Dear Democrats, Burn In Hell...

I'm calling Howard Dean out.

As chairman of the Democratic National Party, it should be YOU that acts as an adult in your party and not John Edwards.

I'm also calling Harold E. Ford Jr. out.

If you don't know who he is, he is the chair of the Democratic Leadership Council. No way on my watch, seeing as Bill and Hillary (yes, in that order) are members of said council would I let that BS happen like it did Monday night.

To give the Republican Party audio and video clips to use against the Democratic nominee this fall is ludicrous. To have members of the party quipping at each other about personal issues and not laying out an agenda is utter bullshit. To have them do it in front of the world is unacceptable. Some young leader you turned out to be.

These two gentlemen (and I use that term loosely) are AWOL.

I also an officially ashamed of the Congressional Black Caucus.

In 2000, there was a democratic debate at the Apollo theater that had Bernard Shaw as host and moderator and all of the questions came from the audience. Real questions about real issues, not that nonsense that was asked Monday night. It is unnecessary to say who those people were. Thanks for sponsoring a total waste of my time. Thanks for letting CNN ask all of the 'hard' questions (Clinton, a black president? Negroes please!). Thanks for not pushing for a single brown journalist to be on the panel.

You people are dead to me.

I also want to thank William Jefferson Clinton who I am assigning the title 'Modern Day Willie Lynch' for snoozing on Martin III at Ebinezer Baptist. I would also like to remind you that you cannot have a third term, so take a break and let your wife, the candidate come on talk shows and defend her position.

You also thought that since Barack dips in and out of black America on this talk show and that one, reminding us that he's black enough but has to get other votes as well that you could draw out his niggerdom membership card by making this thing personal. If he keeps having to defend himself he will never get to unravel his agenda as well as showing his 'black hand side' in getting indignant, thus making him a 'black candidate'. Americans want an agent for change, not a 'black candidate' and you know that. By making Barack defend his blackness, you push him against all them young, white folk that can barely relate pushing them independent and taking them away from Barack's, confusing their vote.

Smart.

Also tell your wife to mask her hateful eye contact and body language better. The fact that a black man is in the way of your wife's supposed birthright does not give you or her license to act like high school sophomores. I thought you were better than that.

Shame on you John Edwards.

You told Hillary and Barack that because she is a woman and because he is black they have no chance in rual America to gain enough trust to get votes seeing as you're the right white man for the job. So much for change in America, huh?

I still haven't decided to cast my vote but I can bet you one thing, if Hillary gets the nomination a Republican will hold the White House. If Barack gets the nomination, it will be a nasty general election where America will choose sides. If Edwards gets it, he becomes slicker than Slick Willie ever was.

Welcome to Decision 08'. Slimier than ever, and no one is taking responsibility for anything.

Lord help us.

Oh, and one more thing...

To use the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s name, likeness, dream or spirit in partisan politics should be damning in the eyes of God.

That's right, God damn you all for doing such a thing.

He lived a life of service to the community... For all of us and was murdered for what he thought of, accomplished and was fighting to accomplish. To even go near the political arena and use him to further your own acquisition for power should damn you to hell. Some of you are habitual line steppers and need to get checked post haste. There are better and more effective ways to politic to the people. Learn from the old school and get your act together dammit.

Some of us will not let this fly, I am one of them. You need MY vote to get there and I ain't no whore. No political party will pimp me or my people and shuck and jive on a world stage just to get a seat in the oval office.

Grown folks should act like grown ups. I'm starting to hate all of you.

Weekend Homework Assignment #617

Okay, More like 17...

Looking at my logs in the past week and some change I've been to Chicago, Cincinnati, Lima and Columbus, OH, Indianapolis, Hebron and Bloomington, IN, Detroit, MI, San Francisco, CA, Medford and Portland Oregon and Green Bay WI.

I forgot French Lick, IN (niiice casino), Louisville and Lexington, KY. Warmer weather and good food does that to ya.

I am tired, but I cannot stop. The movement moves on and so will I. With memory foam insoles.

Tomorrow I head to one of my favorite spots in the world, Atlanta, GA to rep the Chicago contingent, bump heads with the FTP Movement, press the flesh with the ATL brothers and sisters of the Hip Hop Caucus, hear the wisdom of Various members of the SCLC, attend the Sunday premier of Brave New Films' newest documentary in the 'The War On Greed' series and get down and dirty on its subject matter with various pundits and brown bloggers. I will close my nationally celebrated holiday out Monday at the King center paying tribute to a man and his wife who gave their lives so that I have the freedom to do exactly what I do. Travel, politic and blog about it.

I am truly honored and blessed that I do what I do. I am also thankful to the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. , his wife Coretta, his sons and daughters and others for fighting and continuing to fight. I am also thankful to my wife for letting me roam the earth like Kane from Kung-Fu. Get your shoes woman... Next time you come with and see for yourself.

I planned on getting deep with the subject of non-urban dictates and how you spend your money but that can wait until next week. When Nichole Wicks from Brave New Films (Peace sis! guest blogging opportunity coming soon) hit me up last week and informed me of the premier, I knew that striking out against private equity firms and informing y'all was the thing to do at this time that we pay tribute to Dr. King who 40 years ago was attending and speaking to folks in Memphis about labor and equality and was observing and attempting to mediate a garbage worker's strike. Dr. King spoke many a time on how a fair paycheck for a honest day's work was necessary for both the betterment of our community and our sanity.

No way we can continue to work so damn hard when we get nothing in return.

And plus, I know someone dear to me who works for a private equity firm. You know what they do, right? If not, do some homework this weekend and find out if marginalization and streamlining is right for your employer and think about the outcome and benefits. Who does it benefit and how will you deal with its outcome?

There is a film clip of the documentary and a press release that tells a part of what I'll be doing this weekend. I hope you are doing something just as constructive this weekend, and if you're in the area... I'll be watching the Jones/Trinidad fight someplace special Saturday night.

I hope y'all find me...

From Robert Greenwald’s Brave New Films: Black American Workers to Private Equity Firms & Henry Kravis - Greed is Not Good

(Atlanta, GA) – From the producers of Walmart: the High Cost of Low Prices and OutFoxed, in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., filmmaker Robert Greenwald’s Brave New Films will escalate his media campaign against the leveraged buyout industry with the premiere of a new short documentary video with a message for the presidential candidates. Partnering with the Hip-Hop Caucus and the Service Employees International Union, along with community leaders and members will gather on the eve of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. National Holiday, Sunday, January 20^th, at Rev. Timothy McDonald’s 1^st Iconium Baptist Church at 2pm EST. This screening will serve as a first of a series of community actions that are expected to place economic injustice on the presidential candidate’s radar. Prominent African-American Leaders, including Dr. Steele from the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, Rev. Yearwood, and various Atlanta City Council members, will be present.

