Family Bonds (and not Barry either)

Yesterday we buried my aunt. We don't mourn death in my family, we celebrate life, so after the ceremony and burial we dashed over to her home, broke out the grub and a little adult beverage (for those that partake in such a thing) and the elders formed a sister circle in the backyard as they always do, overseeing and mediating. All we needed was Maya Angelou and it would have been a scene out of 'Poetic Justice'.



A lot of people outside of the family don't know that she was legal guardian for my older brother and I for a quick minute back in the day when moms was doing her college thing. Many summer days were spent horsing around in her yard and sleeping in that basement... The memories are still sharp and crisp, it's the people that keep changing around me. That I'll never get used to



It was good to see damn near my entire bloodline all in one place. Kind of scary, not because of death but to see that much family in one place... If anyone wanted to end the bloodline all they had to do was bomb my aunt Barbara's house. There is a certified, real-life celeb or two in this family, thank the lawd we ain't got no stalkers, haters or paparazzi... We still think of certain folks as 'Big-Head', 'Fluffy' and 'Blondie' round these parts.



There was once eleven sisters and brothers that made up the original Harris clan out of Mississippi, now there are three. That is devastating to think about. One thing that has shone thru is out of all of the cigarette smoking, Cutty Sark drinking, fine haberdashery ladened suits and hand sewn evening gowns, hair that was fried, died and laid to the side, and all those verses of 'Straighten Up And Fly Right' sung folk that made up the Harris, Bluester, Poindexter and Williams folk... There was a lot of baby making over the years, and we were (literally) in the house. In mass numbers.


89% of family showing up ain't bad.



All three of the remaining aunts were outside in their sister's backyard. The music was bumping, the kids were playing, and us middle to old age folk were talking, catching up and exchanging numbers, taking photos and such (I got you on the pix later this week, y'all) and then my great aunt Ophelia spoke.



She got in our asses a little about the older folk having kids that don't even know each other. She put it on us to carry on family tradition and even went as far as to assign new officers in the family council. See, my aunts and uncles, grandmother, cousins and such had assignments. There was/is a family treasurer and an organizer. There is/was a medical officer (I swear there is the same setup in the Nation Of Islam!) and such. Anywho, she demanded in the sweetest way to do all of the things they did back in the day that made our family great and very large. This also kept us dependent on each other in the best way. She also requested that family that lived out of town get back to a central point on a more than regular basis and to do so not just when someone graduates or gets married. The kids these days shoot up too much in a short period of time and some of us haven't met each other so how can we recognize them?



My great aunt Ann also requested that we all exchange telephone numbers, home addresses and email info and cousin Eunice also requested a text message class for the old schoolers that have no clue on the IM/texting thing. Cousin Billy explained that it's hard to keep up with sprouting kids and photos and emails will be sent to chronicle the growth of family abroad. Cousin Johnathan suggested that every family member introduce or reintroduce themselves and the family and so upon close from the elders, we did. Most of us either grew up, hung out or spent many a holiday with each other but there was that 15% we've either never seen or never been introduced to so we spent the next 3 to 4 hours telling out immediate family stories, introducing or reintroducing ourselves and taking a gang of family photos in an effort to get our exchange on.



My cousins Ebony and Delecta have been secretly planning the next family reunion and everyone at my aunt Barbara's house yesterday has pledged on to contribute and be present and accounted for. In my immediate family's introduction, I was proud to represent my sisters Robbie and Heather and my older brother Herch (Robbie passed away-she would have been 40 a couple of days back and sis and big bruh could not make it). I also presented my younger brother Alonzo and his wife to the family and he told his family story (his twins are very popular amongst the emailing family members).



I was amazed and astounded with the love that we shared yesterday. I also got a chance to reacquaint myself with a few cousins I haven seen since high school and I got a chance to meet a few cousins twice removed that I never knew. I also took that moment to bury any anger and resentment I had about the situation(s) had with my mother over the past couple of years and in mere moments we were fine and back to normal shortly after the elders spoke.



We were also advised to inform the elder council when times got rough for us individually. Some folks have a little too much pride and cannot be helped if they never come to family which creates a bigger problem, so there was also private council for some and prayer for others. Family must help family and that new council established yesterday will carry on our strong family heritage of doing for each other in any way possible. I just wish this could have been done years ago because there has need a lot of separation in my generation based on lies, gossip and innuendo. Some of us thought that it was a little too personal back a few years ago and tried to break free only to disrupt the family bond. I'm sure folks long passed would have been pleased with what has happened and I'm glad I got my mommy back as well.


That's right, I said it. That's what we call her. So what I'm damn near 40.



Feels good to have family. We don't just pass by on the holidays, we build each other up round the clock all over the calender. We're all we got, might as well make it strong for the times we get weak. It was good to reaffirm family yesterday. I hope you have a strong unit 100's strong as well.



I'm back on the road y'all...



Be easy.

I'm Here! Now What Do I do?

I knew I was supposed to be here in some capacity.

I thought my father needed me, he may not to the extent I would like to think so but others will somehow.

Today I lost my aunt.

I used to spend many o' summer at her home in Indiana. She lost her husband, my uncle Henry a few years back and she hasn't been the same since. Sometime earlier this year her health deteriorated and she just couldn't hold on. She died in her home quietly around her children and a few of the church family.

I am pleased that she went out like that. I hope to die like that when it's my time.

I am in Chicago as a guest of the new company I work for, staying at a hotel near the second, smaller airport. I made way after processing benefit paperwork and such to hook up with my brother and made my way out to the house.

My mother was there.

We talked. It wasn't normal but we shared a conversation and functioned like human beings. If you don't know, I haven't spoken to my mother since this time last year.

And you wonder why The Creator puts you in certain places, huh?

Some folks think too much about where they're supposed to be or if someone or somethings by someone should be done or not done but I say just go where you think you're called and maybe just maybe... You're probably supposed to be there.

Even if you don't know the reason.

If you haven't been home in a while, go home. If you haven't seen someone in a hot minute, go and see them. If you feel that you're not supposed to be someplace, get the hell out of there. Just go where your heart calls you. It may hurt someone or jeopardize some things you think are supposed to be for you.

my heart told me to be where I am right now. All I could do is take the little pennies I had and get my ass back to Chicago. I knew someone needed to at least see me, and it was my mother of all people. I love her but honestly can't stand to be where she is most of the time because she does not address me as an adult. Some things you just have to tuck away or put to the side and just extend yourself in some capacity. I knew all of my family needed me, including my mother.

It's going to be one hell of a weekend, but that's what I came here for. I called it last week, I tell ya...

I gotta spend time with my loved ones and catch up with them distant cousins. And re-establish that missing connection with my mother.

And get my dad a suckling pig... And some wood chips.

Seldom Traveled... Rarely Experienced

Freedom is a road seldom traveled by the multitude.


I remember that from P.E.'s classic joint "Show Em What You Got". Of course I don't feel free but I remember feeling what free was a little while ago when I was able to come and go as I please into cities unknown and performed in front of people that did not know me so I had no inside edge.

I miss being free.

I remember getting off of airplanes and walking with my head up high the the airport, people thinking I was someone, but not knowing if I was really someone. That confident strut of a level two tech support agent, or postal equipment operator of entry level college recruiter I really was manifesting itself into something unspoken but important. To someone else. It was just the strut I tell you.

But I strutted because I was free.

I now stand at the cusp of old freedoms reborn. I sit at an overused desk in a hotel room about to embark on yet another career opportunity, and it has nothing to do with rocking the microphone or speaking over a dope hand-slapped drum beat. But it does have something to do with seeing and doing new things in different places almost daily.

Hey you... Find out what your freedoms are and bring that beat back...

Remember that "BRING THAT BEAT BACK, MAN... BRING THAT BEAT BACK!!!" ?

Flav told me to show em... So I guess I gotta.

Time to get free again.

Post 351 - A Holding Pattern?

This is the last time I'll post while here in Houston. By the time the weekend gets here I'll be in Chicago. I was supposed to take a position with a Dallas based company but things didn't feel right and after a few phone calls and a talk with a safety manager, things were indeed wrong.

