Days Three And Four In Denver...

Was a blur...

I think I lost a couple of pounds due the the humidity of the hot air blown by a few speakers at the convention.

I did get a well needed 90 minute deep tissue massage yesterday morning that has already started to help with muscle relief thanks to my other half. Other than that, I think it's politics as usual. In order to get stuff accomplished things will be said and done in the next 66 days that you might not either like or want to hear, so get used to it.

The talking heads, politicians, elected officials, pundits and spin doctors have done all they can do. It'll continue next week in Minneapolis and I hope folks will attend and participate with the fervor Dems had in this past week. Understand that there is a great chance there could be a Republican elected to the white house so we should at least know what the hell folks are talking about.

Well at least I hope so.

I'm hoping to grow faith in my people to the point where I'm confident that we can deliver Senator Obama.

I'm headed back to work. I can't wait to see what folks out there have to say about the convention and speakers.

and...

MY SISTER IS COMING TO TOWN!!! AND SHE'S BRINGING THE CHILLUNS!!!

Day Two In Denver: Blanket Haterism And Bad Electoral Numbers

You saw and heard it.

Once again I got a chance to speak to a bunch of folks and there's a whole gang of folk that are secretly hoping that the junior senator from Illinois loses in the general election.

There are folks that totally trashed his wife on her actions and activities from Monday night.

There were folks in the New York delegation that willingly told the media (and everyone they could for that matter) that their junior senator told them she could not tell them who exactly to vote for but she was voting for the senator from Illinois no matter what they do.

That senator's husband once again explained (to a foreign delegation observing the convention activities) how unqualified the presumptive nominee was and how prepared his wife is/was for the open seat in D.C. next year.

There are folks (mostly male, white truck drivers) that just could not understand why the nominee's wife was even involved with the convention. They even went as far as to call her divisive, unattractive (um.. she was white hot in my eyes. If I were Barack I would have wooed her ass on that big screen Monday night in front of company with no shame) and even bitter.

I'm thinking after nineteen months of campaigning, 2 biographies and all of the 'dirt' put out on Barry folks would actually admit that the know something about his ass. It seems like more excuses not to vote for him is what I get.

Excuses.

If Cindy McCain were to give the same speech, it would have been the the greatest speech ever.

Folks even bagged on the Obama kids.

Why am I putting this out here? Well, Even though John McCain said he wouldn't run a negative campaign, I'm getting at least 8 emails a day from the RNC that are borderline hate mail. I'm registered as a democrat this year only to support Senator Obama and there has been little to no negativity from the ad/marketing arm of the campaign.

Well, except from the Clintonites.

And why is James Carville walking through the building not talking to anyone?

This convention is a weird one. Lots of closet behavior and secrecy about how folks really feel. I like the Clintonites though. These folks are the only ones speaking their minds so far.

What are you doing to make sure Barack can be delivered this fall? Have you registered? Have you registered someone else? Are you even paying attention to the fact that Hillary hasn't mentioned her 18 million?

Add her 18 and Senator Obama's 18 mil up...
Think about George W. Bush getting 65 million in the last general election.
Think about certain folk that just cannot wrap their heads around a black man as president.
Think about how many votes are needed to gain 270 electoral votes.

If half of Hillary's voters are voting Obama plus 18 mil... That adds up to 27 million.

There is a lot of work to do. It'll probably take 75 million votes to get the Democratic nominee over in November.

We have to find damn near 50 million folks to vote Obama this fall. Where are they coming from and what are you doing to ensure things can change?

Remember change?

That's a whole lotta changed minds in America. I hope you're up to the challenge.

Day One In Denver: Even After Witnessing Last Night...

I was going to add my commentary to post 450 which I worked on a yesterday but I decided not to post that. No one said Senator Obama was going to win (or lose for that matter... the title for the last post was a talking point), and after talking to all of the folks I've talked to I guess he's just supposed to do that by osmosis cause' not many are qualified to vote. Even after the production last night, I talked to a bunch of people that fell in love with Michelle Obama but are either hesitant to register to vote or think that folks walking around wearing Obama t-shirts and hats already are and that's all he needs.

He ain't no saviour.
It ain't getting done just with these delegates in Denver.

There is no plan by us the people to do anything other than what we're doing right now no matter what happens in the November election. Things like your taxes, oil prices and racial status has no intention of changing after November 4th because there is no plan.

Racism ain't going anywhere.
Electing a black president won't cure the ills of America.
You gotta do that.

Every major bill presented on the floor of the congress and the senate with the exception of the housing bill president Bush just signed was filibustered into limbo making the democratic controlled congress a do-nothing unit. Since the mid-term elections they passed nothing significant and will go down in history as the most inneffective group of politians in world history.

What say you about that?

Oil speculation raised gas prices
forclosures increased tenfold
healthcare became more distant for those with insurance
the immigrant population increased by 24 million
almost 40% of all large business got tax breaks
more than 95% of working individuals paid the taxes for these businesses
Hillary raised over $130 million, McCain $185 mil and Obama over $250 mil

for an election

That's not change we can believe in.