A strong advocate of economic justice, Dr. King was a proponent of workers’ rights, especially as it relates to racial economic justice. With the ever-increasing global economy many Black American workers are being impoverished as a direct result of corporate buy-outs and in particular, the corporate dealings of Henry Kravis’ KKR and other Private Equity Firms. Our War on Greed series illustrates the severe economic disparities of the concentrated wealth and power in so few hands while so many Black workers struggle to pay a mortgage, student loans, medical costs, and even basics necessities like groceries and toiletries. The film also addresses the fact that some worker unions have become obsolete in the face of this international greed.

“One guy needed a couple of days off because his mom was on her deathbed or his mom was gonna die… They (company representative) asked, “Is she dead yet? If not, get back to work!”

In addition, Brave New Films has also partnered some of the most influential Black bloggers and opinion-leaders in an attempt to invite presidential hopefuls to the premiere and pressure candidates into pledging to address the tax loop-hole that so many wealthy corporate CEO’s like Henry Kravis enjoy. Presidential candidates and their advisors have been invited to this screening.

Finally, to address the issue of some presidential candidates taking the Black VOTE for granted, through this film and a series of other community actions we are hoping to engage black community members and policy makers, as well as presidential candidates in a dialogue that will benefit Black workers.

ABOUT BRAVE NEW FILMS

Robert Greenwald’s Brave New Films (BNF) is committed to being at the forefront in creating a just America. Using cutting-edge new internet video campaigns, Brave New Films has created a quick-strike capability that challenges corporate media with the truth and empowers political action nationwide. BNF has garnered significant media and political attention from the likes of CNN, MSNBC, the Tom Joyner Morning Show and the New York Times. Our organization has continued contact with major political candidates because we’ve often captured the ‘pulse’ of the social and economic tone of the American people and their attention with our videos garnering over 10 million hits. Our most recent video: FOX Attacks Obama Staffer reached over 300,000 hits in 24 hours.

Day Off? What Day Off?

Hey y'all...

I got something today, it's just I'm just getting up, it's my day off and I'm not used to the Pacific time zone yet. Well my sleep pattern is.

And I gotta drop the wife off at work
And get groceries
And some lactose free milk that I can tolerate with my morning cereal
And think about what I'm making for dinner
And make time to have lunch with my other half
And call my mom on her lunch break to get names and addresses for the reception thingee
And do my paperwork for submission when I get back to work on Wednesday
And load the dishwasher
And get the trash out before...
And get the pix off my camera's card using my new card reader (thanks Queen)
And get over to the UPS Store
And Harry and David
And get a new cell phone and change the plan to include more minutes and data
And pick wifey up from work
And get them RedBox movies back from this weekend
And get the oil changed
And follow up on the extended service plan call made to fix the dryer
And make a few phone calls about my Atlanta trip next week

okay, okay... then I'll blog.


Damn, being married adds more responsibility to my agenda. And it's my day off. I promise I'll be speaking to you about non-urban dictates, the importance of voting and Barack's new economic stimulus plan soon. I'm sure you're already up on these things anyway, but...

I did my homework this weekend between playoff football, laying around the house and hanging out at the mall making new friends in the business. You did yours too, right?

Not Black Enough

I've never been this busy before.

I'm chugging along the highways and byways of America safely, enjoying the warmer weather. When you operate a rig like I do, you want to consume fuel in smaller amounts meaning more straight aways, less torque when climbing hills, and you don't want to idle your engine if you don't have to. I spend around $1300 a week for diesel and I'm getting about 7 miles to the gallon. That's pretty good, trust me.

A couple of days ago, I had to blow up and redo my current reception ceremony configuration because it started to get away from me. I refuse to sit and watch our ceremony become someone else's creation and not even be included in the organizational process. I don't know what it is about folks wanting to dictate to you what you want, it just ain't happening around here. My other half and I have a vision already agreed upon on what the reception should be and that's what we're having, nuff said.

Senator Barack Obama probably will win the Democratic nomination for president. He's done everything to convince a racially divided America to look beyond race and see him as not just a candidate but a competent one. Sad thing is, he might lose in the general election to whomever the Republican candidate will be because some of his own folk are hating on him.

It ain't white folks that have scrutinized Senator Obama to death, it has been black folk. I think most of you know that the Senator reps my district in DC (yes, I help put him in the senate with my vote and physical support here in the Chi). We attend the same church (well, when there's no cover) and stomp the same ground when it's time to eat, drink and be seen. I don't know him personally, but other than the time I spent in Texas and certain times from 2005 to now when I was on the road, I have first hand knowledge of his work. This cat has his hood pass and has put his ass on the line for the good folk here and got a ton of things done on the city, state and national levels. For us. All I ask it that you look at his service record from the time he was at the law firm to the times we put him in office at the state, then federal level.

Although I haven't made up my mind on who I'll cast my vote for in the general election (hint) I never gave thought to the stuff I'm hearing out of the hood that Barack Obama ain't black enough. It ain't that hard finding folks from Chicago that have benefited from bills, laws and programs established, passed and created by the Obama camp. What angers me is that a lot of folks haven't even tried to do the simplest in research but have an opinion on his qualifications.

I might not even vote for the cat but at least I got his stats. And if I didn't live here I would have at least hollered at family, frat, associates, looked at his MySpage joint, accessed his official Senate page, watched a few You Tube joints. Put his name in CNN.com or the Washington Post archives or some newspaper(s) to at least see if there were articles and editorial written on him. I would have listened to Warren Ballentine, Al Sharpton, Michael Basden, Steve Harvey, Tom Joyner, Wendy Williams or someone to see if he came on their respective shows and gave info, lip service or whatever, but that's just me. I like to know who candidates are that'll rep for me to the rest of the world. It is my life and I live here, might as well get to know who the keyholders might be.

To write this cat off and say he ain't black enough is straight ignorant. Scuse' my French, but who the eff are YOU to determine who is anyway? Funny, but I even hear cats talking bout him winning the whole thing just to get shot because America has it planned that way. I guess whether you like him or not, voting for him or others Barack Hussein Obama will never be black enough for you. Like you counted all of the white folk in your lineage and found none, or your service record of acts performed for people he ain't blood related to is better than his.

Remember something. We only make up 11 or 12 percent of this populous and no one is running for the presidency of Black America. JFK was younger than Barack with less experience. G.W. Bush had less experience than that. Clinton never dibbled in foreign policy, but Barack is the current mediator to end Kenyan violence (his daddy IS from there). So I guess what I'm asking is who is black enough?

America ain't voting for some Newport smoking dude with a wave cap and a few baby mommas. They ain't voting for Nat X either. Here is a responsible family man, educated and versed in grass roots politics that wants a shot at running this country.

Bunches of white folks have selected him to lead them out of the rut started by other white folks. And there are viable white candidates out there. What make you so damn special that you can't even give this dude consideration because you don't know? It'll be sad to see him get the nomination and lose because black folk hated on him. I wonder when another cat like this will come around. It ain't like we had one like this before. Even Jesse and Rev Al will tell you that.

