Friday Musings

Purpose

Fidelity

Trust

Vision

Focus

Love

Respect

Hope

Family

Groove


I jotted down these words in an effort to see if I could come up with something out of them. I tell you that I haven't neglected this space, it's just that my hands are so full and I am giddy like a schoolgirl in the enjoyment of my abundance of people, things and places that make my life so complete in this moment.

Some times we are riddled with stress and strife, death, taxes and loss of freedom and in some fashion I have had my hands full dealing with these things in the past week and some change. I tell you right now that the sister that has my life placed at her feet and the family I've gained to include my family has me at a point where nothing can rattle me or take me off of my square.

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. Folks aren't as healthy as they should be, others don't quite know what their health status really is and time will tell. Someone's job is on the line. There has been death, taxes depression and family squabbles as well as incarceration that overtook the week before Thanksgiving in my family. I have all the confidence in the world that we will be breaking bread, chasing babies to make them eat and snapping on how big somebody's head is next Thursday evening all up and thru my momma's house.

I'm waiting to get full. Tick-like, fo sho.

I live, work and do all things to make the hopes of a healthy, successful family a reality. That's real. I can't recall no other time in my life where going to work felt so damn good. I know that all I do is to grow my family and it's also to have the things we want. We already have the thing we need in vast abundance.

I was talking to a friend out west and she was telling me how in an instant after she met this man that she knew this was her husband. We traded stories on how everything we did from brushing our teeth to arranging dinner was done for the sole purpose of satisfying our new partners which satiated something deep in our souls. Their overall happiness meant that we're happy as well. We also lamented over how things that happened brought us to this moment. I questioned mine because I felt that I never deserved anything like this, she told me not to question anything and just ride the wave. I questioned and doubted my position months ago because it was so surreal. I took my big homies advice then and have been on this incredible trip of realness based on love, trust and the hopes for the future. Riding the wave, indeed.

Well dammit, the water is indeed warm and I hope all of y'all get a chance to skinny dip just once. Damn, I really hope that. This kind of thang changes lives and gives many a sense of purpose so strong that nothing can break it or diminish its luster.




My PURPOSE in this existence is to celebrate
I revel in the reality that is you
Our toasts are to events that not yet have happened
but have more meaning that I could have ever over stood
because in our union we work to cultivate life.
I am a foreman of FIDELITY,
focused in my actions to construct our foundation
and build our forever only with you
The you that is inspires the blueprint
Our house is built on the TRUST shared between us,
all waters are calm and our minds are sure because
we cosign to each other's VISION.
Continue to back me the way you have and my
FOCUS grows stronger and my since of purpose will
never wane because our responsibilities will grow.
My LOVE can never fail,
From the first time our eyes met the sounds of my
father and grandfather's call for RESPECT echoed
through my head.
The HOPE of a healthy FAMILY lies within our hands and
the continuation of our actions. My confidence grows
by the moment, we got a GROOVE going on.
Let's keep that rhythm, it's easy to step to.


Let's hope I stay in that groove...

Wasting Time

Peace and blessings in the name of the Most High...

It has not been hectic for me, I haven't been that busy and I've had time and opportunity to blog, I just haven't. I'm having too much of a good time just doing regular stuff and enjoying being in the moment.

I was watching the high definition bootleg of American Gangster the other day and I realized that Bumpy Johnson died at the same age my grandfather did. He was only 62.

Now I say only 62 because I find that to be uncharacteristically young even for a black man. Now that I approach 40 it does not register in my mind that I could die at 62. That would mean that I have lived more of my life than I have left if the Creator has decided to call me home at that time. It led me to think about all that I have gone through and all that I have experienced and it also made me look at my life so far and all of the things I want to but have not yet accomplished.

Not that seeing that movie made me immediately think of making change... I reminded myself that out of all that I have done that I have basically wasted my time.

Now I've been a few places and met a few folk that would stay with me forever, but in the grand scheme of things, I've done nothing to accomplish my goals in life besides writing and making music half-assed, and losing my inspiration and motivation to create earlier this year had to be the most debilitating thing that has ever happened to me in my life.

For me to know in this moment that I have most likely lived more than half my life (understanding that I am overweight, have diabetes and don't eat right most of the time - makes me think of how much time I really have left) and it's high time that I do the things that I am supposed to do to complete myself. This is why I am currently chilling in the cut right now in the Pacific Northwest making moves and doing all things necessary in starting my family because I know that I'm supposed to be at this point in my life.

Not that everything in my life has been a waste of time but sometimes one is prep eared for the now by learning that he or she didn't have to go thru the BS of the past. More about all of that and how it applies to me later. Now, it's off to brunch somewhere near Napa Valley.

And some football.

Well Hello There...

You ever have a moment in life where things are so great that it keeps you from 'regular' stuff (like blogging)?

Well, I'm in that moment. I am in the process of detailing things, it's just taking more time than I thought.

Did you participate in the blackout last Friday? I did. Do you realize the power we have and can have by making this a regular occurance?

Are you coming with me to Washington DC on the 16th? Think about the timing of the march and the appointment of the new attorney general. What type of infuuence can we have on the sitting AG when it comes to justice for young black men, the hanging of nooses around America and interpretation of the law in our neighborhoods?

It might be time for the the so-called war on drugs comes to an end. Way too many non-weapon offenders are serving time when all they need is rehab and a P.O.

This AG will be already seated when whomever gets elected president...

We gotta have more cowbell...

Enough about our responsibilities and more about my pending mortgage and child care expenses in a moment.

Tomorrow...

I get back to being regular.

And to think, I didn't need a whole tub of Metamucil.

See you in a minute folks!

Check The Adlib...

Dear T.I.P.

The last time I checked you were bragging on making double digit millions to various magazines and big upping your new flick with Denzel. I'm sorry, I didn't see you in Jena or have I heard anything about your support on this issue or others.

Little girls have been wronged by school security

Young men have been wronged by the justice system

Women have been raped, beaten and/or murdered

The world's most famous house nigger released a book and invited a bunch of folks 'down with the movement' to a few mixers in support of said literary rag

Leading republican candidates running for the highest office in this country showed their asses at a christian fundamentalist luncheon/dinner but could not make it over to Morgan State a few weeks ago

A brother in your own ATL was murdered in cold blood by a cop. The department released at least 4 false statements stating that the brother snapped and got himself deadded... They forgot there was a dashboard cam

And you ask for support and justice? What about your fanbase?

Enough...


A few weeks ago, I had the most interesting conversation that I've ever had in my entire life. I was shocked and stunned by it and I was also prompted to search myself for the proper key to me being reborn.

I have to be.

Never in my life have I had this vote of confidence, and the lack of someone having that in me helped me in determining that I would never marry or have children, based off of the words that still ring in my head and the actions performed over the last couple of months has me preparing for two of the things I avoided like the plague in my adult life and what I now want now more than ever.

I found my wife

She will have my children

What I'll do from this point is chronicle the connection, the actions that lead to trust and actions performed that'll make us family.

See, there... That'll inspire me to write.

Huh?

I still don't feel like coming here... Give me a little time, will ya?

About my uncle... I decided to give that lil' tidbit of info, other things in this investigation I'd rather not talk about and there are certain things I cannot say. You never know who links you to folks and when they lurk and give info about you and yours. Trust me when I say stuff like that can lead to you falling off your horse. I'm still brushing myself off right from falling some time ago.

Nuff Said



Hey?

You ever wake up and realize exactly what you're supposed to do and where you're supposed to be?

I had that epiphany some time ago, I just had to get to the place to make it happen. I am happy in being in the exact place, moment and in the company of those that will observe with hope and will also participate in my overall happiness. It takes a spiritual overhaul to get to that place and be in that moment with those people. The process in not painless.