How dare I say that Obama will lose in the title of this post, right?. I am a delegate from Illinois and even have a link over ---> there that no one has bothered to click on to go to his campaign site to learn, download the white papers and see the program proposals themselves. I am also a part of the Camp Obama plan, going out after the convention to battleground states in an attempt to register folks to vote in November.

Remember, I travel daily through 7 states.
I also live in the hood.

One thing I've noticed:

America (especially black folk) are blowing more hot air about this election than Barack and John combined. Half of us aren't even registered and all we do is talk about when Barack wins.

How does that happen?

No one did anything when congress stomped out HCon Res 4 and 10... I could go on.

No one is a part of the political process. Most folk cant even tell me about a house resolution, bill, new law or discussion anyone from their city, state or federal legislature are even working on. We the people don't know shit.

It took last night for surrogates to even come out endorse Barack. He's still running against Hillary. It took his wife for most to even want to come and attend day one of the convention. Most 'working class' folk still aren't convinced. Lord help you if you're independent because the McCain tax plan looks better than Obama's, but I guess most will never read em' and compare.

(Hint: lowering taxes are always the strong point of the republican platform - conservatives make more money and would like to keep more and still have deductions... Oh wait, that's the loose definition of conservatism)

I'm impressed with the campaigns of both John McCain and Barack Obama. It's my own fellow citizens that disappoint me. If you want change, you must first start with yourself. It won't matter who'll win in November because most aren't even prepared to discuss either point.

There is no plan. Not even for ourselves. Change starts from within.

I do not see that.

In us.

Post 450: What Will We Do When Obama Loses The General Election

The same shit we're doing right now.

More on that later.

A Post-It Note To A Nemisis... And Possible Adversary

I will never apologize for me being me
cause' that's the only thing I aspire to be
there were times in the past where you never looked to see
my actions and speech is the is that makes me free




It's not hard to know that I moved forward and you haven't
my food tastes better and the air is cleaner
I seem taller somehow and I couldn't put my finger on it until...


Until I realized that you were no longer attached to what's mine


and I didn't need stanzas or words to rhyme
cause' my heart is poetic and my soul keeps the time





No matter what is said and no matter what you do
I know the feel of free but I'm not so sure of you
you'll never overstand that it has to take a coup
to overcome the external that affects all you do

In other words... Just be you.
If you can do that, you just might make it through.


2008 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo - Sho Nuff, Ya Dig

More Money, More Problems

I'm just like everyone else.

I have too much and can't even see it. I know a lot and act as if I'm the most ignorant cat on the planet. What I know and how I do in having that knowledge is what pushes me deeper into this harmful abyss most people never recover from. It's contagious too. I spread it to folks in the past and even became a product of that kind of environment and it has let me to be the person that I am today, right now.

I, like most of us suffer from having a poverty mentality.

Its defined as having the thought patterns that things aren't going to get much better because that' all we have and all we deserve. It's a half-empty way of looking at things. I don't suffer from this all the time but there are times like right now that I do. The unnatural forces of nature that push society tricks us into thinking this way. Case in point, I bought a new car on the 5th. I was so uninterested in purchasing it that I rented a car so I couldn't drive the new one off the lot.

I know the game. There are certain cars that the dealership has to move to make room for a more profitable model, so even if you come in looking for one thing they push another and the finance companies look at what's being held as collateral before they approve the loan so one's credit has nothing to do with obtaining the loan for whatever they end up with. Unless you're firm with what you want you'll get 'special rebates and financing' aimed at forcing you to take a piece of shit out the door... And the psychology of the deal is to make you feel good about buying what you didn't want at terms you probably didn't even think of and your down payment?

A credit. Well to the eyes of the finance entity. Your cash down payment is split between the salesperson, the manager and the dealership. You just paid a car salesman's mortgage or like I did January 2006, I bought some dude a boat. He used my $3500 as a down payment for a nice little river putter his wife urged him to get. I sold the 06' Jetta when I ran off to trucking school but I know the game. This time it was $4800 that paid down some young cat's student loans. I don't even like the shit but my wife needs reliable transportation, a warranty, roadside assistance, GPS and familiarity and comfort so her transition from the last vehicle is damn near seamless and I feel like I provided that. That's my job so I deliver. I have to, I just don't have to like that shit.

I had to be an asshole in order to get the deal I wanted. It seems that bringing out my asshol-ish nature is the order or the day round these parts.

I just gotta get over the feeling that I had to act an ass to get a 'deal' that'll cost me $500 a month for the next 24 to 36 months because I had to. I should be happy that I am able to afford such things for my other half and that I have a deal to replace the vehicle with the 2010 Prius (plug-in Hybrid redesign from Toyota - look that up), but no. I feel like I put myself in some sort of financial doghouse because when you add fuel, insurance and the payment itself, there goes over $1000 monthly that could have paid for something else. But isn't everyone else going thru the same thing?

It's hard because even though I exist in a two income household, $15,000 a year for a the privilege to drive just doesn't sit well with me. It's funny because both wifey and myself have business on the side that could replace what we do employment wise in the very near future but I just feel like stuff like this somehow affects my ability to retire in Belize.

