The Disconnect

You are not your job.

Specifically, you are not your job title.

You are not your degree or certificate.

You are not defined by a series of letters behind your name.

You damn sure ain't the funky little nickname they gave you on the playground


So why is it that you rise and attempt so hard on the daily to be something, achieve somethings that you are not?

And don't answer "To pay the bills" either. Stop that foolishness.


The disconnect has happened between me and a lot of people because I see that a lot of energy has gone wasted on the unnecessary by folk that I once were close to. I am not one to judge, but I do know to step aside to let certain things play out where at times I will say something in a warning or concern a few times, but if I am never heeded then okay. I just choose not to be around that. That's all.

I learned a long time ago that misery indeed loves company, and I just don't have the wherewithal anymore to stand by and support such things so many of my kinfolk intentionally self destruct. You stand too close to a bomb and you will blow the fuck up, so I back away.

I'm no better than anyone else round here', but I'll be damned if I simply stand around and waste my time. Life itself is too precious and has way more meaning that most folk will ever know. Too many of us are spinning our wheels involving ourselves in matters that have nothing to do with us:

our body composition and makeup

our true sense of spirituality

who we really are as a people

political matters both foreign and domestic

and so on that we suffer because of these unhealthy choices.

Being unhealthy, mired in a poverty mentality and living dysfunctional among each other with a broken spirit when all we do about it is question why, make no true attempt to be happy and die miserable and broke when we know with absolute certainty that whenever you DON'T change the variable, the solution can never change, regardless how many ways you either write the question or attempt to figure out a new route in solving them.

For example, if by proven fact we know that simple consumption of animal products increases the chance of sickness, cellular anomalies (like cancer) and early onset death, then why do you still eat hamburgers without question?

It's funny how when you go out to buy a car, or look for an apartment or a home, or even go clothes shopping how much research one does. Everything has to be ON POINT in order for you to feel confident to buy that car, or move into that house or apartment. You have to have the absolute best price, interest rate and offer on that car AND it better be the color with the features you want or...

But you don't choose your friends that way.

Or your religion

Or your mate

Or even what foods you use to fuel and add nutrition to your body

Scientific study and just plain natural fact is that breast milk fed to a child helps in that human's development (both mother and child) exponentially... So why would you dare go to the market to buy and consume another specie's milk again? Cow's milk contains all of the proper nutrients, DNA and micro-cellular building blocks to be passed on from mother to calf to turn a 400 pound baby calf to a 1200 adult pound cow.

And negro you KNOW that consumption of animal, especially in THIS genetically ravaged society will cause the cancer cells to morph in your system like microwave popcorn around the 3 minute mark...

That's just steak, butter, sour cream, milk and cheese I'm talking bout there. I don't even want to get on religion morality or politics...


But because someone told you some shit and you just ran with it calling it 'tradition', you are miserable as a result of this. So why would I want to hang with you knowing what the outcomes will be if you have done nothing to change the variable and witnessing a lineage... a history of bad results?

It's hard, I know because it's environmental and the people, the products of it is what makes one sick.

That, and a scared negro... One too afraid to change the variable... Will get you killed. And I ain't trying to die for none of y'all.

Hence for some, the disconnect.

You Cannot Trip On What's Behind You

It's funny how people assume things about you, even when you tell them...

I've been very direct and forward, honest and truthful about the events that have happened in my life most recently both physical and emotional. Even though these posts come far and few between, if you read this with regularity then you know somewhat what's going on with me.

I thought it would be refreshing to share even the good and bad with you, the reader. I'm not afraid to say that I was wrong.

Just because I kind of, sort of look like you, speak with the dialectic you familiar with, and probably came up in the same neighborhoods with the same family values that you're probably used to does not mean that I believe, practice or even tolerate some of the things that you do. This goes for education, spiritual/non-spiritual beliefs, morality, where I place my value systems and how I see the world.

The funny thing is, in the 10 years that I have been blogging as well as the many conversations that I have had with some and maybe even most of you over the past decade, there should be certain things that stand out in one's mind to differentiate me from everyone or everything else.

I am not a believer of the God concept.
That means I'm not Christian.
That also means that I see religion as man-made and abstract.
Which means the tenants of Judeo Christian/Islam do not resonate.
I do not follow modern day tradition.
I don't observe so-called holidays and birthdays.
I am also not a pagan.
I do not place value in material objects.
I also don't place value in what someone else says.
I do not seek validation based on groupthink or societal values.
I prefer human contact rather than virtual.
I believe technology is a tool and should be used as such.
I believe that my peer group has substituted in person for virtual...

Friendship that is.

To see a couple hugged up on a park bench, or a group of friends at the dinner table, or a family gathering where all of the uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews are all bantering about and to have that one person staring at a 4 inch screen, distracted and detached, soaking in such a limited view of the world from the average 4 to 6 apps that they exclusively use sickens me.

