He Just Keeps On Talking!: The Ballad Of A Longwinded Bastard

 you know what that means, so go get a glass of lemonade and make a sammitch first... it's a long one!

I started this blog more than five years ago as a way to express myself, release, and just have a little fun, journaling online because I knew there were like-minded people such as myself out there looking for... I don't know, something. And I was looking too

Last year about this time, well to be honest it was September and this month I was excited with the prospect of working for the Obama campaign. I knew there would be backstabbing, internal politics, nepotism and patronage within the movement itself. I was right but I still attended. My wife and I got trained through one of the local "Camp Obama" training thingees and I was satisfied with what I was doing as a citizen and future constituent. And then a lot of that politrick shit that I mentioned earlier hit home and kicked into overdrive.

On a few of the things that actually occurred I never wanted to make a big deal of some things because I didn't want to badmouth the campaign and I started getting emails and a facebook friend request from a woman named Shelby Holliday that was reporting for Fox News. I think she wanted an inside report of some sort of infighting and internal politics. You know, friction within, but there were good people that volunteered, trained folks, and canvassed the streets that were harmless and really wanted their candidate to win. It wasn't in my place to disrupt anything and I vowed that I would step away from commenting on politics via this medium until I felt good and ready. Guess what? I think I feel kind of ready.

We are less than one month away from the one year anniversary of what I still consider a historic election. I believe we got what we asked for in a new president. I also feel that compared to not just the last eight years, but maybe quite possibly the last 10 years that things are going politically in a direction that I pretty much thought they would with as a result of the election. Because of who our president is, I figured that there would be backlash and a little buyer's remorse by some that voted (some folks still claim that they did not 'know' him. So much for the personal vetting process). What I honestly did not figure would happen would be the current level of hatred, racism and the all out full-fledged effort to de-legitimize, marginalize, undervalue and underestimate the current sitting president of the United States. Some have even gone so far to criminalize some of his actions.

Not that I'm shocked...

I'm more shocked and appalled in the behavior, the lackadaisical nature, and the silence of the actual constituents of the sitting president of the United States. I am also sickened to my stomach in the complete failure in my people's resolve, the lack of fight, accountability and the all-out low self-esteem we seem to have these days. I've said it before and I'll say it again:


'A scared Negro will get you killed.'
                                                     -    Hassan Ntimbanjayo

So as someone who is not afraid to speak, not afraid to say names, dates and occurrences on my blog without littering them with semicolons dots, dashes and the sort, I guess I'm back in the game if you will as far as writing political commentary on the blog. I'm also aware that my blog feeds onto facebook and there are a lot of people who I know in that forum who are unaware that I'm actually a blogger or something. For those of you that don't regularly read my blog, no big deal. You'll probably read something that you haven't before since friending me own facebook so be not afraid.

Don't worry, I'm still that same guy. I used to be a little angry, but not anymore. My only concern these days is the quality of life of my family, friends, business associates and people who advocate peace, unity, love and having fun. Everyone else on the planet that likes drama and are hellbent on seeing people fail and back it up through their words and actions I have no empathy for. There is a great place within the flames of hell in which their soul can burn, and I wish them expedience on their trip to that particular place

In the past year, we've witnessed a grass roots movement of individuals Republican, Democrat and Independent who have placed a great need in marginalizing the presidency. They've used out right lies, un-researched facts, gossip, rumor and innuendo as well as various forms of the media to spread what I perceive as hatred which have planted the seeds of horrific thought yet be done against a particular set of peoples, various metropolises, living areas both urban & suburban and against certain individuals. It has been so blatant that it can be construed as 2 1/2 inches short of outright terrorism. And for that same year I've watched the targets that I just mentioned do little to nothing to defend or protect themselves. Well, some of them still walk the earth like idle threats were thrown their way while others do have protection, thank God.

So I have a suggestion. Just as some in the majority have targeted some in the minority, and just as some in this new minority have targeted some new players in the majority, I say we educate, train and prepare ourselves as well as arm ourselves to the full extent of what we've seen on TV at town hall meetings and those large revoltist gatherings using every extent of every law as well as every encumbrance we have as a people in this nation. Through software that monitors this blog, I know that there are some that read my words who don't live in this country but for those that do it's time to arm yourself, protect your children, stand your ground, practice, experience and appreciate the unalienable rights extended to you and I by the constitution of these United States.

But it does start at home.

As a black man in America I'm embarrassed in the way that young black men represent who I am. I am angry at some of my brothers my age and older for the lack of accountability and responsibility in raising their sons. I understand that there are some that have a poverty mentality and we know exactly where it comes from. The real crime problem in America is folks not properly addressing the real issues affecting our families. Benign neglect, racism and poverty has plagued us for generations and as a result our children have taken to the streets with an attitude of lawlessness and disrespect.

This is wholeheartedly our fault.

My wife and I do not have any children, but we've been blessed with 12 nieces and nephews. Most of our friends, cousins who are peers, former classmates and coworkers have children. I was a child that came from a two-parent family and have a close-knit 4 generation family, so I know a thing or two about being raised and the stresses it causes some and the responsibilities that others take to keep things in line. As someone who proudly served my country in the United States military I do know a thing about discipline and sacrifice. As the son of a drug addict who left the family I know a thing or two about the devastation narcotics and alcohol causes families. As a young black man growing up on the south side of Chicago in the middle of the shit, I know a thing or two about the hustle, gang warfare, drug culture as a way of life and the reward of the prison industrial complex for partaking in those things and how it profits from housing gentlemen who look just like me for doing so.

But this story is happening just as they're writing it to happen. The experience is just as harrowing as reading our history books. There is a feeling in the air and somehow, someway the cycle could (it is) start again. What in the hell am I talking about?

Genocide - it started as an intentional extermination of our population in Africa.

Expulsion - and continued with the forcible removal of that population from our territories.

Slavery - and then it was ownership of one population by another here in America.

Segregation - and after that it turned into legal separation of groups of people of a particular race or ethnicity.

Assimilation - said formerly segregated group (us) is either forced into or volunteers to blend into the majority population.

In my humble opinion, it seems that the assimilation of the minority culture into mainstream America is literally scaring the hell out of those that have lived blissfully ignorant and comfortable in said ignorance for such a long time. It really shouldn't be this way because no one here is truly native of this country anydamnway except for those who now live on reservations. But that way of life has been a particular way for so long the children of the fathers can feel the vibration of this underground movement that almost seems evolutionary in its process.

But isn't this how America came to be? Isn't this the process in which families grew and expanded? Isn't this the way we became the 'melting pot' of people? Isn't it fairly obvious that through some of the suggestions of creating new policies and social programs from folks left of center and a few on the right that this has smoked out old, seemingly 'buried' fears that have been newly realized by a younger generation? The folks who realize this fear will do anything to keep these programs, policies, standards and practices at bay and at this particular point they are doing literally any and everything, and that means they will vote against their own interests (again - see 25 years ago) and you may remain a slave to the corporate interests and the military-industrial complex that funds this country and bullies the rest of the world.

Now is not the time to lose focus. All candor and politeness in discussion has been lost. These are the times to shed all things external that distract us, re-instill the values of honor, trust, and respect to our children, eat to live and arm ourselves both literally and figuratively because the charges to take back America from the so-called unrighteous have trickled down from fingering the president, his cabinet and congress to the organizations, grass roots champions, fundraisers, ministers and contributors as well as his constituents and supporters.

The threats are real. Just 25 years ago there was a huge conservative movement that dismantled a ton of social programs and killed the funding for a lot of other programs that helped raised a downtrodden people up in previous years. Now I'm not saying that it will take big government to rekindle the flames of self-reliance, but just as drugs were funneled into the hood in the mid to late 60s and early 70s the same can be said about high-fructose corn syrup, fast food, and useless & uninformative sources of media designed to distract and numb. With bad nutrition, the rumblings of the utter uselessness of self, the lack of truth in media and just plain bad entertainment with not a single 'artist' holding his or herself accountable for the undue influence art has on folks (especially our children), one does not have to land on Park Place to lose his or her house. The game of monopoly is being played on your mind, your body and your soul.