You don't have to vote for him, but at least find out if ANYONE is worth your vote.

1 866 my vote 1 - some of us don't have much time to register.

Tip:
Register for the primaries under whatever party you want and then RE-REGISTER as an independent for the general election. Make these cats work harder to get your vote. If you stay with the party for the general election, the candidate will not campaign to you, he or she is already depending on your vote. But if you're independent... Someone has to swing you over, which means more info to help you make an informed decision.

Damn, I'm long winded...

What the Fcuk is a Caucus and No, You Can't Use it to Seal Your Shower Tile

The political process in America is simple.

They express what they can do, we investigate and then we act based on facts, service record and action.

There is a caucus today.

Iowa is smaller than most states, and there are few minorities living there. We must be observant with this evening's process. There is a HUGE difference between a caucus and an election. With a caucus:

• They gather (around 6pm central tonight I believe) And discuss each candidate.
• Arguments are made for each candidate. Spirited ones, so this should be good.
• If a candidate does not get 15% support, he/she is dropped from discussion.
• After the lower tier candidates are dropped, reshuffling of top tier ones occur.
• The REAL arguments begin and some folk will change their stance (via group vote)
• Final arguments are had, then (about 200,000 from what I believe) there is a final vote.
• The votes are hand counted, and a winner is declared.

Now see, that's some serious Parliament-type old school stuff right there. I hope us folk in the brown blogosphere are aware because my state and others just have straight elections. At lease the good folk in Iowa get down with it.

I hope that folks take this electoral process seriously and remember that the American political process is one that requires active participation from both sides. The politician isn't the only one who is required to put in work. We have an unalienable right to question folk on their shit and I hope we do so. We also have what's called required rights to question, investigate, veto, impeach and form a militia when things aren't going our way because we are constituents. Don't ever forget that.

Our last president did not have the required electoral votes or popular vote to be qualified to hold office and the supreme court appointed him amidst election nigh chaos.

And we sat there and watched.

The wife and I saw Katt Williams in concert over the weekend and brother man was calling Bush an idiot. I love and respect Katt and all of y'all but I must say that we are the idiots because we sat there and did nothing when we could have been just as scandalous as the various administrations over the years. Note that I said administrations instead of G. Dubya. All he did was delegate authority, took credit and give most of his people work during his two terms. One man (or woman) can't fuck all of this up.

Especially when 30 million registered voters with unalienable rights are watching.

It makes no sense to me how someone could sit there and watch and complain and never question his or her senator or congressman. Some of these cats have been in office for years, so how does the previous administrations get away with anything when congress outnumbers the executive branch and can strike down a veto with a two thirds vote?

We don't hold any one's foot to the fire. From precinct captians to the supreme court if a person made a phone call, wrote a letter, marched, got on TV or used this incredible medium called the intetrnet to do some work and not spread rumors, lies and gossip, we would be free in some respects.

Pakistani folk can't vote like this - Candidates get shot an blown up.
Over 2000 Kenyans came to a church and killed more than 400 folks because of an election.
Our current administration refused to intervene with oil prices by releasing reserves, keeping it near $100 a barrel instead of down near $60. Would have meant gas going near $2. Remember a fill-up under 40 bux??

Funny how text messages in 2007 surpassed emails and telephone calls as the preferred method of communication in the US. Funny how I got more hits with my post on an anonymous blogger than any post I've had in the past couple of months. The internet, viral videos, texting and chat could be used to get that next revolution off the ground, but...

I'm sure we have better things to do than to watch or pay attention to a caucus. From Iowa. With limited brown skinned participation.

If the reincarnation of Adolph Hitler gets in this November, remember... No participation, no complaining.

You have been warned.

Now, back to trifling bullshit, internet scandal and pics of stuff you would never hang on your cubicle walls.

Seacrest, out.

Anonymous Commenting On How I Should Conduct My Business

I try not to get into 'firsts of the year' but...

Sigh.

I have to address something.

I would have kept the a comment on my blog (regardless of what it said) but it came from an anonymous source. Although I have 3 pieces of tracking software attached to my blog and it identifies the IP address, city, state, internet service provider, time, date, URL of the site clicked through to get to my blog and what URL they clicked out on as well as what email client they were signed into (yeah, seriously), blah, blah, blah... The person still went thru the trouble of leaving an anonymous comment.

I'll go out on a limb and say at least I know about you. Hell, I might be wrong in who I think you are. Nobody's perfect, and I know I'm not, but you already know that. From the amount of pages and certain posts read from my archive, you seem to know me better than folks that stop by here on the regular. For that, I thank you. I like folks that do their research.

To be honest, I would have responded to your comment about my wife in the positive in regards of the info you provided me with.

That's right, I said it. Now I'm not calling my wife the vile names and think of her in the negative, but we already knew of her discretion because she blogged about it. I was also a friend during that whole time and I already knew because that business was already out in the street and if you think of her negatively because of her actions then judge me too. I ain't no saint my damn self.

Hell, I was just in Texas last year in the company of a woman who was a friend for longer than I dated my wife, but... Since you read damn near her entire blog as well as mine you would have known that we've known each other for a year and a half and then we dated. I made a choice to make the quality of my life better by leaving Texas and coming back to Chicago where we got together damn near immediately.

She was here, I was too. We vibed from day one back in the day, but we were with other people doing whatever we were doing before we became exclusive. But you knew that. We blogged about it. You read it. And repeated it. So I guess that's considered old news, huh?

Ask that sister in Texas about my ass. I'm the most trifling son of a bitch on the planet (who owes her money AND rejected her advances) if she tells you, so what does that make me? It makes me human. But I'm not afraid to put that out there because I'll never run from my past.

But then again you spent time reading the post from this time last year when I told of the time I was sexually assaulted. Good post, huh? You probably like the fact that I was touched and I told about it. It makes me a strong black man who overcame a serious indiscretion to get on with his life.

Nah, I'm just another kid from some nameless, faceless poor neighborhood in a large American city that still enjoys life regardless of what happens. I still have breath in my lungs so I really try to find all the good shit so I can take advantage of what time I have left not just to get thru but to enjoy it before my number gets called.

If she blogged about her past affairs then imagine what I know? Imagine what she told me and imagine what I heard from others during the time I courted her.

And I still found enough positives in her to love her unconditionally and to make her my wife. I guess either misery loves company or birds of a feather flock together, huh? I am not Christian, nor am I Muslim or Hebrew but I grew up in that environment and respect the writings and teachings as sacred. I wish I could afford the cover charge, I'd go to church...