It's a thousand friggin dollars and every one else is feeling the same crunch, right? Even with the ability to write off a portion of the payment and fuel costs I still find the whole thing wrong and a waste of time and money.

So imagine how I feel about paying the house note?
And gas. electric and cable/phone for a 4 bedroom, 3 bath behemoth?
Food expenses?

If I get out of the game and move away will that make me happier?

Lord help me if I ever win the lottery (I don't play) or if our businesses explode with success. Florida and James never encountered problems like this, did they?

I should be thankful to even be in this position to burn money the way we do.

What the hell am I talking about?

Rant Alert:

Sometimes it feels like you're in it alone.

It feels like the whole world is crazy as hell and you are the only one with an ounce of sanity. I wish it wasn't the thought that crosses my mind sometimes but it is.

Sometimes.

I know I've been all over the place recently and that was not by design, it's just that damn busy round' here. Between working and creating there is no place to display my stuff any more. That used to be here, but things have changed. Every now and then I'll throw something up here (and it might be old stuff to keep me from letting the world see the new stuff) and I'll do it as catharsis but other than that, no new material makes the blog any more.

See, I got married and some of the new stuff might make my other half either blush or get mighty uncomfortable to the point where she might have to explain stuff over on her blog, and my intent is to not invader her space. Every now and then I might venture over to her place but for the most part I rarely go there. We sleep in the same bed, I don't need to check in on the internet to find out what's going on, but every now and then...

Like a handful of weeks ago I had to read that she was frustrated and wanted to give up, something we never talked about. That happens. It has happened in other relationships and I paid it no mind but this time it was my wife talking to the world because she felt that she either couldn't come to me or if she did it would force me to push her away or not understand her emotionally. I can be a cold-hearted son of a gun sometimes because for the most part nothing surprises me any more. I've experienced a lot of bullshit in my short 37 years and I know where to put bullshit these days and function within my sanity and normality.

Most people can't do that, and that kinda frustrates me. A little.

I know that the reason Obama has a short lead over McCain is because a lot of folk just can't bring themselves to vote for the black guy, no matter what the circumstance. I've witnessed folks vote against their own interest 20 years ago.

I know that there is a visible gap and distrust between the brothers and the sisters and also our elders. It seems that we complain about not being able to find a good brother or sister and for the most part never really look beyond the surface but for some strange reason we can still have sex. I know that intimacy is built outside the physical and then it heightens over time with the connection of commonality, spirit then the physical, so why doesn't everyone else know?

I know that common sense ain't as common as most would like to think. I keep hearing horror stories relating to health care and the lack thereof, and I keep hearing about the 'imbalance' caused by our dependence on drugs and how we revel in drug culture. We contribute to a failing health care system by putting the things the death merchants (fast food, birth control, hormones, caffeine, pharmaceuticals, tobacco) want us to put in our bodies and then run to doctors to get more drugs not meant to cure the problem but prolong the sick.

I know that we continue to drop the ball when it comes to standing up for ourselves. We have the right to form a militia, the right to bear arms and the right to freedom of speech and the right to protest non-violently. I also know that we as a people (the working poor, minorities, women, etc) have not stood for anything regarding fair housing, equal school funding, police brutality/racial profiling and the like. We let a presidential administration and a do-nothing congress let damn near 30% of all big businesses not pay taxes while the employees did, cater to pharmaceutical companies and big oil and march thousands of our troops off to an unnecessary war. I guess we don't really care.

I know that we have to pay the bills, but I have yet to read on those celebrity gossip blogs how to take advantage of the new tax laws and increase out detectability for FY 08'. How it makes sense for one person in a married couple to stay home to reduce the taxes damn near 30% because a two income home is taxed on two separate incomes and a one income home isn't and how there are 3 times as many deductions as well as additional credits available ( for each dependent as well as writing off 40% of rent, fuel and the car payment) which means a large end of year return, reduced costs and the availability of a parent regulator at home with the children which saves money on daycare and brings a sense of much needed discipline and family closeness to a household. I think Alyson and Langston can speak on that one. Folks be crying broke but can still fill up that gas tank.

I know that we have a communication problem with each other. All we have to do is talk. With the advent of cellphones, text messaging and email, I'm sure talking across the dinner table has been replaced with funky emoticons and fancy symbols.

I know that folks like Lil Wayne have replaced cats like Chuck D as role models.

I know that sex feels so good to my young sisters and brothers that folks still ain't wearing condoms to the point that your jump off will jump you the fuck off. Right onto a permanent regimen of AZT. Which means if you're dipping off on your spouse or significant other you can commit murder with your sex organ.

I'm just rambling at this point...

But I feel like I'm the only one that knows stuff like this. I get frustrated and bored with everything outside my lil' stretch of reality because this existence just doesn't feel real. But not anymore. Sometimes it's just best to stay indoors and not touch anything. And that's sad because I used to love getting out and exploring.

Mortality

I spent my weekend celebrating life in white...


While others left this plane moving towards the next. And I thought about them but I did not mourn. I thanked the Creator for all that he has given us through them and smiled about what they gave us. I got a little happy when I realized that I have damn near all of the DVDs, MP3s or LPs of the recently departed and knew that I would always have them right there to comfort me.

