Doctor, Doctor

I didn't feel guilty as I sat across from her. This was the same woman I stripped in front of a handful of weeks earlier confidently asking about medications, fasting and such. I was surprised how things went that day, I just never knew how this so-called non date would affect me in coming home.

I was in Houston and I was in a funk. I thought I was where I was supposed to be and I appreciated every bit of it. A month or two earlier I was in Chicago trudging through the winter months going to a job I didn't want any part of while keeping my ex-girlfriend's couch warm and putting up with her boyfriend. Don't ask how I got there, the ex and I figured out right after she cheated on me how we were perfect and better off as friends than we were lovers. After getting back into Chicago her couch was available, so I took it and crashed there for a moment.

I was trying to get back into the trucking industry after suffering an injury to my shoulder. When going through the application process, the fed gives a mighty gauntlet to get over in order to drive and I failed the physical. I had pneumonia but worse I was diabetic. There was someone that was showing me interest down in Texas and I asked if I could come there and get some help getting back on my feet and she said yes. I got a free ticked to better weather and what I though would be better environment for me employment-wise and creatively.

Neither happened, and most of it had to do with where I wanted to be.

Houston was what I expected coming from the south side of Chicago and getting employed was a challenge. The environment provided by my host and her friends was exactly as advertised, but by the time I got to the end of the summer things began to fall apart. I went to the Houston VA and there was another sister really eager to assist me in getting back on point, and that was unexpected.


It took damn near two months to get an appointment with the VA and I did not miss my initial appointment after getting notification in the mail. I knew I was in for an EKG, a stress test and about ten other challenges as well as me knowing that I would get poked, prodded and would be giving up blood so we can get a plan in action. When I got to the strip down and put this on portion of the evaluation I knew some old, white cat would stroll in and lecture me about too many lipids, the downfall of red meats and such, so why did I freeze up when a sister about my age came walking into the room and identified herself as my evaluating doctor?

Our conversation was long and detailed. She made me tell her everything without even asking. Here I was half naked and overweight, hair standing on top of my head after running on a treadmill and all she could do was look me in my eye and tell me what I needed to do to get back on track health-wise so we could get together and do a little something and me not die from her putting it on me.

It never dawned to me that she was a doctor and saw dudes much worse off than me at the VA and I had some sort of redeeming quality that had her interested in me particularly. It was she who extended her number and asked if I would be cool having dinner with her as she handed me prescriptions for an anti-depressant, high blood pressure medication, blood thinners and aspirin. She also advised me that as long as I had stress, high blood pressure and was on the mood altering pills that I would have side effects other than the ones I was having before I started taking the drugs.

Fast forward a few weeks later and here we were at a hotel right off downtown and I was nervous. I caller her after a few weeks of arguments, emotional ups and downs and me complaining about being in Texas and me practically being dared to leave and change my situation on my own by my host. Here I thought I was going to hook up with this doctor and that she could help me take the edge off and get back on track sexually, that wasn't even the case. Our conversation went from one extreme to the other and I was amazed in this woman's patience and eagerness to assist.

She asked me the most outlandish questions, from her initial amazement that I was actually taking the drugs she prescribed to how things like how my libido and circulation would never be the same. She questioned my motives about being in Houston and asked me if I was in love with another sister from Texas that I had been in constant contact with for a year and some change previous to me coming there. She challenged me to follow my heart and leave the man made chemicals alone and also convinced me to go to Chicago alone for vacation.

She knew that I was damaged goods and had painted myself in a corner in being where I was across the table from her, but she also dug me like an old soul record and knew as long as the right DJ came along the needle would be put in the right grooves...

"I did her, not just to say that I did it
But I'm committed, but so many niggaz hit it
That shes just not the same lettin' all these groupies do her
I see niggaz slammin' her, and takin' her to the sewer
But imma take her back hopin' that the shit stop
Cause who I'm talkin' bout y'all is hip-hop"

Common - 'I Used To Love H.E.R.


It turned out to be a short lived affair... She knew what my ailments were and still gave me play. She recommended that I stop taking the drugs and follow my heart and deal with my physical shortcomings holistically, and I did. She told me to go home and be around folks that wanted to be around me and stop playing with my own heart and others. She knew that things would only rotate between us a few times so she told me to make the phone calls that would change my life and I did. From the time that we shared dinner at a non-descript restaurant in Houston, Texas to the time I went 'home' for a weeks vacation last year, all of the things she told me would happen did.

I doubted the shit out of her, but I giver her credit because she knew.

She emailed me the other day and asked if I was enjoying Chicago, like she knew I was here. She didn't, so I replied back to her and told her the wife and I are adjusting to the big city well.

That was the first time I got only a smiley face in the body of an email.

A Scared Negro Will Get You Killed

So let me catch up...

Now you have to choose.

Straight from the pages of the Willie Lynch handbook, you let someone else dictate to you who is valid and who isn't via sound clips and because we have a solid history of explaining our suffrage to master one of the choices has to explain himself?

What?

Wait... both choices had to explain themselves...

Wait, only one of em' is running.

The black candidate had to explain himself AND throw the distraction under the proverbial bus because none of "them" liked the preacher's expressions because it was scary talk.

Problem is, as the preacher talked everyone had something negative to say about the candidate, but

NO ONE TOOK THE PREACHER TO TASK OVER WHAT HE SAID

Normally, when a person is "talking out the side of his neck", the powers that be challenges that person's crazy talk and charges them as a liar because we all know that crazy talk is nothing but lies, but...

I guess Jeremiah Wright was spewing truths from the pulpit last weekend like a crazy man... And John Hagee never said anything that holds John McCain liable or nothing that Bill Clinton did or said means nothing to Hillary's candidacy.

Interesting on how certain folks never have to explain.

What this boils down to is the majority doesn't like the minority bringing up its past because the truth indeed hurts and the minority candidate has to distance himself from all things minority in order for the majority to feel comfortable enough until he or she is fully committed to living in the most extreme house niddardly ways, actions and attitude.

And I'm supposed to sing "God Bless AMerikkka?"

If you let yet another distraction from Fox, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, NBC and other corporate owned media outlets and TV soothsayers like O'Reily, Limbaugh, Beck, Cooper, Dobbs and the rest of em' sway you from the issues and Carl Rove your ass into scary politics mode then you are a scared negro regardless what ethnic group you emanate from.

A scared negro will get you killed.

Fellow blog reader, you have the power of the entire universe in front of you at your fingertips in the internet. You feel scared? Okay, here's a little homework assignment from The Brown Blogger:

Prove Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright wrong.

Bring me enough evidence to totally prove him 100% wrong in his theory, truths and his account of history and I will join the scared negro bandwagon and salute the same flag I defended in wartime with no reservations.

I will also take everything my grandparents and parents taught me along with all that Rev Wright, Dr. Claud Anderson and Dr.John Henrik Clarke taught me as well as other scholars from the black, African and native communities and flush it away as utter bullshit.

Since today is liberation day, I challenge you to liberate yourself from the spin and either educate yourself or re-affirm yourself in your own truth in the least.

I also need you to ask yourself why my community has to remain divided over nonsense, why we must continue to explain ourselves to "working class, small-town Americans" and why everyone fears the day that a black man or a woman will hold power over the executive branch of this country.

I also challenge you to answer why black folks in 2008 think they have made it and choose not to fight.

From Sean Bell to the Jena 6, from Rodney King to the federal case exonerating James Earl Ray from the assassination of Dr. King and officially calling it a government conspiracy to commit murder, from Hurricane Katrina to Barack Obama being not black enough, too black, a Muslim, not experienced and now not electable based on what someone else is saying...

Damn near 500 years of being treated like a piece of crap in America from slavery to redlining, to lynchings to overt and institutionalized racism, from being given a God to serve and then having to explain liberation theology to the captors, from lack of credit financially and in the forming of American history to our current living conditions...

Most of y'all don't wanna fight because you'll lose your internet connection.

Or rims
or sub standard paying job
or position in church
or something or another that'll make you feel that you no longer have status or material things.

And to think that your parents uncles and aunts... Grandparents and their peers would take to the streets in order to get free just to get hosed, beaten and attacked by dogs.