It took time for me to get here and I kept falling over and over. I am not surprised in the changes made for me to realize what I like to call 'my happy'. It's not weird like I thought it would be, ya know?

Writing for me has been a labor to say the least for me. I know that events circumstances in 2007 has led me to find out that I am not a writer, nor do I have the inspiration to continue writing. I lost the desire by influence and I wish I could explain further, I know that there are so many other important things than me working to meet a deadline... And for what?

I can safely say that 2007 up to late summer/this fall has been my worst time in my life. I ain't talking about losing family or not communicating with family or real friends. You look back at what your lowest points are and how you functioned and are amazed in how and what you did to fight back up to the surface. Pain, discomfort and deprivation leads you to either give up or live another day. Writing and the joys I once found in it are just one of the things I'm letting go because of what stymied and disillusioned me about writing.

There is no joy in it for me anymore. I actually hate it.

I'm also soured on making new music as well. I'm working on getting that mojo back. There are wonderful opportunities in my new place that will help me harvest material that has been trapped inside of me for quite some time. I embrace that because I could never give up the drum.

I know that some of you think of me as this focused, driven machine destined to be alone with countless pages of my writings, to the contrary, I knew what my purpose was but I had to get there spiritually in order for me to fulfill said destiny.

I want to be a father.
And a husband.
That's right I said it... I want to be a family man.
And I don't want to put my career or personal aspirations in front of that.

Career aspirations aside, I know that this is what I am supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be, so in totally throwing y'all a super slow curve ball I must say that I am working on being those two things before anything else right now at this moment. It ain't like I'm speed dating or having sex for conception right now, but you know what I mean.

After years and years of doing what I thought I wanted to do and in doing that knowing what I don't want, I am now in the place where I want to be the family man the Creator placed me here to be. Yeah, I probably will train some tiny Pan-African revolutionary activists hell bent on making the change I still want to make, but I ain't wasting time cooped up trying to write about the revolution.

Remember, it ain't supposed to be televised, right?

Unless you're watching a porno.

How Much Value...

Get this...

A fourteen year old boy was arrested and charged with murdering my uncle.

Ha stated that he was paid $400 to do so.

The Mini-Battle With My Inner-Nigger

It's been hard to come here to my own blog.

The past couple of weeks have been difficult to say the least:

A family member was murdered and buried in less than a week and we have no leads as to who took the life of our beloved.

I was involved in 2 separate 'trucking incidents' that resulted in lost time and mileage. I have to stand in front of an independent investigator this week to see if I pay for the combined $60,000 plus in damages. I claim innocence, nuff said.

I've been stolen from, harassed, betrayed, ridiculed and taken advantage of as well as being sold down the river by a handful of folks I called 'close'.

But know that the good still outweighs the bad immensely.

In times like this something happens to me. I try to maintain my sanity but my inner self doesn't want to hear that shit. My inner-nigger wants to take over and get busy rectifying things. Of course I can't let him because I'm too handsome to go to jail. And I got a round booty.

Not a good thing, trust me. I wouldn't know and I ain't trying to find out, trust me.


I went thru a thing the week I got into my little trucking mishap. I started hearing from folks I wouldn't dig out of a grave if I had the powers of regeneration as well as folks that were smiling in my face and selling me out in the same breath. Shit started getting thick. Vultures always swoop down when you start to wane from life's attempt to kick your ass and then...

Nigger - Let me get at em man

Me - I can't let you out, you do bad shit.

Nigger - I know! I swear, say the word son, I'll go to their house, ring the doorbell and get a nice firm grip on that neck kid!

Me - What about them breathing?

Nigger - They don't need to breathe... People like that aren't worthy of life, son!


I never got why cats get on rap records and used their talent to speak on killing folks they didn't know. I know that sex and violence rules the entertainment game but I didn't know that it's the niggers on this planet that regulated who lives or dies. My inner nigger really wanted to go out and rid the world of folks he felt weren't worthy of inhaling, and that ain't my bag baby.

In the past twenty years, the best way to end shit was to close the deal by applying the expiration date on folks and their operation. Ass whoopins and such became a thing of the past and pride in bruises went the way of the stagecoach. High school kids started bringing guns to schools and tiny little things in the hood went under the bed and got daddy's tech 9 and blasted the kid down the street because he or she was getting teased to the point of humiliation.

In the past couple of months I too was teased, ridiculed and humiliated by those that were close to me. Things were said behind my back that discounted my value and worth to those I endeared myself to. Things both tangible and intangible were stolen from me. I was emasculated and paraded about as the carnival freak and I had enough and attempted to walk away. In me walking away from those that took advantage of me there was frustration I guess and I was betrayed in a manner that I won't even share here in the place I usually tell all my business.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to lash out the way other kids in my environment do currently and in the past. I could not believe that I had an inner nigger. I never thought I would bring home the urge to want to take someone's life. I thought I left that in the military. My inner nigger damn near convinced me to take a hundred steps backward and risk my own life in retaliation over what? Other people's shortcomings and such?

What?

You know me.

Even if you just started coming here to read stuff. I am a proud, intelligent black man with so much to live for. What on earth could put such thoughts in my head?

I am a product of my environment.

When I came back to Chicago months ago, I put myself back in the hood. Now I have volunteered at food pantries, registered folks to vote and gave many a free show on the hip hop and poetry tip. I love my people and I can't stand seeing us live foul for no apparent reason, but I see that in my travels there is still an element in the Black and Latino community that wants to live foul. And its influence is strong as hell. Some of that lives inside of me.

A couple of days ago I was driving thru the hood from the gig, looking for a spot to get some grub. The company car has tinted windows, so I'm in the cut. It was then, me rolling thru the weed spots, hustleman's haven and the infamous 'Carter' (ala new Jack City) that I realized that even though gentrification was at an all time high in spots that used to be straight gully, the hood still exists. Hood mentality still exists. That shit is marketed on BET on the freaking regular, and I don't watch BET (I gave up on TV recently... I'll buy Heroes on DVD in March 08') and again I say, the hood influence to regulate via violence is very, very heavy.

I don't want to leave the hood, but when you have only yourself to fend for and nothing to lose, you do incredible shit. I am a product of the ghetto and I love being right in the middle of it. Something about the projects and the mini-barrio that calls me to stay and be with my own kind.

I want to do incredible things, but I want to do them and live in the reciprocation of the actions and emotions I have and act upon, meaning I need more to live for in order for me to live.

And then, all of a sudden she pops up out of nowhere and offers one reason.

And in a whirlwind of conversation, hanging out and riding an incredible vibration of emotion and realizing the power of intent and purpose I find out that i have much more to live for. More than I have ever given thought to. Simple actions, complex conversation and time spent gives me hope that I won't be overcome with the hood mentality to act without thinking, knee deep in emotion caused by foolishness.

My inner nigger was built on shame and illicit behavior. It has been fed all things illegal and immoral and told that if I was wronged or shamed that I should snuff out said shame by taking that person's life with no remorse.

But what if you create or have created life?

How quick would you be to end someone else's? With the exception of killing to defend you and yours, what kind of influence would you want to have for your own seed? What experiences would you want them to have in growing up in this cold cruel world? What in the hell were all of them student loans for in the first damn place?

What have I learned and what do I want to contribute to this big blue marble other than rhyme or two? How will my legacy be remembered?

I learned that folks that come in peace and leave you in pieces aren't worth you giving them thought further than the time you cried for help and a spiritual bandage while you were in pain. When that subsides... The best revenge is living well.

And creating life beyond your own... And cultivating that. I am a man of distinction, positive influence and of the spirit of the Most High. I need to get back to the essence in order to live as such. I am not the man my thoughts and unprocessed emotions want me to be.

I am who I am. Son of the Great I Am.

As far as my inner thug?