I guess Jesus ain't shit for hanging out with that whore and them drunks, travelling the countryside perpetrating that lie about who his real daddy was while hustling gullible folk with cheap parlor tricks and the power of suggestion, huh? I ain't nowhere near Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, Gandhi, Ronald Reagan, Oprah, 50 Cent or the like, but who am I to judge who's worthy? Who am I to forgive or not based on what I experienced? You have a right to say whatever you want, but who are you to do so and not even have the nerve to put your name behind your comments?

So if my decision was so bad, or if you felt that I was kept hidden from folks so I couldn't learn the truth I feel bad that you feel that way. Really, I do. I was told, counseled, warned, and preached to and so on and so forth and I know as much as a man could know to make the ginormous decision to choose this woman to spend the rest of my life with.

And I'm happy and satisfied with my decision, thank you.

If you have a suggestion for my, then step up into the light and tell me who my soul mate should be. I am always open to dialogue with you. Who ever 'you' are. We don't hide around here, we just do us. Because we have lives beyond then internet (check my frequent flyer miles since July) sometimes we make choices to just enjoy life wherever we are and don't feel the need to report shit to the internet. When you sign my check (oh shit, I'm an independent contractor, so you can't!) and pay our mortgage then I'll feel the need to get your approval on who I do and where we do it. Until then, all I ask is for you to come into the light and use your name.

It's then that your comment can stay.

And for those that want to know what the comment was... You probably know by now. Hell, I just blogged ad nausem about it.

Last Post of 2007?

Seems fitting that since this is the last weekend I spend in Chicago I spend time this morning blogging about it.

In the last few months, I've been back and forth between my new home and what is to be my old one, not on the sly but at the time it is what one does when setting up shop in new digs. I think a lot of folk in the brown blogosphere thought maybe the wife and I were keeping secrets since the summer but no, we were just handling our business doing what we had to in getting things right to spend our lives together in harmony. We just didn't want to tell you. Shocked some, others had already figured things out. Good.

You don't have to know everything, do you?

Thought not.

Less talk and more action is something I've adopted recently. It really seems to work very well when trying to accomplish stuff, but I feel like talking today. You with me?

Good. Here goes...

My thanks goes out to all of those sending congratulations and well wishes our way. I really appreciate words from all of the online family both close and distant, and a mad shout goes out to all of those making the trip over here for the first time this week to check out the dude Diva digs... Since you all up in the medicine cabinet, I hope you wipe thoroughly, wash your hands and come back and exchange dialogue many more times in the future cause I'll still be here.

What, with change you thought I was leaving?

Speaking of change, in less than a week, the good folks over in Iowa will go to the polls and tell us what they think about the current crop of folk vying for that small opening in the oval office in DC. As thinking people with freedom of choice and the ability to vote we should be watching this one closely.

Not one candidate has publicly addressed the plight of a very important 12% American populous. I haven't heard anything involving interventions to stop police abuse, unfair sentencing by the criminal justice system, respect to communities that contribute to the economy but are hit with neglect in facilities and services vital to the survival of a constituent base, predatory lenders taking advantage of hard working Americans who can't afford the American dream and so on. But what specifically about:

There is the woman in West Virginia who was raped and tortured for days with barely any national coverage. They called her the N word but as of this writing, they still had not confirmed they are treating this as a hate crime.

We all know the young groom in NYC who was murdered by the NYPD on the eve of his wedding.

There is the teenage girl in Texas who was sentenced to jail time for an altercation with a school official.

The teenage girl who was sprayed with mace for missing curfew. You can see her in the video restrained by a police officer twice her size. She was in handcuffs when she was sprayed.

The California girl who had her arm broken by a school security official when she refused to pick up a piece of cake from the floor filmed by a school mate and is all over You Tube.

The young man in Georgia who was sentenced to 10 years in prison for having consensual sex with a young girl. He was 17, she was 15.

The young brother in Florida who died in the custody of the state when he was admitted to their boot camp. They said he died of sickle cell but couldn’t explain his battered body.


The assassination of Prime Minister Bhutto needs explanation and needs an American politician to make a statement of admonishment/support on the behalf of the millions of Pakistani residents of this country. What exactly are these candidates speaking about and who exactly do they represent? Why are you not paying better attention to this? Is the Chis Stokes/Raz B situation that damn important to you or are you just that easily distracted?

Homes are being lost by folks that are above the poverty level.
Fuel costs are soaring, and that includes natural gas.
There is a grain shortage looming in the next few years.
Takes haven't been adjusted to balance for the working poor.
Gentrification looms in Georgia, Illinois, Michigan, Louisiana, California and New York, places where there are high concentrations of... Brown folk.
Our foreign policy sucks...

Wait, it's New Years weekend. You don't wanna hear this shit! All you wanna do is:

get a little tail... and

drink with your dogs

(I just had to use a couple of Vegas shots from this past week!)

As a 'professional driver' I urge you to get a cab or utilize the nerdy, non-drinking cat with no date as a designated driver this weekend and Monday night. I'll be counting on you all to be aware and use good judgement in getting through to 2008.

We got some work to do. I think I said enough.

Hotep.

Honeymoon In Vegas

Well, I made it back.

Okay, I actually went to work today, albeit straight from the airport and it was a half day for me so it ain't like I'm just getting back. Plus by the time I post this, it'll be Thursday morning. I'm late... Sue me.

Las Vegas was the place for holiday this year, and although temperatures ranged from the mid fifties down to about thirty eight degrees, my other half and I had a ball. Getting out of the airport was a somewhat hard task, but seeing the strip from the plane Saturday as I landed put my soul at ease. My other half and I took separate flights and she had already gotten a b-line on our joint at the Luxor.

We decided on a spa suite that came with a hot tub I put to use for these aching bones every day we were there except for our last. I swear on all that is sacred we are putting a soft tub at the rest in 2008. With all the walking we did all up and through the strip and thangs, I really needed to chillax in the hot tub when we did.

There's also a great story behind the hot tub in our suite and how my other half received the ring I hinted at in an earlier post but I'll save that for another day, you actually might hear of it somewhere else in the blogosphere... Who knows?

Anyway. We had a ball in Vegas... We gambled somewhat and lost a bit, won a little. It really wasn't the focus of our stay. We ate well and discovered that Old Vegas whoops New Vegas' ass when it comes to food and circuses. It was my other half's first Vegas visit and I attempted to bestow her all things I knew of sin city, but so much has changed since my last visit. Of course construction changes a lot but all the basic stuff I knew came in somewhat handy.

Thank the lord for the monorail. We made the walk from Freemont Street to the Stratosphere Monday evening and I tell you... Somebody needs to hook that up a little faster. In the words of Rhonda Deane from the movie 'White Men Can't Jump': "There ain't no vista and there damn sure ain't no view..." when it comes to Las Vegas Boulevard from Freemont to Charleston streets.

Sheesh.

Fix that ish!


Anyways, fun was had, things were learned, souvenirs were bought and the monorail and a certain hot tub was abused in what I'll call our Vegas honeymoon. I call it that because Monday afternoon we got married. I get all puffy in the ocular region when thinking of it but I'll let her tell it. She does a better job than I when it comes to relaying that one.

