Et ainsi nous clôturons ce chapitre...

Attachement. Personne n'ont défini ce meilleur que Coretta Scott King. Quand d'autres auraient pleuré et s'étaient alors écartés et avaient commencé plus de, elle est restée consacrée au mouvement et a travaillé dans lui aiment son mari aurait est elle était morte. Une volonté phénoménale de femme que j'a manquée. Je souhaite que j'aie eu de meilleurs mots ce matin, mais je pas . Nous avons perdu notre mère consacrée, nous devrions remercier Dieu de sa présence. Le repos et soit avec lui. Vous avez souffert avec nous assez longtemps.








Paix et bénédictions au nom du plus haut!

J'aime toujours les extrémités le mois, il me met au courant qu'il y a un décalage et une partie différente de la saison à venir.

Le temps sera éteint jeûne dépensé, obtenir rolfed et s'ajuster sur un yogi suburbain et son dextérité. Je projette seulement sur digérer le fluide pour le mois entier de février, là doit beaucoup purger.

Colonics pour chacun!!!

Je re-ai enregistré les joints I requis et les vocals sont venus hors de différent. Quoi que. Doit être le nouveau vibe.

Je suis Laylah au courant qui j'essayerai d'être à New York pour sa réception dimanche. Le problème est, c'est cuvette superbe dimanche, et le kickoff serait une heure après que l'événement commence.

J'ai également promis certains de mes anciens frères que je voyagerais à Detroit et serais tout vers le haut au milieu du hooplah. N'ont pas composé mon esprit.

J'ai obtenu de faire un choix. C'est chose d'argent. Ma décision devrait être rapide après avoir vérifié mes comptes cette semaine.

Rendant itenary pour frapper Atlanta, C.c, Memphis et Nashville, New York, Dallas, ressorts du Colorado et par Los Angeles (Oxnard, merci Troy!) en 90 jours suivants en ma "s'est cassé comme baise - achetez un livre ainsi je puis excursion prendre ma maison noire d'âne". Je soumets à une contrainte au-dessus de l'art de couverture et de l'attache du short qui est libéré. Je ne sais pas quelle taille ce devrait être. Je veux qu'il soit compact, mais mon nouveau traiteur dit autrement. Elle veut qu'il soit normal. La normale ne se vend pas. Plus, je supporterai cette merde sur la route et je dois être aussi léger que possible et avoir quelque chose qui attire definately l'attention avant que vous la fendiez ouverte.

Le type est prêt à présenter ses observations sur le blog, mais ce n'est pas février encore.

J'aurai besoin de $4800 pour le proceedure chirurgical. Pour ceux qui savent, priez que l'excursion est profitable. Je vous entends Nikki, je fais vraiment.

Nikki... J'ai juste eu besoin de temps ai laissé l'évier de mots dedans. Vous croyez en moi quand je n'ai pas cru en me, et c'est toujours de cette façon. Merci, et le nah... Je vous ai dit que je n'étais pas fou...

Je copping un enregistreur de DVD aujourd'hui ainsi je puis finalement vider toute la substance au loin de mon TiVo. Je suis actuellement à la capacité de 97%. Le programme le plus ancien enregistré, les millions entiers de plus mouvement comme brodcast sur l'C-Envergure. J'étais mort d'envie d'obtenir ceci à DVD. Also, la course blanche entière de playoff de Chicago Sox, y compris la série du monde. J'ai besoin de la preuve pour des ventilateurs de Cub que cet événement a eu lieu réellement.

Aimer le nouveau gig. Je ne fais rien et obtiens payé beaucoup pour faire ainsi. A acheté le kit à la maison pour mon XM reciever, il était la première chose que j'ai mis dessus mon bureau. L'écoulement (canal 61) change le paysage entier de mon bureau. Se sent bon pour avoir un de ceux en arrière. Il est été un moment. Ainsi ce n'était pas mon dernier poteau... quoi que.

C'est le jour où le seigneur a fait.
Le demain est un autre jour.
J'espère vous voir alors.

Hello and Goodbye

The picture says a lot on how I feel and what I've learned during my self imposed sabbatical.




I'll be ready to share next week. I will be a little more forthcoming on how I got to this place and how it affected the new way I see myself, how a few friends have seen/now see me and how recent events had a lot to do with things I had no idea could ever interconnect with other things.

I still need prayer and love, but I'm not as fragile as I was.

My goals and plans for my life have changed since I got back. Somewhat.

I traveled a little and saw some things from the outside in. Wow, I was buggin'. Love makes you do that though. Just temporarily crazes you. I'll expound on that soon.

I am not angry or anything, nor am I depressed. I am still a bit disappointed I guess. I never got to testify, but the trial is over and the judge has made a decision. I just know that sometimes people cannot see what you see. I don't know if I'm willing to reveal what I see to some anymore. Sometimes I just want all of us to see the same picture, even if it seems like an impossible feat.

I lost a close associate and good friend since the year started. I gained 2 new people that have kept me occupied in thought and prayer since I lost that good old friend. God moves you when you least expect it. I needed thought and prayer, so thank you.

I no longer have a best friend. Moms was right, you only get one or two true friends in your lifetime.

I spent a little time in Florida spitting in a vocal booth. I already have to scrap that material and re-record.

Shit happens, but for good reason. I wish I could explain that to those I care for. I must once again renig on some shit... I believe that God puts you in places and sometimes it displaces the ones you directly affect (and vice versa). I found myself and my purpose by being in certain places with certain people at certain times. I was shown things that will never leave my mind's eye and affects the way I do things now. I love the fact that I got a chance to view the world under the Light. I can see clearly now, the rain is indeed gone.

In an attempt to purge, I wrote a short. I also wrote 9 new joints. 6 are done, and I will release the music with the short. It's kinda hot. Whatever. In travelling, I've worked to book myself to perform the new material in a few joints near some of y'all. I'll need more plane tickets to do that, so I took a job locally with an internet startup. I'm scared. Whatever to that too. What happened to me recently turned out to be a launch pad in me splitting and that other half becoming my outspoken and emotionally charged doppleganger. He's got good material.


Beware of him, he's coming Monday to take over my blog.


This should be my last post. I'm stepping down to let him take over. I'll check in periodically to make sure he ain't abusing his priviledges. If we're close, I've already said my goodbyes via phone, in person and email. There are so many I wish I could personally thank for your words and encouragement. Thank you all. There are so many I'll never get a chance to either see or hear, thank you to you too.

It has indeed been a privilige to have crossed paths...
Maybe in a next lifetime... All in due time.

Hotep

See you guys sometime in February.

I shouted a few over at the blackisms site.


Bread crumbs.


Be easy, y'all.


With more love than you'll ever know,

Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo

finding me

I will no longer hide what I feel... I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, but in the same breath I keep getting sick... This is so much therapy just putting my ish out there in the universe... I hope I can be an example for brothers to see where they need not be and what not to do. I seem to have that problem endearing myself to folks and finding a way to sabotage that shit. I hate that about me. I don't hate myself. I'm coming to realize that I might need to become another self. I wish I knew how to do that. Maybe y'all can help me... I don't feel it's too late, but I do feel like I'm running out of time.

I said that yesterday. I meant it too. I must find ways and explore possibilities to make change where change is due. I am out of alignment and I wish to be in a better place emotionally and spiritually.

I feel like I am getting further away from The Creator.

I need to get closer... I need to be closer.

I still pray and meditate. I still beg for forgiveness. I still look to be right in the eye...


I still feel guilt and shame. I wish to put these things behind me and release my struggle. I have health and opportunity, why cant I be happy in just this?

I know.

I need to make things right and soon.

All I ever wanted out of all of the things one can have in this world is to be loved in return. It's not that momma didn't, but I'm 35 this year and I haven't had reciprocation as an adult. Not once. It makes me want to do destructive things, disrespect myself and cause problems to gain that kind of favor, but my momma raised me and my daddy reared me under the great vision and presence of the Alpha and Omega, so I know better. Even when I have done something that was out of pocket, the guilt was more unbearable that the pain I feel knowing I participated and was rewarded for taking human life. Don't ask. There were things I had to do get to this point of desperation January 19 2006... I live because they don't, and I came to terms with that so long ago.

That means I have purpose in being here?

If so, why am I so hellbent in thinking about ending it sometimes?

I want to feel like getting up every morning. These past couple of weeks, I've been so conflicted, afraid and ashamed of myself it wouldn't have mattered if I stayed asleep. I'm too much of a coward to even pull the trigger anyway, so my shame is that much greater. Sometimes I feel like I'm using up oxygen that someone else could definitely use. I know I want the opposite, so I fast, pray and monitor myself so much closer, because this week I want to live. I know that this up and down is depression, and I am not the one for medication. I know that action is needed to get up out of this funk. I don't want to do something stupid, but sometimes emotions get the best of me and cloud my judgment. I can no longer be this person, because I feel like he will become so overwhelmed one day and he will take his own life. That's why he is who he is and I talk about him as if we are not related.

I can't stand him.

I can't wish him death... He is I and I am him.

The me that I know I am is not obsessed with death and destruction. He is full of life and is able to create and revel in it as if someone else made it and he hears it for the first time. He loves chocolate and Coca Cola Zero enough to take an entire hour to savor it. He likes to do way too much. He doesn't sleep because he's knee deep in making something. He wants happy: Happy job, happy marriage and wants to make happy babies. This dude has a gift... He's just buried somewhere and needs to find a way to get back to the surface.

I need to make the change in order to become me again.

I'm aware, afraid and desperate all in one right now. I feel like I just woke up and my vision is blurred. I want to get up and make something of my days. I pray that my father hears me and I don't get ignored because of my actions and bad thoughts.

I want rejoice and be glad in it.

Again.


Can you hear me?

Moving on...

Moving away from how I felt...

Shit happens, right?

Aiight then.

So I go to visit my boy yesterday. He asked me if I mentioned that he got hit on my blog and if I used his name. I told him that I let a little info go because I didn't want to leave out what happened, but I didn't expose him... It didn't make sense if folks had to wonder why I've been so shook emotionally (other than what happened with her). Before I went over there, I called first to see if his wife was there, I wasn't sure what her schedule was. The last time I saw her outside of the hospital that Friday she decided she wanted to scrap with me. Found out she heard that I left dude laying out there after he got shot. I went around the block, but I came right back. I was scared and it was damn near instinct for me to pull off. I did apologize to dude and to his wife, but that's the thing, that's her man and I'd be hot too if I thought a friend left my loved one in the middle of a fracas like that.

I'm sorry.

Can't say that enough.

Anyhoo, dude needed to know if I mentioned his name and I told him no. He asked if I had pics of anything related on my flickr page, once again no. Asked if I mentioned his wife in my blog, I told him yes. Between me bouncing around while damaging the car and fighting his wife that day I got a few bruises and I felt needed to explain why I looked like someone choked the shit out of me, so I did mention that I got snapped on. I told dude that I mentioned how things went down after I spoke to my mother and how she helped me realize that things interconnect and I should learn what to do with myself from things like this.

Dude is okay. He was concerned that him and his wife were put on blast. I no longer have a connection with his lady. I believe we're still friends. I'm praying time will heal this.

I'm not going to front. I feel like I ruined a few folks lives in the past couple of weeks and months. I now wish that I could have kept to myself in some instances. I'm being told that I'm learning something by going through what seems to me to be some seriously fucked up situations.

I love my people, I love my old neighborhood. I was just condo shopping in the area in which I grew up and I really felt good being there. I got some things working where I might be able to buy a piece of property in the neighborhood and set up shop with the non profit close by, but I think about being in a place in which there are people that have contempt towards me. I think about certain neighborhoods and certain people and who they know. I think about me not being able to perform my pieces at certain venues. I think about that corner and wonder what would have happened if I were getting out of the car and got hit. Mind you dude only had a flesh wound and had no organs damaged, but he got shot all the same. I think about running into people that don't want to run into me and vice versa. I don't know if I want to live in the midst of that right now.

I wasn't supposed to be there.
Just like I wasn't supposed to be thinking about a relationship.
Just like I wasn't supposed to do that Christmas thing.
I lost focus... I wasn't supposed to cross paths with certain folk.
I forgot about how I can affect people's shit.
Not going to happen again.

I'm not saying that I'm not going to open up to folk, what I am saying is that until I improve on lots of internal things, I don't plan on even hanging out. That cannot happen again. That will not happen again. I wasn't supposed to open up and reveal so much of myself to folks. I was not supposed to receive what I did, or else it would no have been taken back so abruptly. I have so many issues internally that I must work on before I try to connect with someone. I also wasn't supposed to be hanging out with certain folk. I should not even be working in the city. I need to be in a place where I can isolate and work to improve myself. I found a job opportunity that can change my life and I really want to take it if things pan out. It's in Orlando and that along with my brother looking outside of Chicago now has me looking at cities other than Chicago to live and work. I'm feeling the relocation thing, I think that'll work for me.

I still plan on publishing the stuff I wrote and I think that I can do that from anywhere. I'm sad that I probably have to scrap plans to get my non profit off the ground in the Chi. I really wanted to come home and do something, anything to change the look on the faces of some of the shorties in my old neighborhood. I think change is good in some aspect, and this might a good time to make change. I still plan on erecting a ministry within the Millions More Movement and becoming an asset to my people. I still plan on spitting poetic pieces and making beats for beats sake. I just don't know where I'll land and do it. I am afraid to set foot in Chicago, and it ain't because someone shot at my car. I don't even know if we were the intended targets seeing as random gunfire is a way of life in some neighborhoods. I still haven't thought this thing all the way through, but after going through so much in a short period of time I need to break away and keep my shit to myself. I guess it's at this point that I'm supposed to feel like a sucker and a damn fool for allowing myself to to allow others in at such a vunerable and uncertain point in my life. All that did is spread more uncertainty. I still can't believe I got caught with my mouth open.

I'm not running, I just think that change will do me some good. I love my ideas, but maybe they're for someone else to do. I love the thought of me being in love and hanging out with my friends and family, but I think there's a reason why I never married or had kids. This job op in Florida would require me to travel extensively and what I probably need right now is to keep busy. If I'm alone and am short on time, I cannot fuck up someone else's' shit with all of my emotions and indecision. Too many signs point to me getting away from here. I'll need to take a vacation, think and see if this the right thing to do.

It ain't where you're from, it's where you're at... Right?

Honestly, I felt like dying. I cannot believe that there were actions done by me that caused someone to turn away. It seems sad in a sense because I'm used to that kind of shit. Rejection. Sometimes I hate my life so much that I no longer want to be me. I can't help it. I didn't do everything right. I probably didn't say the right things. I don't think I did, but somehow I got lost in the flurry of emotions that causes me to be me and forgot about her and everything that caused me to leap out on faith and believe that she is the one. I know that life just doesn't go on all regular like. My heart just doesn't release that feeling like... Next! It cannot. I know I probably question things too much and probably get a little too extreme, but when I love I love so hard and am willing to jump in front of her to catch the bullet... I can't stop expressing the pain. I opened up and shared all that is Hassan. All of my hopes, dreams and secrets, all of my plans and strategies, my innermost fears. I know that it didn't go down a drain, released to bullshitville. I know that my conversations were not fodder. That, I do not understand. I know now that I must move forward. I also know that some of the things I feel right now will be damn near forgotten months and years from now. One thing. I fell in love. I never have like this before. I felt the shift in my core, my alignment changed and my gravitational pull became different. She changed my life. I am trying to gain better understanding on how I must move forward after someone comes into your life and changes everything. I still have a sense of purpose. I am not motivated to become one with that purpose yet. Until I understand, which I probably never will. So today I move, reluctantly but I move all the same. I cannot remain in this funk but in the same breath I cannot force myself to move from this space. Do I need a phone call, yes, but I will never get it. The forces of nature demands that all ties be cut off so one can refocus. She ain't calling. Get over it. Next issue. Would I like to have conversation? Yes. I would like to bring all that has happened to closure thru speaking. Guess what? Ain't gonna happen. The rules of the game says 'enough of this bullshit, the reason I cut you off is because I didn't want to even go down that road in the first place. You are not worth additional convo. You'll bring up the reasons and I'll hurt again and you'll keep asking because you don't understand.' That is what pierces men and causes unbelievable pain for ungodly periods of time. It makes us lose focus and harp at the obvious. It causes us to do silly things to regain attention. We are men, we cannot move on without proper periods of mourning. Our logic is flawed. We need logic to complete the formula so we can know what not to do in our next endeavor. I still want a relationship. I still want to share my love with the movement. I still want to be of the people and live in the hood checking for the shorties. I am still hip hop. I am that tragic song that cats bump their heads to but don't want to mouth the words. I am the unheard track that Biggie and Pac spit on, laying on a shelf under an inch of dust left unplayed because the producer knows that even the hardest head will shed a tear after the downbeat hits the speaker. I am that pool of blood that Big L shed in that alley after he was shot over bullshit. I'll seep into the cracks of the ground and nourish a dandelion and a little crabgrass. Those weeds hold life, but no one wants them in their yard. I am the legacy of Trouble MC: Too much talent, too little time, not enough recorded material to put out a tribute CD. I am the voice of the D.O.C. - loud and powerful, ready to represent a new breed of emcee, reduced to a whispery gravel. I'm still working on coming up from this. I have no answers.

and so the extra gift has turned into

A plane ticket.




I messed up.

I am ashamed.

I wish I could reverse the foul act.

I wish she knew how much this hurts.

I think she knows, I am blocked from messaging her (well, she been done that).

She hasn't returned my email.

I am done.

I feel like death has hovered over me for quite a long time now.

I quit my job today.

I need to relocate.

I don't know if I can be here anymore.

I'm already packed... might as well do something about it.

I'm scrapping my projects... For now. No one wants to hear my pain.

I found an opportunity in Florida, that seems far enough.

I don't want to stop blogging, but I might have to.

I no longer have balance.

I don't think I ever will.

broken beyond repair

I made the biggest mistake in my life.

Indecision has me reeling in bad feelings.

I had originally wished that I could fix what I had broken, but all indications are that I must now walk alone instead of having a hand to grab.

I made a mess out of Christmas and New Years, and now I must pay.

I purchased a gift for her when she initially told me not to. To be honest, she didn't want the gift I was buying - she called it "too much, too soon". I am deaf to those that say that some things are not worth having. I fall head first into me just doing things for the friendship or romantic significance, although I needed to tread the line with the purchase of this gift. It is expensive but practical, and after an incident that made this gift necessary for me to give, I thought that I could best serve multiple purposes:

Replacing a needed toy.
Giving a Christmas gift.
Being spontaneous.
Feeling good that she has something from me that she needs.

I didn't mean for the gift to be taken as prelude to my feelings. Although I was falling in love with this sister, I wanted the gift to be looked as a practical item. Wasn't the case. I got the sideways RCA Victor dog look and a question about the intent of my gift a few days after I revealed exactly what is was, cause I didn't want anyone else to buy it and I needed her to put that out in the universe so all knew.

I'm sure you've read that I had problems ordering the thing because of it's popularity. I'm also sure you know that I finally got the thing last week. I'm also sure you know that I still have the thing, and today is her birthday.

I caught hell from a few family members and a couple of friends when I told them that I planned on giving the gift, even though there was a decision to move in another direction between her and I. I am officially heartbroken right now. I opened myself up to someone that also opened up and we shared a lot. We spent a little time, although I wish there was more time that could have been spent. I feel like because we didn't get together in the flesh like we should have I was seen as 'less than advertised'.

I lost my job in us getting close, and I think that had a lot to do with me being seen as a non provider. The past hustle, a little AFLAC and a whole lot of cashing in my savings helped me get thru. Someone said that you should have at least 6 months of savings saved up in case of layoffs, firings or feeling froggy and walking off your job. I had a little more than 6, a few credit cards and some knuckleheads and business folk that owed me money. I was forthcoming about my finances, I was cashing in my 401k in December and I lost a lot, and the money came in spurts. I was interviewing and not finding comfort or stability to my standards, so I turned a few jobs down. That probably looked arrogant and irresponsible to the sister and I knew this, but I kept on pushing.

I started working on my business plan to start a business and that fed my ego and hunger to remain independent. I realized that the non profit I wanted to get off the ground could replace my corporate gig, so I dove in head first. I think she was digging that, but I also think that she still wanted me to represent correctly and get a straight job. Thanksgiving came and I was not speaking to my family. It had lasted damn near 6 months and she took a bold step and invited me to her family gathering. I no-showed. I fell into a depressed haze and took my frustrations out on some furniture. I had never been in that place before. I got a few voicemail messages wishing that I dropped dead so I could never ruin a family thanksgiving again. I didn't know that certain people had that much contempt for me. I felt angry and suicidal for the first time in my life and I knew that I could not be around people. I wanted to be with my family, and I could not. I kept my depression and anger at home. That hurt her.

She called me, we talked and I think the weeks after turkey day mended things. I got a chance to spend more time with her and her family and I was in love with the love they had for each other. I think my situations and feelings towards certain things and family turned her off. We went out on Christmas eve and I knew the vibe had changed. We did not spend Christmas together. New Years either. A few days into January I got my walking papers, and I was devastated. I think there was a little too much going on in my life for her and I understand that. To note, I did get back with my family the week of Christmas. I mended fences, spent time and found the missing link to that feeling one gets during the holiday season. I did not get a chance to share that with her.

The phone calls stopped.
Instant messaging was far and few.
I have every text message she ever sent. I even bought a new phone so I could keep the texts intact until I found a way to download them.

She asked me about the gift a few days ago, and I told her I was stalling, I knew that our exchange would probably be our last and I didn't want that. To further the damn situation, I had people begging me not to give her this gift and I got their reasons why in the worst manner. I couldn't get them out of my ear. It became problematic. I want to give this gift to her no matter what has been done and said because I am a man of my word. Nuff said.

But I still love her.
Giving it to her now shows ulterior motive.
Stalling shows weakness.
I don't know what to do or say.

And today is her birthday.

This is so unrepairable.

broken beyond repair

I made the biggest mistake in my life.

Indecision has me reeling in bad feelings.

I had originally wished that I could fix what I had broken, but all indications are that I must now walk alone instead of having a hand to grab.

I made a mess out of Christmas and New Years, and now I must pay.

I purchased a gift for her when she initially told me not to. To be honest, she didn't want the gift I was buying - she called it "too much, too soon". I am deaf to those that say that some things are not worth having. I fall head first into me just doing things for the friendship or romantic significance, although I needed to tread the line with the purchase of this gift. It is expensive but practical, and after an incident that made this gift necessary for me to give, I thought that I could best serve multiple purposes:

Replacing a needed toy.
Giving a Christmas gift.
Being spontaneous.
Feeling good that she has something from me that she needs.

I didn't mean for the gift to be taken as prelude to my feelings. Although I was falling in love with this sister, I wanted the gift to be looked as a practical item. Wasn't the case. I got the sideways RCA Victor dog look and a question about the intent of my gift a few days after I revealed exactly what is was, cause I didn't want anyone else to buy it and I needed her to put that out in the universe so all knew.

I'm sure you've read that I had problems ordering the thing because of it's popularity. I'm also sure you know that I finally got the thing last week. I'm also sure you know that I still have the thing, and today is her birthday.

I caught hell from a few family members and a couple of friends when I told them that I planned on giving the gift, even though there was a decision to move in another direction between her and I. I am officially heartbroken right now. I opened myself up to someone that also opened up and we shared a lot. We spent a little time, although I wish there was more time that could have been spent. I feel like because we didn't get together in the flesh like we should have I was seen as 'less than advertised'.

I lost my job in us getting close, and I think that had a lot to do with me being seen as a non provider. The past hustle, a little AFLAC and a whole lot of cashing in my savings helped me get thru. Someone said that you should have at least 6 months of savings saved up in case of layoffs, firings or feeling froggy and walking off your job. I had a little more than 6, a few credit cards and some knuckleheads and business folk that owed me money. I was forthcoming about my finances, I was cashing in my 401k in December and I lost a lot, and the money came in spurts. I was interviewing and not finding comfort or stability to my standards, so I turned a few jobs down. That probably looked arrogant and irresponsible to the sister and I knew this, but I kept on pushing.

I started working on my business plan to start a business and that fed my ego and hunger to remain independent. I realized that the non profit I wanted to get off the ground could replace my corporate gig, so I dove in head first. I think she was digging that, but I also think that she still wanted me to represent correctly and get a straight job. Thanksgiving came and I was not speaking to my family. It had lasted damn near 6 months and she took a bold step and invited me to her family gathering. I no-showed. I fell into a depressed haze and took my frustrations out on some furniture. I had never been in that place before. I got a few voicemail messages wishing that I dropped dead so I could never ruin a family thanksgiving again. I didn't know that certain people had that much contempt for me. I felt angry and suicidal for the first time in my life and I knew that I could not be around people. I wanted to be with my family, and I could not. I kept my depression and anger at home. That hurt her.

She called me, we talked and I think the weeks after turkey day mended things. I got a chance to spend more time with her and the family and I was in love with the love they had for each other. I think my situations and feelings towards certain things and family turned her off. We went out on Christmas eve and I knew the vibe had changed. We did not spend Christmas together. New Years either. A few days into January I got me walking papers, and I was devastated. I think there was a little too much going on in my life for her and I understand that. To note, I did get back with my family the week of Christmas. I mended fences, spent time and found the missing link to that feeling one gets during the holiday season. I did not get a chance to share that with her.

The phone calls stopped.
Instant messaging was far and few.
I have every text message she ever sent. I even bought a new phone so I could keep the texts intact until I found a way to download them.

She asked me about the gift a few days ago, and I told her I was stalling, I knew that our exchange would probably be our last and I didn't want that. To further the damn situation, I had people begging me not to give her this gift and I got their reasons why in the worst manner. I couldn't get them out of my ear. It became problematic. I want to give this gift to her no matter what has been done and said because I am a man of my word. Nuff said.

But I still love her.
Giving it to her now shows ulterior motive.
Stalling shows weakness.
I don't know what to do or say.

And today is her birthday.

This is so unrepairable.

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My universe is out of alignment. I got shot at, a friend got shot, I fought his girlfriend (okay, fended her off), having hourlong debates with family about a woman I love that isn't that into me causing a family member to think I'm gay, I'm confused about giftgiving and the intent of giving and how it relates to fate, one of my closest friends called me a snitch, my new job sucks and I lost a deposit (temporarily) on a rental car. I need to jack out of the matrix. And fast.

Now that you know a little about me...

I must let you in on what I believe and what I consider 'my truths'.

I also want to let you know how I really feel about things and why.

I also need to come clean and straighten out some things you think you know (and you know who you are) about how I got 'here'

but first... I need some sleep. I've spent my entire weekend in the city dealing with family business. It's damn near 2:30 in the morning and I just walked in the door...

For the first time in my life I am fatigued and confused. I usually know (or at least think I know) how I'm going to handle.

Today, I don't.

Allow me to introduce myself...

My name is Hassan.

I was not always Hassan. I changed my name in 2000 to reflect the man that I am now by studying and obtaining knowledge of self.

Hassan: he who improves and makes himself better
Olumoroti: it is with God that I stand
Ntimbanjayo: noble family

(all three of my chosen nomenclature are of Yoruban selection)

I am still a student of God's commands and Christ's teachings.

I believe in the Creator, his Son, and his prophets.

I am 34 years old.

I am currently re-relocating to Chicago, Illinois (I used to live there).

I am the 2nd child of Debra and the only child of George. I have only spoken to George once (the day before my 8th grade graduation). I have no intention to speak with him at this point.

I have an older brother by 14 months and a younger brother and sister a decade younger. My older brother defers to me, actually telling folks that I am the oldest child. We cannot be in the same room for more than 5 minutes. I love him dearly, but we still fight like we're children, and because we don't really approve of each other's decisions thought process about things. He's a straight up hustler, I take a business approach. We both want the same thing. Financial freedom. I haven't seen or spoken to him in over 6 months. That's normal. Not speaking with the rest of my family isn't.

I've never been married.

I have no kids.

I'd like to be a husband and a father in the future, but I do not rush what God has planned for me.

I am a veteran of the armed forces, serving and participating in 2 major conflicts during-non peace times.

I lived outside the US for 3 years.

I have had portions of my right hand, right leg, right knee, (and most recently the bottom of my left foot) head and abdomen either re-stitched, rebuilt or repaired. After losing a few minor bodyparts and having some added, I amazingly still function at 100% with no pain or visible limping.

I am diabetic. I do not take medication for my condition. I monitor it regularly. I am tired of pricking my fingers. I lost over 200 pounds since 1998 because I was scared to be known as the guy that ate himself to death. My diet mostly consists of raw tuna, mixed vegetables, oatmeal, various fruits and juice from a juicing machine. I have raw tuna over cold mixed vegetables 3 times a day damn near every day.

I am a recent vegetarian. I function better as a diabetic without red meat and poultry.

I play 3 instruments. And not well any more.

I speak one and a half languages and have a great overstanding of the Caribbean patois and it's different island variations.

I am an avid reader and information (news) junkie.

I write literary notes, personal memoirs and technical notes daily.

I have this thing I do like John Nash (the subject of the movie "A Brilliant Mind") where I plot, strategize, write and calculate on napkins, brown paper bags and paper scraps, sometimes for hours on end. I have an active analytical mind and I feel the need to get it on paper before my mind moves to it's next invention.

I am a spoken word poet. I am performing my first original piece on 2006 tonight at a spot in my old neighborhood. It's been damn near a year and a half since I blessed the mic on the south side of the Chi... I am a little nervous.

I am a former business owner. I failed miserably at my former businesses. Those older business plans have become templates for my current one.

Every morning I take 2 hours after I wake to meditate and gain focus on the day. I have perfected "ghetto yoga" from watching the "For Dummies" DVD and "Yoga For Regular Guys" series.

I used to be a rapper/performing artist. I also tried my hand at becoming a DJ. I was also a college recruiter, a postal mailhandler, a bank loan officer, a tech support specialist, a telephone installer/repairguy, an IT hardware support analyst, an HVAC technician, a personnel security clerk, a benefits consultant and an executive search recruiter. I also drove an army colonel around for a year and answered his cellphone (I carried his golf clubs too). I studied, trained and got my paper as an electrical engineer, but has never worked as one.

My favorite color is blue. (Obsidian Blue created by Nike for the "Air" shoe lines in 1983 is the boss, baby)

I used to be Republican. Now I revolt.

I think about Desiree and Kris multiple times a day. I really miss my aunt, and I wish I could have been a better friend to Kris.

I am no longer afraid of anything (used to be). Including death.

Speaking of such, I recently contemplated suicide. Luckily, I changed my mind.

I was in a 12 year relationship... Oh, and a 5 year one too.

I carry a digital camera everywhere I go.

I cannot have a one night stand... I believe in soul ties.

it's been more than 150 days since I last had an intimate encounter.

I love Hip Hop and it's sub-cultures. I remember rap lyrics from songs all the way back to Fat Back Ben and The Funky Four Plus One More. I memorized the Busy Bee/Kool Moe Dee battle mixtape as a kid and every now in then in the line at the bank... It comes out.

I believe that I will die before I turn 60. My mind and spirit tells me that I should do everything I can to enjoy what life has to offer right now...

I cannot sleep, and have not since yesterday. I finally crashed after a week of insomnia. It was a week of non sleep before that. I got in the house at 9:30 this morning (NYE party ended @ 6am, and we went to breakfast afterwards) and I can't seem to get to sleep right now (1:24pm Sunday, Jan 1, 2006).

I have never fallen in love in the past. I might be falling now but...

Imani

Faith focuses on honoring the best of our traditions, draws upon the best in ourselves, and helps us strive for a higher level of life for humankind, by affirming our self-worth and confidence in our ability to succeed and triumph in righteous struggle.

I actually know someone that is the living example of Imani.

She shines a light in my direction and I learn from her faith and actions.

I see her and how she handles life, family, friends, service, business and me... And knows the she understands how to use her powers.

She believes in the movement.

She wants to participate in making the hood a better place in creating business and providing self for service.

She is a true family member and has the most amazing relationship with her Mother.

She draws from her inner strength and courage to adapt and be successful in her various endeavors in various locales... She is not local or distant. She succeeds all over the place and in various things.

Her faith is strong which gives her powers to do anything, and she has and will continue to grow and become a more powerful asset to family and community.

I would love to tell you all, but I'm sure you can figure it all out... We all have examples of wonderful principles that shine for us.

I just hope to continue to be illuminated.

Kuumba

Creativity makes use of our creative energies to build and maintain a strong and vibrant community.



I didn't get the days mixed up. I wondered with all that have stopped by if someone would notice. I'm finishing my posts on Saturday and then taking a break afterwards. Right now, Ujamaa is my life. I live, work, plan and study to properly make use of myself and become an asset rather than a liability. I felt no need to expound on Ujamaa at this point, it seems that the tie ins with the other principles are self explanatory. Sorry, but in order to keep structure in my life, one must shuffle other things. So I skipped a day to finish up on Saturday.

It seems with 2006 approaching, everyone has resolutions. I have plans and goals, they continue over time, so they're not resolutions. The one thing I will resolve is this: It will get accomplished. For those that know me or have been stopping by, you might know what it is. One thing, after mending fences and being with family and friends that I haven't seen and been with in a while, I still might go this path alone.

I think it might be time for me to look at other places to set up shop and call home instead of Chicago. I don't know yet. I had my heart on moving back to the Chi and setting up my non profit and sharing time with others, but I might best be served by being somewhere else.

In order to make use of your creative energies to be an asset, one must not be seen as a liability.

Nia

To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.



Nope.

I didn't forget to write, but you've heard so much from me so far. I noticed from my counters that I got a lot of hits and a lot of you have read my words, and I ain't mad that few have commented so far.

I was just wondering what you guys were doing in the spirit of Nia to restore said greatness.

I'll expound later.


By the way, that's my Mother and I hanging out and bonding yesterday. I can't do anything constructive for my people if I can't build with my family first. They are my everything. In order to become instrumental in this movement and become an advocate for change, one has to start somewhere and for me it will start with family.

Ujima

Collective Work and Responsibility


If the Negro area, however, is to continue as a district supported wholly from without, the inept dwellers therein will merit and will receive only the contempt of those who may occasionally catch glimpses of them in their plight.

If the Negro in the ghetto must eternally be fed by the hand that pushes him into the ghetto, he will never become strong enough to get out of the ghetto.

If the Negroes are to remain forever removed from the producing atmosphere, and the present discrimination continues, there will be nothing left for them to do.

Carter G. Woodson



I want to own a business. I want my business smack dab in the middle of my old stomping grounds. I want to operate and build in the hood. Period. I want to participate in building and maintaining our community together and making our brother's and sister's problems our problems so we can solve them together.


I have this dream that I'm working on. No, really I am... Got a business plan and everything. Check it: I envision me coming to work every morning, either lifting my security gates or extending my cloth awnings on my little storefront business. I imagine getting coffee and giving the head nod to dude on his way to the bus stop and exchanging hellos and pleasantries about family and friends with the shopkeepers next door. I imagine that there's a barbershop somewhere close, and that I can slide in early and get edged up, urging those cats to come thru and support mine as I have theirs. I'm also seeing in my mind my customers, mostly young folk coming through and exchanging info and enjoying being all up in mine. Music playing, sun shining in a neighborhood where the sun shines mostly on vacant lots and abandoned buildings. This day in my head is a new day. It's not just me, it's others fighting gentrification and reclaiming what was once seen as wasteland to provide the folks with goods and services necessary for both work and play. The hood is not a waste, some may want you to think that so regression can lower property values. I'll be frank, I hate urban drug culture like the next cat, but how can values in the hood be so low when we got the best mathematicians, scientists, athletes and marketing executives living there? Because I used to do a little dirt back in the day, I understand. Trust me, they do to.

You see our majority demographic, right? They come to us to get their "stuff", barter with our pimps, scout and recruit our athletes and follow our marketing schemes because our influence on capitalism in America is the standard. But our street pharmacists, hustlers, ballers, athletes and branding specialists need influence as well. We need their talent right where it all started for them. Right here in the hood. We need positive influence that will prevent the demeaning street hustle and get us on track in business and trade. To create and maintain businesses keeps us out of suburban malls and downtown shops. The dollar circulates and life becomes better. Property values become stable, businesses and entrepreneurs support programs and schools, jobs are created and life gets better for the community. We already know this but the problem is limited knowledge on how to keep business off the ground. I'm sure we've all had an aunt or family friend with that hair salon or restaurant, or know (or know about) that drug dealer trying to get out of the game by opening a clothing store or barber shop. Thing is, why can't these businesses stay open in 2005? No ujima.

My business model has me working with other shop owners and the community to make sure we don't shut down, but grow and expand to continue to give our people what they need and want. I want my business to be a part of a collective effort between business owners. Now I do understand that competition makes life easier for the consumer, so I plan on going 501c and making this particular business non profit so that the shorties can benefit and the area can get much needed support in another fashion. I do have other things I'm working on businesswise for my growth and development, but my community comes first right now. What can I do to be of service to my people and build business and community as well? Who's willing to help me? How much more successful can we be if we attack the various plights of our area together?

Not everyone will be down, but trust me I have already come into contact with many at the ready to be down with the movement. It's going to take some time, finance and additional planning, but there are a few of us willing to come together for the long haul. It takes a village to support a business. It takes that business to support said village. Those two things keep my dreams in technicolor. And attainable.

Kujichagulia

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
I Corinthians 13:12

I have always wanted to have my own. Before each member of the Wu were blessed with multiple nomenclatures, I had already given myself 4 names. I learned that back in Mother Africa, in most cultures your name defined who you are, so I studied. A lot. After checking out the origins of names and how they applied depending on each culture, I got offended by my classmates because it seems that they were so caught up in Euro-culture that the didn't even care about their given name or their slave name. They were just happy to be here.

I got the breakdown on how my name became at my birth. Moms named me after pops, Grandma wasn't having that shit, cuffed a brother and renamed me. I was that person until I was about 27. At that time, the void of not having purpose and proper knowledge had eaten away at my soul. I began to detach myself from Eurocentrisms and heard the drum. I needed to re-establish the connection with my elders, the kids on my block and my cousins reaching out from across the water. The beginning stages of becoming who I am now was new and addictive. I never had this feeling in school when I learned all of these unnecessary and expensive things that I don't even use today. I was getting filled with culture, spirit and fufillment, and the urge to learn and get involved hasn't waned since, it has gotten stronger. I became a different person. I was becoming a man of African descent and a sense of duty to my people became more focused.

I needed to let the world know what man I had become. I spent my twenties going to college, working in corporate America and gaining weight because I missed undisciplined eating while in the military. I gained an additional 250 pounds because of this, became arrogant and felt settled that the corporate world would take care of me until I retired. And then I woke up.

Kujichagulia - Self-Determination.


In a sudden flash that I can explain to you only if we sat down and spoke face to face, I heard that voice I mentioned yesterday for the first time:

"Turn around and go back, you don't belong here."

I already knew why that voice was speaking to me. I had no real sense of purpose. I had no discipline. I had no proper knowledge of self or love for those that sacrificed to get me where I was. I had limited self love and limited love for my then longtime girlfriend beacuse of this. I had no identity. I was not motivated to make change. I never gave thought of giving back.

The creator stripped me of all things. My job, my so-called friends, my woman and I almost lost my life slipping in and out of a diabetic coma. I had to find myself. I had all the reference I needed to make this happen, I just needed to act. I won't go into innate details on how I made wholesale changes. Let's just say I got rid of my dead weight, found focus and a sense of purpose immediately after letting my old self and ways die in order to be reborn into the man that I am today.

I am not defined by the things I have, but by faith, determination and duty. I chose a name that defines who and what I am, and what I strive to do. I took time and studied my culture, this is something I do every day. I turned around and took a look at my old stomping grounds and determined that I have to move back in order to help make change. Every day I dedicate my first two waking hours to prayer, meditation and refocus. After praising His name, I say mine a few times to remind myself of my sense of purpose. Every day, I work towards becoming a liaison to those that are looking for one through development of my business plan and the eventual rolling out of a non profit organization I hope to get off the ground in the near future. I know everyone can't or doesn't want to get that deep with it, but all that is needed to catch fire is a spark. To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves one must become the intercessor. There are many and I am just one.

Umoja

"The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed."
- Steven Biko


I might rethink how I celebrate and participate both Christmas and Kwanzaa next year. Just about everything I planned either went terribly wrong or just didn't happen. There were people I wanted to see and spend time with that I didn't end up seeing or spending time with. It's been a minute since I hung out on the south side, and I took a trip to the city for nothing. Funny thing is, my mind played me this message on the way to the city last night to spend time and see a movie:

Stop. Turn around and go home. You don't belong here.
"Huh?"
You heard me. You'll see.
"I don't understand"
Just wait. You'll see.

It seems that the holidays preoccupy some of us with things to do and places to go in completion of duties and responsibilities to said events and people. Sometimes those things get in the way of spending time with those that want to spend time. I think I impeded onto some of my people's time this weekend which pretty much curtailed other activities I had planned to a minumum. I'll be home for Christmas indeed. I turned my thang around and headed for the crib. Should I have listened to that voice? It's weird because I love the city so much, and I don't get a chance to get there and hang like I used to. I'm thinking that my timing was off or something. Folks aren't used to me actually participating in holiday festivities... Nah, I'm fooling myself. Some people just didn't want to either want me around or want to be around me. It's cool. I never want to be someplace where I'm not invited.

I ain't mad that I got stood up (Even though I did take the train and commuted all over the damn place trying to get to you. Let's not get it twisted, I'm still angry, but I will calm down. You'll get forgiven, but I won't forget. Trust.) Y'all still family... I'm still going to reach, even when my arm gets tired.

I actually think my foray into hoiday celebration took some people by surprise. In one instance, a serious attempt to get a simple Christmas gift online ended up so botched that I got charged twice for the same item (maybe I'll get 2), and being told that its on backorder until after the new year. Although I thought giving the gift would be a cool gesture in giving of myself, I got an odd you're pushing me away kinda vibe. It serves me right to try to do something I though was cool (obviously I thought so and no one else) and ended up getting 'that look' in the process. I've always gone above and beyond for my fam and the crew 'just because' and never questioned myself because I secretly hold out thinking that others would do similar things for their inner circle. I thought wrong. Sometimes I should let things be. Someone said that you get only one or two good friends in a lifetime, I'd like to prove that theory wrong by being that friend to many. Dammit, I really want to be. I'm a big man and I got a lot of love to give. Even though I got stood a couple of times today, I have not been moved. I still wanna kick it with y'all and make that plate. I ain't going anywhere.

I still have dreams of me in the future putting together toys and attempting to erect the impossible toy while the kids sleep on Christmas eve. I imagine my queen looking over my shoulder, wrench in hand explaining that part A should attatch to B with those funny looking screws, both of us laughing at the situation because we bought the contraption back in November and chose to put the toy together at the last minute. I also dream of queen and I going over what activities we have set for the kids in celebration of Kwanzaa whitch leads to:

I hope beyond anything else in my life that when I finally come to rest that I have mended all that has created distance between my family, some friends and myself. It hurt a little yesterday that I did not get the opportunity to spend time with my immediate relatives and close friends. I understand that I wasn't the only one running around in an attempt to see as many people I could in this limited time. I also understand that Christmas is the celebration of the birth or the Saivior, and that as long as we have time, we have opportunites other than this one day to come together and be family. I do a lot of things alone, but there is an urge that burns in my heart that tells me that I cannot do or be anything without reuniting with those are a part of me. Today I observe that I must make the necessary step to strive for and maintain unity in my family, community, nation and race. The only way this can be done is through action. I pledge on this day to do everything in my power under the eye of the Creator to become one with family, friends and on the block as well.

The results of some of my actions have caused me to change focus. I gotta complete some of my goals as opposed to planning more and creating obstacles. I also have to work on a better understanding of how to effectively communicate what I want and how to go about maintaining a united front with those I care about. This means I have to be less vocal and more in motion. I'm looking forward in seeking the guidance of an elder brother in the spirit to help me understand what it is to be a successful black man beyond 35. I've also retained a legal team that'll help me get my business off the ground next year. I plan on getting more in tuned with my health and fitness, so I'm looking for a personal trainer and a nutritionist with a sympathetic ear for vegeterians. I realize that some of the karma I've recieved is a direct result of my lack of understanding of myself. I wanna take things to the next level, but first I gotta do me. Relationshipwise, I don't know. I don't have any answers in this category. I'll continue to let the Creator will guide me in the right direction and the vibe will let me know what my next move will be. There is a Light that shines and damn near blinds me and like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to it. Unity is a difficult thing, but I'm willing to learn more and get closer to The Creator so I can get there.

Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens... Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese... And Santa putting gifts under Christmas trees

Things never actually go the way you plan. I wish... I had... More time.

Things didn't go as planned for me this Christmas... but I ain't mad.

I am thankful for what did go right, whatever that was. The Creator knows, we talked about it.

It didn't kill me, it just made me stronger because I'm still here celebrating in the spirit.

For that I rejoice, it is why we designate today as today.

For those 3 people that stop by and read me on the regular, Merry Christmas, enjoy this day and thanks for stopping by. I am humbled, flattered and honored that you point your browser in my direction.

For those that read me because we no longer speak or congregate for whatever reason... I wish you happy in the name of the Most High..

To my family. I pray that we'll come together soon in peace. I love you all, right now from a distance, but you know I'm here. We'll continue to dial numbers and leave all kinds of messages. It means we care about each other, right?

To those that feel pushed away by my actions and speech, continue to tune in and know me more before you decide to walk away.

For those that cooked today... remember that I'm vegeterian (and new at that!) and I'll be over to make a plate anyway. Keep that hog away from from my tupperware!

Thank you to Richard, Millie, CS, Victor, Tam, Jade, Joy, Nate, Wanda, Toya and Quincy for inviting me over, wishing me well, spending time and giving me family and food for a day, y'all know that I'm broke right now but whatever I have you always have. Anything other than $$$ for rent, utilities and groceries is yours. My time and effort is also here for you as usual. We'll never go hungry, homeless and without free nights and weekends as long as I have breath. Some of you I've only known for a short period of time, others I can't get rid of... It takes only a day to know someone, but a lifetime of action and duty to trust someone. I hope to continue to both gain and give it no matter what capacity. I have nothing without you, you are my family and I love you all.

Merry Christmas, dammit.

Where'd the week go?

I'm a little tired. Been having headaches as of late staying up all hours of the night stressing over the business plan. Can't sleep much and it's starting to take toll on me physically, but I'll survive. When I do snooze, it's right in the middle of my living room floor, with the draft.

It's her.

She motivates me to have more than the average cat. She inspires me to have a larger home so the babies can run and have space. And a garden. She makes me want the next vacation warmer and further than the last one. I want her passport to be full and very used. She makes me want Africa to be home and the States as a vacation spot. Her presence makes me want the children to never have to take out a student loan. I want to put in work so she won't have to. I am more aware of myself, my limitations and what I have to contribute to family both related and non.

Yeah, she's that powerful.

The week started out cool, looking at stuff I couldn't afford, checking cats on ebay that had lots of computer parts and thangs for the future office and getting support and virtual hugs from Nicole R. my lawyer. She never calls me back when I want her to, but she's sharp and always has a good word for me. We strategized my January court dates with creditors coming after me trying to claim shit I don't owe. Changing your name can have its pitfalls, so buyer beware.

But it's cool though. We gon' win.

Speaking of that, I never thought how quickly one could go from having a nice nest egg to damn near being broke. I put in a request last week to open the floodgates on my 401k and got hit hard. Uncle Sam will cop 30% if you don't roll it either into another 401k program or an IRA. Since losing my job I've been waiting and had to make a choice. I chose to pay personal bills, legal fees and incorporation fees (as well as other taxes) in order to stay alive. Although I knew what my bank statement would look like after that, I never accepted the fact that things indeed cost money and I would probably be near empty after taking care of thangs and still being unemployed. I'm so far from opening my doors and I thought the loot I saved would be enough to open and operate, I was so wrong. Minus taxes, personal utilities and the occasional 5 spot for toothpaste and toilet paper, I'm damn near back at square one savingswise. Even if I was getting a paycheck, I'd still be kinda broke. But it's all good though, I got all my big bills paid, so all I go to do now is relax, collect plates during my weekend Christmas runs and get an new years kiss and I'll be straight. And full too.

I can't wait for the weekend. I some serious plans to visit my ass off. I have no plans to be home kicking it with the cats and shit so I'm checking out the great ape movie, and not by myself. I also hope to sit and take in some good old fashioned family love, play some spades, bidwhidst and dominoes and make some new friends and contacts. Ain't been to a good family gathering for a minute. Just hoping I can eat the way I like.

I can really get into this Christmas thing... I just need to do one more thing before I break out my Santa outfit...