Fuck that nigger.

One Last Thing Before I Go...

I know it's been a while since I've put something of substance up here, and for that I apologize. I keep going thru these changes for the better...

I just got back from a place yesterday where I could be me. I found a place where I wasn't looked down upon, secretly despised or admonished for being myself and I do plan on moving there. Trucking industry be dammed, when you find a place where you know you're supposed to be you just go, and that I will.

I thought about where I am in life and what I've done to get here. I have no regrets in anything I've done in getting to where I am. It's sad because there a some that feel totally responsible for the direction of your soul and demand payment in you being miserable with them when that is not the case. Thing is, I had a full and complete life before them and will after them as well. One cannot claim to give a damn in one's face and condemn them with their other circle of friends because one never knows exactly who I know and in what capacity.

Funny how text message and voicemail intercepts as well as impromptu run-ins with degree separated friends thru friends happen that change the way you see certain people that know the friend of the friend...

Funny how you can exhaust the possibilities in the attempt to be brother to some and have them spit in your face and spite all efforts to keep them safe from harm when they go right back into the eye of the storm.

Funny how the ones that call you brother can also ride with you, robbing you of your spirit and giving the enemy a play by play of your most private thoughts, dreams and desires in an attempt to make you the fool. And for what? What have I ever done to any of these people but try to be a friend, brother or confidant?

Misery indeed loves company.

Even thought I try hard to remain positive and continue to be me, there are some will call you friend and even gain the closeness of a friendship and my trust who will hock the biggest loogie right in my eye in the midst of casual conversation.


Normally I would have some sort of 'fuck you' rant at the ready, but the best action in these cases with the 3 to 5 folks that had my trust is inaction.

I vowed a long time ago to not be violent or vindictive in my approach to folks that cross me because I was a violent teenager and then had a violent first real job in the Army. I know of my ability to destroy physically, and I've grown in my ability to launch a verbal assault in expression of what sits in my soul so harsh and evil that one would be ready to burn off their own skin due to my narratives about such an untrusted bag of flesh.

But I won't go there.

I found a place... Found a person... Found and re-found family... Rediscovered true friends that have made me fall in love with myself and fall in love with the possibilities of what life can truly bring when you can appreciate all things free of distress and be appreciated.

So I pack my bags and change direction to this new place.

And do nothing to recall those that never wanted to see me live in the midst of love.

I'll get back on my blogging horse now that I got that off. Peace y'all. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Small

Small ass plane...

Away...

I am in the middle of enjoying the best weekend I've had in over a decade and a half.

It was hell getting out out of Chicago...
I'tll be easier getting back...

I wish I could just stay here.




Wherever here is.

And this ain't even vacation y'all.

Not Yet Free

There was once a time most recently where I woke up and found myself full of holes. I saw maggots and worms crawling thru me and I smelled like death had ravaged me but I was still alive. I looked around and saw my skin all over the place. I also saw the gristle of my cartilage and ligaments and immediately knew that I was harvested to erect everything around me, but I had not drawn these blueprints...





I was in the terminal a couple of months ago when I got a phone call. It was a representative of the company I work for now. She was trying to sell me on the company but she already had my mouth agape at hello. I had left Houston with my last few dollars and had no immediate plans. I did contact a few people about getting back on the road but not them. It seems that scavengers exist in the recruiting industry. I should have known that seeing that I was once an executive search shark myself in a past life.





I woke up a few nights ago and I was sore. It seems that where there were once holes and ripped flesh was newer, regenerated parts that seemed to have grown out of nowhere. I smoked cigarettes back in my old army days and I remember the 3 month mark after I quit. It was the only physical fitness test I damn near maxed and it was due to me healing because I quit. I then remembered how lethargic I was when I was smoking. I had that same thought on how I was when I was totally outside my element. I was sick. I was depressed. I was limited in how and what I did because you take on the characteristics or better yet you are a product of your environment.





My mother told me how sick it made her during my time of exile. She revealed that she had died a little bit because her life is her children. We may have disagreed on many things, but she is one of my many anchors that I released and she damn near sunk due to non-contact. That will never happen again.





I took a deep breath a couple of days ago and realized that the air from being on the open road has evicted the phlegm and mucous that flooded my lungs when I was living down south. I also noticed that the pills I ran out of to control blood pressure were no longer needed. I also noticed that I was at least 30 pounds lighter and my complexion, well, I guess I look a little better minus that scar...



Why do some of you exist in adversity when you don't have to? Why must some of you have/want/need drama in order to be fruitful? What ever happened to love just being all you needed to get by? I observed the whole Jena 6 ordeal and to be honest, it took the movement to get viral 18 months after the fact in order to get justice? Blah... Some of you who supported and went down to Louisiana have no clue. What happens to the residents and brown folk after the crowds left after all the people leave? Did you ever wonder why things went down the way they did?



Think for a minute.



Sometimes it's all about opportunity over everything else.



Ever think that the DA and the judge just didn't want them little nigger boys to take over the mill so his son or daughter could? Ever think that with multiple felony counts those young men would have to continue struggling? To me, that's attempted murder on behalf of the powers that be. Now what will you do seeing as over sixty thousand people 'marched' (or just took opportunity) and the courtroom was still closed and that young brother is still in jail?



Wonder why the families that live in and around Jena never stepped forward?



I applaud the bloggers, texters, emailers and campus revolutionaries that did their thing to put forth the effort, but all that money, time and effort went on deaf ears. And CNN and Fox News still can't report that shit right...



Wonder why?



Some of us have not taken control of our souls.



I saw that parts of me were harvested to help others build their villages of misery and none of it ever benefited me. The day I'm not a negro, nigger or nigga from the mouths and minds of my own is the day we can really call for justice. The day my sisters stop calling themselves bitches or hoes while being offended when someone outside the sister circle calls em' that is when certain freedoms begin.

The day we see ourselves as family and quit the bickering and hating amongst ourselves is the day we can all get free.

All I did was take myself and remove the bullshit.

People

Products

Geographic Location

Thoughts

The day I totally wane myself off of other things external is the day I'll have no qualms about dying. It's the reason that I live. It took a lot of effort and convincing of self for me to force myself into living and loving myself first. If I ain't free, then everything else around shall burn and fall like a sinking, burning ship at sea.

I've replaced lots of hate with simple love.

And lots of water, cause it lubricates. Drink a little with me, it helps the flow. I ain't better than anyone believe you me, I just wanna be free. I do need some company in my endeavors though. I know a lot of us are trying... Hard, ain't it?

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way Here

Most of you know that I experienced what I consider to be the worst time of my life recently and decided to come 'home' and get back to the essence of what made me me in the first place.

Most of you know that I chose to get back into the trucking industry.

I indicated recently that I regained control of the name I chose for myself back in 2000 after dealing with the IRS and the Social Security Administration.

I've also let you guys know that I am at my happiest RIGHT NOW and I'm not letting anyone steal my joy.

It's been hard to blog seeing that there are some things I don't want people knowing about. Nothing big because I share A HELL OF A LOT when it comes to me, but some things just need to be behind closed doors.

There are some people, situations and places that suck the joy out of your ass. A few things have really made me not want to blog anymore, but I'm not letting that stop me.

I recently had an incident on the road that made me realize that some things are much too important and I have re-prioritized a few things since that time.

I'm cool, I just need to find what place the internet has in my life right now.

Gimme a minute and we'll see how things go with a little bit of sleep and a whole lot of peace.

What's My name?

I fell in love a long time ago.

I knew that I would make a jump into things sooner or later, all I needed to do was to hold onto myself and finally admit that I was ready.

I still had to be told though, and that's not a bad thing.

I gave thought about naming kids and the difficulty something like having my name has these days... And then I remembered that my grandmother named me 'Hansel'.