Hold tight... You'll get all the info you need in due time, okay?

Wait til' I tell you how I got a hold of the ring... You'll laugh, you'll cry. Hell, you're probably reading that one paragraph up there over again just to make sure you read it right.

You did.

Status Check

Peace, y'all...

I'm working on the very important posts I spoke upon last week and plan on getting them up here in a hot second, but right now I'm out running errands in preperation for my vacation celebration demonstration. I'll holla in a minute, aiight?

Hope everyone is well.

Consistantly Inconsistantly Consistant

Okay, I've been a little absent... Sorry.

Well, maybe not. I'm not that busy but I have been planning my vacation and new year's plans with my other half and enjoying the fact that she's actually there. I mean, right here *points*. I know, I was supposed to explain all of that and I will... Next week. I promise.

I tell you, I've never been this befuddled in blessings in my life. Ever. Its a good thing though. I just needed time to sort out how something, someone, some situations so good happened to me of all people. Let some folks tell it, I am one cold hearted Martha Focker worthy of nothing but bad karma for the rest of my years.

That's another thing. I had to get over some deep seeded hatred that still kind of resides in my heart. Small traces though. One thing about finding love and re-establishing a relationship with my mother is that I had to get over an event or two that happened to me this year that had me hating someone. I never thought that I would ever be in such a predicament seeing as I've gone thru some shit in my short life.

We're taught as children to not even use the word hate, and some of us even grew up in christian households with extreme love and forgiveness being taught both in school and at home. I was one of those children, having that principle beaten over my head to the point where I thought it had settled in and thought that it regulated my behavior. I guess sometimes it takes a few things to make stuff like that dissipate.

Even when someone thinks they are doing you well they could actually be doing you harm. I know one thing, I had to let go of anger and resentment when it came to my mother as well. It took that release of anger and hatred to make me see that I was wasting time and energy when it came to folk who never mattered in my heart, so how did I feel hatred in the first place? I see my mother now and I see a different woman than the one I remember.

In the 15 or so months I went ignoring her calls and not speaking and seeing her I can see with fresh eyes that life is beginning to take its toll on her. Know that my mother is strong and will not let the simple shit in life whoop her ass. I'm just saying that she doesn't even look the same in my eyes and knowing how foolish I was to hold a grudge against her and be out of her life when she could have been easily taken away from me makes me feel that much more of a special feeling because I still have her and I need her now more than I ever have.

Sometimes, I can be stupid. I thank the universe for the opportunity to rekindle. If it wasn't for her, I would never know the love that I attempt to reciprocate from an amazing woman born on the same day she was. It is my mother who coached me up with a few pearls of wisdom that had me to understand and act upon something I had no clue on, and that is love from a good woman.

And then she tried to kidnap her away from me. In other words, for someone that has never gotten along with previous boyfriend's moms and such, My mother gave her a warm embrace of welcome into the family, investigated the beginnings of our relationship, told her every Hassan secret, gave her pearls on how to treat and keep her son and immediately asked for grandchildren.

My mother. What the hell was I thinking in the past few years?

When this year started, I was working a job I didn't want in a place I didn't want to travel to, reeling from injury that I thought at the time would affect my career as a big rig operator. From then to now things got progressively worse to the point of depressed anger, relocation and then homecoming with me getting back into a rig. It was when I came home that my crooked got straight and of course, with me taking the last two weeks of December off to go roast in the sun on a much needed vacation and then ringing in the new year with my other half, I will take next week to look over and reflect on the events that got me here.

There were a few things that had me jaded on love, life and the opportunity to make good in life which lead to me having feelings of hatred for someone I once held close to me as a friend. I knew that I had to let that go in order for me to to even have that simple conversation I had with my mom that first week of August. It took death, love, hatred and despair for me to get here right now. I can't write this shit, trust me but I'll try in the coming days.

And then... Vacation.

And rebirth.

And family, and then I can celebrate 2008 and do my dance.

Where's Waldo? - Here's Hassan

Where have I been you ask? No place, to be honest. I've been at work on the highways and by-ways hauling freight driving my truck and spending time with friends, family and my other half like any normal cat would, but that's the thing...

When you have family and make the shift to start your own, you realize that the time you once had for other things has been replaced with a new sense of purpose. Not that the old haunts aren't meant for you anymore, it's just that you shift focus on what's important. Right now that is the health and safety of my family, and I ain't talking about Moms and Pops (although that is just as important. Consider them consultants from this point forward).

Becoming a husband and a father requires trust and time spent learning how to intertwine the differences that separate people to make the family unit stronger. I am glad my brothers and sister as well as my mother are in my life to teach me the finer points of being a man of faith and family. I am the last in the family to make the effort to jump the broom and make some babies and I need all the help I can get because I owe it to my beloved and the universe to put forth the absolute best effort to lead, provide and grow my seeds in the proper, most respectful manner in the eyes of the creator. Without help, I will mess this up.

I'm also thankful for re-kindling my relationship with my mother... My relationship with my other half only exists because of this. I shouldn't have to explain this, huh? Some things cannot be created, maintained or can exist without mom, nuff said.

The politics that revolve around American holidays no longer exist for me. I know that I'll get this time of year off of work and so will those I hold dear to me, so I do my best to visit and catch up. Good thing, most of these folks I won't see for a long time so I hustled my ass off to be places where they would be given the time off we had, and boy I'm glad I did...



Hanging out with good friends in old haunts...

I spent a little time getting to know the niece I don't get a chance to see...



My other half and I also attended fellow blogger and artist extraordinaire Namelia Anderson's (pictured below) 1st gallery showing.
This piece is called 'A Piece Of Peace' (the artist, standing next to her work) and will bless our home


My sister surprised us with a holiday visit. It was cool to sit and break bread and see my niece and nephew after damn near a year.

What was funny was that my other half took my sister's place in the sister circle in helping prep Thanksgiving dinner. I was the only one that knew that my sister and her eating machine of a husband was coming in and had to prompt folks to purchase more food without letting the cat out of the bag because the table placing grew exponentially with her family's visit. My mom actually came and scooped my other half up from the spot early in the darkness last Thursday morning while I was sleep and they really put their foot into the meal. She also kidnapped her on other occasions, she fits so well into the family muddle... Now if moms can just give me back my woman (their birthday, as well as my niece's birthday are all on the same day talk about commonality... go figure) I enjoyed every moment I got a chance to spend with everyone near and dear to me. This was most special to me because now that I have my own family memories like that define our legacy with our own children.


After all was said and done the end result was this... Happy parental units. That's all that matters.

That and love from a good woman. More on that later.