That's all that matters.

And then I move on because I'm still here, and which means I have been given work to do and I have to complete my journey. Not that folks can remember me and pay tribute when I leave here or somethinoranother but to just be fufilled.

By life.
By my life's work.
By my wife and family.
By my friends, and even my enemies.

Be not afraid of death and know that we all have a purpose. So when our tour of life's duty is completed you and I can make an exit with no regrets. Don't cry for those that left us, use those energies to do something now for those you care about, even those you don't even know exist because they will no longer suffer if we intervene.

There are folks still alive here, right now so close to us that are hungry and destitute...

What will we do about them? Ourselves?
Our souls are waiting for those answers.

Remember, we are just mere mortals but through our actions (just like Brothers McCullough and Hayes) we can still change the world.

They did.

Think you can't?

Friday...

I'm blogging from my smartphone as I wait in the lobby of a physical rehab center. Oh no, not that... I'm okay, just taking a physical and this place is covered.

I realize that in the past few months I've really been ranting about politics and such and the only time I've blogged about personal stuff was when my wife and I had our little episode. Don't worry, we'll have difficulties in the future like most newer couples do and I'll probably have something to say about that...

I bought a new car Tuesday and I am insulted that some people have to go thru that sales pitch bullshit. I know sales strategies and I also worked as a loan officer for a major residential mortgage lender back in the day and there is one thing I know about auto sales... It's all a sham.

I shocked the shit out of those guys Tuesday. I came in, knew what I wanted, bought it and left. I didn't even drive the damn thing off the lot. I went and picked up my other half from work and let her do the honors (um yes, there was another car) because nothing about auto sales either impresses or excites me. Hooray. I got another bill.

I brought up something to my wife the other day that I studied as a kid and her interest peaked causing her to study because even though she went to a HBCU, she didn't have much info on this very relavant topic and I find that amazing that the teaching of black history is overlooked in favor of curriculum focus (classes rooted to one's major) even in traditionally black schools.

So I'll ask you about it:

Why are the debates between Frederick Douglass and Susan B. Anthony damed important RIGHT NOW and what does and will it mean for the future of the social climate here in the good ol' US of A?

If you know about what impact that had and how it has influenced behavior all the way to the now, then you know what's about to happen in a mere few weeks in Denver.

Oh, it's time to get it cracking... They're mispronouncing my name... Again.

Peace, y'all

Something's Gotta Give

A Year Ago This Weekend...

This time last year I made it back to Chicago after trying to re-establish myself in Houston, Texas.

Things didn't work out like I wanted them to.

I just wanted to get on my feet and find a way to fall in love with the new, Southwestern me, but I realized after struggling to find my place, working as an insider in Uncle Tom's Cabin (Shell Oil, damn big oil), and trying to avoid a relationship I wasn't trying to have because I didn't know who I was or what my role was... Was a lot of work.

I broke a promise and never looked back weeks after getting back here to Chicago, but I had no clue I'd be here, right now.

Happy.

And married.

What the fuck? I got married back in December.


I heard the stories. I read the complaints. I heard my name in the mouths of many a brown blogger that I was some man whore, hell bent on screwing at least one third of the female population via my big rig. That I traveled to Houston under false pretenses and broke some young woman's heart when I abruptly left her high and dry... Wow, I wish I could have had the heart to have been half that dude because it seemed like he was having fun.

That dude wasn't me, and I never complained about that. Still ain't gonna'.

I wish I was getting the ass some said I was getting on my escapades. I would have had some great tales of conquest to tell, but... It didn't go down like that for me in Houston, in Salt Lake City or while I was on the road.

I made mistakes in 2007, I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be and I corrected that mistake a year ago this weekend.

I never knew that the woman who would be my wife would be in Chicago and that we would have the adventures we had that led up to us falling in love and getting married in Vegas. She had been someone that I had flirted with since 2005 and someone I could call friend. All of that friend shit went out of the window when she just so happened to be in Chicago when I was coming off the road. That weekend, those moments and that first kiss...

Yeah, I was sold on dating her from that point, but never did I know that we would be all up in Home Depot a year later looking at paint swatches for the bedrooms and moving furniture into our second living room (it's a compound, I tell ya, just enough space to get away from each other when we ain't in love).

I left Houston pretty much the way I came: confused and directionless. Even though I got an incredible offer of employment that came out of nowhere (because the job I wanted called me at the last minute and told me they didn't want me) I still had no clue what would be in store for me when I got back to Chicago.

The person I had confidence in straight flipped on me and opened up to me after I left and then a few weeks later spoke to the folks investigating me for the job I got in Chicago last year. Did you know that prevented me from getting the security clearance I needed for the job and I lost out on a shitload of salary and bonuses that I was going to use to compensate that person, and I ended up not getting that position and ended up with a lesser paying one and damn near lost that one because I needed that damn security clearance?

I'm not angry about that anymore, but that did cause me to get as angry as I have been since my drinking days in the Army. I even plotted to go back to Texas and confront folks over that but my money was funny and then I decided to break my promise to them and with the help of my brother, best friend and dad I just walked away and left that shit alone.