So I'm head back to the Chi.

I really didn't like Houston.

I'm not complaining, and there are so many wonderful things about Houston like my roommates and friends made here. They made me feel comfortable and accommodated me to the point where my gratitude doesn't measure as to who they are and what they did.

For letting me be me all up in yours... I thank you.

I did base my decision to come to Houston using logic and not emotion and that might have rubbed some the wrong way so me leaving serves multiple purposes and everybody ends up happy in the long run.

Being here didn't do it for me, plain and simple. I'm not blaming locale or people for me not feeling life on the outskirts of the bayou, but... I'm a city guy. I'm a sports fan. I'm a bar hopper. I'm a 24 hour diner... Diner. Not that I miss Chicago that much but I miss the big city. Atlanta, DC, NYC or even LA for that matter would probably do it for this 3am pancake eating, sportscenter watching wi-fi jacking insomniac but I'd prefer to go to where my father is and at least open a door to my mother and do all of those things that make me happy.

Like create stuff.

And sit in Al's basement recording the never ending rap album.

And politic with Ryan O about the spirituality of Hip Hop.

And convince my dad to NOT dig a hole in the back yard and roast a suckling pig.

And ride the train. Anywhere.

And hit the lakefront in the evening and just chill.

There's other stuff, but I think after a couple of weeks of doing Chicago stuff I'll be ready to hit the road and use the highways and byways to inspire me to continue to create.

You see, even though I have a love/hate relationship with Chicago there is something there that still sparks my passion. I have connected with my dad and I feel the need to be closer physically to him because I want to show him my finished literary work because he told me a long time ago to write because it helps express what can't be spoken. I want to prove to him that I have the talent he bragged about over many o' beer with his brothers and compadres.

This place is currently the center of the Hip Hop universe, even though most artist out of the Chi are cutthroat and are the snippiest crabs in a barrel. Kanye, Common, Lupe, Brat, Do Or Die, Rhymefest and others all had to go away from the Chi in order to make it, but the hungry emcee, DJ, graf cat and breaker still use the streets to hone their skills.

I'm going back home y'all... I gotta make it happen.

More to come in a moment... After I get settled.

And it don't stop

Post 350 - Holding Pattern

After I promised a good friend that I'd post a couple of written pieces and a spoken word joint I found that time was working against me and I didn't post them. In an effort to actually have something to blog about, I will attempt to do just that in the upcoming days.

I hope.

I'm a couple of days away from getting my travel on so posting is not really on the radar. To be honest, I've given thought (once again) of shutting down operations for a while, possibly altogether.

I've learned from the people closest to me that the things that either come from my mind or my mouth have only been taken at face value. Upon further review it seems that no one can really remember what I said for the most part, meaning I've been wasting air speaking on things. So imagine what the rest of the world is doing when I speak?

You guessed it, absolutely nothing. Not that I expected anyone outside of my five was paying attention anyway. So what am I doing this for?

(crickets)

Exactly.

We all know that the world moves on without our ass. That our opinions and views are not really taken as serious as they appear in our minds. There will always be violence, racism and us killing folks that look like us, so what am I doing to combat that those processes in the grand scheme of things? Nothing really. I'm just like everybody else. I talk about how certain shit grinds my gears and it goes out into the universe relatively unheard.

But it has to pass the folks we 'know' first... Right? Do any of your people sang a little of your shit and hold onto it for review... Nah, because everybody usually has their own shit to deal with and that's important to them just as your shit is important to you. And that means you blow a lot of hot air (or burn your fingers typing unnecessary shit) and you don't really have to.

Now I don't have a problem with that and I certainly don't have a problem with those that stop by and chop game with my ass and info share, exchange ideas and big up the movement, what I tire of is how folks can stand right in front of you, or listen to you, or see or read you, nod their heads in agreement and then let that shit roll out of their other ear like nothing, knowing there will be a pop quiz shortly just to see if you really were paying attention.

So I've decided to enter a holding pattern of sorts to see if blogging is something I want to continue to do. If I have the time, I'll put up my works so you can check them out but I must say that seeing as I need to get back on the road and do my thing, my focus has to shift to that as well. That is where my head is at right now.

I am not the town crier, I am not a talking head. I'm not really a "blogger" in the sense of how bloggers relate their spin on politics and such to the masses, I am an artist who enjoys being in the midst of creation. I haven't been in that realm for the past couple of months, it's time to place myself back in that neighborhood and finish what I started. Than means getting home and putting my focus on what matters, that art y'all are voting for over there.

Happy born day Nikki... I wish you heaven.

Peace Y'all

Where Did Our Balls Go?

There. I put it here.

I wasn't going to comment much on this, in my mind I saw Serena doing what a lot of women in sports and entertainment do and while I do have an opinion on that I figured it's what 'they' do for whatever reason. Empowerment, influence, resume purposes, proof of sexiness/marketability, whatever. She's grown and she can do whatever she chooses, right?

I guess not.

It seems that African-American women cannot do what they please without asking certain caucasian folk for the proper permissions. People that look like me haven't carried freedom papers for a couple hundred years.

I thought I should mention that.

So I roam across the internet and see shit like "Serena Goes Ape" and "She's A Man, Baby" as article headlines. I guess the racist and insulting headers are supposed to be a message to the rest of folks that look like us. Now hey, I ain't one to get all up in yours about your opinion, but how many times must I keep reading about how fat or too muscular Serena is. She is an athlete and a pretty good one at that. She had conditioning issues like many athlete regardless of color but it seems that a lot of folk in white America and beyond resent folks like her, sister Venus and cats like Barry Bonds. It ain't the body type or the willingness to speak to the press, it's the fact that someone outside of your comfort level as far as race is concerned is dominating and it burns your ass.

When certain folks get the chance you know we'll hear about it... Right?

I know my sports history like many other sports buffs and I respect all of those that have come from wherever to set the bar and create standards that take decades sometimes to touch, but even I know that all records are meant to be broken. One day someone will come along with a skill level that will surpass all others. Same goes for science, entertainment and humanities or whatever. I believe the Creator doesn't discriminate about giving certain skills to random folks.

I recognize that and was taught to respect that and those that set the standards and those that come along and raise the bar. That obviously isn't taught on the other side of the tracks. I am also offended to the highest degree that I must overlook race and background when I recognize things like that. The double standard has never been tolerable over here in these parts.

Barry Bonds was hitting homers waaay before his hat size grew exponentially. More than 400 before he 'grew' at that. Never in my life have I heard the term 'cheater' used like this. There have been reports based on science that clearly state that performance enhancing drugs have no real bearing on the hand/eye skills necessary to hit a pitch from 60 feet coming damn near 100 miles per hour with a thin stick. What steroids does is cause regeneration, which could explain how Barry is 43 and still at the top of his game, but up until 2004 steroids were perfectly legal in major league baseball, and since his indictment in 2003, Bonds has tested clean in random surprise testing. I never saw anyone, including the commissioner of baseball (who points at Bonds as the reason people hate baseball) mentioning anything about steroids when all them homers were being hit a few years ago. Bonds has been tested vigorously since the federal indictment and dude is still the same size and has the same skill. I'm not saying he never took em', but...

Find another reason to hate this dude. You can't punish someone for something they did back in the day, especially when it was both allowed and ignored.

Whether you like Serena's style or look is up to you. From the look of that picture up there I do not see a fat, out of shape woman. I also see a champion. Some may like a woman with more musculature... It's up to you family. The thing I'm seeing is that racism is becoming much more blatant today than in latter years. Hateration based on race is more elevated than ever in 2007, and as a black man am I supposed to just look the other way when very commercialized companies, media outlets and their related com padres use derogatory and defaming narratives to describe a few of my people and still give my dollar? My time? My accolades?

Hell to the mutherfucking naw.

I'm more offended about how America is taking the Micheal Vick case in more than ever. When he was running around trying to avoid 300 pound lineman he was described as "the greatest show on turf". Now that he has been accused of harboring criminals by owning property, providing finances to said criminals and possibly attending dogfights and assisting in the termination of fighting canines it seems that certain folks are 'despised'. I got a chance to flip channels and see Nancy Grace, Anderson Cooper and folks of the like and the callers from the heartland of America really told us what they thought.