Like Hansel and Gretel.

A little black boy named after an eastern European character out of folklore.

Shit.

My kids shouldn't have a problem with the family name... Except for them kids wanting to be Gotti and Gambino. Why a kid never wanted to be Amin or Mustafa still puzzles me. I never heard a little boy back in the day admit to wanting to be Chaka Zulu.

And that African was dope.

I digress... It came time for me to realize how much I needed to bridge the gap. Knowing that I'm going into my 40's in this reality just didn't feel real. I wrestled with the thought of going it alone as I always have and then I remembered the piece I wrote a minute ago in tribute to a woman in purple that totally blitzed my senses and made me think of redefinition because of how she triumphed over adversity and made her life a thing of quality... And how I fell in love with that:

We move within silence not knowing if that motion is directed towards completion.

To me silence replaces distance, so I make noise as to keep unspoken feelings audible.


If I can hear, then I know that you're close.

It comforts me knowing that your emotions are within arms reach.


I hope that actions mean completion of us.

I pray that distance only means that we'll be together in the meantime and that we can grow out of individual space.


In time.


The clicking that interrupts white noise is me eagerly responding to you.

At times I'm afraid to pick up the phone, during others I become a coward, withdraw and anticipate you typing.

I get short of breath.

Silence broken ushers curious gladness. Reconnected via wrists and fingertips helps smooth quiet loneliness out. It replaces conversation, but only in a season. I write in silence only to break it with a yearning thought.

I read aloud to exercise the power of the written word into spoken.

Words have the power of life and death.

I view pictures with hopes of recall enhancing our face to face. Every now and then I check my pocket to make sure I have enough to bring that thing together.

I can't swallow.

That thought so tense. That thing is time. Things happen in due time. Timing is everything, it's special that I might want to dedicate said time for a long time.

We move within silence not knowing if that motion is directed towards completion, but we want it to.

We want it to, right?
MOTION, TIME - 2006 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo, ya dig?

I remember when I wrote that and when I sent it via email. It was the first time I didn't go and grab stationary and do the ditty by hand. The thought and intent was the same and I felt good in hitting the enter/return key.

I knew it was to be, I just had to give into the feeling and feel comfortable in being me. Could i still be me and live this way? After a few sleepless nights and thoughts of going without I knew that this is the way it has to be, and I like the answers the Creator gave me on making such a move.

Once long ago he took it away, and now in this new opportunity I get it back. With interest.

I get to have my name, the one I chose and I get to live with it until I become someone else. It may take a handful of decades to want to part with what is rightfully mine.

My name is Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo and I am the rightful owner of my very own name. After years of deliberation and the IRS hovering over me and the government wondering why I want my name to sound like the newest threat to America, I have what I gravitated to which is the name I chose.

I just got married y'all. Married to change and progress. Forever connected to the concept that I am who I say I am the the idea of freedom of choice. And now I legally assume my family name and am able to wear it proudly among my people.

And chuckle at how they try to pronounce it.

Go ahead... Say my name.

Where's Waldo?

I am alive and well...


Chilling...


Prepping for the wedding.


More to come later...

Where In The World Is Hassan?

Trust me when I tell you that there is a reason that I haven't been here.

A good reason.

You just have to wait for me to share.

Trust me it's good and juicy.

I am an irresponsible child right now...

I have no idea what to blog about.



Been that way for about a week or so. Nothing to do with death or such, I'm just having a damn good time in getting back to the Chi and adjusting to the new job.

And my friends

And life in the big city

And eating right

And family


Things are exactly the way I'd like them to be right now. It's been a while since I've smiled inside and felt like things are the ways they should be. There are always events, places and people that affect the state of where i am in life and of course since I've been back a few things have happened that has had impact on what I like to call 'the whole Hassan'.



Of course there was the death of my aunt. Don't trip, it has had a positive effect on the whole Hassan. To me, death is expected and a part of the process so I don't get all out of sorts when it happens. Even if that person is close. hey, you die. Get over the fact that you might be old or diseased to the point where your life force ends... You never had control of it anyway so do what you gotta while you have the chance.



Moms and me are friends again. I'm even getting her to Dallas to hang out with my sis at the end of next month. She's been trippin ever since my lil sister and her fam moved to Texas.



I have my camera with me on the job but I've been keeping the experience to myself mostly. I am once again driving an 18 wheeler for a major transportation company and things are good. I am no longer an over-the-road driver going anywhere the wind blows, I drive the entire midwest region. I still get a chance to be on the open road with myself and my thoughts and that is the part of the he job that I love. There is nothing like being out there with nature, just the two of us... That's all I ever wanted. I mostly yell old school rap lyrics at the top of my voice (I am an XM 65 - The Rhyme head), drink protein shakes all damn day and take in the beauty of middle America and get paid for doing it while driving a trailer full of cereal or something. i should have been a truck driver years ago.



No boss over your shoulder...



I am hung over today. I attended the 'Rock The Bells' concert series yesterday

Talib Kweli
Jedi Mind Tricks
Immortal Technique
Slum Village
Pharoahe Monch
Nas
Wu-Tang Clan

That lineup says enough about how I feel right now.


ADVICE: All men over 35 should not mosh, stage dive or mindlessly yell out song lyrics in unison in packs with other men over the age of 35. Soreness, loss of voice and pains from over consumption of alcoholic beverages will occur.




I need a few days to recoup from the concert. I also need a few days to get back into a blogging swing, that's if I'm really feeling the urge to blog because right now... I'm just enjoying being free.

Oh, and Nat... Sister I read it. And I will do it... in a few days. I was just in the D a few days ago gathering info on the new stage show on Marvin Gaye. His sister is a treasure of information and style.

Peace y'all. be easy.

Family Bonds (and not Barry either)

Yesterday we buried my aunt. We don't mourn death in my family, we celebrate life, so after the ceremony and burial we dashed over to her home, broke out the grub and a little adult beverage (for those that partake in such a thing) and the elders formed a sister circle in the backyard as they always do, overseeing and mediating. All we needed was Maya Angelou and it would have been a scene out of 'Poetic Justice'.



A lot of people outside of the family don't know that she was legal guardian for my older brother and I for a quick minute back in the day when moms was doing her college thing. Many summer days were spent horsing around in her yard and sleeping in that basement... The memories are still sharp and crisp, it's the people that keep changing around me. That I'll never get used to



It was good to see damn near my entire bloodline all in one place. Kind of scary, not because of death but to see that much family in one place... If anyone wanted to end the bloodline all they had to do was bomb my aunt Barbara's house. There is a certified, real-life celeb or two in this family, thank the lawd we ain't got no stalkers, haters or paparazzi... We still think of certain folks as 'Big-Head', 'Fluffy' and 'Blondie' round these parts.



There was once eleven sisters and brothers that made up the original Harris clan out of Mississippi, now there are three. That is devastating to think about. One thing that has shone thru is out of all of the cigarette smoking, Cutty Sark drinking, fine haberdashery ladened suits and hand sewn evening gowns, hair that was fried, died and laid to the side, and all those verses of 'Straighten Up And Fly Right' sung folk that made up the Harris, Bluester, Poindexter and Williams folk... There was a lot of baby making over the years, and we were (literally) in the house. In mass numbers.


89% of family showing up ain't bad.



All three of the remaining aunts were outside in their sister's backyard. The music was bumping, the kids were playing, and us middle to old age folk were talking, catching up and exchanging numbers, taking photos and such (I got you on the pix later this week, y'all) and then my great aunt Ophelia spoke.



