseth not his prisoners.
Let the heaven and earth praise him, the seas, and every thing that moveth therein.
For God will save Zion, and will build the cities of Judah: that they may dwell there, and have it in possession.
The seed also of his servants shall inherit it: and they that love his name shall dwell therein.

Ya dig?

Don't act like you can't feel me. I ain't the only one. Never have been.

Hanging Out With Mom Today

It took a lot to get here and this is also my second year rebuilding with my mother.

I'm kind of sad that I let pride and spite take me away from my mother and am glad that the Most High didn't take her away and has allowed me all of this that I have shared, reminisced and rekindled with my mommy since coming back home.

Harder than hard

How much harder must I love?
How much more do I have to show?
Am I ever to get my due?
Thoughts come hard as hell when thinking of you

Times before, me getting open
in the presence of you
made my head hurt
I tried to internalize these thoughts and made excuses to myself
in order to execute an exercise in staying

but that would be my great mistake.

I thought you to be the glue that would make this thing stick
instead you repelled me
not by words or deeds

but

you moved my knight
three steps down and two steps over
making it difficult to get back at you
and then you requested my touch

You wanted it hard
asked for it from all directions
but from your own hand
questioned if I could really love hard

when it was obvious

that me standing there in front of you
was the hardest thing I could ever do

So you spoke in soft tones
singing into the wind
making requests I'll never honor
because it was too hard to hear you

so I hung on your unspoken diatribe and I fell hard
then you said that I wasn't your kind of hard

loud enough for me to hear
like I was hard of hearing
and slung me in some emotional waste receptacle with a
very hard overhand yank
the stench of trash soaked into my skin
built up for damn near half a decade
took a hard scrubbing to remove

You defiled me yet still wanted me to give it to you hard
with broad, slow strokes
so that you would remember
as much as you would savor

You know not how hard it is to dangle from your own string

I made a hard decision
leaving is never hard when you never came
and if you would have gotten it any harder than what I gave
releasing me would have been the hardest thing you would have
ever had to do

cause I fuck hard

But I love harder
causing hard decisions and hard times for your mind to differentiate
forcing hardships on those that find it hard to love my name
yet remained silent when called to rep for said nomenclature
because enunciating is hard to do in the presence of others
breaking up ain't hard to do when protocol has never been broken

see, you never allowed me to penetrate
because you believed times to be hard
and you remained conservative

at the one time I was liberal enough
to spread the wealth
you vetoed my stimulus package
when

You should have called my name
and confided in me how hard is was
to see me walk away
but pride is a hard thing
and speaking my truths into existence
is a hard thing for you to do.

Dammit, life is hard
fending yourself from the harsh realities of life is harder
but what's the hardest thing?

Finding out how hard it is to do things yourself

Because I love so hard
things could have been much easier
and you never would have had to ask yourself
how hard things could have been

If you ever really knew how hard it was
to just stand in front of you

2009 - Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo

Thoughts On How I Got Here

This is a long post, but most of my recent ones have been long. Think of it as multiple blog posts... I hope that helps. Hell, I hope you actually read the whole damn thang.

Oh, and I know it's been a while. I just felt like not blogging again until I had a conversation with Terry. Matter of fact... The Cheap Seats are open!

Have you ever just sat there, you know... Somewhere quiet in your home and just thought about shit? When was the last time you attempted to decipher exactly what the inner workings of your mind was telling you?

I've been doing that lately.

There is entirely way too much stuff tumbling around in there. I just can't believe with all of that wet laundry tumbling around in my head's dryer that I still feel unmotivated and bored as hell. There is some sort of sense of urgency to get things done, but I can't prioritize exactly what to work on first.

I know that some things need to be addressed but I just cannot decide what to work on first. And then there are so many glaring items I gotta handle on the home front as well.

It ain't the bills. As long as my other half and I put our shoulders down and drive forward we'll move the chains on the football field of life. I had a conversation with my other half yesterday questioning the if and where we are in our lives. Not that I'm not grateful and appreciative in who is here and what has been gifted to me by the Creator, I just wonder sometimes what got me here...

So certain thoughts take me back two years ago and I was in Houston. I made an ill-fated decision to leave Chicago. I knew that the decision I made at the time was the right one. I had support, a good reason and felt protected by the spirits to be there until one action made me question why in the hell I was where I was. Being there wasn't new, I had been there before but only as a visitor. Houston is a little larger than Chicago in land mass but the Chi has damn near four times as many people. There was comfort in being where folks look like me made things cool but there was still a feeling of restriction.

Being broke as hell will immediately put clamps on you, or at least it feels that way. One day I was there, she was there and somewhere very early she felt a need to get up, shower and dress for Sunday. Hell, it was Sunday, people go out. She made herself look look nice. She can make herself into sexy mode, but on this day, she dressed to highlight her cuteness and not her sexy, like she was headed to church but she didn't attend church. She didn't have a church home that I knew of.

During that time in 07', I hadn't spoken to my mother in over a year, but some of you knew that. I really needed to hear my mom but I chose to be stubborn and stand my ground and not speak to her. That was stupid of me to do. So imagine how I felt when her mother called and there was an opportunity for myself to be allowed to introduce... Myself. Yeah, that shit works if her mom even knew I existed. Hell, she met all my sibs and the nieces and nephews earlier that year! Oh well, I guess eventually one day I would get an invite or have an introduction.

Never did.

So the one time when her mother called the spot, I was waiting for a call from a perspective employer. I normally answered the phone with no objections but on this occasion I answered the phone and ended up speaking with her mother. I have never seen someone in my adult life, being the same age grown and independent from the parental units as I was back peddle verbally from another human being quite like that about me being there.