And a few weeks later I was running around Chicago with... My wife.

And it kept happening. And then we created the patented (pending) Hassan Traveling/Shacking System

Midwest
West Coast
Midwest
West Coast

Labor Day came, and then She was with the fam at Thanksgiving, and we were driving down I-5 to places unknown in Southern Oregon for Sunday Brunch and then days later we were on Michigan Avenue downtown Chicago...

And now a year later and damn near a year married here I am.

In the time that I traveled back to Chicago I thought I was falling back in love with the city because I missed all of the events, people and atmosphere it had to offer but that wasn't it.

I was falling in love with myself.

And then I was able to fall in love with her.

And then we brought it together here in Chicago. She surprised me when she found a job here and said to me: "Let's go home"

I never thought it was possible for me to find myself, find my love and find a home here in this place, all in the span of one year. I thought it was impossible.

Now I know that nothing is impossible.


Husband, Homeowner and Hunter-Gatherer

I never knew that could be me. What a year.

You...

                                                                   
                                                                 
                                                                 
                                         
What is it that you do to keep me in curiosity?

How do you weave that spell, conjuring up unrelenting interest from








all the way over there?









It was your convo
I saw your passion
I got to read your mind
I felt your words

And then I met you.

Your fingertips blazed phrases in my direction,
translating interpretation
of said words from your soul
into newly defined adjectives
of what you want your life to be.

All you had to do is ask
and I could have proofread your living journal,
edited myself into your diary, cutting, pasting
crafting short tales of satiation
and long entries of salvation
with a slew of stories about happiness
that would make the ornery blush
and the dignified jealous.

Your momma could have read it and smiled.


I knew that you've placed emotion
that you cannot direct
at the presence of a human void
into the children you yearn to mold,
yet your shape in the scheme of things is illiformed.

I'd like to dig my hands
with the help of my mind
and the focus of my spirit into your clay,
make shapes that will serve as foundation
and probably build a home.

In the spirit first.

All I could ever hope for is dialogue and prayer.
Maybe we can take the leftover alphabet
and unused phrases
and build a bond of trust
that neither of us would ever want to violate.
Assemble bridges based on faith
and then
cross over into newfouldland
whenever you're ready to model your new outfit of self.

I hope it's form fitting.
2008 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo  -   Sho Nuff! - Ya Dig?

Damn Idiot Box... Or Damn Idiots?

My foolish ass listened to CNN last night on my XM joint as I drove...

the 'Black In America' joint I already held as suspect because of who put it together.

I'm not disappointed but that was bad TV right there, even though my wife and cousin in Cali told me over and over again that ol' girl the host (half Cubano/half Irish and non-related to the hood) was connected to us...

Yeah, she was a deer in the headlights and black folk randt (yes, that's a new word I made up) her stank ass over with sorrow and struggle.

I've struggled. I've been in sorrow but...

That bullshit I listened to last night does not represent me. There is more to my beloved family, friends and even enemies that look like me.

Utter bullshit.

Like we need to be presented to America like some anomaly. People already know us. Let's not let a bi-racial presidential candidate paint us in a corner where we feel like we need to be re-presented to the rest of the world like we're some secret or something. We ain't never hid ourselves and no one has to hit the reset button like we just popped up. We've been here and we are Americans. And we have triumphed and succeeded a numbers like you never know if you were never taught. And we are only 12%. And that's down from being damn near 40% right after slavery.

Respect yourself.

If you do, then folks won't continue to get tasered to death, or shot 50 times while unarmed, or our blind grandmothers won't get tasered or shot in her front yard and the folks that get away with it won't get away.

And quit being mad at Sharpton, Jackson, Madison and others for trying to do for you because you're too lazy to stand for yourself.

A question:

Why is it we push our elders to the side and other cultures just don't do that?

It seems that I've heard more folks tell Jesse to step aside and that he's too old and is outdated when he JUST pushed legislation to get the mortgage industry to get back to focusing on us. Interesting. John McCain is 71 and 68% of a new polling audience (which include black folks in said poll) said he is more presidential than Obama because of his age.

No respect for the black man or woman. No respect for ourselves. Fools we are.

And now you let someone outside of the hood put a program on TV that objectifies us?

Then God damn us.
God damn America for that matter.
God damn being 'Black In America'.

We continue to damn ourselves. It makes great TV though.

Ask Flavor Flav.

Or Soledad O'brien.

Same shit, different channel, right?

Close Your Eyes And Listen

because it doesn't matter who the messenger is...




Sometimes you just gotta hear the message.


And then do something.

.

.

.

There are times where I wonder why I even stopped myself from ending my life.

Sometimes.


There are other times where I love being here and can't wait for tomorrow.

I am just a man.

I make decisions that affect other people's lives now and I hate that I have such an influence.

But I want to have all that I deserve and can afford and sometimes, that's a lot for one person.


I am not a nice person by choice.

I can only think of a few that I actually trust, and one of them ain't my momma.


I have shitted on a few and have been shat upon by 95% of those I have chosen to open my life to. In some cases, I have gone back for more.
Shit is a waste material that is devoid of life, how can I continue to survive in this universe on a diet of feces?