But Lindsey Lohan get a pass because of tremendous pressure. Oh, and that Baldwin cat still gets work after 9 rehab stints... Riiiight. Back in 1994 a drunk driver killed my friend but it's cool for starlets to drive under the influence... She was the shit in The Parent Trap!

Shiiiiiit.

The term 'monkey' to name one as wall as 'ape' and other wonder narratives were used in columns, blogs, responses and phone calls to TV shows to describe ol' Ron Mexico. What ever happened to innocent til proven guilty? Now even I know that a federal indictment is a hard one to shake (especially with a 95% conviction rate), but how does Michael Vick become public enemy number one banned from work when he's only been accused?

How much longer must I flip past the CNNs of the world and see the featured missing white woman of the week and hear absolutely nothing about my sisters? Has our value diminished that much to society in 2007 that we don't get equal play?

Why is it when a brown skinned person hits the headlines that person becomes a pariah? Will we ever hear anything about Tim Donaghy and how much of a cheating, lying bastard he is? Why is he getting a pass in the press? He did ref that pivotal game 3 in the West playoffs this year...

Did Scooter Libby just walk free?

Why are we just letting this double standard go on?
What ever happened to our standards?
Where are the balls in the African America community?

My people have been neutered and then pacified with cheap jewelry, alcohol and fake soothsayers that stole our drum. As much as I hate that we are still targeted I am still amazed that we are so silent and just go with the status quo.

I'm starting to believe what some of them say about us, being lazy and all. Sad thing is not many will agree in public with these words. I'm 3 weeks from calling the movement dead.


Prove me wrong.

Preventive Medicine

I'm well, getting rest and packing and readying myself for the road which comes in a few short weeks. I'm looking forward to getting back out. Nothing else is happening with the exception of me possibly hooking up on a few short term assignments to gain a little loot before I hit the roadways. I haven't come close to piecing together a thousand words like I did last week. Oh well. I have gotten a chance to sit in the quiet with the TV off and unplugged from the internet and that's always been a good thing but after watching TV last night, I realized one certain thing about myself:

I am in my late thirties and am diabetic, and this has become both a personal and political issue.

For everyone.

Now I do not 'suffer' from this disease because I do everything in my power to function well, nuff said. I took the time last night to watch the YouTube/CNN you askem' Democratic debates and I tell you, I was overwhelmed after watching and taking notes during the replay later that night.

33 percent of all Medicaid, medicare and disability claims in the last decade and a half were diabetes related. After further research I found that the number is higher, Anderson Cooper, a few of the candidates and a whole lot of the civilian question askers confirmed that 33% statistic and that scared the shit out of me.

There were more questions asked of these candidates about health care than war, partisan politics or the economy. I've always wanted to say this since I arrived here, "Houston, we've got a problem." One of the reasons that I wanted to bail from Big Oil was the fact that they did not offer health benefits as a part of my package, and with the great state of Texas as a right to work state, and no one has to offer healthcare and that scares me because purchasing the proper coverages has been some of the most difficult murk I've waded through since being down here. I really didn't have that problem in Utah or Illinois, but it ain't where you're from...

It seems that less than 20 percent of us here working legally in the US have the proper health care benefits we need for ourselves and our families and I ain't talking bout' my ass going to the VA (and I do) or the free clinic (is there still a free clinic?). KRS One said something pretty profound a decade or so ago:

"See we don't need nothing else... But health, wealth and knowledge of self!"

As a man of Afrikan descent, most of my people are lacking on all three. As an American, the health and wealth part is really lacking something serious. I need to ask you, how are you planning to retire and how will you get coverages in the coming years, especially when you know you need it? The pharmaceutical companies are banking doo doo dollars, the health care systems have more than enough loot in the booty to function for the next 300 years and hospital systems have mostly went private and can exclude sick folk (nee: BROKE) at will.

My question to you on this Tuesday is not what should Hillary, Edwards, Barack or Biden should do, it is simply this:

What are you doing NOW to have the coverages you need?
What contingency plan do you have for the shortage of social security benefits?
What plans do you have RIGHT NOW to take care of you if Alzheimer's or a debilitating stroke sets in?
What equity, investments and property are you banking on to pay the bills (if and) when you stop working?
Have you even given thought to that moment in time when you need the fruits of your labor?


And I'm talking right now. I have my plans... I am looking right now to invest in a few foreclosed properties (taxes) in Chicago to sublet out to build my net worth and have equity for my hair brained schemes. The change of employer is for me to afford better health care and purchase real property so I can fall back on this twenty/thirty years from now. I also am taking herbs and gravitating more towards a vegan lifestyle in order to live and function longer and stronger in my later years. I still go to the VA for preventive maintenance health wise. I have to, it's me dammit and I like my ass (and the rest of me too). From tax lien certificates, to herbalism, I have a plan to be well in more ways than one whenever my golden years reaches me, lord willing.

What in the hell do you plan to do?

Post 346: Progress

So yesterday started out good, it got even better by the time I hit the hay:

I accomplished 1000 words by 3pm.

I always wanted to do that but didn't have the nuts to stay in one place long enough. It's not that I don't have the discipline... I just thought that I was talented enough to get it done one day. I need at least 20 more days like yesterday in my arsenal to become a respected published author. Here's to more days where I grow enough balls to not eat, drink or surf/watch TV enough to care about my future and stroke some keys.

I held my job with SOPUS in high regard.

I got a call late evening that the initial offer I suggested Monday afternoon was not only rejected but my contract as a whole was scrapped. I am no longer an employee of Big Oil. Seems that the direction I wanted to travel in didn't go over well with upper management. I did let them know that I was to bail if my proposal didn't work out, so...

I get an opportunity to leave Texas earlier than expected and with my dignity. There is a way to tear up an unwanted contract, thank the lord!

This leaves me free to become a contractor again, but not broke. I got a few things to do today that'll keep a few bux in my pocket. It's a matter of timing and availability. I now have both in abundance. Plus, my trainer wanted me for 4 days the next few weeks and I didn't have that.

I did make a couple of calls to Chicago to let a couple of prospect/candidates know my services were available.

I got/left email with them cats in the Chi and looks like I'll have a handful of copies of their new album to place in a few mom and pop establishments here in Houston.

Funny how a few days changes one's perspective and outlook on things. I feared that I would be here in Texas beyond August, and that though scared me.

Looks like I'll do the blog thing Tuesdays and Thursdays from this point on.

Doors To Enter, Gates To Open

Most of you 'know' me:

My name is Hassan.

I am in my mid to late thirties.

I currently reside in Houston, Texas.

I work for SOPUS here in Houston.

Don't know? Look it up.

Mine is an important job.

I have a meeting today with my boss Michelle and a phone call with a man named Mike that will determine the rest of my life.

Seriously.

I am a writer.

I will also mention separately that I am a poet.

I thought I finished my opus "100 Shades Of Indigo" until it was edited and returned to me.

It threw me until recently.

I'm halfway done (again) with that project. I have done little since arriving in Texas to finish it.

I am working on finishing laying vocals and edits on a Hip Hop CD.

I only get sporadic chances to work on my music, my work schedule keeps me away.

I am also working with some cats in Chicago in efforts to distribute their album.

I blog 3 to 5 times a week.

I currently have 3 employers (contracts with two, agreed in principal with one Friday), but only work for one... For now.

I feel misplaced in Texas.

I read a lot of blogs and believe in the contact and community serious blogging brings.

Now comes the swerve...

I will no longer read all the blogs I read now. I will take more time to do what I consider more important things.

"100 Shades" will be finished in a newly agreed time line (says Morris Publishing).

After today, I will only have one employer.

Vocals and edits have now taken priority now that I am in a Pro Tools environment.

By close of business today I will have a Texas exit strategy (beat ya' G Dub!!!)

I will no longer blog 3 to 5 times a week.

I'm glad you come here to visit, but I understand now more than ever that my words (unless their being published and sold) have no merit, so I am submerging myself in activity... Actions to complete what needs to be completed, be where I'm most needed in business and where I want to be in comfort, and also serve a better purpose to myself and others in an effort to be more complete in my life.