And we collectively waste the opportunity and are still marginalized.

I guess I'm going to die soon because there are a lot of scared negroes regardless of their color or background. That saying is from back in the day and it still holds true:

A scared negro will get you killed.

I live amongst a bunch of scared punks that know not how to fight and that have accomplished nothing.

Happy May Day. Enjoy your fight.

Is It A Bird... Flying Over A Woman... With Big Breasteses???

It's been a minute, I know.

I've grown a year older (so some say) and I've just observed the harsh realities of living in America pass by with little to no resistance.

I'm not sad.

Not angry either.

I knew all the time that we were right where we are now because most of us need entertainment and distractions to keep us sane.

Me?

I'm enjoying life and doing pretty much what I want to do. It's hard to get back into some sort of blogging groove when stuff like this is happening. My wife and I spend a whole lot of time together and we've done the extreme/tv/naked couch thing just as much as we've crossed into five states so far in the big rig. She tries to hang in there as my co-pilot but her seat in the truck isn't an air ride seat like mine.

Although I like to watch her breasteses bounce all over the interstate as I navigate Big Baby II (what I call the rig) I gotta get the cargo there safely so my eyes go back to the road. I still peek though. Those are my tits anyway, right? Better than some stranger titties. Stranger titties can't cook or want to soak in the jacuzzi with my smelly, fresh off-the-road ass or likes going out for stir fry. Plus, I know the noise from the truck, my loud-ass old school hip hop and the constant bumps of the road has to be the most uncomfortable thing for my wife ever, so I appreciate her weekly ride outs in the truck with me.

I like the road...

I can't believe that I'm giving that all up to work from home. Haven't set up the office yet, but...

I don't like the reality of working from home. A little too confining for me but I gotta do for my family. And I secretly want her to go back to work and let me take maternity leave when the baby comes. That'll make working from home cool.

Until I get drowend out by a screaming child with a client on the phone...




Did I just blog about my wife's breasts?

And a baby?


Okay, I'm out.

Here's a promise: I'll blog EVERYDAY IN THE MONTH OF MAY
Well, that's the plan. But it's April right now, so....


I gotta go.

Words From A Blissfully Happy Dude

You ever wonder if this is the place you're supposed to be?

I stopped asking myself that question a while ago.

I was just on the phone with my sister in spirit talking about being in the right place at the right time with the right people in the right situation regardless what other people want for you. We ended up talking about being knee deep in what other folks wanted for you and how it kills you in tiny particles the longer you stay in it.

I realized a while ago that I'm not standing knee deep in someone else's doo doo.

I also realized that even though I went down a path I had no clue about I am where I want and need to be. Even though I never wanted to get married or have children or be a family man. It took my blog crush from the peach state and all of the shit she muddled thru to motivate me to do what I did in 06' in just trashing everything and starting over from scratch.

Even though I dialed into someone that was too busy finding and developing self and needed me in a different capacity in which she hadn't vocalized...

Befriended a sister that I should have befriended first so I could have taken her works and writings to heart and to spirit instead of attempting to date her...

I know I took the right path to where I am now.

I never intended to marry my wife when I did. Don't get it twisted, I'm glad I did and our relationship over the years has led me to being in this place but that wasn't my original intent, the marriage part that is. I got the engagement ring the day I was to fly to Vegas and knew the night I proposed that I was to lock this relationship up forever. I wasn't that unsure about marriage but I had questions about the timing of things. Weird though... Everything we did from the night I landed in Vegas to the day we got married was supposed to happen. And that happened without our consent.

Glad it did though. Being in that time and place was an immense blessing.

That's when I knew that it had absolutely nothing to do with my music, poetry or business dealings I aligned myself with when I returned to Chicago. My family comes first, and I am just a bit player in that whole movement and I have to do what I must to maintain family ties, grow that in the name of love and be rich in its movement. The moment I stepped back from myself in all of my selfishness things immediately got better.

I already knew who I was and what I could do.
I already knew what needed to be done to further self and gain from that monetarily.
I already had the knowledge and skill set to help me do what I wanted.

All of that 'knowledge' got me nowhere fast in the past.

What I didn't know is that I had to get a box of nails instead of trying to always swing the damn hammer. I also had to have faith that whoever had the hammer wasn't going to smash my damn fingers as I held the nail.

That means we're building the roof in the grand scheme of things in our lives. The foundation was already there and everyone from my sibs and extended family and friends to my wife in her dealings ignored that it was standing right there in our faces and we acted like it didn't exist. I guess that's why Jesus was a carpenter, huh?

I'm supposed to be right here in Chicago with my family building and not in Atlanta chasing things that aren't there for me.

I'm supposed to be a husband, a father, a son, brother or uncle because what we create and cultivate whether it be nieces and nephews, cousins or siblings or big up one of my many parents is the support we need to have in order to be a strong unit. What we have accomplished since my return family wise has been amazing. Blame my great aunt for cussing us to get out collective shit together and bonding and doing for each other like we never have before. Elders are elders for that reason. That was the catalyst for change, and so far the support has been a great reason for other family member's successes. Even got a cat out of jail. He went to work the same day he got bailed out. And to think, they fired him the day he got arrested.

I'm supposed to look at my life and see more than just myself, and that's where family and friends come in. I couldn't see that back then because although there were other people that helped and assisted me, some folks were right there but for all the wrong reasons. That ain't a slight to anyone in particular, it's just the truth. Since I got out of the military in 1992, there have been many standing right there prepping to be in the family picture but only a few actually remain to be photographed. For whatever reason... Most of the folks that have been there have my blood running through their veins or is close to someone that has.

I'm not supposed to tell you wheat I'm doing these days. For a few that come through here (just a few), the hateration level, sarcasm and doubt remains at levels too high to measure. Just because you cannot do doesn't mean we haven't already done.

My spirit comes first. For some that's God or something, someone or some things in the spiritual realm. After that comes my wife and then my family and friends. Now days when I have something to say that I'd want to blog about or something or another I can turn over in bed, call my brother or sister or say it to a friend over a cold adult beverage.

That's what's up.

Or I can always call my lawyer.

Or my little sister in the spirit.

I think that's how things are supposed to be in my little world. I'm settling into my home (nee: The Compound), still flying around the country (and driving less) to visit new family and friends. Prepping for huge events and squeezing in vacation time while maintaining quality time with my other half. I'm having fun and enjoying being who I am, where I am.

I thank my unseen muse (remember that piece?). I still think about you and am glad you're doing well. You still remain to be exactly what you've always been, but...

Someone else is having my baby. I love her dearly and am glad that we chose each other. That was right and exact in the eye of The Creator and I'm excited in seeing what tomorrow brings us. As for you, I already see that what we talked about is on its way.

And you still inspire me to write the hot shit.

Alyson, Langston and the DOD don't have to call that far in advance... I think we'll get an itinerary beforehand anyway...

And I think we'll know when The Second Sixty-Eight is coming...

And I still have thoughts of a life happy in a shade of creativelyblue...





I have no idea what I just blogged about... I was just typing and have no desire to delete what I just said. And why should I?

Whatever It Takes

I am amazingly lazy when it comes to blogposts these days. I've gotten complacent and trust me when I say that this is a good thing. For most of my adult life I resisted a life like this when it is exactly what I both wanted and needed. The trust issues I had with myself and others manifested in me doing things and being in places that I either didn't want or like or wasn't supposed to be in the first damn place.

I can't get mad at myself like I want to because I would have never gotten here. I needed to do all of the things I needed to do in order to keep this timeline. I'm one of those folks that believe in the time-space continuum. All of the actions, events and emotions from back in the day are absolutely necessary for me to be right here, right now. Any variation would have me someplace else, miserable and wishing that I could get it over quickly.

And I know that some of y'all that stop thru here wish I was that miserable, lost non-person that used to rant and rave all over the place all unhappy and thangs wishing that my life could end just as quick as some of the BS that came thru and affected my life, but no. In this moment I cannot be that person because he is long dead. And rightfully so. He served no purpose whereas I... Well, you know about me these days.

The poetry is still being written, it's just not being shared with you.

Whatever it takes y'all.