She got in our asses a little about the older folk having kids that don't even know each other. She put it on us to carry on family tradition and even went as far as to assign new officers in the family council. See, my aunts and uncles, grandmother, cousins and such had assignments. There was/is a family treasurer and an organizer. There is/was a medical officer (I swear there is the same setup in the Nation Of Islam!) and such. Anywho, she demanded in the sweetest way to do all of the things they did back in the day that made our family great and very large. This also kept us dependent on each other in the best way. She also requested that family that lived out of town get back to a central point on a more than regular basis and to do so not just when someone graduates or gets married. The kids these days shoot up too much in a short period of time and some of us haven't met each other so how can we recognize them?



My great aunt Ann also requested that we all exchange telephone numbers, home addresses and email info and cousin Eunice also requested a text message class for the old schoolers that have no clue on the IM/texting thing. Cousin Billy explained that it's hard to keep up with sprouting kids and photos and emails will be sent to chronicle the growth of family abroad. Cousin Johnathan suggested that every family member introduce or reintroduce themselves and the family and so upon close from the elders, we did. Most of us either grew up, hung out or spent many a holiday with each other but there was that 15% we've either never seen or never been introduced to so we spent the next 3 to 4 hours telling out immediate family stories, introducing or reintroducing ourselves and taking a gang of family photos in an effort to get our exchange on.



My cousins Ebony and Delecta have been secretly planning the next family reunion and everyone at my aunt Barbara's house yesterday has pledged on to contribute and be present and accounted for. In my immediate family's introduction, I was proud to represent my sisters Robbie and Heather and my older brother Herch (Robbie passed away-she would have been 40 a couple of days back and sis and big bruh could not make it). I also presented my younger brother Alonzo and his wife to the family and he told his family story (his twins are very popular amongst the emailing family members).



I was amazed and astounded with the love that we shared yesterday. I also got a chance to reacquaint myself with a few cousins I haven seen since high school and I got a chance to meet a few cousins twice removed that I never knew. I also took that moment to bury any anger and resentment I had about the situation(s) had with my mother over the past couple of years and in mere moments we were fine and back to normal shortly after the elders spoke.



We were also advised to inform the elder council when times got rough for us individually. Some folks have a little too much pride and cannot be helped if they never come to family which creates a bigger problem, so there was also private council for some and prayer for others. Family must help family and that new council established yesterday will carry on our strong family heritage of doing for each other in any way possible. I just wish this could have been done years ago because there has need a lot of separation in my generation based on lies, gossip and innuendo. Some of us thought that it was a little too personal back a few years ago and tried to break free only to disrupt the family bond. I'm sure folks long passed would have been pleased with what has happened and I'm glad I got my mommy back as well.


That's right, I said it. That's what we call her. So what I'm damn near 40.



Feels good to have family. We don't just pass by on the holidays, we build each other up round the clock all over the calender. We're all we got, might as well make it strong for the times we get weak. It was good to reaffirm family yesterday. I hope you have a strong unit 100's strong as well.



I'm back on the road y'all...



Be easy.

I'm Here! Now What Do I do?

I knew I was supposed to be here in some capacity.

I thought my father needed me, he may not to the extent I would like to think so but others will somehow.

Today I lost my aunt.

I used to spend many o' summer at her home in Indiana. She lost her husband, my uncle Henry a few years back and she hasn't been the same since. Sometime earlier this year her health deteriorated and she just couldn't hold on. She died in her home quietly around her children and a few of the church family.

I am pleased that she went out like that. I hope to die like that when it's my time.

I am in Chicago as a guest of the new company I work for, staying at a hotel near the second, smaller airport. I made way after processing benefit paperwork and such to hook up with my brother and made my way out to the house.

My mother was there.

We talked. It wasn't normal but we shared a conversation and functioned like human beings. If you don't know, I haven't spoken to my mother since this time last year.

And you wonder why The Creator puts you in certain places, huh?

Some folks think too much about where they're supposed to be or if someone or somethings by someone should be done or not done but I say just go where you think you're called and maybe just maybe... You're probably supposed to be there.

Even if you don't know the reason.

If you haven't been home in a while, go home. If you haven't seen someone in a hot minute, go and see them. If you feel that you're not supposed to be someplace, get the hell out of there. Just go where your heart calls you. It may hurt someone or jeopardize some things you think are supposed to be for you.

my heart told me to be where I am right now. All I could do is take the little pennies I had and get my ass back to Chicago. I knew someone needed to at least see me, and it was my mother of all people. I love her but honestly can't stand to be where she is most of the time because she does not address me as an adult. Some things you just have to tuck away or put to the side and just extend yourself in some capacity. I knew all of my family needed me, including my mother.

It's going to be one hell of a weekend, but that's what I came here for. I called it last week, I tell ya...

I gotta spend time with my loved ones and catch up with them distant cousins. And re-establish that missing connection with my mother.

And get my dad a suckling pig... And some wood chips.

Seldom Traveled... Rarely Experienced

Freedom is a road seldom traveled by the multitude.


I remember that from P.E.'s classic joint "Show Em What You Got". Of course I don't feel free but I remember feeling what free was a little while ago when I was able to come and go as I please into cities unknown and performed in front of people that did not know me so I had no inside edge.

I miss being free.

I remember getting off of airplanes and walking with my head up high the the airport, people thinking I was someone, but not knowing if I was really someone. That confident strut of a level two tech support agent, or postal equipment operator of entry level college recruiter I really was manifesting itself into something unspoken but important. To someone else. It was just the strut I tell you.

But I strutted because I was free.

I now stand at the cusp of old freedoms reborn. I sit at an overused desk in a hotel room about to embark on yet another career opportunity, and it has nothing to do with rocking the microphone or speaking over a dope hand-slapped drum beat. But it does have something to do with seeing and doing new things in different places almost daily.

Hey you... Find out what your freedoms are and bring that beat back...

Remember that "BRING THAT BEAT BACK, MAN... BRING THAT BEAT BACK!!!" ?

Flav told me to show em... So I guess I gotta.

Time to get free again.

Post 351 - A Holding Pattern?

This is the last time I'll post while here in Houston. By the time the weekend gets here I'll be in Chicago. I was supposed to take a position with a Dallas based company but things didn't feel right and after a few phone calls and a talk with a safety manager, things were indeed wrong.

So I'm head back to the Chi.

I really didn't like Houston.

I'm not complaining, and there are so many wonderful things about Houston like my roommates and friends made here. They made me feel comfortable and accommodated me to the point where my gratitude doesn't measure as to who they are and what they did.

For letting me be me all up in yours... I thank you.

I did base my decision to come to Houston using logic and not emotion and that might have rubbed some the wrong way so me leaving serves multiple purposes and everybody ends up happy in the long run.

Being here didn't do it for me, plain and simple. I'm not blaming locale or people for me not feeling life on the outskirts of the bayou, but... I'm a city guy. I'm a sports fan. I'm a bar hopper. I'm a 24 hour diner... Diner. Not that I miss Chicago that much but I miss the big city. Atlanta, DC, NYC or even LA for that matter would probably do it for this 3am pancake eating, sportscenter watching wi-fi jacking insomniac but I'd prefer to go to where my father is and at least open a door to my mother and do all of those things that make me happy.

Like create stuff.

And sit in Al's basement recording the never ending rap album.

And politic with Ryan O about the spirituality of Hip Hop.

And convince my dad to NOT dig a hole in the back yard and roast a suckling pig.

And ride the train. Anywhere.

And hit the lakefront in the evening and just chill.

There's other stuff, but I think after a couple of weeks of doing Chicago stuff I'll be ready to hit the road and use the highways and byways to inspire me to continue to create.

You see, even though I have a love/hate relationship with Chicago there is something there that still sparks my passion. I have connected with my dad and I feel the need to be closer physically to him because I want to show him my finished literary work because he told me a long time ago to write because it helps express what can't be spoken. I want to prove to him that I have the talent he bragged about over many o' beer with his brothers and compadres.