I'm making myself whole y'all.

Don't wish me luck or give me accolades. Hell, don't even pray for me. Do nothing but watch me do my thing and nod your head like you know when you do read something here because you do and it makes sense. I'm the same cat, you're just going to see more 'ass and elbow' like mom used to say from a whole lotta' work.

I hope you do the same. It's almost closing time, what are you accomplishing?

Post # 344: Do You Know The Way Home?

So I've been back in Texas since Monday.

I didn't have to go in but I went straight to work from the airport, bags and all that day. My boss had already prepared for my absence by having two floaters on the ready and let me know when I was hanging out in Cincinnati waiting to get on the smallest jet ever.

So I work a partial day Monday and had Tuesday and Wednesday off, making yesterday my 'Monday'. I would have rather worked thru but I do not control my schedule. I'm glad I had those days off because all I could do is sleep off last weeks activities. All I really did was spend time with my brother for most of the week, spend an equal amount of time with my play sister and her son and my real sister and her family who was packing the house and was actually offered a ride back to Texas.

In between that I drove some friends to Wisconsin and went on a shopping excursion there, convinced a few folks to go to the Taste Of Chicago and the African-Caribbean Festival Of Life (both big events to me, went to the Fest twice) and got a chance to hang out (for like 3 days - we hit the lake front, hung out in a dark ass beer garden at odd hours of the night/morning and chilled over chili at his spot) with a close friend I haven't had a chance to hang out with in damn near 2 years. I got a chance to meet his other half and also introduced him to my home girl Millz who is an artist like he is. Here's to hoping that they mash up and do something that hangs in a gallery someday.

I hung out with my Pops Saturday and walked my ass of thru my old neighborhood (even went condo shopping and did a couple of interviews) and spent my Sunday night in my old park until the cops came and asked us to leave. I saw Transformers 3 times and probably slept that whole week between the hours of 4 to 7 am, so When I got back to Houston all I could do Tuesday and Wednesday was crash and regroup. And think about my place in the grand scheme of things.

You all know what towing the line or maintaining the status quo is, right?

Well, when I got back and got into the swing of things here in Texas the line hit me in the head and I think someone pinned the stat quo sign on me like back in the seventh grade. I realize that I'm being tolerated here and if I weren't already embedded in different ways, shapes and forms in Houston, it would have been expected for me to stay in Chicago. When I got back to work, folks were all smiles and conversational just like my boss said they'd be because she spoke with the fools that have beef with me during my absence.

All other aspects of being here is definitely folks and myself maintaining the status quo. And I know that ain't a good thing because it's hurting people. I am waiting for that moment where shit just builds up and the explosion of exclusion happens, so I prep for it by quietly throwing away unnecessary things and streamlining my belongings to make my transition easier. Because I spent a grip on plane tix, rental cars and such, I need to maintain this line for just a little while. Based on looks, non-looks and body language, I don't have much time.

I know that I need to move on in order for other folks to get on with their lives, and me coming back really feels like I took a step back in a sense. My original plan was to get to Chicago and stay there, but the job prospect wanted me to clear a few red tape hurdles effectively killing that plan. My plan on getting 'home' is not dead though. I think I can right all of the wrongs I caused by coming here to Houston in due time.

Things are cool because I have faith in myself to do what's right and be where I'm supposed to be. To quote another blogger:

"But, that's just not the only thing that's got me feeling all complex and tangled and stuff. I got some decisions to make that actually affect my entire circle. Ultimately it's my life but, when you go through life you have to know that your choices affect others. Sometimes its good and other times it is positive. But it affects people.

I realize that sometimes I can get so lost in my own stuff that I let people fall to the wayside. I am so sorry to my family(you know who you are) if you feel like I haven't been there. Or, I am not listening but I am listening. I am here, so I will be looking for the call or email."

That's a Deep In Thought Moment. Take time to get over there and read her when you get a chance. Those 2 paragraphs fit me to a tee today.

So the remaining time I have here in Houston will be dedicated to doing what I think is the right thing, and that is going 'home'. Chicago hasn't been good to me and my family is dysfunctional as hell, but I think it's the right thing to do in going back and being there in the interim. I plan on getting back into a truck (sacrificing rent and house bills to pay for publishing and distribution) late summer/fall and basing myself out of someplace familiar, and Chicago is exactly that. Familiar.

Plus, I get to be close to my dad (we seem to be growing closer, imagine that) and although I have no relationship with my Mother, I hope to get to the day that we can have dialogue. I hate being so far away not being in contact. I won't be mad if something happens while I'm away and we're not talking, we've already made that choice, I would be mad if things aren't handled correctly. So I'd rather do that in life than in sickness and death, ya dig?

I found my mojo in the park on the South Side of Chicago. I pray it's still there waiting on me when I return.

More Chicago Shots

I had to post a few more shots from my 'visit' to Chicago last week. I really enjoyed myself beyond a few family follies. I thought I'd have enough time to do all the things I wanted to and see all of those I wanted to see but no. I tried to do what I could given the time I had.

I really appreciate my city and it's beauty. Take a glance at these shots and remember, you can click on them to make them larger to really get some detail. I'm headed back to the Chi in about a month or so on a few follow ups music-business-wise and of course I got a few interviews to do as well.

Enjoy.

I thought I'd throw in another shot from the Taste Of Chicago... Damn all them people and that heat!

I ran across a few hemp heads lobbying for weed equality and selling some cool ass T-shirts

I had to throw my skyline in there again. Had to. Still impressive and comforting

These cats have had a Cricket league in my old neighborhood park for more than 30 years. See that building back there? I grew up a few houses down from there most of my childhood into young adulthood.

Another beautiful shot of the Chicago skyline from 20th Street and California Avenue at about 5:30 am

You Know Who You Are

We have your IP address... you've done this twice today from the same location (silly, you're supposed to use dynamic IP addresses when spamming someone's blog/website).

You came thru Negrophile twice.

76.225.158.08

I have reported you to HPD's Digital Forensics Unit.

I no longer have to ask you to stay off of my blog due to your digital signature and trail left.

Get your own blog to state your views like the rest of us. Blogger is free ya' know?

Back In Effect

Yeah, so I went to Chicago for a week.

It was okay.

I mean, I made it safely there and back and I saw most of the people I wanted to sit and break bread or exchange words over a cup of java, but there are glaring non-connections that I wish happened. I also got a chance to get to a ball game, a few festivals and romp around a few places I used to haunt back in the day. I am sorry that I didn't get a chance to see a few folks...

I didn't get a chance to hook up with my home girl from BigPoshSpoiledTrustFundBaby University. We spoke and exchanged pleasantries over the phone during the week, and I had a book I picked up for her to read that I was to deliver but... Timing was off and we just didn't get that chance to connect.

I didn't see or speak to my older brother. It was funny because no one has his phone numbers (he keeps changing them) but his kids can get picked up by various family members so they could to go to their cousin's birthday party. I guess he didn't want to be bothered because although there was effort on my behalf and he knew I was in town, no effort was made from his direction...

My main man Mike. What happened dude? Your number changes or goes out of service the day I get there when we spoke the day before? No email or texts? Smoke signals or carrier pigeons? Wow.

Me and DJ Mornin Man had schedule conflicts, and the event planned on Monday night got shut down due to cats fighting. We didn't get a chance to get together.

Other than that, I had a somewhat pleasant time. I do have words for the family member that totally shut down the remainder of my week:

I know you read my blog. I love you and wish you well because I try not to hold grudges, but you were bogus for doing what you did and are currently doing and you know what you do. If it weren't for blood ties and the fate of certain other family members intertwined happiness with you I would whoop that ass within an inch of your life and wouldn't care if you lived or died from your injuries. You messed up a lot of things including my visit. You disrespected the elders and have the mitigated gall to gallivant around like your shit don't stink after causing a big one during the week. I hope you get it together and know that what you have is a blessing and not something owed to you because of who you think you are. The streets are watching and I'm waiting for the opportunity to rectify a few things if that needs to happen. Pray that it never comes to that.