Take no offense to song and written word not being put in this place, like years ago when I existed in a more blissfully ignorant state I have outlets other than here on Blogger for my outbursts. There is more to life than trying to squeeze the extremes of life here on the internet. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have a life partner that I can trust with everything and just a little while ago I could look you in the eye and tell you that a person like that did not exist.

Well, they didn't.

I never knew that I'd find completion right under my nose. Not like that. Really. Seems right though because I've known her like forever but never thought that it could be her. I'm grateful that things in this universe move the way that they do.

Lazy blogposts.

Days without thinking about coming here even though my 85% of my job is done over the internet and I'm still writing and composing. I guess when I get the urge I will still share. Maybe not. I got a lot of White Sox games to attend.

And after last night, hanging out with my best friend could be defined either with my brother, my road dog or my wife. The synergy in the oneness of that statement meaning the same thing is life changing for me. A lot of us cannot make that happen for the life of us, but I know now I can.

Now, all we need to do is get our singles together for the strip club...

I'm kidding.

Unless my wife likes to go... Knowing where a stripper has been spoils the experience for me, so I normally chaperon those field trips, hang out in the back and not drink in attempts to keep my dogs from overspending, fighting and overindulging in the cheap adult beverages offered in those spots. I'll have to check and see is she wants to go. That'll be an adventure.

Just hold the 151 please.

Other than that, I'll keep up my incocnegro pace and enjoy being in this moment. I still know the web address, I'll be around.

Its Memphis, Man...

It's Monday night and I think I just got the use of both of my nostrils since sometime last year. May not mean crap to you but it has great significance to me. It's been so long since I've been able to breathe using my entire nose.

It was a nice, quiet weekend I had.
Hope yours was just as good.

My other half and I was supposed to spend the weekend in Memphis. I've never been to the Lorraine Motel and really wanted to go this past but, we just didn't go. She even suggested that I go by myself while she visited folks back in her old home state but I balked at going to something so significant alone.

I didn't want to be in Memphis by myself. Not without my anchor. It would have been too much emotionally with rededications, reflecting, marching and all, so I put in a little work and she didn't have to take time Friday and today away from the new gig. We'll save that for later this month I guess.

We did spend a quiet weekend here at the compound.
We did get out so we could walk it out.
Shared breakfast, lunch, dinner and breakfast again (wash, rinse and repeat) with no interruptions from outsiders... That was friggin great right there!

Sounds pretty boring to you maybe, but being right here, right now in this moment is as cool as the other side of the pillow.

I'm going to watch the rest of the national championship game, go soak with my Yobo and prep for another day. My mother always says that it's right there in front of you. If I wake up tomorrow then I'll get to it when I get there. Tonight, I'm just going to enjoy what's in front of me.

Hey, stop reading this and go do the same.

I'm so proud of you Brother Derrick. From the Chi, to Memphis to San Antonio... Champ has a nice ring to it.

Hometown!!! The crown jewel of the 'Dream Team'

Shouts to Kansas for bring defense and their 'A' game.

Fin.

Friday and Photosynthesis

I mean, really...

I'm not even in the mood to blog anymore. Not that I feel like I'm running out of things to say or wax poetically about, I'm just content in the place that I am right now. Blame my wife for that.

After getting to Chicago and settling in at the compound I knew I was home. I knew that my futurebabymomma was going to be all fertilized up with my seed and bare the Ntimbanjayo linage. I had a feeling that family ties would bind just a little tighter, and it has.

• My mother and mother in-law consistently calls everydamnday
• Conversation with my sis every 90 days or so but talks to my other half all the time
• My brothers and I... Are brothers
• My health is optimal

I can count the years since I've been this content with the way things are in my life. It almost feels unreal. I wish everyone can get to this point in life and actually know that it exists. I feel like... Aw, eff it... TIME FOR A POEM!!!

Photosynthesis

Each breath that I take is triumph over my adversity

Once long ago I stammered and strained to keep my lungs full
and now a happy pain from over strain puts a wince on my face due to over breathing

isn't THAT something?

Every inhale is a minor accomplishment inside of a major movement.

The prime example of the intricacies that is the makeup of my singular existence and the example of how other organisms evolve from simple nothingness happens every time I strain for air

From molecules of moisture that battle and clash with each ounce of oxygen being drawn deep into cavernous flesh captured to fuel movement, feelings and cognitive thought mindlessly racing thru tubes of darkness enriching my bloodstream invoking silly little ditties that pass as thought invoking thought, never does the subtle act of this fraction of a second


or any other


occur in my mind that this process was created by the highest order enriching the lowest of the low free and equal to everyone and happening at the exact same moments

as mine...

So I let it go. I exhale.

Releasing particles and gaseous fractions of nothingness that bond with itself under the sun self-recycled, traveling at the speed of sound running smack dab into another organism just to fuel its tiny existence

Being absorbed and released
absorbed and released
absorbed and released
changing in its chemical makeup but enriching all that it touches all the same

And I, just a tiny speck of organic being needing just a tiny bit of blanket of this that surrounds and absorbs all that it touches gets just a little more of it in every count of this unequal rhythm we share but never acknowledge

You just breathed my air
I couldn't help but absorb what you expelled...


and you vice versa

I guess that means we're kindred.

I guess that means we function on the same parameters of all things in this omniverse.

Overstand?

I guess that means I'm free.
Just as you are...
And to think, yesterday I could not breathe

And now, as I always have I depend on your participation in the grand scheme of things


Yours depends on my reciprocation as well.



So is my happy the result of our human acts of photosynthesis... Or am I happy that I just get a little air?
written on the fly in this moment...
2008 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo - Sho Nuff, Ya Dig?

Don't Ever Give Me Time To Think About A Blogpost...

I'm still around.

I'm taking time to get out of boxes, learning to share this massive space with my other half (you should have a child or a mid-sized pet if you have anything over 2000 square feet like we have), making a transition out of the truck (yeah, that's happening) and learning to ride a motorcycle (somewhat, gas mileage is better) with my time back in Chicago.

My other half works in the burbs so adjustment to the city and learning the commute is her current assignment. I think the shear size of both the city and the new digs (hence named the compound) are a little intimidating. There is also a concern about the neighborhood. I grew up in this area (we relocated to the Bronzeville area on the south side of Chicago... Look that up. History, y'all) and I know it well. I also cut my teeth as a poet and musician gigging in places that are long gone. Some are still here, but exist in a different aspect.

The area has a rich tradition of black history and it's currently being gentrified. There are tons of young, black professionals and upper crust blue-collar folk that have flocked here and the change is very visible for me. My wife can't see that right now because in most gentrified areas there is what I like to call 'the nigger element'. It's sad that some folks aren't able to hold on during a transition such as this. Folk try hard to hold on to the old-school values of the hustle that just doesn't work when higher priced real estate, shops and entertainment venues hit a neighborhood. Some folks don't want to give into growth and economic development and shun the change which means in a few months to years they'll be priced out of the neighborhood.

I hate that, but I welcome it as well in some aspects. I have faith in my people to adapt, adjust and make the necessary changes to prosper.

The grime and crime of the big city exists everywhere, I just get tired of pointing that out to my wife. We need time to adjust, me to her adjusting and her to adjust to big city life. It's not hard but I do realize and recognize that she ain't from these here parts and I have to be an ambassador. I was fine with my commute to the Pacific Northwest, but we made a decision to be closer. To each other, to family and to, well... The city.

So we're here.

And because of that, I have to remove myself from the road, but it's cool. After I hang a couple of TVs on the wall and make sure we're wired for the matrix things should be settled. We have 2 living rooms to decorate (upstairs and down) and between furniture stores big and small and with the help of a few items from Ikea we should be comfy in a few days. Well at least at home we'll be, but it starts from there, right? I just need time to let the city grow on my other half, so for the time being, I will be a guide. I'm good at guiding.

Plus I like concerts, shows, sporting events and dining out and Chicago has plenty of that.

Advantage, Hassan.

Oh, and further more... We're working on adding additional residents to the home. All in due time though. No cryptic message here, so stop that. One thing at a time, okay?


