I'm not mad today

Now you can go and get that nap you were talking about a while ago.

Rest my great elder, and I will see you when I take mine.


Thank you.

The Results Are In...

So later today I get my HIV test results. I can't believe it's been a week already since world AIDS day. So many of us didn't even know. So many more don't even bother to get tested. Most of us are scared. Like knowing that you aren't HIV positive is better than knowing if you are? I guess sometimes we forget that we affect other people and shit, huh? And what about him or her? Are you concerned that because you don't know you'll fuck up their flow? I get it, you're embarrassed.


You remember that slip up 6 months ago.
You never expected to cheat on him/her.
You didn't have time to put the condom on.
Oh baby you like it raw.
It just doesn't feel right.
I know that he/she's clean, right?
They looked/smelled/tasted/felt clean...
They never tested, so why should I?
I've only had one, maybe two sex partners.
Dude, I've been sex free since 2003 so why should I bother?

Because we need to know.


I went to the city last Thursday to a facility that stays crowded months and days before and after world AIDS day. This place is a popular spot. A lot of testing and counseling goes on here all the time, and plus you can get all of your supplies here free of charge. A lot of classes are given at this place, and it's on the cusp of Boystown, so that's why I chose to go there. I knew it would be crowded and stocked to the tills and they'd have their shit together to test and counsel; and I'd run into some folks I know. I have a few friends in the community and yup I saw dude and his partner. We used to work together and he always bragged about his other. I Finally got a chance to meet him, turns out that he's a smart, successful good looking guy. Sorry sisters, dude plays for the other team is all I could think when we were talking. I've always had
friends that did their own thing, so I don't judge or act like a deer in headlights like some people I know. I saw one couple that I used to hang out with, sad thing is there were few couples, black couples that came out to be tested. I wish there were more chocolate folk in the place seeing as we're affected by HIV/AIDS more than anyone else. I made some phone calls from the center and everyone I spoke to that day didn't even know what December 1 signified. That pisses me off, because I'd get details and exploits and shit if they met someone new and exchanged body fluids.


My friends are ignorant.
I've come to terms with that.


I'm not nervous because I feel like I've been a good kid. I guess by the time the afternoon gets here, I'll feel a little apprehensive in getting my results back, but right now, blah. I have my own slip ups to own up to and I'm not ashamed of making them. I've been cheated on before, but I ended that on the moment I found out. Believe it or not, in my time here I've only had 'X' many partners, so my partner list is low. I still wanna know and feel that I should have reference so that she can know too. Hell, I might just drum up my 3 credit reports and my FD 258 (federal fingerprint report) so that she she can get a background check as well as know the private me. Getting tested should be a pre req to dating anyway, you never know when a slip up can occur.

The plans for the non profit are coming together nicely. Still researching location, but I brought in 2 people on the dream. Nice that their willing to help. I really can't say exactly what I'm doing
right now, but trust it will be good for the hood. And it'll save my ass from going back to corporate America for good. More to come.

Am I the only one obsessed and impressed by 'Sleeper Cell'? Between 'Lost' and this one, TV is good for me. I normally used the tube to watch touchdowns, home runs and 3 pointers. It's been hard for a brother like myself to actually watch TV and enjoy it. I did TiVo 'The Boondocks' and 'Everybody Hates Chris' and I must say that I won't be watching those anymore. Boondocks is straight disappointing. Period. They just replaced Dave Chappelle in using "nigger" more times in a 30 minute timeslot than the KKK in a paid advertisement. For those that don't know, Google Richard Pryor and check his quote on the word "nigger" upon his return from Mother Africa (see you in 2006!) and get back with me. As for Chris Rock, I lived as a poor kid in the big city (Chicago) in the 80's as well, a lot of things are very similar except we had even less money. The show is boring... To me. Seems like he's explaining how our the culture evolved to them other folks. Great look, and great cast, and that's how I came to the realization that this show is not for us. We know that story, they don't. Pass.

The hole has been patched

In the name of the Most High, I greet you...

With a dry living room floor and promises of newly painted walls and new carpeting as well as no rent due in December, I feel good. It seems like when everything goes well, something evil always has to rear its ugly - ass head. I come home last week and I don't notice the wetspot on the living room carpet. My cats are wet. I didn't get it. Seeing as all my doors and windows are closed and locked, I had to investigate.
I called the cats into the dining room area and offered hot chocolate. The lil grey one Ladybug started to meow feverishly, I had to interrupt:

That's right now close your mouth
'Cause you cold busted
Now just sit down here, sit down here
I'm so upset with you I don't know what to do
You know my first impulse was to run up on you
And do a Rambo
I was about to jam you and flat blast both of you
But I didn't wanna mess up this thirty-seven hundred dollar lynx coat
So instead I chilled -- That's right chilled