So I'm back in Houston and I'm actually at my desk at work straight from the airport. My flight got re-routed due to weather concerns, but I made it back. There is a weird feeling I have in returning though. I can't call it but I think I know what it is. More on that later, I got blogs to read and stuff to catch up on.

Be easy, y'all.

Hassan Around Chicago (sort of)

Welcome back Mr Ntimbanjayo... That'll be 4 bux
Nothing quite like seeing the Sox
2007 Taste Of Chicago... Too many people in that heat
2007 African Caribbean Festival Of Life... Had to get my black soap

And Roscoe's still ain't open... Damn!

.

Post # 338: En Route... Final Destination?

Sunday morning I'm headed to Chicago.

I'll be there for a week and a day.

I'm not excited as I was yesterday because I know that I'm not going home. I know that I'm going to visit the city I was born and raised and that's a good thing. I know that I probably need to unwind and de-stress. I also know that there are family and friends that I'll see that'll probably satisfy the urge to have more than a few friendly faces, spaces and places that'll put me more at ease than I am here...

But Chicago is not my home.

Never has been.

I still know that there are a few places and circles where I won't be welcome and that comes with the territory, but that ain't it either.

The reason I'm not excited any more is because I realized that I don't have a home and I'll probably never have one.

I think it has something to do with me moving around a lot as a kid. I joined the military and moved around some more. When I got out, I kept on jumping around and still am right now. So here I sit prospecting on where I lay my head next, using my Chi-Town visit as a springboard feeling kind of guilty that I endeared myself to a few kind and wonderful folks here in Texas...

It ain't their fault.

I'll go to the Chi, take a bunch of pictures, record a few verses, drum up some new business, see some sites and sit with old friends and make a determination on where to next. Wish me luck and use a prayer bead on me, someone had the mitigated gall to sell me plane tickets and allowed me to have a rental car. They don't know how dangerous that really is with me at the helm.

So... Be well, play nice and thanks for stopping by my spot on the internet, I've enjoyed the company. Hopefully I'll get the opportunity and the urge to want to continue to do my thing. Until then, I'll hit the pause button and try to recharge my batteries.

And gain a little hope.

And inspiration.

I'm really not feeling it...

I'm coming off my so-called weekend and am dreading that moment when I hit the door at work.

I really haven't felt like dealing with the blog for a minute, so I haven't. That piece I wrote the other day really isn't a poem. Well to me it isn't. It is a literal interpretation of how I feel right now. Not that I'm depressed or angry at myself or anything, it's just... I feel burnt out right now. My energy levels aren't where they're supposed to be so I really need next week to happen right now. I leave for Chicago then, and I think I just need to be still somewhere and just let the city I was born and raised drown me with its offerings.

I do miss that.

So much to do and so little time in a place that barely sleeps. 

All I wanna do is have a few drinks, sit in a few outdoor cafes until 3am and see people that I recognize and not be in an environment that stymies my creativity. I believe a week or more in Chicago can do that. I also need to sit with my father and kick it with my lil bruh.

That'll be nice.

Then maybe I won't feel like I'm wasting my time because I'm not really feeling like I'm doing anything worth anything here in Houston. I done messed up for real.

Y'all be easy and remember:

Lock it on PBS at 8pm tonight to see 4 Black journalists poll the presidential candidates for the first time ever. I just wish a few republicans could have made the trip... I mean, I ain't no democrat but I thank Tavis anyway.

Reach

I done messed up...
I done messed up badly

It doesn't come to me any more

I'm stuck

It's all my fault

I've fallen behind and now I'm sinking.
It's not a bad thing yet
and I'm not angry about it
I just have to do something

I have to reach

By doing this things have to be destroyed,
reconfigured
It will be rebuilt
I must reach out and grab it before I
permanently lose it because it's going

I don't know what I'll do if I become
lost, it got so dark so quickly and now I
have to find my way.
I feel my way through but I seem to have
lost the hand that was guiding me
If I lose that there is no saving grace
But all is not lost.

I have a contingency

In my mind is the indelible image of
where I am to become
In the depths of my racing thoughts is the one
slow moving and stable process that will
save my soul
Embedded in my heart are the orders and
constructs that direct to rebuild the I
that is me thus saving my soul from an
eternity of fraud, waste and abuse

All I have to do is reach for it
All I have to do is capture it

All I must do is refocus all of my
energies and not be afraid to hold it in
my hand, it will edify my soul

Just the thought of it has given me hope,
but I know I must destroy

somethings
some places
dependency on

some people

But I done messed up
I messed up badly

I became stuck
Motionless

I became muddled in the mundane, stifled
in the stickiness of a frozen mind state.
I became what I tried to avoid in this, the
second act of my life

I became one of them and now I am ashamed of what I've become

I transformed into the trivial, morphed
into non-matter and became aloof in my
selfishness

I almost missed my call

I was moments away from ignoring the
voices... Those who have guided me and
kept me honest with self and the universe.
I nearly missed the jolt that jump started
my comrades into cultural jihad by simply
standing

in the wrong place

I'm not supposed to be here
I'm not supposed to be here
I'm not supposed to be here in this place right now

I have not received a single transmission
because my latitude and longitude does
not register on the wavelength of the
rebel transmission

I done messed up and now I must gather my
items, pack my tent and stuff my knapsack

and travel towards the sound


All is not lost, for I have a contingency
I just need to


reach

recapture

refocus


And be where I am of most use to the
omnipotent and serve out my days as
his
hers
their


Apostle


By fixing this mess and putting myself in the right place.

2007 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo, ya dig?

Post #335 - Life Gettin' In The Way...

I started the week pretty good.

I planned on blogging every day this week. I even gave myself a homework assignment in watching the Spike Lee 2000 joint 'Bamboozled'. I needed to see the flick again seeing as the last time I watched it was on network TV and all of the goodness was sucked out of it due to network editing. I wish I would have mentioned it in advance and made it a suggestion because I encountered more than a few folks that haven't seen this gem.

By the time I got to Thursday I had forgotten what day of the week it was. I seriously got confused dealing with my kidney stones, going back to work after working 7 straight days and dealing with some workplace drama that I had to put to bed and drama from a close friend that required me to step in and actually do something.

I hate when that happens.

Real life kicks in and the fate of someones life is in your and a few other's hands and I get scared when decisions have to be made because shit can backfire...

Let's hope that does not happen.

To my surprise I got name dropped by a former homey... Lover... Friend's blog this week. I am glad things are well in the old neighborhood and I wish her and hers very well, and many more birthdays. Happy and successful is a good look.

I got new toys to play with in making music. For all of those concerned, I live in a Pro Tools environment. Thank the lord. Eight new tracks done and a few more to go before I hit the road in August.

Damn, I'm busy. I started this at 2 O'clock this afternoon and I don't have anything left right now and I got 4 more hours to go over here at Big Oil.

My week will end in a busy maze of work and worrying about my dear friend. I'm sending out a general prayer memo for my close friend, my ex and her continued success and my sanity. It ain't the workplace drama, it ain't my friend and any drama related to them, it's these damn kidney stones. I might just reach in there and rip the whole damn thing out so I can have a day without trying to concentrate with pain.

And plus, I'm running out of herbs.

I heard Dr. Sebi (and his people) will represent at the African-Caribbean Festival Of Life in Chicago July 1-8th. I plan on consulting with the good doctor on my conversion, detox and my future naked... In the forest... Talking to the animals.

Thursday

Busy, busy, busy.

Hell, I just got access to the internet. I'll blog about something tomorrow.

Be easy.

My Work Rant

You know I was going to put it down one day about the
gig, right? Well here it is:

From the moment I got to the section in the building
where I was to work, I knew I was going to have to
watch my step so I wouldn't slip on the banana
peels...

I hate calling names, but there are a few 400 pound
gorillas and a whole bunch of monkey business going on
over here at Big Oil.