We have to take ourselves back. We also have to rebuild spirit. That means becoming more businesslike in our approach to earn money for families and paying our bills. Working more than 40 hours a week just to pay bills, living check-to-check and having nothing in your pocket afterward is not a way to work for your future or care for our kids.

Living in the mecca of capitalism and knowing all the words to 'Hustlers Anthem', we should be more enterprising or so we can use our remaining spare time to be home and around our kids. Marriage and/or unions should be treasured, respected and remade back into the standard as far as creating and maintaining our family element. Churches, social groups, fraternal organizations as well as block clubs in neighborhoods should take a more co-op styled approach for the good of its members, neighbors and congregation.

I'm not a churchgoer, but a great example is my daddy's church. They're more of a religious co-op and actually secures mortgages and performs financial planning as well as provide childcare among other services for its members.

And though some of y'all might think I'm talking up the side of my neck but...

If you could see clearly into the distance, then you already know what the alternative is.

I'm hoping that The Creator can bless me with 40+ more years. I know for the most part a solution for most of our problems are from within, and I'm addressing mine through my words, actions, nutrition and train of thought. I must clean my own house before I can tell other folks but, I tire of having to walk through a ton of trash when leaving my house to get to where I need to be when there's a big old receptacle right over there...

And I'm tired of the silence.

And getting my heart broken.

You Ignorant, Nationalist Bastards

Living in Chicago, of course we were knee deep in the Olympic bid business...

For those of you who rooted against the US (the jerseys, banners and identification says USA, not Chicago) and celebrated the failure of this country not getting the bid.

For those that actually celebrated the 'failure'...
Yes, using those words - FAILURE
For all of those folks that used the terminology that the world rejected the sitting US President

You are not patriots.
You do not love this country.
You have no love from those that actually fight/fought and have blood and lives on their hands (like myself and others - and we gotta live with that shit), and we do not love you

What you are-are a bunch of ignorant, greedy-ass, capitalistic loving, warped-ass, nationalist bastards who are worthy of death. You wanna water the friggin' tree? Then fall out of line with a racist remark like I know most of you want to do and ask me to fetch the water.

I am itching at the prospect.

PING!

I actually wrote this Monday of last week. I actually wrote stuff every day last week, but couldn't bring myself to publish, so I kept this in my own little journal. I am not having a problem writing or telling my truths. I am having a problem wanting to live up to certain things that I have not set the standard to.

Some folk will never understand how we must live out the story even thru the twists and turns. We watch with mouths agape and never think about the pain and struggle some must have in order to make it to the next chapter.

So I give this portion of what I wrote last week. Here goes:


I heard a preacher say that our people, we're designed to struggle.

He went on to say that we're destined to take a spiritual beating in good times so when the bad comes, we would still be able to walk along our chosen path.

I have a mind to agree with that assessment because it seems like a correct one.

The past month to include this past weekend, my spirit has been taking a category five grade level ass whooping.

Funny, when I look down to the left and right of me I still see the path, although I feel like I should have had more choice in the matter, but that's selfishness talking.


I had a quiet Friday and I spoke with a few friends about attending my high school reunion coming up in a few weeks, a barbecue that I think my wife and I were invited to (we were thought of during its conception, but were invited at the last minute) and had plans to hang out with my stepdad who got released from the hospital and was to celebrate a birthday on that following Monday.

Well, after the wife got all influenza'd on me and held down the bed and bathroom all day Saturday, we definitely had plans to hit my Mom's house Sunday for the lifting of spirits of both myself and my step dad when on Sunday, that damn phone rang:

It's my mother. She once again asks for her son. I grab the phone and this time, I'm prepared to listen because NOTHING can be as bad as what I've heard in the past few weeks. Let's bullet point this conversation, shall we?

Definition of a standard bad call to Hassan complete with Saturday specifics, not standard examples

• Sister is in the hospital
• She's not good right now
• Baby didn't move
• Got the baby to move
• Needs to have an amniocentesis done 
• They need to take the baby ASAP 
• Need test results back to see when they can take the baby

Now, I could not swallow my spit as my mother is telling me this. I am calm and comforting to my mom whose voice was cracking and faltering. I had to find something from deep inside of me to keep her from going off on the other end of the phone. I reassured her that everything would be okay, she found her 'phone voice', thanked me and said that she had to go somewhere and pray and hung up the phone. When I put the phone down, my mind panicked.

Again.

Let's go over why:

Amniocentesis (also referred to as amniotic fluid test or AFT), is a medical procedure used in prenatal diagnosis of chromosomal abnormalities and fetal infections, in which a small amount of amniotic fluid, which contains fetal tissues, is extracted from the amnion or amniotic sac surrounding a developing fetus, and the fetal DNA is examined for genetic abnormalities.

Well alrighty then.


Now with my sister actually being a health professional as well as my mother, aunts and other family members I automatically knew what the hell was going on here and in my selfishness I cried out in my mind (because my wife was stunned as well when I told her) that once again I was being victimized by that spiritual ass-whooping. I could not fathom taking any more bad news. It was like I already had enough to process when an answer came from the deep, pained recesses that make up my twisted-ass mind:

It ain't never been about you.

I immediately felt what I thought the pain, sense of urgency and unbridled emotional anxiety my sister and brother in-law felt like. I thought about my mother and how helpless she felt in being in Chicago while her daughter lay there in a hospital bed somewhere in Texas. How my brothers felt when they heard the news. How that unborn child was feeling, trying to fight her out of the womb to breathe oxygen out of the womb unrelenting and unknowing that outside of this beautiful, safe space was yet another chapter her spirit could see and how in some very small instances she could impact us all if only given a chance.

The fact that there could be something or something could go wrong never surfaced its way to cognitive thought. Even though I knew my sister had a complicated pregnancy from the start, all I could think of was having faith.

Faith in everything outside of our human powers that this baby was a-ok and that my sister would be as well. Faith that the birth of a new life not only replaces death, but improves our lives in that person becoming. Faith in how that new life was created was probably inspired by the ones that have recently passed. I mean hey, Michael Jackson, Mary Travers and Nikki Indigo inspired many thru dancing, singing, writing and song...

I cared not what type result the ending one for this situation was. In these moments I truly believe that we were put here to deal with whatever the universe has dealt; good, bad and ugly. I had to go back and remember exactly why I was where I was and why I believe that I'm back in Chicago in this moment.

I am that intercessor.

I motivated Moms to call the airline to reschedule her trip to Texas because my sister was to have an induced childbirth on the 29th of and she was going to be there for that but the baby was coming on the 19th because nothing is planned...


I don't normally put stuff on the blog that has gone beyond its freshness date, but I realize that the blog itself and the facebook feed was dated and warranted a few pings from some of my cousins in the blogosphere. To some, I am only as good as my last status and/or blog post.

Already Missed...

William Safire's Rules for Writers:

• Remember to never split an infinitive.
• The passive voice should never be used.
• Do not put statements in the negative form.
• Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
• Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
• If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be by rereading and editing.
• A writer must not shift your point of view.
• And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
• Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
• Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
• Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
• If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
• Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
• Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
• Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
• Always pick on the correct idiom.
• The adverb always follows the verb.
• Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. 

And if you're a writer and have no clue who William Safire is...


Shame, shame poor Clarice; Tsk, tsk, one should be more careful when attempting to deduct and reason in finding out exactly whom one is talking about, abd being more careful would help too.


You would never know that I broke rule numbers one thru 16 just in the three lines I wrote  !!!

GetAway

I'm not quite sure what to say or do in this moment.

I am very tired, very lethargic and can't keep myself out of the bed if I'm not working or doing other stuff.

I have never been depressed in my life and I'm not now. There is a ton of stuff rattling around in my head. I'd like it to stop but I know it never will.

I keep running into a bunch of 'gotcha' moment traps set up by my wife. Tit-for-tat arguments are not sexy when you're being run ragged and mentally tired.

I'm not angry nor am I confused on what I have to do. I just want to do something else in this moment. There is no running away from stuff like this. I just don't want to be in this moment.