Or not really being there, as it was trying to be explained. Shit! I'm a nobody. Not good if the fam doesn't know some ashy assed, dreadlocked, Kush smelling cat like myself was all up and thru there, huh?

Her mother unleashed a verbal bashing questioning her about having a man answer her phone. She interrogated her about my status in her home and I was just crushed as I watched her stammer and fall all over the answers she had to search for. I was nobody, or at least I had to hide within the shadows until she was able to rewire her feelings to match the words needed to explain my presence. Her actions were fine and definitive for me to this point, but I realized that the only people in Houston that we both knew were 4 other people. 2 were room mates and the others were her confidants. She promised that I would meet her brother who was also a truck driver. So much for that, huh?

In that moment, I needed just a twinge of motherly advice. I was too proud to call my mother, especially feeling that I've just had my tail put between my legs by coming to Houston empty handed and with no definition. The inaction and being hidden in plain sight what I believed to be the fatal flaws that loosened my confidence in living in Texas was concerned. I didn't leave Houston until August because I believed that May, June and July would birth the emotional and stabilizing efforts put forth that would convince me to stay.

And where did she go on that fateful Sunday dare you ask? Her sibs and other family members hosted a mother's day brunch. She told me as she walked out the door that she would be right back and didn't mention anything to me upon her return 6 hours later. Even though I was on the outs with my mother, I understand the importance of who you are by the way you're introduced to family. We had been hinting around, visiting and snowballing to this moment since late 2006 and I had managed to be there in the flesh...

Other things happened in those months leading up to me getting back to Chicago in August of 2007, but that was cake batter. There were other moments that could have taken the cake but during mother's day weekend? Bowl, eggs, whisk and pre-heated oven. One of the shoulders I cried upon during that time kept me sane and grounded me. I ended up marrying that set of shoulders later on that year.

Funny, huh?

I only wondered about this because after talking with a friend yesterday, I realized how long, hard and complicated it was just to get to where I am now. I feel uninspired and am unwilling to write yet everything is unbelievably alright. In a few short actions, I realized that there still was still some precedent to be set in being in Texas whereas in a long, complicated and turbulent filled journey I arrived here. Able to sit and think about the minor things, the fodder if you will that runs amok in my head.

I'm not really uninspired, bored or unmotivated.

I'm actually blessed to have one place to sit out of many to ponder my thoughts both major and minor. And I have been blessed to have been shown which way to go in order to get here. And those actions were actually inactions. Things undone showed me the path in getting things done.

I just cannot imagine anyone else putting up with my shit but her. What I had to go thru to get here... Well, that was just one of life's hurdles in the paragraphs above causing me to want to just sit here and praise the master plan our Creator has for us...

And it is a beautiful plan.

Now all I gotta go is get 12 and a half more years in with this feeling like Kim and Allen have...

Happpy Anniversary number 14!

Catching Up With Hassan

I've been around. Seriously.

I just didn't have much to say in the past few weeks. Well, nothing worth bloggin' about. Or at least I thought. I thought I'd take this time to catch up. I know that a ton of the Facebook family have seen these pics, but... Maybe you haven't. So...

All is well, I've just pretty much stayed busy and have been hanging hard with my other half. I've also IMed and emailed a few old friends, grew older another year, shaved off all of the hairs on my chinny chin chin. And upper lip. And I still look good.

Ask my momma. She actually likes me without a mustache.

I also started getting my asanas back, eating a whole lotta greens, hanging out with old friends from high school (that ish was 20+ years ago!) and my wife swears that this weekend was the first time I danced with her.





She got to meet some of the good folks from high school. Because she's from a different place I thought it was important for her to know where I came from and who was there when I was becoming me. We had a good time, and she met some good people who after 20 plus years are still in my life. Oh, did I mention that we danced?


A couple of weeks ago, my mother in-law came into town for Easter weekend and we ran her, fed her and ran her some more. Lots of walking thru all of the nooks and crannies that make Chicago 'The Chi'. We even went shopping and she enjoyed the hell out of that. I take it Tulsa, OK doesn't have 'the black mall'. We took her to a few special places in the Chi and both her and my mother held court Easter Sunday at our home. We were able to entertain and feed 20+ guests and managed to have a good time and cater to all.

we even took her to the shrine

see, us and the mommies

A week later my brother celebrated his 29th rotation around the sun, and I ran his ass thru the gambit. I betcha he'll never take a day off of work and attend a baseball game with me. We actually hit the rooftops across the street from Wrigley Field, where the Chicago Cubs play. All you can eat and drink on a Wednesday is a dangerous thing. Well, it was for him. I can still drink your drunk-ass uncle under the table. Something I learned to do in Korea. He tried, but failed in a cute and almost 30 kinda way. Stick to the Heineken keg cans dude. Thanks to my wife, we got him home for an interesting evening with the wife and kids. I owe them an apology.

And a therapist.

I think daddy snoozed on the big birthday presentation.

I know. I stink.

But it's funny.

The day started well...

ended something like this

Okay, nothing like that. We went to a bar my best friend works and I fed his ass Sambuca and Patron... Not in that order either.

Last week to now was kind of a blur to being busy. Nothing really to report. I'm just in awe of the Repubs...

• disapproved damn near 200 million in pandemic research and relief
• filibustered and still holding up the seating of HHS Secretary, who would appoint a director of the CDC (we don't have one)
• the current pandemic cannot be controlled, and we're short (about 200 million) for relief and research

Whatever.