I knew that there was another reason these mischievous felines were soaking wet in a dry house. I didn't see the puddle, it was small at the time. I had to let em know that I was going to find out where the water came from. I'm not even thinking anymore, I'm yelling at two defenseless cats:

What were you thinking?
You don't mess with the Juice!
I gave you catnip, chew toys and padded pillowbeds.
I gave you things you couldn't even pronounce!
But now I can't give you nothing but advice.
Cause you're still young, yeah, you're young.
And you're gonna find somebody like me one of these days
Until then, you know what you gotta do?
You gotta get on outta here with that alley-cat-coat-wearing,
punch-bucket-shoe-wearing, wet ass crumbcake I saw you with.
Cause you dismissed!
That's right, Silly rabbit, tricks are made for kids, don't you know that.
You without me is like corn flakes without the milk!
This is my world.
You're just a squirrel trying to get a nut!
Now get on outta here. Scat! Don't touch that coat...


So I come home a few days ago and found that what was a small puddle in my carpet was a mini lake in my living room! So this is where the cats got their swim on. I initially had beef with the powers that be when I reported it, but now things are good, cause blessings come to those that need to be blessed. I kept it humble and focused on getting the leak fixed. We're dry now. I'm happy.

Now I get my space back for my yoga and Qi Gong pacings.
Laying on the floor, putting ink to paper... Exactly what I needed.











I ain't trying to see death, disease or the pennitentary

And they're replacing the carpet, cleaning the walls and not charging me for December. Merry Christmas!!!







Sorry about posting late. I have a plumber and my landlord in my living room right now.

And a big ass hole in my floor.

And lots of water.

We're fixing it (well, I'm waching) right now

I'm posting later.

The Christmas Thing

I got tagged earlier this week by Groove, so I must oblige and return the favor. I have a small problem, I haven't done the Christmas thing since I was a kid. Hell, I can't even remember anything related to it. I never had any emotional attatchment or any interaction regarding that whole December 25 thang as an adult, so don't trip. Until recently, Christmas meant nothing to me. Maybe one day I'll have a reason to get all in it. Maybe one day soon. Positive people have a way of changing you. One thing, I don't do trees, Santa and anything not having to do with the birth of the Messiah... Very unnecessary.

Now Kwanza, that's another thing....


On with the show!


1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Had a little egg nog back in the day.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? I think the tree thing is very pagonistic, never had one. Never participated in gift giving.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Never decorated.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Never did that either.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Never paid attention...

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Dunno.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Having both of my parents home at the same time. They always worked and I guess somebody had to pay for the Christmas stuff. I can't remember what we got though.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? Never believed or was told about him. Heard about Santa from the kids at school.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Haven't had a Christmas gift since I was a kid... Can't even remember.

10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? What?

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Neutral... Grew up in the Midwest, there's a lot of it.

12. Can you ice skate? No

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? No. Never had one.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? I don't think I have an important thing... I usually use those days for rest and vacation stuff away from people.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Don't have one.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? That either.

17. What tops your tree? I believe that those trees are idols, in a pagan-ish way.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? I'm a giver. I don't like receiving things from people. You don't owe me anything.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol? Nothing there either...

20. Candy Canes! No thank you.



I guess I'm living proof that one can exist on this planet and not be a Christmas person. Somehow, I found a way to just step through that whole holiday madness thing and I'm not apologetic for it. I was raised in the church and was taught that all the mass hysteria and non-Christ activity was straight blasphemous. My beliefs have changed as I've grown older, but I am a believer in Christ and his teachings. I also believe that a lot of the actions done during this time of the year takes all of the principles of Christianity away and replaces them with weird ass things not having to do with the birth of Jesus. Whatever. Not much of a Euro-participater, seeing as our principles and beliefs were taken away upon our ancestors arrival here in the 'new world'. Just my opinion. But I do Kwanza real big.

Thursday, December 1, 2005

Sometimes you have a lot to say, today... I have nothing. Yet.


Something will come to me soon.


Oh, and get tested.


I will.


Knowing is okay.


There are a bunch of places offering to suck your blood and test it for free today, take advantage of it.

Not knowing is spreading.


Get aware. Google some shit about HIV and AIDS if you hafta.


Just know.


I love all of y'all, and I ain't going out like that.


You shouldn't have to either.


Take my skeleton- ass, not much of a post serious and use the resources put out today to get aware, or more aware, or to make someone else aware.

We're dying cause we shame to know... or tell.

I don't wanna leave...

Alarm clock sounds...

I fight the day by closing my eyes.
Tighter.
I smell you.
Can't go back to sleep, forehead moist.
This morning, I rise!

The morning urge to have you wrap yourself around me
has taken over.

Sheets are damp,
heavy breathing, eyes roll back and my mouth is dry.
My hands tremble as I try to wake you.
We will be late getting to work today,
But my morning drive will be filled with
Satisfaction.