But I am.

My phone hasn't rung and I haven't heard from any of my sibs.

I don't even have to pick up the phone and call my mother, I don't think I've even dialed the number but we talk. And the look in her eyes the last time we shared the same space...

Damn.

Looking into the future, things are so dim right now and the only support I'm getting seems more gawkish and misunderstood than anything else. But it's accepted... Everyone isn't supposed to understand, but loyalty...

I've never been this mentally fatigued. It has manifested itself into body aches, eye/headaches and me killing two bottles of sangria I copped from a 7/11 last night. The hangover felt better than my normality.

I still want a few shots of whiskey, but I got things to do. It's taking so much right now to deal with other people's shit when all I really need is for someone, ANYONE to take the shit off of my shoulders for maybe five minutes.

But I'm good.

I'll tuck it all away after I hit the 'publish post' button and carry on like nothing is wrong. I'll continue to smile and laugh and appreciate the beautiful things in the now that I probably won't have in the future. I still find beauty in the life I live now even when a lot of folks around me purposely cannot.

This shit is insane, isn't it?

Other than being on automatic for the sake of others, I have no clue on what to do next. I'm having a hard problem in seeing what's next but that ain't the torturous part...

Standing there watching everyone else suffer mentally, spiritually physically while absolutely nothing happens to you... It's like being the bridesmaid and never the bride except you're the pallbearer or the executor and there is this machine you're working to manage the output from manufacturing death and destruction.

And Satan is the foreman...

And he keeps calling overtime.

I wonder if you get PTO or scheduled time off ?

How Not To Bug The Hell Out When Everything Around You Is Falling Apart

I said that one day I would write a book about that title above this text in an effort to help those who feel like all of life's situations are a little too much sometimes because when it rains, it pours.

I've been at the hospital for the past two days trying to be regular in a very irregular situation. The regular part is a put on for my mother who has been thrusted into a very odd, life-altering place by my step dad. He almost died Monday morning. She waited until it was good and damn dark before she called me.

And when it came time to call somebody, she called me specifically. I am not surprised. I never told her what I told friends, the long-ass book title I typed up there but she knows her son. Her mother's intuition told her that I have some sort of otherworldly knowledge in how to remain calm, assess things and use said calm to both handle a situation and quickly come up with a solution without bugging the hell out.

Yeah, I can do that.

But not right now.

But I gotta reach way deep and pull this one out of my ass somehow.

I saw her name on the caller ID and handed my wife the phone. They like to talk and carry on with that girlie-girl mish/mash. Wifey answered it and my mother calmly and coldly asked for her son. And by the time I put the receiver to my ear she was telling me shit that I did not want to hear but what I had to know.

The incident happened Monday morning, but it's now like 8 o'clock in the PM. She's been up all day at his bedside and his vitals aren't improving. She needs sleep and knowing her, she ain't gonna get it. I asked her if she wanted me there and she said no but meant yes. My wife was already getting dressed.

An hour later we were at the ER and was told that the situation was way more complicated than what Mom's was telling. We have a situation that might be greater than it seems on the surface and I need to find someplace to put it along with the cancer trials of an aunt, my up and down relationships with folks, a recent death and getting settled back in Chicago in a non-existent residence. Oh, there is more shit on top of that... But I'm telling you stuff you already know, this is what I know:

I was supposed to come back to Chicago

I am needed more than I (and they) have let on to folks

I now have to take the lead in this family because our matriarch is beyond sick and my mother has been hit hard with the revelation that the situation with her husband is greater than it seems. This and all of my sibs having their own shit to deal with (mortgages, children, work, work related stress, time management, distance, finances) and me not having any of what they have to deal with puts me center stage whether I want it to or not, and I cannot bug the fuck out right now.

I know there's a lot of cussing in these paragraphs but I have to mention God right here..

God has called me to be an intercessor.

When you realize that, you cannot complain, make excuses or run and hide. My family's balance is contingent on me holding steady to do the things and make decisions I've thought about but never wanted to really be a part of executing, but if I don't who will? When I called my little brother and thought that he already knew he was asking ME why he wasn't filled in earlier in the day and spazzed the hell out after getting completely filled in. After he learned the facts, he told me that it was too much information to add to his work-related stress as well as him just walking in the door having not taken the time to asses his own family's status...

No answer at lil sis's home or cell...
Overworking older brother cannot be found.

And now you know why Mother Dear waited twelve hours after working on stabilizing step dad, thought on it and called my ass. She figured out that I somehow is her intercessor. After staring in her eyes last night in a realization that even when her husband gets checked out and goes home that she has to prep herself for what could be the most improbable and unexpected moments in her life... I see that I cannot absolutely without fail bug the fuck out.

The stakes are so high right now.

When you see, feel, understand and acknowledge that right there... You already know how to act and what to say and do.

Realization that you are not in control makes you want to control yourself the best ways possible in order to lead by example is chapter one in: 'How Not To Bug The Hell Out When Everything Around You Is Falling Apart'...

I never knew that living this life would be the text for something greater. Take my words and process them. Learn exactly what an intercessor is so if need be you or someone can follow suit. Also, don't fuck with me right now because there is one hell of a delicate balance gwans' on over here. To upset that will probably revert me back to twenty years ago which was my first week of Army basic training things are that raw right now.

But I love you. Remember that as well.

What I learned/Living Just Enough For The City

It took me a minute to get to this point.

It's 1:15 am and I am at Starbucks of all places, letting the jazz, blues and zydeco-feel work its way thru my body via the overhead speakers and into the ear canal to the funk-head nod/dance processor... It's crowded but there is room enough to find a spot to cozy up to, plug in your power cord and abuse the somewhat quick but not fast enough bandwidth wi-fi thingermajigger that unleashes your soul onto the internet.

I still feel a void.

I still am a little confused because I've been thinking waaaay too much about death, spirit and the other side as well as my sense of purpose. I'm having trouble knowing what my calling is right now. The wheels are moving but I can't get the car out of the mud. I think if I rock back and forth...

I still am very amazed that I am back in Chicago, but I'm loving the hustle and bustle. A drive down the street is no longer a lonely series of a performance of actions. People are everydamnwhere. Buildings are plentiful and there is so much concrete, glass and steel to get yourself lost in. I am bouncing around a visual kaleidoscope of metropolis flavored Gotham and I still dig this. I am built for big city motion. I blend with the commute. My reflexes as well as my peripheral vision thanks me. I said a prayer to mother nature as to put in a bid for a minimum of 8 more weeks of this.

Headwraps, halters and sundresses, y'all.
Three button close crops, denim and timbos...
Wide brim buckets to block out the sun
Cardigan sweaters in the summertime to beat the break room chill
Neon-flavored thongs plunge into the crack of a barely covered ass
And she turns and looks at you like you're not supposed to stare
Where the hell are my singles?
Cars drive by with the booming system knocking some chick
Named Gaga?
Crowded buses, bunched together on the same route
Making everybody late for work
Except that one guy wearing earmuffs

Wait...

Those are headphones
Hustle Man begging for change
As the loose-square man corners the market for twenty-five cent smokes
At some random crowded bus stop.
Oooooh, snap! I can get two slices for under six bucks
And cold beverages are just a corner bodega away
but I can't buy anything because the lotto line is long...

Oh shit, he's writing me a ticket!
Welcome back to the city, chump...
Get in where you fit in.

2009 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo YaDig!



I never expected to be back so soon. Today, my wife and I sat with my aunt who recently found out that her right lung was filled with cancer. She sneaked a cigarette when I went out to the car (and she sent my wife out after me to give me a parking sticker, which allowed her to get at least two to three puffs in), and I saw the smoke floating around her bedroom area and said nothing when I got back in.

Later on I told her to do her thing. She's 83 and subtracting one smoke from her life's routine wasn't going to hurt things any further. She like me is a creature of habit. I also asked her to not let my mother, other aunts, uncles and cousins influence be the brokering point of her treatment decision in the near future. She agreed. I also told her to not lock me out regardless of what the chemo or whatever treatment she chooses does to her body. My love for her is the same regardless of aesthetics.