I think I'm we're all caught up here. I got some stuff I've been working on that I'll post tomorrow when I get back from an assignment. I swear I'm posting on a regular basis now. For real. I'm serious. No joking. Pinky swear. I had a period where I was feeling uninspired and unmotivated, but that cloud has passed.

Just tell my wife to stay the hell offa' the pole in my mancave.

See how that just picks me up and gives me hope? I figure that seeing that she has more rhythm than Carrie Heffernan some lessons just might benefit her pocket change fund. One can't be short in the impulse section at the cash register, even in a recession.

More to come, after a short commercial break...

Back, after these messages

Mondays...

Are boring. I like them but... I don't know.

Whatever.

I got a week and some change review coming maybe later after I run some errands. I also need to express my thoughts about then end of things. I can see relationships, residencies and bonds breaking in the very near future.

The fact that I know I'm undervalued, marginalized and underestimated before I even walk out of the door leaves my faith non-existent. I officially have faith in basically nothing. When the world lets you down you have folk to fall back on. When your people fail you... Well, you're back to fending for yourself and you hate the day you even put an ounce of trust in them.

You told them things that you just couldn't tell anyone else. Yeah, I blew it. I can't blame anyone else for my failures. The fact that it's a rainy, dreary Monday means nothing to me. The fact that I woke up today disappointed in who I gave my trust to sends little mental shockwaves thru my veins.

I really messed up and I really can't hit the reset button. There is no reset button to hit. It feels like I'm at the tables at some random casino and I'm down to my last dollar. I really should take my money off the table and go home.

But it's Monday and it's boring. I have nothing better to do. Even if I hit a big windfall with my last dollar, it matters not how much of that I'll have in my pocket when I get home.

Now dig, I'm not depressed nor angry at anyone or anything. I just know that this is what it is. I always have another direction in which I can travel, the only cost would be time and effort. I'm realizing that most of them paths usually end up with the same storyline.

I got stuff to do. I wanna come back and post pics and thangs from last week. It's Monday, something has to be done to fill the spaces.

Peace, y'all.

Why Chi?

Seeing that my Mother In-Law is in town (for the first time for that matter) spending Easter weekend with my side of the family and with my friends, I thought I'd answer one question she had that is closely related to a Scoop Jackson column posted on ESPN.com a couple of days ago...

And because I'm lazy and don't feel like blogging today. I got a full week of stuff to share in the upcoming days anyway.

So... There.


Anyhoo... Here's the article:







Many people across America will ask, "Why Chi?"

Why did Chicago get the first ESPN local site to itself? They will ask what makes us so special. What makes us think we are so special? Why did ESPN choose the Windy City? They will find fault.

Cool.

Michael Jordan
Why Chicago? Well, we did have the greatest basketball player ever ...

As a city, we don't have a problem with any of that. Most of us will accept it because we are so used to it. Try living here and you'll understand. If you are born and raised (and gonna die) here, you more than understand ... you embrace it. We are -- in our minds -- the most slept-on, overlooked, underappreciated sports city in the world.

In our minds, this site, one dedicated to all of Chicagoland sports at every level, is long overdue. Because when it comes to the games we all play, watch and love, no one -- and I repeat no one -- on any corner of any block in any city any place in the world got swagger like us.

These reasons only further our proof:

Because we turned the saying "Good Guys Wear Black" into a rally cry.

Because our Cubs blue is truer blue than Yankees or Dodger blue.

Because the words "upscale" and "sports" don't mix here.

Because when it comes to sports, we die harder than Bruce Willis.

Because we have a Claes Oldenburg-designed steel sculpture of a 100-foot baseball bat on the corner of Madison and Jefferson in the middle of the city for no damn reason!

Because Michael, Scottie and Phil got us six rings.

Because our players only cry after winning.

Because only here can you have two sides of town that hate each other because of their beloved teams while they will never ever be a threat to one another in winning a World Series.

Because we will put this city up against any city in the world when it comes to diversity, knowledge and passion for sports. There isn't a city that exists that holds our desire for sports on an everyday basis.

Because we're about to host the Olympics in 2016.

Because Jackie Robinson is a league to us, not just an icon.

Because only here could a car dealership (Chicagoland Chevrolet Dealership Association) get Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali together for an ad.

Because of Walter Payton.

Because we just won the Jay Cutler sweepstakes.

Because no other can handle the annual pain that comes along with loving the Cubs.

Because when the Blackhawks eventually win the Stanley Cup, we will -- in all of our belligerent arrogance -- have the gall to say to anyone who is listening, "We told you so!"

William
... and the greatest NFL team of all time ...

Because we have Ozzie and you don't.

Because we were the originators of "March Madness."

Because we were too stupid to trademark the phrase and too forgiving to sue someone -- anyone! -- for copyright infringement.

Because as far as we're concerned, there is still no team in the history of the NFL that could beat the '85 Bears.

Because we play with 16-inch Clinchers (TM).

Because we drink Old Style and Olde English at games.

Because we hoop on ice, golf in snow, row on frozen ponds, play beach volleyball on hard sand, do marathons in North Face and play soccer on grass that won't bend.

Because what Green Bay calls a "tundra," we simply call "a football field."

Because "strikeout" is much harder than "stick ball."

Because we validate the existence of a sports jinx.

Because Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews are the next Crosby and Malkin, and ESPN wants to get an early jump on covering them.

Because the women at Wrigley Field look better (and can drink more) than women who go to baseball games in any other city in the country.

