Last Post of 2007?

Seems fitting that since this is the last weekend I spend in Chicago I spend time this morning blogging about it.

In the last few months, I've been back and forth between my new home and what is to be my old one, not on the sly but at the time it is what one does when setting up shop in new digs. I think a lot of folk in the brown blogosphere thought maybe the wife and I were keeping secrets since the summer but no, we were just handling our business doing what we had to in getting things right to spend our lives together in harmony. We just didn't want to tell you. Shocked some, others had already figured things out. Good.

You don't have to know everything, do you?

Thought not.

Less talk and more action is something I've adopted recently. It really seems to work very well when trying to accomplish stuff, but I feel like talking today. You with me?

Good. Here goes...

My thanks goes out to all of those sending congratulations and well wishes our way. I really appreciate words from all of the online family both close and distant, and a mad shout goes out to all of those making the trip over here for the first time this week to check out the dude Diva digs... Since you all up in the medicine cabinet, I hope you wipe thoroughly, wash your hands and come back and exchange dialogue many more times in the future cause I'll still be here.

What, with change you thought I was leaving?

Speaking of change, in less than a week, the good folks over in Iowa will go to the polls and tell us what they think about the current crop of folk vying for that small opening in the oval office in DC. As thinking people with freedom of choice and the ability to vote we should be watching this one closely.

Not one candidate has publicly addressed the plight of a very important 12% American populous. I haven't heard anything involving interventions to stop police abuse, unfair sentencing by the criminal justice system, respect to communities that contribute to the economy but are hit with neglect in facilities and services vital to the survival of a constituent base, predatory lenders taking advantage of hard working Americans who can't afford the American dream and so on. But what specifically about:

There is the woman in West Virginia who was raped and tortured for days with barely any national coverage. They called her the N word but as of this writing, they still had not confirmed they are treating this as a hate crime.

We all know the young groom in NYC who was murdered by the NYPD on the eve of his wedding.

There is the teenage girl in Texas who was sentenced to jail time for an altercation with a school official.

The teenage girl who was sprayed with mace for missing curfew. You can see her in the video restrained by a police officer twice her size. She was in handcuffs when she was sprayed.

The California girl who had her arm broken by a school security official when she refused to pick up a piece of cake from the floor filmed by a school mate and is all over You Tube.

The young man in Georgia who was sentenced to 10 years in prison for having consensual sex with a young girl. He was 17, she was 15.

The young brother in Florida who died in the custody of the state when he was admitted to their boot camp. They said he died of sickle cell but couldn’t explain his battered body.


The assassination of Prime Minister Bhutto needs explanation and needs an American politician to make a statement of admonishment/support on the behalf of the millions of Pakistani residents of this country. What exactly are these candidates speaking about and who exactly do they represent? Why are you not paying better attention to this? Is the Chis Stokes/Raz B situation that damn important to you or are you just that easily distracted?

Homes are being lost by folks that are above the poverty level.
Fuel costs are soaring, and that includes natural gas.
There is a grain shortage looming in the next few years.
Takes haven't been adjusted to balance for the working poor.
Gentrification looms in Georgia, Illinois, Michigan, Louisiana, California and New York, places where there are high concentrations of... Brown folk.
Our foreign policy sucks...

Wait, it's New Years weekend. You don't wanna hear this shit! All you wanna do is:

get a little tail... and

drink with your dogs

(I just had to use a couple of Vegas shots from this past week!)

As a 'professional driver' I urge you to get a cab or utilize the nerdy, non-drinking cat with no date as a designated driver this weekend and Monday night. I'll be counting on you all to be aware and use good judgement in getting through to 2008.

We got some work to do. I think I said enough.

Hotep.

Honeymoon In Vegas

Well, I made it back.

Okay, I actually went to work today, albeit straight from the airport and it was a half day for me so it ain't like I'm just getting back. Plus by the time I post this, it'll be Thursday morning. I'm late... Sue me.

Las Vegas was the place for holiday this year, and although temperatures ranged from the mid fifties down to about thirty eight degrees, my other half and I had a ball. Getting out of the airport was a somewhat hard task, but seeing the strip from the plane Saturday as I landed put my soul at ease. My other half and I took separate flights and she had already gotten a b-line on our joint at the Luxor.

We decided on a spa suite that came with a hot tub I put to use for these aching bones every day we were there except for our last. I swear on all that is sacred we are putting a soft tub at the rest in 2008. With all the walking we did all up and through the strip and thangs, I really needed to chillax in the hot tub when we did.

There's also a great story behind the hot tub in our suite and how my other half received the ring I hinted at in an earlier post but I'll save that for another day, you actually might hear of it somewhere else in the blogosphere... Who knows?

Anyway. We had a ball in Vegas... We gambled somewhat and lost a bit, won a little. It really wasn't the focus of our stay. We ate well and discovered that Old Vegas whoops New Vegas' ass when it comes to food and circuses. It was my other half's first Vegas visit and I attempted to bestow her all things I knew of sin city, but so much has changed since my last visit. Of course construction changes a lot but all the basic stuff I knew came in somewhat handy.