She's the reason I am here. Explained it to my other half.

She introduced her closest male friend to her little sister, fresh up from Mississippi. That man is my grandfather and the little sister... My mother's mother.

As we sat and got that good old-school knowledge and a handful of history lessons from this grand dame, I realized that I was gaining intel on the how and why my Gemini Scribe Twin did what she did in her last months, weeks and days. Coming to terms with pain, struggle and impending death takes a strong human being, and she (both shes, past tense and present) sat there with no waver in her voice and no fear in her statements and boldly told us that she was ready.

For any damn thing.

Scuse' my French...




Shit. Damn and Motherfucker.

Ya heard me? Okay then.




Here is my somewhat frail, elder mother-sister coming at us with the strength of a 30 year old working for the post office and the attitude of a sixteen year old trying hard as fuck to make the varsity squad, not passing herself off as a Grand Canyon rock of a human being but actually being one. Harder than hard. Not even erosion could smooth her stone. Sitting in front of two people at least forty five years her junior telling them that if it happens today, right friggin' now that she has been ready.

No regrets.
No yearning for do overs
Meaning every word and feeling satisfied in her accomplishments and failures.

I nodded my head. I agreed with all of her assessments. We talked about my grandmother, her sister that passed on in 1992 and her best friend and big brother, my grandfather that passed on six months to the day before his wife in 1991. Her little brother/my uncle who passed on two weeks to the day from her younger sister/my aunt in 2005 and how he lay in the same church, same place he arranged for his sister just two Saturdays later and how it frazzled the shit out of her, forcing her to move to Cleveland and how she had to come back to her other sister/my aunt passing in 2007... The event that brought me home from Houston, forcing me to break my silence and stubbornness to speak to my mother for the first time in almost 2 years.

We never spoke of heaven, hell or omnipotent powers waving their holy hand making things happen. We only spoke of how we dealt with loss, how family acted and reacted and what we had to do to want to carry on. She was instructing us in those moments earlier yesterday on how to carry on. Without her. And I caught every note, every stanza of her song, lyric and melody.

It wasn't a depressing conversation. It was very explanatory to my wife because she was around only for my aunt's passing in 07' and not the others. It was very comforting for me because she knows of my Gemini Scribe Twin's passing and how selfish I was in wishing things went the way I wanted them to go because I told her like I told my wife and mother last week how I felt like I just got left behind.

She let me know in those moments that I was never alone.
She told me that the experiences I share stays with me as long for as I want them to.
She indicated to me that I am who I know and love.

I love my wife.
I love my mother.
I love my father.
I love my sibs.
I love those I call friend, I know now that number is lower than I thought or expected.
I love the revolution and those I have never met that choose to be free thru its execution.
I love doing and saying that I did.
I also love what others would do to have done what I have... Indicates how I am blessed.
I also am in love with creativity and imagination... Keeps me grounded here in the Matrix.
I love the fact that I am blessed with messages from ancestors, my spirit guides and my elders.
I love myself.
I love life and having the ability to actually live with these constraints.

I may not understand what happens after all of this is done. I know, acknowledge and understand what I have been taught. Growing up Catholic, spending my teen years as Muslim, building with the Gods and the Earths as a young man, hearing so many from places far and beyond speak on things so far beyond my realm of understanding...

Helps me to overstand.

I'm learning (that is an exciting thing to say about myself in my right now) that I cannot stand still and ponder things I'll never get the answers to. I'm learning that I must create my own set of answers by establishing legacy and building family and sharing experiences. Living life and enjoying it should occupy enough time to define the answers I am looking for. It should also keep me so busy that...

Shit.

I gotta go... Got stuff to do







See ya' around more often round these here parts. Life is calling!
And I gotta move my car...






unfin.

.








And so I must turn the page...
















And I will.














.

The Finality Of Things

I'm sitting sideways over here.

I just woke up from a nap. I had to get some sleep in after driving in from the greater Los Angeles/Long Beach area this morning.

I absolutely had to spend time (which wasn't enough and wasn't the circumstances) with dear friends before I head east. I wish I had more time.

I am a mess right now. I am coming to terms with the loss of my sister. I just cannot place this occurrence with anything right now. I am thirty eight years old and I just lost a peer. I really thought that I would have more time before folk that aren't family but are emotionally close would die. I thought at we would live a little, some to marry and have kids and others to venture out and accomplish things in travel and experience. Anika and I made promises to each other to do things in life that would enhance the experience for friends, family and folk who either read us in passing or subscribed to our blogs or obtained our publications. She used to tell me that I just need to continue to travel, take pics and just write about it and that one day she would catch up to me in that regard.

I've always been a wanderer. I've always been willing to share that stuff as well. Me being selfish again wishes that she could have recovered and got out there to do her own traveling. Just in the past couple of weeks I was sending her pics via text/picture mail and she got a kick out of seeing that stuff. I really hoped that times like the Arizona, New York and that most recent D.C. trip were bound to come again for her. We planned to be at the Brooklyn Hip Hop Festival for three damn years... We never made it. Stuff always came up though.

I am not a religious man. I am more of a study of the spiritual and definitely into breaking down the metaphysical. My beliefs in what man has crafted has changed over the years. I have a hard time believing one particular person's theology because it seems too convenient and makes the believer look selfish. The universe is too big and there is too much to be answered for us to come to a conclusion that it is all about us. I really believe that man has taken the thoughts of intelligent design and religion and made it all about himself because at one time in our history we thought that we were all alone and couldn't see past the clouds.

With that being said, I have my own theories on the spirit and our life forces. I have never thought so hard about these things: the spirit, where it goes, life forces, the concept of forever, the notion that we will one day see each other again... The moment you lose someone that is NOT family that you opened yourself up to and let into your realm do you really begin to wander off into what all of this really means in the grand scheme of things.

I mean, we have developed a process to accept the death of an elder and family members. We help and assist each other in coping and understanding the passing of a blood relative that gets sick or suddenly leaves this realm by whatever means. We grow up with these people in our lives and there is a process of hospice within ourselves in which we can let go and come to agreement with their end and our continuance.

What happens when you meet someone by chance encounter, are introduced to or are just brought together by friggin' osmosis with a complete stranger from outside of your circle and/or personal region and you open yourself up to them and they to you (and not marry or pursue a romantic relationship with, partner up with business or otherwise, etc) and build trust, respect each other's boundaries, create a history of kinship and friendship with and then one day out of nowhere... That person is jettisoned from your square?

How does one deal with the finality of death of the people around and connected to them not by blood when he or she hasn't fully come to terms with the conditions and constraints of their own life?

This is where I am right now.

I am hurt and saddened in my friends passing. I am shocked and amazed in the fact that we're the same age and years ago in attempts to look at these times we thought at we would find ourselves knee deep in opportunity to thrive in whatever life dealt us in those unseen moments.

I'm angry that there was no moment of triumph over her most recent time spent these past months suffering through, even though she didn't complain.

I am heartbroken for her family and her BFFs... I know that sacrifices were made, concessions were placed and duty was served in providing love and comfort. We invest our time and effort thinking that there will be an abundant return. Most times there are. The time spent over the years yields so much, but our selfishness in wanting things to go our way sometimes clouds the memories of days past because we expect our present and future to be filled with the ones we feel the need to lean on.

My wife is my lover, confidant and companion. She is my business partner, co-pilot and positive visionary opposite in what I see in order to provide the yang to my ying. She is my motivation to conquer the world for our comfort. I expect her to be there every damn day. I do not know what I would do without her at my side, even when she's fussing and complaining...

My mother is my blanket. She wraps me in her emotion and provides me with that gentle voice that confirms that everything is okay. She still attempts to jump in front of me to protect and shield me from life's adversity. She is my example of continuance and steadfastness in the face of poverty, racism and ignorance. I get my determination from her. I need her to be right there when I call or visit. She drops everything to be with me in that moment because I'm the kid that wanders away and there's no telling where or when I might be...