Because our "W" doesn't stand for a hotel chain or an ex-president.

Because we consider pitching pennies a sport.

Wrigley Field
... and we'll keep showing up at those rooftop seats until the Cubs finally win it all.

Because win, lose, draw and lose again, we rep our teams like Drew Rosenhaus reps his clients.

Because the greatest sports documentary of all time ("Hoop Dreams") and arguably the greatest sports film ("Brian's Song") were about what we are all about.

Because we use our brown paper bags for sneaking booze into stadiums, and we don't use them to show we're embarrassed of the team we came to see.

Because we (not Denver) made "Rock and Roll, Part 2" famous.

Because we nurtured a Rose from concrete.

Because at least 81 times a year, we "take you out to the ballgame."

Because we'd rather build a spaceship inside of our football stadium than do what the Yankees did to theirs.

Because on any given day, at any given sporting event in the city, Oprah or Obama could be sitting next to you.

Because of what Devin Hester is about to do this season.

Because no one gives the term "ride or die" more meaning when it comes to sports teams than us.

Because of the overtly obvious reasons not even worth mentioning.

Because we got Mike Ditka, fool.

Scoop Jackson is a columnist for ESPN.com and ESPN Chicago.com.

79 Days

Someone named Independentvoice wrote in today's Chicago Sun-times: President Obama’s Promises Kept: Reverse restrictions on stem cell research Extend unemployment insurance benefits and temporarily suspend taxes on these benefits Create a foreclosure prevention fund for homeowners Expand loan programs for small businesses Extend and index the 2007 Alternative Minimum Tax patch Expand eligibility for State Children's Health Insurance Fund (SCHIP) Expand funding to train primary care providers and public health practitioners Direct military leaders to end war in Iraq Send two additional brigades to Afghanistan Restore funding for the Byrne Justice Assistance Grant (Byrne/JAG) program Release presidential records Require new hires to sign a form affirming their hiring was not due to political affiliation or contributions. Remove more brush, small trees and vegetation that fuel wildfires Create a White House Office on Urban Policy Support increased funding for the NEA Work to overturn Ledbetter vs. Goodyear Ban lobbyist gifts to executive employees Weatherize 1 million homes per year Invest in all types of alternative energy Enact tax credit for consumers for plug-in hybrid cars Support high-speed rail Appoint at least one Republican to the cabinet Promises that he kept but offered a compromise: Eliminate capital gains taxes for small businesses and start-ups Expand the earned income tax credit Create a tax credit of $500 for workers Create the American Opportunity Tax Credit to offset college costs Set a three-month moratorium on foreclosures Earmark reform No family making less than $250,000 will see "any form of tax increase."-Cigarette tax for SCHIP Stalled Promises: End income tax for seniors making less than $50,000 Call for repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy Enact windfall profits tax for oil companies Allow penalty-free hardship withdrawals from retirement accounts in 2008 and 2009 Promises in the works: Increase the capital gains and dividends taxes for higher-income taxpayers Eliminate all oil and gas tax loopholes Extend child tax credits and marriage-penalty fixes Require automatic enrollment in 401(k) plans Require automatic enrollment in IRA plans Change standards for determining broadband access Create a $60 billion bank to fund roads and bridges Extend the Bush tax cuts for lower incomes Repeal the Bush tax cuts for higher incomes Phase out exemptions and deductions for higher earners Invest in electronic health information systems Implement and fund proven health intervention programs Eliminate the higher subsidies to Medicare Advantage plans Prevent drug companies from blocking generic drugs Double federal funding for cancer research Reduce the Veterans Benefits Administration claims backlog Launch a supportive services-housing program for veterans to prevent homelessness Begin removing combat brigades from Iraq Launch robust diplomatic effort with Iraq and its neighbors Increase the size of the Army and Marine Corps End the "Stop-Loss" program of forcing troops to stay in service beyond their expected commitments Set standards for when the government should hire defense contractors End the abuse of supplemental budgets for war Double U.S. spending on foreign aid to $50 Billion a year by 2012 End the use of torture End the use of extreme rendition Close the Guantanamo Bay Detention Center Develop an alternative to President Bush's Military Commissions Act on handling detainees Extend monitoring and verification provisions of the START I Treaty Develop a comprehensive cyber security and response strategy Increase the size of the Foreign Service Grant Americans unrestricted rights to visit family and send money to Cuba Expand Early Head Start and Head Start Reduce subsidies to private student lenders and protect student borrowers Expand Pell grants for low-income students Secure the borders Push for a college football playoff system Allow bankruptcy judges to modify terms of a home mortgage Appoint experienced disaster official to head FEMA Encourage community service through online outreach and social networking Expand broadband's reach Double federal funding for basic science research over 10 years Create White House performance team and chief performance officer Limit subsidies for agribusiness Appoint an American Indian policy adviser Create new financial regulations Pressure Sudan to end violence in Darfur Create 5 million "green" jobs Raise fuel economy standards Work with UN on climate change Create cap and trade system with interim goals to reduce global warming Require more energy-efficient appliances Reduce energy consumption in federal buildings Require federal fleet to be half hybrids or electrical cars Modernize the nation's electricity grid and use "smart grid" practices Modernize air traffic system Ensure that stem cell research is conducted ethically and with vigorous oversight Broken Promises: Allow five days of public comment before signing bills Tougher rules against revolving door for lobbyists and former officials Create a $3,000 tax credit for companies that add jobs Recognize the Armenian genocide There are over 400 promises that President Obama has not given any action to. But give him time, he has only been in office 79 days. You think so?