Suffering is a part of growth, growth is a part of understanding the essence of end results of suffering. Some of those I came into contact with are better off on the other side of the sufferage extended to them on my behalf.

When is the right time to smile in the midst of hardship?

How will folks interpret it?
Am I meant to smile?

Is everything supposed to be struggle?

The one thing I know is that my happiness is dependent on my internal satisfaction of how I deal with the universe.

There are so many more external things on this plane that can invade the darkness in my soul and can transform them to light.

If I shine on you, will you use that light to see?
Or will you hold your hands up to block that light?

What happens when my flame flickers and goes out?


Maybe I should stop holding my breath. I might need a little air to keep that fire going.

Something has to fuel the struggle.

Just know that the fire inside will never make me someone you can get along with.
The light sometimes hurts my own eyes.

And sometimes, I'll do something for the greater good that just doesn't seem to make sense.

At least that's what it seems like to me.






Whatever...


I could be wrong, and half the time I usually am, but does that make you right?

I Spent My Weekend With...

(Little Bruh and I)


The Kids In The Hall
Immortal Technique
Jay Electronica



Murs

(us pictured below, talking campaign finance between sets)

(Cop that new album and register to vote!)



Rakim w/Kid Capri as his DJ
Redman and Method Man
De La Soul
Mos Def
Dead Prez

The reunited Pharcyde


and



closed things out




A weekend well spent rocking the bells

How was your weekend?

An Open Letter To All My Niggers... I Hate You

There wasn't supposed to be a blogpost from Monday.

I'm not angry at The New Yorker or the artist. I should be but let me explain something.


If Bill Richardson who has Mexican blood running through his veins were the presumptive nominee for the Democratic party and the satirical drawing was of him wearing a sombrero and there were border and stereotypical Mexican items and objects in said drawing, how many Mexicans including companies, special interest groups and immigration advocates would cry foul?

If Senator McCain were depicted in a POW box, door cracked open, laying in his belly, head in hand as he worked a crossword puzzle with VC guards in the background chilling while other US troops were seen in the background strung up... Would we have heard a word or two from his support base?

Well...

I'm angry at the so-called negro in America.

You are so used to being disrespected that you (we) let this happen. Again.

How much longer will you let yourself be disrespected in America? See, the rub is that even though we make up only 12% of the population here, damn near 80% of the news shows us in a bad light. Black folk have never made up the majority of welfare recipients but let corporate media tell it...

Black folk currently have a 3% unemployment clip...
Black folk have a high rate of undergraduate participation...
Yeah, we know that 1 out of every 9 black men are incarcerated but what about the other eight?
Even though we make up a little over 10%, how is it we seem to be the cause of most of America's ills?


We let certain parts of the media tell us that we aren't shit.

We let them.

Whenever we purchase certain products and services
Whenever we keep the TV on
Whenever we go see a movie
Whenever we purchase a vehicle or buy fuel for it
Whenever we listen to the radio

We wanted to be equal to white folk and others after slavery so badly that we sold our souls in order to stand with them, and we let them say and do things to us that have been way beyond fair and balanced.

And for the most part, the struggle lives on.

The cover of that magazine was actually a joke on the masses that believe those things about Senator Obama and his family, but how many got it? I was listening to Bev Smith's radio show the other night and she asked a brother who proclaimed himself to be educated and applauded the release of the cover to the public and said that people got it. She asked him to speculate how many folks percentage-wise using America as whole how many he think 'got it'. He stated that may 30% (and that was being generous) actually knew that the joke was on them. So she asked about the other 70% that just could not get it. You know, those of us who have never purchased this elitist, left-wing publication because nothing about its layout, articles or ads or other satirical covers are catered to regular, working class adults and the brother stated that he just did not know what kind of reaction the 70 would have.

In a age where we let TV, marketing schemes and hearsay tell us what is fact or not it doesn't take much to get others to believe rumor, hearsay or gossip about someone, something or some movement.

20% of Democratic voters believe Senator Obama is muslim.
68% of foreign born, registered voters believe he is not a patriot.

Wait...

You ain't even from here and you get to determine who is patriotic based on TV coverage, rumor and innuendo?

Yeah, and black men are lazy and irresponsible.
And all black women are whores
And fried chicken, watermelon and anything with high fructose corn syrup are deal breakers
And we can shole' score some touchdowns
And we are dumb as shit and cannot articulate the English language

I can go on...

It burns my ass that we used to have a movement, and 'black pride' was not a phrase that would set off telecom indicators to record your cell phone conversation due to it being terrorist in nature. I am disappointed to see shoulder shrugs when it comes to the word nigger and false and untrue information being disseminated to the rest of America when it comes to black people.

Nothing good is worth having if you don't fight for it.

We stopped fighting for ourselves a while ago. Right after we had that glass of Kool-Aid, them 3 fried chicken wings and that Newport 100.

We finally have achieved complete nigger status.

We just let anyone old someone disrespect us whenever they want to. I guess the itis kicks in and we get too tired to fight. The fact that some ministers, churches, lodges, fraternities and sororities, urban development organizations, a few politicians, publications, cable news outlets and celebs of all types being on the payroll to niggerfy you has finally paid off.