Waiting Rooms, Sales Pitches and A Short Story In Between... All While Hanging Out With Mom

I'm hanging out with Moms today. She has an appointment with her primary care doc and I am her chauffeur this afternoon. Getting this chance to hang out with Moms is good stuff. She misses my sister and lil bruh just closed on his home. That dude is busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest but is happier than a sissy with a bag of... Okay too much. Got that from Bernie Mac. Sorry.

We dropped dad off at the job, got a nibble to eat and now It's just me, LilBlakMac (that's the laptop's nickname) and my wireless card hanging out in the waiting area, scoping the pretty faces, trading convo with the pharmaceutical sales rep and writing this thingee. In order to get back into the swing of things, my muse suggested that I just write stuff and I came up with this one right after the sales rep left after an futile attempt to recruit me to sell drugs. Legally that is... Man, I drive a truck. Enough about me, check this short, it's kinda cool cause' I'm making it up as I go along here in the waiting room. Tell me if I should make something out of this one:




He had never felt as lost as he was in this moment. Indeed, he was the new kid and he felt out of place as he stood on his stoop. The neighborhood kids played just a distance away and they kept an eye on each other, them wondering when he would come out to the sidewalk to address and he wondering if one or all of them would run over to the bottom step and invite him to partake in their fodder.

This was only different in the fact that he never thought that he would ever end up here. His parents worked to the point of him not seeing them during the week, also knowing that he was one of the few kids at school that actually lived in a house. Families in the big city were apartment dwellers. The only other family he knew that lived in a home as big as his was his cousin.

There were good memories had from the summer he spent at his aunt and uncle’s house. Times have changed and so has his family’s status after his father died in an accident at the auto plant a few months ago. He barely saw his mother anymore. When she wasn’t crying alone in her bedroom she was working one of her three jobs, studying for night school or sleeping. He was basically on his own these days and this was the first summer living in the brownstone apartment he now called home. No more summers with his cousin, no more as his dad called it ‘country adventures’.

He never thought his situation would change like this. Remembering going over to grandma’s house and driving through these neighborhoods. He was an outgoing kid, not afraid to address a stranger and not scared to explore new places, but this was too surreal to wrap his brain around:

Older boys hanging on the corner
Lawns with no grass growing in them
Stores with speakers on the outside of the front door, music blaring
Random kids running amok
Vacant lots and run down buildings blending in with neighbors next door watering non-existing plants
Fire hydrants open, kids and auto traffic merging with little to no effort
Women dressed like they’re going swimming with their church shoes on walking the dark places of the back streets
Weird-looking churches right on the same street as the liquor store
So many liquor stores… And the activity around them

He thought it was the story he saw on the TV each night on the news. He thought he would never be a part of it so he casually ignored it. Some of his father’s co-workers lived in these areas be he never knew which one. A few of the kids came to the repast and funeral with their parents and he remembered being in the room separated as the grown folks bantered about and recalls how loud these kids were. They seemed to be more open and loose with their expression that he remembered being taught so he remained quiet. And now he stood on the stoop of his new home carefully observing this same kids wondering if they would ever make contact.

They remained observers of each other until one kid walked over to the bottom step of the brownstone and addressed the neighborhood’s new edition:

“Hey, what’s up?”
“Hey.”
“I’m David, what’s your name, man?”
“I’m Kevin.”
“You got any brothers or sister man, or is it just you over here?”
“Nah, it’s just me.”
“That’s cool. I got a little brother. He messes up everything. You wanna go walking around?”
“Go walking where? I don’t know a whole lot about around here.”
“Don’t worry man, it’s the hood, ain’t much to know unless somebody starts fighting or the man comes through.”
“The man?”
“Yeah, you know. The cops, the fuzz, mister Charlie and em’.”
“The police?”
“Yea man. They always messing with folks around here. My dad calls em’ get stoppo.”
“You mean Gestapo – the German killer police?”
“Yeah, just like them dudes from history class. Sometimes they go around killing folks for no good reason, but that’s just the dudes that got dope though. Them Gestapo dudes popped my daddy’s brother three years ago. What you know about some German history anyway?”
“That’s all we ever learn about in history at my school anyway is about the war and how that holocaust changed how we do things. My pops used to tell me that there was some sort of a black holocaust but…”
“He ain’t around no more”
“Shoot, my daddy ain’t either. He split too?”
“Naw, was in an accident.”
“And y’all moved here? Dang man. But don’t worry though, ain’t too many kids here ever seen their daddy, the just be hanging out.”

They talked on the stoop for about an hour and then they started to walk around, David showing Kevin the neighborhood. As Kevin toured what was his new hangout and home, he wondered what would become of him amid the madness and noise, sirens and loud music. He studied this kid and wondered what made him of all people endear himself to a total stranger and wondered aloud sometimes why he was so open when all the other kids just looked and never spoke.

As they walked and explored, he imagined himself as just one of the boys hanging out on the corners looking as if her was protective of all the abandoned buildings and vacant lots. He knew that he would have to make everything he took in familiar, this was his new home and he had to know it like the back of his hand. The one thing he never knew is how much he’ll need the knowledge of the lay of that land… Kevin’s world would indeed change as much as he would become a product of this new environment.

Friday Musings

Purpose

Fidelity

Trust

Vision

Focus

Love

Respect

Hope

Family

Groove


I jotted down these words in an effort to see if I could come up with something out of them. I tell you that I haven't neglected this space, it's just that my hands are so full and I am giddy like a schoolgirl in the enjoyment of my abundance of people, things and places that make my life so complete in this moment.

Some times we are riddled with stress and strife, death, taxes and loss of freedom and in some fashion I have had my hands full dealing with these things in the past week and some change. I tell you right now that the sister that has my life placed at her feet and the family I've gained to include my family has me at a point where nothing can rattle me or take me off of my square.

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. Folks aren't as healthy as they should be, others don't quite know what their health status really is and time will tell. Someone's job is on the line. There has been death, taxes depression and family squabbles as well as incarceration that overtook the week before Thanksgiving in my family. I have all the confidence in the world that we will be breaking bread, chasing babies to make them eat and snapping on how big somebody's head is next Thursday evening all up and thru my momma's house.

I'm waiting to get full. Tick-like, fo sho.

I live, work and do all things to make the hopes of a healthy, successful family a reality. That's real. I can't recall no other time in my life where going to work felt so damn good. I know that all I do is to grow my family and it's also to have the things we want. We already have the thing we need in vast abundance.

I was talking to a friend out west and she was telling me how in an instant after she met this man that she knew this was her husband. We traded stories on how everything we did from brushing our teeth to arranging dinner was done for the sole purpose of satisfying our new partners which satiated something deep in our souls. Their overall happiness meant that we're happy as well. We also lamented over how things that happened brought us to this moment. I questioned mine because I felt that I never deserved anything like this, she told me not to question anything and just ride the wave. I questioned and doubted my position months ago because it was so surreal. I took my big homies advice then and have been on this incredible trip of realness based on love, trust and the hopes for the future. Riding the wave, indeed.

