This is even funnier:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Michael Steele Pt. 1 | ||||
See what you'll be missing in the future RNC? Someone who gets it and isn't afraid to go where needed to win hearts, minds and votes, even in the face or ridicule. You can never have either my ear or my vote. Don't worry though... I hate Democrats too. . | ||||
I like Michael Steele. He says funny things.
He puts his foot in his mouth towing the party line, only because he loves the principles. He lives by them. He is a genuine conservative. Its just during the past two years as party chairman, no one in has ever taken him seriously.
Shame. He said some things for the sake of the party that had him ridiculed, ostracized and outcast. Looks like he'll get the last laugh though.
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Michael Steele Pt. 2 | ||||
| ||||
Damn, has it been a month since I've put anything here? Funny how time passes. The operative word here is HOW, not funny.
I had no plans on this being my first post of 2011, in fact I felt I had a lot to contribute. A month ago during the last days of 2010, progressive minded folk were reveling in the triumphs of the so-called 'lame duck' session of congress for getting a bunch of bills passed due to having strength in numbers partywise. Most of us common folk were flat out exhausted and was just glad that we made it to the end of another year. Some counted our money (or the little that we had), while others counted our blessings. Me, I just kept it moving, not knowing that a greater deal of change was waiting for me in the first thirty one days of 2011 that I could ever expect.
On Saturday morning January 8, I slipped and fell, landing (more like crashing) squarely on the back of my head. I remember the fall in as vivid a detail as I can, this memory to stain my mental rolodex to be played over more than other hurtful memories, death or other tragic moment I had been a part of, and there had been a few of those moments randomly rambling around in my 40 year of mind.
I remember the fall, I heard the crashing noise of bone and gristle coming together violently from the back of my head and neck and I remember the pain as well as the incredible flash of light that I saw as I hit the floor. Somehow, two hundred and forty-six pounds upended itself and landed on its smallest point, its most delicate spot and I was in a heap of trouble.
Not only did I black out and lose time, I didn't bleed. I would have been better off if like Bernic Mac used to say I would have 'busted my head open to the white meat' but alas, I did not meaning that all of the damage I was to suffer would be internal. The latter is always worse than the former.
I was taken by ambulance to a great hospital and it took more than a week or so in ICU to get me to the point where I would be released into assisted care. I had suffered a subdural hematoma as a result in my fall causing my motor skills, eyesight, equilibrium, sensitivity to light to be limited and for me to have serious, severe headaches. Even my walking has been compromised. As I sit and compose this right now I am in the dark, holding my head about 4 inches from my computer screen with my right eye and speaking into the mic, utilizing dictation software I bought myself some time ago to help with my writing when I wanted to be lazy. I hadn't used it much in the past, but it has been a Godsend for me now, Facebook, Twitter and such.
Every day since my hospital release, I've been trying all kinds of rehab techniques to get back to normal. I have a neurologist and neurosurgeon that I work closely with as well as rehab techs that are helping me get back as close to normal as possible. I have assistance at home, have access to the passenger seat of my car and have a want for nothing at this moment. With time and continued care, I should be close to the way I was physically and mentally. I wanted folks to know this because one of the things I didn't do in that last week of 2010 was take stock of what I had in blessings and people outside of the sacred circle who care.
For the most part, I know that this is workplace fodder. I am cubicle entertainment for most on most days.
I positioned myself as a man alone late last year because I knew of my health decline due to Chronic kidney Disease and Diabetes a early as late summer. There were folks around me at that time that said that the loved and cared for me but spent more time questioning themselves and their purpose, and that made me suspicious and nervous. I spent most of 2010 in some kind of weird, bad teaching mode, giving more of myself when I should have opened myself to receiving in order to heal. Earlier last year, I closed myself in and had given a lot of my space to try to maintain balance inside of a negative equity position spiritually just to be around some folk.
Bad idea.
Sometimes, you surround yourself with an odd band of yes people, folks that will say or do anything to have a piece of what you have but don't yet know how to do anything in offering even a bit of equitable return. Some folk are still on their path of finding who they want to be and it's damn imperative that A-alikes be alike. I cleaned house and distanced myself from folk that needed me to do for them when I most times I spiritually couldn't even do for myself.