Coming from a network engineer I know it seems odd. But also coming from the old-school it seems appropriate. Reminds me of what happened when I ran into this beautiful young sister applying for entry to the network engineering program at this networking Academy. She was very curious and she asked tons of questions, and I answered everyone I could to the best of my ability. Hell, I was excited and I told her that there isn't anyone that looks like you in this industry right now.

I ran into the sister again last week, this time she was securing the funds and grabbing test scores to make sure that she secured her space in the program. She brought me up to date about the research that I asked her to do from the time that I saw last and also indicated that she bought a few books to help her so that she knows the basics of networking so she wouldn't jump in the program cold. If you haven't guessed, she has no technical background and doesn't have a clue about programming and networks, but she is willing to try.

I noticed something different about her body language whereas she was more open and receptive to the things that I was saying more than the last encounter we share. She then told me that she took up most of the things that I said to heart and knew that she had research to do, but when I told her that no one in this industry looks the way she does, she thought that I was flirting with her. I addressed all of her questions or concerns with jumping into networking and being black as well as being a woman, but I avoided addressing the flirt comment. What I noticed upon our first encounter a month or so back was that she had a tablet, a cell phone and a Bluetooth device, and she seemed very well-versed in using these devices and accessing information and data.

I can say the same for most of my people, but it irks me when I walk into the workplace or even these training academies as well as universities for that matter and not see any brown scanned people that are native of this land. I do notice that a lot of people that I know that look like me spend an inordinate amount of time on social media sites. What I also noticed is that the information and data mostly pertains to celebrity, and that is passed off as information that one needs to know. A majority of my people think that information regarding the rich and famous, reality TV and nonpolitical high-profile figures is the information that keeps them in the know.

And on the way home on the train, even though I only have about 34% vision in one eye I see the disparaging differences in how we live, what we do to live and how it foretells what the future will probably be for us, and it doesn't depress me, it disappoints.

This past so-called holiday season, I watched most of my people struggle to put food on the table for their loved ones and families. I also watch them struggle to put together family gatherings, holiday parties, purchase gifts and favors and decorate their homes to celebrate something that has absolutely nothing to do with them.

A handful of my friends had their unemployment benefits cut off. Some of them took furlough days from. Others took extended vacations because their jobs just couldn't pay them during the holiday season. A lot of people struggle to make ends meet and picked up extra jobs if they could just so they can keep up with the Joneses and be seen as viable during this holiday season. And when they weren't working they were on Facebook, twitter and other social media sites wasting time.

We live in a day and age where we don't have to ask for anything. We live in a time will we don't need permission to do anything. Most of our parents and grandparents fought the battle for us, so I am at a loss as I watch my people struggle.

A couple of days ago was the three-year anniversary of my slip and fall accident that led me to be in this particular state. From that time to now I've relocated three times in different places in the United States, when from married to single, had more than 20 surgeries, went through various rehab programs and also suffered organ failure and had an episode of cardiac arrest. The only thing I lost in that time was human contact. Thanks to all my friends busy on Facebook and twitter, I was forced to go it alone. Doing things by yourself allows you to see everything!

I am thankful that I had to go alone. Even though I've gone through all the things that I have these past three years, I was able to build more than what my body was destroyed. Does that make any sense to you? How discouraging is that to see the people that you once loved and trusted disintegrate right in front of your eyes? In this era of information and data, it is hard for me to watch my generation become stagnant and irrelevant when they don't have to become this.

At one point in our history as a people, we had to ask for permission to do anything and everything. As a child of that movement it staggers me to know that in me making the moves that I have to make in order to move forward that I have to leave almost my entire generation behind.

It's time for me to move on, move forward. What I do next will be perplexing to some and possibly empowering to others, I don't know.

I don't even know if I'm willing to share that with you, dear reader because for most of you, you have the instant inkling to want to tear me down.

Some of you will probably hate me. Not because you actually hate me, but because no one likes the feeling of being left alone and left behind. But in doing what I need to do for myself, leaving this place will probably be the best thing I can possibly do with the limited time that I have left on this earth to be productive.

Tradition be damned.

Just Buy The Damn Ticket Already!!!

So I eff around and test out of my classes, seeing as I couldn't withdraw that late in the program/semester for medical reasons and I end up scoring a 76, 79 and an 87 om three of the final exams and passed the two certification exams I planned on pushing back to February.

I'm have a job manifesto to email and take my final final later on tonight. I'll probably pass that one too. Not bad for a cat that only attended a half a semester.

But get this:

I can add the titles  (Cisco) CCNA Security as well as CEH (Certified Ethical Hacker) to the end of my name along with a few other accomplishments.

That leads to the next thing:

A job offer in Nassau

And nope, not New York state either. There is a Information Security Associate/Engineer position at a financial firm (banking systems infrastructure) in the gawd damn Bahamas...