Thank the lord for the monorail. We made the walk from Freemont Street to the Stratosphere Monday evening and I tell you... Somebody needs to hook that up a little faster. In the words of Rhonda Deane from the movie 'White Men Can't Jump': "There ain't no vista and there damn sure ain't no view..." when it comes to Las Vegas Boulevard from Freemont to Charleston streets.

Sheesh.

Fix that ish!


Anyways, fun was had, things were learned, souvenirs were bought and the monorail and a certain hot tub was abused in what I'll call our Vegas honeymoon. I call it that because Monday afternoon we got married. I get all puffy in the ocular region when thinking of it but I'll let her tell it. She does a better job than I when it comes to relaying that one.

Hold tight... You'll get all the info you need in due time, okay?

Wait til' I tell you how I got a hold of the ring... You'll laugh, you'll cry. Hell, you're probably reading that one paragraph up there over again just to make sure you read it right.

You did.

Status Check

Peace, y'all...

I'm working on the very important posts I spoke upon last week and plan on getting them up here in a hot second, but right now I'm out running errands in preperation for my vacation celebration demonstration. I'll holla in a minute, aiight?

Hope everyone is well.

Consistantly Inconsistantly Consistant

Okay, I've been a little absent... Sorry.

Well, maybe not. I'm not that busy but I have been planning my vacation and new year's plans with my other half and enjoying the fact that she's actually there. I mean, right here *points*. I know, I was supposed to explain all of that and I will... Next week. I promise.

I tell you, I've never been this befuddled in blessings in my life. Ever. Its a good thing though. I just needed time to sort out how something, someone, some situations so good happened to me of all people. Let some folks tell it, I am one cold hearted Martha Focker worthy of nothing but bad karma for the rest of my years.

That's another thing. I had to get over some deep seeded hatred that still kind of resides in my heart. Small traces though. One thing about finding love and re-establishing a relationship with my mother is that I had to get over an event or two that happened to me this year that had me hating someone. I never thought that I would ever be in such a predicament seeing as I've gone thru some shit in my short life.

We're taught as children to not even use the word hate, and some of us even grew up in christian households with extreme love and forgiveness being taught both in school and at home. I was one of those children, having that principle beaten over my head to the point where I thought it had settled in and thought that it regulated my behavior. I guess sometimes it takes a few things to make stuff like that dissipate.

Even when someone thinks they are doing you well they could actually be doing you harm. I know one thing, I had to let go of anger and resentment when it came to my mother as well. It took that release of anger and hatred to make me see that I was wasting time and energy when it came to folk who never mattered in my heart, so how did I feel hatred in the first place? I see my mother now and I see a different woman than the one I remember.

In the 15 or so months I went ignoring her calls and not speaking and seeing her I can see with fresh eyes that life is beginning to take its toll on her. Know that my mother is strong and will not let the simple shit in life whoop her ass. I'm just saying that she doesn't even look the same in my eyes and knowing how foolish I was to hold a grudge against her and be out of her life when she could have been easily taken away from me makes me feel that much more of a special feeling because I still have her and I need her now more than I ever have.

Sometimes, I can be stupid. I thank the universe for the opportunity to rekindle. If it wasn't for her, I would never know the love that I attempt to reciprocate from an amazing woman born on the same day she was. It is my mother who coached me up with a few pearls of wisdom that had me to understand and act upon something I had no clue on, and that is love from a good woman.

And then she tried to kidnap her away from me. In other words, for someone that has never gotten along with previous boyfriend's moms and such, My mother gave her a warm embrace of welcome into the family, investigated the beginnings of our relationship, told her every Hassan secret, gave her pearls on how to treat and keep her son and immediately asked for grandchildren.

My mother. What the hell was I thinking in the past few years?

When this year started, I was working a job I didn't want in a place I didn't want to travel to, reeling from injury that I thought at the time would affect my career as a big rig operator. From then to now things got progressively worse to the point of depressed anger, relocation and then homecoming with me getting back into a rig. It was when I came home that my crooked got straight and of course, with me taking the last two weeks of December off to go roast in the sun on a much needed vacation and then ringing in the new year with my other half, I will take next week to look over and reflect on the events that got me here.

There were a few things that had me jaded on love, life and the opportunity to make good in life which lead to me having feelings of hatred for someone I once held close to me as a friend. I knew that I had to let that go in order for me to to even have that simple conversation I had with my mom that first week of August. It took death, love, hatred and despair for me to get here right now. I can't write this shit, trust me but I'll try in the coming days.

And then... Vacation.

And rebirth.

And family, and then I can celebrate 2008 and do my dance.

Where's Waldo? - Here's Hassan

Where have I been you ask? No place, to be honest. I've been at work on the highways and by-ways hauling freight driving my truck and spending time with friends, family and my other half like any normal cat would, but that's the thing...

When you have family and make the shift to start your own, you realize that the time you once had for other things has been replaced with a new sense of purpose. Not that the old haunts aren't meant for you anymore, it's just that you shift focus on what's important. Right now that is the health and safety of my family, and I ain't talking about Moms and Pops (although that is just as important. Consider them consultants from this point forward).