Everday Struggle

Good Sunday to you.

I spent yesterday just sitting around, vegging just thinking about things. For years now there has been so much running thru my mind. I've never been able to turn the noise off.

Ever.

There has to be at least 127 different things going on at one given time in my head, and I hear them all. All at the same time. I never had a problem with my mind's filter. Not even now. I'm just selective with which voice I listen to. I have great ideas, I'm also a sick, demented fellow. Never had to give in to the evil or misdeeds that my mind sometimes tells me to do, so there.

But now in my third act I have to make a choice. I have to choose that one thing.

You know, like Lauryn said: That thing.

I don't have much time to make that choice either. Because I'm married and have to consider my other half's feelings and ideas... You know. I have to choose. This is a hard thing, making the choice.

You still don't know what the hell I'm speaking of? Okay, here:

I am standing at 40's gate. In fact I have a couple of years to get there, but here's the rub... I just got married about a year ago. I never wanted children and if I never have any I won't be mad. I did what I was supposed to do with school (after a little prodding and the phone calls from the student loan people trying to recoup their yapers after I dropped out of undergrad the second time) and never capitalized on higher education.

I saved and had money. Dibbled in real estate and invested a few duckets here and there but never made a wad of cash in the market. I wrote songs, recorded them and even wrote a few manuscripts with enough verbiage to edit, publish and stand on it but never wanted to really put it out there because I would put too much of myself out there for folks to buy and have on their shelf. And I would have to answer for that shit too... Hells naw, I've cowered out more than a few times and quit a few jobs over having too much responsibility. I refuse to baby sit grown-ass human beings. Left the Army over that shit and ran from corporate America as well.

I ain't the one.

Now I stand on this plane of existence with a wife, real estate opportunity, and the possibility of having a house full of opinionated, bad ass Hassans' running around, getting politically dangerous with their second grade teachers...

I have to make a choice of what I'm going to do in order to support my family and define myself in this, the last third of my life. The first twenty or so years were purely developmental. It made me me. As the second twenty comes to a close I have to stick to that one thing...

What my kids and history will know me for.
What will put food on my table. I can't drive that truck for much longer. Absence...
What will make me happy.
What will satisfy my wife, family and extended fam. I'm happy when their happy, trust.

I keep hearing Biggige hitting that chorus from 'Everyday Struggle':

'I don't wanna live no more
Sometime I hear death knocking at my front door
I'm living everyday like a hustle
Another drug to juggle
Another day, another struggle

Yo, it's just like that in at least the first 47 voices that be yelling in my head.

I got the education, the connections, the street knowledge and the drive, but I gotta make one choice and do something...

Out of all of the things I can do. I have to determine exactly what that thing is and stick to it and be happy with my decision. Can't build a home and feed and handle a family unless I do that thing, whatever that things is. I'm not confused, I just want to do the one thing that will make me happy and feel good about my definition.

I don't know what that thing is going to be. I also know when I make that choice I cannot flip-flop. According to the stats, I have less years left to live that I've already used.

Damn.

How does one satiate one's soul, give into other's wishes and feel satisfied that what he or she is doing as the right and good thing? This is indeed an everyday thing struggle.

Huh?

Sometimes, it takes a wealth of courage to hold things back.

Other times, you gotta just let it spill from you emotionally.

I promised in my last post that I would curtail my emotions and conduct myself like a grown-ass man when it comes to blogging. I spent a lot of time back in the day waging war against certain folk, even myself lyrically with the written verse.

I've written a bunch of poems, held mental court with myself more than a few times and did everything within my physical to not do stupid shit when it came to situations, jobs and other people. I am not an anti-social cat so I still get out and speak. There was a time where I got too personal with people I had no business dealing with. In those instances, I shared all of myself and learned a lot about them. That information was strictly for me and I have not shared.

As I reflect on what I have done here with putting my business all out on the street and thangs I realize that life is a series of actions based on the emotional...

I Owe Everyone An Apology...

For not tending to my due diligence.

I've been blogging since 2004, and where at one point this place was an outlet for my outbursts, it seems in maturity they become more like quiet conversations that have a little meaning for those that choose to read, respond and have participated in some of the life things I have.

I have grown. Y'all deserve better.

I have always been fascinated with politics, technology and independent study as it pertains to Black folk here in America. I'm also moody, opinionated and fickle when it comes to... Well anything. I have waxed poetically, ranted politically and emotionally romped all up and thru here and for some in my inner circle, y'all know my business For others, it wasn't like there were cryptic messages here that could not be followed.

When I started blogging in 2004:

I was a cubicle slave, complaining about being single and miserable in my line of work

I longed for the day that I could be free economically, running my own business

I was casually dating and going through emotional roller coasters


And with a few years with a little internet under my belt:

I had broken free of corporate America and was trying to find my place

I gave up everything I owned and roamed the countryside like Kane from Kung Fu

I relocated a few times and had to stab a few of the hands that fed me

Caused emotional roller coasters by not casually dating


And over the last 18 months I:

Relocated back to Chicago

Got married - Settled down

Got profitable and grounded in my business ventures

Used my political knowledge as leverage against ignorance in a Presidential campaign

And still stirred up a few emotions inside and outside the Ntimbanjayo camp


And for those that had to struggle thru reading that bullshit, I sincerely apologize.

Blogging should have taken on serious aspects of my life and I should have stuck with writing about those particular things that could help, inspire and made sense. I didn't do that so my apologies go out to y'all for dragging folk thru stuff that probably should have never made it to your monitor or laptop screen.