*crickets*

Yeah, and a 2 bedroom/2 bath condo is around $386k in that market too. That's a 4 bedroom house here in Chicago. And no, the Bahamas ain't calling me like that... Common sense is.

It'd be my luck to go over there to interview and it to get got by another candidate that's been in the workforce for a minute and not rehabbing surgeries and going to school for the last few years.

I'm not coming down on myself.

Shit, I'm trying to start over, What happens if I take the interview, get over there and actually LIKE shit? I know that I must cut ties with damn near everybody, but damn, so soon? No goodbye sex?

And why are condos so damn much over there?

I Stand Alone

I am thoroughly and utterly disappointed in everyone I know. As I lay in a hospital rehab facility this past month recovering from 2 surgical procedures where in the first I expired and had to be defibrulated to be brought back to this realm and in the second I lost the usage and finction of my left eye, it occured to me that no one really gives a fuck.

Where were my so-called family and friends during my time of need, my struggle? Nowhere to be found. Not even a phone call to check in on my stankin ass or even someone to be in the waiting area with the families of other people with life-threatening and altering injuries and episodes... No one to sogn me out of the hospital, no one to help me through 28 days of vestibular and occupational rehab...

Janaye called... And Stephanie did her usual Good Nurse thang.

And then I found out that even though I had indicated on facebook my whereabouts and actions like I promised I'd do when this all started. folk kept up mess about me not facebooking them back and such.

So I checked and found that people I once called friend were so self absorbed in their own self-inflicted bullshit...

Regurgitating lies that sound somewhat like religion

Quoting self-help gurus and spiritual leaders, not once invoking any of that shit into their own lives

Bitching and complaining about their first world problems like their demise was near...

Broke, unhappy and playing up their shortcomings as if that shit outranks someone else"s...

All of that talent, education and so-called common sense...

I even spoke to a chosen few after I got home from rehab last week...

My friendship and kinship with these people is pointless. I never thought that the people I chose to spend time with and have influence me and folk I call friend were so self-destructive, selfish, lazy and gullible to the ways of society (the Matrix) that the choose to be unsuccessful and unhappy. I tried in vain to get at a few of them, but in the end, I can't fuck with these people anymore. The zeal for life and the overstanding that life is both fleeting and precious is llost upon them. They'd rather choose to live in the past, aren't open to change and wear pain like a sporty new outfit and hide from living life because they are too busy being cowards.

And then I was listening to The Robert Glasper Project and it was explained to me in vivid detail by Common and Michael Eric Dyson...

And I now understand.




"The irresistible appeal of Black individuality - where has all of that gone?

The very people who blazed our path to self-expression and pioneered a resolutely distinct and individual voice have too often succumbed to mind-numbing sameness and been seduced by simply repeating what we hear, what somebody else said or thought and not digging deep to learn what we think or what we feel, or what we believe

Now it is true that the genius of African culture is surely its repetition, but the key to such repetition was that new elements were added each go-round. Every round goes higher and higher. Something fresh popped off the page or jumped from a rhythm that had been recycled through the imagination of a writer or a musician. Each new installation bore the imprint of our unquenchable thirst to say something of our own, in our own way, in our own voice as best we could. The trends of the times be damned

Thank God we've still got musicians and thinkers whose obsession with excellence and whose hunger for greatness remind us that we should all be unsatisfied with mimicking the popular, rather than mining the fertile veins of creativity that God placed deep inside each of us"



Dr Michael Eric Dyson - I Stand Alone


My Daddy used to always tell me: "Niggers know the prices of EVERYTHING, yet know the value of NOTHING"

and

"You get what you pay for"

Fuck em... Time to wipe the slate clean and go shopping. I'll be god-dammed if you weren't there for me during my struggle that I'm sending you an invite to my triumph party to celebrate. Fuck you! Can't make you a priority when I was never a option in the first damned place.

Underground Movement - Gun Control

Get Fixed Or Die Trying

Yo, I'm slipping.

I'm at a place physically where my body can't tanke another surgery. I've had 20 of em in the last year and a half. I am more than tired. I'm mentally exhausted when it comes to dragging my ass to medical facilities.

My medical team told me a few weeks ago to do no more. I was advised that there isn't much more they can do surgically (within reason) to get me beyond the point of where I am right now, and that actually disappointed me.

I am not in denial, but I absolutely, positively cannot be left like this.

As an engineering major, I have been trained and taught that there is more to everything than just to leave well enough alone. I know that there are advances in technology that can give me the sight I desire and leave me with the motor skills to function as a normal human being beyond all of the medical treatments.

My chief surgeon begs to differ.

I fired him last week.

I volunteered myself for some experimental, futuristic, George Jetson, crazy-type brain surgical shit that could possibly leave me vegetative or worse if things go wrong.