My brother is my man at arms. He's a younger me so our interests are the same. He schools me on marriage and family because he had a family way before I ever thought of jumping the broom. We enjoy simple things that we add complications to because we're engineers.

My sister is my reality check. She has never held back about the who, what and hows in my life. She delivers my reality in short bursts of truth and is very protective over me. She's my peer nurturer and picks up where my mother leaves off in wanting to shield me from adversity. If I were ever persecuted, she would provide sanctuary and wouldn't even let on to her husband that I'm living in the basement... I'd eat well too.

Troy, Al and Richard served time in different points in my life as my best friend, road dog and partner in crime. I am still good with all of them but folks hook up, get married and start families and focus on building their own legacies and like me now, the energy spent is now devoted companionship and faithfulness in family and their significant others are rightfully their best friend. But we still kick it when time and opportunity permits

My Pops is my spirit guide. He has been through so much but his faith and understanding in what faith and religion really is flabbergasts me to this day. When we spend time and talk things through, that wisdom he has gained in failure and triumph, through loss and major gain gives me all the schooling I need to overstand what it'll take to get to where he is in life. My dad is my minister and counselor. He understands what's in my heart and can express that more than I ever could.

Anika was my truth squad. Everybody has one person that is this to them. Nikki slapped my ass with the pure, unadulterated truth in everything on a regular basis. I loved that about her, even if she would get all introverted and shy and try not to call herself out. That's what I was there for on some occasion. She was my sister, kindred in spirit. We were too damn similar in many ways, many things. Looking and dealing with her was like dealing with myself we were so damn alike. She was way more talented and me and I was in awe of how easy most things came in her ability to create. Losing her was like losing a reflection in the mirror. I am having difficulty in dealing with the finality of it all.

I absolutely could not in the most selfish way ever lose anyone in my inner circle... And I did.

It now has me questioning every damn thing. I'm feeling lost right now knowing that I must travel east and place closure on things. The finality of things... I'm not sure how to deal right now, but I'm doing the best I can in this moment. Don't expect much from me though. Thinking about her family and what they're going through is harrowing enough.

I need time to process.

Boy, that was me rambling on, huh?

The shop is closed until after Labor Day Weekend. On my way to Atlanta one mo' gin.

The Remnants Forever Staining My Memory

It was April 2006.

I composed this piece and sent it off to her

We move within silence not
knowing if that motion is directed
towards completion.

To me silence replaces distance,
so I make noise as to keep unspoken
feelings audible.

If I can hear, then I know that you're close.
It comforts me knowing that your emotions
are within arms reach.

I hope that actions mean completion
of us. I pray that distance only means
that we'll be together in the meantime
and that we can grow out of individual
space.

In time.

The clicking that interrupts white noise is
me eagerly responding to you. At times I'm
afraid to pick up the phone, during others I
become a coward, withdraw and anticipate
you typing.

I get short of breath.

Silence broken ushers curious gladness.
Reconnected via wrists and fingertips helps
smooth quiet loneliness out. It replaces
conversation, but only in a season.

I write in silence only to break it with a
yearning thought. I read aloud to exercise
the power of the written word into spoken.

Words have the power of life and death.

I view pictures with hopes of recall
enhancing our face to face. Every
now and then I check my pocket
to make sure I have enough to
bring that thing together.

I can't swallow. That thought so tense.

That thing is time. Things happen in
due time. Timing is everything, it's special
that I might want to dedicate said
time for a long time.

We move within silence not knowing if that
motion is directed towards completion,
but we want it to.

We want it to, right?


Her response: yup, and that was beautiful, hassan. absolutely
beautiful. :)

It meant something different at that time. I had a meaning of kinship recently and now it means something totally different. And I really thought that simple words, although I do love them had a singular defined meaning and held its prose when you composed them. I was wrong. Although the intent of this composition was one thing, it actually meant to convey something else and she got it, others did not. I caught hell for publishing this piece at the time we both knew what this was.

I had found a lyrical soul mate. Man, we had love for words.

We never got around to creating that album we wanted to do, but I do have the bits and pieces of other things written from 2003 and beyond although anything written from September 2009 and beyond will be so one sided.

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

We were friends
a long time ago...

laughin', rappin'...
chasin' girls...

obeyin' no laws,
except the one of caring.

Basketball days and high nights.

No tomorrows.

Unable to remember yesterday...  
we live for today.


- Preach
  (reading to Cochise)
  Cooley High - 1975 


I feel like Preach at the end of 'Cooley High'

I can't explain in writing why I feel this way, I know that I just do. My life has take this unexpected turn into the unknown and I'm having difficulty letting go of the current because it's the past. I'm not in great health but I'm getting back to optimum. That I can explain. I think.

Okay, I'll try here.

Back in my army days, if you lived in the barracks (which ain't nothing but a big-ass dorm for single soldiers and maybe a few folk that were a little too young to be out on their own - You could go off base and rent an apartment, but for some the trappings of having just enough space for yourself and free meals at the mess hall was too good to pass up) you not only had to maintain your own personal space but you had to clean the common areas and keep them spotless. At least once a month Sarge would call for a 'G.I. Party' which was a day in which you weren't at the library, out on a date or at the mall. The whole entire residency of the barracks was present and accounted in order to clean the place from top to bottom.

The barracks was always a place for presentation. One never knew when a command officer would show up for a surprise inspection. One would never know when they would show us just to say hello just to see how you were living, so when I stayed in the barracks I helped keep the place spotless (well, except for this one time in Korea... Another story). You could eat off the floors in that place and that's where the comparisons to how I feel right now begin.

The floors in the main areas and hallways were always clean and shiny. We would clean, strip, wax and buff the floors every week or so. After about two weeks, maybe three (if we had a field training exercise the floors would not get stripped, whoever stayed behind and cleaned the floors in our absence would put floor wax in a spray bottle and use the electric buffer to keep the shine going) if we were out there that long, there would be layers of floor wax there and we would have to use a cutting agent to strip the floors before re-cleaning them and laying down a new coat of wax. You could see in the edges where the floor met the wall and in the corners a darkening of the wax where dirt would accumulate. It took a long time to strip them floors, but in presentation and cleanliness it was well worth it.

I took pride in cleaning the floors in my section.
I just wish I would have remembered to do this internally.
Literally and figuratively.

I got out of the army at the end of 92/the beginning of 93 and I headed back home to Chicago. I had a girlfriend back there waiting and my family half-assed opened their arms to welcome me back. I had a friend from high school that was like a brother and other friends and acquaintances that were there for me to re-connect with and I did just that. I reconnected.

I met a handful of folks along the way and befriended some and kept others at arm's distance. I felt like I had support if I needed it and even though I lost a few folks along the way I worked and played within my support system and there were no complaints.

Being conscious about things was natural progression, and other than my friend from high school, my younger brother and a few folk I called friend there was no support in me growing, learning new things that would have taken me away from the hood and living on my own terms. My man from high school stuck with my fickle decisions to make music or not, and although we don't hang out as much these days him, his wife and family have my utmost respect for dealing with me. I think that most folk only know how to deal with folk that are just like them. Having an open mind (and I haven't had one all my life) and dealing with folk on their own terms weirds most folk out (see: Healthcare Reform in 2009 - any newspaper or news site), and they keep you at arms's distance only calling when they want something.

I dealt with that, but I also grew to like different things outside of what my geographic constraints would allow, so I started to travel and I liked it. I should say that I shedded a few pounds along the way in people that I couldn't actually explain why to myself they were still in my life. A lot of drama ensued from me ending a decade plus long relationship, to eliminating religion to changing my name and then moving to locales that gave me comfort and peaked my curiosity. It wasn't all successful and there was some damage left in some places. I burned bridges with a few and got burned by folk that either unintentionally or intentionally wanted to do so. These things left a lot of residue and built up like that wax on the floor in the barracks twenty years ago. I needed a powerful cutting agent to be able to cut thru the build up in order to emotionally start anew.

As that dirt in the corners and the floor's edge had built up exponentially, things began to weigh me down.