This place is currently the center of the Hip Hop universe, even though most artist out of the Chi are cutthroat and are the snippiest crabs in a barrel. Kanye, Common, Lupe, Brat, Do Or Die, Rhymefest and others all had to go away from the Chi in order to make it, but the hungry emcee, DJ, graf cat and breaker still use the streets to hone their skills.

I'm going back home y'all... I gotta make it happen.

More to come in a moment... After I get settled.

And it don't stop

Post 350 - Holding Pattern

After I promised a good friend that I'd post a couple of written pieces and a spoken word joint I found that time was working against me and I didn't post them. In an effort to actually have something to blog about, I will attempt to do just that in the upcoming days.

I hope.

I'm a couple of days away from getting my travel on so posting is not really on the radar. To be honest, I've given thought (once again) of shutting down operations for a while, possibly altogether.

I've learned from the people closest to me that the things that either come from my mind or my mouth have only been taken at face value. Upon further review it seems that no one can really remember what I said for the most part, meaning I've been wasting air speaking on things. So imagine what the rest of the world is doing when I speak?

You guessed it, absolutely nothing. Not that I expected anyone outside of my five was paying attention anyway. So what am I doing this for?

(crickets)

Exactly.

We all know that the world moves on without our ass. That our opinions and views are not really taken as serious as they appear in our minds. There will always be violence, racism and us killing folks that look like us, so what am I doing to combat that those processes in the grand scheme of things? Nothing really. I'm just like everybody else. I talk about how certain shit grinds my gears and it goes out into the universe relatively unheard.

But it has to pass the folks we 'know' first... Right? Do any of your people sang a little of your shit and hold onto it for review... Nah, because everybody usually has their own shit to deal with and that's important to them just as your shit is important to you. And that means you blow a lot of hot air (or burn your fingers typing unnecessary shit) and you don't really have to.

Now I don't have a problem with that and I certainly don't have a problem with those that stop by and chop game with my ass and info share, exchange ideas and big up the movement, what I tire of is how folks can stand right in front of you, or listen to you, or see or read you, nod their heads in agreement and then let that shit roll out of their other ear like nothing, knowing there will be a pop quiz shortly just to see if you really were paying attention.

So I've decided to enter a holding pattern of sorts to see if blogging is something I want to continue to do. If I have the time, I'll put up my works so you can check them out but I must say that seeing as I need to get back on the road and do my thing, my focus has to shift to that as well. That is where my head is at right now.

I am not the town crier, I am not a talking head. I'm not really a "blogger" in the sense of how bloggers relate their spin on politics and such to the masses, I am an artist who enjoys being in the midst of creation. I haven't been in that realm for the past couple of months, it's time to place myself back in that neighborhood and finish what I started. Than means getting home and putting my focus on what matters, that art y'all are voting for over there.

Happy born day Nikki... I wish you heaven.

Peace Y'all

Where Did Our Balls Go?

There. I put it here.

I wasn't going to comment much on this, in my mind I saw Serena doing what a lot of women in sports and entertainment do and while I do have an opinion on that I figured it's what 'they' do for whatever reason. Empowerment, influence, resume purposes, proof of sexiness/marketability, whatever. She's grown and she can do whatever she chooses, right?

I guess not.

It seems that African-American women cannot do what they please without asking certain caucasian folk for the proper permissions. People that look like me haven't carried freedom papers for a couple hundred years.

I thought I should mention that.

So I roam across the internet and see shit like "Serena Goes Ape" and "She's A Man, Baby" as article headlines. I guess the racist and insulting headers are supposed to be a message to the rest of folks that look like us. Now hey, I ain't one to get all up in yours about your opinion, but how many times must I keep reading about how fat or too muscular Serena is. She is an athlete and a pretty good one at that. She had conditioning issues like many athlete regardless of color but it seems that a lot of folk in white America and beyond resent folks like her, sister Venus and cats like Barry Bonds. It ain't the body type or the willingness to speak to the press, it's the fact that someone outside of your comfort level as far as race is concerned is dominating and it burns your ass.

When certain folks get the chance you know we'll hear about it... Right?

I know my sports history like many other sports buffs and I respect all of those that have come from wherever to set the bar and create standards that take decades sometimes to touch, but even I know that all records are meant to be broken. One day someone will come along with a skill level that will surpass all others. Same goes for science, entertainment and humanities or whatever. I believe the Creator doesn't discriminate about giving certain skills to random folks.

I recognize that and was taught to respect that and those that set the standards and those that come along and raise the bar. That obviously isn't taught on the other side of the tracks. I am also offended to the highest degree that I must overlook race and background when I recognize things like that. The double standard has never been tolerable over here in these parts.

Barry Bonds was hitting homers waaay before his hat size grew exponentially. More than 400 before he 'grew' at that. Never in my life have I heard the term 'cheater' used like this. There have been reports based on science that clearly state that performance enhancing drugs have no real bearing on the hand/eye skills necessary to hit a pitch from 60 feet coming damn near 100 miles per hour with a thin stick. What steroids does is cause regeneration, which could explain how Barry is 43 and still at the top of his game, but up until 2004 steroids were perfectly legal in major league baseball, and since his indictment in 2003, Bonds has tested clean in random surprise testing. I never saw anyone, including the commissioner of baseball (who points at Bonds as the reason people hate baseball) mentioning anything about steroids when all them homers were being hit a few years ago. Bonds has been tested vigorously since the federal indictment and dude is still the same size and has the same skill. I'm not saying he never took em', but...

Find another reason to hate this dude. You can't punish someone for something they did back in the day, especially when it was both allowed and ignored.

Whether you like Serena's style or look is up to you. From the look of that picture up there I do not see a fat, out of shape woman. I also see a champion. Some may like a woman with more musculature... It's up to you family. The thing I'm seeing is that racism is becoming much more blatant today than in latter years. Hateration based on race is more elevated than ever in 2007, and as a black man am I supposed to just look the other way when very commercialized companies, media outlets and their related com padres use derogatory and defaming narratives to describe a few of my people and still give my dollar? My time? My accolades?

Hell to the mutherfucking naw.

I'm more offended about how America is taking the Micheal Vick case in more than ever. When he was running around trying to avoid 300 pound lineman he was described as "the greatest show on turf". Now that he has been accused of harboring criminals by owning property, providing finances to said criminals and possibly attending dogfights and assisting in the termination of fighting canines it seems that certain folks are 'despised'. I got a chance to flip channels and see Nancy Grace, Anderson Cooper and folks of the like and the callers from the heartland of America really told us what they thought.

But Lindsey Lohan get a pass because of tremendous pressure. Oh, and that Baldwin cat still gets work after 9 rehab stints... Riiiight. Back in 1994 a drunk driver killed my friend but it's cool for starlets to drive under the influence... She was the shit in The Parent Trap!

Shiiiiiit.

The term 'monkey' to name one as wall as 'ape' and other wonder narratives were used in columns, blogs, responses and phone calls to TV shows to describe ol' Ron Mexico. What ever happened to innocent til proven guilty? Now even I know that a federal indictment is a hard one to shake (especially with a 95% conviction rate), but how does Michael Vick become public enemy number one banned from work when he's only been accused?

How much longer must I flip past the CNNs of the world and see the featured missing white woman of the week and hear absolutely nothing about my sisters? Has our value diminished that much to society in 2007 that we don't get equal play?

Why is it when a brown skinned person hits the headlines that person becomes a pariah? Will we ever hear anything about Tim Donaghy and how much of a cheating, lying bastard he is? Why is he getting a pass in the press? He did ref that pivotal game 3 in the West playoffs this year...

Did Scooter Libby just walk free?

Why are we just letting this double standard go on?
What ever happened to our standards?
Where are the balls in the African America community?