I feel like I owe it to myself to do everything I can in my power to fix what's broken so I can have a better quality of life. If I were not as educated in the process I would agree with my old medical team that my body could no longer stand surgical repair and I would accept being disabled and with handcuffed ability.


I ain't going out like that, son.

An Open Letter To The Ones Closest To Me

I've always gotten what I wanted by simply going out and getting it.

When I realized that being a black man meant nothing in determining my fate, I was able to make obtaining what I wanted easier. Coming up poor and barely getting by as a kid no longer affects me as an adult. Having communications issues with my parents and siblings also no longer matters.

You see, there is nothing to blame anything on. There never was.

You may argue with me, but having a handicap or being of a certain racial makeup or being limited to opportunities based on class or the like I believe are just excuses for the weak.

Now, not all of us can transcend. Some of us aren't able to let go of the mental and so-called spiritual constraints. I tell you that this is cultural conditioning. You have to be able to see beyond it, and  for some of us, being poor, or having a disease or feeling like they are constantly being held back because of class, genetics, sex or race is muffling enough...

Enough that you will never see past your current situation. That saddens me because I see so much greatness in all of you. To know that most of you will live and die unfulfilled makes me feel for you, but that doesn't make me want to stop my thing because I too must strive for happiness and fulfillment in life, and some people must get left behind.

It's up to you to want to catch up.

Some of you have tried different methods... Some of you have learned pseudo-spirituality from your parents and grand parents and for the sake of tradition have practiced it... Placing hope in the mysteries of the teaching of a messianic figure that just hasn't given you anything, yet you refuse to move from it, even though it has done you no good.

There has always been more to the spirit than simple religion, but in order to not offend and having total lack of understanding (or not dedicating the time) and sheer ignorance, you stay away.

It's like putting your money in a mattress - You will have no return on your investment. No interest earned. And you only did that because a grandma or an uncle never trusted the banking system for his or her own reason and put their money there. What good does that do you?

The same applies with love and relationships. There is more than one path to success. Same with diet and exercise. The same with work and your social life... You do the obvious and nothing else... You've maintained the status quo and now you wonder why you're not satisfied with where you are.

And most of you are my peers, so that means you are an adult possibly with grown children and even grandchildren. You have nothing to prove to anyone, but are still mired in fear and uncertainty.

How am I supposed to build with you?

And no, I'm not talking about the acquisition of things. You can't take any of that shit with you.

The fake hair, nails, makeup, shoes, clothes, cars, debt, pseudo-education, acquisition of pedigrees and pseudo self-righteousness as well that the relentless pursuit of money, status, political capital and the front-row seat at the temple with the zealots and the ones bearing false witness are the reasons you push me even further away from you.

It amazes me how some of y'all keep yourself so busy with bullshit that the time to get to connect was never really considered. I'd hate to make you late for work. No one is perfect, I am as flawed as they come, but...

Considering that most of you have probably lived longer than what you have left, don't you want to do things and be places that make you and those around you happy?

Or are you going to die and leave this earth looking, feeling and existing like that?

Progress Measured At Arms Distance

It doesn't hurt anymore.

I don't think it was ever painful than it was damned difficult to get through. When people suffer, it is hard to muddle through. I don't know about you, but death and disease, gain and loss are expected. It's how you acknowledge, accept, deal with... You know, the process and how one moves forward with whatever was gained from the relationship is what matters most.

To say that one is not prepared to move after even mere minutes in relation to a person, job, marriage or friendship is not to be laid on the person or thing that passes or goes away, but on the person blessed with the presence of such graces.

You should always be ready. No one is promised tomorrow.

I realize now that in my error, I have surrounded myself with folk that don't take anything seriously. There are friends that don't believe in themselves, family that cherish nothing and confidants that refuse to realize that this is as real as it gets and to cherish it and see the value is the best way to focus on the larger picture.

My inner circle is weak, full of doubt and lacks confidence. Matter of fact, I truly believe that these people that I have tried to depend on (which I cannot) for various things don't actually like themselves.

I have always believed in myself.

I'm about to embark on things that folk in my inner circle think they're personally needed in order for me to do. I guess it will break their hearts and piss them off something terrible when they see that it doesn't take them to provide a crutch of fear and doubt for me to do what I want even in the shadow of lost senses.

I may be legally blind, but I can still think, believe, crawl. walk and run...

I refuse to live in someone else's cloud of fear and doubt because they're afraid to do or because they seem to be stuck in an odd emotional rut. Our ancestors, family and friends have given us the ultimate in the most fascinating clues on this road map. It is up to us to use the gifts we were born with to achieve happiness.

Look, I have to separate myself from a lot of y'all because... Well shit. If this applies to you and you've already been shut out then you already know...


It's not me, it's you.

A Road Seldon Traveled By The Multitude

All of you pseudo-activists with these fake-ass social media pulpits can't hold a candle to our parents, grandparents, even our older cousins (see: 4/29/92)

Y'all ain't gonna do nothing.

- It's not where your money goes or doesn't go - you're too busy acquiring stuff 
- It ain't what you pay attention to because you're too distracted watching TV and unnecessarily downloading junk
- They doubled your student loan interest and took away your protected right to vote
- They brought back state's rights (James Crow Eaq.) and defunded public schools and free health clinics
- Conviction rates are unjust and racism and non-justice is very much alive and well in America

Y'all ain't do anything about that... 50 years after the March on Washington 

You are too overweight, too sick, too distracted, too broke, too high and too caught up in other people's business to even want to do anything. Enjoy these closing arguments today in yet where another black life is marginalized, undervalued and underestimated

Y'all ain't gonna do anything.

Not Dead Yet...

I am slowly learning to adapt to life without certain things that should come standard in one's birth package with limited suffering.

That's the whole thing, living without suffering. If it comes to it, I would rather die.

There have been rays of light.

I started attending classes at the Chicago Lighthouse For The Blind and have learned to pass myself off as not having a sight impairment. I don't go many places but to there and the Science Building of a city college I enrolled in last fall to recertify my expired Cisco certifications. That turned into a job and it is needed because I spend most of my time horribly alone.

I don't hold onto hope anymore. I just keep busy. With all of the other medical issues I have going on, if I can keep a schedule about myself, I won't realize that I'm probably wilting away.

The cool thing about being sick and nearly dead is that no one requires an opinion from you.

I am no longer caught up in that worldly shit of politics, high crimes, misdemeanors and fashion. That eliminates some of the suffering.

I just wish I didn't have to do it alone.

Make It Stop!!!

It's funny... I was just speaking with my friend Whitney this morning about finding an assisted-suicide doctor as to eliminate myself from the suffering.

No, I'm not emtionally in dispair, I just know that I am not as strong as Roger Ebert was. He publicly and somewhat cheerfully blogged about his illness and subsequent surgeries and treatment and still had a zest for life.

Publicly.

If his cancer battle is anything like my battle to live a somewhat 'normal' life with blindness and organ failure, then I admire his strength in suffering through it. I know that his wife Chaz was right there every step of the way and maybe that;s the key. This is something I do not have.

Doing this without either a safety net or a support system is suffering in itself.

No one should be made to suffer.

Absolutely no one should be made to suffer alone. At least with a tormentor, one has something to bounce pain, happiness (as twisted as it sounds) and emotion off of. I think about peaceful ways to go every day but just don't have the strength to make it happen by myself without it being very violent and making a mess.

The one friend I do have won't help me and Kervorkian is dead.

Well, I haven't checked Craigslist yet.

People And How They Suck

If you walked ten feet in my shoes, you would know how much of a horrible existence my life actually is. Yet, I still get up, get out and do more things before 9am than most people do all day with pleasure.

And without a seeing eye cane.


I am having trouble adapting. I am having serious, life threatening problems adjusting to this life, but I do. I have no earthly idea as to why, but I do. And I don't complain about it. matter of fact, there is no one to complain about it to. All of the weak-minded, weak-willed cowards that called themselves friend and family disappeared last year.

I take pride in knowing that I need none of them.

It is a bitch eating alone and not having companionship, but my mind and abilities counter with the fact that I never needed a crutch, and I like the fact that I don't have to answer silly questions and explain shit to make someone else feel comfortable and guilt free.

I don't get that shit at all.

I would tell y'all what I now do with my time now that all of the surgeries are over, but no. I'd rather keep some things to myself. I have learned not to reveal my innermost feelings and desires because unless you've been struck blind...

Wait.


People shat on me when I was sighted and had all of my faculties, they are no different now. What people do do is place upon you all of their fears and limitations and tell you what you can't do, then get all holy ghost surprised when you successfully blow your nose or wipe your ass.

Yes, someone actually asked and followed me to the bathroom last year to see if blind people actually knew where to put toilet paper after one defecates.

I shit you not.

I do have a series of surgeries scheduled for June, but know that right now I'm back on my grind, prepping for state board and re-certification exams so I can re-enter the land of the wage slave.


And me being blind ain't got a damn thing to do with nothing.


It seems that most of you folks are my true obstacle.

"I don't believe that there is a situation in life that would not benefit from people being more intelligent. Yet, I see people avoid using their brains like it is some dangerous exercise that will result in injury. Or they only use if for work. Or they let life/love/somedumbasssituationfromthepast punk them into thinking that they'd be safer just going along to get along (i.e. ignorance is bliss). Or they think that prayer/dogma/routine absolves them from thinking. Thinkers make the most money, have the best sex, eat the best food, and are least likely to be screwed over; so why, for fuck's sake, wouldn't EVERYBODY want that for themselves? "

My brother Lorenzo Gayden from Tha Sip' recently said that.


I can't agree with you more Bruh...

I Am

Definitely not that dude anymore...

The Beginning Of The End

I feel destructive today.


So I got out and ran on the lakefront path. That shit didn't help.


I went out and bought a sledgehammer with a 10 pound head a few months ago, I had plans on purchasing a used tire so I can beat that motherfucker to death and get some upper body strength training in as well as cardio.


I never bought the tire. I have nowhere to put it.


I got into a fight with some cat that lives in my building back on New Years Eve, and that was the last time I touched the thing. I wanted to go grab it and bash his skull in, but I knew he wouldn't wait for me... Plus I calmed down after building security pulled me off of his ass.


I gotta destroy something.


 I pulled my firearm out of storage back in January... I have no intent to use that thing. I will set up a range session when the weather warms up and I feel comfortable enough in my vision to want to go shoot. I have to qualify with my weapon in 2013 anyway... Nah, I don't wanna shoot anything. I feel more the need to use my hands. I'm a more physical cat.


I got a guy... My man B. Carter, whom I worked with at a postal plant back in the day who trained at this suburban, secluded bare knuckles MMA place. He invited me to a fighting exhibition one weekend where I was amazed and enthralled in the pure heart and rigidity of human men who chose to fight. 


The flesh-ripping viciousness and pure heart of men who looked as if they could never hold their fists properly to ever engage in fisticuffs is what took me. 


I saw big, muscular dudes get bent over and spill blood by smaller ones, and lean-bodied cats with relentless viciousness that made me fear their mere presence after watching them keep going even when eyelids were torn and bashed cheekbones swelled their eyes shut.


I've been wanting to do that ever since I witnessed it.


That's what I wanna do. 


I believe if I channel my hatred and angst into pounding my fists into the raw, warm flesh of another living, breathing human being will quiet the voices that call me to want to destroy things in other ways. I feel as if I'm running out of options. Lord, let this be it!


I'm getting older, and I've opened myself so many times over the years that the pain of being lied to, lied upon and emotional betrayal has manifested itself into me wanting to exercising those demons into a physical act. It's a thirst now and not just an urge.


After all of the physicality I've been through in my lifetime, I know if I train too hard or take another good, strategic blow to the head... 


I feel like that may be a rather glorious way of going out.


I've been pushed to my mental, spiritual and emotional limit. I gotta find a way to exercise these demons before I end up crispy-burnt up in a cabin somewhere in Big Bear by the hands of some random law enforcement agency.


Does my admittance of this make me a psychopath?

The Audacity Of The Villain When Hope Is Lost

I lost hope in people a long time ago.


It's time for me to tell everyone that I can never trust them. Maybe I'm the sucker though, because I keep opening myself up to people who are tit for tat, willfully negligent and petty. so bent on self encapsulation because someone else hurt them, that they hurt themselves and you in the process.


I am done with people.


I noticed that I put my shit on the line for other people just to get burned in the process a long time ago, but there is always something that makes me keep opening and extending myself. Not any more. Muthafuckers have used me for the last time.


Everyone feels now as if they're the enemy.


I feel as if I wish death and destruction on people and then act upon those that have used me emotionally and sucked up all of my generosity and spirit that I'd get further in life.


I totally feel what Chris Dorner wrote in his manifesto. Whereas I can't agree with killing folk... People should definitely pay for the toll they impose of others.


I think that's what I should do from now on, be the villain.


Every villain has this beautiful story of a wonderful life lived from the start and then there is an incident of such a devastating, spirit-breaking personal nature that turns them to the point where death is the only remedy to keep them from affecting others in a most horrible nature.


I feel my villainous turn coming.

Not Bad Meaning Bad, But Bad Meaning Good... I Think

I know that I'll never return to normal

But I'd like to try and do all things within my power and limitations to obtain as much normal as I can stand before my days are done.

I had a very good weekend.

Let me say that again that I had a damn good weekend. First time in a long time I felt that good and that comfortable with and around others.

It wasn't good because I hung out all hours of the night smiling, cheesing hard and laughing, lost in conversations about issues that mattered and stuff that didn't on one day...

It wasn't because the next night I was again hanging ten, breaking bread with people of like mind and similar passion, chatting the night away to the point where I never noticed any of Ray Lewis' seven tackles and one sack...

Nothing mattered about anything this weekend, and that made it fascinatingly good. I spent a weekend doing normal stuff, well normal in my mind. All of this was based off of a chance encounter, scant conversation and a keen eye for pegging my ass, one person made absolutely sure that the weekend for me would be one of comfort and enjoyment specifically without me being treating me like I belonged on the little yellow bus or in a medical isolation unit.

And she didn't want anything or demand high praise, recognition or a validated, notarized receipt of her doings from me in return.