So to all of you niggers and niggas (I didn't forget about you n.i.g.g.a.s.), boss bitches,baby mammas and babbydaddies, real mutha fucking G's, O.G.'s, playas and macks, to the pimps and hustlers as well as the hard working brothers and sisters, single parents, diligent, hard working African-Americans, elders and those in the black community I forgot... Thank you.

We as a whole will continue to let a small chosen few dictate to us who we are as a people and think nothing of it as we shrivel in numbers and die without a voice. That saddens and disappoints me, but for the most part, most folk won't even care. You have a choice in this matter. Overstand that you are free and can do something in your freedom to demand the respect you have earned in time and duty and as a descendant of those that built this.

We worked too hard to be treated like this. The real question is do you care or have you given up? If you have, then I need you to go somewhere and die quickly because you have become nothing but dead weight on my back because I am free and will continue this fight.

I will not let high fructose corn syrup, sizzurp or lean for that matter, nicotine or pork, THC, sickle cell anemia or diabetes, fancy spinning rims or fresh crispy T's, new Jordans or iced out chains, remarkably bad hip hop songs from unproven rappers with no learned skillset, handshake deals at a conclave or boule, six figure job in the form of hush money, big booty hoes, prescription drugs or overlooking friends who graduated from high school with me 20 years ago screwing a 15 year old, corporate financed preachers and politicians, bullshit publications in the name of hip hop, restaurant advertising campaigns, malt liquor or any new hard liquor related product marketed by some rapper, internet gossip and rumor sites as well as falsehoods spread over the web via myspace, facebook or bullshit blogs, or even hip hop and R&B radio stations that play the same shit 100 times a day, corporate owned cable new networks or even the dudes from the barbershop distract me from knowing that I'm free and doing what I can to live and thrive in that freedom.

If I am alone, the the rest of you are collateral damage. I'll just step over you and keep moving forward. And I should. You push me and I'll pull you. You fall and I'll pick you up. You refuse to get up and I'll let you stay there if that's what you want to do.

Do something, I dare you to.

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.
-- Goethe

Worth A Thousand Words

Sometimes, words just will not do. I'll be back later with my diatribe, you can trust that.

Until then, what in the hell do YOU have to say about it?
Remember, this is a left wing rag.

Focus

The world is still the world, no matter what type of dressing is put over this rotten salad. I never knew that salad dressing could distract one from eating a whole meal. Back in the day we used to push the salad to the side and dig into the main course. Back in the day there was no cable news or internet either.

From the end of slavery to the great depression, African Americans went from illiterate and ignorant to doctors, lawyers, politicians, writers and musicians that still influence us today. That is almost a 70 year cycle in which a civilization of people went from nothing to something. It is the biggest turn around and development of human socialization in the history of the world.

And we're letting Fox News and things of the like pretty much reverse that?

Wow.

I say what I mean and mean what I say. If I get caught saying something in private I'm unapologetic and need not explain what I meant by it. Jesse got caught and should not have to answer to anyone for his statements. 54 years as an OG in civil rights and if I'm not mistaken we were all on his jock when he was the only 'Black Leader' that spoke against the Bush administration when it came to refinancing bad mortgages. He also challenged congress to pass a bill (that got to the floor and passed) to re-fi and protect folks in foreclosure. Jesse was wrong in what he said, but this has nothing to do with the campaign. Jesse isn't the only leader in the black community and does not speak for every black person. Quit treating him like such, acknowledge what has been built by him and others, hold them responsible for their shit, move on and stay focused on the election this fall and get people registered, informed and motivated to make change.

Sheeee-yit. Focus, people

The economy isn't really that bad, but a looming crisis is not in our minds. Phil Graham did John McCain in with the working poor that thought about voting for him this fall by saying that there is a 'mental recession' as opposed to it being really real. I lived overseas and when fuel and food prices went up the people did not eat or drive. Don't complain about gas and diesel while you stand at the pump. Understand that small business make this country run. Remember Bio-sphere?

Knee deep into the bio-sphere experiment (which is a closed ecological experiment) it had to be shut down because unseen micro organisms died off which meant larger organisms could not grow or thrive. Think of our economy in the light of a closed ecological system. Small unseen micro organisms (small businesses) support larger ones, and if they fail, the larger ones (big oil, tobacco, banks and pharmaceutical companies) adjust by taxing mid sized species (the working American populous). We can't end the experiment, we have to resuscitate the unseen micro orgs by stimulous. That means more deductions and removing easements that prohibit lateral movement for the small business owner. That also means equal tax breaks and lower rates (just like congress gives to big business) should be given to small businesses as well as ease in acquiring land and unused spaces for said business to operate.

The government gives you a $0.58 cents per gallon write off when you purchase fuel to drive to work.

You get to deduct a portion of your rent, mortgage car payment, office supplies, travel and dining if its related to work or business.

I could go on, but if I tell all the secrets I'd be complaining about gas prices too.


As long as you stay unfocused and uninformed, you will complain too. Keep talking about what Jesse said outside of that news cycle and watch John McCain take the white house. Instead of stimulating the entire economy, get back on point about stimulating the smaller businesses.