When I got out of the military back in the day I started to eat things that I did not consume while in service. I got big. I got slow. I got fat and in 1998 I damn near killed myself form the years of food residue pile up, high fructose corn syrup, alcohol and tobacco consumption. For a moment I heeded the call and got healthy, then I went back to hamburgers, chicken wings and beer and then I'd stop to get healthy again. I was channeling my inner Luther Vandross.


As a result of my actions regarding my lifestyle choices and health options, my heart is suffering.
As a result of my actions, intent and relationships from the past to current, my heart is suffering.


The ups and downs of my past lifestyle has introduced my body to atherosclerosis. The past couple of months I've been unable to sleep because when I lay down my legs from the knee down and my hands go numb. The hardening of my arteries and the difficulty of pumping the blood has made my heart weak. Now I can get things back to normal over time and I have been supplementing and changed my diet to accommodate this, but the agent I'm using to cut the wax build up off of my floors is powerful. I'm a little lethargic and am always chronically fatigued nowdays. Little by little it gives me less opportunity to get stuff done, but I'm okay, my body is catching up on all of that missed sleep. The herbicuticals give me pockets in which I can sleep without going in pain and or feeling numbness but those moments have given me time to think. (Like I have a choice in the matter).

The ups and downs of my life, my relationships and actions have introduced me to waking up from my 2 hour pockets of much needed rest to realize that life itself is fleeting. I realized that I put an emotional stake into friendships that were never actual. That I spent some of my time and effort in life unaware that life can leave my vessel at any moment. I lived for the day (which I'll still do in some aspects) but I never planned for tomorrow in other aspects. By my recent understanding that my life has value to me and knowing that I was just amusement and appeasement to others, I had a Cochise moment. A lot of the bullshit (and the people that brought said bullshit) died. A lot of meaningful things and relationships that meant something to me in the past died. Bad opportunities died. Good things with consequences that the old me would have appreciated also ceased.

So recently I wrote my poem, said it at the grave site and headed west leaving a lot of people, family and friends as well as posers, pretenders and bad opportunities behind. Making that drive was also a powerful cutting agent as well but...

Even though I'll miss certain aspects of Chicago...
My family and true friends...
Some great opportunities...

I gotta strengthen my heart.

Literally and figuratively.

I always cry when Cochise dies in that film but I know that Preach does move forward and will do well. I know that I will too. I also believe that you can come home again. I'm just hoping to have that opportunity to do just that after I get my act together. Whatever in my third act this turns out to be.

The Road Trip Is Over

Today is just a regular day.

Today is a special day.

Today well, is today I guess.

It's been 74 days since we left Chicago, one month since we left Atlanta and a month in Las Vegas. I don't think the wife and I had a big blue clue that when we got here that we would stop.

And stay.

It's official folks (like most of the inner circle didn't already know), we currently live in Las Vegas, Nevada and this place is nothing like you thought it was. You have to be a local to figure that out though.

Now from what I already knew, Vegas has a booming tourism thingee but unlike Chicago they have found a way to keep damn near 99% of those guys either around or on the strip. I remember visiting Vegas in the past and in catching cabs to casinos and attractions far away from Las Vegas Blvd thinking how plain and boring the actual city was in comparison to the bright lights and 24 hour excitement the strip has to offer. Well, when you live here you are appreciative that the drunken, touristy, crazy and just plain curious don't want to come into the residential and commercial areas.

Thank the lord.
No, seriously. Take a knee.

This place is relatively quiet and 'normal' with its own amenities. Even though tourism fluctuates and the unemployment rate is right at the nation's highest (12.5%), if you are a skilled laborer, a degreed management professional, an artist (of any sort) with a proven sales/audience track record, a politician or civil service professional, in transportation (like myself), a personal trainer (or trainer of any type) or have design, culinary or construction expertise and the lambskin or certificate with experience to back it up, you will find yourself gainfully employed in this city without a doubt.

Foreclosure rates are the highest in the nation, so if you're in the market for a nice 4 bedroom, 3 bath home with a pool in a gated community or if you want good city living in a 3 bedroom ranch not far from the WalMart and the mall you can rent one for what I like to call 'crackhead rates'. Home rentals are dangerously below sane market value here and they even offer 3, 6 and 12 month short term leasing for most that can afford it.

There is even a 'hustler's market' here, offering short term apartment rentals with no credit check that can accommodate you daily, weekly and monthly. Most of these places are clean, quiet and protected by armed security. As far as groceries and soft commerce, the grocery stores offer the exact same items we lived off of in Chicago and Atlanta for at least 35% less than what we paid for, and the taxes are remarkably less.

Now there are casino/hotel/resorts located all around Vegas, Henderson and the surrounding cities. They are just as big as the strip hotels and have the same slots, tables and entertainment as them too. The food, breads and circuses are a step below the strip with some properties that jump high well above some of the premium strip hotels, and that lures the Vegas regular to a more quiet, service and luxury focused spot. One thing, the crazy strip mentality doesn't exist at these places, and some of them even have ice skating rinks, movie theaters and bowling alleys attached to them so there is a lot of local traffic that kind of blends in with the more laid back Vegas visitor. That was impressive to us as when we first encountered it because we live directly across the street from 2 huge properties in North Vegas and it stays quiet.

I thought things would be crazy here, but there are residential areas that surround these places and the police and (visible AND hidden) private have a security presence to protect the property tax payer as well as not letting any riff-raff spoil the relaxed environment for the business, pleasure and casual traveler. It kind of balances out.

But Vegas does have a ton of open, undeveloped space that's actually being claimed and bidded on by some of the fat cats that want to build more. There are also various housing community building booms here as well. Vegas also has a few 'hood' areas with bad element like all cities, but here is a different kind of crime element here that I observed from afar.

When we were in Atlanta there were crimes of opportunity committed by the have-nots against the haves. Nicer neighborhoods experienced robberies on a more grander scale than in Chicago. You don't have to worry much about your 60 inch flat screen being stolen than getting jacked for your car and jewelery. Easier to cash out and move it. In Chicago there is white collar crime, drug and gun trafficking and gang violence. Lots of kids die in the crossfire in the Chi. Atlanta has their share of gang related crime but it seems that this is more poverty driven.

In Vegas, there is prostitution, drug crime and a touch of gang violence, but the biggest thing going on here is fraud. Now folks are getting shot just like in other cities, and there is a gang element here as well as most folk just being tribal but... Fraud is where it's at here in the desert. Waaaay to many people to get over on whether they be a tourist with hopes of hitting the big jackpot, to the savvy business traveler that wants to live out that getaway fantasy in three days to of course, the Joe Schmoe that comes to Vegas looking to launch his dream. Even the young, married couple that just moved here to take the $10 an hour park ranger job can get scammed because everyone comes here for something. We're used to seeing that kind of stuff.

Which leads things back to us. So let's see...

Cheap living, cheapER cost of living, easy access to amenities and recreation, the ability to take advantage of a soft real estate market selling as permanent living but being masked as a temporary set up... Yeah. We agreed that we could camp out here for a year, even more and stack that paper to buy the house we really want back east. And oh yeah, the airport is right over there... And L.A is a 4 hour drive to the west, Phoenix 4 to the south and my old stomping grounds in Salt Lake City 6 hours to the north WITH support from friends that live less than a 15 minute drive away.

Yeah, we found support here from our couple/friends and their family so the shock of being isolated in the desert from folks we know and love never happened. One thing did happen that I have to mention: The outside influence that provided doubt, resistance and poison to our relationship died the moment we started our drive to Atlanta.

Imagine that? A bevy of family and friends in our sweet home Chicago offering advice, support and fellowship, and from some of them what they offered (a chosen few) was the sticks, matches and kindling sure to burn down our relationship. Oh, it wasn't just from folks in Chicago either. I just know that since we hit the road certain hurdles were immediately eliminated.

My other half reminded me that my original idea was to stay in Oregon for a year or two after we got hitched in 07 because I felt that isolation in order to deal with each other is what we needed to maintain a stable relationship. I hadn't forgotten that but it was put on the back burner somehow. I don't know, work and stuff. All I know is now we have stronger support from friends now than when we lived down the street and around the corner from folks.