_________________________________________________________________

I would like to say for the record that one reason that I haven't blogged is because I am a member of Trinity United Church of Christ. Of course I hear the cries of cultism, racism, hate spewing and other isms. I refuse to address this because (get ready) this is utter bullshit.

After reading literally thousands of comments on blogs, watching Fox, CNN, MSNBC, the Posts (New York, Washington and the like), AJC, and the Chicago papers as well as other countless electronic media thingamajigs I see that folks still believe everything they see and hear and are fed by both the left and the right.

I will not defend Jeremiah Wright because he is a grown man and only speaks for himself and not others. I will not disown, disavow or separate myself from him not because he was my pastor, but because I agree 100 percent with the things he said. I will not urge anyone to either read transcripts or watch entire videos because all we need is a 30 second sound byte in order to get true understanding of what anyone says, right?

Never have I seen anyone get questioned for something someone else said under the guise of free speech and/or freedom of religion. I as a black man am tired as hell of having to explain myself to white folk (I said it) in order to be validated as whole when my ancestors built this country off of free labor and never profited from it. I'm tired of these Uncle Tom house negroes getting on TV polarizing things unnecessarily. Funny how certain folks can question someones minister and not even question theirs. Or others.

From what I read and heard, we have a long way to go in race relations. A lot of non-black folk think that black folk are naturally inferior and that non-black folk have to set programs and regulate black folk's behavior in order for us to prosper. A lot of non-black folk think that ALL of our jobs and positions come via affirmative action and are angry that it gives us an advantage. A lot of non-black folk still think that we are a savage people and that they had to give us their god (Jesus included) in order to save us from our own destruction because we know no better.

A lot of non-black folk feel that we have to give up all that is our lineage and disavow Africa in order to not be threatened as Americans. A lot of non-black folk are afraid of Islam, even though Israel and Ismail makes them cousins, Jesus himself was a Jew and Christianity was established more than 400 years after Christ left Earth, whereas the descendants of the house of Ismail were already here reading the Qur'an. A lot of non-black folk that recently came to America in the last 100 years claim ignorance to slavery and wonder why we get angry over being made whole via transaction for all of that free labor when companies like JP Morgan/Chase only exist because of the bankable gazillions made over the years off of the backs of the slave and the Jim Crow regulated black person and they either blend right in or are accepted and can assume the old formulas of gaining wealth when it is hard to get the same deal for folks that have been here, struggling.


A lot of non-black folk think that we support and fund terrorism and never give thought to black folk being terrorized for 500 years via kidnapping, slavery, the KKK and other supremacist groups, Jim Crow, benign neglect, lack of funding of the school systems, separate but unequal, welfare and welfare reform, human control such as the Tuskegee Experiment, change of diet to European standards that cause Diabetes, cancers and the like, the imbalance of the criminal justice system and racial profiling, the theft of labor, music (such as Jazz and Hip Hop) and literature of folks of African descent, the banning of travel and trade to African nations, the support of Apartheid, giving reparations to folks of Jewish, Japanese and Vietnamese descent, the assassinations of King, El Shabazz, Evers, Newton, Hampton Jr. and so on, and building wealth through slave labor and passing it down to non-black families, fraternal orders and friends via stocks, corporations and trust funds as well as teaching hate, separatism and the general belief that we are an inferior people.

And I don't have a right to be hostile?

Black folk never brought up race... But some folks continue to do so.

How in the hell can someone kidnap us, expect us to grow up as a people in inferior conditions and then get mad at us because we're still here? How can white folks (not all, some) get angry and afraid when we speak of race and the issues we have being who we are? With all that America has done to the world via terrorism wouldn't it be expected that that hate be returned? That's why black folks weren't afraid after September 11th.

We are used to being terrorized!!!

If your family didn't own slaves... Rape and beat them... Give them inferior conditions to live and grow. Sell them off when their families expanded. Take advantage financially of slave labor and cheap labor of free black folk's labor... There is still guilt because those families still prospered in a society where it was law to do so. If our people didn't have a voice due to being chattel and not voting citizens how could we have benefited? The government was allowed to buy, sell and trade our ancestors as well and gained financially off of this. The government regulated the law and after abolishment changed laws only to have us still not be heard and relegated us to the back of the bus and so on. So the homes, cars and trust funds... The college educations, union positions and patronage on the job... The standards and practices that brought affirmative action to the workplace was all the advantage your folks had over us.

We can run in the race now but how can we win when non-black folks had the biggest head start known to man?

Today we no longer ask, we get in where we fit in, but that is still a hard thing to do when non-black folk are still eating off the backs of long dead slaves and we cannot get a crumb. So we make stuff up as we go along (like Jazz, Rock and Roll and Hip Hop) and excel at stuff that wasn't designed for us. We create influence through out style, rhythm and flair and try to hold onto it as long as we can, but things like the court systems and community policing skews our trust in the system. The lack of African-American history in mainstream American schools limits the minds of non-black folk and there is disbelief and mistrust (see: Barack Obama) in our capabilities. Patronage still exists. The non-black mindset is still being taught in rural America which means only one thing...

These things have had an effect and currently affect our people mentally, physically, spiritually, economically and obviously socially which means we need to talk... Post haste. We can help you understand. I am not afraid or guilty to talk about it, and neither should non-black America.

This cannot and will not be swept under the rug.

Ntimbanjayo Family Roadtrip Update:

Leg One - Friday Afternoon

Leg one of the Ntimbanjayo family road trip finds me at the airport, patiently waiting to get the hell out of the ignorant, shiftless, lazy-ass employee zone.

I swear I could smack the HR guy or gal who hires these folks.

ME: "Can I bring this unopened bottle of water and fruit cups thru the gate?"

THEY: (not looking in the bag or making eye contact) "No liquids past this point, if it's liquid, you can't get through here"

I guess if she would have looked in the bag and actually heard me...

Never mind. San Francisco is up next, and then I get on a plane so small I might get to fly it into Oregon. After my microbrews.

Oh, and don't think I'm sleeping on the goings on inside the Matrix...

Michigan and Florida actually disenfranchised voters a year ago...

Oh, and speaking of Michigan, did Kwame say 'nigger' at the State Of The D?

It's not that Hil is racist, I think not. A lot of folk believe that Barack is a phenomenon. The whole thing is a fluke to have made it this far. No one planned past super Tuesday, that's all. I don't think Geraldine meant any harm it's just some folk think that certain people will vote Democrat regardless of what that party had not done or who represents it.

They really think that this is a case study of a person of color making an impact by enunciating and actually generating interest via a viable platform. Like Shirley, Brother Gregory, Jesse and Rev. Al didn't have one regardless of personality. Some folks just can't believe that a brother can get that far... So this is the response.


Oh snap, time to board.

So far, no one is dead yet. I hope it stays that way. Once we get in the car, that is.

SEACREST, OUT

____________________________________________________________

LEG TWO : Saturday Morning

Finds us leaving Sacramento headed east on I-80 to Reno.

We got bigger hitch put on the truck, got the trailer hooked onto it and packed the whole house with the help of a moving company and filled said trailer all in about 3 and a half hours. We hot the road around 9:30 pm Central time and drug the trailer very slowly up and down I-5 thru great elevations, unhappy truck drivers and snow.

Someone was initially freaked out but I'e done this run in my rig before from Vancouver to Ontario California a few times so things were cool. We got from southern Oregon to Sac-town in under 5 hours and since I wasn't supposed to drive this leg but ended up doing it we took refuge in a name-brand hotel (never doing that again, trust me, next time we stay at the Bates Motel... at damn near a hundred bux? Sheeeeeyit. Gotta keep it cheap mane) and I got some much needed sleep.

Now comes the scenic route... CA to NV to the Sierra Nevadas into Salt Lake City. Old stomping grounds and lunch with an old friend and the kids.

So far, good times and good memories to boot.

________________________________________________________________

UPDATE - Wednesday, 3/11

We made it.