As I did this, it was easier for me turn to the folks that have been by my side in the past couple of weeks. It has been quiet, drama free and I have been able to heal and rehab without distraction. It hurts a little because some people really mean well, but...
I never gave thought to head injuries and the results of actually folks that suffering through this agonizing process, in fact, I had not respect for them.I could have died from this event, but I came out with a few scars, and now the influence of the folk I chose to keep in my inner circle will pay off in their assistance in helping me heal.
How have you spent your first thirty one days in this new year?
I thought I had the capacity to blog with regularity, and then...
I didn't.
Same stuff, too much to do and not enough time. I thought I would type something here, not because it's the last day of the year, it's just that I wanted to express something. I still don't know what that something is. Yet.
Looking back at the past 12 months, I can say that for the most part I put my head down and worked on relocating by building up some moolah, which I did. That's it. Nothing else of major interest has come up. The fact that I got sick and shortened my lifespan wasn't really that major. It's just a reflection of poor habits.
I go off and on with my vegetarianism, and I like alcohol. Lots of it. So I get what I deserve. No problem with that.
I got a phone call from my older brother yesterday. Out. Of. The. Blue. Didn't even know he had my number. Neither did he.
"Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated... For now."
This is my airing of grievances, according to the guidelines of Festivus.
Look that up. My brother hipped me onto it during Sienfeld's run. The simplicity and odd-ball-ness had me intrigued after watching the Festivus episode. It's not that I never paid attention to Sienfeld before the finale (and subsequent reruns), it's just that I am probably the only Spiritually Grounded Atheist/Agnostic Sci-Fi Supporting Skeptic you'll ever know. Festivus gives me something to play ritual to, just like everyone else.
Odd that I have no other grievances to air, especially in this politically charged economic downturn of a climate.
Where in the hell have I been? Working. Plotting. Managing my time.
A couple of months ago, I found out that I need extensive work done under the hood, but because I'm not an automobile, some of that basic routine stuff that needs to be done will cause me to slow to a stop earlier than most. So I decided to manage my time a bit better and that meant limited blogging, working longer hours during the warmer months so I could have the opportunity to do a few things before I'm physically unable to do that stuff during the cooler ones.
And plus, I don't have that much to say these days. It is kind of cool to watch how things play out.
I think I want to use blogging at this point as more of a journaling tool as to what happens to me. I know, I know it seems like I'm talking in code but come back more often. I promise I will be more direct. I think I need y'all to see how things play out for me. I've always wanted to explore the concept of ars moriendi from a distance but...
I pray for the right amount of time, healing and understanding of my method of madness to take place so I can get a chance to do a lot of the stuff I promised myself and others that I'd do.
So I'm switching up the blog a bit. More observational stuff as it pertains to life processes and less ranting and complaining about stuff that doesn't reach so far down the rabbit hole to affect me.
I do promise to keep this place very disjointed and kind of weird in the upcoming days/weeks/months. Until then, there are always things like Festivus that I can get into and actively participate with limited energy. I still respect your faith, traditions and all that you do in this shared festival season, but...
I gotta erect my Festivus Pole!
Tomorrow: The Feats Of Strength!!!
You get lost in other people's misery and confusion...
You find a way out. Even when they hold you down in it.
You just grab some of your shit, get up and go.
This is the point when you're at your lowest.
It ends up being the best time to start over, but our training
gives us that blanket of fear that prevents us from ever
applying for a passport.
If you don't break out now, you'll never know.
You'll end up the pushover victim of every one's unrealistic
expectations of you.
They'll even make you think that something is wrong with you...
Just to get from you what they want.
And that is some sick, lonely shit.
And selfish.
And uncaring.
So just go.
They won't really miss you because they never really wanted the you that you know.
It's only you.
But you love you...
Right?
Then its nothing for you to love yourself enough
To get the fuck up and just get into the wind.
Let it blow you away.
Go.
Get lost in yourself.
Eventually you will figure it out
That the misery and suffering had been brought on by you refusing to go.