My people have been neutered and then pacified with cheap jewelry, alcohol and fake soothsayers that stole our drum. As much as I hate that we are still targeted I am still amazed that we are so silent and just go with the status quo.

I'm starting to believe what some of them say about us, being lazy and all. Sad thing is not many will agree in public with these words. I'm 3 weeks from calling the movement dead.


Prove me wrong.

Preventive Medicine

I'm well, getting rest and packing and readying myself for the road which comes in a few short weeks. I'm looking forward to getting back out. Nothing else is happening with the exception of me possibly hooking up on a few short term assignments to gain a little loot before I hit the roadways. I haven't come close to piecing together a thousand words like I did last week. Oh well. I have gotten a chance to sit in the quiet with the TV off and unplugged from the internet and that's always been a good thing but after watching TV last night, I realized one certain thing about myself:

I am in my late thirties and am diabetic, and this has become both a personal and political issue.

For everyone.

Now I do not 'suffer' from this disease because I do everything in my power to function well, nuff said. I took the time last night to watch the YouTube/CNN you askem' Democratic debates and I tell you, I was overwhelmed after watching and taking notes during the replay later that night.

33 percent of all Medicaid, medicare and disability claims in the last decade and a half were diabetes related. After further research I found that the number is higher, Anderson Cooper, a few of the candidates and a whole lot of the civilian question askers confirmed that 33% statistic and that scared the shit out of me.

There were more questions asked of these candidates about health care than war, partisan politics or the economy. I've always wanted to say this since I arrived here, "Houston, we've got a problem." One of the reasons that I wanted to bail from Big Oil was the fact that they did not offer health benefits as a part of my package, and with the great state of Texas as a right to work state, and no one has to offer healthcare and that scares me because purchasing the proper coverages has been some of the most difficult murk I've waded through since being down here. I really didn't have that problem in Utah or Illinois, but it ain't where you're from...

It seems that less than 20 percent of us here working legally in the US have the proper health care benefits we need for ourselves and our families and I ain't talking bout' my ass going to the VA (and I do) or the free clinic (is there still a free clinic?). KRS One said something pretty profound a decade or so ago:

"See we don't need nothing else... But health, wealth and knowledge of self!"

As a man of Afrikan descent, most of my people are lacking on all three. As an American, the health and wealth part is really lacking something serious. I need to ask you, how are you planning to retire and how will you get coverages in the coming years, especially when you know you need it? The pharmaceutical companies are banking doo doo dollars, the health care systems have more than enough loot in the booty to function for the next 300 years and hospital systems have mostly went private and can exclude sick folk (nee: BROKE) at will.

My question to you on this Tuesday is not what should Hillary, Edwards, Barack or Biden should do, it is simply this:

What are you doing NOW to have the coverages you need?
What contingency plan do you have for the shortage of social security benefits?
What plans do you have RIGHT NOW to take care of you if Alzheimer's or a debilitating stroke sets in?
What equity, investments and property are you banking on to pay the bills (if and) when you stop working?
Have you even given thought to that moment in time when you need the fruits of your labor?


And I'm talking right now. I have my plans... I am looking right now to invest in a few foreclosed properties (taxes) in Chicago to sublet out to build my net worth and have equity for my hair brained schemes. The change of employer is for me to afford better health care and purchase real property so I can fall back on this twenty/thirty years from now. I also am taking herbs and gravitating more towards a vegan lifestyle in order to live and function longer and stronger in my later years. I still go to the VA for preventive maintenance health wise. I have to, it's me dammit and I like my ass (and the rest of me too). From tax lien certificates, to herbalism, I have a plan to be well in more ways than one whenever my golden years reaches me, lord willing.

What in the hell do you plan to do?

Post 346: Progress

So yesterday started out good, it got even better by the time I hit the hay:

I accomplished 1000 words by 3pm.

I always wanted to do that but didn't have the nuts to stay in one place long enough. It's not that I don't have the discipline... I just thought that I was talented enough to get it done one day. I need at least 20 more days like yesterday in my arsenal to become a respected published author. Here's to more days where I grow enough balls to not eat, drink or surf/watch TV enough to care about my future and stroke some keys.

I held my job with SOPUS in high regard.

I got a call late evening that the initial offer I suggested Monday afternoon was not only rejected but my contract as a whole was scrapped. I am no longer an employee of Big Oil. Seems that the direction I wanted to travel in didn't go over well with upper management. I did let them know that I was to bail if my proposal didn't work out, so...

I get an opportunity to leave Texas earlier than expected and with my dignity. There is a way to tear up an unwanted contract, thank the lord!

This leaves me free to become a contractor again, but not broke. I got a few things to do today that'll keep a few bux in my pocket. It's a matter of timing and availability. I now have both in abundance. Plus, my trainer wanted me for 4 days the next few weeks and I didn't have that.

I did make a couple of calls to Chicago to let a couple of prospect/candidates know my services were available.

I got/left email with them cats in the Chi and looks like I'll have a handful of copies of their new album to place in a few mom and pop establishments here in Houston.

Funny how a few days changes one's perspective and outlook on things. I feared that I would be here in Texas beyond August, and that though scared me.

Looks like I'll do the blog thing Tuesdays and Thursdays from this point on.

Doors To Enter, Gates To Open

Most of you 'know' me:

My name is Hassan.

I am in my mid to late thirties.

I currently reside in Houston, Texas.

I work for SOPUS here in Houston.

Don't know? Look it up.

Mine is an important job.

I have a meeting today with my boss Michelle and a phone call with a man named Mike that will determine the rest of my life.

Seriously.

I am a writer.

I will also mention separately that I am a poet.

I thought I finished my opus "100 Shades Of Indigo" until it was edited and returned to me.

It threw me until recently.

I'm halfway done (again) with that project. I have done little since arriving in Texas to finish it.

I am working on finishing laying vocals and edits on a Hip Hop CD.

I only get sporadic chances to work on my music, my work schedule keeps me away.

I am also working with some cats in Chicago in efforts to distribute their album.

I blog 3 to 5 times a week.

I currently have 3 employers (contracts with two, agreed in principal with one Friday), but only work for one... For now.

I feel misplaced in Texas.

I read a lot of blogs and believe in the contact and community serious blogging brings.

Now comes the swerve...

I will no longer read all the blogs I read now. I will take more time to do what I consider more important things.

"100 Shades" will be finished in a newly agreed time line (says Morris Publishing).

After today, I will only have one employer.

Vocals and edits have now taken priority now that I am in a Pro Tools environment.

By close of business today I will have a Texas exit strategy (beat ya' G Dub!!!)

I will no longer blog 3 to 5 times a week.

I'm glad you come here to visit, but I understand now more than ever that my words (unless their being published and sold) have no merit, so I am submerging myself in activity... Actions to complete what needs to be completed, be where I'm most needed in business and where I want to be in comfort, and also serve a better purpose to myself and others in an effort to be more complete in my life.

I'm making myself whole y'all.

Don't wish me luck or give me accolades. Hell, don't even pray for me. Do nothing but watch me do my thing and nod your head like you know when you do read something here because you do and it makes sense. I'm the same cat, you're just going to see more 'ass and elbow' like mom used to say from a whole lotta' work.

I hope you do the same. It's almost closing time, what are you accomplishing?

Post # 344: Do You Know The Way Home?

So I've been back in Texas since Monday.

I didn't have to go in but I went straight to work from the airport, bags and all that day. My boss had already prepared for my absence by having two floaters on the ready and let me know when I was hanging out in Cincinnati waiting to get on the smallest jet ever.

So I work a partial day Monday and had Tuesday and Wednesday off, making yesterday my 'Monday'. I would have rather worked thru but I do not control my schedule. I'm glad I had those days off because all I could do is sleep off last weeks activities. All I really did was spend time with my brother for most of the week, spend an equal amount of time with my play sister and her son and my real sister and her family who was packing the house and was actually offered a ride back to Texas.