Becoming a husband and a father requires trust and time spent learning how to intertwine the differences that separate people to make the family unit stronger. I am glad my brothers and sister as well as my mother are in my life to teach me the finer points of being a man of faith and family. I am the last in the family to make the effort to jump the broom and make some babies and I need all the help I can get because I owe it to my beloved and the universe to put forth the absolute best effort to lead, provide and grow my seeds in the proper, most respectful manner in the eyes of the creator. Without help, I will mess this up.

I'm also thankful for re-kindling my relationship with my mother... My relationship with my other half only exists because of this. I shouldn't have to explain this, huh? Some things cannot be created, maintained or can exist without mom, nuff said.

The politics that revolve around American holidays no longer exist for me. I know that I'll get this time of year off of work and so will those I hold dear to me, so I do my best to visit and catch up. Good thing, most of these folks I won't see for a long time so I hustled my ass off to be places where they would be given the time off we had, and boy I'm glad I did...



Hanging out with good friends in old haunts...

I spent a little time getting to know the niece I don't get a chance to see...



My other half and I also attended fellow blogger and artist extraordinaire Namelia Anderson's (pictured below) 1st gallery showing.
This piece is called 'A Piece Of Peace' (the artist, standing next to her work) and will bless our home


My sister surprised us with a holiday visit. It was cool to sit and break bread and see my niece and nephew after damn near a year.

What was funny was that my other half took my sister's place in the sister circle in helping prep Thanksgiving dinner. I was the only one that knew that my sister and her eating machine of a husband was coming in and had to prompt folks to purchase more food without letting the cat out of the bag because the table placing grew exponentially with her family's visit. My mom actually came and scooped my other half up from the spot early in the darkness last Thursday morning while I was sleep and they really put their foot into the meal. She also kidnapped her on other occasions, she fits so well into the family muddle... Now if moms can just give me back my woman (their birthday, as well as my niece's birthday are all on the same day talk about commonality... go figure) I enjoyed every moment I got a chance to spend with everyone near and dear to me. This was most special to me because now that I have my own family memories like that define our legacy with our own children.


After all was said and done the end result was this... Happy parental units. That's all that matters.

That and love from a good woman. More on that later.

Waiting Rooms, Sales Pitches and A Short Story In Between... All While Hanging Out With Mom

I'm hanging out with Moms today. She has an appointment with her primary care doc and I am her chauffeur this afternoon. Getting this chance to hang out with Moms is good stuff. She misses my sister and lil bruh just closed on his home. That dude is busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest but is happier than a sissy with a bag of... Okay too much. Got that from Bernie Mac. Sorry.

We dropped dad off at the job, got a nibble to eat and now It's just me, LilBlakMac (that's the laptop's nickname) and my wireless card hanging out in the waiting area, scoping the pretty faces, trading convo with the pharmaceutical sales rep and writing this thingee. In order to get back into the swing of things, my muse suggested that I just write stuff and I came up with this one right after the sales rep left after an futile attempt to recruit me to sell drugs. Legally that is... Man, I drive a truck. Enough about me, check this short, it's kinda cool cause' I'm making it up as I go along here in the waiting room. Tell me if I should make something out of this one:




He had never felt as lost as he was in this moment. Indeed, he was the new kid and he felt out of place as he stood on his stoop. The neighborhood kids played just a distance away and they kept an eye on each other, them wondering when he would come out to the sidewalk to address and he wondering if one or all of them would run over to the bottom step and invite him to partake in their fodder.

This was only different in the fact that he never thought that he would ever end up here. His parents worked to the point of him not seeing them during the week, also knowing that he was one of the few kids at school that actually lived in a house. Families in the big city were apartment dwellers. The only other family he knew that lived in a home as big as his was his cousin.

There were good memories had from the summer he spent at his aunt and uncle’s house. Times have changed and so has his family’s status after his father died in an accident at the auto plant a few months ago. He barely saw his mother anymore. When she wasn’t crying alone in her bedroom she was working one of her three jobs, studying for night school or sleeping. He was basically on his own these days and this was the first summer living in the brownstone apartment he now called home. No more summers with his cousin, no more as his dad called it ‘country adventures’.

He never thought his situation would change like this. Remembering going over to grandma’s house and driving through these neighborhoods. He was an outgoing kid, not afraid to address a stranger and not scared to explore new places, but this was too surreal to wrap his brain around:

Older boys hanging on the corner
Lawns with no grass growing in them
Stores with speakers on the outside of the front door, music blaring
Random kids running amok
Vacant lots and run down buildings blending in with neighbors next door watering non-existing plants
Fire hydrants open, kids and auto traffic merging with little to no effort
Women dressed like they’re going swimming with their church shoes on walking the dark places of the back streets
Weird-looking churches right on the same street as the liquor store
So many liquor stores… And the activity around them

He thought it was the story he saw on the TV each night on the news. He thought he would never be a part of it so he casually ignored it. Some of his father’s co-workers lived in these areas be he never knew which one. A few of the kids came to the repast and funeral with their parents and he remembered being in the room separated as the grown folks bantered about and recalls how loud these kids were. They seemed to be more open and loose with their expression that he remembered being taught so he remained quiet. And now he stood on the stoop of his new home carefully observing this same kids wondering if they would ever make contact.