2010 HassanOlumorotiNtimbanjayo
I can't believe that its been more than a month since I've posted something on my blog.
To be honest about it, I haven't abandoned BWB, its just that... I've been busy. Unfortunately, I haven't been busy doing anything that I want to do. And that sucks ass. If anyone that reads me now that read me back in the day, then you know how I feel about participating in the matrix that we call the rat race. It is not for people such as myself, even though I benefit from certain aspects of it. Like owning web sites that make me a couple of bucks...
Never mind.
I'm not mad or angry or depressed. Some of you have asked me via email and offline and I haven't responded. On purpose. No need to respond. Nothing doing over here. I subscribe to what many o' grandmothers have told many of us a many of times: If you have nothing good to say, then say nothing at all.
I'm exercising that right. Hard for a blogger to do but...
I'm still wondering why it irks the fuck out of some of y'all, me not saying anything. When I was complaining about the socio-political landscape, I got a lot of grief (and rightfully so, we're all entitled to our opinion), when I gave my sideways commentary on the state of 'us', there were journalists (both real and blogger - there is a difference) that contacted me to go on record about current happenings... Nope, not going to do it. That's what the blog is for.
It's just seems that when I hollered about something, folk tried to shut me down and now... Oh boy tomorrow! A bunch of folk that have EVERYTHING, pissed that they must serve under this mysterious, secretive plotting black dude and his minions (even though we already have for 2 years now and I still haven't seen the stormtroopers hit the streets) will attempt to change the political landscape without one poly-sci class under their belt.
You can run for whatever office you want, this is a free nation BUT... Read a book and study about shit first. We all have realized through life experiences that when we make emotional decisions...
Fuck you! Don't tread on ME!!!
Tune in to any network tomorrow, you'll see what I mean. And I hope you vote. Bullshit needs an equalizer.
Anyhoo, the last few weeks have been a blur. It's hard to be engaged when you're not sleeping, running back and forth to hospitals and trying to relocate as well as care for things you still have working in your current location in attempts to move and pay it forward. Mostly, I've just been nodding my head (even if I don't agree), gathering info and dealing with a myriad of unrealistic demands placed on me. I've learned to prioritize though. That seems to be working.
It's still hard though, observing people who have shit complain about how they can't function within the shit they have. And it's not like they don't realize that they have a ton of shit! They just want others to ignore their own personal shit to deal with the shit they have because somehow, their shit is more important.
And that's a bunch of bullshit.
We live in a very lazy nation where most wealth (heal, wealth and knowledge of self) is inherited. We also live in a place where people from other places are very eager to do what we don't want to do. We're also still a very privileged nation. I guess our SUVs, big TVs and Playstation-Wiis take priority over who we be.
Protest requires walking. That means you don't spend $3 a gallon of gas to get to the town square.
Whatever, man.
Most people are ridiculous in how they spoil themselves and turn around and complain when you spoil yourself (even if you're not)... Because at that moment, you ain't paying attention to them.
Same shit, different day with not room for self improvement.
I just try to live outside of all of that bullshit. That mostly makes me silent.
The worst thing you can ever do is get lost in doing for others when you've done nothing for yourself.
-Hassan Ntimbanjayo
Just as I thought.
A whole lot of talk and no one said anything.
Understand that no one had to say anything to for for me. Religion is the tool used to divide and place fear within the masses. People that look like me have been practicing traditions that aren't native of us. I believe that this is the reason we are so damn destructive towards each other.
I just had hope that certain folk would have the courage to open the door. Obviously, the doors of the church are not open, Neither are their minds or hearts.
You see, because we need to be accepted and validated by folk that look like us as well as those that don't, black folk will continue to go to church, unchallenged and uninspired, blindly following whatever charismatic leader has their heart via their ears. In modern society (just like over history), the messenger gets all of the attention, the message fades away...
Meaning for all of those folk that go to church will never have that conversation. Certain folk will be now seen as the enemy and those that side with them will be buried under mounds of litigation and hearsay, lies and the non speaking of truths.
And folks like me have to live among this foolishness. It's starting to get harder and harder to claim some of y'all.