In between that I drove some friends to Wisconsin and went on a shopping excursion there, convinced a few folks to go to the Taste Of Chicago and the African-Caribbean Festival Of Life (both big events to me, went to the Fest twice) and got a chance to hang out (for like 3 days - we hit the lake front, hung out in a dark ass beer garden at odd hours of the night/morning and chilled over chili at his spot) with a close friend I haven't had a chance to hang out with in damn near 2 years. I got a chance to meet his other half and also introduced him to my home girl Millz who is an artist like he is. Here's to hoping that they mash up and do something that hangs in a gallery someday.

I hung out with my Pops Saturday and walked my ass of thru my old neighborhood (even went condo shopping and did a couple of interviews) and spent my Sunday night in my old park until the cops came and asked us to leave. I saw Transformers 3 times and probably slept that whole week between the hours of 4 to 7 am, so When I got back to Houston all I could do Tuesday and Wednesday was crash and regroup. And think about my place in the grand scheme of things.

You all know what towing the line or maintaining the status quo is, right?

Well, when I got back and got into the swing of things here in Texas the line hit me in the head and I think someone pinned the stat quo sign on me like back in the seventh grade. I realize that I'm being tolerated here and if I weren't already embedded in different ways, shapes and forms in Houston, it would have been expected for me to stay in Chicago. When I got back to work, folks were all smiles and conversational just like my boss said they'd be because she spoke with the fools that have beef with me during my absence.

All other aspects of being here is definitely folks and myself maintaining the status quo. And I know that ain't a good thing because it's hurting people. I am waiting for that moment where shit just builds up and the explosion of exclusion happens, so I prep for it by quietly throwing away unnecessary things and streamlining my belongings to make my transition easier. Because I spent a grip on plane tix, rental cars and such, I need to maintain this line for just a little while. Based on looks, non-looks and body language, I don't have much time.

I know that I need to move on in order for other folks to get on with their lives, and me coming back really feels like I took a step back in a sense. My original plan was to get to Chicago and stay there, but the job prospect wanted me to clear a few red tape hurdles effectively killing that plan. My plan on getting 'home' is not dead though. I think I can right all of the wrongs I caused by coming here to Houston in due time.

Things are cool because I have faith in myself to do what's right and be where I'm supposed to be. To quote another blogger:

"But, that's just not the only thing that's got me feeling all complex and tangled and stuff. I got some decisions to make that actually affect my entire circle. Ultimately it's my life but, when you go through life you have to know that your choices affect others. Sometimes its good and other times it is positive. But it affects people.

I realize that sometimes I can get so lost in my own stuff that I let people fall to the wayside. I am so sorry to my family(you know who you are) if you feel like I haven't been there. Or, I am not listening but I am listening. I am here, so I will be looking for the call or email."

That's a Deep In Thought Moment. Take time to get over there and read her when you get a chance. Those 2 paragraphs fit me to a tee today.

So the remaining time I have here in Houston will be dedicated to doing what I think is the right thing, and that is going 'home'. Chicago hasn't been good to me and my family is dysfunctional as hell, but I think it's the right thing to do in going back and being there in the interim. I plan on getting back into a truck (sacrificing rent and house bills to pay for publishing and distribution) late summer/fall and basing myself out of someplace familiar, and Chicago is exactly that. Familiar.

Plus, I get to be close to my dad (we seem to be growing closer, imagine that) and although I have no relationship with my Mother, I hope to get to the day that we can have dialogue. I hate being so far away not being in contact. I won't be mad if something happens while I'm away and we're not talking, we've already made that choice, I would be mad if things aren't handled correctly. So I'd rather do that in life than in sickness and death, ya dig?

I found my mojo in the park on the South Side of Chicago. I pray it's still there waiting on me when I return.

More Chicago Shots

I had to post a few more shots from my 'visit' to Chicago last week. I really enjoyed myself beyond a few family follies. I thought I'd have enough time to do all the things I wanted to and see all of those I wanted to see but no. I tried to do what I could given the time I had.

I really appreciate my city and it's beauty. Take a glance at these shots and remember, you can click on them to make them larger to really get some detail. I'm headed back to the Chi in about a month or so on a few follow ups music-business-wise and of course I got a few interviews to do as well.

Enjoy.

I thought I'd throw in another shot from the Taste Of Chicago... Damn all them people and that heat!

I ran across a few hemp heads lobbying for weed equality and selling some cool ass T-shirts

I had to throw my skyline in there again. Had to. Still impressive and comforting

These cats have had a Cricket league in my old neighborhood park for more than 30 years. See that building back there? I grew up a few houses down from there most of my childhood into young adulthood.

Another beautiful shot of the Chicago skyline from 20th Street and California Avenue at about 5:30 am

You Know Who You Are

We have your IP address... you've done this twice today from the same location (silly, you're supposed to use dynamic IP addresses when spamming someone's blog/website).

You came thru Negrophile twice.

76.225.158.08

I have reported you to HPD's Digital Forensics Unit.

I no longer have to ask you to stay off of my blog due to your digital signature and trail left.

Get your own blog to state your views like the rest of us. Blogger is free ya' know?

Back In Effect

Yeah, so I went to Chicago for a week.

It was okay.

I mean, I made it safely there and back and I saw most of the people I wanted to sit and break bread or exchange words over a cup of java, but there are glaring non-connections that I wish happened. I also got a chance to get to a ball game, a few festivals and romp around a few places I used to haunt back in the day. I am sorry that I didn't get a chance to see a few folks...

I didn't get a chance to hook up with my home girl from BigPoshSpoiledTrustFundBaby University. We spoke and exchanged pleasantries over the phone during the week, and I had a book I picked up for her to read that I was to deliver but... Timing was off and we just didn't get that chance to connect.

I didn't see or speak to my older brother. It was funny because no one has his phone numbers (he keeps changing them) but his kids can get picked up by various family members so they could to go to their cousin's birthday party. I guess he didn't want to be bothered because although there was effort on my behalf and he knew I was in town, no effort was made from his direction...

My main man Mike. What happened dude? Your number changes or goes out of service the day I get there when we spoke the day before? No email or texts? Smoke signals or carrier pigeons? Wow.

Me and DJ Mornin Man had schedule conflicts, and the event planned on Monday night got shut down due to cats fighting. We didn't get a chance to get together.

Other than that, I had a somewhat pleasant time. I do have words for the family member that totally shut down the remainder of my week:

I know you read my blog. I love you and wish you well because I try not to hold grudges, but you were bogus for doing what you did and are currently doing and you know what you do. If it weren't for blood ties and the fate of certain other family members intertwined happiness with you I would whoop that ass within an inch of your life and wouldn't care if you lived or died from your injuries. You messed up a lot of things including my visit. You disrespected the elders and have the mitigated gall to gallivant around like your shit don't stink after causing a big one during the week. I hope you get it together and know that what you have is a blessing and not something owed to you because of who you think you are. The streets are watching and I'm waiting for the opportunity to rectify a few things if that needs to happen. Pray that it never comes to that.

So I'm back in Houston and I'm actually at my desk at work straight from the airport. My flight got re-routed due to weather concerns, but I made it back. There is a weird feeling I have in returning though. I can't call it but I think I know what it is. More on that later, I got blogs to read and stuff to catch up on.

Be easy, y'all.

Hassan Around Chicago (sort of)

Welcome back Mr Ntimbanjayo... That'll be 4 bux
Nothing quite like seeing the Sox
2007 Taste Of Chicago... Too many people in that heat
2007 African Caribbean Festival Of Life... Had to get my black soap

And Roscoe's still ain't open... Damn!

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