After driving to Sacramento to avoid storms and still getting caught in mountain based, foggy snow snafus... Seeing Reno and salivating all up and thru Lake Tahoe... driving thru Donner's Pass (elevation 8000+ feet) and seeing the clouds meet the mountains while driving over the Continental Divide (elevation OVER 10,000 feet)... Stopping in Salt Lake City and introducing my wife to old friends (we crashed at her spot, good looking out Jodi), laughing thru Cheyenne Wyoming and getting stuck for seven hours on 3 inches of ice on an entrance ramp (I did get good sleep while waiting for emergency services... Finding out that certain truck stops in Nebraska serve good non-Mexican made tacos and folks in Iowa drink plenty of green beer for St Paddy's... Introducing my wife to the world's largest truck stop and rolling thru Chicago morning traffic we made it to find out that the keys to our duplex didn't work. The place has three bathrooms and I was holding my pee all the way from friggin' Joliet...

Luckily we called our agent and he was on the scene in less than ten minutes.

I opened the doors, met the movers as they came to unpack our stuff and took my driving ass to bed.

2409 miles in 55 hours. 7 hours of sleep total. My wife didn't even have to touch the steering wheel. The truck could only tow 1000 pounds, the trailer and hitch with our stuff weighed over 2000. I slept most of the day yesterday. My boss wouldn't let me work.

I woke up yesterday afternoon to the news that I have a NEW truck.

The catch... I gotta drive to Olive Branch, Mississippi to get it.

That's why I got an extra day off... I get it now. So I'm back on the road. Chicago to Mississippi in under 8 hours today.

I am a driving ass.

I'm Building Me A Home... Never Mind, We Paid For It

Peace and blessings fam...


Yep, I've been busy working long hours in shorter timeframes in order to take a few days for my other half and I to embark on our third travel adventure. I'm calling this one:

The Ntimbanjayo Family Road Trip - Volume One

That's right shawty... We're driving 2500-plus miles from southern Oregon to the Chi..

We got a home here so it's time to travel east and settle this house.


Have a great weekend and pray for safety. Pics and video to come when we get home.

Don't Be A Sucker... Sucker!

You're being duped.

You'll be disappointed soon.

Time to leave all of those with personal interests alone and just go out on your own.

It has to happen.

Stop living a lie.

Fighting The Urge... Living The Fight

I don't think I made that last post to make people feel for me or to testify, I was having what I like to call a writing flashback. In my mind, I was comparing then to now.

For me right now, now really feels like then.

I remember how things felt as I was at the cusp of change. I had seasoned myself with those habits I described and even though I knew some of them would take more than others so I pushed on.

In that inception of my life I let bad habit and me falling into the status quo point me in a direction I had problems turning out of. Things feel the same now and I have a strong urge to drink but I haven't and don't plan to.

I look at my wife and look at our moves, stand back and look at the incredible responsibility I have every time I drive eighty thousand pounds and I'm baffled at how numb I am at just doing things. In the past few years I've transformed myself from a single, cubicle dwelling employee living in an oversized suburban condo to whatever I am now. I gave up the condo, sold my just bought car and gave away all of my belongings to go to Utah. When I got there all I had was an army duffel bag full of stuff, a few thousand dollars that I paid to go to trucking school and three people that I spoke to daily to keep me grounded and focused.

In a few months I was driving a truck and actually leased one of those large machines and was driving cross country until I got injured. My lease ended and I went back to Chicago.

Just like that, I was back at square one but things were different. I had no money, no place to stay and no job. It took my sister and brother, my cousin, my ex and a few new found friends to help get me back on track and in that time I hadn't taken a drink to help numb the pain until I got to Houston. The last month and a half there last year found me drinking the equivalent of a six pack a day to numb what I felt was a dire situation for me.

I went to Houston with good intentions and felt like I was duped by those who were helping me. Communication was bad and I had put my tail between my legs and ended back in cubicle land. It was expected of me to do this even though I wanted to get back out on the road and be free. I wanted to be my own boss again. Having that taste of living on my own terms was too much like right and I made bad decisions in where I landed after my injuries and trusted the wrong people so I corrected that, got free and ended up in Chicago once again.

The one person I thought I'd never get a chance to hold court with I married Christmas eve last year. We have known each other since 2005 and I continued to go places and chose to be with people that would have the two of us in different places. I've always known it would be a whole lot to handle fs we were to ever get our lives synced so I never had the idea to pursue her until I got to Chicago last summer. She was one of the folks I kept in contact with as a close friend but I never thought it would be her I would be planning a family with.

But I am.

And knowing of the whole that makes who she is and what she wants... Knowing her plans and dreams and knowing she's planning her life around me makes me feel like I'm cheating her sometimes. I don't know if what I'll do will ever be enough for her and that puts me in a place emotionally i've never been.

I believe if I wasn't responsible for that hundred thousand dollar piece of machinery I'm looking at parked outside my window...

If I didn't care about the folks I drive around all day every day...

If I didn't love to be in the presence of my other half...

If my pay was similar to what I used to earn back in the day...

If I didn't have this opportunity to be my own boss, setting my own hours to have the time to spend with myself out there under just the sun and clouds working on mastering my mind and spirit...

If we weren't planning a family and the ones I call friend didn't give a damn to check in every now and then...

I would be drinking again in heavy quantities. There are times that I wish that I could ingest just enough alcohol to make the pain of progress and the lack of understanding my emotions and the scope of things to come just go away. There are times that I wish I was just numb and non-existent. I would probably add some sort of narcotic to it so I could not be myself. I've opened myself up to so many that have taken advantage in so many situations that required me to be beyond who I am and exposed myself to a few that had ulterior motives just to take a piece of my soul that in some instances when I needed to dig a little deeper and pull a piece of me out to blanket a life situation I thought I can handle it either wasn't there or it was damaged to the point where I had to fake it in order to make it which damaged me ever more.

It's hard to try to cover life situations being damaged goods but there is literally no place to run.

I cannot tell you how I continue to move forward, so I look back to tell myself. It's just sometimes I give y'all a glimpse of who Hassan was before he was Hassan by blogging about it. It hasn't been pretty. I guess me wanting to have a better life and live out the entire story outweighs my desire to be drunk. I'm glad of that. If I were to give in to those urges I wouldn't have anything, and that is one option I absolutely cannot have.

I hate yesterday... Sometimes it feels like today

I remember the first time I was aware of who I was...

It was November 1992 and I had just gotten out of the Army. I was in San Francisco because I had exited the military while stationed in Korea so Uncle Sam sent me to the Presidio to be debriefed and for out processing. That took a little time and I also knew that there was not much that could have been debriefed (my opinion) so I took a lump sum for taking the early out option and enjoyed my stay out on the left coast.

I liked Oakland better, it was like being back in Chicago in the 80's.

During my last week in Korea I was retrieving the mail for the batallion staff. My position as personnel security chief hadn't been filled. I had an office right down the hall from the full bird colonel that ran our four company batallion and for the most part I was seen and not heard processing security clearances and issuing COMSEC (COMmunications SECurity devices that recorded radio transmissions made out of carbon. They could be destroyed with water if the enemy approached. We recorded everything and kept the transmissions in a safe, and I was in charge of that as well as newly drawn maps of the Northern part of the Korean peninsula via spy satellites... Sigh, the life.) to the goofies that had no clue to what we were doing on the 26th parallel.

I found a piece of mail meant for someone that had went back to the states from DeVry so I opened it and thought hard about what I would and could do now that I was getting out. I imagined going to this three year institution and getting my degree and getting a wholesome and good job. I saw myself as a homeowner, a husband and a father having little discomfort. I linked all good thoughts to getting into this technical institute and doing well. I never gave thought to struggling when I got home.

Until I walked away from and off of Presidio's hallowed halls and base and entered San Fran and Oakland to go and play.

I had a few thousand in my pocket and Uncle Sam had given me more for unused vacation and for taking the early out. Funny how as soon as I got to the base and gave them my exit paperwork to process I got a check first before anything else. Back then, out processing the military took weeks and was a long arduous task. One had to take classes and be counseled in order to reacclimate to normal society. If someone like myself had access to anything to a secretive nature, they were debriefed. I don't want to go into explaining that process.

I like how my mother told my wife last year about the 'gaps' in my service. Yeah, even my mom knows (and Terry does too) about service gaps for certain military personnel.