They remained observers of each other until one kid walked over to the bottom step of the brownstone and addressed the neighborhood’s new edition:

“Hey, what’s up?”
“Hey.”
“I’m David, what’s your name, man?”
“I’m Kevin.”
“You got any brothers or sister man, or is it just you over here?”
“Nah, it’s just me.”
“That’s cool. I got a little brother. He messes up everything. You wanna go walking around?”
“Go walking where? I don’t know a whole lot about around here.”
“Don’t worry man, it’s the hood, ain’t much to know unless somebody starts fighting or the man comes through.”
“The man?”
“Yeah, you know. The cops, the fuzz, mister Charlie and em’.”
“The police?”
“Yea man. They always messing with folks around here. My dad calls em’ get stoppo.”
“You mean Gestapo – the German killer police?”
“Yeah, just like them dudes from history class. Sometimes they go around killing folks for no good reason, but that’s just the dudes that got dope though. Them Gestapo dudes popped my daddy’s brother three years ago. What you know about some German history anyway?”
“That’s all we ever learn about in history at my school anyway is about the war and how that holocaust changed how we do things. My pops used to tell me that there was some sort of a black holocaust but…”
“He ain’t around no more”
“Shoot, my daddy ain’t either. He split too?”
“Naw, was in an accident.”
“And y’all moved here? Dang man. But don’t worry though, ain’t too many kids here ever seen their daddy, the just be hanging out.”

They talked on the stoop for about an hour and then they started to walk around, David showing Kevin the neighborhood. As Kevin toured what was his new hangout and home, he wondered what would become of him amid the madness and noise, sirens and loud music. He studied this kid and wondered what made him of all people endear himself to a total stranger and wondered aloud sometimes why he was so open when all the other kids just looked and never spoke.

As they walked and explored, he imagined himself as just one of the boys hanging out on the corners looking as if her was protective of all the abandoned buildings and vacant lots. He knew that he would have to make everything he took in familiar, this was his new home and he had to know it like the back of his hand. The one thing he never knew is how much he’ll need the knowledge of the lay of that land… Kevin’s world would indeed change as much as he would become a product of this new environment.

Friday Musings

Purpose

Fidelity

Trust

Vision

Focus

Love

Respect

Hope

Family

Groove


I jotted down these words in an effort to see if I could come up with something out of them. I tell you that I haven't neglected this space, it's just that my hands are so full and I am giddy like a schoolgirl in the enjoyment of my abundance of people, things and places that make my life so complete in this moment.

Some times we are riddled with stress and strife, death, taxes and loss of freedom and in some fashion I have had my hands full dealing with these things in the past week and some change. I tell you right now that the sister that has my life placed at her feet and the family I've gained to include my family has me at a point where nothing can rattle me or take me off of my square.

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. Folks aren't as healthy as they should be, others don't quite know what their health status really is and time will tell. Someone's job is on the line. There has been death, taxes depression and family squabbles as well as incarceration that overtook the week before Thanksgiving in my family. I have all the confidence in the world that we will be breaking bread, chasing babies to make them eat and snapping on how big somebody's head is next Thursday evening all up and thru my momma's house.

I'm waiting to get full. Tick-like, fo sho.

I live, work and do all things to make the hopes of a healthy, successful family a reality. That's real. I can't recall no other time in my life where going to work felt so damn good. I know that all I do is to grow my family and it's also to have the things we want. We already have the thing we need in vast abundance.

I was talking to a friend out west and she was telling me how in an instant after she met this man that she knew this was her husband. We traded stories on how everything we did from brushing our teeth to arranging dinner was done for the sole purpose of satisfying our new partners which satiated something deep in our souls. Their overall happiness meant that we're happy as well. We also lamented over how things that happened brought us to this moment. I questioned mine because I felt that I never deserved anything like this, she told me not to question anything and just ride the wave. I questioned and doubted my position months ago because it was so surreal. I took my big homies advice then and have been on this incredible trip of realness based on love, trust and the hopes for the future. Riding the wave, indeed.

Well dammit, the water is indeed warm and I hope all of y'all get a chance to skinny dip just once. Damn, I really hope that. This kind of thang changes lives and gives many a sense of purpose so strong that nothing can break it or diminish its luster.




My PURPOSE in this existence is to celebrate
I revel in the reality that is you
Our toasts are to events that not yet have happened
but have more meaning that I could have ever over stood
because in our union we work to cultivate life.
I am a foreman of FIDELITY,
focused in my actions to construct our foundation
and build our forever only with you
The you that is inspires the blueprint
Our house is built on the TRUST shared between us,
all waters are calm and our minds are sure because
we cosign to each other's VISION.
Continue to back me the way you have and my
FOCUS grows stronger and my since of purpose will
never wane because our responsibilities will grow.
My LOVE can never fail,
From the first time our eyes met the sounds of my
father and grandfather's call for RESPECT echoed
through my head.
The HOPE of a healthy FAMILY lies within our hands and
the continuation of our actions. My confidence grows
by the moment, we got a GROOVE going on.
Let's keep that rhythm, it's easy to step to.