You have everything to do with that.

Get back on point people.

Are You Awake? She is... And So Am I

Sorry to disappoint but there is nothing bad to report about my marriage here.

No fighting.

No arguments.

Nobody left or for that matter planned on leaving.



A couple of weeks ago I put it out there that I thought my marriage was going to fade like Mike Tyson would say - 'to Bolivia'. I asked you guys how can I save my marriage and I even suggested for the good of my wife's well being me stepping aside.

I meant that.

I got a ton of personal emails and so did my other half. The missus gets a lot of negative email from a certain portion of her readership that wants to know what spell she put on me to have gotten me to commit to her (specifically) in the first damn place. My email as well as the spouse's on this here blog were supportive and informative.

That ish right there leads me to the answer most of them sisters (and a few misters) are looking for. Fear.

See, my wife is trying to shake doubt, fear and frustration and some folks can help project that more than others, I respect all of those that responded either by blog or by personal email, or by myspace and facebook for that matter. I appreciate yall's concern and I really do listen. My frustration with my other half's frustration was clear to me and she was clear in her frustration.

Those things get worked out. Most things that happen in our relationship happen at the Ntimbanjayo compound, and this was no exception. We never discussed my post or hers in detail. Matter of fact, I got home a little late off the road and the night of our anniversary we went out to the spot where we had our first date and had a few drinks, a cool dinner and got some sleep after some cool ass pillow talk.

Just like every other night.
I'm speaking of the pillow talk.

Things have been mostly regular around here, but I still take exception to my wife telling me everything but her thought of giving up a few weeks ago. I had to read those thoughts on her blog. The only thing I urged is that she indicate to me the times she gets frustrated. Just let me know first so I can act on it. I understand that I get pushy and am so detail oriented that I will cause the average cat to clam up, I just don't expect that from my wife, so she got called on that.

I know relationships have ups and downs so this doesn't phase me in the least. I will keep pushing and stay on top of her (even though she likes to mount me... she's a bouncer) because we have work to do. We love each other and choose to be with each other good or bad. I know that I can come off like a cyborg sometimes, but this is my marriage. This woman is my life, the best thing to happen to me and I will not let frustration take over our marriage so when I don't know I will come to y'all because based on the reading of blogs that I do, some of y'all have been married and most still are.

I also understand that actions are clear and concise. Getting to the promised land means budgets and balancing, time spent as well as financial planning. There will be late dinners as well as late payments in the struggle to make things work between two people from different backgrounds making house and making babies to fill said house. I am unapologetic in my goal to make my wife happy. If that means after trying every which way but Sunday and agreeing to disagree than that's what I'll do.

That's my job as a man.

Know this. If you tell me that you want to have a great life and you want to share that with me then know that I will hold your feet to the fire. Know that every action is supposed to get us there and any reason we cannot get there is an excuse. To have a great life time must be spent building that and I will not let work, bills and outside family members get in the way. I understand that in order to run the compound we must work straight jobs and claim a paycheck but there is an entrepreneurial spirit that lives in my heart and in this relationship that can provide all that we need. I will not let the "I gotta work to pay these bills which means I gotta spend more time away from you/us which means we won't talk as much or have dinner and I forgot to call cause' of work so you misunderstood what I meant - wait there's another bill so I need to work more or get an extra job to cover that expense which means more time away you... Sorry" mentality take over my household.

Waaay too much talent and desire to stand on our own as well as history of being independent of how society does it businesswise in this family for us to fall into that work thing now. Waaay too much at stake to stay fallen on the ground. I expect a stronger presence in my presence and we will not fail. Sometimes I will ask for your help in not letting us fail. I don't live in a cloud of fear and neither does my wife but we both reserve the right to get tired and cry for help.

To answer the questions emailed to my wife, that's how she got me to commit to her. She stood when a lot of you (and some of you I know or know about) were either not willing or were too weak or muddled in excuses to stand. I can accept that from some but I also can see who wanted to get up when they were knocked down. At the time I was looking, the woman who became Mrs. Ntimbanjayo was standing and the rest of you...

Well...

Wake the fuck up.

Sometimes I might be required to wipe a little cold from her eyes. But that's what a husband is supposed to do. We all ain't built or equipped to take on the shit. I was built to muddle thru it and fight it off because I see the light at the end.

Some folks stay asleep and still can't even dream of what we see. For those that fall into that category, I pray for you.

You snooze, you lose. I'm an insomniac.

I have something to live for, and I'm willing to fight the entire universe to stay alive.

Nothing else matters but life. For those that continue to lurk here wishing us death, well... Death will come onto you and I hope it's swift and merciless. Oh, you thought I wouldn't address you? I see you when you come here and you wish us to fail. Sad, I went damn near two weeks not blogging and you were tuning in to see failure on the regular. Daily.

I mostly pray for you.

Death doesn't live here, so take that shit somewhere else, aiight? Matter of fact, keep coming back, and keep sending email too. We'll show you how happiness and life is done, seeing as you like to lurk.

For the rest of you... Thanks. Love goes out to y'all.