I do miss my brother and sister in-law and their family
I miss our neighbors that lived across from us.
I miss Lake Shore Drive.
I miss just busting all up into my mother's house.
Hell, I miss a lot of things.

One thing I missed and didn't realize until we sat down to make the decision to stay in Vegas though was having my peace of mind. I forgot exactly what that was. Funny, I never knew I'd find it just laying out here in the damn desert. Vegas has its lack of culture, smarmy parts, sleaziness and just plain dry, hot and dull elements to it, but it's home now. I can't wait til' the DirecTv guys come out and deliver my football to my front door, then we're really cooking.

It doesn't feel weird saying those things.

Heh. Viva Las Vegas.

The Stew Gets Darker

I've been trying to find the right way to explain it. You try not to offend or assume anything about someone, something or some people but when a situation hits its fever pitch, you're not supposed to just let it take you over and engulf you.

I'm talking about this whole healthcare thingamobob.

It would be foolish for folks to just idly sit there and let this issue pass them by. The suggestions and changes being brought forth is paramount to how we will live the rest of lives here in this country. It has to be discussed because the current, proposed and future system(s) of healthcare affects each and every one of us, so I'll get to it.

It has been incredibly silent in the black community as a whole. One one hand you have folks like myself that have a passing concern and hope for the best. On the other, you have a whole gang of folks that really don't care one way or the other. The folks that read the papers, gather info from the internet and watch the news in attempts to gather fair assessment of what's going on are purposely being desperately quiet as to not be engaged.

Ask my grandmother. Hell, ask my mother... Wait! Ask me.

We have been here before. Nothing is going to happen. Somebody might get hurt, but...

One of the main reasons a lot of minorities haven't really spoken up on healthcare reform is because we know that a certain silent part of the majority will be energized in knowing that change on the way of American life is imminent whenever 'sweeping reform' of anything takes place. We know that this country was founded on human trafficking and the trade of goods and commodities manufactured and handled by its human chattel. We also know that some of the corporations and financial institutions still exist from that era and some newer ones formed over time to present day were supported and partnered with monies from businesspeople, families, foreign and religious interests which as a result houses the majority of our upper class.

The rich in this nation continue to get richer and the poor get poorer. Thank you free market system! It works!

Some of those large companies that exist off of money from the past are being upheld by the government via asset relief and bailout money that has already been taken from the taxpayer. Other companies have downsized and reduced themselves into unemployable, unrecognizable shams of their former selves. Whereas Latin and other minority groups have integrated, entered the various markets and are growing in population, folks of African descent are actually growing in reverse. The perception and acceptance of these people has always been suspect to say the least by the majority for whatever reason.

Most minorities had to be legislated into the class system, then taking liberties of the laws of the land to freely participate in the free market system as well as the various markets and workplaces, thus thrusting themselves into the middle and upper class. For a lot of (mostly) black and (these days not a lot of) Latino folk over the years, attempting to integrate the market and workplace as well as the real estate market (obtaining prime housing) has been a complete and utter failure.

The majority has gone to great strides to preserve their version of American life, and that ain't a bad thing. The lack of understanding and the lack of acceptance has given most folk in the American majority a great advantage in achieving the American dream, and the misunderstanding of self, the lack of self respect and the curse of pride... both having too much and not having enough all in the same breath has held African American folk specifically back to the point where most of us still struggle to achieve middle class goals even in 2009.

There is hope but... It takes two to tango and neither the majority or minority wants to extend their hand to dance. Although we as a people have been taught and trained to forgive and forget, history tells us that the change the current president campaigned on to win the election last year wasn't really expected to happen because most folk don't forget. There is so much mistrust and disrespect being thrown not just his way, but in a wise Latina supreme court justice, an African-American attorney general, a liberal female secretary of state and a Jewish white house chief of staff's way because they lack the proper aesthetic in some people's minds causing them to think that the American way of life they knew as children and young adults will be snatched from them with no regard to the constitution and their unalienable rights.

Some folk are also mad that their candidate didn't win and the audacity of 'that one' to be so confident and arrogant... My word! Some folk no longer respect the process or the office as well as the law (and we are a nation of laws) because the sanctity of it all has been tarnished by a brown hand.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Reform Madness - White Minority
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Spinal Tap Performance

Why the mistrust? Why the disrespect? Why the anger?

The reason a lot of black folk haven't responded is because this has happened before. Regardless of who was in charge, regardless of who was minding the store a bunch of promises were made and never kept. Most folk know that these are just proposals, ideas that are being thrown on the wall to see what sticks. Most of us know that special interest groups will line the pockets of some and make it rain for others in order to maintain the status quo. EVERYONE knows that our current health system must change to reflect the needs of the people.

The majority will one day become the minority, this we know, but it ain't happening tomorrow. We know who has the money, the advantages and who can influence rule making, so for a lot of black and Latino folk - poor, fairing midland and extremely well off we know that change will be fought with resistance so we bide our time and pray for the day the sweet chariot comes forth to carry us home.

Some of us do that.

The choices in thought and the belief in reparations of some sort based in a weird form of white fear and guilt makes healthcare reform in 2009a major race issue.

To reform the system, we begin to remove the system that was put in place that appeases the majority. Thing is, things will eventually start to balance themselves out. I cannot change how folks were raised. I cannot stop folks from teaching what they teach in the privacy of their own homes. I cannot dispel the rumors and can't stand alone attempting to preach the truth til' my face turns blue because I myself do not know exactly what that is anymore because my mama could be an agent (Sup' Langston and Alyson!). What I do know is...

Well to the small majority of folks out there that just woke up full of anger because inclusion of folk outside your circle and reform will supposedly break your system and eliminate your way of life, we're just like you. Faith based systems, flesh and bone, how we put on pants. We're remarkably like you in so many ways. No need to demonize a process being suggested to open something up to folks that never had real access. I mean, really! A little inclusion would be nice, and if you really want to know about us then... Just ask.

The anger and mistrust and lack of respect is real. Glen Beck said that this is all about reparations. Bill O'Rielly said that it's all about an extreme left agenda. Rush said that this is the precursor to socialism and then dictatorship. Lou Dobbs said that certain folks just want to break the system without seeming terrorist.Conservatives speak in cynical fashion ready to fight to save their way of life.

The same rhetoric was used in the late 1800s and during the Suffrage and Civil Rights movement. The same scare tactics were used against folk like Harvey Milk.

Us minorities know that whenever healthcare reform is passed, it won't look like anything being suggested right now and that this certain small part of the majority got their panties all up in a bunch because somebody suggested that our healthcare system readjust itself to look like all of America and to prepare itself for a different looking America somewhere down the line.

Eventually the hot button issue in America will be about our horribly inefficient and financially wasteful healthcare system. Whenever the shouting stops and dialogue can actually start that would be nice, but this conversation ain't nowhere near talking about health insurance...

It's just a small bunch of folks scared and feeling the pinch, ready to fight, beig egged on by corporate and political interests.

Pray that we get something done.

In Your Hands...

Why should there not be a patient confidence in the ultimate justice of the people? Is there any better or equal hope in the world? In our present differences, is either party without faith of being in the right? If the Almighty Ruler of Nations, with His eternal truth and justice, be on your side of the North, or on yours of the South, that truth and that justice will surely prevail by the judgment of this great tribunal of the American people.
By the frame of the Government under which we live this same people have wisely given their public servants but little power for mischief, and have with equal wisdom provided for the return of that little to their own hands at very short intervals. While the people retain their virtue and vigilance no Administration by any extreme of wickedness or folly can very seriously injure the Government in the short space of four years.
My countrymen, one and all, think calmly and well upon this whole subject. Nothing valuable can be lost by taking time. If there be an object to hurry any of you in hot haste to a step which you would never take deliberately, that object will be frustrated by taking time; but no good object can be frustrated by it. Such of you as are now dissatisfied still have the old Constitution unimpaired, and, on the sensitive point, the laws of your own framing under it; while the new Administration will have no immediate power, if it would, to change either. If it were admitted that you who are dissatisfied hold the right side in the dispute, there still is no single good reason for precipitate action. Intelligence, patriotism, Christianity, and a firm reliance on Him who has never yet forsaken this favored land are still competent to adjust in the best way all our present difficulty.
In your hands, my dissatisfied fellow-countrymen, and not in mine, is the momentous issue of civil war. The Government will not assail you. You can have no conflict without being yourselves the aggressors. You have no oath registered in heaven to destroy the Government, while I shall have the most solemn one to "preserve, protect, and defend it."
I am loath to close. We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.