Let's hope I stay in that groove...

Wasting Time

Peace and blessings in the name of the Most High...

It has not been hectic for me, I haven't been that busy and I've had time and opportunity to blog, I just haven't. I'm having too much of a good time just doing regular stuff and enjoying being in the moment.

I was watching the high definition bootleg of American Gangster the other day and I realized that Bumpy Johnson died at the same age my grandfather did. He was only 62.

Now I say only 62 because I find that to be uncharacteristically young even for a black man. Now that I approach 40 it does not register in my mind that I could die at 62. That would mean that I have lived more of my life than I have left if the Creator has decided to call me home at that time. It led me to think about all that I have gone through and all that I have experienced and it also made me look at my life so far and all of the things I want to but have not yet accomplished.

Not that seeing that movie made me immediately think of making change... I reminded myself that out of all that I have done that I have basically wasted my time.

Now I've been a few places and met a few folk that would stay with me forever, but in the grand scheme of things, I've done nothing to accomplish my goals in life besides writing and making music half-assed, and losing my inspiration and motivation to create earlier this year had to be the most debilitating thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

For me to know in this moment that I have most likely lived more than half my life (understanding that I am overweight, have diabetes and don't eat right most of the time - makes me think of how much time I really have left) and it's high time that I do the things that I am supposed to do to complete myself. This is why I am currently chilling in the cut right now in the Pacific Northwest making moves and doing all things necessary in starting my family because I know that I'm supposed to be at this point in my life.

Not that everything in my life has been a waste of time but sometimes one is prep eared for the now by learning that he or she didn't have to go thru the BS of the past. More about all of that and how it applies to me later. Now, it's off to brunch somewhere near Napa Valley.

And some football.

Well Hello There...

You ever have a moment in life where things are so great that it keeps you from 'regular' stuff (like blogging)?

Well, I'm in that moment. I am in the process of detailing things, it's just taking more time than I thought.

Did you participate in the blackout last Friday? I did. Do you realize the power we have and can have by making this a regular occurance?

Are you coming with me to Washington DC on the 16th? Think about the timing of the march and the appointment of the new attorney general. What type of infuuence can we have on the sitting AG when it comes to justice for young black men, the hanging of nooses around America and interpretation of the law in our neighborhoods?

It might be time for the the so-called war on drugs comes to an end. Way too many non-weapon offenders are serving time when all they need is rehab and a P.O.

This AG will be already seated when whomever gets elected president...

We gotta have more cowbell...

Enough about our responsibilities and more about my pending mortgage and child care expenses in a moment.

Tomorrow...

I get back to being regular.

And to think, I didn't need a whole tub of Metamucil.

See you in a minute folks!

Check The Adlib...

Dear T.I.P.

The last time I checked you were bragging on making double digit millions to various magazines and big upping your new flick with Denzel. I'm sorry, I didn't see you in Jena or have I heard anything about your support on this issue or others.

Little girls have been wronged by school security

Young men have been wronged by the justice system

Women have been raped, beaten and/or murdered

The world's most famous house nigger released a book and invited a bunch of folks 'down with the movement' to a few mixers in support of said literary rag

Leading republican candidates running for the highest office in this country showed their asses at a christian fundamentalist luncheon/dinner but could not make it over to Morgan State a few weeks ago

A brother in your own ATL was murdered in cold blood by a cop. The department released at least 4 false statements stating that the brother snapped and got himself deadded... They forgot there was a dashboard cam

And you ask for support and justice? What about your fanbase?

Enough...


A few weeks ago, I had the most interesting conversation that I've ever had in my entire life. I was shocked and stunned by it and I was also prompted to search myself for the proper key to me being reborn.

I have to be.

Never in my life have I had this vote of confidence, and the lack of someone having that in me helped me in determining that I would never marry or have children, based off of the words that still ring in my head and the actions performed over the last couple of months has me preparing for two of the things I avoided like the plague in my adult life and what I now want now more than ever.

I found my wife

She will have my children

What I'll do from this point is chronicle the connection, the actions that lead to trust and actions performed that'll make us family.

See, there... That'll inspire me to write.

Huh?

I still don't feel like coming here... Give me a little time, will ya?

About my uncle... I decided to give that lil' tidbit of info, other things in this investigation I'd rather not talk about and there are certain things I cannot say. You never know who links you to folks and when they lurk and give info about you and yours. Trust me when I say stuff like that can lead to you falling off your horse. I'm still brushing myself off right from falling some time ago.

Nuff Said



Hey?

You ever wake up and realize exactly what you're supposed to do and where you're supposed to be?

I had that epiphany some time ago, I just had to get to the place to make it happen. I am happy in being in the exact place, moment and in the company of those that will observe with hope and will also participate in my overall happiness. It takes a spiritual overhaul to get to that place and be in that moment with those people. The process in not painless.

It took time for me to get here and I kept falling over and over. I am not surprised in the changes made for me to realize what I like to call 'my happy'. It's not weird like I thought it would be, ya know?

Writing for me has been a labor to say the least for me. I know that events circumstances in 2007 has led me to find out that I am not a writer, nor do I have the inspiration to continue writing. I lost the desire by influence and I wish I could explain further, I know that there are so many other important things than me working to meet a deadline... And for what?

I can safely say that 2007 up to late summer/this fall has been my worst time in my life. I ain't talking about losing family or not communicating with family or real friends. You look back at what your lowest points are and how you functioned and are amazed in how and what you did to fight back up to the surface. Pain, discomfort and deprivation leads you to either give up or live another day. Writing and the joys I once found in it are just one of the things I'm letting go because of what stymied and disillusioned me about writing.

There is no joy in it for me anymore. I actually hate it.

I'm also soured on making new music as well. I'm working on getting that mojo back. There are wonderful opportunities in my new place that will help me harvest material that has been trapped inside of me for quite some time. I embrace that because I could never give up the drum.

I know that some of you think of me as this focused, driven machine destined to be alone with countless pages of my writings, to the contrary, I knew what my purpose was but I had to get there spiritually in order for me to fulfill said destiny.

I want to be a father.
And a husband.
That's right I said it... I want to be a family man.
And I don't want to put my career or personal aspirations in front of that.

Career aspirations aside, I know that this is what I am supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be, so in totally throwing y'all a super slow curve ball I must say that I am working on being those two things before anything else right now at this moment. It ain't like I'm speed dating or having sex for conception right now, but you know what I mean.

After years and years of doing what I thought I wanted to do and in doing that knowing what I don't want, I am now in the place where I want to be the family man the Creator placed me here to be. Yeah, I probably will train some tiny Pan-African revolutionary activists hell bent on making the change I still want to make, but I ain't wasting time cooped up trying to write about the revolution.

Remember, it ain't supposed to be televised, right?

Unless you're watching a porno.

How Much Value...

Get this...

A fourteen year old boy was arrested and charged with murdering my uncle.

Ha stated that he was paid $400 to do so.

The Mini-Battle With My Inner-Nigger

It's been hard to come here to my own blog.

The past couple of weeks have been difficult to say the least:

A family member was murdered and buried in less than a week and we have no leads as to who took the life of our beloved.

I was involved in 2 separate 'trucking incidents' that resulted in lost time and mileage. I have to stand in front of an independent investigator this week to see if I pay for the combined $60,000 plus in damages. I claim innocence, nuff said.

I've been stolen from, harassed, betrayed, ridiculed and taken advantage of as well as being sold down the river by a handful of folks I called 'close'.

But know that the good still outweighs the bad immensely.

In times like this something happens to me. I try to maintain my sanity but my inner self doesn't want to hear that shit. My inner-nigger wants to take over and get busy rectifying things. Of course I can't let him because I'm too handsome to go to jail. And I got a round booty.

Not a good thing, trust me. I wouldn't know and I ain't trying to find out, trust me.


I went thru a thing the week I got into my little trucking mishap. I started hearing from folks I wouldn't dig out of a grave if I had the powers of regeneration as well as folks that were smiling in my face and selling me out in the same breath. Shit started getting thick. Vultures always swoop down when you start to wane from life's attempt to kick your ass and then...

Nigger - Let me get at em man

Me - I can't let you out, you do bad shit.

Nigger - I know! I swear, say the word son, I'll go to their house, ring the doorbell and get a nice firm grip on that neck kid!

Me - What about them breathing?

Nigger - They don't need to breathe... People like that aren't worthy of life, son!


I never got why cats get on rap records and used their talent to speak on killing folks they didn't know. I know that sex and violence rules the entertainment game but I didn't know that it's the niggers on this planet that regulated who lives or dies. My inner nigger really wanted to go out and rid the world of folks he felt weren't worthy of inhaling, and that ain't my bag baby.

In the past twenty years, the best way to end shit was to close the deal by applying the expiration date on folks and their operation. Ass whoopins and such became a thing of the past and pride in bruises went the way of the stagecoach. High school kids started bringing guns to schools and tiny little things in the hood went under the bed and got daddy's tech 9 and blasted the kid down the street because he or she was getting teased to the point of humiliation.

In the past couple of months I too was teased, ridiculed and humiliated by those that were close to me. Things were said behind my back that discounted my value and worth to those I endeared myself to. Things both tangible and intangible were stolen from me. I was emasculated and paraded about as the carnival freak and I had enough and attempted to walk away. In me walking away from those that took advantage of me there was frustration I guess and I was betrayed in a manner that I won't even share here in the place I usually tell all my business.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to lash out the way other kids in my environment do currently and in the past. I could not believe that I had an inner nigger. I never thought I would bring home the urge to want to take someone's life. I thought I left that in the military. My inner nigger damn near convinced me to take a hundred steps backward and risk my own life in retaliation over what? Other people's shortcomings and such?

What?

You know me.

Even if you just started coming here to read stuff. I am a proud, intelligent black man with so much to live for. What on earth could put such thoughts in my head?

I am a product of my environment.

When I came back to Chicago months ago, I put myself back in the hood. Now I have volunteered at food pantries, registered folks to vote and gave many a free show on the hip hop and poetry tip. I love my people and I can't stand seeing us live foul for no apparent reason, but I see that in my travels there is still an element in the Black and Latino community that wants to live foul. And its influence is strong as hell. Some of that lives inside of me.

A couple of days ago I was driving thru the hood from the gig, looking for a spot to get some grub. The company car has tinted windows, so I'm in the cut. It was then, me rolling thru the weed spots, hustleman's haven and the infamous 'Carter' (ala new Jack City) that I realized that even though gentrification was at an all time high in spots that used to be straight gully, the hood still exists. Hood mentality still exists. That shit is marketed on BET on the freaking regular, and I don't watch BET (I gave up on TV recently... I'll buy Heroes on DVD in March 08') and again I say, the hood influence to regulate via violence is very, very heavy.

I don't want to leave the hood, but when you have only yourself to fend for and nothing to lose, you do incredible shit. I am a product of the ghetto and I love being right in the middle of it. Something about the projects and the mini-barrio that calls me to stay and be with my own kind.

I want to do incredible things, but I want to do them and live in the reciprocation of the actions and emotions I have and act upon, meaning I need more to live for in order for me to live.

And then, all of a sudden she pops up out of nowhere and offers one reason.

And in a whirlwind of conversation, hanging out and riding an incredible vibration of emotion and realizing the power of intent and purpose I find out that i have much more to live for. More than I have ever given thought to. Simple actions, complex conversation and time spent gives me hope that I won't be overcome with the hood mentality to act without thinking, knee deep in emotion caused by foolishness.

My inner nigger was built on shame and illicit behavior. It has been fed all things illegal and immoral and told that if I was wronged or shamed that I should snuff out said shame by taking that person's life with no remorse.

But what if you create or have created life?

How quick would you be to end someone else's? With the exception of killing to defend you and yours, what kind of influence would you want to have for your own seed? What experiences would you want them to have in growing up in this cold cruel world? What in the hell were all of them student loans for in the first damn place?

What have I learned and what do I want to contribute to this big blue marble other than rhyme or two? How will my legacy be remembered?

I learned that folks that come in peace and leave you in pieces aren't worth you giving them thought further than the time you cried for help and a spiritual bandage while you were in pain. When that subsides... The best revenge is living well.

And creating life beyond your own... And cultivating that. I am a man of distinction, positive influence and of the spirit of the Most High. I need to get back to the essence in order to live as such. I am not the man my thoughts and unprocessed emotions want me to be.

I am who I am. Son of the Great I Am.

As far as my inner thug?

Fuck that nigger.

One Last Thing Before I Go...

I know it's been a while since I've put something of substance up here, and for that I apologize. I keep going thru these changes for the better...

I just got back from a place yesterday where I could be me. I found a place where I wasn't looked down upon, secretly despised or admonished for being myself and I do plan on moving there. Trucking industry be dammed, when you find a place where you know you're supposed to be you just go, and that I will.

I thought about where I am in life and what I've done to get here. I have no regrets in anything I've done in getting to where I am. It's sad because there a some that feel totally responsible for the direction of your soul and demand payment in you being miserable with them when that is not the case. Thing is, I had a full and complete life before them and will after them as well. One cannot claim to give a damn in one's face and condemn them with their other circle of friends because one never knows exactly who I know and in what capacity.

Funny how text message and voicemail intercepts as well as impromptu run-ins with degree separated friends thru friends happen that change the way you see certain people that know the friend of the friend...

Funny how you can exhaust the possibilities in the attempt to be brother to some and have them spit in your face and spite all efforts to keep them safe from harm when they go right back into the eye of the storm.

Funny how the ones that call you brother can also ride with you, robbing you of your spirit and giving the enemy a play by play of your most private thoughts, dreams and desires in an attempt to make you the fool. And for what? What have I ever done to any of these people but try to be a friend, brother or confidant?

Misery indeed loves company.

Even thought I try hard to remain positive and continue to be me, there are some will call you friend and even gain the closeness of a friendship and my trust who will hock the biggest loogie right in my eye in the midst of casual conversation.


Normally I would have some sort of 'fuck you' rant at the ready, but the best action in these cases with the 3 to 5 folks that had my trust is inaction.

I vowed a long time ago to not be violent or vindictive in my approach to folks that cross me because I was a violent teenager and then had a violent first real job in the Army. I know of my ability to destroy physically, and I've grown in my ability to launch a verbal assault in expression of what sits in my soul so harsh and evil that one would be ready to burn off their own skin due to my narratives about such an untrusted bag of flesh.

But I won't go there.

I found a place... Found a person... Found and re-found family... Rediscovered true friends that have made me fall in love with myself and fall in love with the possibilities of what life can truly bring when you can appreciate all things free of distress and be appreciated.

So I pack my bags and change direction to this new place.

And do nothing to recall those that never wanted to see me live in the midst of love.

I'll get back on my blogging horse now that I got that off. Peace y'all. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Small

Small ass plane...

Away...

I am in the middle of enjoying the best weekend I've had in over a decade and a half.

It was hell getting out out of Chicago...
I'tll be easier getting back...

I wish I could just stay here.




Wherever here is.

And this ain't even vacation y'all.

Not Yet Free

There was once a time most recently where I woke up and found myself full of holes. I saw maggots and worms crawling thru me and I smelled like death had ravaged me but I was still alive. I looked around and saw my skin all over the place. I also saw the gristle of my cartilage and ligaments and immediately knew that I was harvested to erect everything around me, but I had not drawn these blueprints...





I was in the terminal a couple of months ago when I got a phone call. It was a representative of the company I work for now. She was trying to sell me on the company but she already had my mouth agape at hello. I had left Houston with my last few dollars and had no immediate plans. I did contact a few people about getting back on the road but not them. It seems that scavengers exist in the recruiting industry. I should have known that seeing that I was once an executive search shark myself in a past life.





I woke up a few nights ago and I was sore. It seems that where there were once holes and ripped flesh was newer, regenerated parts that seemed to have grown out of nowhere. I smoked cigarettes back in my old army days and I remember the 3 month mark after I quit. It was the only physical fitness test I damn near maxed and it was due to me healing because I quit. I then remembered how lethargic I was when I was smoking. I had that same thought on how I was when I was totally outside my element. I was sick. I was depressed. I was limited in how and what I did because you take on the characteristics or better yet you are a product of your environment.





My mother told me how sick it made her during my time of exile. She revealed that she had died a little bit because her life is her children. We may have disagreed on many things, but she is one of my many anchors that I released and she damn near sunk due to non-contact. That will never happen again.





I took a deep breath a couple of days ago and realized that the air from being on the open road has evicted the phlegm and mucous that flooded my lungs when I was living down south. I also noticed that the pills I ran out of to control blood pressure were no longer needed. I also noticed that I was at least 30 pounds lighter and my complexion, well, I guess I look a little better minus that scar...



Why do some of you exist in adversity when you don't have to? Why must some of you have/want/need drama in order to be fruitful? What ever happened to love just being all you needed to get by? I observed the whole Jena 6 ordeal and to be honest, it took the movement to get viral 18 months after the fact in order to get justice? Blah... Some of you who supported and went down to Louisiana have no clue. What happens to the residents and brown folk after the crowds left after all the people leave? Did you ever wonder why things went down the way they did?



Think for a minute.



Sometimes it's all about opportunity over everything else.



Ever think that the DA and the judge just didn't want them little nigger boys to take over the mill so his son or daughter could? Ever think that with multiple felony counts those young men would have to continue struggling? To me, that's attempted murder on behalf of the powers that be. Now what will you do seeing as over sixty thousand people 'marched' (or just took opportunity) and the courtroom was still closed and that young brother is still in jail?



Wonder why the families that live in and around Jena never stepped forward?



I applaud the bloggers, texters, emailers and campus revolutionaries that did their thing to put forth the effort, but all that money, time and effort went on deaf ears. And CNN and Fox News still can't report that shit right...



Wonder why?



Some of us have not taken control of our souls.



I saw that parts of me were harvested to help others build their villages of misery and none of it ever benefited me. The day I'm not a negro, nigger or nigga from the mouths and minds of my own is the day we can really call for justice. The day my sisters stop calling themselves bitches or hoes while being offended when someone outside the sister circle calls em' that is when certain freedoms begin.

The day we see ourselves as family and quit the bickering and hating amongst ourselves is the day we can all get free.

All I did was take myself and remove the bullshit.

People

Products

Geographic Location

Thoughts

The day I totally wane myself off of other things external is the day I'll have no qualms about dying. It's the reason that I live. It took a lot of effort and convincing of self for me to force myself into living and loving myself first. If I ain't free, then everything else around shall burn and fall like a sinking, burning ship at sea.

I've replaced lots of hate with simple love.

And lots of water, cause it lubricates. Drink a little with me, it helps the flow. I ain't better than anyone believe you me, I just wanna be free. I do need some company in my endeavors though. I know a lot of us are trying... Hard, ain't it?

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way Here

Most of you know that I experienced what I consider to be the worst time of my life recently and decided to come 'home' and get back to the essence of what made me me in the first place.

Most of you know that I chose to get back into the trucking industry.

I indicated recently that I regained control of the name I chose for myself back in 2000 after dealing with the IRS and the Social Security Administration.

I've also let you guys know that I am at my happiest RIGHT NOW and I'm not letting anyone steal my joy.

It's been hard to blog seeing that there are some things I don't want people knowing about. Nothing big because I share A HELL OF A LOT when it comes to me, but some things just need to be behind closed doors.

There are some people, situations and places that suck the joy out of your ass. A few things have really made me not want to blog anymore, but I'm not letting that stop me.

I recently had an incident on the road that made me realize that some things are much too important and I have re-prioritized a few things since that time.

I'm cool, I just need to find what place the internet has in my life right now.

Gimme a minute and we'll see how things go with a little bit of sleep and a whole lot of peace.