The first thing I experienced as a member of the free world I helped to protect and defend was a fight from a bunch of cats that had no respect for military people. I later drank with them after they saw me wild out. This was my initial counseling and reacclimation to the world. All I wanted was a drink. So what that I had the haircut and the body type of one of those army dudes? We had just finished up a war and to a few folk at this one particular spot, I was the cause of most of the bullshit George HW Bush and Dick Cheney (who was Army chief of staff at that time) pushed to the American people. And for that I was not accepted.

I had never been rejected in public like that before but remember, we ended up having that drink.

Alcohol had never tasted like that to me before. It seemed to fill some emotional void. It spoke to me when everyone else looked at me with disdain and contempt. It became my security blanket. I had already developed a drinking problem overseas, drinking damn near a half gallon of hard liquor and maybe seven to ten beers a night during my last few months in Korea, but that was what we usually did over there anyway. I had no clue my tolerance was so high when I got back to the states. I kept drinking... All the way back to Chicago.

By the time I enrolled for school I had failed a few drug tests because when I got back to the south side, all of the cats I left there in the 80's from high school were still there, and they were smoking blunts and killing malt liquor. The time I spent in San Francisco was almost like a proving ground. Being in Oakland with a bunch of deadbeat cats that was always at the club helped me enhance my social skills through drinking. I was still in military mode, so weed smoking was out of the question.

Until I got home.

There were no jobs and no love for an unskilled black man in Chicago. There was no pride in serving one's country on the south and west sides. I was a sucker for getting my college money by joining the army and according to many, I was just a pawn. My mother has convinced me to come and live with her so I could give her my entire paycheck and watch my little brother and sister because my dad had left right as I joined the military, and there wasn't any room for me, but that didn't matter. I was just a babysitter in her eyes. One that got a GI Bill check she could spend for herself, damn me.

I slept on the couch and all of my belongings were in a locked closet still packed up for damn near a year until I had enough of that bullshit and broke out of there.

In that time I enrolled at DeVry and tried to stay focused but it was hard. All that time spent in Japan, Korea and other places for years shielded me from the booty, and I had to chase it at all costs, even though I had a girlfriend. I ended up getting a job with the phone company and was earning at least $60k in the early 90's which made me hood rich, so I rented my best friends mother's basement which gave up a place to smoke, drink and party. And that's all I did.

Something was telling me that I would never make it out of the neighborhood so celebrate as much as I can before I die.

And I did.

At the end of 1993 I was downing a twelve pack of Red Bull (the malt liquor, energy drinks did not exist), a half a pack of Newports and smoked at least 2 blunts before I would go to class. After I got the job with the phone company, I switch over to night and weekend classes and eventually stopped going because I would wait until I got off work to smoke and drink. I can't remember much of what happened those nights, I just knew that I worked for AT&T for about two years before I stopped coming to work because I was too embarrassed that I smelled like either weed smoke and/or liquor.

I got fired due to no-call/no-show. And then I got put out of the apartment when my friends mother found out I had no job.

I had a devoted girlfriend
A family
A few friends that gave a damn
A working musical relationship with a close friend... And we were recording
Add a degree in the making

And I let all of that go because I needed to stay in this 'mode'.

Alcohol made me forget and weed made time pass by. I had gained more than 250 pounds in a few years. I was also homeless and had burned a whole lot of bridges.

It was 1996 and I was damn near 400 pounds with a weed habit. I was living out of my van and couldn't find a job to save my life. I was gigging lightly with a band (if free beer counts as pay) and I was thinking about getting back into school... Something happened.

God spoke to me.

Oh don't get it twisted, I didn't get saved or anything like that. I stopped smoking weed but I kept on drinking. Right up until that whole diabetic coma episode.

That was 1998.

I was arrogant, evil and had no respect for my own life. I remember those times and I cannot erase the inate details I will never type onto these pages. I live with that and am in shear amazement that I am where I am now. There is so much more to that time in my life. There is so much I wish I never experienced but I can't turn back the hands of time. All I have is now, and now is as good as it has ever been. But it still feels like I'm climbing out of something.

I hate what I did with life back then. But sometimes those memories come back and I wish...

Never mind.

You'd like to think you're stronger now. I hope you are. I don't know if I am.

Never Again

Sometimes I quietly admonish myself when I'm rendered helpless on things.

That happened to me yesterday.

As much as I trust the one person I feel I can ever trust with everything, I also feel like I should be able to protect my wife from anything and everything with no exception. There was a business situation in which there was an error made and I could do nothing.

I felt like dying because two months into my marriage I was remanded to just standing there being rendered useless in a situation and I felt less than myself. And to top it off it was my anniversary. Dig that.

Now I know as a man there is a point where he is to leave his woman enough space for her to do her thing, I guess I haven't found the point where I'm supposed to give space.

All I could ever want in a woman lies next to me at night, and last night I just couldn't sleep right because I felt like I should have done something to save the situation, so all I could do in lying in bed was to try to find the perfect position. We writhed and wiggled and never found that perfect point. She started snoring and I pulled her close making her skin my skin. I tried my best to find the right touch, the proper stroke to soothe and settle my better half and provide enough comfort for her to find that perfect place in sleep so she could lose her troubles, but to no avail.

We both woke up this morning sore and fatigued.

As hard as I tried to rub her shoulders and caress her neck, pull her close to find that perfect spooning position, wrap myself onto her and vice versa things just didn't work out. And now I feel like I owe her more than I did yesterday.

I got up at about 2:45 in the morning went over to D Herbs and made the decision to take the total body fast and the pancreatic fast seeing as I'm supposedly diabetic, I need to purge my failures and be healthy enough to be her to raise my family and be there for her. That's all that matters, right? We made a decision in December to get a sleep number bed, and that is being purchased first as we fill our new home in a week or two. There is no way she can wake up uncomfortable again. I need to make sure her GPS and satellite radio in her vehicle works perfectly so she can never feel lost alone in this, the third largest city in the world. I still think it's unfair that I lived here first. I hate having unfair advantages over her like that. I need an even keel. I need to make sure she continues to never hear a lie from my mouth and every action directed towards her is geared for comfort and ease, I can never fail this woman. She will bear my seeds and command my home and she deserves better than what I'm doing/giving right now..

I need to do more.
I need to be more.
I need to have more.
I need to make more.

My world no longer feels big, important or just enough enough to have her in it. I'm not overwhelmed, I just need to be the man that she married and I feel that situations like yesterday slips me down a notch where I once stood, unable to do anything.

I never experienced that before. I never need to fail her or myself like that ever again. It cuts like a knife and digs in like a shovel... And it hurts, yet it's so simple.

Damn.

Snow Day

Okay, I'm snowed in somewhere near the Iowa/Illinois border.

When I get a chance... I'll blog about something.

Tuesday... Wisconsin just ain't Madison, Milwaukee and Green Bay either!

Van Glorious!

Still protected by the red, the black and the green with a key...

It's funny how you think that sometimes you're not ready for things. I really thought that I didn't want marriage because I tried so hard at various times in my life to be by myself. I mean really by myself with no one to turn to because I felt that although I wasn't in control of things that surround my life force that I had to have total control of what I could and I damn sure dismissed everyone and every thing that attempted to try to share in my shine.

I didn't hate people, I just didn't like outsiders with agendas trying to come in and assume a role that I never gave from my heart.

As I grow old (not 'older' like proper grammar and context would normally dictate) I become aware of the value of time. I know that a lot of things I've ingested literally and figuratively will most likely shorten my life no matter how much fasting (for the body/life force) and learning (for the life living/lived) I do a lot of damage has been done and I've lived longer than I actually have left to live, and I'm cool with that. What I'm totally not cool with one bit is where, who and how I used to spend my time. I now have to micro manage that shit. I eluded yesterday to how at various points in my life I was undervalued, underestimated and marginalized by folks that were supposedly close to me and by the situations I put myself in. Note that I take responsibility for said situations and being around folks that could care less for you and yours.

Now yes, I'm selfish and picky. Of course I look out for self most of the time and that came from experiencing other folks' selfishness and me gaging how selfish I needed to be in order to counter. I don't figure to be talented that much but there are those that will be in your presence only to bask in your shine and will take that hue and create their own after market version to have for themselves. Some people will hang onto you like folks listen to Obama speeches thinking that one man's idea of hope is just good enough to be nourished with and will never act on the hope of hope. Just the sound of the voice giving the speech is enough for one to be drousy and the thoughts of what could be is the elixir that actually puts them in dream land. Too bad one day they wake up old and unfulfilled.