We became one as the sun rose,
exchanging the juices that makes my day flow.

An hour passes,
to break the physical bond will break my flow.
Don't stop...
Yank my locks, scratch my skin, exclaim joy
but call my name softly.

And call my job, I need the rest of the day off...

I got housework to do.



copyright 2005 Hassan Ntimbanjayo (I just wrote this...) and yeah, I said it!!!


I must come clean about some things. I felt like I haven't had self worth as of late. I lost confidence in myself. I didn't think that I had people in my corner and acted like nobody cared. My actions hurt people, and for that I am truly sorry. I thought if I pulled myself away from everything that I would be okay. I was wrong, all that did was isolate me in negativity and push my loved ones farther away. All of the things I do and all of the people I love and love me exist because this is what the Creator has blessed me with. I forgot about his will. I wanted to run from family problems and suppressed emotions. I needed to open my eyes and be glad in God's blessing. Some folks don't have as much as I do.

There are people who love me. There are opportunities for me to excel in. There are projects that I need to complete that will make me happy and create a fellowship with those that have the same interests as I from parts far and wide. I have a life to enjoy. I have someone to share new experiences with and build and grow. I cannot compromise this. It means too much to me.

I need to get back to basics, so I'm back on my fast. When I wake up, the first hour of the day was for meditation and reflection about all things. I will now re-focus my energies during this time on one thing: the betterment of self through giving and spiritual strength. I will continue to blog, and schedule time to do that and continue to write, edit and make music. I will make sure I accomplish something major every day as I compose my business plan.

I'm back in the gym as well, making sure I get my workout in so I can keep off of insulin and use cardio and diet to manage my diabetes.

There is someone that has displayed strength and showed me that one can balance life, get things done and give love unselfishly. I am so astounded by her spirit, in love with her sensibility and am astounded by her calm. I wish on quiet day I can have her eyes because of how she sees the world. I have been shown loyalty and patience, family and fellowship and the serious vibration of the possibilities of that love thang... From this one person. I pray that the bond we've established will not break. I am inspired by your presence and want to give all of me to build us. You showed me. I see. I have light to see further in the darkness because you shine.

Thank you.
Love you.
Owe you.
Wanna be next to you.
I'm loving your light.
You make me happy to be me.

We ain't... Going Nowhere

I heard you.

I understand.

I'm not giving up my blog right now.

I am not running away from this.

I will learn to have better balance.

This is my therapy.

I will continue to do my thing.

But I need a moment.

Tomorrow.

Wanting to end it all...

I must achieve balance.

I want to succeed.
I am in love.
I enjoy my health, but...
I have not perfect balance.

Where is my balance?

I intimidate but I am weak.
I lead by example but am afraid.
To follow.

I triumph wonderfully but lose miserably.
All the time.

Where is my balance?

Embracing God's love IS my balance,
If I stop running from him balance will come to me.

I must achieve balance and I will,
I have faith in him.

There...
There is my balance.

copyright 2005 Hassan Ntimbanjayo - Yeah, I said it!!!




Okay, this might be rash but I've been thinking of ending my blogging activities and concentrate on finishing my projects. Okay, I'm gon' quit fronting and just let you have it... I'm afraid. This has been very therapeutic for me and I love sharing and being a part of a shared circle, but I fear what the future brings to me if I keep blogging. I read too many blogs as it is, and I think that I'm falling into blogging too much when I should be creating and completing. I need to complete and focus on something other than things that'll take me away from completion.

And I think I talk too much.

I need to shut up, keep things to myself from now on.

I'll continue to read everyone's stuff, but I think I get attention from you guys that I don't deserve, so I think the best thing I should do is pull back. I don't know how I'm going to express myself yet, but I'm sure I'll come up with a new method, or I'll just bury myself in my work and just release that way. So much has changed in my life since I started unleashing my thang on the net over a year ago, I really want to focus on what happens behind the scenes more and that means that I have to sacrifice something. I had a conversation this evening that made me aware how afraid I am of expectations from those I do not know. I'd rather lay in the cut and be happy than to be out there and having to live up to other people's expectations, not knowing what to do. That scares the shit outta me. So I feel the need to disconnect now before I get too deep.

Does that make sense?

More Monday Musings

There are some things that I have to do in the short term to make things better. Things are already as good as they can get, but I want better. My focus the past few months has been to improve both my spiritual and physical health. What I'm learning is that there is much more to getting in "life shape" than changing the way one eats and the frequency of prayer. The lord indeed helps those that help themselves, and that means positioning ones self in the right place. That might mean new job, friends and a different locale for living. I can attest that most of these things have or are happening to me right now.