Well dammit, the water is indeed warm and I hope all of y'all get a chance to skinny dip just once. Damn, I really hope that. This kind of thang changes lives and gives many a sense of purpose so strong that nothing can break it or diminish its luster.




My PURPOSE in this existence is to celebrate
I revel in the reality that is you
Our toasts are to events that not yet have happened
but have more meaning that I could have ever over stood
because in our union we work to cultivate life.
I am a foreman of FIDELITY,
focused in my actions to construct our foundation
and build our forever only with you
The you that is inspires the blueprint
Our house is built on the TRUST shared between us,
all waters are calm and our minds are sure because
we cosign to each other's VISION.
Continue to back me the way you have and my
FOCUS grows stronger and my since of purpose will
never wane because our responsibilities will grow.
My LOVE can never fail,
From the first time our eyes met the sounds of my
father and grandfather's call for RESPECT echoed
through my head.
The HOPE of a healthy FAMILY lies within our hands and
the continuation of our actions. My confidence grows
by the moment, we got a GROOVE going on.
Let's keep that rhythm, it's easy to step to.


Let's hope I stay in that groove...

Wasting Time

Peace and blessings in the name of the Most High...

It has not been hectic for me, I haven't been that busy and I've had time and opportunity to blog, I just haven't. I'm having too much of a good time just doing regular stuff and enjoying being in the moment.

I was watching the high definition bootleg of American Gangster the other day and I realized that Bumpy Johnson died at the same age my grandfather did. He was only 62.

Now I say only 62 because I find that to be uncharacteristically young even for a black man. Now that I approach 40 it does not register in my mind that I could die at 62. That would mean that I have lived more of my life than I have left if the Creator has decided to call me home at that time. It led me to think about all that I have gone through and all that I have experienced and it also made me look at my life so far and all of the things I want to but have not yet accomplished.

Not that seeing that movie made me immediately think of making change... I reminded myself that out of all that I have done that I have basically wasted my time.

Now I've been a few places and met a few folk that would stay with me forever, but in the grand scheme of things, I've done nothing to accomplish my goals in life besides writing and making music half-assed, and losing my inspiration and motivation to create earlier this year had to be the most debilitating thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

For me to know in this moment that I have most likely lived more than half my life (understanding that I am overweight, have diabetes and don't eat right most of the time - makes me think of how much time I really have left) and it's high time that I do the things that I am supposed to do to complete myself. This is why I am currently chilling in the cut right now in the Pacific Northwest making moves and doing all things necessary in starting my family because I know that I'm supposed to be at this point in my life.

Not that everything in my life has been a waste of time but sometimes one is prep eared for the now by learning that he or she didn't have to go thru the BS of the past. More about all of that and how it applies to me later. Now, it's off to brunch somewhere near Napa Valley.

And some football.

Well Hello There...

You ever have a moment in life where things are so great that it keeps you from 'regular' stuff (like blogging)?

Well, I'm in that moment. I am in the process of detailing things, it's just taking more time than I thought.

Did you participate in the blackout last Friday? I did. Do you realize the power we have and can have by making this a regular occurance?

Are you coming with me to Washington DC on the 16th? Think about the timing of the march and the appointment of the new attorney general. What type of infuuence can we have on the sitting AG when it comes to justice for young black men, the hanging of nooses around America and interpretation of the law in our neighborhoods?

It might be time for the the so-called war on drugs comes to an end. Way too many non-weapon offenders are serving time when all they need is rehab and a P.O.

This AG will be already seated when whomever gets elected president...

We gotta have more cowbell...

Enough about our responsibilities and more about my pending mortgage and child care expenses in a moment.

Tomorrow...

I get back to being regular.

And to think, I didn't need a whole tub of Metamucil.

See you in a minute folks!

Check The Adlib...

Dear T.I.P.

The last time I checked you were bragging on making double digit millions to various magazines and big upping your new flick with Denzel. I'm sorry, I didn't see you in Jena or have I heard anything about your support on this issue or others.

Little girls have been wronged by school security

Young men have been wronged by the justice system

Women have been raped, beaten and/or murdered

The world's most famous house nigger released a book and invited a bunch of folks 'down with the movement' to a few mixers in support of said literary rag

Leading republican candidates running for the highest office in this country showed their asses at a christian fundamentalist luncheon/dinner but could not make it over to Morgan State a few weeks ago

A brother in your own ATL was murdered in cold blood by a cop. The department released at least 4 false statements stating that the brother snapped and got himself deadded... They forgot there was a dashboard cam

And you ask for support and justice? What about your fanbase?

Enough...


A few weeks ago, I had the most interesting conversation that I've ever had in my entire life. I was shocked and stunned by it and I was also prompted to search myself for the proper key to me being reborn.

I have to be.

Never in my life have I had this vote of confidence, and the lack of someone having that in me helped me in determining that I would never marry or have children, based off of the words that still ring in my head and the actions performed over the last couple of months has me preparing for two of the things I avoided like the plague in my adult life and what I now want now more than ever.

I found my wife

She will have my children

What I'll do from this point is chronicle the connection, the actions that lead to trust and actions performed that'll make us family.

See, there... That'll inspire me to write.

Huh?

I still don't feel like coming here... Give me a little time, will ya?

About my uncle... I decided to give that lil' tidbit of info, other things in this investigation I'd rather not talk about and there are certain things I cannot say. You never know who links you to folks and when they lurk and give info about you and yours. Trust me when I say stuff like that can lead to you falling off your horse. I'm still brushing myself off right from falling some time ago.

Nuff Said



Hey?

You ever wake up and realize exactly what you're supposed to do and where you're supposed to be?

I had that epiphany some time ago, I just had to get to the place to make it happen. I am happy in being in the exact place, moment and in the company of those that will observe with hope and will also participate in my overall happiness. It takes a spiritual overhaul to get to that place and be in that moment with those people. The process in not painless.

It took time for me to get here and I kept falling over and over. I am not surprised in the changes made for me to realize what I like to call 'my happy'. It's not weird like I thought it would be, ya know?

Writing for me has been a labor to say the least for me. I know that events circumstances in 2007 has led me to find out that I am not a writer, nor do I have the inspiration to continue writing. I lost the desire by influence and I wish I could explain further, I know that there are so many other important things than me working to meet a deadline... And for what?

I can safely say that 2007 up to late summer/this fall has been my worst time in my life. I ain't talking about losing family or not communicating with family or real friends. You look back at what your lowest points are and how you functioned and are amazed in how and what you did to fight back up to the surface. Pain, discomfort and deprivation leads you to either give up or live another day. Writing and the joys I once found in it are just one of the things I'm letting go because of what stymied and disillusioned me about writing.

There is no joy in it for me anymore. I actually hate it.