Now my approach getting settled into the new gig was
modest and relaxed, all I wanted to do after sitting
through one PowerPoint presentation and film after
another in a classroom setting for a few weeks was to
get in the middle of doing what I was being paid to
do. I didn't know much about the methods taken to make
things work in my department with proprietary software
and procedures but I understood what we do as a
department and why. I just had to get my hands dirty
and use the tools like everyone else. I needed my
hands on experience and I was excited to get my hands
dirty.

Now as most of you know, I am a truck driver. Did my
thing over the road for a minute in my last
incarnation. Our department's responsibility here at
Big Oil is to make sure out customers never run out of
fuel. We are the ones that coordinate the movement of
things from refinement to you pumping it into your
automobile, and that's all you need to know. We are
good at what we do and that's why we're about to shed
#2 status and be big folks on campus.

Our jobs are important. We must work collectively in
order for us to do our thang which means we must work
in close quarters and constantly communicate with our
peers to keep the big wheel a turnin'. In environments
such as this you have to get to know everybody because
we all work to keep that big wheel from squeaking by
adding our own grease. Active participation from
everyone is a must, but what happens when folks get
all exclusive with their shit? How does work get done
when folks get a little too personal with co-workers
and/or knows all the business?

What if you're the new cat and there is one important
greaser that doesn't even care if you got your bucket
of oil?

I am the new guy. There are 2 other new folks and the
other two are natives of the area and have small degrees
of seperation to a few that have already embedded
themselves here at big oil. No relation, but this is a
smaller place and most of these folks worked together
in some form in the past. There are no favors here.
Everyone that is here has earned a spot, but that
ain't my point.

I am the odd man out. I look like a yankee, act like
one and definitely speak like one. The one thing that
I have that others don't quite have is an advanced
education of how things work here due to the fact that
I have driven a few fuel loads in my day, worked in a
distributions depot for damn near a decade and have
dibbled in the hardware/software package we're
migrating to in the future. I got recruited based on
those factors and I ain't mad at that.

Imagine how it feels to have everyone already know
your background before you get a chance to introduce
yourself. Imagine how it feels to have a chosen few
purposely ignore you based on what they think they
know. I haven't endeared myself to anyone here but I
have gotten to know literally a few folks around
here and I was told of the exclusivity and cliques
that exist here at Big Oil. I needed that info.

There are two people in particular that are on my team
that have refused to introduce themselves to me, less
look me in the eye. I have gone above and beyond the
call to speak, acknowledge and even ask for assistance
from these individuals to no avail. I could give less
than a damn personally, but because we are on the same
team (what about work productivity, lost revenue and
overall cohesion?) and I am not yet proficient with
how things go down, the company stands to lose
hundreds of thousands of dollars daily as long as the
clique-ish behavior continues.

If I'm responsible for the transfer of product with
limited training, I am bound to get in a few jams. If
I cannot get the help I need, we lose money ultimately
based on my judgement. I will be forgiven for some
lapses in judgement until I reach a certain threshold,
but what happens after that? One day I'm not going to
be the rookie and it will be on me to determine major
decisions when it comes to a customer, client or employee
in the 4 regions my teammates and I oversee.

That's the thing about this job. Sometimes
you have to make the call. That's how much trust Big
Oil has in it's employees. We train you, help you grow
and then depend on you to continue the trend of
generating revenue by maintaining the high standard
set by those that have proceeded you.

So the day I walk into the bullpen and hear the
cackling of the office hens going on about a
co-worker's private affairs in the most negative
manner ever established in office gossip history and
later that day I see and hear you as you creep around
the corner and whisper to these same hens with ridicule
and negative criticisms about a 2 minute conversation I
had with with a co-worker about a movie trailer as if
my tastes and behavior is unsanitary, how am I supposed
to act?

You would know if you took the time to get to know me.
Even if it was on the surface, at least you would know
how I would respond.

But because you never took the time even in distrust
to get a peek at personality quarks you don't know if
I'm some uncoof negro hellbent on bringing you down
with a gossip campaign of my own.

I could not give a damn and get gangster enough to
have a crackhead or a homeless person assault you in
the parking lots they magically appear in after 6pm.

I could be a war veteran readjusting to society with
this being my first taste of interaction with the
general public. The most constructive criticisms
placed on a frazzled person could be the straw that
mentally breaks the camel's back.

I could just be plain ghetto and pop you in the mouth
repeatedly until the two big security guards come and
haul me off to the underground brig.

I could take it in stride and make a pass at you
thinking it's a cute invitation to break you off sexually
and pass the sordid details on to my lunch buddies.

See, since you never made the effort to even know my
name but knew all about what degrees I have and where
I supposedly came from you really don't know me, and
that's the scary part. I now have you wondering if
your actions will come back and bite you in your ass,
especially after I confronted you, confusing you
because you thought I didn't hear or didn't know you
are a crab.

In a barrel.

If you knew me, you would know and understand that I
was recruited to come here and excel beyond where you
are. That I have already been assigned a corporate
mentor where as in your vested tenure you never
applied for an interdepartmental transfer. That even
though I indicated to my superiors that I may go back
into the trucking industry I was still invited to come
and let Big Oil win me over with great pay, nice
benefits and the opportunity to move up and on due to
my education and background.

If you knew me, you would have know that I have damn
near photographic memory when it comes to code and
software maintenance and that I memorized things so I
wouldn't have to ask you a damn thing and cover my
assets and the teams in the same breath.

If you knew, you would already know that I could quit
today, walk away from this semi-lucrative job and not
get foreclosed on in a matter of weeks. Because I chose
to educate myself I could go elsewhere and be all right
financially. That this was plan C by accident and
plans A and B are on serious standby meaning I have
options which leads me back to you wondering what I
might do.

I think because you and your cohorts are so wrapped up
in that colored shit, you will never rise above where
you are now in your career and as a person, and that I
will never stoop to your level and dignify your
remarks with lewd behavior. The fact that I feel sorry
for your children because they have you as a parent
and that limits them as human beings as you have been
limited, and all that is you will fall and burn while
the rest of the world moves forward not even knowing
your name.

Continue swinging from the trees little monkey while
the rest of us laugh at you as you sling shit and
dance. I'll continue to frown upon me working in a
corporate environment and yearn the time when I was my
own boss, traveling the interstate.

I think I just made a career decision!

Wrong Place, Wrong Time In Speech And Actions

I haven't had the opportunity to blog due to my unrealistic schedule and travel but there have been things on my mind that I wanted to share, so I do this from my desk at work. I need to be learning about what it is that makes my job so important, but when it's just you and a handful on a Sunday, time is all you got.

Something I noticed.

In life, some people regardless who they are or the extent of their nature have no clue on how to accommodate someone in transition without announcing or acknowledging what it is that makes transition uncomfortable or difficult. If it wasn't for some of those announcements most of us wouldn't know that such difficulties exist. There is indeed a struggle in adjusting to new surroundings. Most times it's just a part of progression in digging in.

We try, I believe we do but sometimes the fact that we make a big thing out of a small thing that becomes a big thing is the wrong thing to do. especially when that someone is you, regardless which side you're on. Sometimes just diligently working things into your daily routine or learning the language, or acting more like Romans in Rome without making a Broadway production out of things is what is needed to digest and understand all things new in transition. Slow, easy and silent is the best way sometimes.

Take me for example.

In my coming to Houston to recover physically I've encountered more difficulty in finding ease in the actual act of transition than I have in actually transitioning. I'm not complaining because I have the support and the love I need to get by and beyond. I just noticed that when people's hearts allow them to give themselves, sometimes its followed or proceeded with an announcement when in my personal opinion sometimes that verbal memo should have been kept to themselves.

You don't have to explain to me how difficult things are with adapting to the culture, the climate or the environment and how you will do and how you've done to have helped someone before me. I already know that. Let me take my steps without indicating that I made what could be considered wrong steps in your eyes.

You don't have to go above and beyond the call of duty to accommodate someone that has working hands, feet and a very functional mind. The best thing in allowing someone into your realm when its new to them is letting them experience the experience. Self-discovery is life changing for most, especially when one is allowed to revel in the moment after the newness sinks in.