Final portion of his first Inaugural Address - Monday March 4, 1861

- Abraham Lincoln
16th President Of The United States

And It Comes To This...

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What Say You?

The Least Of These

Let me get this right...

A small percentage of so-called 'patriot citizens' have loosely banned together using motivational tactics from an over bearing, finger pointing radio personality and an over emotional TV buffoon (both with past drug problems) and political leadership from bible misinterpreting, philandering policy screw-ups with no viable solutions to some of the problems that they help to implement in years past to go out and spend time and money to disrupt town hall meetings on health care, flood the internet with disparaging remarks about politicians, scholars, journalists and tax paying citizens that do not look like them and put billboards and posters up around the country disrespecting and badmouthing anyone that oppose their scripted and arrogantly, painfully ignorantly believed, forced fed theories on what life in a Christian based, free-market democracy should be?

That's nice. People can say what they want. We do have freedom of speech in this country and the right to rebel. It is said that rebellion is the best form of patriotism, and it is. I just have one problem: Where in the hell is the opposition?

If you have a job and never read that thick-ass packet of medical stuff you're supposed to turn in-in order to get your benefits started, you know... Just filled it out and shot it back to HR and then years down the line get rejected for that oh so necessary surgical procedure or better yet get dropped from coverage or even better than that hit your coverage limit (this year it dropped down to 2 million for executive and management types), then you have to take responsibility in knowing that you never took the time to read the million pages of small print. You see, doctors get paid to treat the symptoms and not actually heal you. If they got paid (like in other countries) to heal you then you wouldn't need to pay a continuous premium for your limited coverage. You also wouldn't be force fed one or two insurance firms in bed with your employer to pay those monies to as well. But you do read the fine print, go to the town hall an shareholder meetings and actually use the internet to research pending version(s) of health care law and pending reform bills to actually know if your government is or isn't trying to force you out of that coverage, is willing to further subsidize your premiums or not and create competition (or not) so that costs would actually lower said premiums as well as set new rules regarding accepting and not dropping and actually treating folks like myself with a pre-existing condition, right?

You read the bill?
You know the current laws, right?
Called your congressman and or senator, right?

Okay then.

You also understand that as the most powerful nation on the planet that we have safeguards, oversight and an electoral college (as well as a few fraternal and societal orders secret or otherwise) set up to function within a set of laws laid out and interpreted by justices on multiple levels hundreds of years old (well, revamped after our first 11 or so presidents were NOT native of this country) written, displayed, set and taught in plain English at the elementary, middle, secondary and post secondary graduate and juris levels (because we are a nation of laws) to thoroughly vet all candidates running for and and then nominated for final election of any municipal, state and/or federal office, right? That a minimum set of rules has been established for qualification for these important seats, and if these criteria aren't met the candidate absolutely cannot run, nevertheless hold the seat in said office?

So what's the deal with the damn birth certificate again?

You do use the internet, right?
Read the newspaper?
Go to the public library?
Private libraries?
Library of Congress?
Private schools and public universities?
Personal archives?
Microfiche?
Roam municipal, state and federal halls of record?
Private investigator?
Tribal storyteller?
Again, where in the hell is the opposition?

I think I get it. Most of us are scared to speak out of fear that they may lose their position.

I am the least of these.

What about knowing your legal rights as it pertains to you as a citizen both in public and private? Do you understand the Bill of Rights and how that affects municipal law and your rights to roam in public and how one can act in private? The right to bear arms? Freedom of enjoyment as it pertains to owning or leasing property? The right to exercise restraint or perform any act as well as refusing to allow unauthorized persons on private property, including the police? Miranda rights? What about filing false reports and unlawful arrest? I'm still at a loss as to why the press (or anyone else in the media for that matter) or even our presidential beermiester hasn't questioned the blatant false statement written on the Gates report! Have you studied them to the point where you actually know what procedure should be?


NOTE: I have been pulled over and taken out of my vehicle more than 20 times, laid out on the ground while cops performed illegal searches, finding NOTHING, stopped on the street, asked and had my ID ran more times I can count (because I resemble a suspect...) and had my home involved in unwarranted visits at least 10 times (as a resident of a Chicago suburb, being the only black guy on the block, they NEVER set foot in my spot!). As a kid and a teen I was harassed and assaulted, but after I learned the law and informed the officers what I knew the assaults stopped. As of my 33rd birthday there have been zero pullovers, but I still get tailed and get my plates ran in certain spots where neighborhoods have 'extra protection', so you can imagine what my police trust level is. But I am older, have veteran plates, etc...




Right now, the folk with the least are complacent in having just that, less than. The average Joe has been scammed, nickeled & dimed, shamed and scared into complete silence and numbed into not wanting anything more than what they have. Folks that are attacked and judged racially are now the racists. Leaders have been scrutinized in the negative so much by the haves that the have-nots are shamed into forcing them to relinquish said leadership. Community organizers have been ridiculed into obscurity because a one-time community organizer got elected president. Media personalities with blatant agendas use airwaves paid for by the auto, oil, health care and pharmaceutical industries to purposely misinform viewers and listeners via sensationalism, causing a wedge, thus creating angered, arrogant and ignorant partisanship when it comes to political issues and the understanding of detail is lost in translation.

Truth in journalism is dead. It got deregulated right around the time the financial institutions did. All that is left is corporate newspapers and television as well as a corporate web presence all designed to partner up with the manufacturers of consumer goods and services creating false genres with no real dedicated consumer identity because it's all about selling shit. Our must trusted news person is a cable TV comedian.

I know life is hard. I know you have responsibilities. I also know that you need hobbies and need to actually live life in order to balance things out, but the times call for us to stay informed, ARMED with information, and there are so many ways to get it. If financial freedom, fair taxing, racial equality and proper health care, as well as living in a secure and free society is what you crave then I urge you to speak on it.

Our current situation of xenophobia and castigation by a small bunch of angry folk mad that their candidate lost in last year's election is the equivalent to arguing with a law school grad that cannot pass the bar. We all can litigate, but if we never do the research and get the facts all we end up doing is just blowing a whole lot of hot air. As for the working poor, the black middle class, immigrant workers doing jobs we just don't want to touch, women of all races and the working elderly as well as the uninsured, you people need to speak the hell up.

But first, arm yourselves.

There is a small, unarmed militia with no solutions and skewed facts from both sides of the isle (and a few from the cornfields and back alleys) hellbent on spreading gossip, lies and fear just ready to interrupt so the point won't never get across. And because you choose to remain silent due to fear, they will end up influencing policy.

And the fight against Jim Crow, the sacrifice for the Suffrage Movement and the fight for immigrant acceptance and reform as well as voting, wage and health care rights will end up being fights that were executed in vain.

A Photo Op With Gul Dekat...

I plan on blogging sometime later today after I get a nap.

Can't sleep.

Working on flash templates for my other websites.

I am trying not to neglect this one.

Can't sleep.




Maybe I'm just geeking the hell out over the start of the Star Trek Convention this coming Thursday.

I mean, since I've become a resident here in Vegas nothing other than a business opportunity with Shaq and the corporate launch party that ensued this past weekend could convince me to come to the strip. There are so many other good meals, deals and steals not far off of Las Vegas Blvd that visitors NEVER know about that I now do and I'm glad for that.

But this one here... Star Trek Las Vegas 2009?

I am so there dude.


Until I clean up the drool from my workstation and can post something of substance:

Live long and prosper.