Which means that I gotta keep working on stuff to keep my blessings intact. Here's some stuff that needs some changing:

I gotta eliminate 'nigger' from my vocabulary. Straight up, I use it too much and have the nerve to cringe when I hear it from other people. Paul Mooney did say: "Everybody wanna be a nigga, but nobody wanna be a nigga." I wish I could rip those words from my vocabulary and never say it again, but I can't. It flows too freely and has some meaning when I say it. I am working to wane myself off of that word. Problem is, everybody else be saying it.

I must make it important to my family that my name change is permanent and that Hassan is my name now. No one in my immediate family has recognized that I made a name change or will do so. They ridicule me in my endeavors to liberate myself from nigger mentality and feel like I'm ripping the family apart by doing such. I feel disrespected and have not communicated with them since later spring/early summer of this year. Check it, this is serious to me that my family (from Moms on down) does not see me as a man. My mother still refers to me as her child and that's so far from what I am. I've never been seen as an independent man in their eyes and they always ask me when am I coming out of the phase I'm in. I was checking my girl Taj's myspace blog and came across this:

"Y'all new niggas go and get you a little higher education and wanna kick that uppity shit to me? Go and change your name to Akbar Mustafa after reading a book and wanna kick your self righteous bullshit game on me.... Go and get you the blackest girl with the nappiest hair you can find and fuck her to Roy Ayers to make a statement to me? Wanna try an call a nigga out? Don't kick that I ain't no nigga shit to me... I was born into the struggle... Raised in it... Named for it... Breathe it daily.... Nigga please...." MC Ren, NWA - (song) Niggas With Attitude

That explains my family's stance on points one and two to a tee. I understand the connotation of a statement such as this, but I also understand that in order to break free, one must give up some of the things that seem precious to him. My grandmother named me. She's no longer here and I felt the need to move forward by removing my slave name after she passed. I'm still me. I just tweaked a few things to make me better.

I must accept that the Creator has a master plan, and I'm a part of it. Sometimes I question why I got it when I'm all up in it. I gotta learn to relax and enjoy being all up in thangs, other than that I'd be wasting my time.

I must learn to give more of myself. I'm spending more time these days researching and refining my business plan for the non profit I plan on starting. While that's going well, I still feel useless when it comes to the shorties. I guess what I gotta do is join someone else's efforts and do some work there, learn from that and apply it to mine in the future. I think that might make me feel better.

I have to embrace my best friend even more. My guy is starting to figure out that people have questioned his actions towards them upon returning from Cali after his mom passed a month and a half ago. He really clammed up and stopped communicating with a lot of people. He asked me the other day if I wanted to ride out with him Thursday to wish some holiday cheer and visit some of the homies. While my normal answer is no, I definitely have to roll because there may be a few awkward moments due to how he was treating folks a while back. I don't think he realized that he alienated a few of the homies and will probably approach them like nothing happened. I need to be there to help smooth things out. I already let him know about his stank-ness to some of the extended fam, but he doesn't believe he did anything wrong. Should be fun, right?

I must continue to display my works. I am inspired by someone that's holding my heart. Sometimes my feelings get lost in the babble when I go on and on so my poetry is minimal and to the point. I'm sure it says what I want it to without the rest of the fodder. I must learn to be more like my poetry. Short and to the point, like this one:

My heart is to be ripped from of my chest,
Because I love you that much... That you should see.

It's rhythm.

Come closer - swing your hips,
dance with me.

The rhythm is so loud and strong,
you hear that?

Damn.

Not only do I hear it but I feel you.
Your rhythm.

Move with me.

We'll take turns leading,
I'll continue to feel, and you...

You just keep giving me that vibe.
copright 2005 (like Saturday) Hassan Ntimbanjayo - And yes, I said it!!!

Enough ramblings for a Monday? I think so.

Saturday

Time spent is time spent, right?


Then why is it that I want and need more time?

It Might Be, It Could Be...

I see us, I feel balance,
we think we and see stability.
Us makes ours means investment is returned
with interest that never wanes.
Time spent cannot be wasted
cause' energy together is never exhausted.

Between us.

This I never felt before,
even in its newness this fit is righteous.
This comfort I found so soon in your spirit,
means our union won't break - Because I'm all up in it.
This moment has both reason and meaning,
firsts for us and never for anyone else.

Because I refuse to share.

copyright 2005 Hassan Ntimbanjayo - Yeah, I said it!!!



I had a dream that I had a child. Well not me, but "us". It was the first time we came together making love and the passion shared was that damn strong. I am very certain in that dream that we had that BC thing on lock, and I know that sometimes we encounter someone that has the same thoughts and cares that we do, but when two people are brought together in that manner, shit the big bang theory is redefined.

Got me writing poetry and shit.

Tossing and turning... It's damn near 3am right now.

I don't even wanna go to sleep. Like I'm gonna miss something.

Got me making plans and setting aside vacation time for next year.

Problem is, I thought I been here before. I haven't. Thought I had these thoughts before in past relationships,never have. No disrespect to those that came before, there is something very Godly that affected me in this case that never has before. And the wierdest thing to me is that I'm not afraid. That's my problem. Normally, I would have spazzed and totally destroyed things up by now, doing things to compromise what could have been. I would have ran away. It's not that I'm scared of commitment, I just didn't expect to get slapped in the face like this.

So soon, so sudden. All of a sudden there is someone that comes out of nowhere talking about dealing with my stank ass. Then I remember that I am not in charge. So I dig deep, investigate, talk and open up to the concept to see if this is a passing feeling. Dammit! It gets stronger. Oh snap, time spent together flows like we already knew each other. The vibe does not change, it actually gets stronger.

What did I do to get here? Well, I prayed, changed some things for the better (like my diet, friends and surroundings), I start to meditate and pray to gain focus and better spiritual balance and


WHAM!!!

I get delivered to someone and someone gets delivered to me as well. Like this is supposed to happen. Different backgrounds and upbringing but beliefs and goals are so similar. Faith is similar. Vibe is similar. Moved by the same things. See the same stuff while staring at the same picture at the art gallery. Finishing sentences.

I see this stuff in movies and of course, I read it. I do believe its happening, but I can't help but to question how and why it's happening to me. Not that I'm self deprecating, but damn, I thought an artist was supposed to struggle first. I thank the Almighty for delivering the only person (other than the cat that signs my check, oh and the inventor of porn - kidding, see Neena bout that) that has brought happiness (so far) in my adult life. That's a lot to say being with this in its infant stages, but damn, this cannot be wrong, because it feels so right.

She

One day I saw her from a distance

Just a glance... We made eye contact and I knew her name.

But I was afraid to let that word part from my lips, for me to say it is ritual and calling her name meant I had fallen.

I lose time in thinking of her touch.

Breathing becomes staccato when thoughs are about her.

I've only seen her once, but I thought about our grandchildren, the peace in their faces settles my soul.

Life with my soulmate was a fleeting thought, racing not to miss a train in the subway.

I can't pass through this realm to the next knowing that in a split second my life was complete with her without speaking it into existence.

Whoever she was.

I should have said something.
Copyright 2005 Hassan Ntimbanjayo - Yeah, I said it!!!



Sometimes you know things about people. Good things. Bad things too. Most of the time, you exist in a good realm with these people. But one day you say something that can change the scope of your relationship with that person if your statement goes misunderstood. That happened to me yesterday. Be clear on one thing, when you put words out in the universe, they continue to travel forever and are usually manifested in some way, shape or form. Even if not by you or your subject.

Words have the power of life and death...

Have you ever said something to or about a loved one that changed the way they looked at you?

Do you wish you could take the words back?

Did it make you feel like you were less of a person after you said it or like someone unable to understand other people's feelings, or that sometimes you just talk too damn much and get careless?

Did you apologize or did you stick by your statement?

Monday... Humbug.

I shouldn't be angry, but I am. I shouldn't complain, but I will. I'm tired, a little. I've been doing the song and dance for corporate America and some like the shuffle. Problem is, how long will I have to shuck and jive until I explode?

I mean well and need to keep the lights on like the next cat, but I swear it has to be a better way to match my timbos with my hat and jacket.

If it wasn't for the few folk that know me and love my stank ass I woulda' snapped off by now.

I need to go back to my people.

I need to be back in my element. Doing something. With them.

Father, I come to you this morning asking for your guidance. I also ask you to help me with the overstanding on why I'm here. Sometimes I feel like I have no real purpose. I know you have incredible plans for me and I know that I've lost sight. Help me regain focus Father. I need to get back on my square. I have yet to do so many things and maybe I looked too far in the future to see those things, stumbling in the process. I know you have a masterplan, help me find my role in that. I'm slipping Father and I have no rhyme or reason as to why or how I get back. I put everything in your hands and just ask to be directed, delivered and re-energized with your spirit so I can be of service and affect change.

I ask this in the names of all you've brought before me in prophet and print, in visual and in thought and in presence and in memory.

Help me.

I wish I had more time.

It's Thursday Y'all!!!

10 Favorites:
Favorite Season: Fall
Favorite Sport: Football
Favorite Thing to do: relaxing at the spot... or going out with friends
Favorite Month: November
Favorite Actor : Samuel L. Jackson
Favorite Actress: Sanaa Lathan
Favorite Ice Cream: New York Cherry
Favorite Drink: Vitamin Water: Orange
Favorite Place: Montego Bay, Jamaica
Favorite Song: Someday We'll All Be Free - Donnie Hathaway

9 Currents:
Current Feelings: Excited and energetic (just got another job offer)
Current hairstyle: Locks, in a pony-tailed ball, bandana
Current Windows Open: Bedroom
Current Drink: Water with juiced lemons, molasses with a touch of cayenne pepper (lemonade fast, day 5)
Coffee Current Time: 9:57 am
Current Mobile(s) Used : Sprint PCS
Current Show on TV: TV off
Current Thought: I got another job... Oh I think they like me, Oh I think they like me
Current Clothes: shirtless, black Nike basketball shorts, flip flops

8 Firsts:
First Nickname: Squirrelhead (what my Pops used to call me... What!?!)
First Kiss: Angie...
First Crush: Gail Beatie
First Computer: Radio Shack TSR 80
First Job: Vacuum kid at a car wash
First Movie I watched: Shit, I can't remember... My earliest memory THX 1138
First Pet: A black Lab named 'Husky'
First Shave: I was 16 and on the way to church... What's that? Dammit I gotta shave, can't go out like that (uneven growth all over my grill).

7 Lasts:
Last Chai: Vanilla about 2 weeks ago
Last Movie: He Got Game
Last Time I Drove: two weekends ago... Very nice weekend. Better than nice. Greater than better.
Last Time Shaved: Monday
Last Web Site Visited: www.allhiphop.com
Last Software Installed: Re-Installed Windows Monday
Last Pill I Had: Don't remember

6 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Broken the Law: Yes, I speed, therefore I am.
Have You Ever Been Drunk: Of course, been a minute though
Have You Ever Climbed a Tree: I kinda climbed a tree in DC at the Millions More Movement to get a good camera shot.
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Yes... It was good too. I'll never do that again.
Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire or Bomb Blast?: 5 years in the Army, participated in conflicts in Panama and the Persian Gulf. Was in Dharhan when barracks were bombed, lost 2 friends. Witnessed 2 people get murdered less than 3 feet in front of me as a teenager. Got brain and skull fragments in my hair and on my clothes both times. You figure that out.
Have You Ever Broken anyone's Heart: Yes, and I'm sorry.

5 Things:
Things You Can Hear Right Now: Lords of the Underground - "Chief Rocka"

Things on Your Computer Table: Speakers, unorganized paperwork, 2 cell phones, unopened can of cashews, digital camera, a few books and a videotape (don't know what's on it or where it came from. Note: I haven't had a VCR since 1999)

Things You Ate Today: A serving of my lemonade concoction.

Things in Mind: My Moms, the financial offer made by a potential employer, my bills.

Things you want to say to him/her: We should elope and figure it out as we go along.

4 Places You Have Been Today: Bathroom, Mailbox, Kitchen, Workstation

3 People You Can Tell Anything To: Deah, Tamenika, Cassina... Not in any order.

2 Choices: *Black or White: White * Hot or Cold: Hot!

1 Thing You Want To Do Before You Die: Be married in love.

Wednesday's Haunt

Today is going to be a weird day.

Today is my Aunt's birthday. She passed on September 13 last year. It's been more than a year since and I haven't really gotten over the fact that one of the people closest to me is no longer here for me to bother.

My Mom's has been taking it the hardest. She called my ex on Sep 13 this year because she got stuck. She got to my stepdad's job and couldn't get out of the car thinking about her baby sister. Moms and I haven't spoken since June, I think and she called my ex because she thought we were still together and wanted to hear my voice. To her credit, my former 'talked her down' and calmed her. I dread thinking about how she'll be today. I had thoughts to go to the cemetery and pay respects, on second thought, I really don't want to be that close to the homes of other family members. I have no words for them and also dread the day we cross paths. Funny, Moms, 2 aunts and my sister live within walking distance of the cemetery. I'll choose another time to visit and do my thing, today I'll pray, meditate and reminisce.

I'm 3 days down on my fast. I'm irritable, achy and not the person you really want to have convo with at the local coffee house... I am unbelievably euphoric and I don't know why. Just no convo please.

Why is it when you establish something with someone that you think is solid that person turns away from you and runs away? Why is it after you reluctantly break that part of your life off emotionally that person wants to return like shit didn't happen? Irks me, that's all.

Terrell Owens talks too damn much.

Karma, bitches. Understand and get over it.

A state of emergency has been declared in France. How much you wanna bet that the 'anti nigga machine' goes into effect now. Still ain't up huh? In a nutshell:


Black folks have had enough of being treated like second class citizens and have rebelled against the French government. Didn't see much of the 60's footage of the Civil Rights Movement? A replay of fire hoses and German shepherds will occur with subtitles in a moment. You must've thought we were free over there to not know. I guess we'll never say anything while our cousins are getting their asses whipped. Thanks for saying nothing, you just validated the fact that they are second class.

Who got a recipe for meatless Thanksgiving dressing? I'm throwing down at the crib and I need some help. Oh, my guest list has less than 3 people on it, so most of the dressing is for me.

I also need suggestions for breading for my fish fry that does not involve white flour.

Pray for me. I applied for a job at a non profit and I really want this job. More than the other ones I already secured. I'll get a chance to work with the shorties as a job placement specialist. I'll also get a chance to get some talented folk both young and old in industrial, plumbing and construction training programs right in the hood. To do that for a living would be a dream come true for me. I want so bad to be back in the belly of the beast rebuilding. I feel so useless working in cubicle city. I know I can connect with my fellow Hip Hoppas and do some good. I know we can come together and plug in those missing components the community is sorely missing. I hate the fact that I gotta go to neighborhoods outside of mine for simple shit, quality shopping and a good meal. I'm so close. I wrote this passionate ass cover letter and hope it opens the eyes of those that make the decisions on who gets the position. Pray. Please. I really, really want this job.

I got a feeling that something special is about to happen to me. I wish I could get a preview.

It's Tuesday Already?

Whaddup fam!

I noticed how difficult it's been for some in the blogfam to continue with fresh posts. Yeah, the holidays are approaching and work is starting to pick up, family is beginning to demand more and one must prepare for all kinds of wild and interesting scenarios that will undoubtedly blogged about, but I can't wait til' that happens! Let us know how you're coping with the change of season, what vacation plans you got and what's cracking for Thanksgiving and them early Christmas plans. This is supposed to be infoshare and therapy for most of us, and I'm sure we'd all like to know how we do what we do to get thru all of this to the new year.

I originally planned to fly out and spend Thanksgiving week alone, sipping on a few drinks and getting all spa'd out, but those plans have changed. I understand and appreciate what Thanks giving is, but I had no plans to go over someone's house and pick thru their aunt's potato salad. I don't normally keep tabs with my family and, I have no plans to pick up the phone and make arrangements to be all up and thru any of their houses. I have problems with fakeness. If a brother can't get respect on the 4th of July, what makes one think that he will on turkey day?

Them folks don't even respect me nevertheless know how to pronounce my name... And I made flash cards for they ass!

But I have been convinced to stay home though. Maybe I can compromise and sit at someone else's family table and feel welcome. Maybe as a stranger I can finally get my name pronounced correctly and be respected for my beliefs and values instead of constantly being ridiculed and second guessed. Maybe the feeling of confidence and that look of pride can be shared by someone not biased by ignorance and the undefined rules of infighting. I don't think a stranger will laugh and load up my plate with pork and beef even though I tell em' that I'm vegetarian. That same stranger won't stress me to play it safe and stay in corporate Amerikkka and encourage me to abandon my non profit organization because it sounds unstable to them. Hell, it sounds like I might like it with a bunch of strangers if that's the case. I won't have to snap off and act up in front of the shorties because their parents have issues with me. Yeah, that might be worth staying for...

Other than saving a few bucks, I guess I'll use my vacation cash to remodel my place. I've been spending more time at home and I need an infusion of comfort, so I got some ideas. My job situation has worked itself out, I ended up snagging two jobs. Along with songwriting and getting my fall photog shots it seems to be a busy last to first quarter


*I hit another writer's block thingee and it might be due to my fast.
*I need new tracks, the stuff I'm coming up with is borderline wack.
*I wanna buy a new car, but don't want a high ass payment. Dealerships are on my ass right now.
*I am really feeling Earth, Wind and Fire's new album. Good to hear Maurice sing lead again.
*Little Brother is holding it down right now.
*Why aren't more people up on Quasimoto?
*Haven't heard a single quote from 'us' about our brothers and sisters rioting in France.
*Do you care?
*I guess Clarence Thomas is the quota when it comes to brown on the Supreme Court.
*It's not George Bush... Congress and the Senate changed the parameters of the new tax bill.
*Excluding the president, all of capitol hill is up for election in 2006. Quit blaming Bush.
*If GW hasn't vetoed anything coming out of DC, then who's fault is it? YOU voted for that.



You are Morpheus, from "The Matrix." You
have strong faith in yourself and those around
you. A true leader, you are relentless in your
persuit.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla




HOLY OBVIOUS BATMAN! Don'tcha hate that tag-a-long
Robin? You're such a loner. You like the night
and you wanna keep it that way. You're a
superhero..But..Well..You don't have any supper
powers really..BUT YOU'RE RICH! And
Brooding..And Tim Burton MESSED UP every thin
with those stupid movies! Its okay, Batsy..I
still love ya


Which superhero are you? (This is for the boys)
brought to you by Quizilla

Get thru today... Wednesday is easier, and closer to the end of the week. See you then?

Friday Ramblings

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.4
Mind:	8.4
Body:	7.1
Spirit:	9.6
Friends/Family:	4.9
Love:	7.7
Finance:	4.7
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Sometimes you stumble upon it, other times it's delivered in a non-descript package... It's what you do with it when you get it is what counts.

What am I going to do with it? I got it and I don't want to let go.



Random shit on this early Friday morning...

So I go and hear some poetry and stumbled across this sister who blew one of her pieces earlier that night. She had a table with CDs of her work right at the front door, her and her guy were selling beautiful artwork as well. As much as I tried to get out the door without buying anything, I plopped seven bucks down for a 5 song EP. Took it home, listened to it and

bang.

zoom.

The sister raided my mind when she wrote it. I've been sick ever since. Wanna hear it? Let me know, maybe I'll break you off a piece.

I wasn't supposed to tell, but I'm meat free these days. Nothing but fish as far as meat is concerned. Feels good too. Didn't think so, but I'm glad I gave on the moo and oink. Oh yeah, the cluck too. Good riddance as well.

I gotta get up the nerve to get at my man Jabari and ask him to join the music project. The lyrics are still flowing thru me and I feel good about the product we're releasing on a minute.

My break away from work has been productive. The brother put the resume out there and got bombarded by credible, great paying offers. I am humbled as hell to know that corporate America as well as a bunch of non-profit organizations want me so badly. Still working on my own non-profit though...

I wish I could tell a friend how concerned I am for that person's life. Things are being done that could jeopardize everything that person stands and lives for right now. I hate the fact that people can hear you but will not listen until some drastic shit occurs. I was told by a loved one that it isn't my job to warn that person of impending danger. That means I gotta watch some tragic shit happen right in front of me.

I planned on getting to either Aruba or Hawaii the week of Thanksgiving, and now I'm not going. Some of y'all know that I don't believe in the whole holiday bullshit, so it's hard for me to participate or be around fake ass people smiling and spending but are actually depressed and broke. I can't comprehend how as we as African descendants can just willingly give in to the Eurocentric way of life and feel fufilled about it. Whatever. I live in the matrix, and most of my people are asleep. Anyway, I lost $150 that I really need in canceling my reservations a few days ago. Someone convinced me that staying here is much more important than vacating this year. I'm eager to be proven different.


I'm working on the blackisms site, loading it with audio and video from performances and new stuff. We also have that cool ass t-shirt as seen here yesterday that one will be able to buy. Support black business by picking up an Underground Movement tee.

A portion of the proceeds will go to the Millions More Movement Katrina Relief Fund. People still need assistance. People are still displaced and are homeless. Nothing has been rebuilt. There are still 2500 people, mostly children still listed as missing, which means that parents are still in a state of shock.

Just doing my part... In this survey!!!

A - Age:34 (for real?)
B - Best Friends: Troy and Deah, not in any particular order
C - Choice of Meat: Salmon
D - Dream Date: Me and Jayne Kennedy at that table in the back, sipping wine and laughing about something.
E - Exciting Adventure: Skydiving (after that, orgasms are boring as hell)
F - Favorite Food: Granny Grand's mac and cheese
G - Greatest Accomplishment: waking up this morning
H - Happiest Day of Your Life: October 15, 2005 in the midst of the Millions More Movement... proved to me that black folk can have and be at peace. I'm stil moved.
I - Interests: writing stuff, reading other people's stuff, composing music, a real black girl.
J - Joke: not enough space and too damn vulgar... but it's good. Okay, okay, I got one: the black man's freedom in America.
K - Kool-Aid: Red. Orange too.
L - Love: love itself, my family, Ladybug and Sylvester
M - Most valued possession: My health
N - Name: Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo
O - Outfit You Love: t-shirt, shorts, sandals
P - Pizza Toppings: spinach, cheese and mushrooms
Q - Question Asked To You the Most: "How did you get your hair like that?"
R - Radio Station: Public or Paid (XM or Sirrius)
S - Sport: Football
T - Television Show: check this: Girlfriends... I said it!!!
U - Umbrella in the rain?: Nope, never owned an umbrella
V - Video: Trapped in the Closet, nah I'm playing... a tie between 'Scenario' (A Tribe Called Quest) and 'Buddy' (De La Soul). Both are Native Tounge collabos and features the whole family (Quest, De La, Monie Love Latifah, Leaders of the New, Jungle Bruz, Sha Kim, etc). Luvs the Unity. And the tracks too. De La's 'Stakes is High' comes in a close second. They got Maury Povich in the vid and no paternity test results! New members of the Native Tounge collective pop up (mostly Common, Black Sheep, Chi Ali, Bush Babees, Mighty Mos).
W - Winter: right here in the Chi
X - X-rays recently?: September (fell at work, embarrasingly carted out)
Y - Year Born: 1971
Z - Zodiac Sign: Aries-Taurus (born on the cusp)

What the hell are you doing?

This weekend, that is?

It's almost fun to record again.

And yes, I'll load up a few cuts on the blackisms site.

Soon.