This is going to be better than pay per view, this fight. Sad, but exciting.
If tomorrow comes with an announcement and some truths are shared, it would be a great moment that will spur greater moments that will bridge gaps, heal wounds and improve communication not just in the sanctuary, but at dinner tables and water coolers everywhere.
Y'all know what the hell I'm talking about.
I used to go to church. I felt as if I was driven out of church because I never fit the 'mold'.
I'm very happy that this month finally got here.
August will forever haunt my ass like I've permanently desecrated an gravesite by building a house on it after pissing on headstones.
It has been a difficult year after losing a dear friend. Staring my own mortality in the face after watching a peer pass on is not something I was expecting for another twenty years or so.
I've grown to hate certain people/places/situations during this time. I've also learned to love myself more.
It's hard to not have the urge to extinguish the things that want to hurt me. I really want to lash out and do something but I know that jail isn't quite the right thing for me at this time, and who am I to be judge and jury and regulate what lives or dies?
So I manage. I've documented here in this forum how I've done so, even if my last post was August 6th.
Other than that, I go to work, put in long hours, come home, stare at the ceiling at night because I no longer sleep overnight, get up and do it all over. Today is my off day and guess where I'll be? At work suppressing my thoughts to lash out and finding ways to continue to respect other's lives by not bringing harm to their asses.
I'm not watching much TV these days but I know what's going on. Fucking idiots have a Mormon leading their Jesus following asses, telling to bypass the Christ Messiah and... Never mind. My unit was one of the first to go into Iraq and people are pressing the Prez to thank Jr the Warmonger for the trillion spent and the damn near five thousand that have died over a friggin' lie. From gaming the oil for food program to accessing yellow cake uranium to actually having WMDs... Bold face fucking lies.
And like you're going to do all of them jobs that a certain folk have no problem doing by sending them away? When the grass gets tall, hotel beds never get new bedding, the food on the menu never gets served and the diapers don't get changed... Stupid.
And my brothers, sisters and cousins still can't get off or our asses. We are a bunch of dumb asses. Even I know when the time to strike is.
I hope September brings the change not only in season, but a change in my mentality and outlook on things. I am so ready to shoot this horse before misery brings more people to my house.
You know what's funny? When you become the sheer hindarance to your own progression.
I am fine. I am enjoying myself and life as well. Don't let that last post motivate you to be concerned over lil old me OR start finger wagging. I have yet to have regret about any decision I've made.
Another thing... I have always told you the truth. Now I may not have always told you the indepth story bout thangs, but I have yet to lie to you, the dear reader.
So when my wife just blurted out that I 'told the world that I was an alcoholic' I had to correct her. First, I've covered my love affair with liquor many times here on this forum. So to quote myself, I specified that I was STILL an alcoholic.
Still.
That's not a lie.
I'm not judging. I also don't see the concern from the recent or distant past form anyone as well. Either you're with me or against me here, I don't plan on judging folks or giving the side eye on what they do. I expect the same treatment.
Expectations are bullshit though.
For the first time in my life I am having fun because I have finally learned not to expect anything from any one.
I can only believe in me.
Especially when people tell you that they 'just took life off for a while'.
And you just expect me to sit and take the weight?
Nope.
I am going to enjoy myself with no regard like I'm doing right about now.
Talk about crashing and burning.
My name is Hassan, and I am still an alcoholic.
I secretly drank very heavily back in 2007 and I see that I'm matching an/or exceeding my output in 2010. There is no real reason for my drinking like back when I was in Houston, everything is calm and cool.
I'm still good with my eating discipline, I just have the urge to drink a certain amount of alcohol to provide stimulation or satiation. There is no trigger, I just love the taste, the feel and the vibe I get when I overdrink.
Drinking without meat flooding my colon is much more hazardous that a few years ago when I was a taco eating, burrito munching bloke.
I think I'm on my way to drinking myself to death.
I think it's the most perfect way for me to end all of this.
I don't want to stop drinking. I'm hedging my bets on leaving this realm in this manner.
I think its fitting. Hell, I'm drinking right now.