That in itself put an extra special touch to my weekend because I learned from recent experiences not to open up to or trust anyone. I can never open myself to trust any one ever again. My life is too precious and short for me to let folk think that the things that they do doesn't affect me.

People are so self encapsulated, mired in their own steaming pile of emotional shit and fuckery that when someone like me cones around all socially open and naturally trusting, they end up continuously rejecting the love and trust that they hear songs about, read and write poetry about... The things that makes then veklempt viewing a romantic movie... They begin to callous and harden the very people or persons trying to get them to open by bringing them love.

And that causes hate and disdain.

I'm not going to lie. From what I've had to go through the last couple of years, the hate, contempt and disdain has built to the point where I can no longer be the socially open person with measures of trust in my heart and tons of patience. Just when I think it has run out and me being used up and discarded by folk that have no clue their cosmic footprint and I want to destroy the world...


Someone comes along and shows me different.

But I can no longer trust any fucking body. What do I do?

I almost feel sorry for this young woman. She has so much promise. She has no idea that I've broken myself in efforts to try to mend things with already broken people.


The future  has not been promised. I want to obtain normality again. If I can't obtain it, I want to get close... As close as I can. I really enjoyed my weekend. I want more, but I know eventually, a demand will be placed upon me not very different from the others. The others have selfishly raided me of all of my compassion and trust by serving themselves and demanding that I hold their baggage with no reciprocation of what I gave.

What makes the weekend with this person whom I felt comfort with (like the others initially) any exception?


And yes... I know this is a fucked up spin. Hanging out with and emotionally fronting for fucked up motherfuckers will fuck you up in return.

Dope Encounters Of A Focused Mind

It's been a difficult month and a week since I last did this...

As of this post, I've been actively blogging for ten years. I don't feel any significance behind it, so don't congratulate me. There have been gaps and times where I should have written something, but times sure have changed since I started doing this cathartic act, trust me. I don't apologize for the blank spaces. Think of all the times I've been absent from my own thing as times I was either too tired to act or moments where I should have been doing something else and no lesson was learned.

It's a different process for me these days. I've barely settled into my legal blindness and now I permanently exist in the realm of uncomfortable... I use speech-to-text software to do this here thing, and while one would think it would be easier to just say shit into the mic and then review it before hitting the send button, I've found it difficult in just saying anything and pass it off as a 'Hassan-ism', so fuck that.

I don't know how and where I get the motivation and energy to do whatever it is I do, but I do them. I don't have much to live for, everyone in my life are these scared, fearful people who don't know their value or purpose in their own. They stumble through life with no real direction or clear focus and look to me for leadership and validation in these aspects. This saddens me because one: I can't give that to them (they must define it themselves) and two: I never got the chance before, during and after the sixteen procedures performed on me in 2012 to (rebuild my eyeballs/save and stabilize my sight) to rest and recover. I am physically and spiritually drained because those people continue to relentlessly drink up all of my life's emotional Kool-Aid, never wanting (or even volunteering) to refill the pitcher. I now have mere drops of which I have left to quench my own shit.

Everyone else stays away form my stankin' ass. I'm thankful for that! Few know that I have necrosis of the kidneys and that my days are numbered. Only one person (and now you too, Dear Reader) knows that I gave up medical treatment and am now (successfully I might add) using the Gerson Method to ride out whatever I have left in this adventure called life on my own two feet; on my own terms.

Or at least that's what I hope. One never thinks of falling into a coma or being bedridden until the end, not being able to do a damn thing about how they go to glory  I say to hell with that notion! Try to have control over how you go by being in enough of a condition to control when you go by doing right by yourself in the now.

I truly believe that there is a way to go correctly, and that is to come correct. Ending one's ways of bullshitting self will do wonders for you. I stopped bullshitting myself a couple of years ago in thinking that I was going to live this charmed life of marriage and family, and that I would have my health and would would have my family around my deathbed, holding my wife's hand as I give my final words to my then-grown children in the true meaning of life,,,

Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit!!!

Gone are the days where I have this arrogance in thinking that I have time. I can no longer procrastinate. Never had it in the first damn place! I never thought that I have my youth ahead of me because those option really never existed for me. Ever. They don't exist for you as well, but what can I tell you?

Most of y'all think that you can just wait things out until the storm clears. Some of you even have the mitigated gall to believe that some mystical, magic being will eventually (if you talk to him/her long and hard enough in your head) will do it all for you where you never have to put in any real work or physical effort. So you wait. And do nothing. And have no plans. Well they exist in your head, and that's about it. You never act on them. And you grow old in your waiting. And you never do.

I can't wait for your stankin' ass because I don't have that much time.

I'm already spending it doing things that matter with those that value what they have, the few that are. I am now busy doing bucket list type shit, enjoying every second confident about when I eventually die, my last moments spent will be me going "WHEW!" rather than lamenting on the fact that I did not live during my lifetime.