I'm also soured on making new music as well. I'm working on getting that mojo back. There are wonderful opportunities in my new place that will help me harvest material that has been trapped inside of me for quite some time. I embrace that because I could never give up the drum.

I know that some of you think of me as this focused, driven machine destined to be alone with countless pages of my writings, to the contrary, I knew what my purpose was but I had to get there spiritually in order for me to fulfill said destiny.

I want to be a father.
And a husband.
That's right I said it... I want to be a family man.
And I don't want to put my career or personal aspirations in front of that.

Career aspirations aside, I know that this is what I am supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be, so in totally throwing y'all a super slow curve ball I must say that I am working on being those two things before anything else right now at this moment. It ain't like I'm speed dating or having sex for conception right now, but you know what I mean.

After years and years of doing what I thought I wanted to do and in doing that knowing what I don't want, I am now in the place where I want to be the family man the Creator placed me here to be. Yeah, I probably will train some tiny Pan-African revolutionary activists hell bent on making the change I still want to make, but I ain't wasting time cooped up trying to write about the revolution.

Remember, it ain't supposed to be televised, right?

Unless you're watching a porno.

How Much Value...

Get this...

A fourteen year old boy was arrested and charged with murdering my uncle.

Ha stated that he was paid $400 to do so.

The Mini-Battle With My Inner-Nigger

It's been hard to come here to my own blog.

The past couple of weeks have been difficult to say the least:

A family member was murdered and buried in less than a week and we have no leads as to who took the life of our beloved.

I was involved in 2 separate 'trucking incidents' that resulted in lost time and mileage. I have to stand in front of an independent investigator this week to see if I pay for the combined $60,000 plus in damages. I claim innocence, nuff said.

I've been stolen from, harassed, betrayed, ridiculed and taken advantage of as well as being sold down the river by a handful of folks I called 'close'.

But know that the good still outweighs the bad immensely.

In times like this something happens to me. I try to maintain my sanity but my inner self doesn't want to hear that shit. My inner-nigger wants to take over and get busy rectifying things. Of course I can't let him because I'm too handsome to go to jail. And I got a round booty.

Not a good thing, trust me. I wouldn't know and I ain't trying to find out, trust me.


I went thru a thing the week I got into my little trucking mishap. I started hearing from folks I wouldn't dig out of a grave if I had the powers of regeneration as well as folks that were smiling in my face and selling me out in the same breath. Shit started getting thick. Vultures always swoop down when you start to wane from life's attempt to kick your ass and then...

Nigger - Let me get at em man

Me - I can't let you out, you do bad shit.

Nigger - I know! I swear, say the word son, I'll go to their house, ring the doorbell and get a nice firm grip on that neck kid!

Me - What about them breathing?

Nigger - They don't need to breathe... People like that aren't worthy of life, son!


I never got why cats get on rap records and used their talent to speak on killing folks they didn't know. I know that sex and violence rules the entertainment game but I didn't know that it's the niggers on this planet that regulated who lives or dies. My inner nigger really wanted to go out and rid the world of folks he felt weren't worthy of inhaling, and that ain't my bag baby.

In the past twenty years, the best way to end shit was to close the deal by applying the expiration date on folks and their operation. Ass whoopins and such became a thing of the past and pride in bruises went the way of the stagecoach. High school kids started bringing guns to schools and tiny little things in the hood went under the bed and got daddy's tech 9 and blasted the kid down the street because he or she was getting teased to the point of humiliation.

In the past couple of months I too was teased, ridiculed and humiliated by those that were close to me. Things were said behind my back that discounted my value and worth to those I endeared myself to. Things both tangible and intangible were stolen from me. I was emasculated and paraded about as the carnival freak and I had enough and attempted to walk away. In me walking away from those that took advantage of me there was frustration I guess and I was betrayed in a manner that I won't even share here in the place I usually tell all my business.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to lash out the way other kids in my environment do currently and in the past. I could not believe that I had an inner nigger. I never thought I would bring home the urge to want to take someone's life. I thought I left that in the military. My inner nigger damn near convinced me to take a hundred steps backward and risk my own life in retaliation over what? Other people's shortcomings and such?

What?

You know me.

Even if you just started coming here to read stuff. I am a proud, intelligent black man with so much to live for. What on earth could put such thoughts in my head?

I am a product of my environment.

When I came back to Chicago months ago, I put myself back in the hood. Now I have volunteered at food pantries, registered folks to vote and gave many a free show on the hip hop and poetry tip. I love my people and I can't stand seeing us live foul for no apparent reason, but I see that in my travels there is still an element in the Black and Latino community that wants to live foul. And its influence is strong as hell. Some of that lives inside of me.

A couple of days ago I was driving thru the hood from the gig, looking for a spot to get some grub. The company car has tinted windows, so I'm in the cut. It was then, me rolling thru the weed spots, hustleman's haven and the infamous 'Carter' (ala new Jack City) that I realized that even though gentrification was at an all time high in spots that used to be straight gully, the hood still exists. Hood mentality still exists. That shit is marketed on BET on the freaking regular, and I don't watch BET (I gave up on TV recently... I'll buy Heroes on DVD in March 08') and again I say, the hood influence to regulate via violence is very, very heavy.

I don't want to leave the hood, but when you have only yourself to fend for and nothing to lose, you do incredible shit. I am a product of the ghetto and I love being right in the middle of it. Something about the projects and the mini-barrio that calls me to stay and be with my own kind.

I want to do incredible things, but I want to do them and live in the reciprocation of the actions and emotions I have and act upon, meaning I need more to live for in order for me to live.

And then, all of a sudden she pops up out of nowhere and offers one reason.

And in a whirlwind of conversation, hanging out and riding an incredible vibration of emotion and realizing the power of intent and purpose I find out that i have much more to live for. More than I have ever given thought to. Simple actions, complex conversation and time spent gives me hope that I won't be overcome with the hood mentality to act without thinking, knee deep in emotion caused by foolishness.

My inner nigger was built on shame and illicit behavior. It has been fed all things illegal and immoral and told that if I was wronged or shamed that I should snuff out said shame by taking that person's life with no remorse.

But what if you create or have created life?

How quick would you be to end someone else's? With the exception of killing to defend you and yours, what kind of influence would you want to have for your own seed? What experiences would you want them to have in growing up in this cold cruel world? What in the hell were all of them student loans for in the first damn place?

What have I learned and what do I want to contribute to this big blue marble other than rhyme or two? How will my legacy be remembered?

I learned that folks that come in peace and leave you in pieces aren't worth you giving them thought further than the time you cried for help and a spiritual bandage while you were in pain. When that subsides... The best revenge is living well.

And creating life beyond your own... And cultivating that. I am a man of distinction, positive influence and of the spirit of the Most High. I need to get back to the essence in order to live as such. I am not the man my thoughts and unprocessed emotions want me to be.

I am who I am. Son of the Great I Am.

As far as my inner thug?

Fuck that nigger.