Okay, let me get this right...
Something that had nothing to do with nothing was put into the mainstream
Everybody saw it, then MOST pushed it even further because of how neck-snappingly awful it was
NOBODY investigated
When all of most people's business can usually be found in the most obvious places
Never mind investigating the subject... NO ONE questioned the source?
That means you're the idiot.
Seriously.
If you pushed it. added critical comment on it and/or filed grievance against it in its initial stage... You are an idiot.
Because we're smarter than that.
Wait...
Are we?
Normal weekend.
Left work early Friday and got home at 2pm. Called my wife with an evening idea for entertainment. Sat on the edge of my bed and ended up falling asleep as she watched on-demand programming that she just could not miss. Ended up sitting around for seven hours waiting for my other half to make up her mind as to if we were going to the drive-in theater and catch a flick.
We didn't go. I went out and hit a few old haunts and ran into some drinking buddies from the nineties.
Saturday was my first day working a weekend day at the gig. Exciting. Challenging. I'm a marketing guy, I got a chance to see em' knock down what we set up. At $140k a month in marketing and advertising... Good job crew!
I came home and sat around until I fell asleep. She got tired of texting and IMing all of her crew and turned off the TV around 10pm. I cannot sleep nights for a bunch of different reasons. I faked the funk both Saturday and last night and just laid there. Felt like 3pm Friday. And 4pm on Sunday. Except that I sit and watch nothing happen. Her laptop is attached to her thighs. Headphones in, ignoring all things outside of her bandwidth.
I'm tired and hungry. I'm understimulated.
I counted and wrote things down this past week for an exercise. My wife initiated less than 20 conversations with me in the past week. Less than 100 words. The questions were mostly her asking me if I wanted something from the store or letting me know that she got me a muffin or a bowl of fruit for breakfast. I indicated this to her last night and she mentioned that all I ever said to her was stuff about LeBron James, but I wrote things down. I only mentioned LBJ 3 times last week (including me watching his program, where she was busy IMing and tweeting and listening to whatever) out of the 224 times I initiated other convo with her.
224 to 18 excluding conversation in the car. Not that I'm counting though. She said that she doesn't talk to me because she believes that I wouldn't be interested in having a conversation with her.
Wow.
And I covered everything from the BP spill to the missing kid in the Northwest.
I spend my weekends faking like I'm sleep, just laying there in silence. Very similar to how I spend my daylight hours at home. I'd rather be at work.
I'm heading there now. Have a great Monday.
A while ago, I curtailed my frequent blogging in order to have the time (since I had more of it) to spend with family and friends and to please certain folks that said that I lived way too much in this virtual world than in the real one. I also chose to shut the hell up about political things because early on (like when I went to work on the Obama campaign in 08'... That early), I saw a pattern.
I didn't predict anything. I didn't go out and warn anyone. I made snide comments to my wife and close friends about it and for the most part, they agreed because they saw some things too. Things changed. It was more visual and industrialized. It began to manifest itself in legal circles and in the water cooler conversations of folk that had kept long quiet over other things... They always had questions and opinions, so did it really change? The questions were simple:
At one point, my best friend told me that I was in a 'rut'.
Funny thing though, I never actually feel like I'm ever in 'ruts' or ends up stuck in something. Everyone is entitled to a dry spell of sorts. I think this most recent episode with me is that it was self imposed.
Sometime last year, I decided that I wasn't going to get all poly-sci with y'all anymore. I figured that there was much more for me to blog about as some random Af-American cat trying to make it do what it do in America. I mean, I got married, took myself off the road and successfully started a business. I figured that there would be TONS to talk about here in this forum.
I was wrong on a few points. I'll explain in a minute.
One of the things that kind of drove me away from blogging on the regular is that some of us through blogging picked up the notion that because we were blogging and talking about certain stuff ad-nauseum that we were experts in the matter of, well... Whatever we were blogging about. So not true. I started to find a bunch of folk in newspapers, online forums and of course on facebook and twitter dropping more so-called knowledge than Morpheus on Neo. Their blogs themselves became almost unreadable. I think what happened when there was a more honest, open account of Brown Bloggers blogging back in the day (circa 2003-2004) is that no one politicized simple opinion.