Fuck your job.

Fuck your car payments.

Fuck the bowling league.

And fuck your couch!!!

The PTA is cool - Go see your kids in that God-awful stage play or soccer match and cheer loudly.

Other than that my friends, you can catch me when you catch me. I'll be around, but I'll have my hands full doing stuff.

You know, shit that matters. I'm experiencing such dope encounters... My thang is focused. I still function pretty damn well for what I am. Might as well use it in doing than losing it in not even trying. 

And it doesn't have to matter to you. I'd hate to make you late for work tomorrow,

Irony

The irony.

Found out with certainty what is wrong with me.

All I can focus on at this point is 'quality of life'.

Simple enough, right? Play out the rest of the string in comfort.

Okay.

Someone asked me earlier today: " So you feel like you can't achieve your goals anymore?"  I laughed and replied: "You're funny."

My answer to that was: "I just want to die with dignity."

Okay then. I have one more goal to accomplish. Doesn't seem that hard, huh?

I guess we'll all get a front row seat then, soon enough.

Not quite the way I wanted to make that kind of announcement, but... Eh.

And for the curious and those rooting it on with vigor... Not yet. It ain't happening THAT damn soon. You'll get your moment to dance, spit or piss soon enough.

The irony in that alone is priceless.

Sunrise And Sunsets: Finale 2012 - Sabbatical

I certainly don't want this to be my last blog post, but I'm certain if nothing changes this week, it will be my last for 2012 at least.

What's special about this week is the same thing that has been of vast importance seven other times this year. It's surgery time! Never routine, never the same... This procedure will have a lens removal and implant in my right eye, election day saw a simpler, quicker albeit the same surgery on the left.

For some strange reason, this one is much different in the amount of drugs as well as the seriousness that has been placed on my other medical conditions. Whereas my first eye surgery to re-attach my retina in the left eye in March, I went in drug free, but heavily sedated, my most recent (number seven in total but number four on the left) I was heavily drugged and had to go thru the wretched thing with no anesthesia.

Don't ever have a surgical procedure without anesthesia.

I am not brave. I an not strong. I do not need to be congratulated for being a trooper. I am not built for this kind of pain and suffering. I have not miraculously recieved all of my vision back even with all of the procedures. I will not be able to articulate to you how dark, life threatening scary, mortality recognizing and life changingly bleak and painful this process really is.

I wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemy. I only do this because 'they' said that it would help. I have not registered a single complaint but for the blood curdling cries I let out at home various times throughout the day in what seems to be slow cooked torture.

I haven't worked since the summer of 2011. Things haven't been pain free and normal since January 8th of last year. That was almost two years ago. I haven't had control of my life since I slipped, and as I fell I saw my feet and legs in front of me and landed my then 240 pound frame on the back of my head in a thud-crunch flash of the whitest light on an auto dealership show room floor.

It's been kind of dark ever since.

I realize now as I write this that I have never cried about it. Never thought long and hard about the after effects. Never stopped during rehab and litigation to think about where I would be now. I had no idea I would be blind... A disabled vet living alone, handling all of this alone. Not on December 10th, less than 3 weeks away from being two years removed.

I'm still very numb about things.

I hate the fact that surgery number eight, the one that will put me over one million dollars in total medical costs spent will be the most dangerous one.

I hate that I'm responsible for ten percent of that.

I hate that although I can talk as the software types, I will never be fully able to explain to you exactly how this feels.

I hate that I've lost a bit of equilibrium, direction and may have lost the ability to drive. As a former over the road trucker, I've seen some wonderful things.

I hate this feeling of trepidation and woeful anticipation before surgery.

I still cannot explain to you how I make it to the hospital. My SisterFriend Ann took me there on my last procedure. The other six times I had no one and had to get myself to the OR and back home post op. I cannot explain to you how I did that.

Reggie took me for my first set of eye injections.
Donna picked me up from an intense laser session had on both eyes.

I cannot tell you how I made it to and from the other injection sessions and the subsequent laser sessions.

I don't have the courage nor the stregnth to do this again... Or to keep doing this.

But I want the ability to see...

Remember sunrises and sunsets?

I'm Still Alive... I Think. Is That A Good Thing?

Wait... I haven't blogged since the end of September? Damn... My bad. I'm sure a lot has happened in your lives like mine.

I seem to still be upright and tolerating life well despite what the doctors have informed me, but that doesn't mean that this particular state will last.

Whatever.

I seemed to have mastered the whole expensive-ass, type with your voice program thingee... And still don't have the urge to blog.

Yeah... Uninterested. I am currently engaged in nothing but improving my health, and that seems to take up a lot of my time, even though I have tried to include a scant few of others. That was unsuccessful as well.

I don't have much more to say.