You damn sure don't have to ostracize someone in order to motivate them to get deeper into the experience. Just because you know about all that is your neck of the woods, that is not going to stop someone from making gentle comparisons to where they're from because maybe that's all they know. Anything else added to someones adjustment makes it extremely damn uncomfortable and adds the permanent stain that will be embedded into memory, that moment being related to an unhappy experience.

Thing is, I've been blessed to travel a lot and see places my mother used to excite me about in her bedtime stories and fairy tales. When I've unboarded a plane or stepped off of a train or somethingortheother, all I had to depend on is my wit, charm and personality if previous study of the lay of the land and my pocketbook didn't suffice.

I had a conversation with my brother this evening and he knew the discomfort in my voice. The convo was all about him and Pops and the Father's Day festivities and the voice mail message I left that made him cry. I didn't mean to, but I logged into my Gmail account and saw someone online in Google Chat who only had memories. Her father passed a few years back and when we used to kick it back in the day I never felt a vibe like I felt the night she told me about her father, her love for him and how much a void there was since he passed away. I have my dad, my stepfather and a new stepfather along with uncles and other family and friends that were more than a rock for me throughout my entire life. I could never imagine a day without them there and as I saw the little green button indicating her online I felt her void again.

We don't speak anymore, but I still love her love for her dad and I said a little prayer. I hope her day went well.

I had to tell my brother how uncomfortable I feel here in Houston and how that feeling I had months ago hasn't gone away. It ain't the place, it's my place in life. I know that each day I spend here feels more and more like that feeling I got from that sister when she shared her feelings about her father. I spent my day at work getting nothing accomplished in my spiritual growth and development. That time would usually be spent with my father and brothers.

I am in the wrong place, and the fact that I had to leave Pops a voicemail message tells me that my timing is off as well.

I am supposed to be closer to those I have been put here to be closer to. I hope in going back to Chicago in a few weeks that I can release what I have held in order to keep my sanity, get some fresh vibes and move forward.

I'm a little miffed at the fact that I recorded two podcasts that I could not load onto Blogger Wednesday and Friday. I took the time and effort to put a couple of pieces together and Blogger just couldn't work with me. I guess the technology was too advanced.

I will not re-post them, I will re-record and try again next week or something.

My schedule is brutal right now. I'm working 2 to 10:30pm and it takes me 2 hours to get to work and 2 getting home which totally takes my spare time away from me. This is why there was only one post this week. I do have a week scheduled in Chicago the first week in July and I will be blogging from the road and taking pics while there, I'm just not sure about next week. I have some vocals to lay down and a few tracks to make, and I'm trying to get that together as well as track laying and vocals to record with DJ MorninMan while in the Chi, so time is tight.

My health is aiight, I'm still passing kidney stones. No worries bout' that, this herbal stack I'm taking is working very well so pain and discomfort is low.

I gotta get back to work, y'all. Later.

Feeling Myself, And Not In That Manner...

When was the last time you really 'felt' yourself?


What I'm asking is, when was the last time you really felt good about everything? Like all your circuitry was functioning at optimal capacity and there wasn't some sort of spiritual breach or mental sag in your daily ya dig, you know... When was the last time you felt like you were on point?

Hell, it's been so long for me that I really cannot remember.

Now that's not a bad thing, but I look at what I have left and see that although my window is shorter in doing things that are impactful, the appreciation of accomplishment is that much more pertinent to my overall basket of happy. What I'm saying is that it would be a large favor from the universe to have me live more years than I have already, so time for me is short if I wanna get some real stuff (well, to me at least) done.

Now I'm satisfied with what has happened so far, and my laundry list of complaints are probably like everyone else's, but I know that I have more inside that I can pass on and I know that there is more for me out there somewhere all wrapped in a bow, just waiting for me to stumble across and claim.

I don't know if that is a person, a place or a thing.

Damn... I just realized that I just described a noun when I typed it. I hope it's that simple.

Oh! I remember the last time in my life where everything clicked and seemed perfect:

It was a few days before Thanksgiving back in 1991. I was in the Army living stationed at Camp Casey which is in Tondecheon, South Korea. I had just gotten a promotion and I was living in a double room in the barracks with no roommate. I was an Intelligence Analyst working in battalion headquarters processing security clearances and dispensing communications security to the soldiers in the Signal Unit I served in. It was a cushy job. I had my own office and workspace and was left alone with my paperwork and radio.

Let me set things up...

I was in impeccable shape mentally, especially physically. I'm talking bodyfat at 12 percent and hitting my two mile run right at 14 minutes. I was putting down 3 to 5 books a week and reading damn near every magazine at the PX because I was so homesick. Das Efx was the rap kids on the block and Gerald LeVert was telling us about his private line. On weekends I would go down to Seoul and get on the trains and busses. I would just lose myself in Korean culture and get lost in their life and customs.

I was writing my whole family and calling my girl weekly, who was doing her thing at Bradley U. I paid every bill on time and had no outstanding debt. I was buying 20 to 30 records a week and practicing my cuts on these cheap-ass belt driven turntables, practicing my on-air radio skills because I knew I was going to be a radio and club DJ when I got out. I had also took enough classes and Central Texas College (conveniently located on EVERY Army post) to have earned my associates and enough Army correspondence courses to gain another promotion in 90 days after getting my most recent one. I was a machine, y'all.

Sensible diet, 5 miles every morning, chill-ass job, hobbies, the excitement of living overseas, active social life with the cats in the barracks and this cute-ass Korean chick named Song and her American infatuated sorors. Something about them fit ass military brothers... My Jeans West slacks fresh from the US were hot to def and I was rocking them thick soled shoes with the metal on the toes, accesorizing it with the floral print shirts that was rocking 2 for $22 and the fold over belts with the metal tips that made the early 90's hot. I could've been a dancer on Nia Peeples' Party Machine.

I was that fly.

I was on top of my game, and things couldn't be better. I had the support of my family, being in the military was a good thing and I had healthy, stress-free relationships with everyone I called friend. Even my adversaries were in the pocket. I knew where they stood and they I. I believe athletes call it being in the zone. You know, when the ball looks to be the size of a head of lettuce for a baseball player , or the hoop seems eight feet wide to a basketball player. Nothing was out of place, all of my parts worked perfectly and nothing could possibly go wrong for my young, gifted, upwardly mobile military ass twenty-six thousand miles from home.

Until I got a phone call.

Like I said, it was right before turkey day and I was ready to celebrate with the cats in my unit seeing as I couldn't get home to do it. I remember it was cool out side and not yet winter. No coats or anything, the temperature was in the 60's, perfect for heading into December. I had a great day at the office and worked out that evening. I bought a mink blanket at this market not far from the base and I had taken a liking to sleeping under it with my windows open. My ritual at that time was to just chill and think out my day in the dark right before sleeping and I did that usually listening to Anita or Sade. This night was Anita. I was in my bed, lights out under the blanket feeling this beautiful breeze on my face when the phone jolted me out of my meditative state. It was about 12:30 and I was reviewing my state of being. I was at my calmest and I was thinking at that moment how blessed I am to be in this place at this time. It was no deal to get up and answer the phone, everything was perfect and although no one ever called me after 11pm or so, this had to be something extra special waiting for me on the other end of that line. What more could the universe give me? I was already at my happiest. Any more blessings would be blessed overkill.

So I hear the voice of my first seargent (a Boricua cat, instant bond... tanto como mi parte posteriora de la familia casera) and he had tears in his cracked voice. My grandfather had died. He spoke with my mother and it was already arranged for me to hit a 6am plane to Chicago to make it there. From what he didn't tell me I knew that things were falling apart in Chicago. Although the military doesn't let folks go home for funerals of family outside of immediate, my grand parents were my legal guardians because moms was a career student when I was a kid. She had given birth to three before she was able to vote, and the success of my entire family depended on her getting an education because she was the oldest. Since my granny grands were legally my parents, I got a chance to go home.

It wasn't my grandfather's death that changed my life. It wasn't the fact that my grandmother, aunt and I got into horrible car accident the night of the funeral. It wasn't the fact that now my grandfather's wife, who was now in the hospital with a broken neck wearing a halo would die six months to the day (she healed from the neck injury, but died of a broken heart. Forty years is a long time) and that visit was the last time I would see her alive, It was the two visits I made from Korea, one to bury Pops, the other to bury Mamma that actually changed up my flow.