But since I'm here...

I still want to write and communicate, and even wax poetic and speak politics even though shortly before the election 6 months ago I pulled myself from the Obama campaign and refused to blog politically. I'm currently a husband and a future father. I'll still attempt to use this forum as a tool of change for myself. I'm still a tech head, even though I no longer work in cubicle land doing IT related stuff. I still vote and pay taxes and have an opinion on what matters and what I think should be.

I am 20 years or so removed from high school, so most of my peers are parents and/or grandparents and with 14 (and a possible) nieces and nephews I do have discussions in that realm. I have responsibilities and should speak out and reach out to folk when necessary. I still should provoke thought and create and respond via intelligent conversation, not make people ask "what the hell is that?" when I write.

I travel more and have been recording and writing about my escapades. I also have one hell of a social calender and some adventurous friends and I am dying to tell about the people, places and things that make me giggle like a schoolgirl and get me as full as a tick. And drunk even. But between social networking sites, Tweets and business profiles, I'm all over the damn place. Well, not any more.

So, in the next couple of days (maybe a week, I get lazy) I'm going to change up a few things here and centralize all things Hassan on the 'Blogging While Black' domain. There will be sub domains and archives of the old stuff, my current music and literary projects, product reviews (I am a consumer electronics whore slash gadget freak/former network operations dude for 2 majors/2 wireless carriers) and trip recaps (trucker related stuff and the monthly vacation thing the wife and I do). I'll try to cover stuff that makes me tick in a way that is part infoshare - part blog persona because between Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, LinkedIn and the rest of em, going to all of those places makes me damn tired. Hell, I own a domain. Might as well use it to its advantage.

So out with the emotional rants, virtual gifts, ignorant quizzes, fake celebrity gossip and pixie dust exploding all over your computer monitor when someone leaves you a note that jut says 'hello'... It's time to get grown in cyberspace. My blog should reflect my growth and development. I just hope other folk follow suit.

Oh and by the way, there will be no sponsorship/renumeration or comps given when I talk about commercial products or tech stuff. By product review, that means either I bought, used, rented, leased or came across and actually utilized something being sold on the open market for either business or pleasure purposes and I have an independent opinion. As much as I drive and travel you know that there is a need for me to partake in stuff that eases and comforts someone that spends so much time away from home. For those that really know me, Then you already know about my other ventures that pay the mortgage and car notes around here.

Once again, I am sorry for not utilizing this medium in a manner that is consistant with grown folk and what they do. Change gon' come soon, okay?

How I Got Over You

I laughed aloud.

It took more time that I wanted to admit
But my hurdle was accomplished in humor.

We were more than common,
my drive matched your determination
you opened me with your words
I made time to communicate
I gained a new hustle in effort to get next to you
Never had so much thought been conjured up in my mind

By way of a train ride.
In my moment of support, I held back my other hand
Never to deceive...

But in my presentation I had to remain clandestine
I hid my means from you

But in order to see you and still be knee deep in my thing
I hustled opposite in the manner that I spoke up my life
Nah, no one died or got hooked from my dealings,
I gentrified to pay my tithes.
My actions caused some to be uprooted but...

It fueled my desire and made me make time

Just to be close to you... Girl.
For a moment, baby
For a moment, baby

And in that time I dug deeply
You illuminated the dark tunnels
Nonsense became common knowledge
I felt lighter because you lifted me but I should have known

You never made any real effort to pick me up.
And I was too busy keeping my right hand from your sight
Funding the left... To really see
That your light never really illuminated me
I was just that push you'll need

I pushed you.

And you never got chance to know me
You sat yourself across from me
My name became transparency
That night, checked texts, frigidity
With all that light, I could not see

You gained pleasure in ignoring me.


So I think back to those last moments in the flesh
And how things didn't happen
With all that was left unsaid
How things crumbled in my eyes but worked as your perfect plan
And how I suffered

Then I realized that as I hid my hand
Only to hide from you my method of finance you showed me both of yours
And with each palm

Emptiness.

The perfect comedy to my hapless tragedy

This wasn't the first time I doubled down when the dealer drew 21.
I hadn't played my last card, in fact...
I was at the beginning of my deck.

So I kept playing.

Had both of my hands on the table for some time now.
I never had to fool the dealer.

How did I get over you?
I realized that I was dealt in a very long time ago.
Fear of losing will prevent you to play your real hand
I lost.
But as I kept playing, I've won way more than I have lost.
Even when the game has dealt me queens.
Your comedy to my tragedy.

I just chuckle...

Cathartic, I guess.


Written on the fly in the moment - 2009 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo - Sho Nuff' ~ Ya' Dig?

(Working Title) Englewood Kids

I started typing and only got so far... Forgive me. Things are well and I keep busy. I'm also getting some writing in as you can see from the passages below. I got more but I haven't touched my bed since yesterday morning...


He had never felt as lost as he was in this moment. Indeed, he was the new kid and he felt out of place as he stood on his stoop. The neighborhood kids played just a distance away and they kept an eye on each other, them wondering when he would come out to the sidewalk to address and he wondering if one or all of them would run over to the bottom step and invite him to partake in their fodder.

This was only different in the fact that he never thought that he would ever end up here. His parents worked to the point of him not seeing them during the week, also knowing that he was one of the few kids at school that actually lived in a house. Families in the big city were apartment dwellers. The only other family he knew that lived in a home as big as his was his cousin.