Then Barack Obama ran for the office of president.
Since then, so-called pundits, opinion makers, simple bloggers and talking heads unleashed a sustainable wave of hate, dislike, lies, slander, racism and just plain untruths. Some made money by loading up affiliate marketing API on their sites, others sold ad space and some other took to forums like BlogTalkRadio to further get their points across and cash in because some folk on both sides of the fence started making money uttering and typing bullshit.
I still wanted to be the self-centered bastard that only wanted to talk about my flaws and whatever satellites floated around the self-made planet that was Hassan. To me that became unreadable and I truly understand. Once I settled down and got off the road, there was no more scandal and heartbreak (whatever that means) that I could involve myself in. Even though there was one person angrily blogging about me (and rightfully so due to my actions) and two others through facebook and such spreading rumors and gossiping about my marriage through facebook status updates (one is actually a fb friend... friends close, enemies closer, right?), the popularity that was once this blog waned (thank the lord) because I would not give into politics, bullshit, gossip and hearsay.
There was even a point mere months ago in 2009 where I was angry with a close friend and my wife and I cryptically blogged my angry thoughts to them and it was misinterpreted by my former, angry blogging friend. I shrugged my shoulders and kept it moving by not blogging because I just didn't have the energies in engaging in an online battle. Of words. What was done is done and there is no going back to fix broken things once they were left in that manner. Time slips away and I felt that walking away from unnecessary conflict was the right thing to do. I never looked back even if hindsight told me that I should have. I normally stick with my decisions albeit difficult sometimes.
So in the last year or so where I've totally gotten of the socio-political blogging bandwagon a lot of things have happened. Racism is alive and well and is a focal point of all things politics because of the election of our commander in chief. Race politics is also front and center in most of the rules making committees because certain folk feel outnumbered and afraid and want the way they did things back in play. I guess the systematic outnumbering of the native peoples from new settlers from Europe and the like becomes meaningless in the history of how the continent becomes...
We learn from history.
I never wanted to repeat or regurgitate what so many others have and are doing with their blog platform. I also didn't want to play into certain folks rumor reports with me putting what I would normally think a blog would be used for: My many disagreements with my wife, my life philosophies as taught by history and my elders, life plans for this black man and his family and how I am to execute them in the midst of the over politicization of every damn thing in early 21st century America. Why? because it would be me putting my business in the street for the sake of getting folks to read it.
I never want or wanted to one-up anyone. Not my goal or purpose, but it seems that for the most part, a lot of folks blogging plays into some sort of life's game where the only point to post anything is to compete against someone who's goal is to outpace you. Well, I know that life is no game. I also know that for the most part, a lot of folk of color aren't fully equipped to play the game because we're short of vital game chips needed to place a proper wager. Some of us fall short of overstanding the intricate, finite rules of playing the game because they were never issued a handbook. Bootleg copies do not count because there's always something missing when you half ass things.
I am not here to compete with you. I also have no desire to overstate gain, loss, disease, sickness and the hills and valleys of my relationship. This here is my forum to speak on shit I know. I also sometimes need to express frustration, anger and to ask folk very common to me how they do what they do so I can gain better understanding on how to do mine. Some of us have completely cooned the fuck out just to gain attention from cubicle dwelling gawkers that will contribute nothing more to their lives (or yours) than a giggle, hand clap or even a junk mail e-forward because they were entertained and not edified. I never wanted to come off as shucking or jiving. I think by not blogging, I managed to remain dignified.
But I also missed blogging and connecting with the very folk I used to build with, so... I guess in a sense I can say that I feel comfortable with me blogging here without emotional or situational censorship. What does that mean in English? That I might visit and post to my own blog more often.
Am I hoping for a ton of traffic? Nope. I ain't selling nothin'. I can only count on one hand the bloggers I respect and read that have transformed their love of writing and being introspective in sharing what happens on the other side of their monitor as real and true. The rest of them... Well, remember when folks got all up in MC Hammer's grill for 'selling out' to PepsiCo? Well:
