Lets talk about impure thoughts. Everyone has them, everybody struggles to not act
on them. Some of my 'best' impure thoughts drive me to write about them. Not all the
time, but for me, good ideas come from the lowest of the low. I'll try to make them
useful.

As I grow older, sex isn't as much of a thought driver as it used to be. For
some strange reason (not really strange, blame it on TV or something)
violence seems to plague my mind. I am not a violent person but I do have a
violent temper. I have placed that part of me in it's own special place... Any
angry tirade or temper tantrum is reserved for the person or persons that lay harm on
my loved ones. I have never had to snap off, I did in the past
because I didn't have control of my emotions - hell, I didn't understand them, so I just
reacted to whatever situation with all of the confusion and
misunderstanding that I harbored inside. I hurt people. I cannot do that
again. I will not do that again. The people closest to me are the most
important.

Now back to thought, recently I've been having major thoughts of my death. Now
check it, I do not want to kill myself, I just wonder about the
repercussions of suicide or something worse. I also think about the method,
time place and whether other folks would be around if it happened. Now all of
this was triggered after I watched the most recent Spike Lee joint "She Hate
Me". Critics panned this movie and said that it was very unwatchable, I
thought not. Other than "Girl 6", this was a serious dive into fantasy and
fiction but you know Spike, his social-political rant and personal opinion was
added and I thought it was refreshing. Scorcese and Tarantino do it all the
time, and don't get me started on Stanley Kubrick!!!

My thing is, this movie had a very serious influence on my thought process
for the last two weeks or so. Now I know that TV, videos and songs that folks are
singing these days are very demeaning, but I thought based on my
beliefs and upbringing that I would never be influenced by any of these
things. The movie plot was simple... Corporate greed leads to lies and
deceit. The board of a small, but up and coming blue chip corporation are developing a
drug that will curb the spread of the HIV virus and the stock has already gone public
and split. Now of course, the drug isn't ready for public consumption and the FDA
rejected the drug but the company lies to the public and says all systems go for a
global product release which causes a surge in stock value. The chief scientist has been
keeping a video journal of the corporate lies, gives it to the central character in the flick
and commits suicide. This is how the movie starts. Now this isn't what the movie is
about, but it is one hell of a subplot.

I notice that Shelton Benjamin Lee leads the viewer into the subplot before
he reveals the main, and this is necessary to the viewer who would want to
submerge themselves into the story. Spike's joints always have a plethora of
supporting characters in order to add authenticity, such as it is in reality. To
know that Hollywood puts films out where the lead never visits or calls his
grandmother is farce. Never mind the impossible that already happens in
American film.

OK, so I ventured off onto a tangent, it happens. I felt compelled to explain
my reasoning seeing as I am a film whore as well as all things gadget. I
meant to go into detail about how media influences us, and how our inner
most thoughts are based off of them. I never had an inkling to take my own
life... I never had the thought of giving up so easily like a coward. Although I
could use that winning lottery ticket like the next person, my struggles are
small potatoes compared to the next guy. Something after seeing this
particular flick compelled me to delve into unknown thoughts of death and
repercussions. I don't want to die, but the events that occurred after a
central figure to the movie's plot committed suicide were too powerful for me to
ignore, causing me to wonder about my family and small circle of friends.

I don't have many.
Do I need more?
What about my family... Would they care enough to "do something" on my
behalf?
Have I done enough with my life to feel satisfied about all that I've
accomplished?
Have I turned that corner... Do I know where the corner is?
How will my death affect my family, my friends, the world?
What must I do RIGHT NOW to feel that I have worth and accomplishment,
and will I know it when I see it?

You see what happened there? A movie, a piece of media influenced me to
the point that I thought very deeply about my mortal existence. I thought
about my death and what happens afterwards more in the past two weeks
than I ever have in my life, which made me question the influence of hip hop
even more. What triggered my mind to concentrate about death so much?
The suicide scene only played once, I didn't rewind or re-view the frames to
watch it again. It just stuck there so I wonder... How does a child process that
bitch/nigga/gangsta/materialism bullshit that most major record labels push down our
throats in mainstream America? How does a young brother or sister differentiate
between a woman and a bitch ass hoe? How does a sister find the balance of wanting a
responsible brother that will show respect and take care of home from some ballin' ass
nigga that'll kick her down with the dollars he won't trick off?

The reality of these lyrics aren't really real. Hip Hop's mainstream representation is
farce, it's been that way for quite some time now, and it a'int stopping until it can no
longer be sold. What happens to our precious culture after that is a good question,
because we think we know the answer, but nobody's saying. Words indeed have the
power of life and death, and incantation is how we program the mind to do or not to
do.

How much longer will you let your 3 year old niece back that thing up and think it's
cute that she knows the lyrics to whatever misoginistic cut is on the radio right now?
How much longer will sisters ask where the good men are and then lose thier damn
minds when "Soldier" plays cause' "that's thier song"? How many of my sisters will
continue to be bitches and get absolutely no respect due to hip hop conditioning?

How can hip hop thrive when hip hop is sick and not getting better?
How much longer must I wait to see the culture thrive in our hands?
When will we take it back, or will we let the music get rode out like jazz?
The influence is great, when will the spiritual platform get off the ground?
Where is the candidate representing hip hop on the major political tickets?
A Rap Consortium needs to be established (and I just created that, give me credit), we
need a more powerful hip hop think tank.
I will no longer let something I support and believe in and be ran up in like some
hoodrat.

Uncomfortable silence....

For the past two weeks, that's what it has been. I've missed posting, but
from food poisoning, eye problems and family tragedies, uncomfortable silence has been the standard and the norm for me.

I haven't communicated with friends and family, I injured myself and have been affected by other's actions...

I'm horny, and I haven't acted... I'm being tested...

Black history month is a sham, and I wish "we" could do something about it.

I'm disappointed and kind of depressed about nothing and everything in
general. My job sucks and my friends are busy... But I love the air I breathe and I am so grateful just to be here right now.

I miss Nicque and 'Tisha, haven't talked to them either.

I have had fun though. I did get in some quality time. I am in love with a
Cruzan. Tim Duncan for MVP!!!

But, I still remain silent. My life is weird right now.

My new job search has ended.

I only drink wine now, and I think it's too much sometimes...

A family member committed a crime, I think about his
freedom lost and appreciate mine

Those thoughts weren't serious... But when you're depressed, you DO
think about it.

I wonder what my beloved aunt would be doing right now... It's
been 5 months since her passing... a piece of me is gone and can't come back.

Do you think Hip Hop will come back?

What would have happened if G Dub WASN'T President? You must admit, the right choice was made at this point. Every man should allowed to clean up his mess.

I hope Jamie Foxx doesn't pull a Cuba Gooding Jr. Sunday. I don't know,
that statue is a mutha focker. It's like crack... It'll make you do things.

I'm laying in my bed right now typing this on my laptop... Loading my iPod with stuff, ignoring folks calling the celly... This is probably why I'm single. Too nerdy.


Tam gon' rock I'll next week... You'll see!

I wish... I had... More time

Peace and Blessings in the name of the most high...

I took a week off, but not by design. I didn't get a chance to work out,
didn't get a chance to blog to my site, I did work on my business plan but that was about it.

My Brother and sister in law gave birth to twins last Monday, from there,
the course of events that guided the wee was set from there. It seems
that everything I did last week was tied into either family, friends or duty
towards them. I am still tired, didn't get much sleep due to running to the
four corners of the earth, other than that, this week I cleanse, so it should be a fun read for you.

Thursday: Deep Tissue Massage
Colonic
Friday: Left eye lasik surgery
Sensory deprivation float
Saturday: Police department Exam (whatever!!!)
Baby Shower for the twins (it's still on)
Farewell party for my girl Ruthie
Sunday: Catching wrestling PPV with my dad

It seems that my time is something that no longer belongs to me
anymore. I am in the middle of plotting and strategizing to bring the good ish, and that seems to take up a lot of life space. I will get a chance to cleanse and get rubbed down later this week.

A three day workweek... Good ish.

I wanna open up to y'all... So I added a chat room and discussion board.
A lot of y'all have been speaking to me, some I haven't heard from in quite
some time. It's nice to know that The Creator has blessed you with health
and prosperity. I do have one wish, I wish that we can cross lines so the
forums emanate from there. Plus there is a podcast coming in a few where game will be chopped and topics will be covered that matter to those that exist in the same realm I do.

I was recently asked by coworkers who my favorite superhero was. I
really didn't think about it much, the answer came right out. My younger
brother. Now I do have an older brother, and he was definitely in the
running, but after further review, the former beat out the latter by a hair.

I sit back and watch this cat, and it's amazing how he (and my older
brother) does what his thing. He's a college student, husband, father of
three (him and my sister in law just had twins 02/07/2005) and has the
nerve to still be on the humble while providing and guiding life as well as
adding a little satisfaction to wifey (twins? Damn!!!)

I can actually recall my brother from day one. I remember my mom telling my older brother and I that she was pregnant (again!) and that four would be a good whole number (actually five, but my older sis was called home early and we were blessed by my aunt, but that's another story) and we ran with it. I remember him running and not walking his first steps, and him having to get entirely undressed just to use the bathroom.
He's always been independent of the others in a way that I really cannot
explain, where I am distant and come around only when I want to be
bothered, Lil Bruh' is always involved in family matters, but still is given the time to think and reflect alone, he is indeed a thinker.

I remember him and my litter sister becoming close, you can't separate
the two to this day! They protected each other in ways only a sibling can
do. You see, they grew up in a time different that I did, and I was either a
teenager doing my thang or an adult trying to establish said things, so I
was a big brother. I mention that because right before Lil' Bruh and sis
started to come of age, my parents split and fending for self was very
necessary. You see, I grew up with a father. If I needed guidance or to
relate to something, pops was there. As many ass whippings I got, I'm
glad he was there to set me straight. It didn't hit me that they were
without until I was overseas and unable to do anything about it. So I
came home.

When I got back from the military, I made sure that the foot was put
down. When it came to showing Lil Bruh and sis what not to do, I made it
clear. I realized that they were watching me with intense scrutiny, and I
had to make sure that an example was set on what a black man was to be. They kept me on point. I could not be seen as a failure in their eyes. My dad at that time was coming back from his drug problem, and my mom was working 16 to 20 hours a day. I would not have my kinfolk out on those streets. It would have broken my heart to have seen either one of them fail, and back in the day, my older brother was "assigned" my sister, Lil Bruh was mine.

When my girl and I hung out, my brother was there. When we made
those field trips that couples make, he was there. When he wasn't hanging out with us, he was involved either with church activities (him and my sister perfected this puppet ministry show and had a successful run) or with other members of the family. Much respect goes out to my Uncle Ed, who was a major role model for not just my brother but my cousins as well. He showed the boys in the family that a black man could achieve whatever through faith, hard work and respect. That and other things seemed to work.

Bruh had a hard time accepting the fact that pops couldn't make the time
due to working on self. My dad had to re-find himself, so for a little bit of
time (you know which years, the formulative teen ones), there was little
contact. Pops had beaten the habit, but being a black man in America,
starting from zero at his age was difficult to say the least, and it wasn't like we were all there for him at times. Just being honest... But he overcame. My brother saw this and had to respect and acknowledge it. We all bridged that gap with pops and I think it set the wheels in motion for my brother being a dad and a leader.

I watched him go thru the changes. I watched the struggle to stay off the
corner. I watched him go thru relationships. He handled himself better
than I did in those matters. Hell, I'm 34 and still without wife (by choice,
of course), that is based on choice. I watched him make the choice to
become husband. I did not know that he had it in him. I knew he was
ready, but he never showed doubt. That was faith, and he stepped out on
it. So far, so good. In his mind, he had already taken care of business
when it came to marriage and family because he had the examples right in front of him. My brother was working on hero status years ago.

Lil Bruh would call and ask questions after he got married. I could not
answer, he already knew so I had (still have to) play Morpheus to his Neo. He is the one, but he has to just believe in it and let go. Last Monday, I saw the look of fatigue and terror in his eyes, after his sons made it to this realm, I saw relief, but the fear was still there. It's supposed to be. I would be terrified too. 3 boys. 1 job. 1 wife. 2 years. I already see some of his thought. I already see some of the plan. Them boys gon' be alright because he already has taken care of them. His faith is working.

I enjoy him explaining his thought process, I majored in electrical
engineering, and so did he. He flexes his mathematical skills (yeah, twins) and damn near over analyzes almost everything to a fault. This is good, because as a young black man in America with a family, you gotta have survival down to a science. He maps, just like me (although I map more than dude in A Brilliant Mind - bothers folks) and his follow thru is certain. Now that he has kids, he really cannot fail. I watched this dude just jump in and hustle for that change, Bruh' is serious about his paper. He actually comes with an idea, goes somewhere to plot it out, speaks on it and jumps right in with the revised plan. I'm more cautious. I admire his bravery in taking risks, especially with a family.

One thing I especially like is his spirituality. Dude will not budge or
compromise his beliefs. This is my grandmother and my dad. The thought of my dad and how/what he believes damn near brings me to tears. Lil Bruh' sometimes questions his faith, and there were times where overstanding does not balance the under, but he knew that God will only give you what you must have and take things away with blunt swiftness. After seeing that look in his eyes Monday at the hospital, I know that his sons, my nephews are destined for greatness. This cat has the blessing of handing down all of the knowledge from parallel sides of two great black families. The balance has been handed to him. I think my role as advisor has officially ended. It is my brother a decade younger who I will now ask. Now there are things that he has yet to experience, but one must let a man travel his own path, so I step back.

In the words of our enlightened wayberarers, I greet you - Hotep!!!

What is your Life's Blueprint?

Note: Six months before he was assassinated, King spoke to a group of students at
Barratt Junior High School in Philadelphia on October 26, 1967.

I want to ask you a question, and that is: What is your life's Blueprint?

Whenever a building is constructed, you usually have an architect who draws a
blueprint, and that blueprint serves as the pattern, as the guide, and a building is
not well erected without a good, solid blueprint.

Now each of you is in the process of building the structure of your lives, and the
question is whether you have a proper, a solid and a sound blueprint.

I want to suggest some of the things that should begin your life's blueprint. Number
one, in your life's blueprint, should be a deep belief in your own dignity, your worth
and your own somebodiness. Don't allow anybody to make you feel that you're
nobody. Always feel that you count. Always feel that you have worth, and always
feel that your life has ultimate significance.

Secondly, in your life's blueprint you must have as the basic principle the
determination to achieve excellence in your various fields of endeavor. You're going
to be deciding as the days, as the years unfold what you will do in life-- what your
life's work will be. Set out to do it well.

And I say to you, my young friends, doors are opening to you - doors of
opportunities that were not open to your mothers and your fathers-- and the great
challenge facing you is to be ready to face these doors as they open.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, the great essayist, said in a lecture in 1871, "If a man can
write a better book or preach a better sermon or make a better mousetrap than his
neighbor, even if he builds his house in the woods, the world will make a beaten
path to his door."

This hasn't always been true-- but it will become increasingly true, and so I would
urge you to study hard, to burn the midnight oil; I would say to you, don't drop
out of school. I understand all the sociological reasons, but I urge you that in spite
of your economic plight, in spite of the situation that you're forced to live in-- stay
in school.

And when you discover what you will be in your life, set out to do it as if God
Almighty called you at this particular moment in history to do it. Don't just set out
to do a good job. Set out to do such a good job that the living, the dead or the
unborn couldn't do it any better.

If it falls your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted
pictures, sweep streets like Beethoven composed music, sweep streets like
Leontyne Price sings before the Metropolitan Opera. Sweep streets like Shakespeare
wrote poetry. Sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will have
to pause and say: Here lived a great street sweeper who swept his job well. If you
can't be a pine at the top of the hill, be a shrub in the valley. Be be the best little
shrub on the side of the hill.

Be a bush if you can't be a tree. If you can't be a highway, just be a trail. If you
can't be a sun, be a star. For it isn't by size that you win or fail. Be the best of
whatever you are.

I lifted that from the estate of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Designing a blueprint is simple. What I noticed is that getting the funding, finding
good laborers and obtaining reliable material to build is the difficult part. I found a
way to create a working budget, eliminate folks skimming off of my life's payroll and
have come with a working design that astounds even me. The hardest part is
feeling the need to go back and redesign something that was already approved in
said blueprint.

Sometimes I wanna go back and do things over. Not to impress or to relieve pain (I
think that's necessary for me to grow), but it was something that made me want to
live in that moment at that time. Whether it was the person, surroundings or
situation, sometimes I want to go there, but it is impossible to go back, so I reflect. I
remember smells, sounds and the feelings that I either shared or experienced. Feels
good sometimes, but then... WHAM!!! Reality sets back in and I see why I had to
abandon that previous design. I have never seen myself as a perfect person, hell at
one time I never even thought of myself. I just did things that I thought pleased
people, whoever they were.

I realize now why I felt unfulfilled and decided to do something about it. I rejoice in
the fact that I had the strength to act on my pain. It hurts that I have to hurt
those that don't understand. It also feels empty sometimes because some of them
folks were at my right hand. Now I stand alone. When alone becomes lonely due to
me cleaning house, I call on Him. I am provided with activity, good thought and the
voices of those no longer here to scold or guide me. I never knew how powerful it
was to stand in the presence of my Grandmother. I can still hear her! Freaks me out
sometimes, but she keeps me out of jams when my mind replays stuff I remember
her saying back in the day.

When I shop or am out alone spending money, I swear my Granddad is making
sure I don't get hustled because he was a hustler. I know that they're not voices in
the literal sense but I have thought, I comprehend it and it guides me away from
things/people/situations that can harm me. My decision making process is based on
my upbringing and surroundings, and even if your intentions are good, that portion
of my life may prevent you from getting close to me. This tells me that I must be
special.

God would never allow me be harmed if I choose his path. So far my actions have
kept me out of trouble. That doesn't mean that I won't encounter rough seas in the
future, but I know now that where I'm going feels right based on what or who I do.
That's not a typo. I've encountered the right people in my life at the wrong times.
Most of my relationships have been that way, but I learned from them.

Right now I choose to establish things that will help and not hurt. I know who my
biological daddy is, but I never chose to approach him seeing as he has never
approached me. My step dad loved my mother so much that he chose my brother
and I when he chose her. This man is my father and that's all I know. When my
mother remarried, the man that is she chose to spend her life with after him I
consider my stepfather. They both are God fearing, knowledgeable men that
became daddy and continue to shape my life. For that, I chose to ignore the so
called sperm donor. I realize now that this is not who he is, and I must get to know
this man as well.

Sometimes God will provide someone that will jump start your car battery when
you are stranded in the middle of a deserted area. This is what this man did for my
mom when they got together. He was sent to provide life and nothing else. I think
he did a great job (I mean, I am a handsome cat with loving friends and family... I
have accomplished some things) Now is my time to compliment him on doing just
that. Part of my design is to make sure all of the sub architects are re numerated
and appreciated for their work. I gotta go find George W. (his real name) and
intercede like the Lord has inspired me to.

When coming up with a blueprint, we must research. I gotta first find out why G
Dub (what I call him - Son of a Bush!) never felt like contacting me. 35 years and we
only spoke to each other a week before I graduated from the eighth grade. For
some reason I got mad and was never curious, but now, I am more about
completion than just wondering about the man who gave me my DNA. I wanna
connect because this is my design. Like Neo in "The Matrix", part of my design is to
go back to the source.

Have you ever met someone that you cannot
have? Have you ever felt someone that you
knew felt you back, but the whole scenario feels
like something from Erykah's "Next Lifetime"
video? This was my Saturday night. My super
bowl eve was spent in a place where I never
intended to meet someone I would feel.

Of course I would like to explore possibilities.
Of course I was stunned and amazed. Of course
I feel like building something after, you know.
Time is crucial and of the essence. It's the one
thing we don't get back... I try not to let past lives
affect my present and/or future. I have no hang
ups, but sometimes folks interpret my education
from the past as me living in them. An ex told
me "I don't do ex's" I agree. That's why they're
ex's, right?

There is a hurdle. Yes, there is a restriction. I
might not get the time I want to explore said
possibilities, and there might be a chance to do
just that but I must be patient. If not, I have
accepted things that I cannot have, but the
picture embedded in my mind has me thinking...
Hard.

Damn!

Did I mention that I was stunned?

My passion for change is only outweighed by the pain I feel by the actions I take to make it
possible. I have made many changes in my life, but most until recently were not for the
better. I forgot God in most cases, and that has set me back.

Not in the sense of success or anything worldly, I have made good on many attempts to
acquire what the world deems good, I'm talking about what fills my soul and sets me free
from society, and that influenced me to make changes for the betterment of the world. Not
betterment of a corporation that is un loyal to you but requires you to remain loyal to them
in all aspects, not betterment of people that love you in your face, but despise you behind
your back or betterment of those that love you but know not how to deal with you or know
what place to put you. Not even betterment of those that merchant garbage to you, filling
your body and home with things that take more than give comfort to you. I speak about
betterment of the spirit. How many of you that read this are truly happy within? I wasn't,
so I made change.

Change hurts, not because it moves from the familiar to unfamiliar, it hurts because you
must remove yourself from those that support you in your attempt to die in misery. See,
there are those that love you beyond doubt, but are so afraid to tell you the truth from
fear or being rebuked and rejected that they will lie to you to keep you miserably happy.
Misery loves company, and you are only as valuable as those that you keep in your immediate
circle. Now I'm not saying that these folk are miserable in a bad sense, but if you are fat,
and your loved one never tells you because he/she feels that you are comfortable in your
fatness, and it would hurt your feelings to tell you about the extra weight, then they are
hurting you more than they are helping. I have learned that God first + sound body + sound
mind = fulfilled. You cannot function correctly if you are not sound.

Now you can always get a divorce, or walkaway from a long term relationship, but what does
that solve? Maybe that person or those people want to assist with your change, you have to
investigate. Find out. If they don't then do what you must. Sometimes people love you more
than you can love yourself, so they will never hurt you. But in that sense, if you never get
your wakeup call, you will be forever sleep. I was sleepwalking, and I had people around me
that would not nudge me. I could not wake up! I literally tossed and turned in front of my
beloved, but fear of change, the unknown or success prevented them from slapping me in the
back of the head. But The Creator called me and gave me the ability to have one eye open. I
saw myself in the mirror, and I didn't like what I saw. So I changed. Drastically,
dramatically and immediately. It hurt people. It hurt me.

I stopped hanging out with some of my guys. I stopped going out with my girlfriend. I
stopped visiting toxic family members. I started a process to change jobs. I stopped siting
on my couch, vegging out on sporting events. I didn't want to because this was so familiar,
and it is still difficult to not do those things, but I think... Damn that, I know that God has
a greater purpose for me to serve and I had to go towards that. Ending relationships,
quitting jobs and involving myself with things that were just damn corny to me back in the
day is very difficult to do. Everybody has something to say. I can see the lips moving, trust
me I can.

You don't have to like me. You don't have to love me. I now know my purpose. I have been
given talent, and I must use it to say His name in as many instances I can to glorify it so
that those who cannot hear can have understanding. This is my job, and I have run with it. If
I have hurt you, I apologize. I just felt that you could not run with me, not because you
weren't worthy, but because I chose to run this leg of the race alone. In an attempt to
prepare myself, I realized that I have a lot of work to do on self, and this is the part of
the movie where the scientist locks himself in the laboratory, fixated on perfecting his
creation. I have done this and I ask not to be disturbed.

I believe that one day, I will be able to look on those I walked away from and not feel pain,
unfortunately today is not that day. I have a lot of me that I need to work on and I hope
that you see that this is not selfishness, but an attempt to make myself whole. This is my
letter to you. Read this and know that I fast for cleansing. That I still pray for you. That
I think of good things and not bad when your names enter my thoughts. I am aware of you
and hope that God blesses you with all that is kind and good. I am aware that I can no longer
live the way I have.

Awareness + Direction + Change = Results

Right now, God has anointed me to become an intercessor.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When
I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

This is that effort. Pray for me as I will for you all.

In the name of the Most High, I welcome you. Come on in
kinfolk, let me rant to you if you'll listen:

28 days.

It's the time one takes to rehabilitate themselves when admitted
in a clinic to wane themselves mentally and physically from a
controlled substance. Rehab. It's what I need to do. Cleanse my
soul by cleansing my body. I'm going to rehab y'all.

Guess what? February has 28 days, and I plan on fasting. Each
day. One at a time. I'll probably need a lot of colon cleanse
powder.

And water.

Damn Fist, why the harshness? Why you doing that? Why don't
you just eat clean and pray fam? Well, if I am living to glorify
His name thru my actions, then the temple needs to be cleansed.
My body. Lymph nodes need cleaning to increase metabolism and
train of thought. Colon needs a blowout to rid my body of sitting
dis-ease. Blood needs oxygenation to lower blood pressure and
regulate sugars. Mind needs to be cleared of BS... enough of
that, you get the point.

I do plan on journaling my experience, my last fast was back in
98', hard thing to stick with. I'm a little older, and all of my
closest doubters are gone out of my life. I have the support of
those who worship with me and I know now that I'm older that
this is what I must do. Change is good, but it does have a price
though, I will miss chocolate and red meat, but I'll live longer
after doing this, God willing.

I'm already freaking out a little, from what the Queen teaches,
I will violently react to not getting the junk... the cigars, junk
food, red meat and pork (yeah, I said it). All of the diet soda I
ingest on a weekly basis that's left in my gut will riot and
demand company. The parasites and other evil microrganisms
that feed into my weak heart and the dairy that has been sitting
inside of me, causing high ass blood sugars will make me evil for
about 3-4 days, so expect me to snap the hell off in this space
week after next.

My diet will consist of water, raw vegetables, oats, tuna and
salmon (2-3 days in the week). That's it Water, veggies and the
occasional fish. Wholesale changes are needed for me to survive,
and I will make them. No surface BS, just mind, body and sprit.
Actions and not just these words. I'm look foward to this only
because I am not alone. I will let y'all know what's going on and
rant and plead for my sanity, which should be good reading for
all you meat eating bastards (already started, just kidding)!!!

With a new job, new enviornment and new values this should be
fun, somewhat. I will grow stronger, and this is only step one.
Oh yeah, to celebrate the fast, I posted one of my songs and
dropped some poetry on ya... see, already stronger. I wasn't
going to share but my I know better.

How far are you willing to get free? Are you willing to sacrifice
the known for the unknown? Well, we'll see. Other than
becoming an iPod whore as of recent, Blackfist sacrificed all that
he knew (well, most of it) to gain his freedom.

You see, I lived a toxic life, and it began to eat at my soul. My
art is my life, and my writings and photos (which I'm still
struggling to share here for fear of embarrassment) I felt
defined me. It doesn't. What defines me is me. What my
beliefs are is irrelevant to what I become because people believe
different things and are successful. Remember success without
fulfillment is failure. But I still must have faith. Some people
exist without it, they are empty. I can't function that way.

Successful anything without fulfillment is total failure, so I
ended relationships, gave weeks notice at my current job and
gave up vices not in the hopes of getting better, but in the
actions of being who I am. I tire of musts and should'ves... I
must pay bills, I should've done this. Those excuses are
controlled by fear, so I dropped fear. I claimed a hight paying,
more fulfilling job related to me reaching my goals in exposing my
art to the masses, I work out with more regularity and changed
the way I care for my temple and I now stand alone. I do not
have me to give right now, I have me to build, and that is not
fair to me or anyone else. Nuff said.

In order to shed the toxic life, one has to detox. It's not easy to go
this route because doubt, fear and haterism from others will present
themselves as obstacles along the way. I realize this, so each morning I
take an hour not to affirm or reaffirm, but to first be thankful for all
that has happened to get me here and to plot, strategize and put that
into action RIGHT NOW. And I do it while my body is in motion and thru
prayer, incantation and recital ALOUD while working out. To unplug from
the matrix, one has to deprogram, the incantation is repeating the plan
over and over, no happy thoughts or BS like that.... phrases like: "God
has blessed me with this life, no person, obstacle or situation will stop
me from establishing by businesses thru my art and talent. I cannot fail
at life because risk without loss is natural. I learn from my triumphs and
mistakes and apply everything for the betterment and glorification of the
lord. I will treat myself and others as I want to be received. I have no
fear of anything because God has by back."

I repeat this aloud throughout my entire workout after taking 30
minutes or so immediately after waking up and stretching and reflecting
on how yesterday was so beautiful. My plans and strategies are fresh in
my head, and now after working both my mind, body and spirit nothing
can distract me from achieving my goals. Even if it is to make it to the
end of the day, I will. I walk with the Creator and no one else. What
people say or do has never mattered. I surround myself now only with
those that can reverberate what I'm willing to give, and that meant
that there were people that I loved that had to go. No offense to you,
the love is still there but it is from a distance. I will not have hindrance
from my progression thru mistrust, lack of respect or deceit, even from
loved ones. That was hard, but necessary. Believe me, the blessings pour
in, even for those I choose not to deal with any more.

And this is just Tuesday...

Imagine what Wednesday brings!

Hotep...

Acknowledge the problem. This is the first step to resolution, so I'll
admit that I have a problem...

I am an iPod whore.

There, I said it. The little white box with the matching headphones is
the digital equivalent to crack...

digicrack

Now, getting an iPod is almost like buying a car. The damn thing is quite
expensive for what it does, can't really justify buying the top of the line
model so you go economy. I got the 20 gig. The 40 is not too much, but
scary. No one should have that much space for music storage. I must say
that the thingee has a calender, contact list and picture storage as well
as a clock/alarm feature... all of the things crackwhores need out on the
stroll to make them successful. This obviously was duly noted to be
added to the pod' by the "crack staff" at Apple Labs, thus the
versatility of the module.

At first I had buyer's remorse, but know that as soon as you take the
damn thing out of the box, YOU WILL SCRATCH IT!!!, so refunds are
rare. Exchanges, maybe. After you put the buds in, it's over. Yours
forever. You become symbiont with a handheld hard drive with a screen
and an earphone jack. Make time to support your digicrack habit, it'll
consume you.

I currently have over 400 of my cuts (minus albums) on this thing, and
there is room for 4600 more... I'm scared. I cannot function without
those special little earbuds attached to my head, cramming
Parliment/Funkadelic, Nas, Omar, Nina Simone and King Pleasure in my
head during workout time and work hours. I'm sure you've seen my
"tuning out" thing below, I gotta change that ish... It is tru that I tune
out my co-workers so I won't have to talk to them. Folks are cool,
but... I'd rather not make a friend at work. Just my preference, that's
all.

The premise is that I should have a top ten list. Each day, due to the
amount of songs that this wonderful creation can hold should afford me a
top ten list each day of the week thanks to playlist creation. And, since
I complain a lot and am never in a good mood, I should have a top ten list
in accordance on how I feel that moment... There, THAT will replace
the "tune out" spot found below this post.

I noticed that most of my free time (which I don't have a lot of) is
spent for the betterment and glorification of music appreciation thru the
easy firewire transfer of my digicrack machine. I am never finished,
never satisfied. I must add more music. I need to add my entire musical
collection to the digicrack module. I am also in love with the shuffle, and
after my close to the edit cold turkey adventure at the gym yesterday,
I almost lost my precious portable player in a big, bad Ballys elliptical
machine. iPod shuffle y'all at the gym, don't procrastinate, support your
digicrack habit properly and buy the lil one for working out. You'll be glad
you did.

This mini machine can bitch the toughest, ass whipping rootin' tootin son
of a gun. Trust me. Some of the hardest nigga's I know got a whole lot
of Patti Labelle stored on the iPod, and I ain't gon' even trick off on the
cat that has the entire PM Dawn catalogue in a folder titled "memories",
not my job. I do have a ton of R&B stored and I am not ashamed either.
Prince takes up about 30% of the drive with anything Bernie
Worrell/George Clinton/Bootsy Collins coming in second at about 15%.
Anything Dre is third @ 7-10%. With the other 50% of the precincts
reporting, Nas, Rakim, D'Angelo, the Tony's (Wiggins fam) PE, BDP,
Juice Crew and... B-I-G G-I-E aka B.I.G. Get it, Biggie! I got to
shout Phyllis Hyman and Amel Larrieux (reminds me of an ex). I also got
the obligatory Issac Hayes/Barry White/Luther Van/Babyface/Bryan
McKnight/O'Jays/Kool and the Gang/Ohio Players/The Deele/The
Time/New Edition/Levert/Guy/Troop/Jodeci/Boyz II Men/Public
Announcemt/Kels soopagroovalistic playa-playa section with all the booty
music one can stand. That's a must.

Oh yeah, I forgot... Outkast gets the special treatment.

See what I mean!!! This mp3 player phenomenon is very addictive, forcing
you to pledge allegiance to your favorite artists. What I found is one
cannot live without some sort of musical accompaniment, and the creators
of these digicrack devices have honed in on this. One thing, @ $.99 a
pop you will help blowuptuate evil empire #2 in its efforts to get
everyone hooked on their latest drug. Now I can only help you to a point,
so there. Subscription based services only give you access to millions of
songs but once that either ends or is not renewed... POOF! Songs are
gone. The best thing I can tell you is to either borrow against the 401k,
do a little OT or sell a quarter O, cause' digicrack budgets are more
than most cat's cocaine habits. Start with your personal collection first,
then use my helplink above to add to that. Use the
iTunes/Napster/Rhapsody to first get the oldies and oddulars you can't
find around the way, then. Go used!

Until then... rehab is not an option.

Peace and blessings...

Fam, what the fock, man? How do you do it? As I'm sitting here tripping on
D'Angelo, I wonder how some of you put it on the line everyday and not snap the
f off at coworkers, friends and family.

I just wish things could be simple as hell. People, places and things over
complicate thangs, and that is a very depressing thing sometimes, so I pray. I
hold on as much as I can, but sometimes life kicks you square in the ass and
there is no stopping it. Now I'm not speaking about what I told y'all yesterday...
that, my friends is already handled: Protected by the red, the black and the green
(Hint: Pops, Junior and Spooky), with a key (ankh).

I go to work with the intentions of just working, I get there and there's a ton of
bullshit, most of it with my name all over it. I ask to be alone with my thoughts,
cause I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive about my shit, but people who love me and
know I'm flaky keep popping up and still ask me questions they know the answers
to. The rent is due (dammit, I'm speaking metaphorically!!!) and I've never been
late, so why are you here with your hand open calling yourself collecting?
Somehow, it always gets paid.

If life is a test, this is my midterm exam. I am being bombarded with questions that
have multiple answers, and my pencil eraser is on supa-low. Damn. The time you
need that big ass rubber eraser you're always caught with your pants down, but
not any more.

You see, this post is dedicated to all of the bad shit. The shit that eats at you,
that shit that holds you down, the shit that causes you to step in it so it can get in
the crevice of your shoe sole and stink all damn day. I see the shit and I am
stepping over it. I will not get shit on my shoes,and if I do, I will promptly clean
those martha fockers so the feces can't spread. For a minute, the shit almost had
me. That's why I carry baby wipes.

The Creator is also in the shit too. He wants to know if you're faithful. Needs to
know if you're loyal. The Creator already knows, but sometimes you bullshit
yourself, thus causing unnecessary bullshit.

Now check this out:

I wrote the stuff above early Jan 17, right? So I talk to my current love interest
and guess what? You got it... Bullshit. Now I promised that I would never reveal
anything about our relationship, so all I can say is this: I can do bad by myself. I
know I complain a lot, but I am thankful that I complain. Thing is... As much As I
complain, I do not worry, don't have to. I will not go on the faith thing right now
you heard that speech...

My faith and my love for folks have always been in question. The answer, Creator
first, everything follows after that. I never answered to anyone, and that's
probably why my ass is single. I have shared personal shit with you blog readers
that I never shared with my friends, cause I know they'll never read this, and to
date they haven't. So much for support.

I guess what I'm saying is, I never asked to be loved, and my love has always
been based on trust, so how can I trust anyone nevertheless love someone
(hard) that has already placed judgement on me, and I have remained non partial
when it came to bullshit. You see, BS happens and like I wrote above, step over
it. So here's a shout to all of my ex's: Haven't spoke to y'all in a minute, would be
nice to hear from ya'... I know that at least one of y'all know that blackisms exists,
so if you're reading this... call a brother... Oh snap, I forgot... my phone numbers
have changed, so email a nigga... according to my most recent ex, I've been back
on the ho stroll for quite some time!!!

It's funny because I chose celibacy in this phase in my life. Sex brings bullshit...
and for some reason, although I fell like I'll explode any moment now, I have been
bullshit free relationship wise for over a month now. It is indeed the tie that binds
souls... now if I can find the antidote and undo what I've done...

I really believe that making love cannot be done outside of marriage. I have been
convinced by recent actions. I loved, but love means nothing without deep
commitment in the eyes of the Lord. Anything outside of that is a lie. I have to
admit that I have lived a lie. Damn! It does hurt, because your intention is not to
destroy, but build. But, building does come at a price, relationships done without
spirituality are meaningless. I just got out of one to prove that point. God Bless...
He's out there, he's just not me.

Hotep brothers and sisters:

Peace and blessings in the name of the most high...

So I took a break, so what? Well, I did get a chance to read all of your
email. I also got a chance to catch up on some sleep too. I feel a little
refreshed, but I do have something to share with you. It took me a
while to put this together for more than one reason, but the main
ingredient is here for you to ingest.

People ask me all the time: "Are you healthy? How's the weight? What
the hell is that you're eating and is it what you're supposed to be
munching on?" I get it all the time. You see, i'm diabetic, and what I put
in my body is gravely important, especially after what I recently learned.

A couple of Thursdays ago, I got a checkup. Everything was fine, until I
got a phone call recently and found that the results of my optical exams
were not as good as I thought. I lost a little of my eyesight. Now I did
not say that I am going blind, or in 6 months I will be like Ray Charles
or something, but there is some blurriness and what I like to call
un-sharpness due to the optic nerves being so small, and at one point
hardening of the arteries due to my diabetes.

The stress is there because the optic nerve is the smallest vessel that
blood travels through, and when sugars are high, it restricts flow,
causing blurriness. Don't get it twisted, I manage my blood sugars to the
point where I have almost lost jobs (in private, away from my crew or
workroom floor, so sometimes i'm missing in action), and my 6 month
check (called the A1C for those counting) was at an all time low (very
good to excellent). That does not mean that I am out of danger.
Diabetes is the number one cause of blindness in adults 25-40.

Diabetic retinopathy happens to all diabetics sometime in their life. It is
a result of being diabetic over time. It happens to both healthy and
unhealthy diabetics. Time is a major factor for all. Either you are
affected and treat it, or you're not.

So I adjust. More carotene, B12 and vitamin A. More fasting and
prayer. More continuous control over my blood sugars. More testing every
6 months and more awareness about this problem, because I am not the
only one. We detected a very treatable result of retinopathy in its early
stages. Nearly half of all diabetics develop this before 40, not too far
off for me.

I'll try my best to continue to blog. I will continue to take photos, y'all
just gon' have to work with me, there are a lot of things I must learn to
adjust to. Untreated retinopathy causes blindness, so, if you can read
this and you're a member in my club, check your sugars, get off your ass
and get them pupils dialated and checked out! I'm gon' be aiight, what
about you?

Van glorious....
Peace and blessings in the name of the most high!
I am soooo glad this so-called holiday nonsense in over. I really do not
like that time of year, and all of the fronting done by those looking to
receive some sort of gift is utterly ridiculous. I think I graced a mall
with my presence once or twice, and that was just to get close to
someone, hang out and chill, and that backfired.

I am glad that some of you find blackisms palatable, I am also glad that
I have haters out there, you keep me on my toes and keep me in
constant thought. Now i'm not saying that the people that have sent me
bad email or comments drive me to either do or not do something, what I
am saying is that I am my own worst critic and to have someone right
there with me is really a show of support, so thanks. Now I don’t have
to say it. You can... and keep it coming!

I urge you to know that blackisms is not for you. Yes, you. It is also not
for me either. I have already been forgiven for my sins, so this is not a
forum for apologies. I chose to write about my life events just because.
Maybe someone other than you can learn from my missteps and not be
me. The world would be a better place if it had less "me" in it. Too much
Hassan is not a good thing... and another thing, don't EVER call me
Hans. That was so yesterday.

I try not to acknowledge the perpetual Roman calendar outside of
respecting other people's use of it, and of course business purposes. I am
not keen on the so-called new year. I see this time we have here as
just time. There is a lot of it, and it does not stop for you, so do
whatever. Just do. I am trying to do, and because I have renounced my
concept of time, this helps me work at my "what" (you do remember the
what don't you?) and I am surprised at my progress. I have a long way
to go before I can call myself whole. I am right in the middle with my
fight to become a man and my questions regarding the Creator and what
He has left for us grow now that more simplistic ones have been
answered.

I feel that my quest to know will take me from Chicago. I love this place
and hate it in the same breath. I wish I could stay forever and I can't
wait to leave at the same time. Back in the day, I traveled to a couple
of places (just a couple) in Europe, and do not wish to go there. A couple
of years ago, my ex's Mother went to Ghana, and was a changed woman
when she came back. A trip to the Motherland!!! Now that is van glorious!
I feel not that I have to go to Afrika to create a link with my cousins,
but I must travel Babylon to connect with my siblings. I must connect
with the so-called 12% and the only way I know how is to be where
you be.

When I can, I will come to where you are and take photos to show the
rest of the fam how you're living. I will also set up a journal and
chronicle my travels and how I was treated. When time permits, I will
transcribe some of my most innermost blackisms and convert them to
mp3 and hide them somewhere on the site. Easter eggs if you will. I will
be adding my photo albums from travels and events covered. I will try to
be current. I will try to answer email. The only thing I cannot let go at
the moment are my writings. That, you'll have to buy. How will the plane
tickets get paid for?

I am also politicking with the brothers and sisters that still make
traveling and fellowship worthwhile. My faith gives me more clarity, so
mosques, synagogue and temple will be visited in an effort to learn what
makes us tick and what makes us keep the money in the family. There is
a commonality and an extreme difference in "what" that we do, and I
want to get to know y'all, seeing as we all have opinions but they are
based on how we came up.

I will keep my posts enjoyable. Understand that they are posts, and not
cryptic messages as some have suggested. I have no problem getting at
the folks I need to get to. I am very appreciative by the emails and
posts in the guestbook. Know that it will go away soon and will be
replaced with a chat forum. DJ Morning Man from mixtapemobile.com will
be providing the sounds that blackisms desperately needs, and the poetry
that has been asked for will be provided in mp3 form. I do have
recordings from some of my performances. Enjoy, this stuff never
belonged to me in the first place.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004


Have you ever encountered someone that wants it now? Have you ever
met someone that never wanted to nurture something, a microwave
person? I have, and it is not a pretty site.

I do not know why people want everything at a moments notice. I came
from a generation that took the necessary time to let things and
situations come to life via investments of time and moderation of pace. I
cannot live where relationships, jobs and finance are built overnight.
Time has always been my friend.

I believe that people should be given the benefit of the doubt, that in
due time if loyalty and trust are proven in different situations, my
undying loyalty will be given to that person. I do not encounter this
anymore, and because I no longer experience this, I am saddened.

No one is promised tomorrow, but I do believe that if you are blessed
with time, the Creator will bless you with the dividends based on your
investment of it. My journey to find myself has been compromised by
people that want things that I cannot give right now, and they have been
warned of this but did not listen. Pain has been caused, and I have
washed my hands of the situation with those folks. I must continue my
mission to find self and do whatever it takes to continue to put the
Creator first. It seems that some people in my life are blinded by their
goals and forgot that faith will lead them wherever they want to go. A
person should never put all of their trust in a person. I just had someone
put their trust in me to lead when I'm still trying to lead myself. They
got burned, but they were warned.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

I will make an announcement to my family at the so called Christmas
gathering. I love my family and I like when we get together but I must
say, I do not like the Christmas thing, and that's all I got to say.

In letting go, you have to acknowledge the points in your life where
you let go. With my ex in that last post, I let go shortly after nearly
dying in that car, I no longer needed the things that witnessed that
relationship and breakdown. There was another time I had to let go and
this time I held it for almost 20 years.

I was about 15 or so. My boy somehow got this gun. It was a 38 special
and it was best toy I think we ever played with at that time. In the
mid to late 80's the gun was a new tool in hip hop. It was the
equalizer for those who didn't acquire knowledge of self. The usage of
the gun, as well as the lack of respect for our women is responsible
for the downfall of hip hop. I was fascinated by this piece of steel.
I never held a gun in my hands before, and it felt like real power. It
was so small, but heavy and I wanted to go outside and shoot. My
partner in crime was willing, so we went up on the train tracks to set
up target practice.

We were stupid as kids. It was about 9pm, and the train tracks were
elevated and isolated on this hill so no one would steal the cargo
from the boxcars when the trains stopped. That didn't work either.
Every chance we got, we would 'hit the freights' by breaking the seals
on the boxcars and using the assembly line method to get the goods to
the bottom of the hill and into basements, garages or wherever we
could conceal the items we stole.

My friend had bought a box of bullets from Sears, so we had plenty of
ammo. It was his gun, so he went first. He couldn't even hold steady
because of the recoil, but it sure looked like fun, I couldn't wait to
fire this thing. My turn. I had to reload the piece, closed the barrel
and aimed at nothing in particular. BAM! BAM! BAM! It was scary and
exciting all at the same time. Nothing had ever felt like this. We
were up there rapping Ice T lyrics, so I can somewhat understand
metal heads back in the day, and then we saw a rabbit.

My friend took aim and used the poor rabbit for target practice. Two
things struck me as funny, the rabbit could not get away and with all the
noise we were making, the police never came. I guess you can really get
used to hearing gunshots and won't even think twice about calling the
law. Damn. Anyway, there was this viaduct that ran under where we
were. The viaduct was a corridor to another faction of a street
organization I called myself running with. I know that people were
walking under that viaduct and saw us because we saw them, but with
the newfound power we had, who would say anything?

The blocks east of where my friend and I lived was a rival gang. The
cats on that block tried to rep their hood as much as we tried to rep
for ours. There were times that we would meet up at this little corner
liquor store and get into very harmless fights. We always fistfighted
with them because no one wanted to go up for shooting someone and no
one wanted to get shot. There was this one guy that had this big ass
head. Since we were about the same size, my assigned beef was with
this cat (everyone was assigned one cat from the other side to 'rumble'
with), and guess who was walking out from under the viaduct with some
female on our side?

Monday, December 20, 2004

And so I try to carry on like everything is okay. I am a chameleon today,
attempting to blend in with whatever. During conversations at a Christmas
party, I am lonely in conversation. No disrespect with those I met today, but I
wanna learn from them on how they got free if it applies. I went out and broke
bread with the closest of you today and still felt out of place. I shared time
with the person I feel is the closest, the holder of the blackisms emotion tool.
I felt distant and I tried to get closer. Did you feel me? I hope so.

Letting go of habit is hard. I can't do this, can't say that, don't go there...
DAMN! I'm sorry, just going through withdrawal or something. I just want to
be free. I want to come and go in this life, do my duty (whatever that is) and
be with those that make my time worthwhile (whoever they are), but I have no
clue on how to get closer to myself. That's the key, knowing myself.
A long time ago I fell in love. I knew that this sister would have my children
and share my home. I knew that her family would be mine, and my family hers.
I left for the military and stayed in touch. She left for college and also
stayed in touch. We knew that summer loves and long distance relationships
would not last, but we tried. Something happened.

When I got out of the service, sistergirl was still in school. I waited and my
reward was her. We were both so different. She had goals that were not
mine, and mine were not hers, but we tried anyway. Something happened still.
Eventually we shacked and never addressed the issue of the change that
happened inside of us. We never acknowledged that deep inside, our desire was
probably to go in separate directions and do whatever it was that made us feel
whole at that time, but it never happened. It started in 89', restarted in 93'
and from 96 to 2000 we made a home built on complacency and mistrust. It did
not last.

In may of 2000 I had a breakdown. Now this sister had been thru the shit
with me, and she had vowed to not leave my side, for that I am still grateful.
I was in love in her, but I noticed she began to withdraw, she was starting to
see the change in me. I wanted the best for us but I realized... There is no
God, no trust, no common goal. There was no union in our relationship.

We built a relationship without counseling from an elder. At the time I was
unwilling to take leadership because I thought I knew best for MYSELF. The
longer we stayed with each other, the more anger and resentment I felt from
her, I knew I had to pull the plug because at that time the both of us were
complacent on being where we were because life was on automatic and we didn't
want or know how to actually establish a relationship with anyone else.

I ended the relationship, but not really, It was already over. One warm night
in May of 2000, my ex and I was in the car with our two closest friends.I got
light headed. I could no longer drive or think rationally. I got an MRI a week
earlier because I thought something was wrong with my head. Headaches,
blackouts and weight loss lead me to believe that I was probably sick but I
wasn't. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I knew the she no
longer deserved or wanted me. I was miserable. I had a horrible job and living
situation, was suicidal but in love with her and confused.

That night I lost control of the wheel but was able to stop the car. My friends
panicked and exited the vehicle, my ex got out too, but I attempted to grab
her and ask for help. Her head hit the car as I did just that. My friends
thought I hit her, they immediately started yelling, even shoving and hitting
me. That convinced her to go. I was crazy and I would probably hurt her. Good
excuse, but no. I was sick of being incapable of leading someone that had faith
in me and not God and I spazzed. I was being punished. She left me that night
and only returned to gather necessities a couple of days later. We have only
spoken 3-4 times since that time, and the last conversation ended with my
apology. God knew that our relationship would not last without him, and at that
time our faith was shaken.

I kept having blackouts until September of 2000. I blacked out at the wheel
of the car my ex and I bought. The car left the road and landed into a ditch.
I had to be pulled from the vehicle. I was blessed cause' I never knew the two
cats who helped me. The vehicle exploded due to the fuel line detaching (not
movie style, only the tires silly!) and I witnessed all of my possessions burn
with the car from the back of an ambulance. Good. My new start after that
day included life with no blackouts, but my problems were far from finished.
God spared me. He saved me. He saved her from me. He blessed us both but I
still loved her, but at that point I had to let go. I did not think I could survive
without her, but I have and she's okay too. I should have learned to let go and
be free then, but i'm hardheaded, and that's another story...

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Freedom is a road seldom travelled by the multitude. I remember it
as a sound byte and a printed phrase. Public Enemy would used
snippets like these to raise awareness that their tapes, wax
records or cds were not just for the head nod. Now that my
comprehension level has been elevated, I know now what freedom
truly is, and I realize that I just got free.

I never knew what it took to have complete control of 'the what'. I
did not know that it took total immersion into that same 'what' and
avoidance of the people, places and things that drive you away from
whatever your 'what' is because folks are scared to do the damn
thing themselves, too deep in their conditioning or the surroundings
are not conducive to you achieving whatever your 'what' is.

So I just let go.

There is no spoon.

Sometimes I can just cry. The fact that I let freedom slip through
my hands for so long makes me say... damn! I know that the
creator has given us everything we need right here. I know that we
have everyone in our lives to make us happy, sometimes we choose
the wrong people to be with and around, and the influence can be
deadly, like a virus.

This the third year in a row that I haven't spoke to my brother on
his birthday.

I finally released guilt that i've been holding in due to causing my
ex-girlfriend's sadness and pain by my actions. I asked for
forgiveness earlier this year from all, but my cries fell on deaf ears.


I drank a beer with one of my brothers from another mother last
week. We haven't spoke since April. We probably won't speak again
for a while, but we ammended what broke the brotherhood.

I avoided going to jail Friday by entering a plea bargin. My financial
irresponsibility to the county and state almost earned me 8 months
in the pokey. Pay your old tickets, fines and taxes man.

Being free is a road travelled by few. Freedom is the ability to
glorify the creator by action and intent. I just learned how to be
free, and it consists of doing... Swallowing one's pride and doing for
Him and not for yourself is not easy, but I am willing to dedicate
the rest of my life to try...

My happiness was at an all time low. My freedom to come and go as
I please was almost non-existent due to the fact that my drivers
license was suspended. God made sure for me to see what I really
had in friends and resources by taking most of my material
possessions. Friends I considered family turned their backs on me.
Contact has been lost and has not been reestablished. I lost a good
paying job and took a lesser paying one so bill paying (and eating) is
an adventure. I now live alone with limited everything. I fell in and
out of love this year... and after all of that...

I'm still here. And now that i've let go, I am now free. And all of
that stuff, money and people I didn't need. I am at the tip of the
iceberg that is my happiness. I'm not there yet and there is much
for me to overstand and set into action, so here comes the hard
part...

living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
golden.

I'll need a little help, y'all. You game?

Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Today was a good day... sort of. I started the day hellbent on filing
motions and vacating the old charges against me, prepping for
Friday's hearing. I only got one fine paid. There are charges against
me in two different counties but I have to go to three different
locations to pay what I owe. So I get to courthouse number one. Not
a lot of people waiting, a plethora of folk behind this massive 80 foot
counter and the 'number served' box is at 7. I take a number. I get
ticket number 20.

About that 80 foot counter. There are about 12 stations with
computers and processing equipment to serve the hard working
people in the great county of Cook, but there are only two people
working these stations. Two. Every three minutes or so, a bunch of
female employees walk from the area behind the counters and back
in, laughing and bantering loudly. Now this particular room which is
the size of a regulation football field is full of county employees,
none of them actually doing anything. I am not making this up. Some
of them are in groups talking, others come and go freely in and out
of the room and stop and chat with other co-workers. Others are
just sitting at various desks on the phone. You can hear some
conversations because as county employees, I guess you're at their
mercy so the discussions over the phone are not business related. I
heard one waaaaaaaaaay in the back talking about the new Ocean's
Twelve flick that just came out.

Anywhoo, It took these two folk about an hour to get from 7 to 20
and then while I was waiting, working employee #1 (older male
gentleman) went over to the lone cashier, also behind the counter
and tinkered with the cash register and literally broke it, shutting
down the line for about 15 minutes. Soon, there were three of the
other socialites, trying in vain to fix the cash register. No avail.
Sister cashier walked away for about 15 minutes and then came
back, this time the register was up. She seemed frustrated but not
from the previous situation.

Number 20! I went up and had to wait through a conversation
between working employees number one and two. From that convo,
I found out why sister cashier was frustrated. She yelled out that
she needed help to properly requisition the amended forms she
had to process to make payment options available for those already
seen at the counter. That's right, you have to go to open counter
one or two to have your info looked up, then you must wait to see
the cashier RIGHT NEXT TO THE OTHER OPEN COUNTER SPACES to
select what you want to do... pay the fine or pay a fee to have an old
charge vacated. Why one can't do this when they walk up to open
counters one and two is a mystery.

After we found an old traffic ticket and some related fines, I was told
that I would have to go to another location to pay the other fines.
Why I could not do that at this particular office was a mystery to me.
"Those are the rules", I was told. Now, sister cashier was frustrated
and angry because available clerk one and two would not remove
the staples from the paperwork, causing her to remove them
herself. Shame. All that attitude over staples. Now we looked up my
ticket number, and the clerk said "Rodney?" and I said "No". She
mistyped the six digit number that I RESEARCHED and gave to her to
help expedite things. She did this about four times and never asked
me my name, SSN or drivers license number. It took her about 10
minutes and some help to get my DL number and identity right. She
gave this to sister cashier and I was almost home! Or at least I
thought.

My motion papers was third in the pile so I saw. I moved over the six
inches from working clerk's station to the designated cashier
station waited. And waited. And waited. Sister cashier got mad about
the staple thing, went to an empty station and started serving other
respondents! She did this for about 45 minutes, and every now and
then she would peek down the long counter to see how many folks
were waiting. Now, clerk one and two got help from two other bored
employees that thought maybe now would be a good time to help
out, seeing that it got very crowded very quickly. People are getting
help finding tickets and fines, but no cashier to help them pay. Forty
nine minutes (and I counted) after getting help from working clerk
number one, my name was called, and this heifer had an attitude
when I told her good afternoon and wished her a good day!

Two hours to do something that could've taken about fifteen
minutes. I was in the suburban office of the clerk of the circuit court
and had to race to the city (downtown, where parking hit me for me
$25) to file motions to vacate other petty offenses I've assessed
over the years. I got there at 4:15. Sisters there started complaining
aloud that no overtime is given by the county of Cook, but a
compassionate sister helped me anyway. Guess what? I have to
miss another day of work tomorrow and make a court appearance to
vacate the remaining fines and tickets, because the city of Chicago
works differently than the suburbs. Same office, different
jurisdiction. Great. I'd rather risk my job missing three days of work
to pay and vacate rather than not doing the deed and going to jail
Friday due to non payment and lack of effort. I'd lose a lot more than
a job if I didn't try. You think?

Monday, December 13, 2004

I am in my mid thirties and I do not have children. I have enjoyed
being in this state for quite some time, me being my only
responsibility that is. In this time frame, I feel that I am in the
express lane on the way to finding myself. I also feel that in the
time given, I have been careless in how I've handled myself and
how I have treated others. I feel that overall I'm a good person,
deserved of good things when I deserve them. There have been
times that I've been at my absolute best, others when I needed a
good ass whoopin' from Mom... extension cord style.

I have overcome many physical difficulties and have gone through
my own share of ups and downs, but right now I cannot shake my
current state of funk. I only have a few people in my inner circle
these days, and I try not to hang much with then; so many
beautiful things are happening and I don't want to bring them down
with my burdens, so I just hang out at the batcave, and work on
the future.

I will appear in court later this week and next on a myriad of
bullshit. My carelessness and neglect will probably land my ass in
jail and I am not a criminal. I let a bunch of minor charges and the
fines related to them snowball into what I can only describe as a
legal and financial nightmare. How does one look life in the eye
right now and see prosperity?

The answer to that question is very simple, faith. Although I know
the answer to this question, it is hard to fully accept it. My faith
is strong, and I know family and friends got my back and prayer
works but, I am blinded right now by the fact that I had a chance
to get myself out of this situation and didn't. It's weird because I
felt that I recently had all of the financial and legal resources
available to make that series of fines and charges go away, but
they really were mirages and manifestations of false hope.

I think I'm being tested by the creator to see how much internal
strength I really have. And I'm beginning to crack. I can't be
around my family right now, they worry too much. My current love
interest is a situation that I will not discuss on this forum. What I
will say is this, complex is a very busy word these days. And that
is in the good context of the meaning. My question is, what must I
do to clear my head and move forward? How do I accept my fate
and know that I can come out of this mentally and spiritually
intact? These are BS charges and fines that will give me some
time, but not a lot. What it will do is help me lose my nondescript
job, put a stain on my permanent record and delay me in my
business ventures for a couple of months, not to mention empty my
pockets and put me back at zero. How can I not be worried?

I have always been as self sufficient as possible, but now I ask for
help. What do I do? Do I pull a 25th hour and spend my last week
campaigning for the party and bullshit ticket, or do I meditate on
protecting my ass (and my ass too) and try to continue what has
been blurred focus on what's in front of me. I know that some of
y'all have been in this situation, and I implore you to get at me and
offer consul.

I have received a metric ton of email from you fam, and I
appreciate it. I have also got requests for what the ipod/car
stereo/office cd player picks of the week are, and as you see, I
have them listed below. I really appreciate the concern, and now
that you have spoken to me, I feel that I must ask for your advice
on how to handle this situation. Hit me and leave me with some
overstanding. I must get through. This is very new to me and I
need to know how to get out of the funk before I sit in that
courtroom. How do I do it?

Sunday December 12, 2004

What if everything changed in the blink of an eye? What if you
went from very comfortable in your life to an expert in
poverty? How many paychecks are you from being homeless?
What is your backup plan? Do you have one?
I spoke to a lot of fam over the past couple of days, and I
found out that a lot of us aren't really prepared for what I like
to call "the coming", you know, the day they come to your
specific spot in cubicle city and ask you to gather all of your
personal possessions... and your security badge.
How is it that out of all populations on the planet, black folk
can't seem to "just go away"? We lead the league in
influence, from fashion to linguistics, people seem to want to
be like us, but not be like us. Should there be some sort of
repayment system set in place? In my opinion, no. It is time
to claim and reclaim what belongs to us and administer it for
the longevity of the craft. We also must perform out duties
here in this existence like we want to be here, and for that to
happen, we must let go of this way of life and adopt the ways
set forth by the Creator and our ancestors to make sure we
will not grow weak in the future. This is happening now, and
it is very unacceptable.
I still don't understand the value we put in things that
depreciate as soon as we acquire it. I remember when BET
was watchable. Don't get it twisted, I like to peek at a nice
round ass like the next man, but what about my kid nephew?
There has to be more programming available... oh that's right,
Bob Johnson sold BET (thanks for reminding me Mos). Vote
money, ho's and clothes in 2005. Almost forget the rims.
In other words, our values are based in sex, high end fashions
and auto accessories instead of long term relationships,
respect for self, real estate and re-acquisition of advanced
knowledge that our people taught the world. Damn, I guess
we will never unplug from the matrix. We are drowning and
we are still in the ship's ballroom partying as it sinks into the
ocean. What a waste of melanin. I love you and hate you in
the same breath. Not all of y'all, but there are enough to
influence my feelings. Clarence was right. 85 percent, lost
and unrecoverable. I wish we all can go together when the
bus comes...
I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do. Our community is so
self destructive right now I feel like I have no faith in our
endeavors. It's like watching that drunk uncle at the family
reunion destroy whatever chances he had to re establish the
relationship that was oh so powerful back in the day. I do
have faith in some. There are brothers and sisters in the
struggle that are working hard to raise the God
consciousness and bring back the commitment that we once
had to the block. It's almost like that Matrix series... most of
us are asleep but are still able to control our destiny.
Don't ignore the signs...
It's right in front of you...
Red or blue pill...

Wednesday, December 8


Ain't nothing like family. There are people in your family unit that
influence who you become. I have more than one influence, from
the way my cousin Ben chased his baseball dreams, to the way my
uncle Ed delivered on his promise to provide both spiritually and
economically to his family. From my aunts D.D. and Vivian
conquering adversity and redefining themselves to gain the power
that was always theirs, to my brother Herch, raising 6 kids,
something I can never do. Can't forget about my aunt Desiree,
everything she did was amazing!

One person that influences me the most is my Grandmother
Dorothy. I've never met anyone that consistent. Ever. Consistent?
Well, from what I know personally from what I learned, she has
always lived her life according to her faith and has never faulted in
it. Amazing. Now don't get it twisted, no one is perfect, but so far,
with no disrespect to anyone else, she's very close. She is God's
perfect interpreter, the family patriarch and head counselor. She
has seen it, and will definitely indicate to you how to get through it,
but you must have faith and pray. Proven stuff, tried and true. This
Saturday we celebrate 75 years of blessings, but we partied last
week (thank you Linda, Trice). And by God's grace, we will party
again.

I wish that I could steal all of the extra joy my family had from last
week's celebration, but I can't. I am in a heavy funk, brought on by
my Aunt's death a couple of months ago, a close friend being
murdered about a month ago and my current situation. I notice that
life doesn't stop. You get ample time to stop and smell the roses,
but you also get equal time (like an electoral debate) to wade in the
doo doo. Why the poopie doodie lasts longer it seems, I don't
know. Maybe we put more emphasis on the negative than the
positive as I learned back in college. Who knows? The one thing I
can say with most certainty is I am not happy at this particular
juncture. Haven't been for a while. And it's getting worse. So I blog.
And talk to Grandma.

I'll try some new things. The locks may go bye bye. I'm think about
the Peace Corps daily, but I came up in the belly of the beast, so I
would have to give back before I leave the hood altogether, so
seminary is an option. Problem is, I hate religion, but I know that
"He" exists. It might be time to give up on charred mammal flesh if I
want to live. Every day, I've been tempted to just quit my job, stop
writing and just go. Somewhere. Haven't figured out where
somewhere is, if you got an idea, let me know. I keep getting
blessed with good folk in my life, never asked for them, but glad
they're here. You know who you are. I try to maintain distance, but
friendships require closeness, so you know where that leads.
Yeah, that.