There were good memories had from the summer he spent at his aunt and uncle’s house. Times have changed and so has his family’s status after his father died in an accident at the auto plant a few months ago. He barely saw his mother anymore. When she wasn’t crying alone in her bedroom she was working one of her three jobs, studying for night school or sleeping. He was basically on his own these days and this was the first summer living in the brownstone apartment he now called home. No more summers with his cousin, no more as his dad called it ‘country adventures’.

He never thought his situation would change like this. Remembering going over to grandma’s house and driving through these neighborhoods. He was an outgoing kid, not afraid to address a stranger and not scared to explore new places, but this was too surreal to wrap his brain around:

Older boys hanging on the corner
Lawns with no grass growing in them
Stores with speakers on the outside of the front door, music blaring
Random kids running amok
Vacant lots and run down buildings blending in with neighbors next door watering non-existing plants
Fire hydrants open, kids and auto traffic merging with little to no effort
Women dressed like they’re going swimming with their church shoes on walking the dark places of the back streets
Weird-looking churches right on the same street as the liquor store
So many liquor stores… And the activity around them

He thought it was the story he saw on the TV each night on the news. He thought he would never be a part of it so he casually ignored it. Some of his father’s co-workers lived in these areas be he never knew which one. A few of the kids came to the repast and funeral with their parents and he remembered being in the room separated as the grown folks bantered about and recalls how loud these kids were. They seemed to be more open and loose with their expression that he remembered being taught so he remained quiet. And now he stood on the stoop of his new home carefully observing this same kids wondering if they would ever make contact.

They remained observers of each other until one kid walked over to the bottom step of the brownstone and addressed the neighborhood’s new edition:

“Hey, what’s up?”
“Hey.”
“I’m David, what’s your name, man?”
“I’m Kevin.”
“You got any brothers or sister man, or is it just you over here?”
“Nah, it’s just me.”
“That’s cool. I got a little brother. He messes up everything. You wanna go walking around?”
“Go walking where? I don’t know a whole lot about around here.”
“Don’t worry man, it’s the hood, ain’t much to know unless somebody starts fighting or the man comes through.”
“The man?”
“Yeah, you know. The cops, the fuzz, mister Charlie and em’.”
“The police?”
“Yea man. They always messing with folks around here. My dad calls em’ get stoppo.”
“You mean Gestapo – the German killer police?”
“Yeah, just like them dudes from history class. Sometimes they go around killing folks for no good reason, but that’s just the dudes that got dope though. Them Gestapo dudes popped my daddy’s brother three years ago. What you know about some German history anyway?”
“That’s all we ever learn about in history at my school anyway is about the war and how that holocaust changed how we do things. My pops used to tell me that there was some sort of a black holocaust but…”
“He ain’t around no more”
“Shoot, my daddy ain’t either. He split too?”
“Naw, was in an accident.”
“And y’all moved here? Dang man. But don’t worry though, ain’t too many kids here ever seen their daddy, the just be hanging out.”

They talked on the stoop for about an hour and then they started to walk around, David showing Kevin the neighborhood. As Kevin toured what was his new hangout and home, he wondered what would become of him amid the madness and noise, sirens and loud music. He studied this kid and wondered what made him of all people endear himself to a total stranger and wondered aloud sometimes why he was so open when all the other kids just looked and never spoke.

As they walked and explored, he imagined himself as just one of the boys hanging out on the corners looking as if her was protective of all the abandoned buildings and vacant lots. He knew that he would have to make everything he took in familiar, this was his new home and he had to know it like the back of his hand. The one thing he never knew is how much he’s need the knowledge of the lay of that land… Kevin’s world would indeed change as much as he would become a product of this new environment.

I Still Have New Orleans On My Mind

You can taste it in the stale air at or about 3am. You know its time to go home, but you paid to get here and folks are still crowding the streets and the live music keeps calling you. You have another drink, your belly is full of seafood, rice and beans. You probably would wake up and have a little wine out of the fridge like I would if you were at home standing in the dark, the icebox light illuminating the kitchen and dining room. I would sit at the table and have a good glass of chilled merlot, even if I have to get up and do my due diligence in mere hours.

But you're in New Orleans and it strikes you that damn near every native you come across keeps saying hello. Yep, there is an excuse in celebrating that.

So we're two days into our escapade around the Big Easy and it ain't even the weekend but it feels like it. I think my nightcap every night except for the last one consisted of a frozen daiquiri with either Captain Morgan, 151 or Everclear in it. And I friggin' loved it! We spent more than a work week in the Crescent city and it went something like:

sleep in late
roam the French Market
eat fresh seafood in the French Quarter
ride a rail car
walk
eat fresh seafood outside the French Quarter
shop
gamble (I gotta keep my card count)
have a good, stiff drink
sight see stuff
have more fresh seafood
hit Bourbon Street
listen to great live music
have another good, stiff drink
hit the hay before sunset... literally

There was a five day blur of walking about the French Market, light shopping and eating well with a slight touch of alcohol, and it was exactly what both my wife and I needed to take the edge off living and gallivanting through a city like Chicago. This diverse and small gulf city with these diverse and generous people pitted in the midst of rebuild treated everyone off the boat, plane and bus like a family known house guest, giving them access to everything in the house, including the medicine cabinet.

The best thing about wandering through the second oldest city in America is its blend of natural mystic of gulf swamp, the architecture of both the French and Spanish and the tangible markings of history. The businesses and residents simply gut out some of its buildings in the French Quarter and Market, keeping the facade and frame whilst adding business and modernization to areas of the city long past 300 years old. The central business district and downtown areas are classic metropolis. Glass, steel, shops and stores make up where wheeling and dealing takes place. There still isn't enough money to overtake what Canal and Bourbon can make in a night, but things are coming up. The rebuild will do exactly what big business wants it to do. I'm not a fan of gentrification, but I do understand that the footprint of the rich that want to play will overtake the will of the street vendor in a mere few years.