Some folks thrust you into Oprah status, living vicariously through you ingesting your adventures as their own, leaving you on the porch waiting to tell another life event that is now reserved for dinner table theater. I've been some of these things to some people and then I noticed that I was just a thing to most, a talking, writing object to others and they never got a chance to really know me, never really knowing what makes me tick.

And then I met the woman I married (now years ago) and the one thing I noticed from the start (all the way back in 2006) that she was picking me apart, not wanting to get a piece just yet but carefully inspecting the pieces of who I was and carefully adding them to her lists of things she could tolerate, things she liked/disliked and the such just to see if she could apply them to her life. And she did this with respect. Respect to me as a person and to our situations and I liked that. She always dealt with me evenly in an emotional sense and that helped us become closer because she still had her own things going on relationship wise, allowing me to continue on my track in being Hassan, whoever he is.

Out of time spent, trials had and conversation spoken came trust, and we still had other things going on in our lives. Although we dated other people, performed other tasks and existed in other spaces the time I spent getting to know her as she did me was damn near storybook with the exception of the bullshit that was happening in our respective individual spaces. So based on what I demanded in my life I made the first move and ejected myself from my personal turmoil and found a quiet place for my mind back home. All the folks that I thought were responsible for helping me make my mind's noise from the beginning assisted me in getting to that quiet place.

And when I got home, she was there, gathering her parachute. It seemed like there was an undue influence causing her to hit the eject button as well.

And then we started spending time.
Buying plane tickets
Living off of Priceline.com
Weekends
Time became life
Weekdays
down time off the truck
Holidays
Family
Internet hate
Friends
Revelations
discussions of babies
Las Vegas

And after Vegas came the realization that I married the one person I could absolutely trust and who could possibly just be my best friend. All of that other stuf that made me not trust the good common folk of the planet disappeared.

What?

Is that why I don't put poetry on the blog anymore?

First the Fat Boys break up, now this: Hassan might just be happy, satiated even.

Imagine that.

More tomorrow.

Monday...

Man oh Manischewitz..

What weekend that was had. I'm back on the road and when I stop in Des Moines I'll tell you (somewhat) about it.

One thing: This weekend's Chris Rock show featured hip hop icons Whodini.

Damn.

That's right. A lot of folks didn't even know what was going on at the show (meaning a lot of folks who bought a ticket had no clue who Whodini was... Imagine that!) but somebody kept it really real with their material. Not even a few truthfighters could keep up with Chris.

But there was much more that happened in and around Chicago with the wife and I, and when I get a chance...

Oh, and never, never, never, ever, ever, EVER let anyone undervalue, underestimate or marginalize you.

I was at one point in my past very recently and in various situations in my life and I vow with all of my breath to never let that happen to me again. Anyone who comes against me and mine like that is worthy of death. I urge you to look at your situation and your life and do whatever it takes to not let it happen to you.

You'll be able to breathe and sleep when that happens.

Bounce...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

I want you to understand that the reason we are in this state of flux is because we are consumers and not producers, and not in a Puffy - DJ Premier sense. The reason we have nothing where we lay our heads is because we spend time putting our hard earned dollar right back into folks that take from us and never give back while other groups of people bounce their dollars many times amongst themselves before it leaves their community.

Asians, Arabs, Hispanics, Jews and whites in the United States generally spend money among themselves, "bouncing" dollars an average of six to 18 times before the money leaves the communities.

"The black dollar does not bounce, not one time in America." The only way to eradicate these problems in the black community is to help these people do what everyone else does."

Dr. Claud Anderson gave that quote. The theory of bouncing dollars has been on my mind ever since I've been reviewing transcripts of debates on both the republican and democrat candidates. One thing no one wants to talk about or take time in solving is the how and when we will ever sit at the table and attempt to come with a solution for people of African descent.

Understand that there have been bills passed into law giving other so-called minorities the rights and encumbrances fought for so that folks of African lineage could have equal opportunities. Also understand that every other so-called minority group has succeeded in creating a community in this country and black folk have not.

The initial launch of programs, bills and laws created and fought for back in the day was done to give ancestors of slaves financial equality, but so much has happened to take away that equalization through intimidation, death and all things of such an evil nature unleashed on my people that today we are only taught to purchase and consume and not to save, be conservative and make opportunity for our children through investment and production.

If former slaves got a hold of 40 acres, a mule and one hundred dollars it would be smart to assume that land would have been purchased, business stated and crops would have been harvested that would have given brown-skinned folks equity in this country. Things would have been so different.

• Schools would have materials to enhance the learning experience

• Families would have stayed together, seeing as the hustle would have not been so prevelent

• Ownership, investment and real material would have balanced opportunities for former slaves

I know I'm on a soapbox but know that I tire living in a world where people that look like me can't even pool a few dollars and get right. Latin folk bounce their dollars in their own hood 12 times before it leaves the hood. Asians... 16 times. We are the only people on the planet that have to make some sort of concession, whether it be beliefs, political affiliation or morals to others in order to be accepted and to this day, we still aren't. And the acceptance of Barack Obama by voters where there are no black people means nothing to me. Hell, everyone wants change, and Senator Obama through his candidacy and me living in his district witnessing this proves to me that he can offer such change.

When will my people have enough of a collective conscious to represent themselves as a whole people in American society? We have different views and beliefs but still feel the need to pander to others for acceptance and inclusion and we have no lobby where others do. And that is all based on the fight my ancestors made and we no longer benefit. Our people will fall into fourth class status if we don't come together and fight.

That makes me tired. I really want to move to Canada sometimes but... I don't know if Zesty and em' are ready for me. Plus I do like to fight.


Oh, and in other news... On this day 18 years ago... I got kitchen duty and was put on barracks restriction for two weeks for sneaking out of charge of quarters duty to see Mike Tyson get knocked the eff out by Buster Douglas in Japan. I had the time of my life going AWOL and sneaking off the base, but I did get caught by my platoon seargent on my way back to the base. It seems that we like the same sports bars and strip clubs when it comes to watching big money prize fights.

Damn, I'm old.

Seems like yesterday.

I didn't feel undervalued, underestimated or marginalized back then.

Ramble Young Man, Ramble...

You know, I'm getting a kick out of being away from the blog. My time has never been this occupied, and not how you think.

Marriage definitely has its challenges but I'm up to it. As much as I travel in and outside of my job catching up and making time for each other is a challenge and an adventure all in itself. We did get a chance to spend a few days in Oklahoma with the fam and that was cool in itself. We need to get a day planner in order to get time in to see everyone. I think my other half ended up a little disappointed because she didn't get to see a few folks, but we go back very soon. We're planning an event there and we gotta oversee the happenings and goings on.

I've actually been busy mining the deep recesses of my mind on a few creative projects and also making faces at the tv and monitors trying to understand my people, and then I stopped.

Why did my other half's grandmother ask if we were really married like we've been keeping this up at this marathon pace?

Nah, I'm still working on those creative things, I have given up attempting to understand the lost tribe of Shabazz. Whatever.

I have a lot of residual hate in my heart that I cannot rid myself of. At one point in my past I wanted to harm someone for putting me back under the government's (nee IRS) watchful eye. I struggled in my job last year because I couldn't get the security clearance needed to be in certain places which affected my job status and my paycheck. Shortly before the new year, I shook off the report my employer had on me from folk that I actually used for character references and got my clearance and now things are running much smoother seeing as I opted to be a 1099 cat which means they could make me disappear and hire someone direct in my place. I earned their trust, didn't create any incidents or have any accidents and or create moments that would cause them to deny me access to federal properties and databases like this person said I would do. And I got a raise in contractor pay. And a safety bonus. Kind of makes up for last year I guess, but I still wanna hurt folks every now and then because of that. I thank my brother and best friend from stopping me from doing dumb shit. I wouldn't be here now...