It was the energy of the survivors that changed me.

Although I went back to Korea to finish my tour, I went back the first time a little twisted from the experience, the second even more effed up and it wasn't because my beloved passed away. I learned that I became a product of my environment. The energy in Chicago hasn't been right since that time, and I exited the military at the end of 1992 and came back to even more dysfunction. I sopped it up like a sponge and applied all of the effed up methods, ways and means of my family and others. I didn't realize I was replaying all of the alcoholism, verbal abuse and uncaring ways I learned from my environment until I had broken up with my third long-time girlfriend broke, unmarried and childless with nothing tangible spiritually to take away from any of my situations. My people aren't bad people, some of em' just aren't good examples to follow. Some other's blueprints are askew for you, ya' dig?

When I left home for the military, I had to figure things out for myself and although my methods were questionable, they were effective for me. I gave all of that up when I got out because I thought I should learn and emulate from folks that had been in the game longer than I. I shoulda' stuck to my own game plan.

And you wonder why I'm living in Houston right now?

I'm trying to feel myself again. Remember what that felt like?

On the show next week:

Blackfist sits with Hassan and breaks down what it is...


Stay tuned

that's not what I meant...

I really didn't want to just put myself out there like I did Monday, but I realize that in order to answer the larger questions someone has to ask them.

So I take back my statement from yesterday.

To answer a question posed from Monday's post:
Question - How does one detach emotions from sex?
Answer - Exposure to those that have perfected it will give you all the detail in the world.

There was a lot of womanizing and belittling of expressions of love in my upbringing. From Father figures to Father Whatshisname from the parochial school my entire family attended, pimp-ism in the form of 'we don't love them hoes' was the standard and the goal for most men. I am a product of that. Partner that with the blackploitation joints, the dis-assemblage of my community and the infestation of drug culture from fill in the blank, I picked this method of life up and ran with it until I hit what I like to call my heathen wall.

I want to be free to move about and do what a free man does, and that is love and be loved. I cannot die without having that.

and property
and revisiting Africa
and having the possibility of making babies... I said I want the possibility.

My cold shoulder has been turned from unlove for a long time. I just wish it would reciprocate.

I'm sorry I ever put myself out there like that yesterday.

Wearing It Out

I've always been able to extend thangs before I had my happy moment.






You know what the hell I mean.





I've always been able to perform and last, you know... Put a good show on and hold out and extend that thang before reaching the climactic ending of yet another sexual episode. It was almost like there was an old school media announcer narrating my escapades like I was shagging on 'Texaco's Majestic Master Of Mystery Radio Hour'.

"How long will Hassan last this time?"
"Is this his greatest fourth quarter performance yet?"
"Will she cry mercy again under his heavy humping?"
"Is he impressed - will there be a return date?"
"Did she reach climax, or was he just out to get one for himself?"

"We'll know the answer to these questions and many more at the end of another episode of...

"The Phantom Climax!!!" (cue dramatic/cheesy radio thrill music)


I used to be able to separate sex from making love. It was no thing to have sex and put on an academy-award winning, in the bed, floor shaking performance for a sister. Problem is, now in my late 30's I can't seem to find the motivation to let one go all willy nilly without great reason. I have lost the ability to separate my emotions from sex because I believe in soul ties.

I think it has something to do with me getting grown, but in 2007 it's all about actually feeling this incredible bond and having mutual respect for a sister so deep seeded that if I ain't feeling the universe... It ain't working.

You got that
That it's too good I don't deserve it kinda love
That girl I'm calling in sick to work kinda love
That sweaty funky dope kinda love
That's what you got
That call it a night kinda love

That girl slow down I'm about to bust kinda love
That don't stop girl, get it get it kinda love
That back it up, break it off head boards knockin' kinda love
That's what you got
Call it a night kinda love

Wear It Out - Gerald Levert

Remember that shit?

I feel kind of guilty because I think that over time it's led up to this. I've been so wrapped up into getting my thang together on so many levels that it's like any lust or desire I have, even a little it is suppressed or totally has dried up to the point where I don't want to do it at all. It's like I'm hating sex based on all of the bad, meaningless sex I've had over the years. I think my shit is broke y'all. I would love to get back to enjoying the act, but spiritually I just don't feel like it's my time to release that monster onto the world.

I don't understand.

I really want to, but when I just can't right now. How in the hell is she supposed to understand that shit because I can't. I've never been at a point where I don't wanna do it but I seem to have reached that point right now, and it flusters me badly.

And yes, thinking about my performance makes me (and every other brother) so aware of their performance to a fault.

So I'm stuck.

I'm confused.

And I want to let one go so badly right now. But whatever it is...

Whatever it is...
Whatever it is...

It won't let me.

What in the hell is wrong with me? This isn't normal behavior, is it?

Daydreaming About Home

I really haven't had the time I wanted to blog or get into reading others due to the time I dedicate to big oil these days. I've been coming home and sleeping immediately after leaving work, and now I have a schedule that has me leaving the house at 4:15 in the AM...

Just takes a little time getting used to, that's all.

I'm feeling better and am off the anti-biotic. Thanks for the well wishes. I hope I never go thru anything like that again. Ailing innards takes pain tolerance (for me) to a whole other level.

I just realized that I haven't had a daydream or REM induced dream since late last summer. Probably has something to do with my lack of effective writing. I've been dragging my feet with the poetry, so things like a release date for my works is damn near non-existent.

I got my plans to get back to Chicago on lock... A whole week back in the Chi. Home! Damn, so much to do and so many people to get at in seven whole days. I don't want to leave already. I'll have to find a way to convince myself to get on the plane back to Houston. I'm a big-city kid and I needs my concrete, steel and glass. And my people. And the things that make Chicago my home. I'm sure there are things that make your spot... Yours. I miss my family gathering every weekend

And my White Sox
Griot Baba Biko
And Washington Park
And the Negro League Cafe
And the El
Grant Park
The Swift Mansion
Navy Pier
Harold's Chicken
Al's basement
and mild sauce
The Tribesmen
and the lakefront
and stepper's sets
Kingston Mines
House Music
Hyde Park
Still Black See

I miss my city badly. I guess you can't shake where home is, and why should you?

I took that photo back in the summer of 05 when things were nice and calm in my life. Since I pulled a pic, might as well repost a piece I enjoyed writing and reciting. Here goes nothing:

Motion, Time

We move within silence not
knowing if that motion is directed
towards completion.

To me silence replaces distance,
so I make noise as to keep unspoken
feelings audible.

If I can hear, then I know that you're close.
It comforts me knowing that your emotions
are within arms reach.

I hope that actions mean completion
of us. I pray that distance only means
that we'll be together in the meantime
and that we can grow out of individual
space.

In time.

The clicking that interrupts white noise is
me eagerly responding to you. At times I'm
afraid to pick up the phone, during others I
become a coward, withdraw and anticipate
you typing.

I get short of breath.

Silence broken ushers curious gladness.
Reconnected via wrists and fingertips helps
smooth quiet loneliness out. It replaces
conversation, but only in a season.

I write in silence only to break it with a
yearning thought. I read aloud to exercise
the power of the written word into spoken.

Words have the power of life and death.

I view pictures with hopes of recall
enhancing our face to face. Every
now and then I check my pocket
to make sure I have enough to
bring that thing together.

I can't swallow. That thought so tense.

That thing is time. Things happen in
due time. Timing is everything, it's special
that I might want to dedicate said
time for a long time.

We move within silence not knowing if that
motion is directed towards completion,
but we want it to.

We want it to, right?

2005 Hassan Ntimbanjayo, ya dig?

Yeah, you inspired me to write that and it's still effective ma'am

Sometimes I gotta inspire myself. This moment for me is critical in receiving the proper energies I need in moving forward and making things work. For my work, my job and my state of being. I need to motivate myself to maintain focus. I really want to go home and just be, but I cannot right now, so I'll just live in the moment and enjoy what's in front of me because that's good too.

Get your weekend popping and be well.