I'll still want to visit and lobby for the poeple.

Damn, I haven't even waxed on about the arts, the music and the damn food...

Oh, and we did visit Mid City, Lakeview and the Lower Ninth Ward.

Around The Big Easy (A Picture Essay Cause' I'm Lazy)

(Update) Walking To New Orleans

I've been to this place before. That's what I was thinking as I took I-10 around into the city. I remember coming to this place as a drunk heathen in undergrad and the times I drove thru as a truck driver. I remember arriving at ground zero less than a year after Katrina and thinking that is was akin to something I saw in an old science fiction movie. New Orleans was very quiet in 2006 and you couldn't get in via interstate 10 because Lake Pontchartrain took it but now, 10 was like a main artery feeding trucks and cars into one of the most tragically beautiful places I ever laid my eyes on.

At one time I thought I'd get a woman pregnant and would have to move here to take care of her and properly raise my seed. A classmate from high school moved there and at one time I had a little 'business' in the Big Easy. New Orleans has a few memories tucked away involving lil' old Hassan. For the most part, I was too drunk to remember much. That never stopped me from wanting to go back even though coming back this time would be damn scandalously different. I headed to the Crescent City last week with my wife.

This time I hit Bourbon Street as a family man. No frat, no business partner trying to get me to hook up with that fine ass divorce from accounting during the morning seminar. No truckers telling me not to buy any hand crafted art because the bones and spirit of the dead inhabit the ceramic and stone. No hanging out at sporting events with drunk Army buddies... I was minutes from checking into a French Quarter hotel with my other half.

I was taking vacation, so I was primed to act accordingly. Even though I really wanted a drink.

And some crawfish.


My time keeps getting away from me, so I'll blog as I go. Look for more of this throughout the day and over the weekend. I'll time stamp things as well...


_________________________________________________________________
Friday - 6:50 PM

A long time ago I was a different person. I was this arrogant asshole of a man standing only on my military accomplishments, half of it the public could not know. I was a young, black Karl Rove, headed to New Orleans with a smirk on my face because I knew some things others didn't, got through a bunch of red tape and political bullshit and now it was time to celebrate. It was the first time I took a vacation as an adult and it was myself and a few Army cats actually calling our trip a sane form of raping and pillaging. Raping the bars of its liquid gold and pillaging (or filtering) through the different kinds of women Nawlins had to offer. We were young, fit and trim and we survived war so you could tell us nothing. That was almost twenty years ago and I can remember nothing but getting there and using a cell phone for the first time to call a mate from my old unit out of Colorado that was already there. Other than that, the call of alcohol rung in my ears and the feeling of numb stung me from my fingers to my toes.

I remember the feeling of alcohol and not walking the Quarter or being in the hotel. I remember being downtown accessing the lobby but I can't remember much else except for me going to the airport to head to Chicago. I remember my mother picking me up from the airport and me riding the expressway back into the heart of the south side wondering why I felt the way I did when I left Korea. Oh, I drank heavily there too, every day. New Orleans is a welcoming city but it feels like your are no longer in the States. The warm feeling welcomes to to the neighborhoods and the banks east and west of the central business district but if you choose to stay downtown or in the French Quarter, you are in a foreign country. I miss home so much that back in the day I'd drink myself numb in order to function normally.

I got that feeling once my wife and I got to the hotel room. All I wanted to do is drop my bags and get out on the Quarter. Our accommodations were on Dauphin, so we were one block away from Bourbon smack dab in the middle of the Quarter. We checked in, checked our respective emails and looked at each other. How do I show her that I am not the monster I was twenty years ago? Didn't have to. She looked at me and said: "Let's go get a drink." When we walked outside and headed to Bourbon, all of the tingly feelies came back.

And I smelled craw daddies.

Shit, it's the Thursday after Fat Tuesday and the Quarter seemed empty. Oh, it was only 8 o'clock and we were both standing in front of one of those walk up daiquiri joints. I didn't know if my wife had a hurricane before but we bought one for each of us and I also got a huge cup of Heineken. Here I am, double fisting adult beverages with my wife and she performed some of the hardest sipping I had ever seen. She was trying very hard to get to the bottom of that cup. Them Bourbon street beverages will do that to ya. I reminded her that we had all night, still had to eat and that the drink was laced with Everclear. We stumbled down to one of the best restaurants on Bourbon and all I could think was introducing my wife to fried alligator. Once I got some semblance of beans and rice..

Death And Taxes

I was on my way to posting about my trip to Nawlins yesterday but a couple of things got in the way. A good friend from my immediate past and old high school chum passed away and I had errands to run, you know... Stuff to do.

I picked up a new suit yesterday an I gotta run to my tailor to get it fitted. Then I have more errands to do. Stuff. To do.

I'll pontificate (thanks LadyLee) on my so-called vacation later.

Coffee And Beingnets

I'm waking up in the French Quarter one mo' gin'. The wife and I already got up and took a walk over to the car. Coffee and beignets will be the order of the day, we'll shop and then head home later this evening. I took a lot of photos of New Orleans but only one seems to describe my most recent stay:




More on my trip when I return to Chicago and the cold.

At least it didn't snow. Like in Atlanta where we almost ended up.