Having money don't mean a thing if I can be where I want to be, and that's home. I keep going there but being based out of Chicago (still) means I gotta get off the couch and go to the airport to drive my rig out of the midwest when I live out west. That sucks because contact and conversation ain't the same y'all and that causes tension both emotional and sexual.

Imagine what home time for me is like...

Yep.

And then we forget to take care of the business of bills and such that we had to play catch up with faxing, signing and taking care of stuff that needed to be paid to keep the partnership manageable. We gotta merge the cell phone/home phone/internet/wireless card thing to the point where one person gets our money.

Oh, and cordless phones are getting shittier...

My dad needs a new stint put in and now he's acting all old and needy. Dude is 58 and has a 36 year old wife. Once he gets re-wired, I'm telling him about himself and then siccing my peer of a step-mom on his ass. That should calm him down and get him back to normal. I cant have my pops acting like Grandpa Simpson all willy-nilly.

I haven't forgotten about the 'Hassan Nigger Wake-Up Call' posts. Just because I've been busy doesn't mean that I won't challenge you and provoke thought about our current status and our place right here, right now. I've noticed listening to radio talk shows, television and from last Tuesday that we collectively are one big mass of uninformed, mis-educated folk hellbent on being the first generation of black folk that won't leave anything for the next. To me, that is considered inappropriate behavior and next week I'll drop a few gems and ask a few questions that I feel need to be asked. I cannot be the only cat out there with so much in front of me and no one else notices that info, opportunity and freedom exists.

If Hillary cannot manage campaign funds and we're living in a deficit...
If the gub'ment raises conventional loan maxes to over 700k...
If illegal immigrants cannot vote then why is Barack pandering licences...
If congress is interrogating Roger Clements and the New England Patriots then who's...
Who has time to compose a 6 page email (and then who has time to re-edit it) and send it to hundreds of CHURCHFOLK outing men they think are gay (including children)...
If Vick got 23 months, the Jena cats almost got 15 then how did them WV kids get 10...


Whatever man... I'm rambling about nothing I guess

Yes We Can...

If you don't think we can then just sit and watch.

I don't care if you get a chance to get two votes in for Mitt Romney, get that ass up tomorrow and let your voice be heard.

It does matter.

Other than that, you have no reason to complain.

Okay, I'm Up...

I really don't have much to say.

There are a lot of things going on right up under your nose. No need to travel or go abroad to find problems, they're right here. I'm sure you either commute or drive right by something that irks the shit outta you. Try to fix that, I'll come back and complain when my utopia bubble bursts soon.

Probably wont. Why?

Things are comfortable and easy for me right now. I am happy right at this moment. I haven't been this content in more than a year and a half and I'm enjoying how things are going down. That takes away from my desire to blog. In my mind, ain't nothing much to say, with all of the shucking and jiving going on from Detroit to California I'm sure you have enough entertainment.


Don't worry bout' me.

Find something to get into this Black History Month, I'll be around, doing stuff.

Oh hell naw... Wait.

In the words of Joe Madison: Never let anyone undervalue, underestimate or marginalize you.

If this is the first day of Black History Month, then it is my duty to give you your nigger wake up call.

Now I don't know exactly what is going on in your hood, but as much as I travel and keep up on things I'm seeing a pattern:

you are comfortable, and you think they don't give a damn, but they do

They're going to let you sit and gain nothing while you become a third class citizen. Since the beginning of the slave trade, this nation was set up for folks that do not look like you to prosper off of your back and for the most part, it has worked. Wealth from the sweat of slaves to the ignorant that consume very unnecessary items in the spirit of keeping it real has us for the most part struggling just to get by in America today.

From the damn near 800 billion dollars we spend all the way down to how you are perceived in this current political climate, no one takes you seriously, and why should they? Just because things seem easier as you sit in your cubicle with all of this wonderful technology think about this: Black folk in America would be the 9th largest nation based on their populous, education and money spent if they were actually a community.

That's right I said it, we are not a community.

The reason our unemployment is high, income is lower and crime is rampant is because we have never banned together as a community. Don't blame illegal immigrants from south of the border for taking our jobs... Corporate America would have never lowered the wage standard and gave folks cheap labor positions if there were precedent set. And most of that work is unskilled labor that black folk didn't want in the first place because most folks thought that working with one's hands were beneath them.

How if our unemployment rate has been the same for damn near 20 years have immigrants came to compete with and now have surpassed us as second class citizens in the eyes of those with the big money?

We have been conditioned to fail and most of us get comfortable in that failure.

A portion of that whole Willie Lynch Syndrome was for black folk to be conditioned to protect the interest of the powers that be, rat out those that threaten said powers and be willing to adapt to the power's standards, which was foreign to their own. From speaking the language to worship to relaxing one's hair, we seem to aspire to be like them in so many ways that we have forgotten how to be ourselves. That's why it's so easy for a lot of us to Tom out on other black folks like what you see on cable news these days. I don' t have to agree with you and I can support someone else, that doesn't give you the right to clown me in front of the others.

See, we have no community.

Think about the Mexican immigrant that the damn near guaranteed work promised when he or she crosses the border. Think about the network that gets them here and houses them. Think about the individuals planted and blatantly hired by the big companies that get them to the factories and farms and such. Think about the banks and financial institutions that hold this money for future use. Think about the neighborhoods, the shops, stores boutiques and bodegas where that money is spent and how it circulates just within that community. Think about how an American bank only sees that money when real property or business finance is sought.

Now think about your hood.

If you are black and have a little cheddar, think about the integrated villages in which you live. If you are still struggling, think about the hood. Now look at all of the Chinese and Mexican restaurants, the Greek gyros spots, the Sikh and Middle Eastern owned spots and then ask yourself where they go home to when they close up.

Korea-town
Chinatown
Greek Town
Little Italy
Little Mexico

You get the point. Viable, thriving communities where their dollar circulates, folks have each other's backs and all consumerism for the most part begins and ends there. There are doctors, lawyers and insurance agents that hook them up. Everything they need from schools to daycare is all in that community. And the kicker... They keep the secrets locked up by using their native language and there is pride and inclusiveness in being who they are.

They come tired and poor, ban together, feed each other and fix them up, house one another and keep the money right there with all of the rest speaking their secret code language that we cannot decipher. They are not competing with us, they have moved right past us and you just lay there, watching and wondering.

Now ask yourself where the soul food joint is in their neighborhood? Why isn't there a black nail or barber shop over there but there is one of theirs all up and through yours.

Because black folk either leave for a mixed income spot to get away from the noise and crime of the neighborhood or stay 'trapped' in the hood .

Us = neighborhood
Them = community

And now more than ever we are more separate. From each other.

You as a so-called African American have been underestimated, undervalued and marginalized by everyone else and you are comfortable in selling out your culture. By not bringing the dollar home and partaking in starting and/or supporting our own business, by not owning real estate, by perpetrating violence and hatred against one another through hip hop and not embracing the tools industrial, agricultural, financial or educational we embrace racism inadvertently and institutionalized.

By not establishing an identity, embracing communal living and industry and not recycling our dollars with our own we well never have a community. By not embracing our cousins in Africa and adapting a sense of ethnic pride and continuing to buffoon for the benefit of others, even if one is clocking mad, doo doo dollars not bring that money home sells them to the highest bidder.

We'll never learn from Black History Month. We haven't. I heard a kid on a radio call in show last week telling the listeners that all he ever knew of Martin King was what he read in a book and it was about two paragraphs long. He had his masters. He wanted to state that him along with others are tired of hearing about this 'King guy' and really didn't know why he was held on a pedestal. He cited Barack Obama as a 'real hero' and mentioned that we need to see the world for what it is today instead of living in this vacuum from 40 years ago. In a sense he is right, but he is oh so wrong. We need to get with the program in the present and make change based on today. I was glad his bubble got burst when the talk show host informed him that his hero in Senator Obama presidential candidate, brown skinned, educated and born to lead is a manifestation of Dr. King's dream and wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for work put in back in the day.

We got barely a month to learn about the accomplishments and achievements of those that did what they could to make change and help us advance. What will you take from these next 4 and a half weeks to help play our part?

Or will you continue to be comfortable being undervalued, underestimated and marginalized?